Page 12
Joe's Tidbits From
Planet Earth
by Joe Albrecht
Having just come off a year in
which every member of the
government appeared to have
Cracknin' Oat Bran for brains, it's
important that in 1989 we learn
from our mistakes. We must take
the proper steps to ensure that if
George Bush is in a plane crash,
Dan Quayle is on the same plane.
If 1988 was a year we learned
to trust our president as much as
the University of Oklahoma
recruiting program, we must
pursue this year with more
caution than approaching Mike
Tyson at a 4-way stop.
In 1988, wars raged,
Ethiopians continued to starve,
and the Monkees reunited for a
tour of the states. Aside from
these tragic events, the main
problem with the world today is
the names of several countries'
leaders. Khomeini, Khadafy, and
Pinochet sound more like names
of gastro-intestinal diseases than
heads of state. If more of these
rulers had niceguy names I'm sure
we would read more news stories
like this:
Santigo, Chile (API)
Chilean dictator Walter
"Teddybear"
announced '""today '- the
release of all prisoners of
conscience and anyone else
who wanted to leave the
prison facility. This
prompted the U.S. and
Russia to ban just scads
and scads of nuclear
weapons and go join a
Wednesday (Ist shift)
bowling league. World
peace is imminent . but
Plastic bowling balls will
be outlawed, it was
announced.
The New York Times
Subscribe to the New York . TimeS
for half the normal price.
Take advantage of special
for campus delivery of the
Times. You pay only $.25
(regularly $.50) when you
for daily service.
Newspapers can be picked up each
morning at the campus bookstore on
the day of publication after 8:30 am.
You will be issued an identification
card to present each morning when
you pick your paper • at the Behrend
Bookstore.
Order forms are a - vailable in the
bookstore.
World leaders weren't the only
ones boasting the same IQ as
wallpaper paste. In our country,
officials questioned what to do
when a major forest fire
threatened to reduce one of our
treasured national parks to the
aesthetics of an ashtray. The
lesson to be learned here is if
Mississippi's Burning, we must
not put in charge the same brain
trusts who decided that the
Yellowstone fire was "natural"
and should run its course till the
whole United States was one
huge charcoal briquet.
Having obtained my
information of that news item
from the TV and newspapers, I'm
probably making the situation
sound worse than it actually was.
The media does have a tendency
to distort things a little bit. Like
the time Geraldo Rivera, an ex
tackling dummy for the Green
Bay Packers, expended valuable
TV prime time for the expressed
purpose of opening Al Capone's
Secrete Door. He apparently did
this to disclose riches beyond
human belief and to inform
America that he (Geraldo) has the
same brain capacity as roofing
shingles. This next news article
describes more accurately what
happened in Yellowstone.
Chefenne; WY (UPS)
From Wyoming's state
capitol of .Cheyenne it was
announced today that in an
attempt to gain something
positive from the
Yellowstone fire, the
state's entire population
formed a 300 mile-long
human chain. The mass of
humanity then blew .
southwest as hard as they
could in an unsuccessful
effort to reroute the blaze
and burn the whole state of
low rates
New York
per copy
subscribe
California to the ground,
especially the cast of LA
Law.
When reached for
comment, Governor Y.
Oming responded "Hey, we
tried. Ten years ago this
country was promised
California would break off
and sank to the depths of
the pacific. We were just
trying to give them some
motivation."
Through all of this, the most
over-attended-to news i tem had to
be the two whales trapped in the
icy waters near Alaska. They
received as much attention as if
they were members of England's
whiny royal family. They were
coddled, pampered and catered....
Hey! wait a minute! Didn't this
whole whale episode occur at the
exact time Prince Andrew and
Blubber-Hips Fergie were unable :i:EEE
to be located while vacationing in ::•* 7
the Arctic? *•••••••
While these problems
occurred, much was going on
elsewhere. The entertainment
industry remained a big influence
on people, yet the movie-going
public taught Hollywood a
lesson. People avoided "Leonard
Part VI" in droves showing that
just because a major star, such as
Bill Cosby, is contracted doesn't
guarantee that a movie won't be a
total flop. It seems to me they
should have learned this lesson
with Ishtar.
Question: Is George Michael
caught in eternal stubble? How
am T`supposed to•'take his guy
seriously when he only has two
first names? Afterall, we live in
an age when it's fashionable to
have at least three, such as that
role model of Friday night drama,
Phillip Michael Thomas David
Mickey William.... •••••••
Switching to more melodious
matters, I guess the new fashion
ffff T 'KS 7I. iIKOWWWq
I.D. CARD
DISCOUNT
$4, reg. FRENCH FRIES
with the purchase of
ANY sandwich & soft drink
WE DO IT
0 0. YOU'D DO it,-
BURGER
KING
The Collegian Wednesday, January 25
is for heavy metal bands to come In 1989, it would be nice to
out with deeply emotional, be hopeful that George Bush and
heartfelt and meaningful songs the rest of the world leaders will
like "Every Rose Has It's Thorn". serve our planet peacefully so
Maybe Fm wrong, but it seems that all of our dreams will be
to me that Poison is to fulfilled. Fm Referring especially
t
intellectual song lyrics what to my dream where I'm trapped
Tommy Lasorda is to Speedo f or the weekend at the Las Vegas
bikini swimwear. Hilton with lonely Sports
All in all, 1988 was an Illustrated Swimsuit Models.
interesting year in terms of news
and entertainment headlines.
Unfortunately, it has left us and
gone to a better place much like
those burritos with salsa I ate last
Friday night.
Must show Behrend Student I.D.
card before orderifig Offer . good
until. June. 1989.
4315 Buffalo Rd.
453-3774 .---.:-..-.
Note to Barbara Bush:
Sak's called. Your $14,000
per setting china is in.
They also said to tell you
that "Grey is out, babe."
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ittti 1 r--- '. -' 4
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BURGER
KING •
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