The Collegian Thursday, April 6
Weather Info:
~ ''',4l4:k Accuracy
by Mark Owens- -
Collegian Staff Writer
By now many of you
have experienced Erie
weather, which involles. all
four seasons fighting over
who gets to do what when,
much like - a bunch of kids
beating each other_ over the
head with small dead
mammals to see who gets to
ride the Big Wheel first (yes,
we did this as small brainless
children and no, I didn't get
~ t o:/ride the Big - Wheel first,
-hough I did put the small
dead mammal on the, seat
before Steve sat down).
First of all, I would like
to end this rumor about Erie
weather: "If you don't like
the weather, waft ten minutes
and it will change."
This is absolutely false,
as Erie weather is as
complicated as TellySavalis'
hair dpo. Below is a handy
dandy easy to understand
chart that will let you know
exactly what the weather is
for any season of the year.
Spring: rain @
Summer: rain &
Fall: rain %
Winter: Snow *
; unless it's cold
outside, iri which case 'Yon
should, expect snow.
& : If it's an
exceptionally cold spring;
expect snow, followed by 99
degree weather for two
weeks, three tornados and a
drought.
% : If the first frost
comes before September
21st, expect snow.
_lf it
comes-after September 21st,
look , for sno,w, But if it
comes on the 21st (which is
Darrell White turns down opportunity
watch the needle as he donates a pint
the blood 'drive. If you haven't yet,
can still donate today until 4 pm in
Winter Garden. (photo • by Mb
to
at
you
the
the equinox) count on sleet,
blizzards and pink-spotted
- albino surf-punk newts with
blue-dyed mohawks riding
miniature elk screaming
"gnarly weather, dude!" as
they splat „on your
Windshield.
*: If it's a warm winter,
look for rain, unless Jupiter
is in line - with Saturn, in
which case you should
expect sun with the
temperature in the 84's:—
Easy, huh?
Of course, you shouldn't
.rely on just my chart: Heck,
I don't rely on my chart. For
really up-to-date,
professional information on
the weather you should
watch a TV weatherman.
"But there's so many ex
dar-salesmen-tumed-
professidnal-weathemen,
Mark - how do I know
which one to watch?"
I know it's confusing,
so here are some of the
things to look for in a good
TV weatherman:
Suits: Goo d
weathermen have an
extensive wardrobe filled
with tasteless, ill-fitting
leisure suits designed to
make him look like a
sausage. Not to • be sexist,
n T'V
weather...uh...a...you know
what I mean - wear equally
tacky clothing.
Weatherpersons (HAH!)
in general arc incredibly
jealous of anchormen, who
get to wear anything they
please below the waist,
which in most cases is
nothing at all. When was the
last time you saw an
anchorman stand up on TV,
huh?
30% ,Chance -of
_ Pictures: Top-flight
forecasters have the coolest
graphics possible, usually
supplied by the Nintendo
Corporation. Usually things
go - okay, unless the
technician's fooling around,
in which case you get to
watch most of Newark, New
Mcok -
.-.---'-'--
Owens
Jersey get vaporized by a
flying saucer (we can only
hope)...
Cheerful
Personality: No matter
what the weather is going to
be, professional weathermen
have a "happy camper"
attitude that would make a
valley girl choke on her gum.
Here's what I mean:
Anchorman: Well
Dick, what can we expect for
tomorrow?
Dick: Hey Hey!! Lots
of sun, with a chance of
showers_ Tomorrow night
we'll have a 50% chance of
an apocalypse, with gusty
winds, fire & brimstone ,and
/:vWli~~iwli~il~`l
ALL 1989 GRADUATING SENIORS
1010:14141a:Vi
ANNUAL ZERO
YEAR REUNION
COMING APRIL 28,
1989.
LOOK FOR MO
INFO SOON.
Sponsored by
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some small explosions I
think. Ha Hal
Anchorman: Thanks,
Dick.
Credits: Real
weathermen have a list of
them as long as the equator.
Look for acronyms like
AMA, FOA, WOA, MIC,
KEY, MOUSE.
Now that you have a
weatherman to watch, which
is quite similar to the morbid
facination that possesses
people to watch Geraldo talk
about the crime spree of 13
devil-worshiping
grandmothers, I should
explain a few of the terms
he/she/it (it being most
common) will throw at you
so as to make you think that
he knows what he's talking
about, but in reality we all
know that the most training
in weather forecasting he has
is flipping a quarter.
Terms to know:
Cold Front: Major
campaign in the Cold War,
which was fought in Nome,
Alaska.
Warm Front: Problem
occurring in microwave
ovens where only -the front
(top) of a dinner is cooked
but the back (bottom) is still
cold.
High _Pressure Area:
That place behind your
eyeballs when you have a
sinus cold.
Low Pressure Area:
A Grateful Dead Concert.
- Jet Stream: Airline
company replacing Eastern
Airlines.
Alberta Clipper:
Name of my Aunt Bernice's
hair stylist in Toledo, Ohio.
If all this seems too
complicated, just •do what
weathermen, haVe." clone for
centuries to predict the
weather: Be Bold. Be
Creative. Lie.
Editor's Note:
According to Rand-McNally
- who keep track of such
things - Erie has the fewest
sunny days during Fall,
Winter and Spring of any
city in America, but the most
sunny days in the summer
months. Strange maybe, but
it makes for a maximum of
good beach weather during
summer vacation and a
minimum of spring fever
cases the rest of the year.
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