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VOL. XII. NEW BLOOMFIELD, .PA., TUESDAY, JANUARY 15, 1878. NO. 3
An Independent Family Newspaper,
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F. MORTIMER & CO.
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Advertising rates furnished upon appli
cation. gelcit Poetry.
My brother hales my daughter's son i
My aon hla aunt despises ;
My uncle thinks hla wire's a fool,
In spile of love's disguises
For fifteen years my cousin John
Has cut his only brothor ;
And later Susan hates tho lot
Because they hate their mother.
When Uncle Thomas dines with me,
Ho makes It a condition
That he shall meet no kith or kin,
Whatever their position
And though my grandmother declares
That we should love relations,
She thinks ber niece Amelia's boys
Aro " two abominations
I've done my best to bring about
A better state of feeling,
By quoting toxts against deceit,
Ill-will, and double dealing.
But what's the use, while Cousin Tom,
With Jane and Joe and Johnny,
Aro In a plot tho hyprocrltos j
To get poor granny's money.
And while my brother William's wife
Thinks It her special duty
To snub my dear Maria Jana
Because she is "the beauty,"
And while my scandalous old aunt,
With voice like nutmeg grater,
Declares 'tis I make all the row
Good gracious bow I hate her !
Of all who bear the name, we count
No less than thirty-Buven,
Each ono of whom, of course, expects
Some day to go to heaven j
And as the families increase
In numbers quite alarming,
The prospect, when we meet above,
Is certainly not charming.
I know 'tis said that " heaven is love,"
Where mortal passion ceases,
And awoet affection, pence, and Joy
Perpetually Increases ;
But, aa " exceptions prove the rule,"
I've got a sort of notion
Then when we come together there,
There'll bo a slight commotion.
For here conventional restraints
Which never must be alighted
Like Barnum'a " happy family,"
Make us appear united j
But when I reach that other place 1
Where candor Is en regie,
If I don't have It out with aunt,
My name's not Sally Naglo.
Augustus Blinkerman's Duel.
AUGUSTUS BLINKERMAN was a
gentleman whose devotion to the
pursuits of business had so impaired his
health that he resolved to leave the
charge of his affairs in the hands of his
head clerk while he went about for a
year or two to recruit his exhausted en
ergies, and get a knowledge of the
famous places of the world besides.
He did go abroad, and was absent for
nearly two yearn, during which period
lie enjoyed a healthy and intellectual
good time. He opened his eyes, and
stared with all his might at all the won
ders of the European world, and even
gazed with great zeal upon a portion of
Western Asia, and took a blink at Egypt
and the Red Sea ; and when he reflected
upon the manner in which he had passed
the two years, during his return voyage,
he flattered himself thnt he acted like a
true Christian as well as philosopher,
having acquired botli strength and
knowledge; but alas! there was one sad
He had grown near-sighted from some
wtuse. It might be that he had stared
too much at astonishing scenery or
works of art. It might have been that
he had been kept awake of nights too
much in his travels, and had winked his
eyes weuk. It might have been this,
that, or t'other. Hut whichever it was,
he had become very dlsngreeably and
inconveniently near-sighted, and he
meditated upon the policy of wearing
spectacles as soon as he arrived home.
Hut then, considering that they would
make Mm look old and he was only
thirty-five, and unmarried lie thought
that he would defer them.
Passing through the old, familiar
streets, he was very glad to meet many
of his old friends and acquaintances ;
but he offended many, whom, being near
sighted, he did not recognize. They
thought him grown proud and cold be
cause he had been abroad ; and that he
wished to shirk their acquaintanceship.
For they saw that he looked at them,but
passed without speaking. He did ste
them; but having grown so uncomfort
ably near-sighted, he was uncertain,
and so passed. It was a very vexatious
deficiency to him, for he was of a frank,
cordial nature, and seldom waited for a
friend to speak first.
The apparent alteration In his feel
lugs exulted both angry attention and
remark. Those who thought that ho
had turned the cold shoulder upon them,
looked back, and some saw that he did
speak with others whom he met and did
happen to recognize ; and they severally
put .their own construct"';, upon his
If he chanced to pass a poor man and
stopped to chat with a rich ono, the poor
man sneered, and declared that he was
"giving himself airs because he had
made the grand tour!"
If, on the other hand, he had seemed
to ignore some wealthy acquaintance,
and that person observed that he subse
quently showed great cordiality to a
poor man, he was set down as " fond of
low company, and grown dissipated and
reckless of appearances ; probably from
being only admitted into Inferior com
pany abroad I"
Thus poor Augustus Blinkerman, ow
ing to his near-sightedness, stood be
tween two fires, and deserved neither of
The story of his unintentional ofl'enses
reached his ears, and made him feel
very much disconcerted. It wounded
him very much to think that he had
wounded others, and that they had mis
" I should say blast my eyes !' " he
thought ; " but they are already pretty
essentially blasted, I do think. But here
after, eyes or no eyes, I'm determined to
hail everybody that I think 1 know, and
run the risk, of the person's being a
stranger. I won't be misconstrued. I
shall lose all my friends. I'll nod or
speak to everybody who seems to bear
the slightest resemblance to anybody I
ever knew ; and look sharp at that."
In pursuance of this amiable resolu
tion, the near-sighted man, when he
went abroad again, found himself bow
ing till bis neck was tired, got himself
into quite a fever of anxiety, and often
found that he had saluted utter strangers,
many of whom were ill-bred, for most
of them returned no bow, and all of
them stared as if wondering who he
could be. He knew very well, but he
wondered what kind of people they
" They might at least have the decency
to return a civil bow," thought he "even
if it did come from a stranger who had
made a mistake. And how do they
know but what I am the Great Mogul 'i
But there comes a man that I am sure I
know. Hoy are you Bob t How do
The person to whom he addressed
himself thus familiarly extending his
hand with the most confident cordiality
at the same time drew himself up very
haughtily, and replied :
"Sir, my name is not Bob 1 And what
is more, sir, I don't know you I"
" Ha, ha ! That's a good joke, Bob
Lodger. At your old games, I see, You
needn't think I've forgot you, if I have
been away two years. But no nonsense,
now. How's the old lady ? And how
have you been V"
" If you don't get out of my way, sir,
I'll be hanged if I don't knock you
down !" exclaimed the stranger, highly
exasperated. "You don't look drunk,
but you act bo. You can't make a fool
of me, at any rate."
" Nor you of me, Bob. Do you think
I don't recognize that long ntjse of
yours y Do you think I don't remem
ber that paunch V Do you suppose I
forget the time when we went to school
together, and used to prompt each
other V And do you remember the time
when you got flogged for stealing an ap
ple off the master's desk in Joke V"
" Get out of the way, you blackguard,
or I'll flog you In earnest!" cried the
excited man, shoving him aside and
passing on. " You can't play any of
your tricks upon me."
"Well, really," muttered Blinker
man, " I thought I knew him. Curse
these eyes ! They'll wl!l be death of me
yet. But I never saw such a striking
resemblance in my life. A blind man
would have mistaken him for Bob
Lodger! Well, well. Ila! But hero
conies somebody that I know ! I'll let
him pass, to see If be will forget or re
It was an elderly gentleman, In a
white neckcloth very slim ntid genteel
very tall and straight.
Ho passed by Itllnkernuui as if his
head was In the clouds, and ho was
studying astronomy. As soon as he had
passed, Bllukermun with n chuckle,
turned, and gave him a hearty punch in
the back. 1
With a cry of pain the elderly gentle
man instantly turned to see who had
assaulted him ; and squared off, savage
ly,.n soon as he saw JlllnUcrnian, cry-
" Come on, you rascal ! I'll fix your
" And bo, Richard Dawler, you don't
me, ch V" exclaimed the Jocose Augus
tus, seizing one of the fists and shaking
it, much against the man's will.
" Stand off!" let me alone. I wish
there "was a policeman here. Don't
touch me! Who are yon V
" It can't be possible that I have made
another mistake, can it?" muttered
Blinkermnn. " For God's sake, tell
me ! Are you, or are you not, Richard
Dawler, that keeps the soap and candle
manufactory V If I am mistaken, for
give me,befoie I go and cut my throat!"
" You may cut your throat as soon as
you please ; for I am no Richard Daw
ler, and I despise soap and candles ! You
have nearly broken my back, and If I
had a watch I should think I hndn't it,
for I believe you're a pickpocket !"
And the counterpart of Richard Daw
ler walked off, in high dudgfon, feeling
of his aching back.
" I'm glad 1 hit him hard," thought
Blinkerman, spitefully, "for saying
what he said. Pickpocket ! Great
heaven ! What's the world coming to t
Where is my sight going to? I believe,
when I was asleep in Syria, gome devil
must have put false eyes into my skull,
to mislead me for tho balance of my
life. Bless me ! Here comes Augusta
Morvllle, and and It is Adelaide
Fltchwlng ; sweet Addle I both escorted
by a strange gentleman. I'll relieve
him of Addie, and take a walk with
them. I always thought a great deal of
Addle. ' I wonder if she would have me
for her husband, I Good morning, Miss
Fitchwing ! Good morning, Miss Mor
vllle! I suppose you are surprised to
see me here."
All three of the parties looked embar
rassed. Neither knew him. The gen
tlemen looked from one to the other of
the ladies, and they at him, and all three
at Blinkerman, but none of them smiled.
"Delightful morning Isn't itV On
the strength of old familiarity, Addie,
and my long absence, let me intrude
myself into your society, If you are out
for only a promenade, and this gentle
man will excuse it, no doubt ; and I will
tell you something of what I have seen
" You are greatly mistaken. I don't
know you !" replied she, blushing and
looking a little frightened.
" Olio !" returned Blinkerman, some
what nettled at previous rebuffs, but
more so now that, as he thought,he was
perfectly sure he was right. " Wish to
forget me, doubtless. 1 don't forget so
easily. If you don't remember me,
then all I've got to say Is, If you ever
get married It won't do for your husband
to go away as fur as California."
He meant this partly as badinage, and
partly as reproof; for he thought the
supposed Adelaide ignored him for the
Bake of deceiving her gallant, a new
beau, probably. But he reckoned
"The Insolent wretch!" whispered
" Sir, there's my card!" quickly and
sternly exclaimed the companion of the
ladles. " You have Insulted them and
me. You shall hear from me to-morrow."
Expostulation was out of the question.
The gentleman was peremptory ; and
Blinkerman, forced to give his card,
found himself alone in a moment more,
card in hand.
" Well, If ever ! A duel In prospect!
1 Ethan Allen Gray.' Got a good name.
But It will be no satisfaction to me to be
shot by a man with a good name. Dear
me ! I never thought that Ethan Allen
would ever have a shot at me, or that I
should wait till I was near-sighted, be
fore I was called upon to fight a duel.
Never mind ; I hope, if I do fall, that he
will hit me in the eyes, for they have
caused all the mischief. It appears to
me, since I came back, that almost
everybody is either avoiding or rebuking
me. What have I done '( It never was
so before. I must have been slandered
while abroad. It is true that I have not
always been circumspect. But they
didn't know. Besides, I was no worse
than others. I wonder what kind of a
challenge the fellow will send. I'll re
fuse it at first, at any rate; even if his
name is Gray, with an Ethan Allen
On the following day he received a
challenge,' briefly worded, for offering an
audacious, unmistakable, premeditated
insult to two young ladles, the offense
lielng oggravated by being committed in
the presence of their protector. That
protector now demanded the satisfaction
due to a gentleman.
He wrote an apology, refuslng,and ex
plaining that he was near-sighted.
He was answered that his subterfuge
was useless. He must come to the field
" I won't ! I won't be a fool ! It's too
bad to lose one's life because one's got
confounded near-sighted eyes !"
Accordingly, in great anxiety, he
called at the residence of Ethan Allen
Gray and rang.
The gentleman who chanced to come
to the door was the chosen second of
Gray; and Blinkerman' imagined him
to be an apothecary. and old friend of his
and claimed both his acquaintance and
intercession on the spot, as soon as he
The man denied all knowledge of him,
and thought he was timid, and trying to
tamper and humbug him. " He had
never been an apothecary, and his name
wag Bludge. He was prepared to settle
the preliminaries. Mr, Gray felt it in
delicate to appear."
" Settle thed 1 1" exclaimed Blink
erman, exasperated. "Are you deter
mined to force me to fight, after I have
explained that I am near-sighted!"
" Ha, ha I" laughed Bludge.
"Don't laugh!" said Blinkerman, in
dignant at this implied doubt of his
courage. "I'll accept."
" If you don't, prepare for disgrace."
" Pistols, then," cried the nearsight
ed man, desperately.
Time and place were agreed upon, and
Blinkerman promised, without further
ceremony, to bring his second along
with him and then left.
" Murdered for my eyes," he mur
mured, as he passed along the streets.
On the way, fate and his eyes would
have it, he fell in with another imagin
ed "old friend," and asked him if he
would favor him with a word in private.
Blinkerman explained that be had
been challenged for an unintentional in
sult to two ladies, and, apology being re
fused, he hoped "his friend" would be
his second. He said nothing about his
"Ouly a niittake of mine!" said he.
" Will you be my second V"
" No I" said the man gruflly. "I don't
know you. I'll have you arrested. I'm
Blinkerman looked at him in dismay
and then darted off, like "an arrow from
a Tartar's bow."
" Two troubles now," groaned he. " I
must avoid the officers, and must not
avoid the duel ; else my character will
be worth less than my eyes confound
them both ! I hope I shall not shoot at
the wrong person I"
Procuring the pistols, and keeping
shy, he determined to repair to the field
without a second. And he did so. It
was at sunrise. The opposite parties
were there, with a carriage and surgeon.
" I am ready!" said the excited Blink,
erman. " I have got no second. I want
none. I see that I am fated to die, on ".
account of my blundering eyes. Might
as well die without assistance."
" My dear sir," replied Ethan Allen
Gray, coming forward, and extending
his hand, " if you will accept an apology
from mo, I offer it ! We have made in
quiries as to who you are, and your
character, and we aro satisfied that you
are a man of honor."
"And near-sighted ?" said Blinker
man. "And near-sighted," asserted Gray.
They shook hands.
" Then permit me the pleasure of fir
ing a salute In honor of this happy rec
onciliation !" said Blinkerman, firing
all the pistols in the air.
He now accepted an Invitation to dine
with Mr. Gray, and the parties entered
the carriage and were conveyed to that
gentleman's house, where a bon-a-ffde
acquaintanceship was soon formed be
tween the two young ladles and the
near-sighted Mr. Augustus Blinkerman.
It proved to be an extremely agreea
ble one to all parties ; and so much so
to the young lady who so closely resem
bled Miss Adelaide Fitchwing that
that, shortly, in short, they were mar
ried, and now bid fair to live a long
life in clover.
But though brave enough to fight a
duel and to get married, the near-sighted
man, distrustful of his eyes, has
grown timid and reserved whenever he
walks the streets. He may be seen In
them every day, never speaking or bow
ing first to anybody; and beta never
seen without his spectacles.
He Would Tell.
She had Invited him to stop to sup
per and he was trying to appear easy
and unconcerned, while she was on her
"Have you used the sugar, John?"
inquired the mother, In a winning man
ner. "John don't want no sugar," ejacu
lated the young heir, abruptly.
"Why not?" inquired the father,
curiously, while John, in his surprise,
swallowed a bit of toasted crust, and
nearly cut his throat open. '
" Cos he don't," explained the heir, in
an artful manner. I head hira tell Mary
las' night "
"You keep still," interrupted Mary ,in
a hysterical manner, while the young
man caught his breath in dismay.
" I heard him say," persisted the heir,
with fearful eagerness, " that she was
bo sweet he shouldn't need use no sugar
any more an' then he kissed her, an' I
said I'd tell, an'
The young heir was lifted out of the
room by his ear, and the supper was
finished in moody silence.
A Herte Story.
An American clergyman, who is in
the habit of preaching in different parts
of the county, was not long since, at a
country hotel where he observed a
horse-dealer trying to take in a simple
gentleman, by imposing upon him a
wind-broken horse for a sound one. The
parson knew the bad character of the
dealer, and, taking the gentleman aside,
told him to be cautious of the person he
was dealing with. The gentleman de
clined the purchase, and the deaier.quite
nettled, observed :
" Parson, I had much rather hear you
preach than see you privately interfere
between man and man In this way."
" Well," replied the parson, " if you
had been where you ought to have been
last Sunday, j-ou might have heard me
"Where was that?-' inquired the
" In State Prison," returned the cler
gyman. What a Paper Cost.
It costs less than half a cent a day to
take a weekly paper ; less than a dili
gent hen would earn in a month at the
market price of eggs ; less than a cigar
a fortnight,anda very cheap one at that ;
less than the barber would charge by the
year to keep one's hair trimmed ; less
than a good sized Christmas turkey;
less than an energetic kitchen girl will
waste in a week. A penny a day can be
saved in many a better way than stop,
ping your paper.