THE TIMES, NEW KLOOMEIELT), 1A., JULY 2J, 1877.
Spiikins Has a Mishap.
OUlt Inestimable neighbor ntul lrleiul,
Mr. Jeiledliih Bpllklris Is ft member
of the noblp order of Meandering Mo
hawks, and fttteiuls with great regulari
ty the weekly meetings of the lodge.
At times they are culled meetings, say
to bury n brother M. M ; or he Is on u
commute, bo that many evenings of this
Holier minded grocer are occupied by the
M. M.'b, much to the wrath and discom
fort of Mrs. Hpllklns, who does not ap.
prove of ' men brutes," as she styles
the lords of creation, "gettin' oil' by
thelrselves" In ft secretive way.
" No tellin' what they're up to on
them occasions," she remarks.
One thing that aggravates the disorder
Is thnt Hpllklns takes Bomethlng at these
meetings of the Meandering Mohawks,
noble red men, that flies to his legs and
strangely affects Ids speech, bo that she
would think he was drunk only Deacon
ftnorton who Is also a brother Mohawk,
assures her that no liquor is allowed at
the lodge, and then at all other times
Brother Hpllklns Is as steady and sober
as a Judge Humphries.
Mrs. 8pllkins, however, got to be so
exasperated at the frequency of these
tneetings and the shaky condition of Ihu
grocer, that Bhe undertook (heir suppres
sion by depriving hlin of the night key.
Borne nights after, this courageous wom
an, who, like all other married ladles,
has been for years looking for a man
under the bed, was awakened by some
one breaking In the house over the
kitchen shed, and, arming herself hasti
ly with a poker, she made the window
just In time to meet a man's head com
ing in at this orlfleo of their edifice.
JCothing but a thick felt hat saved Hpll
klns from an immediate and violent
death. As It was, ho went among Ids
customers nursing a lump on the outer
eurfaoe of his Intellect that resembled In
size and shape a goose egg done In baa
relief.
Mrs. Hpllklns, not wishing to murder
the father of her Innocent children, re
stored him his night key, with an ad
dress on the occasion that we regret was
dot reported, for it was a sweet bit of el
oquent utterance, that B. said after, took
about an hour in passing any one
point.
Our friend find neighbor continued his
regular-irregular attendance upon the
Meandering M.'b, a purely social and
charitable Institution, until one nightor
rather one morning for the Iron tongue
of time had told the witching hour when
graves do yawn, according to Bhakes
peare we suppose from being bored
when this estimable citizen and tax-payer
worked his way into his own and
wife's sleeping apartment. This was no
easy work, as he wished to seek his
couch without disturbing the partner of
his domestic joys and sorrows. Under
these circumstances the total depravity
of inanimate things is really amazing.
There was, as there always is, a rocker
of a chair waiting In grim silence for
the fatal shin. Spilkins collided on this,
aud suddenly drawing up his limbs, ut
tered a profane expression. Mrs. S.,now
awake, heard in wrath that profanity in
the presence of her innocent babe. Bhe
heard, immediately after, her liege lord
working his way, apparently over an
, exceedingly rough country, in a north
easterly direction. He seemed to be go
ing, over tables and chairs, to a ward
robe, which he appeared to be assaulting
with Ins bead. Jrom this supposed
point, so far as latitude and longitude
could be learned under the circum.
stances, the tumultuous creature appear
ed to be moving in a southerly direction
He seemed to be wrestling for a time
with a dressing bureau. After, he tried
conclusions with a coal scuttle, and
then followed a dead silence. Mrs. Spll
11 A. Al f . i
Kins iouk mis occasion io make a re
mark:
" You drunken brute," she said, in
enforced calmness, " are you going to
break everything in the house V"
No response came.
" What's the matter with you what
Las come of your jaw r"
This brought forth only a groan that
alarmed Mrs. Spilkins. Had S., grocer,
a fit ?"
Why don't you answer V" she scream
ed, at the risk of waking the baby.
"Anner Marier Spilkins," solemnly
hiccoughed Spilkins. " I've gone and
done it." , (
"Do iie what?"
, ' Done murder 1"
"What?"
" I gone (hie) and sot on the (hie) baby
and I can't (hie) get up," and Spilkins
burst into tears.
Mrs. Spilkins, an extremely active
woman, sprang from the bed as if an
ounce of dynamite had been exploded
under her somewhat substantial person
She landed on the floor with a bound.
Her firs impulse was to rush Jn the
dark to a place from whence issued the
sobs of Spilkins, but a wall from the in
fant Bpilklns in another direction at
that instant satisfied her that there was
a mistake somewhere. . With trembling
nana sue scrucK sixteen matches, break
lug the luclfeis and burning her fingers,
before she could start the gas. When
that bad article of Washington manu
facture flashed upon the scene Mrs. H.
was startled.
Hlie saw, squirming and crying In his
cradle, llutherford 11. II. Hpllklns, en.
tlrely uninjured, and on the other side
of the stove the father of this promising
Infant calmly seated In the bread truy.
What followed so belongs to the so-
ered privacy of domestic life that we
feel It would bo sacrilege to dwell upon It.
Suffice It to Bay that this frugal house-
wlfe, Bclzlng Mr. H. by the nape of the
neck, threw him, face downward upon
the floor, and proceeded with ft case
knife to replace the damaged dough In a
way to make her better and somewhat
damaged half solemnly swear never to
attend another lodge meeting of the
Meandering Mohawks.
Is It Luck.
Mil. JOIINHON said, "that for his
part he hud always noticed that
people went up Just as high as the pow
er Inside of them would push them."
" Yes," said Miss Hunt, " as ft general
thing we make our own fortunes. Kach
one carves for himself, or for herself, his
niche to stand In. 1 can see how my
scholais make laees for themselves In
the estimation of the school, some by
their good-heartedness, some by their
untruth, some by their meanness, some
by their Jollty, and so on.
" I knew a young man," said Allen,
" who went Into a lurge dry-goods store,
and In a very short time he was made
head salesman. Borne people said what
n lucky fellow I One day 1 was speak
ing of this to the proprietors. They
said thnt luck had nothing to do with
his case, but that he had In him exactly
the qualities which made a ilrst-rato
salesman. Take notice that they said
in htm.' lluslness being dull, several
of the clerks were dismissed. One of
them I'll call him Hon was ft particu
lar friend of mine; an honest steady
fellow. I asked one of the proprietors
how he happened to select hlin to send
away. " Oh," said lie, " there s no bnp-
penlug in these matters any more than
there Is luck. In ordinary times we
should have kept lien, but in times like
these we keep those who are the most
valuable to us. Hen did all that was
strictly required of him, but nothing
more, He never exerted himself for the
interest of the firm, as he was particular
not to work over hours. As wo cannot
keep all, we spare those wlro can best be
spared. He said he supposed It would
be Just the same in a milliner's or n
dressmaker's establishment. In dull
times the best workers are surest of stay
ing. " You know how it is aboard ship
in a gale," said he, " the least necessary
articles are thrown over." Why, take
even servant girls ; a good one is always
sure of a good place."
" We might put it the .other ways,
said Miss Cindy, " and say a good
girl."
" I don't believe this matter depends
altogether upon luck," said Miss Hunt,
" My Aunt Catharine says and she
speaks from experience and observation
that if a woman is herself what she
ought to be and knows how to manage
her help, and how to treat them, they
would fulfill their duties as well as the
rest of mankind fulfill theirs. But some
women are fussy, and some are fault
finding, and some expect too much, and
some are ignorai, and some are domi-
neerlng,and some have no consideration
in piling on the work; and these are
the ones, Aunt Catharine says, who are
always complaining that they have no
luck with help."
" Eunice and I were saying the other
day," said Allen, " that whosoever has
a good article finds a good market for
it. A peddler came to our house with
extra nice butter. We had butter
enough, but bought Bome of his because
It was extra nice. The people in the
next house did the same, and for the
same reason. Generally speaking, It is
just so with other things. If a painter
has a first-rate picture he can sell it. If
a writer has a first-rate poem, or essay
or story, some publisher will want it.
If a carpenter is a first-rate workman
he'll find work plenty. If a professor
excels in mathematics, or chemistry, or
philosophy, or any other science, some
college will be In a, hurry to get hold of
him. If a man has business talent and
good Judgment, and a reputation for
uprightness, mercantile establishments
will overbid each other to secure him.
If a young man has ability, energy, in
legnty, activity and industry some
business firm or some master-workman
will pay for his services." Cottage
Hearth.
Why do It?"
There is in the Missouri penitentiary
a man whose parents at death left
him a fortune of $50,000. There's where
his parents made a fatal mistake.
they had taken the precaution to Invest
that $50,000 In a small dog and then shot
the dog and had simply left the young
man a Jackplane or wood saw, with
instructions how to use It, the chances
are that Instead of being in the peniten
tiary he would to-day have gradually
been slowly working his way to a hand
some competency and an honorable old
ago. But ever since the days of Adam
and Eve, parents have made It a point
to toll and struggle all their lives in
order to purchase, when they are dead
and gone, their sons each a first-class
through ticket to the devil, and It, Is not
much to bo wondered at that so many
sons reared in vice and Idlenesses too
many of them often are have no high
er ambition than to Invest their In
heritance In Just that sort of transporta
tion.
A Duel with Pills.
NEAR Dublin lived a beautiful young
lady, rich ns she was beautiful. Of
course she was beloved and sought by
many suitors, and among them were a.
lawyer ami ft doctor. The latter was
tho favorite of the lady, and consequent
ly the disciple of Demosthenes wan
ealous of the follower of jEsculaplus.
The former Initiated a quarrel with tho
latter, who applied an Insulting epithet
to hlin, whereupon the lawyer challeng
ed the doctor and ho, therefore, had the
cholco of weapons. yEsculaplus chose
that with which ho may have killed
many a patient, In addition to writing
the death warrants in Latin prescrip
tions, namely, pills.
Demosthenes was Indignant , but, was
answered by his opponent that those
were his weapons, with which he had
fought even death hlmsclf,aiid he would
fight with no others. Upon consulta
tion the seconds decided that the chal
lenged party, from time Immemorial,
had the choice of weapons ; and a right,
if It was his selection, to fight with
pitchforks or twenty-four pounders.
The day and place was arranged, and
tho manner of tho duel was as follows
There was two pill boxes, one white the
other black life In one, death In the
other a terrible alternative. The
duellists were to be blindfolded, the pill
boxes to he placed In a hat, well shaken
before taken, as Is customary with phys
ic. The challenged party to draw first ;
he did, and the doctor obtained the fatal
black box, tho opponent lawyer the
white. The pills were to be swallowed
within five minutes after thodrawlng.
1 he doctor solemnly gave directions for
the disposal of his property, and Instant
ly upon a signal, each swallowed his al
lotted pill. The luwycr, stood erect and
smiling, as he saw the doctor fall to the
earth, in all the agonies caused by the
fatal pill. He finally ceased to breathe.
The lawyer, however, became frighten
ed at the death of his opponent, and by
such an unusual duel, and was advised
at once, with second and surgeon, to
Journey to France to escape the penalty
of the English law, which prevailed also
in Ireland.
They took the advice and were oft"
like rockets, without even taking leave
of the fallen physician. Scarcely were
they out of sight, when, like Antieas,up
sprung the doctor from his mother earth
refreshed, and not injured, announced
his own safety to his lady love, married
her the same day, and lived the hap
piest of the happy.
" How did he recover V" Why I both
pills were made of pure flour, the bread
of lifo, and not death. His skill, acting
and imagination fought and won his
victory matrimonial. He was regarded
thereafter as the best bred (bread) physi
cian in Dublin, and his patients increas
ed accordingly ; while the lawyer ceased
to have clients, from having lost the
chief suit of his life.
HOW A PREACHER WAS FLEECED.
A FEW days ago a Methodist clergy,
man of Kentucky occupied a seat
in the smoking car of a train on
Southern road. He sat quietly smoking
a cigar, evidently In profound thought
when a stranger sauntered up, and.drop
plng a large gold-headed cane by the
clergyman, stooped down, picked It up
and then, begging pardon for intruding.
sat down in the scat with the religious
gentleman. The stranger spoke of poll
tics, and, complimenting Hayes' South
em policy very much, soon had a good
friend in the parson, to whom he ex
plained matters in Louisiana, giving
that State as his home. The minister
said he seldom troubled himself with
matters political, on account of his
cleslastlcal position.
ec
" Just so," said tne ouier, -you are
right. I have been a member of that
grand old church, the Presbyterian, for
twenty-five years. I like It and I love
it, but sometimes, I can't well resist tak
lng a hand In politics." '
The conversation ran on thus for
some time, when a man , roughly clad
witn a large broad-nrimmea hat came
up. He hailed from Texas,and said half
the folks down his way did not know
who was President. He then remarked
that the other half hadn't heard whelh
er the war was over. This made , the
preacher laugh, and also the gentleman
from Louisiana.
The minister spoke to the Texan, ask
Ing hlin when he would return to the
Lone Star Slate. The answer was, as
soon as he could see some " kin folks"
up In Iowa. He did not like any spot
but Texas. Elsewhere the people could
not ride a pony a hundred yard with
out letting down fences and opening
gates. It was his first time away from
home so far and would also be his last.
He had told his "pap" that he did not
want to come over with steers,but pap'
said I must come, and I had to mind
him, for he Is older than I am."
" Bo you brought over the cattle, did
you V said Louisiana.
"Oh, yes," said Texas, "over two
hundred head. They were sold In New
Orleans. All big formed steers, as fat as
butter."
" What did you get for them V" asked
Louisiana
"Three and ft half cents ft pound ; but
them fellers down there are the smartest
traders I ever saw. They can tell every
hair In a critter's hide, so they can 1 I
would have done well, but you Bee I
fooled off $ 100 before I got away.'
Dear me," said the preacher ; " how
did you fool It off, as you say ?"
Well," continued Texas, " I am al
most ashamed to tell you ; but howsum-
ever, I'll not say a word about It when I
get home, for the cow-boys would all
laugh at me."
Don't he afraid to tell us," remarked
the divine.
" I got to gambling"
"Ah!" Interrupted the preacher;
"that Is awful : and did you know that
It was very wicked to gamble V"
"Why, no ; all of us boys In Texas
play seven-up."
" For money V" usked Louisiana.
" Yes," responded Texas.
" That's dreadful 1" said Louisiana
" Very," put In Texas
" This was a new game," Texas pro.
ceeded to say. " I never saw Itbefore.
Here Is the man's cards, and here is
how I lost my money. When I get
home I will win all the cow-boy's mon
ey, but not tell them I lost any;
oh, no I"
Texas then showed how the man in
New Orleans had done. The others
looked on with Interest, and as they
laughed over his loss, Texas said they
needn't be so smart ; they themselves
couldn't tell the card with the baby on
it for $50. The preacher and Louisiana
designated this card successfully from
among the others several times. Texas
seemed angry, and said he'd bet $5 they
couldn't do it again. Louisiana said
Bomethlng to the minister about not be
lieving in betting, but would win $50
and donate it to his church, provided
the young man would throw away his
cards and promise to bet no more. The
young man said he would, and up went
the $100. Louisiana won, and the preach,
cr laughed so heartily that Texas turned
to him and said :
" I'll try you ono, and then stop the
infernal business. Your friend's a store
keeper and a bit too smart for me."
"Take $50 out of him and double it
to your church, as I shall do," said
Louisiana,
The preacher put out $50, and Texas
observing he had considerable more, re
marked
" I'll do as you say after this, and
throw away these cards, but I want to
bet $100. I've just lost that much and
want it back. I can't go any less
So up went the $100 and over wen
the card, but not the right one. The
preacher had lost, and Texas picked up
$200 and walked away laughing.
The Louisiana gentleman was the
well-known Ueorge Uevol, and he from
Texas,C'anada Bill No. 2, both as shrewd
confidence men as are within the land
A Scotch Story.
A certain minister having become
much addicted to drink, his presbytery
had to Interfere, and get the minister to
sign the pledge. The result was that the
sudden reaction was too much for him
he became so ill that the doctor was sen
for. The doctor said he must begin to
take his toddy again. This the minis,
ter said he could not do as he'd taken the
pledge. The doctor replied that he might
get a bottle or two quietly, and nobody
but their own selves and the housekeep-
would know it. " Man," said the min
ister, " my housekeeper is worse than
all the presbytery put together, so that
would not do."
However it was arranged that the
doctor should bring the whiskey and
sugar, and that the minister was to
make up the toddy in his bedroom with
the hot water he got for shaving pur
poses in the morning.
The result was the minister soon got
well, and one day on going out, the
doctor said to the minister's housekeep
er: Well, Margaret your minister is
quite himself again." ,
" There's nae doubt in that, sir," she
replied, " he's quite well in body, but
there's something gane wrong wl' his
upper story."
" What's there, Margaret !" asked the.
doctor.
" Well, sir, I dinna ken, but he asks
for shaving water six or seven times
day."
KCIIEXCK'S 8EA WEED TOXIC.
In the atmosphere experienced here during
summer month., the lothnriry produced by the
uent lanes away the desire for wnolcsnme lood.
nd frequent perspirations reduce bodily ener
gy, particularly those suffering from tlie cITects
of debilitating; diseases. In order to keep a
natural healthful activity of tlie system, we
must resort to artificial mean. For tills pur
pose Bclionck'e Bea Weed Tonic la very effectu
al. A fow doses will create an appetite and
give fresh vigor to tlie enervated body. For
Dyspepsia, it Is Invaluable. Many eminent
physicians have doubted whether dyspepsia
can be permanently cured iiy tlie drugs which
are generally employed for that purpose. The
noa weed ionic in us nature is totally aider
ent from such drug. It contains no corrosive
minerals or acids In fact It assists the regular
operations of nature, and supplies her deficien
cies. 7 he tonic In Its nature so much resem
bles the gastric Juice that It Is almost Identi
cal with that fluid. Tho gastric juice Is the
natural solvent which. In a healthy condition
of the body, causes thu food to be digested ,
ana wnen mis juice is not excreted In nulllclent
quantities, Indigestion, with all Its distressing
symptoms, follows. The Bea Weed Tonic per-
lorms tne duty or the gastrin Juice when the
latter Is deficient. Bcuenck'a Bea Weed Tonic
sold by all Druggists. 27 4t
VEGETI N E
19 MY FAMILY
I WISH NO OTIIEIt.
rKOrinRNcn, April 7. JSTfl.
MR.H.lt. Stbvrns Dear Hlr i When 1 wn
about 8 years of age a humorbroke out upon me.
wtn;ii my iimmrr men 10 cure nygmngme heru
tens and all other sued remedies at she knew of,
but It continued to crow worse, until flnnllv she
consulted a physician and he said I had tlie salt
rneum, nnu uociorea tne ior mat complaint. He
relieved me some, hut said I could not he perma-
iinmij cmru u ma uint:ut) uriKUlUieil III 1110
IjIiiimI. I remained a great sufferer for several
years, until I heard of and consulted a physician,
who said 1 had the scrofulous humor and l( I
would allow him to doctor me he would cure me.
I did so, and lie commenced healing up my sores
and succeeded In elTectlng an external cure, but
In a short time the disease appeared again In a
worse lorin man ever, as cancerous nuuior upon
mv limes, throat and head. I snlfeted the most
terrible Pain, and there seemed to be no remedy,
and my friends thought 1 must soon die, when my
niieiiMon w i-unru, wime rending a newspaper,
toa VKOKTINK testimonial of Mrs. Waterliouse,
No. 8fi4 Athens fit., Houth Iloston, and I, formerly
residing In Houth Iloston and being personally ac
quainted with her and knowing her former feeble
iiemiii. i coiicmiuoq i would iry me vegetlne.
After I had taken a few bottles It seemed to force
the sores out of my system. I had running sores
in my ears wnicn ior a lime were very pal niui.nuc
I continued to take the Vegetlne until I had
taken about twenty-live bottles, my health Im
proving all the time from the commencement of
the first bottle, and the sores to heal. I com
menced taking the Vegetlne In 1872, and contin
ued Its constant use for 6 months. At the n res
ent time my health Is better than It, has oeen
since i wan a cniiu. me vegetlne is what neieu
me, and I most cordially recommend It to all suf
ferers, especially my friends. Iliad been a suf
ferer fof over thirty years, and until I used the
Vefetlne, I found no remedy ; now I use It as my
faithful medicine, and wish no other.
Mrs. R. O. COOPER,
No. 1 Joy Street, Providence, It. I.
VEQETINE.
The range of disorders which yield to the Influ
ence of this medicine, and the number of defined
diseases which It never falls to cure, are greater
than any other single medicine has hitherto been
even recommended for by any other than the pro
prietors of some quack nostrum. These diseases
are Bcrofula and all eruptive dlseasesand Tumors
Rheumatism, Gour, Neuralgia, and Bplnal Com
plaints and all inflammatory symptoms ! Ulcers,
all Syphilitic diseases. Kidney and bladder dis
eases, Dropsy, the whole train of painful disor
ders which so generally altllct American women,
and which carry annually thousands of them to
premature graves Dyspepsia, that universal
curse of American manhood, Heartburn, files.
Constipation, Nervousness, Inability to sleep, and
Impure blood. This Is a formidable list of human
ailments for any single medicine to successfully
attack, and It is not probable that any one artf
clebefore the public has the power to cure the
quarter of them except Vegetlne. It lays the axe
at the root of the tree of disease by first elimina
ting every Impurity from the blood, promoting
the secretions, opening the pores the great es
cape valves of the system Invigorating the liver
to Its full and natural action, cleansing the stom
ach and strengthening digestion. This much ac
complished, the speedy and the permanent cure
of not only the diseases we have enumerated, but
likewise the whole train of chronlo and constitu
tional disorders. Is certain to follow. This is pre
cisely what Veget lne does, and it does It so quick
ly, and so easily, that it is an accomplished fact
almost before the patient it aware ot it himself.
IicHt Xtenictly in tlie JLmI.
LiTTi.i! Falls, N. Y., Sept. 23d, 176.
Mr. II. R. Htkvens : Dear Hlr I desire to state
to you that I was afflicted with a breaking out of
blotches and pimples on my face and neck for
several years. I nave tried many remedies, but
noe cured the humor on my face and neck.
After using two or three bottles of your Vegetlne
the humor was entirely cured. I do certainly be
lieve it is the best medicine for all impurities of
the blood that there Is In the land, and should
highly recommend It to the afflicted public.
Truly lours, P. PEKKINK, Architect.
Mr. Perrlne Is a well-known architect and
builder at Little Kails, N. Y., having lived there
aud in the vicinity for the last &i years. 23 lm
Prepared by H.R. Stevens, Boston,Mass.
Vegetlne Is Sold by All Druggists.
100,000
FACTS FOR THE PEOPLE.
Facts for the Farmer Facts for the Merchant
Facts for the Horseman Facts for the Mock,
raiser Facts for the Poultry-keeper Facts for
the Bee-keeper Facts for the Lawyer Facts for
the Laborer Facts for the Fruit-raiser Facts for
the Gardener Facts for the Doctor Facts for
the Dairyman Facts for the Household Facts
for every family who wants to save money.
FACTS FOR AGENTS.
That this Is the most Important advertisement
for you yet published, being the best chance to
make money ever ottered. The press endorses It,
your own paper endorses lt,e very one endorses it.
THE BOOK OF THE 19th CENTURY.
Male and female agenu coining money on it.
Bend to us at once and get circulars free. IN
GHAM, HMITH& BLACK, 731 Walnut Utreet.
Philadelphia. Pa. 151-tt.
JJEATHER &C.
THK subscriber baa now on hand at
LOW PKICES,
Good Sole Leather,
Kip of Superior Quality,
Country Calf Skins,
' French Call,
LININGS, ROANS, &c. ,
F, Mortimer,
; KKW BLOOM FIELD, f A. .
J' OB P1URTIXG of every description neatly
and promply executed at Keasonabta Kales,
at the BUooiuaold lime eteain Job Utite.