The Collegian Wednesday, February 22
Features
An Evening -of
Dubious Taste
by Traci Fenton . husband got his project cut off
Collegian Staff Writer two weeks ago and-I haven't had
any relief since.", and
Exactly what went on in "According to instructions I have
Behrend's own theater Thursday given birth to twins in the
night, February 16? Well, it was enclosed envelopes."
clearly an evening of 'Dubious Dr. White also read excerpts
Taste.' Starting at '7:30, a mix of from insurance policy forms. He
Behrend professors and students, could barely control his own
mostly from the English laughter as he read things like:
department, kicked off the second "The guy was all over the road, I
annual Evening of Dubious had to swerve a number of times
Taste. - before I hit him." , "The
"Our country is full of
tasteless things."
Dean Baldwin , wearing an
out-of-date blue polyester suit
with protruding collar and loud,
wide tie.began the night by
stating, "Our country is full of
tasteless things." After that
appropriate send-off, he embarked
on displaying a catalogue of truly
tasteless gifts. Automatic toilet
lights, detergent bottle aprons,
tacky duck heads for trailer
hitches, and banana racks were
among the tasteless paraphernalia
included in the mail order
catalogue.
Next up was the dubious
presentation of Sharon Dale, an
arts history instructor. Her
performance was entitled "high
art, low art, no art." She fit the
tastelessness motif by wearing a
tacky pink poodle skirt and
-leopard scarf. Her presentation
consisted of various versions of
the Last Supper. She unfurled an
array of paintings, wood carving,
chocolate moldings, and other
enactments of the Last Supper.
She then presented an array of
flying pink flamingo paintings,
neon halos over the Virgin Mary,
velvet paintings, and audio
postcards of the Royal wedding.
She claims there is an
"...insatiable market in the
United States for low art."
Greg Morris, an English
professor, was in fine form with
the next contribution to the
tastelessness. His presentation
was an expose of sorts on The
King, Elvis Presley, and his
predominance in world literature.
He read titles from "Sun"
magazine about Elvis statues on
Mars and an existing Elvis
Presley Sperm Bank. He also
made a dubious allusion to The
King's importance to the writings
of Emily Dickenson.
Truly a highlight of the
evening of doubtful taste was the
presentation by Dr. Duncan
White of the psychology
department. He read excerpts from
letters actually written to a state
welfare department. His
selections included:"l'm annoyed
you can call my son illiterate, I
was married to his father six
weeks after he was born.", "My
pedestrian had no idea which to
run, so I ran over him."
Jim Davis of the English
department finished the evening
with an encore reading a story he
presented at last year's Evening of
Dubious Taste. It was possibly
the most horrible, yet hilarious
piece of writing, if it can be
called writing, ever. Davis
acquired the incredibly bad
attempt at serious fiction from a
former colleague from another
university. The work of fiction
dealt with the tender subject of a
young girl's second sexual
encounter with a mummy in a
graveyard, unfortunately her
friend gets her head cut off, or at
leas it sounded like that's what
happened_
Overall, the evening was full
of the fun-filled tasteless parts of
life. The evening was
appropriately topped off with
tasteless refreshments. Twinkles
and National Brand Cola were
available for everyone.
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Waiters
by Mark Owens
Collegian Staff Writer
I let a good friend of mine
(who call "Xavier" to keep
him from getting fired) read last
-week's paper.
He ran across / the Love Rob
article on waitresses and, not
unlike the Ayatollah Komeni,
called the story "blasphemous"
and put a contract out on Rob's
sunglass clad life.
I asked Xavier why he was
so upset over the piece and he
reminded me that he was a
waiter. Xavier then said that the
Love Rob must never have held
a job as a waiter because if he
did he would have never written
that story.
Xavier, when upset, tends to
go on about whatever he's mad
at until he's done, gagged or hit
by a Goodyear blimp, whichever
comes first.
"Waitering is a tough job,"
he exclaimed, "which requires
balance, speech skills and the
ability to convince the customer
that everything is 0.k., even if
his wife's hair is on fire."
I told Xavier that description
fit many jobs, including used
car salesmen, con artists and
President of the United States.
He sighed and shook his
head.
"There's a difference between
people & politics, people &
cars and people & food."
"With the first two, the
public has all the knowledge and
interest of a moose in heat. As
long as it (car / government)
works, they don't care."
"Food is different. People
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Are People Too
need it to live and, unlike the
first two, think they're experts
on it. Individuals who normally
would have trouble operating a
toaster are suddenly experts on
how beef tips in mushroom
sauce should be prepared."
"Because they 'understand'
food, people tend to act snooty
and superior. For some reason
customers assume that waiters
Mark
Owens
have the intelligence of albino
newts."
I mentioned to Xavier that
sometimes waiters and
waitresses tend to act a
little...dingy.
"Of Course! We're
attempting to communicate on
your level! Here's an example: I
asked this lady if she would like
some more coffee. She said
'Sure.' I asked what kind of
coffee she wanted and she
sweetly said 'Black.' Co home,
make some regular coffee and
some decafinated coffee. Put a
little of each in separate glass
containers and hold them up to
the light. Surprise, surprise
they're the same color!"
"Black helps me a
whole lot folks! I told her
we were out of black coffee but
had some red and green coffee in
the kitchen."
"And don't tell me 'it was an
isolated incident.' It happens all
the time because people are
stupid."
"Heres some thing that
Page
happened . to me yesterday,"
Xavier continued.
"A lady ordered the swordfish
dinner. After a few . bites she
stopped eating. I asked her if the
dinner was cooked o.k. She said
`Yes.' I then asked her what the
problem was. She told me it
tasted 'too fishy.' "
"Here's an incredible concept:
fish tasting fishy. I suppose the
next thing will be steak tasting
too steaky."
I agreed with Xavier that
people can do stupid things, but
it didn't convince me that the
wait staff deserved to be tipped.
"Do you know what it's like
to put up with whining eight
year-olds, messy infants whose
,sole duty in life is to deposit 12
pounds of food and drool under a
table?"
"How about grouhy
shoppers or nagging mother-in
law types? Or worst of all,
people who have never been
taught how to use plates or
silverware?"
I told Xavier that I was
beginning to understand how an
individual who spent half an
hour running around a
restaurant looking for many and
various stupid things for a
family of seven from Kansas
could begin to think a little
compensation was in order.
"In fact, I've developed a rule
for waiters. Xavier's Law of
Waitering: On any given day,
people are jerks."
"I invite anyone who thinks
tipping isn't a good idea_to bear'
waitress, or waiter for two
weeks. It's something you have
to experience to understand."