The Collegian 'Wednesday, „February 8
Advice
by Joe Albrecht
Collegian Staff Writer
I'm not very good with cars,
mechanically speaking. As a
matter of fact Fm not very adept
with anything made from
connecting metal parts outside of
nail clippers. I was told this
when I took one of those
standardized tests which contend
to shed light from Heaven into a
person's life so he knows which
career is best for him.
Everytime I endured one of
these tests I scored in the 97th
percentile on three of the
categories and in the 2nd
percentile on the other seven.
"Says here, Joe," my, career
counselor would remark, "that
you'd show much promise as a
light bulb installer, answering
phones on the Crest Hotline, or
washing farm animals on the
Australian outback. But for
God's sake don't ever come
A Bachelor's Guide to
Cooking: Dinner for None
by Mark Owens
Collegian Staff Writer
After getting home late from
school and attempting to make
myself dinner, I have concluded
that men are missing the Betty
Crocker gland that 99.98% of the
female population has.
Manufacturers of food
products realize this, and to
encourage men to cook for
themselves most instructions are
written in cartoon form for Males
With the Comprehension of
Brain-Dead Newts.
Unfortunately this limits
guys to culinary treats like Rice-
A-Roni, Cup 0' Soup and
Chocolate Bananas-on-a-Stick.
But, out of brotherhood for
fellow bachelors, I have translated
a recipe in my mom's cookbook
that any newt, I mean guy, can
make. Here is the recipe for Mrs.
Beastie's Basic Cake:
4 eggs, 2 cups sugar, 2 cups
flour, 2 teaspoons baking
powder, 1/8 teaspoon salt, 1 cup
milk, 1/2 stick of butter, 1
teaspoon vanilla, 12/27 teaspoon
of paprika extract, 2 bat wings, 1
eye of Wog.
First a note on measurements.
A cup is the same thing as a
glass (or in a pinch a coffee
mug). I realize that some of you
may not have access to tea or
tablespoons, so the plastic
silverware in the Wintergreen
Cafe' will do. As for the
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Tidbits From Earth
From Joe on the Fine Art of Car Repair
within a 10-mile radius of my
car."
These tests may serve a
valuable purpose, other than
showing that you, the test taker,
have the intelligence of a Bic
disposable lighter, but they didn't
tell me anything about my lack
of skills with automobiles that I
didn't already know.
My stupidity with cars has
been emphasized every holiday
my family has gotten together
for a picnic and my three brothers
and I stand around talking in the
afternoon sun.
DAVE: So Mark, how's the
car running?
MARK: Great. I just rebuilt
the carburetor, transmission, and
for that matter, the whole engine.
FRED: You too? I did the
same last Tuesday. I took the
afternoon off from work.
DAVE: I had to do that last
year. Now Fm building my own
car from spare lawnmower parts
fractional measurements, do what
I do - wing it.
Now I'll go through this step
by-step so you don't get lost:
"Beat the eggs until lemon
colored, then add sugar and
continue beating until fluffy."
First, remove the shells. My
mom recommends it. Fluffy
means "The consistency of
Tiffany's brain cell."
"Sift flour with the baking
powder and salt." Put the salt &
baking powder into a bowl. Take
a spaghetti strainer and dump the
flour in it so the flour goes into
the bowl. This process should
dirty, say, five dishes.
"Add to the egg-sugar mixture
and beat until smooth." Dump
everything into another bowl.
"Heat milk and butter to
almost a boil, stirring until
smooth." Put the milk and
butter in a pan, turn the stove on
'high', go watch Oprah Winfrey
and contemplate where 16 percent
of the matter in the universe
went.
"Beat the mills and butter into
the batter." Dump everything
into a food processor and let it
mix for half an hour while
watching "The New
Ghostbusters."
"Pour the batter into a greased
13X9X2 inch pan and bake at
350 degrees for 25 minutes." On
a greased table, with greased
hands, place the greased pan and
pour the batter in. Then put the
Letters To The Editor - The Collegian
invites letters to the editor. Letters should be
typed, brief and signed by no more than two
people. Letters may deal with a topic of general
interest or with the Collelian's editorial content.
randomly laying in the garage.
ME: I washed my car last
week.
It's taken a while, but I've
finally resigned to the fact that
I'll never be proficient at working
on cars. But what I lack in
Now. Pin building
my own s car, from
spare lawnmower
parts laying in the
garage.
hands-on ability I adequately
make up for in the theory and
logistics of how cars work,
having studied in depth the
various car commercials aired
during David Letterman.
My extensive theroetical
knowledge can be seen in my
responses to letters I have receved
pan into a greased oven.
For fun, let a greased pig
watch. Bake until "The New
Adventures of Banana Man" is
over with.
With lots of luck you'll get
the cake pictured in the book.
Most likely you'll end up with an
object similar to the Little
Rascals cake.
You know, the one that went
"WOW," blew bubbles, and had
toys in it. Of course, you won't
have toys, unless you dump
some Cracker Jacks into the mix.
If this doesn't work, don't
worry - buy a microwave! This
is the greatest thing since Johnny
Carson! Or is it Pat Sajak?
Maybe it's Arsenio Hall. I can't
tell the difference.
Anyhow, cooking by
microwave is so easy. All you
do is throw the box in, set the
time and PRESTO! Dinner is
served.
To make things even easier,
use my method: set the time for
20 minutes and put the dinner in.
Your meal is finished when you
hear a muted WHUMPH! from
the microwave.
Well, that's it for this week.
Join me next time when we'll
talk about that Cajun treat
"Blackened TV Dinner." It's
really easy to make: set the oven
for 500 degrees and bake. Dinner
is ready when the fire department
runs into your house with hoses.
at home or else made up.
Q. Joe, you're a heads-up
kind of guy--in these times of
economic hardship, am I better
off buying a new or used car?
A. Yes, unless, of course,
you'd rather buy me one.
Q. I hear an awful lot of talk
about fuel injection. Could you
explain that?
A. This is a very simple
procedure in which you pull into
an EPA-approved filling station
(fn .1) and "inject" the "fuel"
nozzle of the gas pump into your
gas tank. After you have filled
up, you may claim to be "fuel
injected" and are eligible for a
small tax refund. Void where
prohibited. Canadian orders
please add two dollars for
shipping and handling.
Q. I know you're a busy guy,
and this is sort of, er, well, it's
sort of, er, nevermind.
A. No, go ahead.
Q. Well, we were thinking of
Dueling
by Jennifer Rose
Collegian Staff Writer
The Penn State Cultural
Series will sponsor Dueling
Pianos on Sunday, February 12
at 3 pm in Reed 117.
The program will feature
Behrend music instructor Dave
Stuntz and English instructor
Marjorie Podolsky in a two-piano
and four-hand piano recital
entitled "Music of American
Popular Culture."
The recital will include pieces
by Stephen Foster, Gershwin,
Cole Porter, ragtime, and pieces
from popular movies.
The two players have
synchronized their pieces to
combine and contrast, creating
striking effects of sound.
The Series schedules events
throughout the semesters from
several major categories including
theater, classical music, jazz
music, dance and mime,
traditional and folk music, and
other types of cultural
entertainment.
The programs are put
together by all twenty-two
campuses throughout the Penn
State system. Campuses .vote on
which acts they feel are the best
and though this an interstate
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Page
honeymooning in the Bahamas in
late March and we want to know
what sort of temperatures to
expect.
A. And you don't have your
reservations in already? You may
as well forget it.
Frqm the above sample, it is
quite obvious that I can answer
pretty much any question about
cars or can at least spell "fuel
injection". So if you have any
questions, send them to: Joe's
car care corner--1141 e. 38th st.
apt. 22 - Erie, PA 16504. Your
questions will be given my
complete and undivided attention
unless something good comes o
TV.
FN.I -- An EPA-approve
filling station requires al
employees wear those silly
matching jumpsuits displaying . •
much grease as in the hair of an
member of the musical grou •
Sha Na Na.
Pianos
recruitment is set up. Not all
programs are performed at all the
campuses, but through this
system the best acts get a good
reputation and often get booked at
a great deal of the campuses.
Stuntz and Podolsky however,
aren't traveling--they will perform
only at Behrend.
The acts are often approached
and asked to be a part of the
series, but they also can use their
own initiative to become a part
of the series. According to Dave
Shields, Assistant Dean of
Student Services, "It's good to
promote outstanding faculty and
students of our own campus, and
students are encouraged to show
their cultural ckills."
On February 20 is Lynn
McCormick will examine of the
struggles of blacks in America.
On March 16, harpist Harvi
Griffin will perform works from
Bach to rock, and on March 31
"Deuce" will perform funk, jazz,
Latin, and rock music.
Next year's Cultural Series is
already being put together. John
Downey, head of the Cultural
Affairs Committee, is looking
for student input on different acts
for. 89-90. The committee will
meet March 6 through April 10
to select the programs.