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Campus Voice
How would you most like to spend your
Valentine's Day?
by Vail Weller and Nanette
Quatchak
Entertainment Editors
Dave Kravetz
sth semester
English
"Indulging in nothingness wit]:
another ethereal body; intertwining
indefinitely."
4th semester
English
"I'd like to spend it hanging out
with my friends or going out for a
nice dinner."
Ed Deguzman
4th semester
Management
"I'd like to spend it with my ex
girlfriend back home. I'd take her
out anyplace she'd want, have a
dozen roses sent to her, and have a
good time with her."
Question
photos by Sandi Inman
6 years
Basketball Coach
"I'd like to spend it with my
family. I'll probably be out
recruiting or some crazy thing."
Amy Drake
2nd semester
Management
"With a boyfriend, I guess."
6th semester
Management
"I'd spend it on the couch watching
basketball games on ESPN with
my girlfriend, or if Randy
Baughman and Chris Viscuso
asked me to go over to the coach's
house with them for dinner, I'd
go."
Greed:
Valentine's Day Exposed
by Mark Owens
Collegian Staff Writer
Note: This column is
written in the spirit of fun
and should not be taken as
A serious look at the sad
state of affairs in
male/female relationships (
which have been
commercialized and
mutated to the point that
they are used to market
toothpaste) and cause
hoards of Harlequin
romance book readers to
have me beaten, given
1,000,000 papercuts and
dunked in lemon juice,
tarred and feathered and
married to Geraldo Rivera.
Thank you.
******
Valentines Day is a holiday
that brings out the best in
mankind: greed, sloth, selfishness
and many other fine attributes, as
exemplified in The Exorcist.
I know this comes as a
shock to most of you, as you
grew up thinking of Valentines
Day as a celebration of love,
friendship and candy. I'm sorry,
but it is my civic duty to expose
Valentine's Day for what it is.
First of all, look at the
symbol. It's a heart with an
arrow thrust through it. Real
romantic, huh?
Then there's the gift giving
(as if Christmas wasn't bad
enough). Gifts aren't given, they
are extorted.
Depicted here is a typical
conversation between you and
your Significant Other (5.0.):
5.0.: You know, valentine's
Day is coming up soon.
You: (totally engrossed in
that Highly Educational
television show "Masters of Bass
Fishing") Mmm. ,
5.0.: (in a slightly irritated
tone) It's only a couple of weeks
away!
You: Mmm.
5.0.: (Really upset) Mary
was telling me what she thinks
Joe is going to get her and it
sounds really wonderful!!
You: Mmm.
5.0.: (shoving your TV and
deep-sea fishing pole yp your left
nostril) I'M REALLY CURIOUS
AS TO WHAT I MIGHT GET
FOR VALENTINE'S DAY AND
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
GIVE ME A, YOU KNOW,
HINT!!
Men are made to feel guilty
if they don't get their mate a gift.
Actually, guilty is a small
understatement. "Dregs Of Low-
Life Humanity With The
Intelligence Of An Ox And The
Odor To Match" is more accurate.
If you think I'm kidding,
look in Roget's Thesarus under
"greed." One of the synonyms is
"cupidity." Where do you think
The Collegian, Wednesday February 15
we get "cupid" from, huh?
To drive this point home,
here is an incident that happened
to me:
While in high school I was
dating a girl and forgot to buy her
a carnation. You remember those
- the maroon-colored flowers that
looked like cauliflower from
outer space and died 3.7 seconds
after the recipient got them.
Anyway, by lunchtime she
realized that I had forgotten. So
in the cafeteria, occupied by
approximately the entire
population of New Orleans
during Mardi Gras, she stood up
on a chair, striking a pose similar
to Moses with the 10
Commandments (feet apart, eyes
blazing, lightning crackling
across the sky), and called me, in
a really loud voice, "a waste of
red blood cells." I think I'd rather
have been quietly shot.
I don't mean to be sexist, but
I think men have a different
attitude towards Valentines Day
than women. I'm pretty sure that
most guys would rather be
Mark
Owens
sleeping, watching TV or
shooting harmless woodland
creatures than shopping for gifts.
I say that because guys do
not possess the Shopping Gene.
We have Do_ idea what to get girls
for Valentine's Day. Are candy
and flowers too stale? Is
jewelry appropriate? Can I get
that moose head stuffed in time?
To avoid the common
occurrence of men running up to
store clerks screaming
•
HELP ME!! IT'S
VALENTINES DAY AND - I
DON'T HAVE A . GIFT
FOR...HER!! (breaks down
into gut wrenching sobs).
I have answered several
common questions below:
Q- My girl has hay fever.
Should I get her flowers?
A- Ronco makes a wonderful
bunch of wax & polyurethane
flowers $19.95. The bunch
comes in three colors: Red,
White and Industrial Grey_
Q- Who is that silhouette
couple on every other
#Thlf.-§c.tea !! card in the store?
It's.not me and what's-her-face!
A- Madonna and an
unidentified wino.
Q- I saw this really nifty
ring advertised during "The Bruce
Lee & Great Grand Nephew of
Godzilla Hour." Should I buy it
for my sweetie?
A- No.
Q- But it's a really nifty
ring! It's got a huge 9.7 metric
ton Cubic Zirconium gem
surrounded by 12 multi-colored
Dimonelles!
A-No.
Q- It's also layered in 14
carat gold!
A- Alright buy it! But if she
turns green, develops scales and
attacks you with a cheese grater,
don't say I didn't warn you.
Q- Should I get my wife the
camouflage mosquito net teddy
that I saw in Field & Stream?
A- Only if it comes with
lures and insect repellent.
One more thing guys. Make
sure whatever you buy is the
biggest and best you can find
(notice I didn't say afford, as you
are expected to take out a loan),
because if her best friend gets
something better, you are a dead
man!
Of course, times are
changing and men are starting to
receive gifts. Here are a couple
hints on buying gifts for men:
Flowers - Unless your
significant other is Merril Olson,
this is a little tricky. Most guys
don't know what to do with
flowers, unless they're giving
them to women. In that case,
they somehow manage to drop
them in something sticky before
they hand them to you:
Candy - This will be given
to their little brother.
Jewelry - Ask first if he's not
Mr. T.
Cologne - No! They'll get
enough of that and ugly ties
when they're fathers.
Sports Illustrated - If it's the
swimsuit issue, go ahead. If not,
save it for Christmas.
In fact, most guys don't need
gifts. Just being with someone
that they really care about - is
enough for them. But, if you
really want to trip their trigger
get them a new car. I know I
could use one.
One last thing - Respect
singles. They are that way by
choice or the fact that someone
else had better stuff (car, clothed,
house, body, ect.) and don't need
the aggravation.
The movie Some Kind Of
Wonderful reminded me of this
fact. I heard more "Oh Martha!"
and "Oh Exavierrs in two hours
than I have in the last three years.
It even had the Standard Romance
Movie Plot:
Boy meets Girl, Girl thinks
he's the Dweeb from Hell, Boy
convinces Girl to go out with
him, Boy meets another Girl &
fools around, Girl (it doesn't
matter which one, does it?)
dumps Boy, Whatever is left over
walks of with the Boy into the
sunset (and hopefully are hit by
an ENORMOUS Waste
Management truck).
It's braced me for V-Day.
It's only 24 hours and maybe I'll
even get some cauliflower.