Ill
VOL. XV.
INEW BLOOMFIELD, TUESDAY, OOTOBEE 11, 1881.
NO. 41.
THE TIMES.
Ait Independent Family Newspaper,
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HOW SHE MANAGED HIM.
" T CAN get along with him, I'm very
X sure," said Joscellnd Darkridge.
"Nobody could get along with him 1"
chorused the three Miss Darkrldges in
unison.
Uncle Black was the personage of
whom they spoke a crabbed, ill-temper-ered
little old man who lived in a su
perb old county seat among the Catskilla.
He had money to leave, but his nieces
and nephews secretly believed that It
would be a deal easier to go to California
or Qolconda, or tome of those fabulous
places, and dig . fortunes' out nugget by
nugget, then to stay at home and earn
them by making themselves acceptable
to an old gentleman who had as many
angles as a rose diamond, and as many
prickly spikes of temper and disposition
as a porcupine.
Naomi was a soft-voiced, slender girl,
with a head which reminded one of a
drooping lily.
"No one can help liking Naomi," said
Mrs. Darkridge, as she kissed her daugh
ter good-bye.
But in three weeks Naomi came back,
half-frightened out of her wits.
"He scolds so dreadfully," Bald Naomi,
"And he looks at me as the wolf must
have looked at Little Bed Biding Hood.
Oh, mamma, I couldn't stay there, not
if I was to be made richer than Miss
Burdett-Coutts herself I"
Magdalen Darkridge went next ; but
Magdalen, although a fine tall girl, with
a spirit of her own, was cowed by Uncle
Black's savage eyes in leas than a week.
"I'd sooner sweep crossings for a liv
ing," said she, "than to beUncle Black's
helresss."
And so she came home without loss of
time.
Bhoda Darkridge, in no wise abashed
by the successive failures of her sisters,
was the third one to try Black Grange
and its possibilities. But she also suc
cumbed before the terrible scourge of
Uncle Black's tongue.
"It's Bcold, snarl, snarl, scold, from
morning till night 1" said Bhoda, as in
three days time she tearfully related her
experience to her parents. "Oh, you
don't know, nobody can know, what a
dreadful man Uncle Black Is !"
"Oh, hang the old scamp!" said Mr.
Darkridge, who was of a free-and-easy
nature, and thought his girls a great deal
too sweet and nice to be snarled at by
any old miser. "Let him alone. My
daughters needn't go begging for any
man's money."
But here Joscellnd, the youngest, tall
est and prettiest of the four girls, spoke
up:
"I will go !" said she.
"You do not know what you are uu.
dertaklng," said Naomi, with a shudder.
"He would wear out a stone," said
Magdalen.
"He's a ghoul I" shuddered Bhoda.
"I can get along with him, I am very
sure," eald Joscellnd, brightly.
And she packed her little trunk, and
went to Black Orange.
It was sunset a red, flaming sunset,
like one of Gifford's pictures when she
came up the terraced flight of steps that
led to the old bouse. Everything blush
ed blood red In the deep light, and Jos
cellnd could see bow lovely was the
scenery; how substantial this old gray;
bouse, with Its square towers and semi
circular, colonnaded porch.
Uncle Black stood on the steps, in a
wig and black silk stockings, surmount
ed by huge silver kneebuckles.
"Bo you are Joscellnd 1"' said Uncle
Black, surveying her with little twink
ling eyes, like black beads.
"Ye. I am Josceliud ?" said thebrlght
cheeked girl, giving him a kips. a
"You're late I" said Uncle Black.
"I am late," said JoBcelind. "I
thought the old beast of a stage never
would get here. The horses fairly crept
and the roads were horrid."
"It's a dreadfully warm day," growled
Uncle Black.
"I'm almost roasted," sighed Josce
llnd. "The whole summer has been Intoler
ably warm," said the old gentleman,
"We might as well be in the tropics
and done with it," retorted Joscellnd,
flinging off her shawl and fanning her
self vehemently."
Uncle Black gave her the keys that
night, just as he had three times before
given them to her three sisters.
"I shall expect you to take charge of
the whole establishment," said he. "The
servants are miserable"
"No more than one might expect,"
interrupted Joscellnd, with a deprecatory
motion of the hand. "Servants are mere
frauds, nowadays 1"
"And nothing goes right about the
place."
"Nothing ever does!" said Joscellnd.
Uncle Black eyed her queerly. This
was quite different from the determined
cheerfulness and systematic good spirits
of her three sisters.
At breakfast, the next morning, Uncle
Black begau to scold, as usual. '
"Fish again I" said he. "This makes
four mornings In the week we've had
fish."
"I detest fish!" said Joscellnd, push
ing away her plate with a grimace.
"And the rolls heavy again !" growled
Uncle Black, breaking one open,
"Please give me the plate, Uncle
Black," said Joscellnd; and she rang
the table bell sharply.
Betty, the cook, a stout, good humored
Irishwoman, made her appearance.
"Betty, be so good as to throw these
rolls out of the window," said Miss
Darkridge.
Betty stared.
"Do you hear what I tell you ?" said
Miss Darkridge, with emphasis.
And Betty flung the rolls among the
rose-bushes, where they were speedily
devoured by Cato, the Newfoundland
dog, and Bob and Boy, the two setters.
"But what am I to eat for breakfast V"
bewailed Uncle Black.
"Crackers, of course. Anything is
better thau imperiling one's digestion
with such stuff as this I And, Betty, if
you send up any more fish in a month,
you may consider yourself discharged
do you hear?"
Bat my dear, I am rather fond of
fish," put in the old man.
" One can't eat fish the whole time,"
said Joscellnd, imperiously. "Here,
Betty this coffee is not fit to drink I
and the toast is burned! and you must
have put the cooking butter on the table
by mistake 1 let these errors be rectified
at once."
Betty retired, with an ominous rustle
of ber stiffly starched apron.
" My dear," said Uncle Black, rather
apprehensively, " Betty is a very old
servant, and she"
" I don't care if she is the age of
Methuselah ; nobody can be expected to
put up with such wretched cookery as
this!"
" I really think she is not so bad,
if"
"Oh, pray don't apologize for her,
Uncle Black 1" said Joscellnd. "They
are all shiftless, lazy creatures, who
must be discharged promptly If they
don't do their duties."
Uncle Bck began to look frightened.
He had kept Betty, Sylvia and John for
ten years. Was it possible that he had
scolded at them for ten years, only to
have Joscellnd Darkridge out-scold him
now?
"I wouldn't be too short with 'em,
my dear, if I were you I" be remonstra.
ted. ' ,
"Then let them do their duty !" said
Joscellnd, with the air of an empress.
"We are all mortal," pleaded Uncle
Black.
"I expect every one around me to live
to their conditions," said Joscellnd,
"Uncle Black ate the rest of his break
fast with but little appetite. Bylva, the
housemaid, was finishing dusting his li
brary as he entered it.
"Not through yet 1"' growled Uncle
Black, the fretwork of wrinkles once
more coming into his brow.
"Hylvla," said Miss Darkridge, severe,
ly, "If this happens again, I shall dis
pense with your services ! Look at that
clock! Is this the time of day to be
dawdling about the rooms with a broom
and duster ? Bemember that Mr. Black
does not pay you exorbitant wages to lie
in bed until noon I"
"My dear," sold Uncle Black, "Hylvla
Is generally a very good girl, if"
"Dear Uncle," interrupted Joscellnd,
"pray permit me to be the Judge of these
matters. You have ruled your house
hold with a slack and indulgent hand
altogether too long. I shall now insti
tute a reform."
And poor Sylvia had never moved
about bo briskly as she did that day.
Old John, the gardener, was not ex
empt from his share of the general tur
moil. Miss Darkridge chanced to over
hear her uncle reproaching the old man
for some fancied neglect in the flower
beds, whose diamonds, ovals and cres
cents of brilliant colors were the pride of
his horticultural heart, and she came
promptly to his aid.
"Gardening, Indeed 1 Do you call this
gardening ?" she said. "Uncle Black,
I'm astonished that you keep such a
man as this about the place!"
And the torrent of taunts and re
proaches which she showered upou the
luckless head of poor old John was
enough, as that individual observed, "to
make one's flesh creep."
"My niece Is a young lady of spirit
and energy, apologized Mr. Black, when
at last Joscellnd had gone back to the
house.
"Verra like you, sir verra like you 1"
said old John, scratching his head.
"Like me!" said Mr. Black, slowly.
And he stood for full five minutes,
quite speechless and motionless, staring
down at the mossy rim of an ancient
sun-dial, half sunk in the velvety grass.
And at the end of the five minutes he
spoke two other words, and only two:
"Like me!"
"There's no knowin' the masther, he's
that changed," said Betty, in the kitch
en, a week or so after. He's as mild as
a lamb and as peaceable as a kitten."
"Sure, isn't that just what the young
lady told us," said Sylvfa, "when she
came down into the kitchen that first
morning before the fire was lighted, and
told us she was goln' to try an experi
ment, and we wasn't to mind a word
she eald, 'cause it was all by contraries.
'He don't know what his temper has
got to be,' said she 'and I'm going to
show him.1 And, bless her sweet heart,
her plan has worked like a charm !"
It had, In good truth. Uncle Black
was a changed man. And Joscellnd had
relapsed into the original sunshine of her
temper and all the domestic wheels of
Black Grange seemed to revolve on vel
vet. But Uncle Black took all the credit to
himself. He never knew that Joscellnd
had taught him a lesson.
"We get along very nicely," eald he,
"now that my niece has subdued those
little tempers of hers."
And Joscellnd was his heiress and
darling after all for he will always be
lieve that it was he who "formed her
character."
TOO WELL PAID FOR THAT.
SAM SLICK tells this story of an
old admiral whom he knew at Hal
ifax : On one occasion I attended divine
service with him, on board of his mag
nificent flag-ship, the Graball. The dis
cipline in those days was dreadfully
severe, and, I may add, unmerciful.
The men were punished so often and so
cruelly, that they became desperate, and
mutiny and desertion were things of fre
quent occurrence. Scarcely a day passed
without the loss of a man ; and even the
extreme penalty of death, which was the
inevitable consequence of such crimes,
did not check their desire to escape from
the service. The chaplain took the op
portunity to preach against such deser
tion, aud selected for his text the elev
enth verse of the sixth chapter of
Nebemiab, "And I said, should such a
man as I flee V" He enlarged upon the
duty of sailors to be obedient to those
who were set In authority over them,
and to continue true to their engage
ments, and enforced every exhortation
by a repetition of his text. He then con
cluded by an eloquent appeal to their
feelings; first, eulogizing their coolness
and ' intrepidity in danger, and then
calling upon them to stand by their king
and country, and maintain the honor of
both, and slowly and emphatically reit
erated, "And I said, should such a man
as I flee V" "No," said a voice which
arose from among the marines, and was
evidently the effect of ventriloquism
"no, blast you ! you are too well paid for
that!" Aloud, long-drawn breathing
was audible among the men, who, feel
ing that something atrocious had beeu
done, which in all probability would be
followed by some terrible retribution,
while an ill-suppressed titter was heard
among the junior officers, at the sudden
ness and qualntness of the retort. The
chaplain paused and looked at the Ad
miral, and the Admiral glared at the
men, as if he could annihilate them all.
Immediate inquiry was made and the
strictest examination of every Individual
instituted, accompanied by a positive
declaration that the whole ship's compa
ny should be whipped, unless the cul
prit was given up. The secret, howver,
was never divulged, nor the threat of
Indiscriminate punishment carried into
effect.
RATHER MIXED.
" TS there any truth in this story that
1 Mr. Garfield has killed Senator
Conkling " inquired Mrs. Spoopendyke,
fitting the sleeve into the arm hole aud
running In the basting.
"No!" ejaculated Mr. Spoopendyke.
"Where did you get that ? Mr. Conk
ling has resigned, but he ain't dead."
"I read that he had got into some diffi
culty with Mr. Garfield, and Mr. Gar
field had dragged him all around by the
ear, and finally they had to take Mr.
Conkling away to save his life, though
he died afterward."
"Who said so V" demanded Mr. Spoop
endyke. "Where'd you read anything
like that?"
"I read it on a pattern that Mrs. Win
terbotham loaned me for an oversklrt.
I'm sure it's bo." replied Mrs. Spoopen
dyke. "Get the pattern, Mrs. Spoopendyke.
Show it to me."
Mrs. Spoopendyke unrolled the pattern
and commenced to read :
"'The complications at Washington
have assumed the most exciting shape.
To-day the troubles between Garfield and
Conkling culminated by Conkling seiz
ing him by the throat and holding on
while the crowd yelled with delight.
Twenty to one was offered, but Garfield
remains firm and declares that the ad
ministration will not yield. This posi
tion roused the crowd to frenzy. It la
said that Conkling really desires to re
tire to private life, but Garfield at that
moment planted his teeth in his game
adversary's ear, and dragged him around
until the friends of Conkling were com
pelled to interfere to save the poor
thing's life. He was taken home, but
died in a few minutes.' There!" said
Mrs. Spoopendyke, triumphantly, "I
told you so."
"Show me!" said Mr. Spoopendyke,
Jumping up- and seizing the pattern.
"Where d'ye find such dod gasted non
sense as that? Where is It?"
"There, it begins under the ruffle,
then it runs over on the band and down
on the gore, and ends here on the plait
ing. I knew I'd seen it," and Mrs.
Spoopendyke smiled pleasantly.
"What's the matter with you, you
measly idiot?" howled Mr. Spoopen.
dyke. "This is where you get your po
litical information, is it? This is the
source of your intelligence on national
affairs? All you want is two more
patterns and a bald head to be a const!
tutional lawyer! Three overskirts and
a pair of spectacles would make you a
supreme-court Judge 1 What d'ye think
thla lv"
"Is n't 1J; rignt ?" faltered Mrs. Spoop
endyke. "Did you read from the ruffle
over to the band and down to the gore"
"Yes, I did, did n't I ?" squeaked Mr.
Spoopendyke, "and so did you, did n't
you ? Do you know what you've got
here ?"
"Is n't It a pat"
"Dod gast the pattern I mean the
print ! Bart of it is about Garfield, part
about Conkling, and the rest is about a
dog fight on Long Island. Know what
it Is now ? ' Think you can understand
It, now I've explained it to you? Oh,
you can I You've got bi atns ! Some day
I'm going to run a pipe in your ear, and
start a phosphorus factory !" and Mr.
Spoopendyke danced out of the room,
leaving it strewn with pattern dust.
"I don't care," sobbed Mrs Spoopen
dyke. "It read all right, and the skirt
fitted so nicely that I. supposed the arti
cles were put together straight. And it
was so perfectly natural anybody might
make the same mistake. It's so like
most of the news from Washington that
I've been expecting It every day," and
Mrs. Spoopendyke overcast the sleeve.
with the serene conviction that after all
you've got to patch a newspaper into a
pattern to get at the actual facts some
times. JERUSALEM AND THE DEAD SEA.
NEW ideas are working into Pales
tine. A new city is going up on
the west side of Jerusalem, outside of the
gates. Along the turnpike to Jaffa run
the telegraph wires, and on the plain of
Sharon stands the large "Jewish Agri
cultural College" surrounded by a model
farm and thrifty nurseries. Bethlehem
is a thriving town largely it is nomi
nally Christian and it carries on exten
sive manufactures In mother-of-pearl.
The Bethlehemites brought back from
our Centennial Exhibition at Philadel
phia about seventy thousand dollars as
net profit of the sale of their beautiful
wares. If Palestine were only delivered
from the tyranny of the Sultan, or were
ruled by such a man as the Pasha Roulff
(the governor of Jerusalem), It would
rise rapidly into a new era of economic
progress. The Sultan's touch and tread
are death.
The much maligned Dead Sea has a
weird and wonderful beauty. We took
a bath in its cool, clear waters, and de
tected no difference from a bath at Coney
Island except that the water has such a
density that we floated on it like pine
shingles. No fish from the salt ocean
can live in It ; but it is very attractive to
the eye on a hot noonday. A scorching
ride we had across the barren plain to
the sacred Jordan, which disappointed
me sadly. At the places where the
Israelites crossed and our Lord was bap
tized, it is about 120 feet wide; it flows
rapidly, and in a turbid current of light
stone color. In size and appearance it
Is the perfect counterpart of the Musk
ingum a few miles above Zanesville. Its
useles waters ought to be turned off to
irrigate its barren valley, which might
be changed into a garden. For beauty
the Jordan will not compare with Eli
jah's Brook Cherlth, whose bright,
sparkling stream went flowing past our
lodging-place at Jericho. We ' lodged
over night in a Greek convent (very
small), and rode next morning to see the
ruins of the town made famous by Josh
ua, Elijah, Zaccheus and the restoration
of Bartimeus to sight. Squalid Arabs
haunt the sacred spot.
Out of Groceries.
"John," said a farmer's wife to the
lord of the manse, "we are out of sugar,
and you will have to go to town."
"Well, we must get along some way.
We can do without until I get through
with my rush. I can't stop my teams
now. You know the good book says if
we do not sow we cannot reap."
"John," she says the next day, "we
are out of coffee, as well as sugar, and
you will have to go to town. You know
you can't do without your coffee."
' Well, we must get along some way
until I get through with my work. We
can do let's see, can't you go over to
Mrs. Riddleberger's and borrow some
until I get time ?"
The next day John said to the hired
man,
"Billy, gimme a chew of your tobac
co. I'm out."
"Wish I could ; but I was just going
to ask you for a chew," replied Billy.
"Well, I declare," said John. "Well,
Billy, I've got to go to town, there's no
use to talk. We are out of groceries."
John stops a machine, takes a team
and goes to town for groceries.
tiTA very charitable man and no
body's fool was he who used to say, when
he heard any oneitelng loudly condemn,
ed for some fault, "Ah, well, yes t It
seems very bad to me, because that's not
my way of sinning."