The Collegian Thursday, March 30
by Joe Albrecht
I was _out celebrating on
St. Patrick's Day with some
friends (one of which spoke
quite voluminously in the
streets of Erie about his desire
to participate in highly risque'
and unusual acts involving
nuns) whenistopped dead in
my traoki and realized I
hadn't officially presented my
preseason baseball
predictiohs.
These aren't your
everyday predictions -- these
are carefully scrutinized, in
depth prognostications that
could only be made by close
examination of every
ballplayer including an
emphasis on past history or
else by reading a little too
much People magazine.
I understand that watching
baseball on television can be
about as exciting as watching
plants photosynthesize, but by
reading the following you, the
reader, will attain the inside
track so as to know what to
expect in the coming season.
This will ensure your staying
glued - to your seat for every
strikeout pitched, every home
run hit and every private area
scratched: Meanwhile; 111-be
doing something more
exciting --- like yard work.
Without further ado, on with
the season LETS PLAY
BALL!!
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Tidbits From Earth
Joe Talks Baseball
American League
This is by far my favorite
league with the exception of
the National League. The only
difference between the
leagues is that in the American
League you have a designated
hitter which allows washed
up players with exorbitant
salaries like Reggie Jackson to
receive undue adulation from
fans who pay large amounts
of money to see them spit
with no greater skill than your
These aren't your
everyday predictions --
the - ie are carefully
scrutinized, in-depth
prognostications that
could only be made by
close examination of
every
including an emphasis
on past history or else
by reading a little too
much People ma lazine.
lesser known ballplayers. But
I'm not here to criticize.
E• In.-: 1989, ,lo,ok for fierce
competition and heated battles
in the American League East -
-- some of which will even
involve baseball. But when
the dust clears, here's how I
see the standings:,
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Joe Albrecht
long and depressing baseball
season after seeing the
Cleveland Cavaliers in first
place, call for the banishment
of baseball from the city.
Surprisingly there are no
objections from the players,
who are all happy to resume
their regular jobs as short
order cooks at Denny's.
The American Leagu6.
West is an entirely different
story. I think it's plain to see'
will all season, his on-field that Oakland is the only team
skills will slide and the Sox with more talent at baseball
will come up short. than Ray Charles has at
1 3 , -. - -Toronto- ,- • iuggiing:
Jays' hopes for a title are
dashed while on the road
against the Yankees when
George Bell decides to join
the Metropolitan Opera.
1. Detroit-- Though the
Tigers will finish first, their
year will not be without
scandal. As the playoffs
ensue a story will break
nationally which involves the
Tigers' pitching staff, a hot
tub full of Wesson oil and
Bert Convy.
2. Boston-- Even though
Wade Boggs will personally
score more than most teams
Nomination Forms Available
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and
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Excellence in Teachin
Nominations must be submitted to the Office of
the Provost and Dean by April 10, 1989
Any student, member of the administration,
student group, or faculty member may submit a
Nominations Forms are available in the Library.
4. New York-- B y
year's end the Yankees will be
the only team in the majors in
which the concession stand
food will receive more
applause than the players.
Kraut dogs alone will acquire
three times as many All-Star
votes as Dave Winfield.
5. Baltimore--_ In an
attempt to out-do their
performance of a year ago, the
Orioles will lose every game
after the All-Star break
including a 3-game series
against a group of lame and
sightless old-timers.
6. Milwaukee-- This
town should stick strictly to
. brewing beer.
7. Cleveland-- Indian
fans, unable to face another
National League
This is by far my favorite
league with the exception of
the American League. This
W. Wilson Award for Excellence in
cademic Advisin
nomination form.
for
Page
year the races in both
divisions will either go down
to the wire or else they won't.
If they do, they wilL If they
don't, they won't. In addition
to the usual scratching and
spitting also look for , an
abundance of name calling
and kicking of dirt.
Here's how it will be in the
East:
1. NY Mets-- After
locker room brawls with
teammates, reporters and
every citizen in New York
City, Darryl Strawberry will
agree to. fight Mike Tyson at
Shea Stadium. Much to the
delight of the sold out crowd,
Strawberry's ego crushes
both men. The rest of the
Mets scrape the remains off
the field and go on to clinch
first place in the second week
of April.
2. Pittsburgh-- In an
effort to increase
disappointing attendance
levels, the Pirates hire Margo
Adams (Wade Boggs' extra
marital companion) to
perform a unique version of
the seventh inning stretch on
one lucky ticket holder during
each home game.
3. Montreal, St.
Louis, Philadelphia,
Chicago-- All four teams
simultaneously forfeit„the rest
of their teams' games when
the players realize that some
contd. on next page
Award