The Collegian Wednesday, March 15 Joe Takes on a Weighty Subject BY Joe Albrecht Seeing how spring break is long since over and every snotty fashion designer with a name like Yves is about to introduce a new line of fall fashion, you as a human being should be compelled to set aside your beer (never out of arms reach, though) and get fit for summer. Instead of insisting that the new liquid Tide is consistently shrinking your clothes why not be honest and admit that you picked up some excess baggage over the winter months and that several large corporations have offered you top dollar to use your stomach for billboard advertisements. The first step to becoming fit, is that you must realize you have to start a weight-loss program now. And I mean RIGHT NOW. If you put it off any longer you will probabley never begin. So drop whatever you are holding, especially if by Mark Owens Collegian Staff Writer Welcome to the Cold and Flu season. I know many of you thought that was a couple of months ago. You had a sniffle, used a few Kleenexes and thought you were done being sick for the year, right? Wrong! Because you think that you're done being sick Mother Nature, in her infinite sadism, has decided to bestovi on you a cold. I was recently given one by my loving mom and was shocked. Normally I don't get sick until March 20th, which is the first day of spring. Before then I could walk through a bli77ard nude and not get sick. On the 20th I can stay indoors, in bed, in a snowmobile suit, pumped full of drugs and still get quintiple pneumonia. Anyway, it's March 10th and I have a cold ahead of schedule. Since most of you will get a cold before the end of April (I'm a generous guy - you can have mine!) I've prepared a little advice on the detection, classification and treatment of colds. Detection: If you have a fever, runny nose, aches, pains, stuffed sinuses, missing appendages, the Mange and/or split ends chances are you're sick. Classification: Colds are something doctors don't understand. We've sent men to the moon, invented the microwave oven and discovered the true identity of the Four Horsemen (Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, Jimmy Swaggert and John Tower) but can't cure the common cold (as opposed to the it's a piece of chocolate cake or any Madonna album and raise your right arm in a spirited, motivational way and profess aloud "I will shed that undesired weight that makes me look as attractive as an oiled-up Roger Ebert in bikini swimwear." The next logical step is to join a trendy health club if you have the $32,474.23 it costs for the membership excluding pool fees, track fees, sweating fees, showing-up fees, pulling-out-of the-parking-lot fees, and showering-with-large, burly men fees. Chances are you don't have that kind of money so you won't join. But if you don't join you will remain an immense mass of unwieldy gelatin, so please, do us all a favor and find the money -- there's already enough visual pollution in the world what with Joan Collins still alive and all. Once you have joined one of those fitness centers, you will A Sick Man uncommon cold, which was eliminated by those uncommonly good Keebler elves in 1978). Personally, I think the cure hasn't been discovered because the medical community has been corrupted by the pharmaceutical/industrial complex. Colds can be broken down into three general types: A) sniffles B) the sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy-head fever can't rest so you shoot your wife because she's' snoring and has cold feet C) coughing up major organs and hallucinating that the couch is on a 78 degree angle so you fall off and Phyllis Diller is the most beautiful woman to ever breath air. Having all three of these at once is not exactly ideal. If you have a choice, go for "C", as its a good reason to miss work. Treatment: Drugs. And lots of them. Studies show that medications containing ingredients with more than ten letters are good stuff, like pseudoephedrine, hydrochloride, triprolidine and monopolysacarsupercalafragilisti cxmealadocious. Sleep, fruit juice, MTV and the Swimsuit Issue of Sports Illustrated have also proved to help in the recovery from the common cold. Tidbits From Earth Mark Owens Joe Albrecht find out a very distressing fact: most beneficial exercise will require more effort and energy than pulling the tab off a beer can. This leads to the second distressing fact: it is probably Some doctors have written that beer can help people get over a cold, reasoning that a) the hangover is worse and b) you can't feel bad about something you don't remember. I personally don't recommend this, as it may interfere with your medication, namely the taking of it. I'm sure trying to stick a spoonful of cough syrup in your mouth while intoxicated it tough. It's even tougher to get out of your bathrobe. A word about cough syrup. Wild Cherry. That's it. Really. Something not conducive to 'conquering a cold is nagging by family and relatives. "Are you dressed warm?" "Drink lots of fluids." "Get plenty of rest now!" "Here, have some chic-" The best way to get over a cold is not to have one at all. Remember, "an ounce of prevention is worth a furlong of cure." Or is it a hectare? I always hated converting to the metric system. Anyway, here are the people that are probably carrying cold and other unsavory germs with them. Avoid them and you probably won't get a cold, unless the fates decide to give you one anyway: People that go "ACHOO!!" a lot People carrying 24 ponds of Kleenex People with stock in the Nyquil company Anyone with their name in the National Enquirer And that's that for this little advice column. Have a long and healthy life. Achoo. too late for a refund. Now you have no alternative except to carry out your original plan of losing weight. From here it is probably a good idea to check out the facilities to see what forms of exercise are available for you to participate in and whether or not an ambulance will be on-site when you begin your first work out. Most doctors will agree that your best bet for combined weight loss and bodily fitness is doing aerobics a minimum of 24 hours a day. WARNING: The Surgeon General, C. Everett "Chicken" Koop, who if you ask me looks remarkably similar to Colonel Sanders in garage sale military garb, has determined that males performing aerobics for any length of time may suddenly find themselves dressing and talking like Richard Simmons. Now that you have begun a successful exercise program it is Peer Ministers When You Need Help by Darrell, J.. White Collegian Staff Writer There's a certain song by Chicago called "You're Not Alone." The lyrics are in the form of a monologue; the speaker is trying to console someone who recently suffered some heartache. "...your wings are broken and now your spirit can't take flight..." It's sad how many times this situation occurs in real life. Recently, I was with a girl from Mercyhurst who got locked out of her dorm accidentally. I put her in my room for that night, while I slept on the floor. Now, she had been having some problems with her boyfriend, so she planned on "seducing" me that contd. on next page COMPUTER CONSULTANTS NEEDED Applications are now being accepted for the position of Student.- Computer Consultant. Currently there are several openings for the Fall 'B9 / Spring '9O. Applicants must have completed CMPSC 103, or CMPSC 201 with a average or above. Applicants should have a working knowledge of CMS. Knowledge of computer languages, personal computers, and other computer experience will be helpful in the selection process. Applicants should enjoy working with people as well as computers. See the computer center secretary for an application form. The deadline for turning in - :the applications is April 7, 1989. Page also important to closely watch the food you eat. Not too closely -- you might get food on your nose. There is basically one simple rule of dieting that will guarantee weight loss: DON'T EAT. This is -a harsh exaggeration -- I mean surely you must eat something -- but for best results don't eat until Salmon Rushdie decides to vacation in Iran. If you are afraid you don't have the willpower to never eat again, stapling your mouth shut should do the trick. Remember, your motivation should be that in the end you'll look much more attractive, even if you can never get the staples out. By carefully following these guidelines of exercise and diet, it is definitely possible to look and feel healthy and in shape by summertime. But right now I think it's time for more pizza and beer while I lay on the couch. CMPSC 101,
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