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liiniiifiiiiir.jiM'.'iij'n miiiiiiniiwn1!' -
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VOL. XL
NTSW llLOOMimSID, 1JV., TUESDAY, -TULY 1 0, 1877.
NO. 27.
THE TIMES.
An liidpnpiideiil Family Newspaper,
18 Pl'nUSIIEI) EVEUT TUESDAY BT
R MORTIMEU & (X).
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Wltliln tlio Comity ?1 2r.
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catlon. Hclcdt 'Pocti'y.
THE CONFESSION.
There's somewhat on my breast, father,
There's sotnowhnt on my breast,
The live-long day I sigh, father,
At night I ennnot rent
I cannot tnko my rest, father,
Tho' I would fain do so,
A weary weight opprejneth me
A weary weight of woo I
'TIj not tho lack of gold, lather,
Nor lack of worldly pear,
My lands nro broad and fair to see,
My ft lends nro kind and dear
My kin nro renl and true, father,
They mourn to see my grief
But oh 1 'tis not a kinsman's hand
Can give my heart relief!
'TIs not that Janet's falBc, father,
'Tls not that she's nnklnd
Though buoy flattorcrs'swarm around,
I know her constant mind. ,
'Tls not her coldness, father,
That chills my laboring breast
It's that confounded cucumber
I've ato and can't digest.
. THEMULE.
A Humorous Review of this Unique Animal.
T 1112 MULE is the only animal Unit
" Noah didn't take into the ark with
hint.1 I have looked over the freight Hut
carefully, and could not see a mule wny.
billed for any place. Bo clear-liended a
man as Noah did not dare to take ono
on board, as he knew ho would kick a
hole through her lu less than a week.
I don't know u man on whose head you
ould pour quicksilver and run less risk
if Its spilling oil" than on Noah's. He
was a dreadful level-headed man, and
tefore the freshet was over everybody on
nrth realized tho fact.
The origin of the mule is envelpped In
i good deal of mystery. Tradition in
onus us that when the flood had sub-
ided, and the ark had landed on Mount
rarat, Noah was very much sum-ised
i one of his first observations to find a
d healthy mule standing on the ton
f an adjoining mountain. The same
adition Informs us that the mule is the
hily animal that lived through the flood
litside of the ark.
The mule can be considered in a eood
lany ways,though the worst place from
men to consider bini is directly from
nina, anywhere within a radius of ten
it. i never consider a mule from that
lint, unless I am looking out through
lie flue of a boiler.
Sea captains and people who have to
wu niuies always pay an extra rate
life Insurance companies. A mule
id a belt of country where the yellow
er Is Indigenous generally stand the
me as regards the death rate.
rhe word mule comes from the Greek,
id signifies " to stop," and the mule
jinself cornea to a stop also. Like'
ultiplied by like produces like. Grass.
Ippers multiplied by grasshoppers pro
ce famine, and potato hues multiplied
I potato bugs produce a rise in the
I; m 4. Tl-.i t
sice ui yenuu xjui, wuen vou irv to
Lltiply mules by mules they don't
Lltiply, and hence the word mule.
u may stuuy your arunmetie, and
id through all or Train's lectures, but
you ennnot discover why this Is so, any
more than you can why n woman enn
not put on n rubber without leaning up
ngnlnst something.
The mulo hns one more leg than a
milking stool, nnd be enn stand on one
and wave the other three round In ns
ninny different directions. Ho hns only
three senses, hearing, seeing anil smell
ing, lie has no more sense of taste than
a stone Jug, nnd will ent Anything that
contains nutriment, nnd ho don't care
two cents whether It be one per cent, or
ninety-nine. All ho asks Is to puss him
along his plate, with whatever happens
to le handy round the pnntry, nnd he
won't go nwiiy nnd blow how poor the
stetik is. lie just cats whatever Is set
before him, and nsks no questions.
Mules nro naturally denf, but thnt
supreme wisdom thnt teaches tlio little
boy to wipe his nose on his sleeve, has
fitted the mule out with a pair of ears
that counteracts Its deafness, so he can
henr ns readily as a person when you
don't want him to. These ears answer
a double purpose, as tunnels to pour
sound Into his head, and also as fans to
brush away the Ilies with and keep
his bend cool. They arc hung by hinges
to the sides of his head, nnd llnp back
ward nnd forward like a pair of wet
trowsers round n boy's legs. In cold
latitudes itiitea tasty business is dono
In mules ears. Tho ears are cut off nnd
dried, and sold for snow-shoes, nnd then
tho stubs are trimmed up and the mules
nro sent south nnd sold for horses. In
this way n great many ilno horses wcro
purchased for the army by the United
States.
If I were to have a largo picture of
Innocence, to hang up in my parlor,
and 1 did not wish to sit for It myself, I
should get n correct likeness of a mule.
There Is Innocence enough depicted in a
mule's countenance to lit out a Sunday
School class. It looks ns guileless as an
angle worm. '
A mule never grows old or dies. Once
brought Into existence, be continues for
ever. The original mule Is now nlive
somewhere in the South, and Is limned
Robert Toombs, because he is so stub
born. Mules are chiefly found in the South
and West. They have been more abused
than Judas Iscariott. A boy who would
not throw a stone at a mule if he got a
chance would be considered by his pa
rents as too mean to raise.
The mule is a good worker, but he
cannot be depended on. He Is liable, to
strike, and when a mule strikes human
calculation falls to find out any rule by
which to reckon when Jie will go to
work ngaln. It is useless to pound him,
for he will stand more beating than a
sitting-room carpet. He has been known
to stand eleven duys in one spot, ap
parently thinking of something, and
then start oft' again as though nothing
had happened.
Down South, when they have a sur
plus of small darkeys on the plantation,
they send them out into the barn-yard
to play, where there is a loose mule.
They always bid them good-bye when
they start out, for they are sure the
parting will be final. This Is tho most
economical style of funeral now in the
market.
To fully appreciate the mule, one
should listen to his voice. You never
can renlly know whether you like a
mule or not till you have heard him
sing. I attended a mule concert at Fort
Snelllng. The programme opened with
a soprano solo, and then swung Into a
duet, and then pranced off into a trio,
followed up by a quartette, and ending
with a full chorus by 150 mules. I did
not hear the whole thing, for when I
came too, the regimental Burgeon was
standing over me, giving me powerful
restoratives, and I heard him say that I
might possibly get out again, though I
would never be a well man again. I
have been through the New York Stock
Exchange, and spent part of a day in a
boiler factory, and have been on one or
two Sunday School excursions for chil
dren, but I never knew what noise was
till I heard a lot of army mules bray.
One of the dead certainties about a
mule is that he Is aure-footed, especially
with his hind feet. He never misplaces
them. If he advertises that his feet will
be at a certain spot at a certain time,
with a sample pair of mule shoes, to
which he would call your attention, you
will always find them there at the ap
pointed time. He Is as reliable ns tho
day of Judgment, nnd bo never cancels
nn engagement. Every mini now living
who drove n mule team during tlio war
now draws a pension.
I never owned n mule T enme nenr
buying one onee. lie was a fine-looking
nnlmal ; bis ears stood up like the side
spires on an Episcopal Church. His
tall was trimmed down so (hat it looked
like a tar brush leaning up ngalnst
him. He was striped oll'like the Amer
ican ling, and Raphael's cherubs never
looked more angelic than did that mule.
He looked all innocence, though he was,
in no sense. The owner sat In the wag
on, with IiIh chin resting on his band
and bis elbow resting on his knee. In
the other hand be held a stick with a
brad in the end of it. I examined the
mule and nsked the limn n few questions
nnd out of mere form inquired If the
mule was kind, or if he kicked V 'Kind?
Kick V" said the man,, nnd those were
the last words be ever uttered. He reach
ed his stick over the front of the wngon,
nnd stuck the brad into that mule. It
was awful to Bee a man snuffed out as
quickly as he was. It almost took away
my breath, he went so suddenly. I never
saw the thread of life snap so abruptly
as it did on Unit ..occasion. He didn't
have time to leave a messngo for his
family. That mule simply ducked his
head, and then a pair of heels flew out
behind ; there was a crash, a flying of
splinters, nnd that was all ; and the
next moment that mulo and I stood
alone, my face covered with astonish
ment two feet deep, and his covered with
part of an old bridle. The next day I
read an account in the telegraphic news
of a shower of flch in Kentucky. I was
the only man that could explain that
phenomenon, and I did n6t dare to, lcst-
I should be implicated in the affair with
the other mule.
I have seen death in many forms, but
I don't recollect of ever seeing a funeral
gotten up with less pomp and display
than on that occasion. If I had my
choice, to either work in a nltro-glycer-ine
factory, or take care of a mule, I
should go for the fuctory, as in case of
an explosion, there would be more pos
sibility of my friends finding some little
mementoes of me, with which to assuage
their grief. A very small piece of me
would lighten a very big sorrow.
I will hunt round and if I find any
other facts that belong to the mule, I
will write them down, and send them
to you by express C. O. D.By George
A. Quimby of the Boston Weekly Olobe.
An Indiana Farmer who posted a
noUce reading, "No hunting on this
farm," was surprised to find it read, on
a second inspection, " No. 1 hunting on
this farm I"
A JOKE ON THE POLITICIANS.
SOME YEARS AGO, Just previous to
apolitical campaign, a group of
" wire pullers" and office seekers wero
discussing matters. While they were
thus engaged In feeling self-confldeut
nnd Jubilant, an old stager of the op
posing party, named Sam Rcllkoopcamo
up. Ordinarily Sam was reserved and
mindful of his own business, but lu ex
citing times like the present he could lie
loquacious. The party of polltlclaus,ull
known to be hungry for government
pap, hailed Sam rather Ironically, ask
ing him how went the buttle, on his
side. Sam snid :
" I don't know, gentlemen, ns I enn
give you any Information on that sub
ject, but I can tell you a bit of a story."
Ah, that was Just the thing: "Fire
away, Samuel; let us have it."
Sam took a seat upon nn empty nail
keg, nnd told ns follows :
Once upon a time there was a great
king who had a philosopher in whose
Judgment he always put the utmost
confidence. On a certain morning the
king took it into his head that he wanted
to go out a hunting, nnd having sum
moned his nobles, and all the chief men
of lils court, and inado necessary prepa
rations, ho called his philosopher nnd
asked him if it would rain during the
day. The philosopher looked up lit the
clear sky, nnd said It would not; so the
king nnd his nobles, and nil his great
men departed. Upon approaching a
forest they met a countryman mounted
upon a jackass, who advised them to
return, assuring them that it would very
soon rain.
" Bah 1" cried the king. " Does this
fellow know more than my philosopher Y
Let us ride on."
So on they rode, nnd had just entered
tho forest when the rain came down in
torrents, driving them, to the nearest
shelter, which they reached drenched to
the skin, bitterly lamenting that they
did not take the rustic's advice.
"When they returned to the palace the
king sent for his philosopher, nnd hav
ing soundly berated him for letting him
self be outdone by a country rustic, dis
missed him. Then he sent for the coun
tryman, intending to Install him Into
tho vacant office.
" Tell me," said the king, when the
man appeared before him, " how you
knew It would rain."
"I don't know, sir," replied the
countryman : " my jackass told me."
" Mercy 1" cried the monarch, in
great astonishment. " How did he tell
you?"
" It's a way he has, your majesty, of
pricking up Lis ears nnd snuffing the
air."
And thereupon the king sent for the
jackass, and allowed the countryman to
go home ; and the jackass was installed
into the office made vacant by the re
tirement of the philosopher.
" Ah 1" concluded Sam ; with a very
woeful shake of the head, " the poor
king little dreamed the calumity that
simple act was to bring upon his king
dom!" "How so V" demanded the audience,
eagerly.
" Why," replied Sam, very gravely,
" from that day to this, every jaefcass is
clamoringor office.''''
Fighting Joe Hooker.
Speaking of gamblers, says the San
Francisco Argonaut, we call to mind,out
of many clever men and many honest
men, the names of Charley Burroughs
and Billy Chapman. For some of the
virtues of life, and for some.of the man
lier traits, they would compare more
than favorably with many we have
known of higher pretensions. We call
to mind one incident : Chapman and
Burroughs kept the rooms at the corner
of Merchant and Kearney streets. We
had passed through an exciting political
campaign. Burroughs and Chapman
. were both New England men, both Re
publicans, both loyal. It was before the
trans-continental telegraph. The Pony
Express brought the news of the war.
Organized rebellion had fired upon the
grand old flag at Sumpter ; the fort had
yielded and the stars and stripes had been
dragged from its flagstaff, and in its
place was raised the standard of rebel
lion, the flag of the Palmetto State.
Around their rooms hung an habitue,
a gambler, and one who bad lost a for
tune In wooing the fickle, wicked god
dess; a gentleman, a graduate of West
l'olnt, but a ruined and almost reckless
man. The news came nt nine o'clock
in the evening at the taking of Sumpter.
There was no more card playing that
night. Then It wns thnt from the sofa,
where be had been lounging, there up
rose a handsome and ninnly form. The
half inebriated, reckless man was trans
formed, as If by magic, Into the splen
did soldier.
" Now," said he, " is my time! Time
to redeem myself nnd serve my country.
1 have been educated for a soldlor." '
Chapman turned to the money drawer
of the faro table, and taking a handful
of gold, said, " Take this, go nnd pur
chase wbnt you want. I'll buy your
ticket ; tlio steamer sails to-morrow
morning ut nine o'clock." The steam
er sailed, nnd from the generosity and
patriotism of William Chapman and
Charles Burroughs, the two professional
gnmblers of San Francisco, the country
received the splendid and gallantservlces
of fighting Joe Hooker, the hero of
Lookout Mountain.
Killed While Testing a Fire Escape.
Michtel Carey, plpcman of 0, the
Mound engine, was killed while testing
the new fire escape sack of the Fire De
partment at the Llndcll Hotel yester
day. The bag is 112 feet long, 0 feet in
circumference, and made 'of the strong
est sail canvass. Both ends of the sack
are open, nnd the manner of escaping
consists simply lu getting Into the upper
mouth, fastened to a window, and slid
ing down in the incline to the lower
mouth, held by three or four men on the
opposite side of the street. By spread
ing the arms and legs in descending, so
as to rub the elbows and kcees against
the sides of the sack, the person inside
can regulate his velocity almost at will.
A number of the firemen had slid down
the escape in safety; but Carey tore a
hole in tho bng when about two-thirds
of the way down, nnd went through the '
opening like a shot, falling to the
ground being instantly killed. An ex
amination of his boots showed that the
heel of one of them had been worn
about half off, leaving the ends of two or
threo nails sticking out, and the suppo
sition Is that in widening his legs for the
jmrpose of decreasing his speed, one of
the nails caught in the sack and made
the frightful rent that let Ijlm through.
Ut. Louis Times.
A Child Asleep In a Tall Tree.
A very remarkable escape occurred re
cently to a little nephew of Edward E.
Powers, of Detroit. The child, who is
five years old, was missing at 12 o'clock,
when looked for at dinner time, but,
after calling him, the family ate dinner,
and, the child not appearing, became. ;
alarmed, and instituted a search through
the neighborhood His hat was found
in the yard under some large maple trees.
Nothing could be heard of him until
about three o'clock, when a girl discov
ered him up in one of the limbs of the
maple trees, forty feet from the ground,
asleep. The girl called him, but he did
not awake, and the situation being dis
covered, his aunt prevented any noise
boing made until two boys climbed the
trees and awoke him, and he was got
down safely. It it cannot be ascertain
ed how long the child had been there,
but a continuous search was made from
1 o'clock to 3 P. M.
A Judge's Opinion of Base Ball.
Judge Harding, of the Wilkesbarre
circuit, is not very complimentary to
professional base ball players. At a re
cent session of Court he took occasion
to speak dlsprovlngly of the practice of
forming stock associations and employ
ing at a liberal salary, experts to play
base ball. He cited instances in illustra
tion of his statement that to become a
salaried base ball player was to enter
upon a career that would eventually
lead, in many cases, to a cell in the
penitentiary.
O" " How dare you say that I never
open my mouth without putUng my
foot In it ?" demanded Brown of Jones.
" I hope you will forgive me," replied
the latter, " for when I said that I had
never seen the size of your foot."
gyShe who does not make her family
comfortable will herself never b happy
at home ; and she who is not happy at
home will never be happy anywhere.