THE TIMES, NEW BLOOMFIELD, PA.. OCTOBEU 15, 1878.
THE WRONG UMBRELLA.
IT IS lamentable that the moral sense
of mankind take so little nooount
of the rights of property ss regards
hooks and umbrellas. Many people who
fire In most respects excellent members
of society will borrow books without
Htlut, and If they do not return minus
the covers, will keep them without com
punction, and when you hint that they
liave hnd them rather long, will mut
ter: "Confound the fellow I does he think I
Kant to steal his hooks Y"
I have had dltl'i'iences with my best
friends on that score, and have often
been asked whether I had not better fine
everybody who retained my valuable
volumes beyond a fixed time, as if I
were a village library. Such Insults
have been borne with meekness, because
I have reveled In the thought of having
made way with Johnson's umbrella.
The laxity of the publlo morals in the
.matter of umbrellas is truly awful, but
-retribution will sometimes overtake him
who plots against his neighbor's pnra
chutte. Let me tell how It overtook
me.
A long lime ago I was madly enamor
ed of Mary Jane Bowles. Mary Jane
' was what you would call a pocket Ve
nus, and often have I been tempted to
tuck her under my arm, like a pack
et of scij;nr, and ily to some desert
Island, for the girl was very fond of
of society especially, the society of
young men with whom I was not on
terms of ardent friendship.
1 did not blame her for this, and when she
artlessly, invited me lo tea, I found that
Johnson had also been invited, my dis
cerning eyes observed that this was not
coquetry, but pure exuberanceof spirits.
Mr. Howies, I noticed, was of the same
opinion, and It was a great satisfaction
to me to have my Judgment confirmed
by so experienced a parent. Mrs.
Bowles, had she been alive, would no
doubt have agreed with us.
I hud known Mary Jane since she
wore short frocks. Johnson had known
her about a month. It was pleasant to
hear her cull me Bam and he Mr. John
on, but somehow tho familiarity in my
:ise seemed to have bred, not contempt
oh, dear no ! nothing of that kind
but, a sort of nonchalance of manner.
(How useful the French language Is
when one wants to express a very deli
cate meaning 1) But that was her art
lessness. " Dear me, Sam," she observed at tho
tea-table, " what have you got such a
long face fori"' Mr. Johnson's atten
tions had made me a little pensive.
" Something must be long to make up
for the prevailing shortness," I Baid.
Johnson was not much taller than
Mary Jane. I made a note of that sar
casm afterwards. My Impromptus are
too often lost.
"Don't be impertinent, sir. Look
into that spoon. Your face Is exactly
like the reflection you see there, isn't It,
Mr. Johnson V"
He grinned. It was then I observed
for the first time the singular breadth of
his visage. His grin seemed to extend
across the room.
" If Mr. Johnson will hold the spoon
horizontally he may admire hisown Im
age," I remarked playfully.
Johnson grinned again. He waB one
of those Insanely good-humored men
whom it is quite impossible to annoy.
" Saui,you are outrageous," said Mary
Jane. " Mr. Johnson and I are going
to practice our duet. You stop here and
talk to Pa!" .
Mr. Bowles had to be aroused from
the doze Into which he usually dropped
after tea. It was In that my penetration
had detected his conviction that Mary
Jane was an artless creature.
Ta woke up and asked me what were
my views on tramways. His composi
tion was a fine crusty conservatism and
he disliked innovations. His port wine
was fine and crusty, too ; but that is by
the way.
I was listening to the duet overhead,
and had a very indistinct idea of what
the old gentleman said, and of what I
was saying myself. I cannot sing, but
it was not for that reason that I objected
to the preposterously operatic way in
which Johnson was conducting him
self.
" Tramways, my dear sir, are, as you
so Justly observe, tho scourge of man
kind. From the earliest times they have
been noted for their hostility to human
virtue, and "
I have lands and proud dwellings,
And all shall be thine,
sang Johnson, upstairs.
" And it is, aa you say, monstrous
that landed proprietors and bloated
householders should override the popu
Jar protest in this matter, especially as
we know that that for purposes of
drainage tramways are "
" My dear boy, you are not well," in
terrupted Mr. Bowles, kindly. "Have
a glass of wine."
When I left the house that evening I
was thoughtful. It struck me that
Johnson had Mary Jane in his mind's
eye. t could not damage that organ of
vision, so I decided that nothing would
be gained by hitting him. But some
thing would have to be done. I wanted
to marry Mary Jane. She was a charm
ing girl, and her father had a little
money.
My suspicions about Johnson 'were
confirmed next day. I met a lively
friend, who said :
"Oil, you know Johnson V"
well y"
"Ho's going Infer little Bowles.
Told me he should propose to-morrow
night when he takes her home from
Twig's party."
"Perdition I" ','). ',
"EhV Slap-up girl, Isn't she?
Thoughtyou were sweet that way V"
" Perd Oh, no, not at oil I There's
my omnibus. Oood-bye."
' Oolng to propose when he took her
home from Twig's 1 By all the powers
he should not take her home from
Twig's I"
It had been h greed that I should es
cort Mary Jane to the halls of Twig.
It was a line night apparently, but I
took my umbrella. It was a new one,
surmounted by an allgator's headlnOer-
man silver. Fervently I Invoked Jupi
ter and riuvlus to befriend me.and hoped
that Johnson would leave his umbrella
at home.
It was less than ten minutes walk,
but there was time enough to show a lit
tle preliminary tenderness, if not to put
the grand question Itself. With an art-
k'ss girl like Mary Jane, it was best to
approach such a subject by degrees.
'"Twus just such a night as this, "I said
softly, " when you and I, Mary Jane,
trod the grassy turf beside that mur
muring brook,'
" Oh, I remember I" she exclaimed,
laughing in her guileless way. " I know
what you are going to say. That was
the time you fell over the stile, running
away from the bull. And your nose
was done up in a sticking piuster, you
know : and you scratched my face with
it, sir!"
I had forgotten that circumstance ;
but what did it matter '
" Yes, Mary Jane," I said passionate
ly. " And why did my nose scratch
your face Y Because my lips were seek
ing that paradise which now"
" Gooil evening. Miss Bowles." It
was Johnson. I saw him grin in tho
moonlight, and confusion ! he had
brought his umbrella.
There was a little dancing at Twig's,
but I had no pleasure In It. My mind
was full of Johnson's umbrella. It
came before my diseased vision like Mao
bcth's dagger. I clutched at it, and I
had it not.
Time wore one. I stood at the win
dow alone, and looked at the weather.
Heavy clouds obscured the moon.
Heavy drops began to fall. Then the
temptation had me in its grip.
" His umbrella," I grasped. "I I'll
hide it."
, " It's going to be a nasty night, after
all," said a hated voice at my elbow.
" I believe only you and I have brought
umbrellas. There'll be an awful scrim
mage for cabs. Luckily we have not so
very far to walk."
' He was grinning more than ever, but
he could not have heard me. A cab
would not suit him, of course! He
wanted to walk home with Mary Jane,
slowly very slowly, so that frenzy !
I would do the deed. I would throw
his umbrella
" Oh, Sam, do take me down to re
freshments. I asked Mr. Johnson, but
he has forgotten me."
She looked up into my face so be
witching that my heart thumped as if
it was a door-knocker in the grasp of a
demon postman. He knew she was
thirsting for the claret-cup, and yet he
left her. Careless brute! What a hus
band he would make ! Whereas in me
in me slie would find
" Mary Jane," I whispered as we left
the giddy crowd that stood around the
liquids. " Mary Jane, may I see you
home V"
" If you are a good boy, perhaps you
may. But here is Mr. Johnson : and I
owe him a dance."
He took her away.but she looked back
at me with a smile. I really never saw
such an artless girl in all my life.
And now, to make assurance doubly
sure, I crept upstairs to the room where
the umbrellas had been left. The gas was
out and the window open. The melan
choly voice of divers cats seemed to pro
test against the crime, but my nerves
were firm. I could see nothing. No
matter; I knew where my enemy had
put his umbrella. I groped for It. I
grasped St by the ferruled end. Just then
a footstep startled me. I rushed to the
window, and dropped the hateful. thing
Into the black abyss below. There was
a splash. I felt a sardonic Joy. He had
brought his umbrella for fear of rain.
Welli it might do its duty in the water
butt. .1-
I listened. All was quiet. The next
room was in darkness. There could be
no one there. I went down to the re
freshment room, drank a glass of wine,
chatting awhile with Mr. Twig, and re
covered my self-possession.
Then I sought Mary Jane. Johnson
had Just crossed the room to her when I
entered. Suddenly she was seized with
a fit of coughing. I ran for a glass of
water. When I returned the coughing
became worse than ever. Yet that un
feeling monster, grinned till I thought
the corners of his mouth would meet In
the nape of the neck.
When I asked If she felt better, Mary
June went oft" again ; and presently the
cough was so bad that she had to leave
the room. I remarked to Johnson that
she must have caught cold. No doubt
she had been out on tho balcony with
him to see whether the rain had ceased.
But wait a little, my grinning friend !
Everybody waB now going away.
With a fiendish delight J saw Johnson
walk up stairs to get his hat and coat
and his Ha 1 ha I I waited till lie came
down. He was perfectly cool, and did
my eyes mock me)1 he had in bis hand
an umbrella ! I could not see the han
dle, but of course it was mine. The
fellow's Impudence staggered me. I
tore up into the room above. There was
no umbrella there! It was mine !
I went down resolved to make an
example of Johnson. He stood In the
hall leisurely putting on his glove.
" Excuso me," I said calmly, "but
you have got my umbrella."
"I think not," he replied, with his
everlasting grin.
" But you have, sir. There can be no
mistake about it. Pray, Is your um
brella handle an allgator's head in Germ
in solid silver Y"
"I think not," said Johnson, coolly.
He held up an umbrella. It was not
mine.
" I am quite ready, Sam. What is
the matter V You can't find your um
brella V Oil dear I And Mrs. Twig
says she has lent every umbrella she
has. Are you sure you brought It Y
Oh, thank you, Mr. Johnson. Good
night, Ham; Mr. Johnson will see me
home. It isn't raining much, and you
won't get wet if you run all tho way."
I don't know whether I got wet or
not. For that matter, I don't how I
got home. I believe tho Twig's thought
I had been drinking too much. Per
haps I had, or how could I have thrown
the wrong umbrella out of the window Y
It was brought to me in a pulpy condition
by young Twig, who is the smallest of
wagB. He suggested that I should adopt
a water butt and umbrella as a crest.
Johnson did propose to the "the little
Bowles" during that walk home. They
are married now. That umbrella busi
ness remains a mystery, but I am still
convinced of the artlessness of Mary
Jane.
THE BUDD FAMILY SURPRISED.
MR. BUDD picked up the paper and
began running his over it, while
his wife sat upon the opposite side of
the table, sewing. Without knowing it
Mr. Budd got to reading in the column
headed " Grape Vine Culture," and
presently he exclaimed :
" Why, hallo ! What's this?"
" What's what !" asked Mrs. Budd.
" Why, just listen to this 1 This pa
per says that wait, I'll read it to
you :
" 1 We regret to learn that our friend
Mr. Simpson, had a great deal of trouble
with his very fine Isabella.'
" Queer, isn't It V"
" What kind of trouble Y" asked Mrs.
Budd.
" Why," said Budd, " the paper says
further.
" ' Being in a very unhealthy condi
tion, and seeming to lack vitality, Mr.
Simpson made a very careful examin
ation and discovered that his Isabella
was literally covered with very small
bugs."
" Did you ever hear of such a
thing Y"
"Bugs! Covered with bugs! Why,
what on earth could have been the mat
ter with the woman Y I always thought
Mrs. Simpson was a scrupulously nice
person."
" So did I. But that's what the paper
says. Hold on ; suppose I see what else
there is about it :
" 1 Mr. Simpson was somewhat per
plexed to know what to do about the
matter, but he finally applied a wash of
carbolic acid, with good results, and he
Is now looking every day for his Is
abella to leave.'
" I don't exactly understand that."
"Leave for where Y" asked Mrs.
Budd.
"It don't say. Going away for her
health, I suppose," replied Mr. Budd.
" But there is some more still.
" 4 Mr. Simpson tied the Isabella'
why the Isabella Y" asked Mr. Budd
" tied the Isabella up to a post and"
" Tied her to a post 1" exclaimed Mrs.
Budd. " Why, I thought you said he
I wanted her to leave V" '
" That's what the pajwr says. It is
very queer, isn't it Y"
" 'fled her to a post and cut off two
of the largest limbs '
" Halloa! how's thatY cut off two of
her limbs. Incredible! Simpson must
be going mod."
" It's the most horrible thing t ever
heard of I" said Mrs. Budd. "They'll
certainly arrest him, won't they Y"
" I should think so of course. It's a
wonder he didn't kill her. But the
story Is not done yet :
" ' He performed the operation a little
too late, for his Isabella began to bleed,
and he feared that he had done a per
manent Injury.'
"I should think so. Both legs or
arms off. Permanent injury! I can't
imagine how it could be anything else
than permanent."
" It III dreadful," said Mrs. Budd.
" And here's more yet :
" ' Mr. Simpson thought wood-ashes
might do some good, so he put them all
around and gave her all the soap-suds
she could take. Up in the whole his
treatment may be regarded as judi
cious.' "That's the editor's opinion. He
must be Insane too. They'll kill that
woman, certain, if they feed her on
wood-ashes and soap-suds."
" If I were you, I'd write to the may
or about It," said Mrs. Budd.
" I think I will. But let's finish the
article:
'"Mr. Simpson declares that if he
has much more bother with the matter
he will chop his Isabella up and'
"Chop her up! Did you ever hear
such cold-blooded discussion of a possi
ble murder Y It is a disgrace to the
newspaper !"
There must certainly be something
wrong about it," said Mrs. Budd.
" No, the paper says :
" 1 He will chop his Isabella up and
burn It.'
" What does if mean Y Chop her
up and burn it ; hanged if I understand
such nonsense."
" Is that all Y" asked Mrs. Budd.
" Pretty nearly."
" Well, read the rest."
" Why, it says, let me ste. Oh, yes,
It says :
" Take It for all in all, Mr. Simpson
is convinced that the Isabella is not the
best best not the best '
"Why, pshaw, Hannah, we've been
making a mistake !"
"Not the best whatY"
" Not the best grape-vine to cultivate
In this region."
" It was only Simpson's grape-vine
after all !"
" Mr. Budd you're a fool, or you
would have known that in the first
place."
"Maybe I am! maybe I am ."said
Budd, wearily, " but I'm not as big a
fool as the man who gave such an idi
otic name to the grape-vine."
And then there was a long flash of
silence in the Budd family circle.
A Lawyer's Lovs Story.
Here's the story of an unfortuate
young lawyer. This unlucky young
wight wus head-over-heels In love with
a beautiful girl, and was about to be
married to her. On the eve of the
wedding day he was called on to de
fend an awful miscreant a man of SO,
who had poisoned his father and moth
er. The case seemed a lost one, and
when the prosecution had closed, the
young lawyer was about giving up the
struggle without an effort. Suddenly he
perceived in the far extremity of the room
his beloved and her parents, who had
come to see what stuff he was made of.
The presenco of the one he worships
changes his train of thought. He feels
that he must made a show of his talent,
and commencing his argument, rises to
highest flight of eloquence. In a word,
he succeeded in showing that the crim
inal Is an upright, virtuous and much
abused man, obtains his acquittal.
In the evening, the lawyer, with
triumphant air, calls at the house of his
future father-in-law, expecting that hi
Bucccss will insure him a warm recep
tion. To his surprise he finds the young
girl cold, and her parents much em
barrassed. He asks what this sort of
reception means.
' My friend," says he, whom the
young man had already begun to call
father-in-law' " I must tell you my
daughter loves another."
"Another! Who is the man ?"
" The good and virtuous roan whom
you, to-day, by your eloquence, restored
to society," replied the father.
A Boy's Advice.
A dear little boy was watching with
his grandma one Sabbath the people
returning from church. She pointed
one and another out to him, saying,
"This a Baptist lady, this a Methodist,"
etc , when Freddie, seven years old,
said' "Grandma, do you belong to the
Presbyterian Church Y"
"No," was the reply.
" To the Baptist Y"
"No."
" To the Methodist Y"
"No."
"Well, grandma," said he In bis
quiet, earnest way, " If I was in your
place I'd get in somewhere."
Freddie lived only a few months
louger a little mound tells the story
but bis words live after him "apples of
gold In pictures of silver."
V E G ET I NE.
mkv. J. p. ludlow, writes I
ITS Balllo Street Brook lyn, N. Y. ,Not. 14,1970.
II. H. Steven , Esq.
Desr Sir, From personal benefit received bv
Its me, si well it from personal knowledge of
those whose oures thereby seemed almost mlrao.
mom, I can most heartily Mid sincerely reomn
meml the VftUKriNK lor the complaints which
It Is outlined to ours.
jameji ludlow,
Late Pastor Calvary Church,
Baoramento, Cat.
VJEGXST I Nil.
811K KK8T8 WELL.
ni Booth Poland, Me., Oct. 11, 1"78.
Mr. II. K. Stevens.
Dear Blr, I hare been sick two years with the
liver complaint, and (luring that time have taken
a great many different medicines, but none ot
them did me any good. I was restless nights. and
had ne appetite. Since taking the VEGETINE I
rest well and relish my lood. Can recommend
the VKOKTINK (or what it has done lor me.
Yours respec (fully.
MRS. ALBERT BICKER,
Witness of the aliovn,
MR. UKOKUK M. VAUUHAN,
Medford, Mass.
VEQETINE.
GOOD FOR THE CHILDREN.
Boston Home, 11 Tyler Street,
Boston, April, 1870.
II. R, Stevens.
Dear Hlr,-We feel that the children In our
home have been greatly benefited by the VEOK.
TINE you have so klncfly given us from time to
time, especially those troubled with the Scrofula.
With respect.
MRS. N. WORMELL, Mistress
VE G ET IN 12
REV. O. T. WALKER, SAYS I
. Providence, R. I., VH Transit Street.
ii. ifc. mevwns, esq.
I feel bound to express with my signature the
iiign vaiue i piace upon your VKUUIINK. My
family have used It for the last two years. lii
nervous debility It Is Invaluable, nnd I recom.
mend It to all who may need au Invigorating, ren
ovating tonle.
O. T. WALKER,
Formerly Fastor of Bowdoln-squre Church, Bos
ton, Mass.
VEC3-ETI3STE.
NOTHING EQUAL TO IT.
South Silem, Mass., Nov. 14 1870.
Mr. If. R. Stevens.
Dear Sir, t have been troubled with Scrofula.
Canker, and Liver Complaint for three years.
Nothing ever did me any good until I oommeno-d
using the VKOIfTlNh. lam now getting along
tlrst-rate. and still using the VKMKTINK. I con.
elder there Is nothing equal to It for such com-
piaiuis. i an neartiiy nvonimenu It to every
body. Yours truly.
MBS. LIZZIE M. PACKARD,
No. 10 Lagrange Street, South Salem, Mass.
VEGETINE.
RECOMMEND IT HEARTILY.
South Boston.
Mr. Stevens.
Dear sir I have taken several bottles of your
VEGETINE, and am convinced It is a valuablh
remedy for Dyspepsia, Kidney Complaint and
General Debility of the system. I can heartly
recommend It to all sufferers from that complaint.
Yours respectfully.
. MltS. MUNROE PARKER.
VEGETINE
Prepared
H. H. STEVENS, Boston, Mass.
413t
Vegetlne Is Sold by all Druggists.
M
USSER & ALLEN
CENTRAL STORE
NEWPORT, PENN'A.
Now oiler the publlo
A RARE AND ELEGANT ASSORTMENT OP
DRESS GOODS
Consisting sf all shades suitable for the season.
BLACK ALPACCAS
AND
Mourning Goods
A SPECIALITY.
BLEACHED AND UNBLEACHED
MUSLINS,
AT VARIOUS PRICES.
AN ENDLESS SELECTION OF PRINTS!
We sell and do keep good quality of
SUGARS, COFFEES & SYRUPS,
And ererythlng under the head of
". T TT I
Machine needles and oil for all makes or
Machines.
To be convinced that our goods are
CHEAP AS THE CHEAPEST,
IS TO CALL AND EXAMINE STOCK.
49 No trouble to show goods.
Don't forget the
CENTRAL STORE,
Newport, Perry County, Pa.
TJ STATU XOTICE-Notlee is hereby jriveu
li that letters testamentary oil the estate of
I.ydla A. Mader. late ot Pemi tnp.. Ferry eouutv.
Pa., dee'd..uave bvn granted to the understgued.
residing in same town-nip.
All persons indebted tosald eetate are request
ed to make Immediate payment and those having
claims to present them duly authenticated lor
settlement to , .
I. J. HOLLAND,
July 18, 18T8-6t pd. Executor.
ADIEU AND CHILDREN will (lad a
J splendid assortment of shoes at the on
pries store of F. Mortimer.