THE TIMES, NEW BLOOMFIELD, PA., NOVEMBER 25, 1879.
RAILROADS.
PHILADELPHIA AND READING R.R.
AUtANSEMKNTOF PASSENGER TRAIN 8.
OCTOBElTfllh, 1870.
Trains t.onre Hurrlsbtirg an Follows t
For New York via Allentown, at 5.50, 8.03 a. m.
iiihI 1.45 p. in.
For Now York Tla " Bound Brook Route," 8.20,
8S a. m. and 1.45 p. m.
Kor Philadelphia, at 5.20, 80S, 9 56 a. m., 1.45 and
4. Hi p. ni.
Kor Heading, at S.20.B.05, 9.f-8 a. m., 1.45,4.00,and
8.1)0 p. in.
Kor Pottsvllle. at 8.20. m a. m. and 4.00 p. m.,
and Tla tk'lmylklll and (Susquehanna Branch at
2.40 p. in. Kor Auburn, 6.30 a. m.
For Lancaster and Columbia, 6.20, 8.06 a. ni. and
4.00 p. 111.
Kor Allentown, at 8.20, 8 OS, 9.56 a. tn., 1 46 and
4.00 p. m.
The 6.20, 8.06 a. m. and 1.45 p. m. trains have
through cars for New York.
The 5.20 train lias through cars for Philadel
phia. The 5.20. 8.06 a. m. and 1.45 p. in., make close
connection at Reading Willi Main Line trains
having through ears tor New York, via "Bound
Brook Koute."
SUNDAYS i
For New York, at 6.20 a. in.
Kor Allehlown ami Way Stations, at 5.20 a. m.
For Reading, Phildelaphla, and Way Stat ions,
at 1.46 p. in.
Trains Lcutc fur Hurrlsbnrg ns Follow t
Leave New York via Alientown, 8 45 a. in., 1.00
and 5 30 ii. in.
Leave New Yolk via "Bound Brook Roule."" 45
a, in., 1.30 and 4 10 n. in., arriving at Har,rlsouig,
1.50, 8.2o p. in., 12 3.) midnight.
Leave Lancaster. 8.05 a in. and 3.60 p. m.
Leave Columbia. 7.55 a. ni. and 3.40 p. in .
Leave Philadelphia, at U.45 a. ni., 4.00 and 7.45
p. in.
Leave Fottsvllle, B 00, 0,1 n a. in. and 4.40 p. m.
Leave Heading, at 4.60, 7.35, 11.50 a. in., 1.30, 6.15,
and 10.35 p. in.
lave Pottsvllle viaSchuylklll and Susquehanna
Branoh, 8.25 a. in. Leave Auburu via behuylklll
and Susquehanna Branch, 11.60 a. in.
Leave Allentown, at 5.q5, 9.06 a. in., 12.10, 4.30,
and 9.05 p. in.
SUNDAYS:
Leave New York, at 5 30 p. m.
Leave Philadelphia, at 7.45 p. m.
Leave Heading, at 7.35 a. in. and 10.35 p. in.
Leave Allentown. at 9.05 p. ni.
J. E. WOOTTEN, en. Mannuer.
O. G. Hancock, Ueneral Passenger and Ticket
Agent.
JHE MANSION HOUSE,
New Bloomfleld, Peuu'a.,
GEO. F. ENSMINGER, Proprietor.
HAVING leased this property and furnished It
In a comfortable manner, I ask a share of the
publie patronage, and assure my friends who stop
with me that every exertion will be made to
render their stay pleasant.
- A careful hostler always In attendance.
April 9. 1878. tl
RATIONAL HOTEL.
CORTLANDT STEET,
(Near Broadway,)
NEW ""ST ORK.
HOCHKISSSPOND,
Proprietors
ON THE EUROPEAN FLAN.
The restaurant, cafe and lunch room attached,
are unsurpassed for cheapness and eicellence of
service. Kooms 50 cents, 12 per day. $3 to 810 per
week. Convenient to all ferries and city railroads.
NEW FURNITURE. NEW MANAGEMENT. 4 ly
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Address
THE vm:sH COMPANY
(LIMITED),
S. W. Seventh and Chestnut Sts.,
PHILADELPHIA.
JONATHAN'S STRATAGEM.
HPH AT critter loves me 1 Iknowshe
X. loves me!" said Jonathan Dob
kins, as be sat on tbe cornfield fence,
meditating the course of true love, that
was running as Mr. Shakspear said It
did rather roughly. "If Buke Tea
body has taken a Bhine to that gawky,
long-shanked, staniuierin', sby critter,
Qussett, Just because he's a city feller,
she ain't the gal I took her for, that's
sartain. No, it s the old folks, darn
their ugly plcturs. Old Mrs. Teabody
was alters a dreadful hlfalutln' critter,
full of Bluck up notions; and tbe old
man's a regular softhead, driven by his
wife. Hut If I don't spile his fun, my
name ain't Jonathan. I'm going to the
city by railroad next week, and when I
come back, I'll wake snakes that's
all."
The above soliloquy may serve to give
the reader some Idea of the lay of the
land In the pleasant rustic village where
tbe speaker resided.
Mr. Jonathan Dobkins was a young
farmer well-to-do In the world, and
looking out for a wife, and had been
paying bis addresses to Miss Busan Pea
body. One Mr. Cornelius Gusset, who
kept a dry goods shop In Hanover street
Boston, suddenly made his appearance
In the field and began tbe cutting out
game.
Dazzled with the prospect of becom
ing a gentleman's wife, and pestered
with the importunity of her aspiring
mamma, the village beauty began to
waver, when her old lover determined
on a last and bold stroke to foil his rival.
He went to tbe city and returned; of
his business he said nothing not even
to a pumping old maiden aunt, who
kept house for him. He went not near
the Peabodys, but labored In bis corn
field, awaiting the result of his machi
nations.. The next day, Mr. Qussett was seated
with the old folks and their daughter,
In the best room of Peabody's mansion,
chatting as pleasantly as possible, when
the door opened, and In rushed a dirty
Irish woman.
" Is It there ye sit, Mr. Cornelius Gus
ett ? Come out of that before I fetch ye,
ye spalpeen 1 Is that what ye promised
me before the pralst, ye bathen, ye
nager? Running away from me and
the cbllder forsakln' yer lawful wedded
wife, and runnln' after the Yankee gals,
ye Infidel I"
"Woman, there must be some mistake
here," stammered Gussett, taken all
aback by this charge. '
" Divil a bit of a mistake, ye sarpintl
Oh, wlrra, wirra, was It for the likes of
ye I sacked little Dennis McCarty, who
loved tbe very ground I trod on, and all
because ye promised to make a lady of me,
ye black, dirty tbafe o' the world 1 Will
ye come on tbe railroad station, where I
left little Patrick, becase he was too Bick
with the small-pox to come any farther,
or will ye wait till I drag ye !"
"Go go along; go, and I'll follow
you," gasped Gussett. He thought it
best to temporise.
" I'll give you ten minutes," said the
virago; " If ye ain't there, it's me cous
in, Thaddy Magrundy, will be after ye,
ye thafel"
And away went the unbidden guest.
Mr. Gusset was then engaged in
stammering out a denial of. all knowl
edge of the virago, when the parlor door
again opened, and a little, black-eyed,
hatchet-faced woman; in a flashy Bilk
gown, and a cap of many ribbons perch
upon the top of her head, Invaded the
sanctity of the parlor.
" Is he here V" she cried In a very
decided French accent.
Then she added with a scream ;
" Ah 1 mon Dieu I zare he Is t Traitor,
monster I Vat for you runs away from
me t Dis two, three years I nevalr see
you nevalr, and my heart broke very
bad entirely."
" Who are you V cried Gusset, his
eyes starting out of his head, and shiver
ing from head to foot.
" He asks me who I am t Oh 1 you are
one very respectable gentleman you
bear what he asks t Who ami V perflde
I am your wife 1"
" I never saw you before so help me
God 1" cried Gussett energetically.
" Don't you swear !" said old Mr. Pea
body ; " if you do, I'll kick you Into fits.
I won't have any profane swearing In
my house."
" Oh, bless you, respectable old gentle
man! Tell him he must come wiz me;
tell him I have spoke to ze constable;
tell him" here sobs interrupted her
utterance.
" It's a pesky bad business," said the
deacon, chafing with unwonted Ire.
" Gussett, you are a rascal I"
"Take care, Deacon Peabody, take
care-, sir," said the unfortunate shop
keeper. " I remarked that you were a rascal,
Gussett. You have gone and married
two wives, and that ere's Hat burglary
ef I know anything about tbe Revised
Statoots."
" Two vife !" shrieked thellttle French
woman.
"Half-a-dozen for aught I know' to
the contrary I" said the deacon. "Neow
you git eout of my house; go away
to the station and clear out to Boston,
I want nothing more to do with
you."
" But, deacon, hear me,"
" 1 don't want to hear you, sarplnt,"
cried tbe deacon, stopping bis ears with
his bauds; "you marryln' two wives,
and comin' a cutiriln' athird I Go 'long;
clear out."
Eveu Mrs. Teabody, who was inclined
to put In a word for the culprit, was
silenced. Busan turned from him In
despair; he fled to the railroad depot
hotly pursued by the clamorous French
woman.
The afternoon, as Miss Susan Peabody
was walking towards the village, she
was overtaken by Mr. Jonathan Dob
kins, dressed In his best, and driving a
fast going horse before his Sunday-go-to-meeting
gig. He reined up and thus
accosted her :
" Hello, Buke ; get In and take a little
ride.
" Don't keer if I do, Jonathan," re
plied tbe young lady, accepting the
proffered seat.
"I say, you," said Jonathan, grin
ning, "that ere city feller's turned out
poorly, ain't he V"
"It's dreadful, If It's true," replied
Busan.
" You had a narrow escape, didn't
ye ?" pursued her old lover. "But be
warn't any account, no how. What do
the old folks think of It V"
" They hain't said a word since he
cleared out."
" Forgot the night I carried you home
from singing-school V" asked Jonathan,
suddenly branching off.
"No, I hain't," replied the lady
blushing and smiling at tbe same
time.
" Remember them, apples I gin ye 1"'
"Oh, yes."
" Well, they was good, wasn't they V"
" Fuetrate, Jonathan."
" Got a hull orchard full of such kind
of fruit," said Jonathan suggestively.
Busan was silent.
"G'langI" exclaimed Jonathan, put
ting the braid to his black horse.
"Have yon any Idea where we're
going to, SukeV"
" I'm going to the village."
" No you alrj't ; you are going along
with me."
" Whereto?"
"Providence; and yon don't come
back till you're Mrs. Dobkins, no how
you can fix it."
" How you talk, Jonathan."
"It's a fact."
"But then, the old folks" com
mented Busan.
" The old folks," said Jonathan, put
ting on the string again ; "ef I was to
leave you with them much longer, they
would be a tradin' you off to some city
feller who has half a dozen wives al
ready." The next day as Mr. and Mrs. Dobkins
were returning home, said Jonatban
confidentially:
" May as well tell you, Suke for I
bav'nt any secrets from you neow that
Gusset never saw them women afore
they stepped into your house and blowed
him up, as I had thought. Cost me
the dollars I told tbem what to say,
and I expect they done it well. Gussett
may be a shop-keeper, but if he expects
to get ahead of Jonathan Dobkins he
must get up a plaguy sight earlier in
the morning."
The Drummer's Dance.
THE Little Rock Gazelle my a: Geo.
Nlnaman, a Bt. LouIb drummer who
arrived In Little Rock recently, stopped
some time ago at aBmall cross-road hotel
in Grant County, Southern Arkansas.
The house contained four rooms and a
kitchen. After supper Nlnaman was
told he must spend part of the night
alone, as the family would attend a
protracted meeting in the neighborhood.
Tbe host, with his wife and daughter,
left the house and Nlnaman sat iu one
of the rooms alone. His loneliness was
added to by an owl in the yard which
hooted dismally and an old red clock on
a shelf which ticked solemnly. The
drummer, not having been assigned to a
room, could not go to bed, and be tried
to keep awake by reading the "Life of
Bt. Paul," tbe only book he could find.
The hog-grease lamp was sputtering in
unison with the ticking of tbe clock,
when the door of an inner room opened
and a tall, wall-eyed, bushy-haired man
entered. Without speaking he seated
himself and stared at Nlnaman, who
naturally showed surprise. Presently a
conversation was begun, and the man
exhibited such intelligence that Nina
man's fears were allayed, especially as
the man claimed to bo the landlord's
brother. The conversation turned on
literary subjects, tbe man remarked :
" Did you ever hear Hamlet's solilo
quy recited properly V"
" I think so," said Nlnaman. " I have
heard Booth."
" Booth does not catch the spirit,"
said the strange-looking man, "He
falls to engraft the twig of despair onto
tbe tree of Hamlet's nature. Would
you like to bear It recited properly V"
" Yes."
"You shall hear it. I hope nothing
traglo will occur, but, by Moses, you
shall have It."
Arising, the wild-eyed man darted
into an adjoining room and returned
with a navy pistol. Placing the pistol
on a table be began to recite in a voice
so deep and with an air so wild that
Nlnaman was startled. When he came
to " take up arms against a sea of troub
les and by opposing, end them," he
Belzed the pistol, cocked it and placed
tbe muzzle against his head. "Shall I
end tbem with you "
Nlnaman suggested that bis troubles
were not greater than be could bear, and
asked the man to lay aside his pistol.
" Ah, I see you do not like tragedy.
You 110 doubt like comedy. Pull oil
your coat and dance or I'll end your
life."
The pistol was leveled and Nlnaman
pulled off his coat and began to dance.
" Whoop it up," yelled the mau, "or
I'll end them. Pull off your trousers."
The trouser came off and the dancing
continued,
" Pull off your drawers."
The drawers dropped to the ground.
"Off with your shirt."
The shirt flew into tbe air. A noise
was heard outside and the landlord, his
wife and daughter were on the porch.
" Let me go, for God's sake," pleaded
Nlnaman.
" No, sir. I'll kill you If you attempt
to leave. You are a comedian."
The door-knob turned. Nlnaman
sprang towards a door and rushed up
stairs as the pistol snapped.
In a few minutes the landlord came
up and banded Nlnaman his clothes.
" I forgot to tell you," be said, "that
my brother is deranged. He has an old
pistol, but you couldn't hurt anything
with it. He is harmless, but likes his
little joke."
The next morning the wild man was
in such a goo humor that he offered to
beat Nlnaman throwing rocks at an
oyster can.
What the Old Man Feared.
AN old codger, in his latter life, bad
become much infatuated with
natural history, and as he had ample
means wherewith to procure specimens,
his dwelling became, in time, a perfect
museum, and a very Interesting one at
that. He had taken to himself a second
wife a pretty woman whose chief
recommendation to his favor had been
that she was a dear lover of art, and also
versed In the preparation and mounting
of specimens her father having been a
professor in a large and well-appointed
college". If you would ask how the old
man regarded his specimens, we can
best answer by telling this story :
Ho had been married four or five years
to his fair young wife and she bad never
given him any cause of complaint. If
she was, upon occasion, rather more free
and sociable with certain gentlemen who
frequently called to examine and admire
her husband's wonderful specimens, he
did not notice, so no harm was done.
At length, on a bright summer's morn
ing, as our scientist came in from a
bivouac in tbe woods, where he had
been watching for a parent owl, he was
met by a servant, wild-eyed and fright,
ened, who tried to tell him something
that seemed to stick in his throat.
"Open your mouth,you rascal 1" cried
the master, seizing him by the arm, and
shaking him. "Wbat has happened ?"
" O, master 1 A man came to your
house last night, and got into the cham
ber window by a ladder, and carried
off-"
" Speak I Speak 1" yelled the old man,
shaking his servant furiously, while his
own face was the very picture of mortal
terror.
" What what did he carry away ?"
"OI he he carried away your wife,
sir!"
The old scientist let go his servant's
arm, and drew a long, deep, reviving
breath.
" Was-was-that all V"
" Yes, sir." '
'You rascal 1 You came near fright
ening me out of my senses. I feared the
villain had been robbing me of my
specimen "
The Tanner's Revenge.
In the old country there was a law
requiring the tanner to give at least
twelve hours notice to the excisemen
before drawing hides from his vats.
That was so that the Government might
not be defrauded of an excise duty on
tanned skins. Well, once upon a time
a certain supervisor detected a tanner in
taking a single bide from one of his vats
without having given the required
notice, and straightway he complained
of the delinquent, and had him brought
up for trial. In vain was it that the
tanner plead that the bide was but a
simple Bheep, or lamb skin, that he had
been tanning for the use of bis wife.
He bad violated the law, and must pay
the penalty.
Home time thereafter It happened that
the supervisor, having been out to a
public dinner, and drank more than was
good for him, on his way home thought
to cross the tanner's yard, and thus
make a short cut. He had gained the
center of the yard, or thereabouts, when
be staggered wide of his path, and tum
bled into a vat of the strongest liquid !
His yells and cries soon brought half a
dozen men of the establishment to the
scene, and they were on the point of
pulling the luckless wight out, when
the master arrived.
"Nol no I" the latter cried. "Let
him be I I'll never draw another hide
without giving legal notice 1 I'll not be
fined again, if lean help It I But Johnny
McDavltt, you may run and tell the
excisemen that the supervisor Is In my
vat, bide and all!"
The unfortunate man howled, and
begged, and entreated, and stormed and
threatened but all to no purpose. He
remained there, the sides of the vat
being so smooth and slippery that he
could not gain a bold for climbing,
until the proper officer came, and gave
the tanner permission to draw the
supervisor's hide from his liquor pit I
A Darkey Wants a P. 0. Box.
HE wasn't a member of the Lime Kiln
Club, but be bad a whole wheel
barrow full of philosophy and logic
under his ancient-looking plug hat as he
entered the postoffioe and said he would
like to rent a box. Tbe chief clerk was
ready to accommodate him, when the
applicant said :
" De terms am cash, I 'spose V"
" Yes, sir."
" Is dar any trust ?"
"No, sir; you must pay quarterly in
advance." " Jes so, sah. Make out a deed of
dis yere box an' your quarter am
ready."
" The price is twenty shillings per
quarter of three months," explained tbe
clerk.
The colored gentleman fell back at the
rate of a mile a minute, but slowly ad
vanced after recovering from bis shock of
surprise and repeated :
" Twenty shillings ebery free months,
an' no trust V"
" The same."
The man took from his coat tail pocket
a broken two-foot rule and measured
tbs dimensions of the box. Then
shutting up the rule be swelled out and
exclaimed :
" Does dis pos' offus take me fur a
fool, eah V Does dis ignoble guv'ment
imagine dat I've gone crazy, sah V"
" I guess not."
" Den why, sah, does dis Ignoble guv'
ment try to rob me, eah V Look at de
ideal I kin rent a hull boss-barn on
Indiana street for $2 a month, sah, an'
ylt dis ignoble guv'ment axes me to pay
twenty shillings a . quarter fur a pos'
offus box not half as big as one end of a
manger I I wasn't bo'n in de woods,
sah no, sah an' you can keep dat
box, sah, and dis ignoble guv'ment
kin pass my letters frew de winder,
sah!"
From a Lover to a Step-Father.
A strange and terrible revenge was
recently taken by a discarded lover in
Indiana. He was about thirty years of
age, and had been industriously courting
a girl of sixteen, but when he came to
pop the question be was contemptuously
rejected, the girl Baying that he was old
enough to be ber father. Upon that
hint he acted, for the girl's mother was
a buxom widow of only thirty-five, and
he speedily transferred his court to her.
Their marriage soon followed, and now
the younger lady finds that her ex-lover
is her step-father. She thought it was
funny until tbe couple returned from
their wedding tour, and then the newly
made step-father said to her : " My
daughter you are too fond of beaux.
Nice young men, ice cream and buggy
rides are not proper luxuries for a little
girl like you. I am old enough to be
your father, and what's more, I am.
Go up Btalrs, take of that silk dress, get
ready for school, and don't let me hear
beaux or buggy, ice cream or nice young
men from you again for at least three
years." And now that young lady is
attired In calico and study, vainly re
penting her rashness, and finding out
by dire experience that a lover scorned
can be one's worst enemy, especially
when be becomes a step-father.
A Lady" Wish.
"Oh, how I wish my skin was as
clear and soft as yours," said a lady to
her friend.
" You can easily make it so," auswer
,ed the friend.
" How V" inquired tbe first lady.
" By using Hop Bitters, that makes
pure rich blood and blooming health.
It did it for me as you observe." Read
of it. 4S t.
f3" An' I pray dat de Lord take me,
till I tried "Sellers' Cough Syrup," an'
I's nebber coughed since. How's dat
for high, boss V