The Collegian Wednesday, March 12
by Mark Owens
Collegian Staff Writer
I've had a busy weekend.
But, rather than go into great
detail about how I wound up
in Pittsburgh " naked and
attached to a rather large goat
by duct tape, simply state
that I've had to abandon my
regular sleeping habits and
settle for short naps here and
there.
Because I didn't get much
Campus Voice
Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Steve McElhinny
7th semester
MIS
"Hopefully as a
systems analyst at IBM."
Laurie Stumpf
2nd semester
Hospital Adm.
"I'll be chief
administrator of a hospital
in Boston living in the
country and making
millions."
Mark Explains
sleep, I've been made
painfully aware of Sleeper's
Etiquette and how it is abused
by ; so many people. I've
discovered a few' things that
really make sleeping difficult,
other than being an
insomniac. Here they are:
Morning People: I hate
morning people. I am not a
morning person. I am more of
a large, grouchy bear than
anything else.
"Helping people to the
best of mg ability. I will
also be married and
starting a family."
"I see myself in an
engineering company as a
plastic engineer or a
mechanical engineer
technologist because I'll
have both degrees."
(photos by Sandi Inman)
Unnatural
:~~:.
Yom .
.~~; .
Teresa Taylor
2nd semester
D U S
Chris Sorgen
Bth semester
History
"I'll have my Ph D in
history and I'll be living in
sin and horrifying my
parents."
My entire vocabulary for
the first hour and a half after I
get up consists of a sound
generally attributed to a minor
demob.
Mark
Owens
The next hour expands to
include "uhh" and "mmm."
Dr. Carl Kallgren
2 years
Social Psychology
"On sabbatical on the
Galapagos Islands intently
studying the social life of
starfish."
Bernie Jasos
7th semester
MET BD
th&Sourbe§,,:'of
insomnia
2) "uh huh" (go away and
be very, very ill.)
3) "mrnmm" (PM GLAD
YOU'RE HAVING A NICE
DAY! LEAVE ME ALONE
BEFORE I THROW YOU IN
FRONT OF A LARGE
MOVING BUS!!")
4) placing a hand grenade
intheir shorts
Telephone Calls: I don't
know what satanic spirit
possesses people to call
anyone before the decent hour
like one in the afternoon.
I myself, when woken
from sleep by the phone, , nine
times out of ten fail to identify
the caller.
My mom called me once.
After five minutes of listening
to her I asked Who is this?"
My family has learned to deal
with this by not talking to me
until two in the afternoon.
Anyway, cheerful morning
people really bother me.
Anyone who can look me in
the eye at eight in the, blessed
AM and say, in a bright,
lilting, Valley Girl tone "Good
MORNING Mark! How are
YOU TOday!?! Isn't it soo
nice outside! Have a
WONDERFUL
MORNING!!" deserves to be
bludgeoned to death with a
small appliance like a Veg-O-
Matic, preferably while it's
on.
I have four responses to
these people in the morning,
depending on how much they
bother me:
1) "uhh" (go away.)
My neighbors also
have small children. It
used to be, before the
moral and educational
in this
decline
country, that children
would sit inside for
hours on end \and
watch wholesome
programs like Buggs
Bunny and Scooby-
Doo.
Page
"Your mother."
"Oh. What do you want?"
Pets: My neighbors have
dogs. For some unexplainable
.reason they - '{the dogs) like to
do their own version of Good
Morning America at 7:30 in
the morning. .On weekends,
when I'm trying to - sleep in,
they either tune into cartoons
or religious programing.
Their favorites are Sylvester
the Cat and Jimpiy Swaggert.
Sometimes they confuse the
two, which is easy to do if
you ask me.
Small Children: M y
neighbors also have small
children. It used to be, before
the moral and educational
decline in this country, that
children would sit inside for
hours on end and watch
wholesome programs like''
Buggs Bunny and Scooby-
Doo. Now they play on the
sidewalk RIGHT UNDER
MY WINDOW. This is rather
annoying, as small children
tend to play loud enough for
people in passing 747's to
follow along. Here is an
example of a typical Saturday
morning under my window:
Steve: Bob, lets pretend
that Cobra is attacking the GI
Joe base! EEEERROWW!!
BOOOMI!
John: AHAHAI{ - wait
Steve!! You can't do THAT!
It's not in the comic book!
Besides it's MY jet fighter!!
Bob: IT WAS TOO!! and
its my comic book and if I
want him to attack Sgt.
'Hackumm he CAN!!
John: OH YEAH! Well
then MY SUPER TANK can
shoot down your JET
FIGHTER!!
Steve & Bob: No it can't!
(Sound of opening
window).
John & Frank (who has
been putting 'dirt all over
everything to
.. Eke it look
'real' and make everyone's
parents mad): Can too!
Steve & Bob: CANNOT!!
John & Frank: CAN To
(Sound of the Furniture
God on the Second.- Floor
--dropping a large oak desk on
the Cobra & GI Joe forces
below.)
Even at school people
interrupt sleepers. I've lost
count of how many .people
rve seen napping on couches
with various sayings scrawled
on them with fluorescent
markers.
Of course, couches aren't
good to sleep on, as you
always wake up with a large
burlap print on your face.
Everyone knows classrooms
are the best place to sleep.
Ask any of my professors.
They know that I strongly
believe this.
Well (yawn), I'm off to
take a nap. Just obey the hotel
sign I've put on my earlobe -
Do' not disturb.