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VOL. XIV.
THE TIMES.
in Independent Family Newspaper,
IS PDBLI9DBD IVBBT TUBSDAT BT
F. MORTIMER & CO.
TEHMH t
INVARIABLY IN ADVANCE.
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Blx Mouths " 80
To Subsorlbers in this County
Who pay In Advance a Discount of 2" Cents will
DBinatie rioni tue aimve tmms, making
subscription wulilu the County,
Whcu l'ald lu Advance, if 1.25 Per Year.
- Advertising rates furnished upo-napnll"-catlou.
Adventures of Jeremy Green.
JEREMY GREEN left the potato
field just a quarter before twelve by
the Bun, ami went in to dinner. Instead
of resorting to the " weed" as a solace
for weariness he devoted his spare time
to the Weekly Narrnlor, the only news
paper he ever took. As he was pouring
over its contents that eventful noon he
all at once leaped about three feet in the
air, and In his descent brought down
his fist with such force, on the table
that he overturned a huge pan of soup
that his mother had prepared for dinner,
besides breaking a few dishes.
"What Is that boy about V fairly
thundered the father.
" He has split the soup, broke the blue
platter, and, dear me, I don't know
whatlse!" replied his mother In a
calm, though vexed tone.
Jejemy's next sensation was that of
an affectionate caress from the lash of
i . i rout- u-
Bit IIJJLUC11HQ liuiotjwiinr. X uib wno tut?
first appeal for goqd behavior he had
received from his pa in four or five
years. For a moment he looked savage
ly at the old gentleman, and tho't of his
own superiority of strength, but soon
quelled his pugllistio desires and sat
down again to the Narrator, or rather
to the advertisement that so elated him.
It was a call for agents. Ten dollars a
day guaranteed, etc. For particulars,
Roy & Co., No. 8, Village avenue, A
N. Y., were to. be consulted. Jeremy
had always been confined to the farm,
and, feeling tired of it, considered this a
chance for him, so he resolved at once
to give it a trial. He planted potatoes
all the afternoon, keeping one or two
rows ahead of his father, and milked the
cows as usual that night, but the next
morning, before daylight, he was on the
way to the city. About npon of the
.same day be entered the village of
. Smytheville, just twenty-five miles
from home, feeling tired, hungry and a
little disturbed in conscience. In this
condition he called at Farmer Smythe's,
where he procured dinner and an invi
tation to remain until the following
morning and rest himself. His father
. and Farmer Smythe once went to school
together; Jeremy now profited by It.
-But we hardly think he would have
tarried, so anxious was he to get to the
t . 1 1.1 C ' I 1 .
vuiy tuut r armor omyme uau
three very pretty girls. Heptallna, the
oldest, was eighteen, just a year younger
than himself, and so fast did their ac
quaintance nropress that ha Iwnma Win
wnppnf AMnl henrlncr hor nam. nn.1
address before they parted. Jeremy
fittWMl It AVRV In lit loff VAot lnnVat
feeling that the donor was, to say the
least, an angel, and that he somehow or
other had taken a leap into paradise.
The remainder of his Journey was
passed in kind of a delightful trance,
from which he did not thoroughly
AvnlrA until Ha fminil titmanlf In trtatw rt
the city. Then his heart gave a great
throb, for was he not soon to know his
destiny ? He never had been to the city
before, aitd the sights were so hew and
bo startling that he was in a tremor of
excitement by the time he reached the
locality indicated in the advertisement.
He found the avenue a dirty one, No. 8,
a dilapidated concern, and the woman at
the door of very haggard appearance ;
but he summoned courage to inquire if a
man was Jiving there who employed
agents. -She replied that there was, and
showed him Into a small, shabbily fur
nished apartment, where an oily,
tongued old fellow informed him that
the article to be canvassed for was a
grease extractor- of the greatest merit ;
he considered it the most marvelous
discovery of theqge, and the rapidity of
ISTI2W BLOOMFIELD, JJA., TUESDAY, MARCH J2, 188Q.
Us sale was unprecedented j agents were
making fortunes. The article was put
up in fiO cent bottles ; lis would be pleas
ed to furnish Jeremy with a few dozen,
appoint territory, etc. lie charged
agents half price, so their profits were
enormous. '
Jeremy told the old gentleman he
would take but a dozen bottles, as he
had not the means for a lurge invest
ment. The territory he would decide
upon before he left. The old gentleman
hinted for Jeremy that it might be as
well for him to begin to canvass hi some
small country place, as he was, well, a
little verdant. Jeremy's temper rose
slightly, but he made no reply, for who
wants to be told he Is "green" even If
he knows he Is f
After hinting this, the old gentleman
left the room to get the bottles in readi
ness for Jeremy. He had no sooner
gone than a girl entered the room by
another door. Coming close to Jeremy,
she whispered, " Are you going to be an
agent for the grease extractor V" Jeremy
replied that he was intending to be.
" Well, now ; if you will never tell the
old man nor woman, I'll tell you where
you can look through a keyhole and see
him prepare it," she said, adding that
he would not think it wrong when he
knew the cheat there was about it.
She then directed him to the door
where he could see the article prepared.
In the first place, the professor, as the
girl sneerlngly called him, took a bar of
common bar soap, immersed it in a pail
of water, shook the pall, and then filled,
corked and sealed the bottle.
" That soap," said the girl, " he buys
in quantities of a Baopmaker and it is
a most excellent soap for washing
clothes ; but will no more remove grease
spots than any other common soap. An
agent never goes with it but once. But
by advertising he makes fools of a good
many, and considerable money out
of it."
" Do you tell everybody that comes
the same you have me V" asked Jeremy.
" No, I don't often get a chance," she
replied; " you see, the old woman just
went out, or I should not have got in
here. I mean to get away from them
pretty soon, as soon as I can get another
place. They both drink and abuse me
shamefully."
Jeremy did not stop to hear more, but
took his hat and rau into the street,
and went at such a pace until he was
out of sight of the house, that a police
niau on the corner had a great notion
to arrest him. on suspicion of some
crime.
He never heard what the professor of
the grease-extractor thought of his con
duct. Dear, good Jeremy ; he felt he
was too honest a fellow to peddle soap
suds at fifty cents a half-pint bottle,
even If his dreams of wealth were all
dispelled In a moment. He, of course,
felt a pang of disappointment, and
resolved to return Lame again, after
making a tour of the city. So he wan
dered up and down the streets, looking
into shop windows and up at the gold
lettered Bigus and placards, till sundown.
Then he entered a bakery, Invested four
cents in biscuits, which he speedily
devoured, and inquired for a place where
he would be apt to get a night's lodging.
A sharpish woman behind the coun
ter advised him to go to the MoctroBe
House, across the way. Proceeding
thither, he stalked into the doorway, as
he imagined a millionaire would, and
asked the clerk, " How much will you
ask to keep me here to-night V" A little,
elickbalred,dandy-looking fellow, whom
Jeremy already had his eyes on as a
pickpocket, or some body of about that
stamp, stood by, saying, "Aw, how
green," eto. Jeremy stood it as long as
he could, until the clerk told him his
lodging would be seventy-five cents;
then, turning upon the dandy a disdain
ful look, offered to lick him for just two
cents. The clerk immediately informed
Jeremy that no fighting was allowed In
the house, but if he wished to Indulge in
that recreation, he might as well go to
the Porter House, just a block away.
Suddenly taking the hint, Jeremy went
as directed. Meeting at the door an
object that he took either for the pro
prietor or a whiskey-barrel, he abruptly
inquired:
" Keep a fellow here to-night who is
ready to fight any city dandy who
dared to insult him V"
"Well, yes; them 'a just the kind.
Here, Jim, show him to room 2(1," was
the reply.
In ten minutes Jeremy was In bed
and asleep. Half an hour later lie was
awake,and bid fair to stay so. An attack
from those venomous insects vulgarly
termed bed-bugs- required lils wakeful
attention. They were apparently so
numerous that, unless Imnty and vigilant
means were resorted to, Jeremy felt that
he must be annihilated. . Thus lie fought
in good earnest. All night long the
siege lusted. The slaughter wns terrible.
The number of them slain amounted to
about 0,070, according to Jeremy's esll
mate. The gory sheets were a sight to
behold.
Musing upon this conquest In the
morning, Jeremy concluded he had well
earned ills night's lodging. f- he dress
himself, crept softly down the stiilrwuy,
whisked out the door, and scampered
down the street without settling his
Mil.
About ten o'clock, as he was saunter
ing up Arlington avenue, a heavy hand
grasped his shoulder, a palrof bund-culls
were on his wrists, and a voice, loud
enougli to arouse the seven sleepers,
exclaimed: " You are my prisoner."
" Prisoners muat bo scarce," replied
Jeremy, "since a simple country lad like
me cannot walk the streets without be
ing arrested."
" Perhaps it Is more of a offense than
you think to leave a hotel without pay
ing your bill," the officer replied,
marching Jeremy along to the lock-up.
After reaching that vile abode, which
appeared to be filled with profane,
drunken wretches, poor Jeremy began
to think his father's potato field was a
more becoming place for him. Hut he
was compelled to remain there until
next day, when he was taken to the
police court. The case was the first on
the docket, and to Jeremy's great relief
Bhortly disposed of. After a little parley
by the lawyers, the prisoner was allow
ed to plead his own case, and the follow
ing was the sum and substance of his
speech :
" Gentlemen, I suppose I committed a
great mistake by not paying my bill at
the Porter House. But when I relate
the suffering I endured that night, and
you realize my hair-breadth escape, you
must admit I am the aggrieved party.
No soldier on ihe battle-field ever fought
for his life as I fought for mine between
the hours of eight in the evening and six
in the morning, utterly annihilating
between nine and ten thousand of the
longest billed, ravenous insects, which
country people innocently call bed-bugB,
that I ever encountered. Oh, it was a
hard night's work. I would rather have
hoed potatoes three days (laughter,) and
I thought I had earned my night's
lodging, and that the proprietor of the
hotel would think I did him a great
favor. Bo I left the house as quietly as
possible, feeling I had done my duty,
hoping the next weary traveler, who
occupied No. 20, would not meet with bo
hearty a reception as fell to me. Gentle
men, the affection those insects have
for mankind is indeed marvelous, and
I find in my case that their demonstra
tions are very exhausting to one's vi
tality." Every one in the court-room was con
vulsed with laugther as the prisoner sat
down, apparently from sheer weariness,
wiping his eyes with bis coat sleeves,
he was released by paying one dollar
and costs, which took the last penny he
had.
, In a few hours he left the city shaking
the dust from bis No. 11 bovine-hide
boots, convinced that the country was
the place for him.' Thefollowlng night
he slept in a barn twelve miles from the
city, suffering much from the cravings
of hunger, and was hotly pursued the
next morning about daylight by the
proprietress of the place, with an uplift
ed broom, and the fiercest imprecations.
She allowed no tramps on her premises
over night, and the next time he came
that way he had better not call. Jeremy
assured her he would not.
We think be would have been quite
disheartened at the continuance of ill
luck only that he was but a few miles
from' farmer Smythe's, a paradise he
hoped to reach, even in his enfeebled
condition, at noon, and he was not dis
appointed In his calculations.
At twelve precisely, that day, he dined
off a luscious dish of ham and eggs, with
the Bmytho family. To them he related
the story of his adventures In the city,
not even omitting the disagreeable
details of his encounter at the Porter
House, incarceration at the lockup, etc.
Heptallna was more affected and in
terpHted in the recital than either of the
others, and wept and laughed alternate
ly, her sympathies all with Jeremy.
" Well, Jeremy, you have found a
good haven at last. I will be glud to
have you with me as long as you
can content yourself, and will pay
you for helping me on the farm, my
work being behindhand."
This Farmey Smytbe said, patting his
young frieud on the shoulder in a very
friendly way.
Jeremy said he would remain a week
or two and then return home, as no
doubt his parents were anxious about
him.
At the end of a month Jeremy started
homeward with his great heart over
flowing with happiness. He and Hep
tallna had made a contract for life. Just
one month from then she would become
his bride.
He was hot long walking the twenty
five miles, and as soon as he was in
sight of the old homestead Ids father
and mother both hastened to meet
htm,. and rain tears of love on his
neck.
Jeremy was reminded of the account
given of the Prodigal Son, still was
aware that their cases varied, as 1)6 bad
not wasted much In riotous living.
Nor was the fatted calf killed, although
the Joy of those parents' heart was great
at his return, for Jeremy had been a
good, obedient boy and was all their
dependence.
He could not gather courage at first,
to tell them of his engagement to
Heptallna, but when he did he was told
by them both that the old house should
be enlarged, and that they would all live
and die in the same place.
Thus Jeremy resumed his labor on the
old farm, never leaving it again to
secure an agency. After haying he
brought home his brido, and all went
" merry as a marriage bell."
DESCENDING THE HUMB0LT MINE.
ENTERING a rough wooden building,
you see a steam-engine turning an
immense drum, around which is colled a
wire rope. On a chair Bits, with each
hand on a lever, the bright, watchful en
gineer, his eyes fixed on the drum, now
nearly covered with the coil. In another
minute, click I the machinery has stop
ped, aud out of an opening in front, like
Harlequin in a Christmas pantomime,
has come a grimy figure, who stands
there smiling at you, with a lamp fixed
on the front of his cap, and his feet on
the rim of a great iron bucket. He steps
off, the bucket is emptied of the load,
not of rich ore, but of very dirty water,
which it has brought up, and there is an
air of expectancy among the workmen,
and an inquiring smile on the face of
Mr. Thornton, the superintendent.
Something is clearly expected of you,
for It is established that you are not
what is called by the miners a " speci
men fiend," or unmitigated sample-collecting
nuisance, and It is assumed that
when you came hither to investigate you
" meant business." You take the hint,
and follow Mr. Thornton to a room,
where, amid a good deal of joking, you
put on some clothes and such clothes I
If you have one spark of personal vani
ty, "all hope abandon, ye who enter
here," for even your kind guide has to
turn away to hide a smile when he sees
you in overalls which will not meet in
front, and are precariously tied with a
ragged string, and ancient flannel shirt,
the sleeves of which hang in tatters
around your wristbands, and a cap which
might have come over in the May
Flower, and has a smoky lamp hooked
into 1U fast decomposing visor. As you
approach the mouth of the shaft, the
engineer genially remarks that there
"ain't much danger," and when the
bucket has come up and been partially
emptied, the by-standers repeatedly ad
vise you to be careful about getting in.
As you climb perilously over the side,
you think of the Frenchman who,
starting in the fox-hunt, cried out:
" Take noteece, mes amis, zat I leaf
everyzlng to my vlfe 1" And when you
are crouched down bo that Mr. Thorn
ton can stand on the rim above, you do
not think at all, but know, that you are
what Mr. Mantalini called "a dem'd
NO. 10.
moist, unplessant body." Mr. Thorn
ton makes a grim remark about It being
as well to have some matches in case the
lamps go out, gives the word, and down
you go. Understand that there 1b Just
about room for the bucket In the shaft,
that the latter is slightly Inclined, and
that you catch and Jar and shake in a.
nervetryliig way; and understand,
further, that a person should carefully
study his temperament and possible dis
abilities bifore lie tukes a contract to go
into a deep shaft.
, At a certain depth it may be COO or
1000 feet (In some Nevada mines It is
2500) you stop at side drifts or cross
cuttings in which men are at work, and
here you see, walled in by rock, the
fissure vein. Borne are " stopping," or
cutting pieces away with the pick, others
striking them tremeradous blows with
sledge-hammers. They are, by-the-way,
in the hubit of accompanying these
blows with guttural sounds, the hearing
of which induced a special correspond
ent of the gentler sex ignoring the fact
that they receive three dollars per diem,
own chronometer watches, and have
fine bank accounts, and silver spoons on
their tables to write a soul-moving de
script ion of the poor down-trodden
miner, imprisoned fur from the light of
the blessed day, uttering terrible groans
as he tolled his life away for the enrich
ment of the bloated and pampered capi
talist. Other men, again, are drilling,
loading, and tamping for the "shots,"
which are to tear the rock in pieces;
and you will probably remember a
pressing engagement to " meet a man"
at some distance from the mine, and In
duce Mr. Thornton to ring for that moist
car, aud take you up before they light
the match. A. A. Hayes, Jft., in Jlar
pcr't Magazine for February.
A Darkey Deseribei a Shell.
ONE day, down in the Peninsula,
after McClellan's battles, a wounded
darkey was brought Into camp. He
bad been shot in the leg with a piece of
shell and was really very badly hurt.
He was a plantation negro and entirely
a non-combatant. After he got better,
he was describing to the doctor one
afternoon how he had been hurt, and
did it in this manner;
" Ye see, Boss, I was on de ole plan
tation when dem Yankee gun-boats dey
cum up de ribber. Ole Massa and Misses
had done gone days afore and we niggers
were lef on de plantation. When we
gee de Yankees a comin' up de ribber
we all run away and hid in de woods.
By-um-by de boats begin to shell de
woods aud Lor a massa what a noise dey
did make. Shells as big as flour barrels
were frowed into de wood and knocked
de trees down. It was awful hot, I tell
you, and I bought de world was
comin' to de end. De niggers prayed,
but it didn't do no good, as de Yankees
only frowed de more shells, and de Lord
seemed deaf to de partitions of de collud
persons. Some of dem shells would go
high up in de air and say, ' Whar is he?
wbar Is he V like as if dey was a lookln'
fo somebody. Den, by-um-by dey would
say, ' I see him, I see him,' and wld dat
would bust and all de little pieces go
skiruilshin' around de woods after de
niggers. It was one of dese little pieces
dat kotch me in de leg, and dat's how
I got hurt. It was a powerful warm
day, Massa, a powerful warm day, I
tell yer."
Hours And Minutes..
Why is one hour divided Into sixty
minutes t and each minute again into
sixty seconds t" Why not divide our
time as we do our money, by tctu, count
lug ten, or fifty, or one hundred min
utes to the hour y The answer Is this:'
We have sixty divisions on the dials
of our clocks and watches, because the
old Greek astronomer, Hipparchus, who
lived in the second century before Christ,
accepted the babylouiun system of reck
oning time, that system being sexigesi
ma). The Babylonians were acquainted
with the decimal system ; but for com
mon aud practical purposes, they count
ed by sotmi and tari, the $osoa, repre
senting sixty, and the tar on, sixty times
sixty, is thlrtg-slx hundred. From Hip
parchus, that mode of reckoning found
its way into the works of Ptolemy,
about 150 A. D., and thence was carried
down the stream of science and civiliza
tion, and found its way to the dial plate
of our clocks and watches.