TllK TIMES NKW ULOOMFIKL1), PA., MAY 31, 1861.
element of comedy. The I'.lnliop and
tbe Bishop's eltluHt ami second sons, and
Dill Durgan lipgnn to think tlie world
gone mud, when, with one htlplesH
j ell, the Mnjor flung himself Into an
arm chair, and laughed until he fell out
of It
" Hal lia 1 ha 1" came faintly from
the drawing room through closed doors.
"Hal ha! lial" screamed Jack, as
he writhed upon the floor.
"Hal ha ! ha I" roared the Major, In
a voice w hich startled a passing wagon
er upon the high road, llfty yards dis
tant. It Is a fact worth chronicling that the
Bishop and his sons and Hill Durgan
are all a little more puzzled at this time
tunn they were nt the moment when
the amazing scene JiiBt described was
before their eyes. They are all persuad
ed now that there was something at tlie
bottom of It.
Vivian kept the secret loyally. Of course
Julia knew it, but she kept it. Bhamus
Murphy aud his wife, knew it, and did
uot keep it ; but between their custom
ers aud tlie episcopal palace there was a
great gulf fixed, and the story uever
passed over it.
The Major was doubly Eerlous after
his laughter, and begged leave to retire.
The Bishop accorded the permission
somewhat stlflly. In the morning tlie
Major's portmanteau bad arrived, and
be was dressing to depart, when Jack
entered bis room.
" Ye're uot going, Major V" said the
youngster, brimming with impudent de
light.' " Yes," said the Major sadly; "the
ruse was a failure."
"Was it?" demanded Jack, holding
up a letter.
The Major dashed at it tore it open,
and read:
Miss Blake presents her slncerest apol
ogies to Mr. Cleoghaghan for her con
duct of last evening. Will lie aflord
her an opportunity of making her apol
ogies personally."
Only last month Mrs. Geoghaghan, of
Ballykillrowdy Castle, beiug la the act
of comforting a young lady whose love
affairs were a little Involved, made this
remarkable statement :
"I've no patience with the people
that let their lovers run away from them
in novels, when a sensible word would
set the matter right, at once. And I
don't mind telling you, Lucy, my dear,
that I met Theophilus half-way."
I remember that the Major's Christian
name was Theophilus, aud putting this
fact with the rest, I think we may con
clude that the Major married Miss
Blake.
A Clever Dodge.
" TJUItRY up there
and get your
JL JL tickets, gentlemen,"
shouted a
man in a blue coat and brass buttons,
with the company's badge on his breast.
There was a general scramble for the
head of the line, and a hurried falling
back to the less eligible places by those
who failed to secure the first.
I never had any good luck In gaining
a good place in a crowd. A tall man,
with a high hat, always would go be
tween me" and whatever sight was to be
seen. If it rained at the circus, the
inevitable fat woman with the green
umbrella, always bounded my horizon.
Iu the rush to hear a popular preacher I
nave ueeu iouunate enougu to secure a
camp stool at tlie far end of the room,
but most commonly have had to put up
with "standing room" in the third or
fourth rank, catchiug here aud there a
word of the discourse, but not a glimmer
-of the sense.
This time I fared as usual. Elbowed
out at every attempt to gain a lodgment,
I found myself at last at the extreme
end of the queue.
V Hurry up, I say I" kept shouting he
in blue and brass.
But in spite of all, the line shortened
slowly. I was getting nervous. The
next day was ' Thanksgiving, which
had promised to spend at Deacon Patch
iu's, between whose daughter PolJyand
myself certain negotiations were then
lu active progress. .To miss the train
involved the choice of either giving up
my visit or waiting several hours and
arriving just iu time to find Polly In
the pouts aud taking a longing look at
the cold remains of that special turkey
of whose growth in fatness Polly's post
scripts had kept me from time to time
advised.
" Hurry up I less than a minute till
the gate closes I" admonishes the blue
and brazen official, as at last I reached
the ticket window.
" Ticket to Hugginsport," I said hur
riedly. "Two dollars 1" replied the ticket
man, slapping dowu his stamp on a
piece of cardboard with the heel of bis
hand.
'I've lost my pocketbook," I ex
claimed, withdrawing the hand sent la
search of It. Here was a fix 1 I bad
started with a liberal supply of the one
thing needful for Thanksgiving at least
so far as material pleasures go and here
I was without a penny to pay my fare,
aud not half a minute of spare time.
I looked around helplessly.
" I perceive your embarrassment, sir,"
said a grave looking gentleman, whose
white choker and long skirted coat left
no doubt of his calling. "I perceive
your embarrassment, sir, and shall be
happy to relieve you of It. (let your
ticket out of this, you can hand me the
change and remit the rest."
As lie spoke he placed a twenty dollar
bill In my hand.
" But, my dear Blr," I began.
" Pray don't waste any time in com
pliments. My name Is Itev. Hpeedwell
Sprue, of Chapellou, to which address
you can remit tlie trilling sum advanced.
I ask no better guarantee than your
countenance."
I accept your favor," I replied,
"with the warmest thanks. My name
Is Hodiali Trlmbley, white goods clerk
with Twist & Bobbin, of this city."
" Come, sir, do you wish the ticket or
not V" demanded the man nt the win
dow, with his thumb on the spring that
held 'up the bllde.
I threw down tlie bill. He hastily
counted out the change and handed me
It and the ticket. The former I passed to
the obliging stranger, whose hand I
had barely time to press in parting, as
I left him waiting, for another train.
The gateman was In the act of closing
the passage and tlie last bell was ringing
as I hurried through aud jumped aboard
with views of humau nature considera
bly elevated by the trusting coulldence
shown by tbe Itev. Speedwell Bprue
though I doubted whether it would do
to-sell white goods ou the same credit
system.
From Mr. Bprue aud his childlike
faith my thoughts gradually returned to
Polly Patchln, aud I had already laid
the ground plans of several fairy cottages
iu which with love and Polly to lend
their charms, I could laugli at the
proudest prince in his palace.
" Dickervlllel" sang out the conduc
tor, as the whistle blew aud the train
slowed up at the first stopping place.
iwo men witu lanterns it was a
night train came bustling through the
car scanning the passengers closely.
jiai mis 100K8 line mm," said one
of them holding his lantern to my
face.
"l-ills the bill exactly," cried the
other glancing from me to a paper In
his baud.
"Come sir," he continued placing a
hand roughly on my shoulder. " If I
am not mistaken it was you who bought
the last ticket for this train.''
"it was," i answered, looking up
astonished.
"And paid for it with a twenty dollar
bill," he added, "receiving the change."
i acKuowieugeu tlie tact but with no
abatement of surprise.
iiiac inn,-- ne proceeded, "was a
counterfeit, and we've Been telegraphed
to arrest you."
T 1 .1 ...
x enueavoreu to expostulate, and ex
plained as well as my confusion would
permit, the circumstances under which
I hud got the note.
"A likely story I" was the sneering
comment, " there's so many good Mr.
Sprues you see, going about lending
money to total strangers. What did you
do with the change now r"
" Handed it back to Mr. Sprue,"
answered.
"A clever dodge," said one of the
men, as the two exchanged wiuks.
" Come along 1" they commanded and
without ceremony I was hustled from
the train, dragged to a neighboring cal
aboose and locked up.
Next morning I was taken before
joliy-looklng magistrate whose face was
a guarantee that I (should at least have a
fair hearing.
" Well, young man, what have you to
say to this ?" lie began.
I was proceeding with my story earn
estiy, when to my great joy who should
enter but my kind friend, the Rev. Mr,
Speedwell Sprue, la company with
stranger of a very different appearance,
on, jur. bprue, now glad I am to
see you 1" I exclaimed. "A word from
you will clear up this unfortunate
affair."
To my great chagrin Mr. Sprue, in
stead of promptly answering my appeal,
turned aside aud quite iguored my
presence. But his companion promptly
stepped forward.
" Do you recognize this 1"' he asked,
placing In my hand an article taken
from his pocket.
" I dol" I cried; "it's my own pocket
book." " Of which you were robbed by that
person," he replied, pointing to the
reverend Sprue, "whose real name Is
Ahab Dawks, a noted thief and forger,
whom I've been for some time looking
for. I witnessed his performance at the
depot last night, and saw how, after
stealing your pocketbook, be made you
thenstrument of putting od'a bad note
that he might pocket the change.
Though I'm a detective, I didn't inter
fere, wishing to follow Dawks to the
deu In which he works and keeps his
tools, and knowing the worst that could
happen would be your temporary de
tention. This morning I hurried on,
with the double purpose of securing
vour release and your Identification of
Mr. Dawks."
I was too late to see the turkey iu his
glory, but Polly bless her t had saved
me up a nice piece, and the story of
my adventure was tlie event of that
Thanksgiving night. Everybody laugh
ed hut Polly, w ho nglu bless her !
was quite indignant at the wrongs 1 had
suffered.
A Comical Incident of the War as told by
lieneral lionlon.
pKX. GORDON said to me: "Johnny
VJI I hope never to go through such n
war as that iigaln. I don't believe I
could stand It now, but then we don't
know. Some scenes arlne on my mind
as if they never could have happened.
I often think of Bpottsylvania, where I
have seen my men standing on the dead
bodies of their comrades, loading and
firing, utterly indifferent to tlie death
below them, the death lu front of them
and the death everywhere. The dead
bodies were lying down outside the
works, in tlie ditch, which was half
filled with water, and there, soaking In
tbe rain, tbe dead men lay, and their
friends were using their bodies to get a
little elevation to put in that terrific-
work. Yet," said the general, "there
were some right funny scenes in that
war. Did I ever tell you about the man
coming In only to look at my camp ?
" We were on the Rapldan river,
where it was a little stream, hardly one
hundred feet wide. Gen. Lee sent me
word that I must go out and break up
the communication between our pickets
and tlie enemy's. They had got to
truding with each other in newspapers,
tobacco, lies, and whatever would vary
the monotony of picket life. They
would not shoot at each other, and so it
was not military like. Bo I started out
one morning on my horse and rode the
whole length of the picket line, and just
as I came to a certain point I saw that
there was confusion and surprise, as if I
had not been expected.
" 1 What is the matter, meu, hereV I
asked.
" Nothing, general, nothing is here.
"'You must tell me the truth,' said
I ; ' I am not welcome, I see, and there
must bo some reason for it. Now, what
is the matter '
" There has beeu nobody here, gen-
eral. We were not expecting you ; that
is all.'
I turned to two or three of the soldiers
and said, ' Beat down these bushes here.'
They had to obey, and there suddenly
rose up out of the weeds, a man as stark
naked as he had come into the world
' Who are you V asked I.
" ' I am from over yonder, general.'
" ' Over yonder where ?'
He pointed to tbe other side of the
liver.
" ' What regiment do you belong to i"
" 1 The lOPth Pennsylvania, general.'
" ' What are you doing in my camp"
" ' Why, I thought I would just come
over and see the boys.' '
" ' See the boya what boys ' Do you
mean to say you have entered my camp
except as a prisoner 'i Now, I am going
to do this with you. I am going to
have you marched to Llbby prison just
as you are, without a rag of clothe on
you I'
"'Why, general, you wouldn't do
that, just because I came over to see the
boys! I didn't mean any harm. I felt
lonesome over there, and wanted to talk
to the boys a little. That is all!'
" 'Never mind, sir ; you march from
this spot, clothed' as you are, to Llbby
prison.'
"'General,' said the man, 'I had
rather you would order me to be shot
right here.'
"'No, sir; you go to Llbby!'
" Then several of my soldiers spoke
up:
" ' General, don't be too hard ou him,
he's a pretty good fellow. He didn't
mean any harm; he just wanted to talk
with us."
tt I TMitci 1 niut iioqu iyi ii at I to lr-lf an nr.
said I,' 'mixing up on the picket line.'
" It had not been in my heart, how
ever, to arrest the man from the. begin
ning. I only wanted to scare him, and
he did beg hard.
'"I'll tell you what I will do with
you mis time,' for 1 saw that he was a
brave, good-humored fellow. 'If you
promise me that neither you nor any of
your men shall ever come into my lines
again except as prisoners, I'll let you
go.'
" God bless you, general !' said the
man, and without any more adieu, be
just leaped into that stream and came
up on the other side, and took to the
woods."
General Gordon said, referring to the
relative bravery of Southern and North
ern soldiers, that he had seen as perfect
instances or cool and desperate pluck
among the soldiers in Blue as oinonir
tlie soldiers of his own.
Hints to iho Girls.
Don't love too many at once.
Don't do your spooning In public
Give your little brother taffy and get
hint to bed before your chap calls.
Recollect that a wedding ring on your
finger is worth a good many of tberu In
your mind.
Try to find out by some means wheth
er your intended knows now to earn a
decent living for two.
Be reasonable; don't expect a man
working for ?1 a week to furnish you
with reserved seat9 at the opera every
other night.
Don't be afraid to show the man of
your choice that you love him provid
ed or course, lie loves you. iiove is a
double-sided sort of concern, and both
have a part to play.
Don't try to bring too many suitors to
your reet. J ney nave feet os well as
you have, and you may see one pair of
feet walking off from you some day you
would be very glad to call back.
Keep your temper, if you expect your
other-half-ln-law to keep his. If he
doesn't suit you give him ticket-of-leave.
If be does suit you don't expect him Ito
put up with your humors.
Deal carefully with bashful lovers :
lead them gradually to the point (of
proposal, of course), but don't let them
suspect what you are at, or they might
faint on you hands, or go crazy ou the
spot.
II is said lovers' quarrels always end
with kisses. This is partly true; but If
you nre not careful those little spats you
indulge in may end in the kisses you
covet being given to some other girl.
If it is possible, try to suit your sisters,
cousins, aunts, grandfathers, neighbors,
friends and acquaintances when you
happen to fall In love. If you can't suit
them all, don't worry, for tbe thing has.
never been done yet.
If you use powder, don't give yourself
away. I or instance, it would be well to
spread a handkerchief over the shoulder
of his broadcloth before you lean there
on. He will be too green, depend on it,
to suspect the reason. If his mustache
happens to look a little powdery, there
are several ways in which it could be
brushed off.
Don't imagine that ahusband can live
as a lover does on kisses and moon
light. He will come home to his meals
hungry as a bear, and any little knowl
edge of cookery you can pick up during
courtship is about the best provision
you can make for future happiness.
Remember that nature has put every
man uuder the necessity of having a
mother, and that the latter is not in
any way to blame if she is regarded as
the bitter part of a sugar-coated matri
monial pill. Ifyoufeelin duty bound
to be her sworn enemy postpone this
duty till you know something about
her.
Don't seek advice la love affairs from
an old maid who has been crossed iu
love, a bachelor who has been jilted, a
woman who married her husband's
pocketbook, or a man who happens to
be henpecked. Don't con tide in your
girl friends; to keep a secret in a love
affair would kill them. Don't consult
your minister ; he'll have the marriage
fee in view. If you go to your family
physician he will say your liver is affect
ed in place of your heart. If you must
get Instructions from somebody why
not ask your mother- how she used to
manage things with your father V True
love didn't run any smoother in old
times than it does to-day, and, since she
knows how it is herself, we can't think
lust now of any better way to advise
you.
3"As the shadow follows the body in
the splendor of the fairest sunlight, so
will the wrong done to another pursue
the soul In prosperity.
How to Save.
All men and women who work bard
with mind or body are subject to peri
odical attacks of biliousness, which may
end in disordered kidneys or liver and
dancerous illness. A 50 ct. or $1.00 bot
tle of Parker's Ginger Tonic will keep
these organs active, and ivy preventing
tlie attack save you mucu sic-Kness, loss
of time and great expense. Many fam
ilies are kem iu perfect health by using
the Tonic when spring or mu sicaness
threatens. Delay at such times means
dancer. Detroit 1'resa. See other col
umn.
Is it Possible
that a reined v made or such common.
Bluiiile nlautg as Hops, Buebu. Mu-
drikke. Dandelion. &e.. make so many
aud such marvelous and wonderful cures
as Hop Bitters do V It must be, for
when old and vounir. rich and poor.
Pastor and Doctor. Lawyer and Editor,
all testify to bavlug been cured by them,
we must believe and doubt no longer.
Bee other column. iW. -1-t
funis
0
mm
. s
THE GREAT
mm
POU
RKEUESftTISfSa,
Neuralgia, Sciatica, Lumbago,
Backache, Soronoss of the Chest, Gout,
Quinsy, Sore Throat, Swellings and
Sprains, Burns and Scalds,
General Bodily Pains,
Tooth, Ear end Headache, frostod Feet
and Ears, and all other Pains
and Aches.
No Prerinrof! on ci rth onttala Pt. J omvi On. iu
S tttf'r.aurv, itlmpli and rhrap Exterfml kelne.dy.
A trmf entiiiM hut the rompnrutivi;!' UifiiiiK outliiy
of 50 OnlN, an'l evory i-ne Hifl'erint? v.ith fmia.
can have cheap and partitive proof of lis cluiniu.
Directions In Eleven 1-aninmge.
BOLD BY ALL DHT7GGI8TS AHD DIALEBS IH
MEDIOKS.
A.VOGHLXR & CO.,
Tlnltlmnrr, Trld., V. 8. A.
May 3. 1RSI ly
JOSSER & ALLEN
CENTRAL STORE
NEWPORT, PENN'A.
Now orier the public
A HAKK AND ELKCiA.NT A8SOKTMENT O'F
DRESS GOODS
Consisting ot all shades suitable for the seasoD.
BLACK ALP AC CAS
AND
Mourning Goods
A SPECIALITY.
BLEACHED AND UNBLEACHED
MUSLINS,
AT VAltlOfS IT.ICE8.
AN KSDI.ms SELECTION OF PRINTS'
We sell and do keep a good quality of
SUGARS, COFFEES & SYRUPS
Aud everything under the head of
GROCERIES !
Machine Needles a: d nil for all makes ol
Machines.
To be convinced that our goods are
CHEAP AS THE CHEAPEST,
IS TO CALL AND EXAMINE STOCK.
No trouble to show goods.
Don't lorget the
CENTRAL STORE,
Newport, Perry County, Pa.
Ihetl'arestaiitlliKt Medicine erer Made.
mWnatlnn of Hops, Buchu Man
a aoa Dandelion, wl-u ui sue gcsc un
tiMiert Blood Purifier, Liver
tor, nd 1-" ft HmOUi hwrtunng
Agent oulU"""'!
NO dlKMB 0U POBM&IT I"" X WDCTw Hop
Bitten n nsVedo varwd aud iwrfeel m lUir
ooarmiionaj
Tier f.vt mdUV 1 V.3t U O igtl ui ialra.
quire an ApprtUorVl""1 "d 8&o!an,
Hud BitUre an utm """ -
loatinK
No mactr what your fefn or Traptoma
are what Um OiMue or una to ooo Hop fcit-
lm Don't wait until yoo mcK ' T
only foal bad or miierattlo,"MeUln at one.
ltmyayoorlir.ltaail,ad handrada.
(SOOwillbepaldforaaalM they win t
aureorhalp. Do not iiirrorltTOtlrf Honda
tuff or,trat oaa and nnre ut wan Hop B
Remember, nop Bittara la noV v drunred
drankan nostrum, but tba Pareataa a d Umt
Medicine evar mado i tbe "UVlUDSav naai
and HOrr and no penon or family
anoold be without them.
D. I.C. to an absolute and lrrasintlWe e
nervntira All auld by druinrwta. 8e
for Circular. Ben mu ni. Ca,
F.-htr T ana tutwt-v .
21 4t
pi Yourselvra bv making money when a trrjlden
M I fca'bit:- la iineivd, tti-reby aiwaja k"-wntc
IIImIbI iM.vertr iroin your d.M.r. Thoee wbo alwaye
take attvant::ve of the irood chauree for makiu muy
that are onVml. veuHratiy bv-oome wealthy, while thoKe
who ao not improve m-u chance remain in (.ovt-riy.
We want maitv meii.women. bov and tnrm to work for
ne rhrlit iu their own l.-aiitiea. The bulue will pay
more tliau ten lime ordinary wareiif He furnirth iu
eieuiive outfit auda'.l that you ueetl, free. No nue
wboenTurea fail lo make money very rapidly. Yon
cau devote your wboie time to the work, or only your
apare moment. Full 1nfornatiou and all that ie needed,
aeutfree. Addreaa sTlNao.N CO, tortuuid. Mama
iy.
Canvavtert In every
county In this State to
take orders for Nursery
Stock. Sreadv and d
airalile Employment at
tiofld Waurs. Expert.
-auma In Ih. kii.lttA nnl
required. Nurseries
wldelv and favnranlv known. 'r terms address
C. I. VAN UI'HKN.tieueva. N. Y.
Van lWn Nunutrlets eslaulithed 1S39. Also
Stock at Wholesale. 16BUi
ihU B.
ffsmtnn
II UlltUU