THti TIMES, NEW 1JL00MFI1SLD. I'A., FEBRUARY 1, 1879.
Professional Curds.
JK. J UN KIN. Attorney-at Law,
t New Bloomileld. Perry eo., Ha.
-Oluoe Next door to Hie residence ol Judne
Junk Id. 46tl
A M.IMARKKL, Attorney-at-Law,
a New Ulooinlleld, I'erry oounty, Pa.
." Office opposite the Mansion Uonse.nnd
1 three doors east of tUe Post-Oulce.
T BW1S rOTTElt,
A'l'TOUNDV AT J.AW,
NBW BLOOMFIELD, PEIiRV CO., PA.
. Claims promptly secured collected
Writings and all legal business carefully attend
ed to. "yi
CHARLES II. RMILE Y, Attorney at Law.
New HloomlleHl, I'erry Co. Pa.
onioe two doors east of Joieuli Smith's
hotel. August 2, 1KT&
WM. A. 8PONHLEK, Attorney-at-Law,
(mice adjoining his residence, on East
Main street. New UlooinUeld, Perry Co., Pa 8 II ly
JOHN a. SIIATTO, Burgeon Dentist.
New Bloomileld, Perryco., Pa.
All kinds of Mechanical and Surgical Dentistry
done In the best manner, and at reasonable
Prjejomce at his residence floor Eastofthe
lloblnson House, and opposite Win. A. Bponsler't
Law olllce. 3 Sly
MewUloomlleld, Perryoo.,Pa.
Hioomneia, a sj i v.
LEWIS POTTER, notary PUBLIC, New Bloom.
Held, Perry Co., Pa.
Deeds, Bonds, Mertgagps and Leases carefully
prepared and acknowledgements ttiken. All
kinds of Pension and Bounty papers drawn and
eertllted, will also take depositions to be reed In
mivoimi't In the United States. 71Uly
CHAS.J.T.McINTIRH, Attorney-at-Law,
New Bloomileld, Perry co., Pa.
mw All professional business promptlyandf alth
fully attended to. 3 2 ly.
TITM. A. MOItlUSON,
VV JUSTICE OF THE PEACE and GENERAL
COLLECTOR, NkwOeumantown, Perryco., Pa.
- Itemittaneeawillbe made promptly for all
Collections made. 744
CHAS. A. BARNETT, Attorney-at-Law,
New Hlooinlleld.I,erryco.,Pa
.Office on high street, North side, nearlyop
posite the Presbyterian church. 3 2 ly
M.
L. LIGGETT. Att.hikby-at-Law.
Newport, I'erry County. Pa.
ltavln? permanently located at Newport, will
rlve prompt and careful attention to all busi
ness matters eoininitted to his care.
Olllce, No. W North Second Street.
Newport, April 2? 1378.
'DICHARD L. MAGEE,
JUSTICE OF THE. PEACE,
- Olllce at his residence, in CENTRE TOWN
SHIP, Perry County, Penn'a., one mile South of
New Bloomileld. 10 3
0,
P. BOLLINGER, M. D,
liavlng located In Newport, oilers his Profes
sional services to all who may need them.
Chronic diseases of every description cured.
. Olllce In Dr. Slmtto'a building, 4th Street
March 4, 1878.
QEORGE H. MARTIN
GEXEIUL AGENT.
BLAIN, PEltUY COUNTY, 1A.
Special attention given to tho collection of
claims, and any other business entrusted to him
will receive prompt attention. Charges moderate.
April, 19th, 1877.
JEATHER &C.
THE subscriber has now on hand at
LOW 1MIICES.
Good Sole Leather,
Kip of Superior Quality,
Country Calf Skins,
French Calf,
.LININGS, ItOANS, &c.
F. Mortimer,
NEW BLOOM FIELD, PA.
American and Foreign Patents.
GtLMORR & CO.. Successors to CHIPMAN,
HOdMKK & CO., Solicitors. Patents pro
cured Inall countries. NO FEES IN ADVANCE.
No charge unless the patent Ik granted. No fees
for making preliminary examinations. No addi
tional fees for obtaining and conducting a re
hearing. By a recent decision of the Commis
sioner, ALL rejected applications may be revived.
Special attention given to Interference Cases be
fore the Patent Olllce, Extensions before Con
gress, Infringement Suits In dilferent States, and
all litigation appertaining to Inventions or Pat
ents. Send Stamp to Uilmore Si Co., for pamph
let of sixty pages.
LAND CASKS, LAND WARRANTS & SCRIP.
Contested Land Cases prosecuted before the U.
S. General Land Olllce and Department of the
Interior. Private Land Claims. MINING and
PRE EMPTION Claims, and HOMESTEAD cases
attended to. Land Scrip In 40, 80. any 100 acre
pieces for sale. This Scrip is assignable, and can
be located In the name of the purchaser upon any
Government land subject to private entry, at
$1.25 per acre. It Is of equal value with Bounty
Laud Warrants. Send Stamp to Gilmore & Co.,
tor pamphlet of Instruction.
ARREARS OK PAY AND BOUNTY.
OFFICERS, SOLDIERS and SAILORS of the
late war, or their heirs, are In many casesentltled
to money from the Government of which they
have no knowledge. Write full history of service,
and state amount of pay and bounty received.
Enclose stamp to GILMORE & CO.. and a full re
ply, after examination, will be given you free.
I K N S I () N 8.
All OFFICERS. SOLDIERS, and SAILORS,
wounded, ruptured, or Injured In the late war,
however slight, cau obtain apensouby addressing
GILMORE & CO. ' '
Cases prosecuted by GILMORE S CO., before
the Supreme Court of the United Stales.the Court
of Claims and the Southern Claims Commission.
Each department of our business U oiuductrd
tn aseparate bureau, under charge of the same
experienced parties, embloyed by the old Arm.
Prompt attention to all business entrusted to
GILMORE 8 CO., Is thus secured. We desire to
win success by deserving It.
Address: GILMORE &C(.,
629 F. Street,
Washington, I. C.
MOur Stock of NEW GOODS
for Men's Wear Is complete.
Prices from 12! cents up.
F. MORTIMER. New Bloomtleld.Pa
Don't you want some cheap
irn.tri. f.,i- Patttu inri U..O-
L. If vou do. don', full to .v.
amino the splendid assortment for sale op P.
MORTIMER. You can suit yourself In stvle and
price.. ,.. , i -
tRR a week;tn vour own town. V Outfit free'
9W No risk. Reader. If yon want a business
at which persons of either sex can make great
fay all the time tliev work, write for full partlcu
arstoH. HALLETT & CO.. Portland, AJe.;ll ly
Newport Advertisements. AUCTIONEERS
, . i
w.
It. S. COOK & CO.,
Agree to tall all kinds of
LUMBER AND SHINGLES,
for LESS MONEY than any other dealers In this
county. We will also take good Timber on the
stump or delivered at our Mill In exchange for
Lumber, &o, We use Clearfield Pine and Hem
lock only.
W. R. 8. COOK t CO.,
Newport, Terry Co., Pa.
October 10, 1876.
JONES' BROS, &. CO.,
(Pnrnitirly John Jones & Son,)
Grain & Produce
MERCHANTS,
Brick Warehouse, Front St., above Market,
Newport, Perry County, Pa.
WE would respectfully Invite the patronage of
the farmers, and the public generally, as
the HIGHEST PRICES the market wlllalford,
will be paid for all kinds of
GRAIN,
FLOUR,
PRODUCE
SEEDS AND
RAILROAD TIES
We have constantly on hand,
FISH,
SALT,
PLASTER,
CEMENT
COAL,
IRON,
STEEL,
HORSE SHOES, &C..&C.
FOR SALE AT THE LOWEST BATES.
S Orders promptly filled,
Newport, July 20, 1875 tf
JNJEWP0RT DRUG STORE.
Havlug on hand a complete assortment of the fob'
lowing- articles, the subscriber asks a share of your
patronage.
Drugs and Medicines,
CHEMICALS OF ALL KINDS.
Also a full toci'ot
Concentrated Komedies,
ESSENTIAL OILS.
Brushes, Perfumery
haiii on,,
AND
FANCY ARTICLES.
Also always on Hand,
PU11E WINES & LIQUOR
FOR
MEDICINAL and SACRAMENTAL
PURPOSES
PHYSICIANS ORDERS
Can fully twl Promptly Filled '
B . M . E D Y .
Newport. Penn'a.
J . B. HARTZELL,
Wholesale Tobacco Dealer,
WrlKlit'N iluiliiiiiK.
NEWPORT, IA.
Sole Agent for Lorllard's Superior Tobaccos,
Also, A Large Stock of STA
TIONERY always on hand at
LOW PRICES.
-Country Merchant supplied with Goods
at Philadelphia prices.
f Your orders are solicited.
9 44
1878.
Fall- and Winter. 1878.
OPENING OF
m nvfiv i
III
HAVING taken unusnal care in selecting my
stock of goods In the above line, I am abte
to offer a most complete and desirable assort
ment, consisting of all the new and late styles of
trimmed and untrimmed goods, all lit the lowest
Iirlces. I am confident .that I can show a stock
hat cannot be beateu this side the city.
LADIES' COATB
kept on hand or made to order at short notice.
These goods an all late stvles aud all orders guar
anteed to give satisfaction.
, ANNIK ICKE8.
Newport.
An assortment of my goods will also be found
at Loysvllle for Bale by MISS ANNIE WHITlSi
Prices the same as at Kewport.
DCQTbusiness you can engage In. $i to f20
ui.v I per day made by any worker of either
sex, right In thelrown localities. Particulars and
sample worth tlvo dollars free. Improve vour
sparetiine at this business. Address STINsOn &
CO., Portland, Maine. Ulyr
AS. P. LATCHF0RD,
AUCTIONEER,
Would respectfully Inform the public that he
will cj y sales at reasonable prices. All orders
will receive proinnt attention.
x Dunn ally's mills perry Co., pa.
TAMES CLEELAND
U Auctioneer,
Offers his services to the citizens of Perry and
Cumberland counties. Post olllce address,
Sliermaiisdale, Perry co.. Pa.
D.HENRY,
J trr"rm vitrtu
'1 VTJIVJl,
Blaln, Perry county Pa.
Terms Moderate and every exertion made
to render satisfaction. otf
Auctioneer. The undersigned gives
notice that he will cry sales at any point In Perry
or Dauphin counties. Orders are solicited and
promplattentlonwlllbe given.
K. D. WELLS,
New Buffalo
Perry co., Pa.
Q B. HARNISH,
AuaxioiNisioit,
pelvllle, Perrv Co., Pn. Charges moderate, and
satisfaction guaranteed. g tf
D
AVID M'COY,
AUCTIONEElt ,
1CKESBURG. PERRY COUNTY, PA.
1- Clurges moderate. Prompt attention paid
to ail calls.
H
0ME MANUFACTURE.
LOOK OUT J
I would respectively Inform my frleudsthatlln
teudcalliugupouthein with a supply of good
of my
OWN MANUFACTURE.
Ceusistlngof
DASSIMERS,
OA8SINET8,
FLANNELS, (Plalnaudbar'd)
OAltPEfs, Aco.,
to exchange for wool orsell for cash.
J.M.BIXLER.
CbhtbbWoolenFactoki. 6,17,4m
W For Sale by F. Mortimer. New Bloomileld
Perry comity. Pa.
VIBKATOR.
BisKnk,S.
THE ORIGEiJAL & ONLY GENUINE
Vibrator" Thresliers,
wrrn nrntovao
MOUNTED HORSE POWEr
And Steam Thresher Engines,
Kade only by
NICHOLS, SHEPARD & CO.
CHEEK, MICH.
.. - . A " " Jim -7 a
THE MntcfileMn 3rain-Hnv.nff, Time.
tMrtnir,nn4 I.Mnj"ftviiiic 'i'lirennriii ol ti l iltiy ami
jrcnvrisltuii. Uyomi all HtTlr for Rnpld Wuit, fvr
tci (touting, ttd for teviuf rta from Wuaus.
GRAIN ItnUrrn will not Pnbmlt to tho
nnoinitnui waatitKUufflniiu k t.io lnn-rlir wm k ilmi.. t,y
1m ottwr muliluH, wlio mcm poaiaU ou ILiv diOrac.
THE ENTI11B Tlirenhlnqr Bxprnsos
l ami olten I to & 'lim t.iut t. moinii 1 rnn .h miuiv
thm Kxln Or.ln BAYL1 ly t!iwi lututovJ lUtiiluM.
NO Rerotvlntr 8hnfo Inldo tho 8pn
rntur. klllirvl fr. ljln. IMckkih. lUonk-M,
Itnd all nut ll ttm-Wfiln t mi'l nIii-wlliirf tuinipll
rtlnua. PvrfrWly '1nni i t nil Klii.ii mirl ronltlwuof
Orsiin, TCi or liry, liiz or blio. t, 1imJiU or UuuaJ.
NOT only Vnntlr Pn peri or fc
Ula, liaili-r, ic, ntirl UrMhm. 1-m
ctMlul Ttirerslierln Mux. Tlmmlir, Hill
' for Whfnt,
nut iiir ii.r oik .
rlillut Ctnmr ...I
Ilk HttsfiN, Heqntn tt itrj MliJichnwuu " or " rwbulLUuc "
lino
to cl
n
to cUeuigo Iroiu lint In It) ttuutl. .
ARVELOTT5 for Hlmpllrlty of Parln,
UliM no Ll(triui or UcMiUrlUf a.
FOTTU miKeaof 8fparntornMndr. rnnir
lit Irnm M In Twrive linr-e nut, aiu wiii,u(
AluuutsU IIotm ruwftiv to lUMcU.
ATEABI Powrr Thrnhorfi n Hprrlnlry.
J -i )NM.ial buwtol- UUmX ojr Mjy lor btveuu 1'WWCI .
Ot'R UnrlTolort Hlanm Threnhrr En
( .ite, Wii.i nlitllfi l)urruvmiii u,( li.Mlocliv
ruuirea, far LwyoitU u oUwr iiwka or klu.L
X Thoronvb Worhmanshtp. Elrirnnt
I lnlfc.1, iVi ei-i.nn of I'aria, i:i!lietriii:ite of Kiuiiiii)-iu,
etc., our "ViUBUToM"TirUr OuiUm ri looowpiaraU.
FOIl Pnrtlcnlnrfl, rail on onr Dealers
Frlvaitt Hnnpittl, 'Mi
8. Clurk St.((;hnjt",
III. 0Vftpcl.uy,H
I'riVstlcCbraulo and
Kiniili DUftajwi.
CniiauKatloB fr.
ialioa aud Oetitle
men, ibb4 oop dulUr
tor ftni)t of bn
rutilisr iknIk, aittl
valuable Itifortitatldii
tr Mr: ta
bic ualf Villa, 15
iK-r bos. Irlvute
hoin ani Mura fur
TjftiHisi during ood
rttH'tiirnt. A mnw work, rW bO
MRU bj maiL Uvils.
rica of Naiurv, Pbyal
oUkj ot Marriage, Or
sans of Generation,
Dlwaaat of Youth a n 4
MbhikkmI; wealth of
chiikw aud valuable In
formatlni), of (ntrrril
to both tvsta. Nothing
otfrnalre tn food ItO
atut rMlnemrnL In for
niatioo inter hfTurt
pultli-hiHl. K.i family
rmuM ) witlinut it.
07"iMra, fir. A. Q,
0,N. ah I tnrk Hi
o
OS
CJD
CD
D
R. J. W. RICE,
Hnrtrlcal and Mechanical DentiHt,
POKT ROYAL, Juniata County, Pa.
Office on Market Ht., one door West, of the
nmcioffl'e. Any rson wiHiiiim to be called on
at their residence, will please luformnia ol the
act, 84 m
JOB PniNTINO of erery description neatly
and promptly executed at Kt-Haunahle Kates
at the Blooinueld limes Steam Job Ofllce.
f!Sff.f ' ""'d v tli. Hmtlrnifil
jfJV .if (ISMfl'S (Oil l.iv KR fill, I.ACT0-
MOSPIU TKol 1,1 1K. ariire rrriinni.Vr3
llfell lion, f,nm;hi. Ilninrliili t all Hrroluloas )fHJ
iHviim. AsV tourilpDirciiriirOmna'A""5y
r$5sciiiiii knit ir .f. gsjtijjr
FOUTZ'S
HORSE AND CATTLE POWDER 8
r... . . rti -
Ko ffonflll will fllA nf fvirin. llr,TYB i.i I.iimm IT-a.
Tkr, If Fculg Pnwdrni nrp twfl In time.
FoiitF'M'owrtprAWIUrtlrnnnrl prevent Hon CnoT.KHA
r'".?'"J'owl10 w"' prevent Uapks im Fowl, e
p"'lnllr TttrknvH.
Kniitf,-! Powdim Will IncrfWH the qnnntltr of milk
uml orcnm twenty per cent, and make the butter firm
ami n wet.
Kmit Powdcru will rnre or prevent lmot btxrt
J llfrA.it tlmt llnnu. unit tutlle ore heir lo.
roiiTs's I'owi.rih will oiraBATiarAOTiox.
Bold crerywhore.
DAVID a. roUTB, Proprietor,
BALTIMOHH, Kd.
JHE MANSION HOUSE,
New Illoonilleld, Penn'a.,
(JEO. V, EN8MINOKH, Proprietor.
HAVING leaqed this pronerty and furnished It
In a comfortable manner, task a share of the
public patronage, and assure my friends who slop
with mn that every exertion will be made to
render their stay pleasant.
A careful hostler always In attendance.
April 9, 187.tf
rJ1HE EAGLE HOTEL,
New Itloomlleld, Penn'a.
HAVING purchased this property and refitted
and refurnished It In a comforlnble manner. I
askashareof the public natrnnairs. and assure
inv friends who stop with melhat every exertion
will be made to render their slnv pleasant.
4. It. h. HOfJIIKNSHILDT.
March 111, 1H7S. tf
TTtSTATK NOTICK Notice Is hereby Ely.
IU en, that Letters of Administration on the
Kstnteof Harah Oehr.nf Carroll twp.. Perrv eoun
ty. Pa., deceased, have been Kranfed to the un
derslRiied, resldlnn In Snrlnfj townshli.
All persons Indebted to said estate are requested
to make payment, and those having claims will
present them duly authenticated to the under
tinned for settlement without delnv.
O. W. UHIIR.
. Administrator.
- P. (). Address. Elllottsburg.
Calvin Nrilson. Attorney.
November 5, 1878. pd
I5e atii defeateiT "
171.0R over SO years SEM.KltS MVKIt PILLS
J have bfen the standard remedy fur Liver
Complaints, Costiveness, Hick Headache. Pair. In
Hhnulders or Back, Dizziness, Coated Tongue,
Fever and AKiie. and all diseases arising from a
deranged slate of the Liver or Htomach. Thomas
Adams. of ttljr Sandy, Ky , says: "Hellers' Pills
have saved bundl ed of dollars In doctors' bills in
this country." Ji. K. 8EELK11S & CO., Prop'is,
rittsburKh, Pa.
THE GREAT BLOOD TONIC.
For the cure of all diseases arising from Impure
Wood, and for InvlgoratlnE and strengthening
the vital organs. Are you weak, nervous, debili
tated, imle and emaciated f Have you lost your
appetite? Have you nausea, pain In the back,
&o.T If so, I)r. Lfdsey's Blood Senrclier will drive
out the disease and brinR back the BLOOM OK
HEALTH. PlmpJes, Bolls. Erysipelas. Tetter,
Halt Itheiim &c, are but surface indications of
Blood Diseases: and Dr. Lldsey's Blood Searcher.
bvptniryliiK the system, softens the skin and
beautifies the complexion. Hold by all drugElsts
tl per bottle. H. E. HKLLEHH & CO.. Proprie
tors, Pittsburgh, Pa. G 48
W IRON 4g
A full assortment of
BAll IKON,
KOI'ND IKON.
OVAL IKON.
8CUOLL IKON
STEEL AND IRON TIRE,
Norway Iron, Hail Rods,
PLAIN AND GALVANIZED
hoop in on,
OK ALL WIDTHS.
.fc,, tVc.f tVc,
on hand and for sale at the LOWEST MARKET
PItlCKIy
MORTIMER,
New lllovmjUld.
BOOTS
i
! Do yon want BOOTS of any kind?
, If so, call and see the
! STOCK
SOW OVFEnED BI
F, MOltTIMKH,
N
Of ICE !
NOTICE is hereby iriven tli.it aniillcatinn wUI
be made to the Legislature of Pennsylvania, at
Its next session, tor the repeal of an art, passed the
8th day nf April, lHSil, extendi ne to Perry connrv
the provisions of an act "relating to the fees 0t
the Hherilf nf Cumberland and Snyder counties,"
approved 10th of April. Hti".
SOLOMON BOWER,
J. W. OA NTT,
GEO. CAMPBELL.
December 17, 1878. Commissioners.
BOOKSrS.LLIOFi
I A lr(rt, ntw anil rotnpiete Ouldd to
1 Wedlock, conttiiniitx Wiln tutor
other, lite luliutriiift clMprrrm A
coniptitt Voiutnliooil, Helectinn of
Wile, Evidence ot Virelnt'jr. Tcm
prrauiruM. compatible anU hirompsii- :
b. BteiliitV 111 tuliin. rsiiiM anrl
itHtuKi-i, rttnicu iu nriut'roum, yifivic to nuiDftlKM.
Aiivvf tu wivfg, l'rotiiiutiun, il tautrp, Cclrhccy tit J
AUtrmtnii roMipir-(l. Conxugt) ilntiri, Cunccpiton, Con.
flunneiifc, i.uv .iU cVnrtiJnp. Imped imtnl lu AUrriace,
iamtft tnj ti m!, fee ic nee ui Ki-produotiun, Single hf
eoniidrrwl. Lew olMeriitK. Inw ui iivoref( fag! rlKhte
of in em U wumtn, ic, iitcludinK JJitoteet pei-ulier to
Woman, thetr eeiiMt tntl iretlitirnt. A bwk for prittvt
nd ronaidertte rctditiR. ol OiiO ptget, vuit fUU 1 ittt Lty
grtriugi, by meil, eetletl tor 60 cnte.
VThe. Private Medionl Artv!r
BTPnilie,CotiorrUCB. taeet.airiotuicVtrteol,
c., tuo on Bptrmattorhoea.Sexutl BqbilUy, tudlm
potency t from 8it-lute end Lxccm t, rtuiinjc firinintl ,
Euiieiiona, Nervouane, Avrrsion lo ScM'iviy.Confuitunol
Idete, Flivaireldrrer, liiimetuf njrht, Drlrctive Memory,
Lom o utl Povrtr, rtc. mekiitic niarrieere tiupnprr
or unhtppy. Kivint trcAtmcfit, end irrret mtny
vtiuable rrclpta fttr tna cure of til prifttt dlettteeit tttut
tixe, over OOpletre, 60 ccnti.
Mftnrt) cm titnhood end Womanhood, 10 evntet or
11 three In one nlceiv bound volume, jkl. They cumein
JWO mm end ovrr 100 JUualrtUoQa, rtubreriM every.
th;nr on the urnertilve lyitria thet U wort it kmo ine, and
wuch that i not puMialit d in eny other work. Ti.e oiu-btm-d
volume l iwaitivtly thp bt-at 1'opuler Met'iffil B.k
publlehcd, end IhotediaaatiariYd after gvttmff it can have
,lr',nonT-t'"ndf, The Author U an ixpenenced
I . hyaMao ofmany mr practice, aa la well known.) and
the advice siven, and ItuU fur trcnti.unt laid down, wilt
be found of frrvtt aloe to thuae antWriiif from impuritiea ,
of the ajatrna, early errora.toet vijtor, or any of the nuiurr
trouble coming under lltu had of 'Trivtlo" or
CbroaioM dlteaaea. 8uutln aina;l volume, ox c-nip!rt ;
In one, for Price iu Stempe, Silver or Currency. jComul. ,
tattoo oonfideutiad. and tettere aro promptly anrj traukly
iievrrvdfrittnnt eharye.) Addreaai Dr. Butte' Oipn-at-y,
1) X. ath 54.. bi. Looia, Ala. (SatMlabeU lut 7 )
iUTTFor asloby NowtDatlor. AGENT wanted,
C PR. HVT1 invitee til peraone euffvHnff from "V 1
Jll'lTl to a i. J him tbsir nunrt tod tddreae, 1
and hereby taautue them that thy will Ifarn W
e . "w
j'! I i. 5,''i -
i" Which is better, to die eating or
dl.et V
have Just dropped In," as the
fly said to the cofl'ee.
If A paper that Is always full of
good points a paper of needles.
. . ... - ...
Huttison was an eminent tragedian
In his day, and in his las actt brought
down the house.
tT Ilulloa, Charlie What's the mat
ter ! Training for a race 5"'
" No, Tom ; racing for a train."
t'ST There Is one trouble greater than,
carving a turkey. It consists in not
having a turkey or anything else to
carve.
(A Syracuse man calls his wife
" Poor Rule," because she won't work
more than one way, aud usually not
that. ' ,
""Take away woman," asks a
writer, " and what would follow V' We
would. Give us something harder next
time.
The upstart that rose to a point of or
der after sitting down upon the aggres
sive end of a pin was assured by the
chair that the point was well taken.
ngr"Is this the Adams House?"
asked a stranger of a Uoslonian.
" Yes," was the reply, " It is Adam's
house until you get to the roof ; then it's
eaves."
By a Hammer-teur Joker.
A certain Hammer advertises his abil
ity to "Instruct in German, French,
Italian and Spanish." This is decided
ly a clear case of Hammer and lovgua.
W Editors like brevity; but a man
who was recently hanged In Indiana
suited them too well. He made no re
marks about heaven, but nodded to the
preacher and said ;
"I'll see you later," and then the
drop fell.
W Speaking of razors," said the ob
sequious barber, as he tendered change
for a quarter, " I believe Adam and Eve
were the first raisers ; were they not?"
The customer raised his Cain, and de
manded to know if he was Abel to make
another joke like that.
" Did you attend the church fair
last night V" asking a minister of one
of the members of the congregation.
" Yes, sir." " I didn't see you there,"
said the sharp-eyed deacon, " I saw you
by the outer door at closing up time."
" Well, I attended two of 'em home."
gThe dreadful perversity of types Is
again Illustrated by the case of a senti
mental novelist who,describlng his hero
ine as one who "always kept modestly
In the background," was horrified to
find it recorded In print that she "al
ways kept modesty In the background!"
W" Can a man belong to a brass band
and be a Christian?' asks an exchange.
We see no impediment In the way. But
if he is a member of a brass band and I
given to practicing on bis cornet or
trombone at home, it is an utter impossi
bility for the man next door to be a
Christian. - ,
. .... -. -
Cg-Dr. Johnson had a habit of eating
very fast, and using his fingers In place
of a fork. One day the cynic was din
ing with a company, when a would-be-wit
remarked: "Doctor, you remind
me of Nebuchadnezzar." "Neb'chad
nezzar," replied the doctor, his mouth
full of vlntuals, "Ah, yes. That's
because I'm eating with the brutes."
0""0h, don't punish me!" said aged
Ann Burns to the court magistrate. .
"And why not?"
"I've got the rheumatics, your Hon
or, and the dropsy, and liver complaint,
and a touch of the consumption. I will
not last long."
" I guess you'll come out all right at
the end of three months."
"What! did I hear you say three
months? Oh, but I fx dead I will 1.
when I step out of tho place."
(ST Sir James Mackintosh invited
Dr. Parr to take a drive In his gig. The
horse became restive-
" Gentle, Jemmy," said the Doctor
" don't irritate him ; always soothe your
horse, Jemmy. You'd better do with
out me. Let me down, Jemmy," Once
upon terra flruia, the Doctor's view of
things was changed, "Now, Jemmy,
touch him up. Never let a horse get the
Letter of you. Touch hhu up,'couquer
him, don't spare him ; and now- I will
leave you to manage him. I will walk
back."
m
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