THE TIMES, NEW BLOOM FIELD, PA.', DECEMBER?, 1880.
RAILROADS. .
PHILADELPHIA AND READING R.R.
ARRANGEMENT OF FAB8ENGER TRAINS
NOVEMIIER 15th, 1880.
Trains Leave Harrlaburg ai Follows :
For New York via Alleutown, at $.08 i.
aud 1,1ft p. m. . , .
Kor New York via Philadelphia and "Bound
Brook Route," 6.M, B.ltt a. m. and 1.4ft p. m.
Kor Philadelphia, at U.l0, 8.06, (through car),
9.?,0a. m l.lft and 4.ou p. m. , .. .
For KeadlnK.at6.U0, 8.08, .60a. m., 1.15,1.00,
"vU'pI.fr.'ri'iio lit a no ft ox. 9.80 a.m. and 1.00
&
. m., and via Hchuylklll and Susquehanna
ranch at 4.10 p. m. Kor Auburn, at 0.30 a. m.
For Allentown, aio.uu, w, ."..,
'"The "s.'os a. m. and 1.15 p. m. train' hate
through oars for New York, via Allentown.
SUNDAYS i
For Allentown and Way Stations, at 8.00 a. m.
Kor Reading, rhlldelaplUa, and Way Stations,
at 1.15 p. m.
Trains Leare Tor Harrisburg as Follows i
T,eave NewYork via Allentown, 8.45 a. m . 1.00
and 5.80 p. III.
Leave New York via "Bound Brook Route." and
Philadelphia at 7. IS a.m.. 1.30 and 5 80 p. in., ar
riving at HarrisDuvg, 1.60, 8.20 p. m., and
12Leav'emi'lill .delplila, at 9.15 a. m., 1.00 and
7.1ft p. in.
Iave Fottsvllle, 7.00. 9,10 a. m. and 1.10 p. m.
Leave Reading, at 1.60, 8.00,11.60 a. m., 1.3i',Uo,
and 10.3ft p. in.
Leave Pottsvlile viaSchuylklll and Susquehanna
Branch, 8.3n a. in.
Leave Allentown, at 6.25, 9.00 a. m., 12.10, 1.50,
and 9.05 p. m.
SUNDAYS:
Leave New York, at 5 30 p. m.
Leave Philadelphia, at 7.1ft p. in.
Leave Reading, at 8.00 a. m. and 10.3ft p. m.
Leave Allentown. at 9.05 p. m.
BALDWIN MUNCH.
Lave H ARRT8BCRC1 for Paxton, Lochleland
Stoelton daily, except Sunday, at 6.2ft. 6.10, 9.35
a. m., and 2.00 p. m. i dally, except Saturday and
Sunday, at 5.15 p. in., and on Saturday only, l.lft,
6.10, 9.30 p. m.
Returning, leave 8TEELTON dally, except
Sunday, at 6.10,7.00, 10.00a. m. ,2.20p. in.) dally,
except Saturday and Sunday, 6.10 p. m., and on
Saturday only 6.10, 6.30, 9.&0 p. ni.
J. E. WOOTTEN, Gen. Manager.
C.O.Hancock, General Passenger and Ticket
Agent.
JHE MANSION HOUSE,
New Bloomfleld, Penu'a.,
GEO. F. EN8MINGER, Proprietor.
HAVING leased this property and furnished It
la a comfortable manner, I ask a share ol the
public patronage, and assure my friends who stop
with me that every exertion will be made to
render their stay pleasant.
0W A careful hostler always In attendance.
April 9, 1878. tf
RATIONAL HOTEL.
CORTLANDT 8TEET,
(Near Broadway,)
nsrEW toek:.
HOCHKISS & POND, Proprietors
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N
OTICKI
Jn the Court of Common Pleat of Ferry County,
Xo. 7 August Term, 1880.
Harkikt Patterson, by her next friend, Allen
Savtar vs. R. M. Pattkbsgis.
to R. M. Pattehson, Respondent.
Sir: Please take notice that the Court lias
granted a rule on you to show cause why a di
vorce a vinculo matrimonii should not be decrees
in favor of the libellant In the above case. Re
turnable on first Monday of January next.
Personal service upon you having failed on
aocouut of your absence.
Nov.l6,1880.pd (Jumkin, Att'y.
DPC A NO 30 to $1,000; 2 tq 32 Stops. Pianos,
UnUHllO ji2ft. Paper free. Address
18dltJ DANIEL F. BEATTY, Washington, N. J.
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A Question About Cows.
A COUPLE of Third Ward citizens
met each other on the sidewalk
last Monday morning as they were start
ing for their places of business, and one
of them a man who resides on Van
Buren street, asked the other, a Jackson
street man, if cows had any front teeth
on their upper jaw. The Jackson street
man was a little as ton lulled at the ques
tion, as there had been nothing said
about cows, but he replied promptly.
"Why, of course they have front
teeth on their upper Jaw; how could
they bite off grass If they hadn't 1"'
The Van Buren street man said it was
not a question of logic, but a question of
fact ; and if the Jackson street man did
not know whether cows had front teeth
on the upper jaw or not, he ought to
say so.
" I did not ask you for your opinion,"
he said, " I asked you if you knew."
The Jackson street man was a Utile
nettled at this and replied with some
warmth. He said if he had a child
three years old who would ask such a
question as that he should be afraid the
child was an idiot.
"You would?"
" I certainly should."
" Then," said the Van Buren street
man as it Is such a simple question, of
course you can tell me whether cows
have front teeth on their upper jaw or
whether they have not."
" Why of course they have."
" They have, eh V"
" Yes."
" I'll bet you $10 they havn't," said
the Van Buren street citizen, pulling
out a roll of bills, and peeling off a
couple of fives and Bhaking them at his
neighbor. " Put up or shut up."
" There is some infernal catch about
this thing," said the other, suspiciously;
" I might have known It, too, the min
ute you asked me such an infernally idi
otic question."
" No catch at all about it," replied
he other, " if cows have got front teeth
on their upper jawa the f 10 is yours.
If they bave not, the money is mine.
Nothing could be fairer than that, could
there 1"'
But still the Jackson street man hesi
tated. It was barely possibly that cows
did not bave any front teeth on their
upper jawB. He remembered then, that
cows in biting off grass always threw
their noseB outward.while horses nipped
it off by jerking their nose Inward. He
was astonished at how near he had
come to being victimized, but he didn't
like to come down. The two were then
near the meat market at the - corner of
Jackson and Michigan streets, and the
Jackson street man was sure that a
butcher would know for certain whether
or not cows had front teeth on their up
per jaws ; so he pushed open the door
and said to the proprietor :
" Linehan, have cows got front teeth
on their upper jaw V"
Linehan was running a skewer
through a roast of beef, but he stopped
looked up in astonishment, and said,
" WhatV"
" Have cows gtt front teeth ou their
upper jaws f"
"Cows?"
" Yes."
" Got any frout teeth on their upper
jaws V"
" Yes."
"Upon my word I don't know."
"You don't know?"
" No. You see I buy my beef by the
quarter at the slaughter house,and don't
have anything to do with the heads.
But I can find out for you when I go
over."
" I wish you would.
' Bo the Jackson street man closed the
door, and rejoined his neighbor and the
two walked along without saying a
word. A milk wagon was seen coming
up the street and it was resolved to hail
the driver and ask him the question, as
it was popularly supposed that milkmen
are more or less familiar with cows.
The Van Buren street citizen cleared his
throat and yelled :
" Hello 1"
The milkman reined up and said :
" Go ahead with your tests. If you
find any water or chalk in that milk I'll
give you the whole of it."
The citizens told him to be calm, as
they had no intention of testing his
milk, but only wanted to know it cows
bad front teeth on their upper jaw.
The milkman looked at them about a
minute, and then whipped up bis horse
and drove off, mentioning some kind of
fools that tbey were. Up on Wisconsin
street tbey saw auother milkman de
livering milk, and overtaking him tbey
explained the dispute. He smiled pity
ingly upon their ignorance, and said :
" Of course cows have front teeth on
their upper jaws a driveling idlotought
to know that much. A cow would be a
handsome looking object without any
front teeth on her upper jaw wouldn't
nhet"
" I've concluded to take that bet of
yours," said the Jackson street man to
the other. "Come now down with
your dust. Pnt up or Bhut up."
"Why didn't you dolt then, when
you had a chance V I never claimed to
know whether a cow had front teeth on
her upper Jaw or not ; I only thought I
had read so somewhere, and I aBked to
see if you knew about it for certain.
But now as the thing is settled, and
there is no question about it, there is
nothing to bet on as I can see."
" O, of course not," said the Jackson
street man, sarcastically, " of course
not."
Just then Mr. Clark of the Newhall
House, happened to come along, and as
the milkman picked up his lines and
drove off, the Van Buren Btreet man
asked Mr. Clark if he knew anything
about cows.
Mr.Clark said he did, having formerly
been a farmer and a cattle buyer.
" Well," said the Van Buren street
man," do you know I got the queerest
idea in my head this morning, about
cows, that a man ever had. (Somehow
or other I got an idea that cows had no
front teeth on their upper Jaw ; and I
actually offered to bet ten dollars with
this man that such was the case. I don't
see what possessed me."
" Well if you had bet you Would have
won the money," said Mr. Clark.
" What !" exclaimed both the citizens
together.
" I say if you had bet you would have
won the money, for cows have no front
teeth on their upper jaws."
" Bweet spirit hear my prayer," said
the Van Buren street citizen, as he
brought out his roll, and peeled of his
two fives again and shook them at the
Jackson street man, who turned away
with a sickly smile, and said be could
not always be pulling out his money.
Ignorance seems to be Btalklng
through the land like a Kansas grass
hopper on stilts.
A BOSTON GIRL TELLS IT.
A FEW days ago, a Boston girl who
had been attending the School of
Philosophy at Concord, arrived in
Brooklyn on a visit to a seminary chum,
After canvassing thoroughly the fun
and gum drops that made up their edu
cation iu the seat of learning at which
their early scholastic efforts were made,
the Brooklyn girl began to inquire into
the Concord entertainment.
"AndBoyou are taking lessons iu
philosophy. How do you like it ?
" Oh, it's perfectly lovely. It's about
science you know, and we all just dote
on science."
" It must be nice. What is it about V"
" It's about molecules as much as any
thing else, and molecules are just too
awfully nice for anything. If there's
anything I really can enjoy its molecul
es."
" Tell me about them my dear. What
are molecules V"
" Oh, molecules I They are little wee
things, and it takes ever so many of
them. They are splendid things I Do
you know there ain't anything but
what's got molecules in it. And Mr.
Cook Is just as sweet as he can be, and
Mr. Emerson, too. They explain every
thing so beautifully."
" How I'd like to go there," said the
Brooklyn girl enviously.
" You'd enjoy it ever so much. They
teach protoplasm, too ; and, if there is
one thing perfectly heavenly it's pro
toplasm. I really don't know which I
like best, protoplasm or molecules."
" Tell me about protoplasm. I know
I should adore it.
" Deed you would. It's just too sweet
to live. You know it's about how
things get started, or something of that
kind. You ought to bear Mr. Emerson
tell about it. It would stir your . very
soul. The first time he explained about
protoplasm there wasn't a dry eye in
the house. We named our hats after
him. This is an Emerson bat. You
see tbe ribbon Is drawn over the crown
and caught with a buckle and a bunch
of flowers. Then you turn up the side
with a spray of forget-me-not. Ain't
it just too sweet ? All the girls in the
Bchool have them."
" How exquisitely lovely ! . Tell i
some more science."
" Oh, I almost forgot about differentia
tion. I am positively in love with dif
ferentiation. It's different from mole
cules or protoplasm but it's every bit as
nice. And Mr. Cook, you should bear
him go on about it V I really believe be
is perfectly bound up in it. This scarf
is tbe Cook scarf. All the girls wear
them and we named them after him
just on account of the interest be takes
in differentiation."
" What is It, any way V"
" This is mull trimmed with Langue-
doo lace"
I don't mean that that other."
" Oh I differentiation V ain't It sweet
it's got something to do with spices. It
is the way you tell one hat from an
other, so you'll know which is becom
ing. And we learn all about ascldians,
too. Tbey are the divinest things 1 I'm
absolutely enraptured with ascldians.
If I only had an ascidlan of my own
wouldn't ask anything else In the
world."
" What do they look like, dear V Did
you ever see one V" asked the Brooklyn
girl deeply interested.
"Oh I no; nobody ever saw one ex
cept Mr. Cook and Mr. Emerson, but
they are something like an oyster with
a reticule hung on Its belt. I think
they are just heavenly,
Do you learn any thing else besides
all these J"
Oh I yes. We learn about common
philosophy and logic, and those com
mon thing like metaphysics but the
girls don't care anything about those.
We are just In ecstacy over differentia
tion and molecules, and Mr. Cook and
protoplasm, and ascldians and Mr.
Emerson, and I really don't see why
they put in those vulgar branches. If
anybody besides Mr. Cook and Mr.
Emerson bad done it we should have
told him to bis face that he was too ter
ribly awfully mean."
And the Brooklyn girl went to bed
that night in tbe dumps because fortune
had not vouchsafed her the advantages
enjoyed by her friend, while the Boston
girl dreamed of seeing an ascidlan
chasing a molecule over a differentiated
back fence with a club, for telling a pro
toplasm that bis youngest Bister had so
many freckles on ber nose that tbey
made her squint eyed.
A Mysterious Speaker.
ASOLEMN-APPEARING stranger,
seated in a travel-stained buggy,
which was drawn by a horse that looked
like Dore's picture of Rozlnante, reined
up in Titusvllle the other evening. The
stranger stood up in his vehicle, glanced
up at the town clock, bowed to tbe
people passing on both sides of the street
and said :
"I come unannounced and unheralded
but at the earnest solicitation of the
state central committee."
A dozen people stopped.
" The times are out of joint ; oh,
cursed spite, that ever I was born to set
it right," remarked the stranger In a
loud voice. " But the state -central
committee insisted so bard that I had to
come down among you."
The crowd was swelling rapidly, and
inquiries passed from lip to lip as to the
speaker's identity.
" I think it's Col. Forney," suggested
a man on one side of the street, while
on the other side rumor was being rap.
idly circulated that it was Stanley
Matthews, of Ohio, who had consented
to come here and look after the oil vote
for Qarfield.
" I come unheralded," said the strange
man. " not simply as a matter or taste,
but as a matter of policy, 1 do not my
self like these immense civic displays,
and in saying this I do not wish to re
flect upon our people for their magnifl.
cent reception of my friend General
Grant. He was an exceptional case."
" I believe it's Garfield himself," said
a man sitting on the curbstone.
" I wouldn't be surprised If it was
Hancock," suggested another, as he
glanced Into a shop window to compare
the stranger's face with a chromo of the
General.
The stranger cast his eyes slowly over
the crowd, and continued :
" The interest which you manifest as.
sures me that you are alive to the great
importance of this campaign."
" Wo don't want traitors to run this
country 1" shouted a man who thought
the speaker was Gen. Garfield.
" Right ; rignt you are, friend," re.
sponded the speaker pleasantly, " This
Is the grandest country the sun ever
shone upon. We want men, honest
men, men of wisdom, integrity and
patriotism to rule this God-given gov.
ernment , then, raising bis eyes to a
ten-cent flag that fluttered from a win
dow-slll, be apostrophized It.
"Flag of the free heart's hope and
home, by angels' hands to valor given,,
thy stars have lit the welkin dome, and
all thy hues were born in heaven."
The eloquent words of tbe speaker
call forth loud cheers from both Demo
crats and Republicans, notwithstanding
the cheapness, in a money point of view
of the particular copy of the flag referred
to.
After the applause had subsided, he
went on :
" As I have said, tbe state central com
mittee" " What central committee V" inquired
a man who was anxious as to the speak
er's politics.
" I am a plain, blunt man, and I will
not have proceeded far until there will
be no occasion to ask, " Under which
klng.bezonian V" The people demand a
change. Cheers from tbe Democrats.
The people of this country have been
swindled lqng enough. Democratic
yells, and cries of Give it to 'em, hot
and heavy 1' Gentlemen, I have known
General Garfield long and well, and he
is one of God's own nobleman. Cheers
from Republicans. As a president, he
would adorn his country. Loud cheers.
I also know General Hancock. I con
sider hi in the very best type of the hand
iwork of our Creator. Tumultuous
cheering by tbe Democrats. But, gen
tlemen, it Is principles, not men, that
we must look after now."
The speaker paused, took some docu
ments from under the buggy-seat, while
the crowd wondered hopefully what
side of the bouse be was on anyway.
" This Is an Important crisis in our
country's history," he began again,
" and historians will so record It. I dare
say you are all sick of politics and poli
ticians." Cries of "We are! we are!
Give us honeBt men 1"
Yes, my friends, give us honest
men 1 That Is the Macedonian cry that
greets me everywhere, and it strikes a
responsive chord here in my heart of
hearts. How many gentlemen are
there In this vast concourse of Intelli
gence, who says Down wtth politics "
A. hundred voices, "Here!" "here!"
"here!"
" Now we understand each other. -
am down on politicians like a pile
driver. I profess to be an honest man,
and I bave that here in this little par
cel," and he held up a small tin box be
tween his thumb and finger, " which I
am too proud to recommend to honest
men of whatever political party. I call
it the Saint's Rest, or tbe Epluribus
Unum Corn and Bunion Eradlcator.
With it I remove the worst chronical
case of corn, bunion, wart, or other ex
crescence that ever defiled the fair form
of man or woman."
How Putnam Kept His Word.
AMONG the officers of the Revolu
tionary army, none possessed more
originality than General Putnam, , who
was very eccentrio and fearless, blunt
in his manners, a daring soldier, - with
out the polish of a gentlemau. He
might well be called the Marion of the
North. At this time a stronghold called
Horseneck, seven miles from New York
was In the hands of the British. Put
nam with a few sturdy patriots, was
lurking in tbe vicinity bent on driving
them from the place. One morning he
made a speech something to the follow
ing effect.
" Fellows you bave been idle too long,
and so have I. I'm going to Bush's at
Horseneck, In an hour, with an ox team
and a bag of corn. If I come back I
will let you know the particulars. If I
Bhould not,let them have it by hookey."
He shortly afterward mounted his ox
cart dressed as one of the commonest
order of Yankee farmers, and soon was
at Bush's tavern, which was in posses
sion of the British troops. No sooner
did the officers espy him than they be
gan to question him as to bis where
abouts, and finding him a complete
simpleton, as they thought, they began
to quiz him and threatened to seize tbe
corn and fodder.
" How much do you ask for your
whole concern V" asked they.
" For mercy's Bake, gentlemen," re
plied the mock clodhopper, .with the
most deplorable look of entreaty ; "only
let me off, and you shall have my bu'l
team and load for nothing, and if that
won't dew, I'll give you my word, I'll
return to-morrow, and pay you heartily
for your kindness and your condescen
sion." " Well," said they, " we'll take you at
your word. Leave the team and pro
vender with us, and we won' t require
bail for your appearance."
Putnam gave up tbe team, and saun
tered about for an hour or so, gaining
all the information be wished. He then
returned to his men and told them of
the foe, and his plan of attack.
The morning came,and with it sallied
out tbe gallant band. The British were
bandied with rough hands ; and when
they surrendered to General Putnam,
the clodhopper sarcastically remarked ;
"Gentlemen, I have kept my word.
I told you I would call and pay you for
your kindness and condescension."
t&" Tbe reason why certain fooliah
men take more pleasure in low and sen
sual pursuits than in the higher pur
suits which afford a serener if less ex-,
citing happiness, is to be found in the
fact that tbey are foolish, just as it is
said that the donkey prefers thistles
to corn, simply because he is a dor-
key.
A Foolish Mistake
Don't make tbe mistake of confound
ing a remedy of acknowledged merit
with the numerous quack medicines that
are now so common. . We speak from
experience when we say tbat Parker's
Ginger Tonic is a sterling health restora
tive and will do all tbat is claimed for it.
We have used it ourselves with the hap
piest results for Rheumatism and when
worn out by overwork. Hee adv. 1-5 4t
V
Maine News.
Hop Bitters, which are advertised in
our columns, are a sure cure for ague,
bllousneHs and kidney complaints.
Those who use them say they cannot be
too highly recommended. Those af
flicted should give them a fair trial, and
will become thereby enthusiastic in the
praise of their curative qualities. lort
land AryH, 49. t