THE TIMES NEW BL00MF1ELD, PA., AUGUST 10, 1881.
A Five Pound Kiss.
TP ever you or yours gt Ave pounds
X out of Ine, madam, before I die, I
promlne you, you shall have five iliou
nnd : find I am a man of my word."
80 pjmke Mr. John Jleardinore,drysalter
and-common. councilman of the city of
London, to Dorothea Elizabeth, bin wid
owed sister-in-law, who had applied to
lilm for pecuniary nuccor about three
months after the death of his younger
brother Isaac, her husband. There were
harshness and stubborn determination
enough In his reply, but there was no
niggard cruelty. Mrs. Jshbo wanted
money, It Is true, but only In the sense
in which we all want It. Hhe was only
poor In comparison with the great wealth
of this relative by marriage. Jler Income
Was large enough for anyordlnary Mr.
John said "legitimate" purpose, but
not Buftluleut for sending her boy to
Eton and finishing him oil' at the uni
versities, us it was thelmaternal wish to
tlo. Mr. John hated such genteel in
tentions; Christ's Hospital had been
a fashionable enough school for him,
and he had " finished oil"" as a clerk at
forty pounds a year in that very respect
able house of which he was now senior
partner. With the results of that edu-'
cation, exemplified In himself, lie was
perfectly satisfied and If his nephews
only turned out half ns well, their moth
er, lie thought, might think herself un
commonly lucky. Her family had giv
en themselves airs upon the occsaslon of
her marrying Isaac, "allying herself
with commerce," some of them called
it, and John bad never forgiven them.
He gloried in his own profession, ul
though government had never seen tit
to ennoble any member of it, and per
haps all the more upon that account ;
for he was one of those radicals who
are not " snobs " at heart, but rather
aristocrats. He honestly believed that
noblemen and gentlemen were the low
er onlers,and those who toiled and strove
in their own way as much as others, lie
made a gesture of contempt, and "blew"
like an exasperated wliale. It is a vul
gar sort of retort, of course, but so em
nently expressive, that his opponent
rarely pursued the subject.
He rather liked ilia sister-in-law, in
spite of her good birth, and would have
doubtless, largely assisted her had she
consented to bring up her children ac
cording to his views ; but since she pre
ferred to take her own way, he with
drew himself more and more from her
society, uutil they Baw nothing at all of
one another. He had no iutentiou of
leaving his money away from his broth
er's children ; he had much too strong
a sense of duty for that; and as for mar
riage, that was an idea that never enter
ed into ilia hard old head. He had not
made a fool of himself by falliug in love
in middle age, as Isaac had done (in
youth, he had no time for such follies),
and it was uotiiktly thatatslxty-fivehe
should commit any such imprudence.
So his nephews and nieces felt confident
of being provided for In the future. In
the present, however, as time went on
and the education of both boys and girls
grew more expensive, Mrs. Isaac's in
come became greatly straightened. Her
own family very much applauded the
expensive way the was bringing up her
children, and especially her Independ
ence of spirit with relation to her trades
man brother hi-law, but they never as
sisted her with a penny. The young
gentlema'n at Cambridge was therefore
kept upon very short allowance ; and the
young ladies, whose beauty was some,
thing remarkable.afrected white muslin,
and wore no meretricious jewelry.
Their pin money was very limited, poor
things, and they made their own clothes
at home by the help of a sewing ma--chine.
If Uncle John could have seen
them thusdilligently employed.his heart
would perhaps have softeued towards
them, but, as I have said, they now
never got that chance, Julia, the elder,
had been but six year's old when he had
last called at their liighly-reuted but
diminutive habitation in May fair, and
now she was eighteen, and had never
, seen him since. Although she had, of
course, grown out of the old man's rec
ollection, she remembered his figure
head, as the w ickedly called his rigid
features, uncommonly well ; aud.indeed,
cobody w ho hud ever seen it was likely
to forget it. His countenance was not
so much human as ligneous ; and his
jprofiie Nephew Jack bad actually seen
upon a certain nobby tree in the lime,
walk of Clare Hall at Cambridge, much
more like than any silhouette ever cut
out of black paper. They had laughed
at the old geutleman in early days, and
snapped their fingers at his churlish
ness, but it had become no laughing
matter now.
That remark of Uncle John's, " If
ever you or yours get rive pounds out of
me, madam, you shall have rive thou
sand ; and I am a man of my word,"
had become a very serious sentence, con
, demning all the family to.lf not poverty,
at least to very urgent want. What it
meant, of course, was, that he was reso
lutely determined to give tue'in nothing.
In vain the. young ladles worked for
Uucle John slippers and hook-markers
for bis birthday, and sent to him their
best wishes at Christmas in Illmmel's
highly-scented envelopes ; in vain Jack
sent him a pound of the most excellent
snuff that Dacon' emporium could fur
nish, at the beginning of every term.
lie always wrote back a civil letter of
thanks, in a clear and clerkly letter, but
there was never any enclosure. When
Mrs. Isaac asked him to dinner, he de
clined in a caustic manner, avowing
that he did not feel himself comfortable
at the aristocratic tables of the West End
and sent her a pine-apple for the des
sert, of his own growing. He had real
ly no ill-feeling for his relatlves,althougli
he kept himself so estranged from them;
but I think lliis sort of conduct tickled
the old gentleman's sense of humor. If
he could have found some legitimate ex
cuse for "making up" with ills sister-in-law,
within the first year or two of
their falling out, perhaps he would have
been glad to do so ; but time had now so
widened the breach, that It was not ko
easily repaired ; what he had satirically
written when he declined her invitation
had growu to be true; he rarely went in
to society, and almost never went into
the company of ladles, the elder portion
of whom be considered frivolous and
vexatious, and the younger positively
dangerous. He had a few old-bachelor
frlemlH, however, with whom lie kept
a cordial intercourse, and spent with
them the various festivals of the year as
regularly as they came round.
Ou the 31st of December for Instance,
he never omitted to go down to Heading,
and " see the old year out and the, new
year In," in company of Tom Wharton,
Willi whom he had worn the yellow
stockings in those school-days that bad
passed away more than half a century
ago. Tom and Isaac had been even
greater cronies as boys than Tom and
John, but the latter did not like Tom
the les on that account ; secretly, I
think, lie esteemed him the more highly
as a liuk bet ween himself and that luck
less family whose very existence he yet
chose to ignore. Mr. Wharton had in
timate relations with them still ; they
came down to stay witli him whenever
ills sister paid him a visit, and could act
as their hostess ; but this never happen
in the last week of the year. Tom was
never to speak of them to his old friend,
that was not only tacitly understood,
but had even beeu laid down in writing,
as the basis of their intimacy.
On the Slat of December last, Mr.
John liearduiore found himself, as usual
at the raddington Station, looking for
an empty compartment, for his own
company had got to be very pleasing to
him. Having attained his object, and
rolled himself up in the corner of the
carriage in several greatcoats, with his
feet upon a hot tin, and his hands cloth
ed iu thick mittens, and looking alto
gether like a polar bear who liked to
makehimself comfortable, when every
thing was arranged, I say to the old
gentleman's complete satisfaction, who
should Invade his privacy just as the
train was about to start, and the whistle
had sounded, but one of the most be
witching young ladles you ever set eyes
on I
" Madam, this carriage is engaged,"
growled lie, pointing to the umbrella,
carpet-hag and books, which he had dis.
tributed on all the seats, in order to give
it that appearance.
" Only engaged to you, I think, sir,"
replied the charmer flippantly. "Hup
py carriage I I wish I was. Isn't that
pretty V"
Mr. liearduiore had never had any
thing half so shocking Bald to him iu
all his life, and if the train had not al
ready set In motion, he would have
called the guard for help and left the
carriage forthwith. As it was, he could
only look at this shameless young per
son with an expression of the severest
reprobation. At the same time his heart
sank within him at the reflection, that
the train was not to stop till he reached
his destination, Heading. What in
dignities might he not have to suller be.
fore he could obtain protection 1 She
was a modest-looking young lady, too,
very simply dressed, and her voice was
particularly sweet and prepossessing,
notwithstanding the very dreadful re.
marks in which she had indulged. Per.
haps she was out of her mind, and at
this idea Mr. John Beardmore broke out,
notwithstanding the low temperature,
into a very profuse presplration.
" Now, what will you give me for a
kiss, you bid you old polar bear "r" ask
ed the stranger playfully, as the train
flew by Ealing.
"Nothing, madam, nothiug; I am
astonished at you," answered Mr,
Beardmore, looking anxiously round the
carriage in the desperate hope of find
ing one of those newly-patented inven
tions of affording communication with
the guard.
" Well, then I'll take one, and leave it
to your honor," continued the young
lady with a peal of silver-laughter ; and
with that she lightly rose, and before
the old geutleman could free himself
from Lis wraps or ward off with his
mufl'etees, she had Imprinted a kiss upon
his horny cheek, Mr. Denrdmnre'i
breath was so utterly taken away by
this assault, that he remained epcechlem,
but his countenance was probably more
full of expression than It had ever been
in his life. " O no, I am not mud,"
laughed she In reply to It, " although I
have taken a fancy to such ft wonderful
old creature. Now, come, If I kUx you
again, what will you give me V"
"I shall give you Iu charge of the
police, madam, the luxlniil (hut 1 ar
rive at Heading."
" Olve me In charge! What for, you
curious piece of nutlipilty t
" Por an assault, tmidum ; ye for un
assault. Don't you know that you have
no right to kins people without their
consent In this manner 1"
Here the young lady laughed so vio
lently that tears came Into her eyes.
" Do you suppose you poor old doting
creature, that any body will ever billevo
such a story as that t Do you ever use
such a tiling as a looking glasn, you
poor dear? Are you aware how very
unprepossessing your appearance Is.evcn
when you dow-'t frown, as you are doing
now, in & manner that Is enough to
frighten one Y You have, of course, a
perfect right to your own opinion, but
but if you suppose the police will agree
with you, you will find yourself much
mistaken. The Idea of anybody want
ing to kiss you will reasonably enough
appear! to them to be preposterous."
" What Is it you require of me, you
wicked creature i"' cried the old bache
lor in an agony of shame und rage.
" I waut payment for my kiss. To a
gentleman at your time of life, who
scarcely could expect to be so favored
surely It Is worth, what shall I say I'
ll ve pounds. What I not bo much V
Well, then, here's another for your other
cheek." Like a flash of lightning she
suited the action to her words.
" There, then, live pounds for the two,
and I won't take a shilling less. You
will have to give it to the poor's box at
the police station, if not to me. For I
intend iu case you are obstinate to com
plain of your disgraceful conduct to the
guard, at the first opportunity. I shall
give you in custody, sir, as sure as you
are alive. You will be put upon your
oath you kuow, and all you will dare to
to say, will be that kissed you, and
not you me. What 'roars of laughter'
there will be in court, and how funny it
will all look In the papers!" Here the
young lady began to laugh again, as
though she had already read It there.
Mr. lieardmore's grim sense of humor
was, as usual accompanied by a keen
dislike of appearing ridiculous. True,
he hated to be Imposed upon ; still, of
the two evils was it not better to pay
five pounds, than to be made the laughing-stock
of his bachelor friends, who
are not the sort of people to commiser
ate one in a misfortune of this kind.
In short, Mr. John Beardmore paid
the money. Mr. Thomas Wharton found'
his guest that evening anything but talk
ative. There was a select party of the
male sex invited to meet him, by whom
the old drysalter was accustomed to be
regarded as an oracle; but upon this oc
casion he had nothiug to say ; the con
sciousness of having beeu ''done" op
pressed him. His lips were tightly sealed;
Lis cheeks were still glowing from the
auducious insult that had been put upon
them ; his fingers clutched the pocket
book in which there was a five-pound
note less than there ought to be. But
when his host and himself were left
alone that night, "seeing the old year
out and the new year iu," his heart be
gan to thaw under the genial Influeneces
of friendship and gin-punch, and he
told his late adventure to Tom Wharton,
not without some enjoyment at his own
mischance.
"I could really almost forgive the
jade," said he, for having taken me iu
so cleverly. I dare say however, she
makes quite a profession of it ; and that
half a score of old gentlemen have beeu
coerced before now iuto ransoming their
good name as I did. And yet she was
as modest and lady-like looking a girl as
you ever saw."
" Was she anythlg like this V" inqulr
Mr. Wharton, producing a photograph.
'" Why that's the very girl!" exclaim
ed the guest. Ha, ha ! Tom, so you, too,
have been one of her victims, haveyou?
Well, now, this is most extraordinary."
" Not at all, my dear fellow. I know
her very well ; and her sister, and her
mother, and her brother, too. 1 can In
troduce her to you if you like. There's
not a bit of harm iu her ; bless you, she
only kissed you for a bit of fun."
" A bit of fun," cried Mr. Beardmore,
" Why she got a five-pound note out of
me!"
" But she does not mean to keep It, I
feel very sure. Would you like to bee
her again ? Come, ,Yes' or 'No'?"
" If she will give me back my money,
'Yes.'"
" Very well," returned the host ;
"mind you asked for her yourself," aud
he rang the bell pretty sharply twice.
" Here she Is ; it's your niece, Miss
Julia, her mother aud sister are now
staying under this very roof."
V'Yes uncle," said the young lady
demurely. "Here Is your five-pound
note; please to Rive me that five thou
sand you promised mamma if ever the
or twr'i got five oundn out of you; fot
you are a man your word, I kuow.
But what would be butter still would be,
to let me kiss you once more In the char
aoter of your dutiful niece ! and let us
all love you as we want to do. It was
an audacious stratagem, I admit, hut I
think you'll forgive me, come."
" There go the church belles!" cried
Tom Wharton, It Is the new year, and
a fitting time to forget old enmities.-
Olve your uncle a kiss, child."
Uncle John made no resistance thin
time, but avowed himself fairly con
quured; and between oursel ves,although
ho made no " favorites'' among hi new-
ly.reconclled relatives, but treated them
with equal kindness, I think he always
liked his Niece Julia best, who had been
the cause of healing a quarrel which
no one perhaps hail regretted more at
lieui t tlmii Undo John himself.
Women's and Hones Ears.
Dr. OarrMi, speaking of horses' said
that greater attention should be paid to
their comfort. They should get fruit
and sugar occasionally, and, above all
things, they ought to have one day's
rest out of seven. He said that horses,
though not so Intelligent as dogs, are
very sagacious, and mentioned an In
stance of a horse of his that used to stop
of his own accord at the door of a pa
tient whom he hud beeu treating for
fever : a year afterward, passing by, the
horse astonished the doctor by stopping
as before.
Dr. Lambert thought that while a
horse might not be so Intelligent as a
dog, he could see further. A long-lived
horse, he said, was known by the elas
ticity and firmness of its ear, and a
short-lived one has a flubby ear. The
same rule, he said, held good with re
gard to women. A woman whose ear
was pulled out of shape by a heavy ear
ring had not many years to live, while
one whose ear stood the strain would at
tain u good age.
An Economical Eloperront.
A Minneapolis paper says: J. Itopp,
of Tine City, who eloped with his land
lord's daughter, Annie Kyder, a 15 year
old girl, July 3, has been discovered, af
ter a long search by the girl's parents,
In Anoka, where the bridegroom was
workiug In a brickyard. The girl's
mother caused the arrest of Itopp, but
relented and left for home with the
couple. The story of the elopement, as
told by the husband. Is as follows: They
started down the railroad track simply
for a walk, but after talking the matter
over decided to elope. Walking along
the track until dark they came to some
empty box cars, and iu one of them
roomed for the night. Next morning
they started across the country and
made St. Francis for dinner, which con
sisted of three cents' worth of crackers
purchased from the cash capital of four
cents. They made Anoka that night
and the man obtained work in the brick
yard. Jacob Is a bright looking fellow
of and Annie is quite comely and
has seen 15 summers.
A Strango Attempt at Suicide.
A scene both ludicrous and ghastly
was presented In a recent case of at
tempted suicide iu Columbus, Ohio.
The woman who wished to end her life
hired a little boy, ten years old, to assist
her In the desperate deed. She succeed
ed in breaking, not her neck but her
nose ; aud at the subsequent judicial in-
vestigatiou that was made, the boy tes
tified as follows : "She got on the box;
and I asked her for the ten cents before
she put her head in a rope. She
wouldn't give me the ten cents, and I Jet
her go, and she didn't put her head in
She hollered and fell down, and then
you men came running and I got out of
the way." One cannot help wondering
now the menus or ttie little fellow, ana
Indeed he himself, after he had growu
older, would huve felt had the woman
succeeded in her design; and also the
probably effect of the affair upon the
child a moral sensibilities.
Feeble Ladles.
Those languid, tiresome sensations,
causing you to feel scarcely able to be on
your feet; that constant drain is taking
from your system, all its elasticity;
driving bloom from your cheeks; that
continual strain upon your vital forces,
rendering you irritable and fretful, can
easily be removed by the use of that
marvelous remedy. Hop Bitters. Irreg
ularities and obstructions or your sys
tern are relieved at once, while the spe
cial cause of periodical pain is perma
nently removed. Will you heed this ?
Ltncinimtt Aalunlay A lyht. izt
A Difficult Problem Solved.
Ambition, competition aud over-exertion
use up the vital powers of men and
women, so that a desire for stimulants
seems to be a natural human passion.
aud drunkenness prevails ou account of
this necessity for bodily auu mental in
vigoratlon. . Barker's Ginger Touio fair
ly solves the difficult problem, aud has
brought health and happiness iuto many
desolate homes. It does not tear down
an already debilitated system, but builds
it up without intoxicating. 20 liu
Ft
Foil
RHEUflATISr
9
Neuralgia, Sciatica, Lumbago,
Backache, Soreness of the Chest, Gout,
Quinsy, Sore Throat, Swellings and
Sprains, Burns and Scalds,
General Bodily Pains,
Tooth, Ear and Headache, Frosted Feet
and Ears, and all other Pains
and Aches.
Vn Pwpsratl'm nn enrth en,ualii fT. Skruwk On. ni
H'f' r. mitHftl HII'l rfnp Exti-rmil Kemedy.
A lr!nl enuilla but the rimipnriilivi..y trltlliiir outlay
i)f no 4'-n1, nii'l pvry one aiiAi-ring with )ia
cull have chtmp nml jMitlve proof of lu claims.
iJlrectlima In Eleven Language!.
BOLD BY ALL DBtJOOISTS AUD DEALEES 15
MEDICINE,
A.VOGHLER & CO.,
Iliitttmorr, Mil., XT. B. A.
MayS.lSSl-ly
jyjUSSER & ALLEN
CENTRAL STORE'
NEWPORT, PENN'A.
Now offer the public
A RARE AND ELKOANT ASSORTMENT 0
DRESS GOODS
Consisting of all Partes suitable for the season
BLA CK A LP A CCAS
AKI
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A SPECIALITY.
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AN ENDLESS SELECTION OK PRINTS' -We
sell and do keep a good quality of
SUGARS, COFFEES & SYRUPS
And everything under the head of
GROCERIES !
Machine needles and nil for all makes of
Machines.
To be conrlnced that ourgoods are
CHEAP AS THE CHEAPEST,
IS TO CALL AND EXAMINE STOCK.
No trouble to show goods.
Don't forget the
CENTRAL STORE,
Newport, Perry County, Pa.
PURE
TINTED GLOSS
PAINT !
make experiments on rour btilldineswlih untried
aud unreliable amides at your tipme.
DON'T PAY
for water and benzine J1.J0 to S2.t0 per gallon.
do iiirv-
the Lucas reliable and guaranteed Tinted Gloss
Circulars and Sample Cards of Paint mailed on
application.
JOHN LUCAS & CO.,
Ill North Third Street,
13 6in Philadelphia. Ta.
11 f I YmirwlvM! lr makiuir mnney when troldfn
HH achttut:e i oifem!, thereby )wa,s kriti.ir
vnr from your d'r. Thi win, l
like Kamir of tiiwvxl than-? for niaklu uionry
tlidt are ortrrvil. tfti.raily bJi'..it:e weaithy, ui!e Ihoae
wtio do n,t improve nu,-h chauc r-n.:mi Id i.vry .
Meviitlminy iuru.w,tuMt. U and ir:a to ork fwr
na rwhl iu tueir owu lx3mim. The bu:nte wul y
nmre thau ten lime ordinary va.-a. We fuxiuah an
cMnidvenutAt aud all that you free. No one
who eti-'atfr tulle to UlaWt lut:iey verv nvully. V.-n
cau dev.ite y,wir r. u;-e time to th? wrk or ouiy y.Mir
airo moment. Cult lif. i-miu,'i md ail that lanenleVl
cut free. Addreaa tTlNijN CO , l orliaud, Kalu
iy:
I7S3TATE NOTICE. Notice is hereby gtren.
U that letter of a.lintnUIration ou the estate
of hev. H.8. It fbitioiid lale of Torouej township,
1'erryCottotY. l"a.,deead. have, been granted
to the undersigned. 1'- U. Addres Lanauburg.
l'erry Couuiy. F-
All pereont indebted to aaid entire are request
ed to make Immediate payment and those having
claim will present thetu duly authenticated for
settlement to
ALBS KT E. RICHMOND.
Chs. H. Bmilit, Att'j. Administrator
Way 10. 11.