Page 12
Dog is Man
By Mark Owens
Collegian Staff Writer
It's springtime and of course
that means the start of many
activities associated with the
season, like cleaning the yard, the
gutters, the car, the
windows...maybe winter isn't so
bad after all.
For me, spring means the
start of training, I do a little
bicycle racing and the nice
weather lets me out of the cold,
dirty basement and into the warm
dirty world.
I'm even a little bit ahead of
schedule. I've already had three
flats and met my sprint training
partner Archie.
First I should explain
sprinting. Sprinting, as defined in
Sammy Rushdeath's The Satanic
Cyclist, is "going as fast as you
can until a) you cross the finish
line, b) you hit something or c)
your legs melt, your eyes fall out
and your lungs, tired of imitating
a wilderbeast in heat, stomp up
to your brain and beat it until
you fall down and die."
Now that you understand
sprinting, let me describe my
partner Archie, who would be
able to motivate me to sprint
even if I didn't have a bike, or
legs for that matter.
He's short, drools a lot
(especially around rneat),has_lots
of hair and has this craving for
Milkbones. Yes, Archie is a dog.
But Archie isn't just any dog.
He's a poodle. He's the Poodle
From Hell.
I know a lot of you are
wondering "Gee Mark, how can
you let a dog, who happens to
look like a rat on steroids, affect
you, a cyclist who looks like a
moose on steroids?"
To understand this, you have
to understand the relationship
between dog and cyclist. It is
very similar to the relationship
between me and Calculus - I hate
it and it loves to hate me.
Therefore, any dog will charge
headlong through rush-hour
Joe talks Baseball
contd. from previous page
games may conflict with
Cosby reruns.
In the National League
West, an amazing one-in-a
billion event occurs when six
teams tie for first place.
Cincinnati is eliminated due to
Pete Rose having bet that all
six teams would finish first.
Los Angeles is expelled when
it is discovered that 20-game
winner Fernando Variezuela is
an illegal alien.
This leaves San Diego,
Houston, San Francisco and.
Atlanta to field analkstar tearn
to'-. face , the - Mem . - in., the
,playak:: : :When it is realized,
that:none of theSe:leains:have
.
~tiki.:Siet- S are'
awarded an automatic birth to
traffic to chew on the ankle of a
passing cyclist. I think it's a
genetic thing.
"But Mark," you ask (I know
you didn't, but it's the only way I
can finish the article, ok?),
"wouldn't a dog the size of a
small house be a fiercer opponent
than a dog the size of Albania's
GNP (which is pretty small)?"
Yes, but smaller dogs are just
as bad because they have a
complex. Take Archie for
example: he's short and his
Take Archie for
example: he's short
and his owners have
shaved off all of his
hair except for his
tail, head and ankles.
This fur is further
mutated to resemble
clumps of used Sta-
Puffs. The result is a
naked dog with cotton
balls glued on his
extremities. If I were
him I'd be pretty mad
too and take out --my
anger on the first
thing that didn't feed
owners have shaved off all of his
.hair except for his tail, head and
ankles. This fur is further
mutated to resemble clumps of
used Sta-Puffs. The result is a
naked dog with cotton balls glued
on his extremities. If I were him
I'd be pretty mad too and take out
my anger on the first thing that
didn't feed me.
Small dogs are doubly vicious
because they're smart. Big dogs,
the World Series.
In the American League
final Oakland and Detroit
battle in game 1 whereupon
each team acknowledges the
fact that the season is just "too
damn long" and agrees to go
home and relax before spring
training begins the next week.
This crowns the Mets as
World Champions, although I
ask, if they are world
champions, how come they
never play. against any team
from Jam - or-the Sudan?
You have all year to figure
that :one out while r must
prepare Any, highly regarded.
'picks for.the 4 -comingfoll
seasoii.*
's Best
much like a couple of weight
lifters I know, just figure they'll
bound out and stomp on the poor
cyclist. This is why I'm so
worried about the new women's
bicycles. They're built lower and
thus easier for the dogs to stomp
on.
Mark
Owens
Small dogs have four main
methods of attacking cyclists.
They are:
1) Loom: The dog runs out
and attempts to weave itself
through your spokes, causing
you to panic and plow into a
large bus or -wall, whichever is
more painful.
2) Cute: The dog sits at the
end of his driveway and smiles
(pants) real cute. Unsuspecting
riders stop to pet the little
doggie, who immediately
proceeds to gnaw off the rider's
head. Women seem prone to this,
Here's to the
term papers,
best friends,
cut classes,
all nighters,
touchdowns,
sweethearts, ,
blue books,
A's, B's & C's,
special honors,
silly mistakes,
laughs,
tears,
dreams,
...and a future
bright with promise.
SAVE UP TO $6O ON GOLD
MONDAY & TUESDAY
APRIL 3 O. 4
BETWEEN 10-4
LOCATED: OUTSIDE BOOK STORE
as they're used to being kind to
furry, drooling animals.
It's almost like a scene out of
a Friday the 13th movie. You
just know the girl is going to get
it, but have to sit there and watch
her open the door. Is it me, or do
most of the characters in these
films have partial vacuums
between their ears?
3) Barking: It has been
scientifically proven that the
insipid whining and yapping of
small dogs, after a prolonged
period of time (3.7 seconds) can
drive cyclists insane and cause
them to choke the dog in
question with his (the dog's, not
the cyclist's) Milkbones.
4) Smith & Wesson:
There are reports that small
Chihuahuas have passed the
NRA's AK-47 Master Marksman
Test, which requires the shooter
to at least be able to hit the broad
side of a barn.
Some of you may get the idea
that I don't like dogs. You're
right -- I don't. I just can't respect
anything that has to turn around
ART CARVED
The Collegian Thursday, March 30
Friend...Ha!
three times before sitting down.
And no, I'm not a cat-lover
either. We just have an
understanding; I won't bother
them ant they won't bother me.
But cats do have several
redeeming qualities:
1) They don't chase cyclists
2) They don't drool all over
people, furniture, your date,
moving vehicles, etc.
3) They're pretty clean, as far
as licking themselves after
scarfing down a can of Tender
Vittles goes.
4) They're party animals
I'm sorry, but Spuds and Alex
aren't party animals. If they're
like most dogs, they're home by
9:00 pm, tops.
Cats, on the other hand,
routinely stay out until the wee
hours drinking, carousing and
slashing furniture.
Well, it's time for another
ride. And I'm not worried about
Archie. I'm wearing my
rubberized shorts and packing a
pump. It's the Chihuahua next
door that's got me worried.
CLASS RINGS
RINGS