The New Bloomfield, Pa. times. (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1877-188?, July 10, 1877, Image 1
T liiniiifiiiiir.jiM'.'iij'n miiiiiiniiwn1!' - ha. VOL. XL NTSW llLOOMimSID, 1JV., TUESDAY, -TULY 1 0, 1877. NO. 27. THE TIMES. An liidpnpiideiil Family Newspaper, 18 Pl'nUSIIEI) EVEUT TUESDAY BT R MORTIMEU & (X). Subscription Price. Wltliln tlio Comity ?1 2r. Hlx month 7" Out of tlio Comity, InchKlInu iiostano, 1 f 0 " " al v iniitit lia ' SiX llltlllt Its 8i Invariably in Advance I f AilverMHliiK rates furnished ujion uII catlon. Hclcdt 'Pocti'y. THE CONFESSION. There's somewhat on my breast, father, There's sotnowhnt on my breast, The live-long day I sigh, father, At night I ennnot rent I cannot tnko my rest, father, Tho' I would fain do so, A weary weight opprejneth me A weary weight of woo I 'TIj not tho lack of gold, lather, Nor lack of worldly pear, My lands nro broad and fair to see, My ft lends nro kind and dear My kin nro renl and true, father, They mourn to see my grief But oh 1 'tis not a kinsman's hand Can give my heart relief! 'TIs not that Janet's falBc, father, 'Tls not that she's nnklnd Though buoy flattorcrs'swarm around, I know her constant mind. , 'Tls not her coldness, father, That chills my laboring breast It's that confounded cucumber I've ato and can't digest. . THEMULE. A Humorous Review of this Unique Animal. T 1112 MULE is the only animal Unit " Noah didn't take into the ark with hint.1 I have looked over the freight Hut carefully, and could not see a mule wny. billed for any place. Bo clear-liended a man as Noah did not dare to take ono on board, as he knew ho would kick a hole through her lu less than a week. I don't know u man on whose head you ould pour quicksilver and run less risk if Its spilling oil" than on Noah's. He was a dreadful level-headed man, and tefore the freshet was over everybody on nrth realized tho fact. The origin of the mule is envelpped In i good deal of mystery. Tradition in onus us that when the flood had sub- ided, and the ark had landed on Mount rarat, Noah was very much sum-ised i one of his first observations to find a d healthy mule standing on the ton f an adjoining mountain. The same adition Informs us that the mule is the hily animal that lived through the flood litside of the ark. The mule can be considered in a eood lany ways,though the worst place from men to consider bini is directly from nina, anywhere within a radius of ten it. i never consider a mule from that lint, unless I am looking out through lie flue of a boiler. Sea captains and people who have to wu niuies always pay an extra rate life Insurance companies. A mule id a belt of country where the yellow er Is Indigenous generally stand the me as regards the death rate. rhe word mule comes from the Greek, id signifies " to stop," and the mule jinself cornea to a stop also. Like' ultiplied by like produces like. Grass. Ippers multiplied by grasshoppers pro ce famine, and potato hues multiplied I potato bugs produce a rise in the I; m 4. Tl-.i t sice ui yenuu xjui, wuen vou irv to Lltiply mules by mules they don't Lltiply, and hence the word mule. u may stuuy your arunmetie, and id through all or Train's lectures, but you ennnot discover why this Is so, any more than you can why n woman enn not put on n rubber without leaning up ngnlnst something. The mulo hns one more leg than a milking stool, nnd be enn stand on one and wave the other three round In ns ninny different directions. Ho hns only three senses, hearing, seeing anil smell ing, lie has no more sense of taste than a stone Jug, nnd will ent Anything that contains nutriment, nnd ho don't care two cents whether It be one per cent, or ninety-nine. All ho asks Is to puss him along his plate, with whatever happens to le handy round the pnntry, nnd he won't go nwiiy nnd blow how poor the stetik is. lie just cats whatever Is set before him, and nsks no questions. Mules nro naturally denf, but thnt supreme wisdom thnt teaches tlio little boy to wipe his nose on his sleeve, has fitted the mule out with a pair of ears that counteracts Its deafness, so he can henr ns readily as a person when you don't want him to. These ears answer a double purpose, as tunnels to pour sound Into his head, and also as fans to brush away the Ilies with and keep his bend cool. They arc hung by hinges to the sides of his head, nnd llnp back ward nnd forward like a pair of wet trowsers round n boy's legs. In cold latitudes itiitea tasty business is dono In mules ears. Tho ears are cut off nnd dried, and sold for snow-shoes, nnd then tho stubs are trimmed up and the mules nro sent south nnd sold for horses. In this way n great many ilno horses wcro purchased for the army by the United States. If I were to have a largo picture of Innocence, to hang up in my parlor, and 1 did not wish to sit for It myself, I should get n correct likeness of a mule. There Is Innocence enough depicted in a mule's countenance to lit out a Sunday School class. It looks ns guileless as an angle worm. ' A mule never grows old or dies. Once brought Into existence, be continues for ever. The original mule Is now nlive somewhere in the South, and Is limned Robert Toombs, because he is so stub born. Mules are chiefly found in the South and West. They have been more abused than Judas Iscariott. A boy who would not throw a stone at a mule if he got a chance would be considered by his pa rents as too mean to raise. The mule is a good worker, but he cannot be depended on. He Is liable, to strike, and when a mule strikes human calculation falls to find out any rule by which to reckon when Jie will go to work ngaln. It is useless to pound him, for he will stand more beating than a sitting-room carpet. He has been known to stand eleven duys in one spot, ap parently thinking of something, and then start oft' again as though nothing had happened. Down South, when they have a sur plus of small darkeys on the plantation, they send them out into the barn-yard to play, where there is a loose mule. They always bid them good-bye when they start out, for they are sure the parting will be final. This Is tho most economical style of funeral now in the market. To fully appreciate the mule, one should listen to his voice. You never can renlly know whether you like a mule or not till you have heard him sing. I attended a mule concert at Fort Snelllng. The programme opened with a soprano solo, and then swung Into a duet, and then pranced off into a trio, followed up by a quartette, and ending with a full chorus by 150 mules. I did not hear the whole thing, for when I came too, the regimental Burgeon was standing over me, giving me powerful restoratives, and I heard him say that I might possibly get out again, though I would never be a well man again. I have been through the New York Stock Exchange, and spent part of a day in a boiler factory, and have been on one or two Sunday School excursions for chil dren, but I never knew what noise was till I heard a lot of army mules bray. One of the dead certainties about a mule is that he Is aure-footed, especially with his hind feet. He never misplaces them. If he advertises that his feet will be at a certain spot at a certain time, with a sample pair of mule shoes, to which he would call your attention, you will always find them there at the ap pointed time. He Is as reliable ns tho day of Judgment, nnd bo never cancels nn engagement. Every mini now living who drove n mule team during tlio war now draws a pension. I never owned n mule T enme nenr buying one onee. lie was a fine-looking nnlmal ; bis ears stood up like the side spires on an Episcopal Church. His tall was trimmed down so (hat it looked like a tar brush leaning up ngalnst him. He was striped oll'like the Amer ican ling, and Raphael's cherubs never looked more angelic than did that mule. He looked all innocence, though he was, in no sense. The owner sat In the wag on, with IiIh chin resting on his band and bis elbow resting on his knee. In the other hand be held a stick with a brad in the end of it. I examined the mule and nsked the limn n few questions nnd out of mere form inquired If the mule was kind, or if he kicked V 'Kind? Kick V" said the man,, nnd those were the last words be ever uttered. He reach ed his stick over the front of the wngon, nnd stuck the brad into that mule. It was awful to Bee a man snuffed out as quickly as he was. It almost took away my breath, he went so suddenly. I never saw the thread of life snap so abruptly as it did on Unit ..occasion. He didn't have time to leave a messngo for his family. That mule simply ducked his head, and then a pair of heels flew out behind ; there was a crash, a flying of splinters, nnd that was all ; and the next moment that mulo and I stood alone, my face covered with astonish ment two feet deep, and his covered with part of an old bridle. The next day I read an account in the telegraphic news of a shower of flch in Kentucky. I was the only man that could explain that phenomenon, and I did n6t dare to, lcst- I should be implicated in the affair with the other mule. I have seen death in many forms, but I don't recollect of ever seeing a funeral gotten up with less pomp and display than on that occasion. If I had my choice, to either work in a nltro-glycer-ine factory, or take care of a mule, I should go for the fuctory, as in case of an explosion, there would be more pos sibility of my friends finding some little mementoes of me, with which to assuage their grief. A very small piece of me would lighten a very big sorrow. I will hunt round and if I find any other facts that belong to the mule, I will write them down, and send them to you by express C. O. D.By George A. Quimby of the Boston Weekly Olobe. An Indiana Farmer who posted a noUce reading, "No hunting on this farm," was surprised to find it read, on a second inspection, " No. 1 hunting on this farm I" A JOKE ON THE POLITICIANS. SOME YEARS AGO, Just previous to apolitical campaign, a group of " wire pullers" and office seekers wero discussing matters. While they were thus engaged In feeling self-confldeut nnd Jubilant, an old stager of the op posing party, named Sam Rcllkoopcamo up. Ordinarily Sam was reserved and mindful of his own business, but lu ex citing times like the present he could lie loquacious. The party of polltlclaus,ull known to be hungry for government pap, hailed Sam rather Ironically, ask ing him how went the buttle, on his side. Sam snid : " I don't know, gentlemen, ns I enn give you any Information on that sub ject, but I can tell you a bit of a story." Ah, that was Just the thing: "Fire away, Samuel; let us have it." Sam took a seat upon nn empty nail keg, nnd told ns follows : Once upon a time there was a great king who had a philosopher in whose Judgment he always put the utmost confidence. On a certain morning the king took it into his head that he wanted to go out a hunting, nnd having sum moned his nobles, and all the chief men of lils court, and inado necessary prepa rations, ho called his philosopher nnd asked him if it would rain during the day. The philosopher looked up lit the clear sky, nnd said It would not; so the king nnd his nobles, and nil his great men departed. Upon approaching a forest they met a countryman mounted upon a jackass, who advised them to return, assuring them that it would very soon rain. " Bah 1" cried the king. " Does this fellow know more than my philosopher Y Let us ride on." So on they rode, nnd had just entered tho forest when the rain came down in torrents, driving them, to the nearest shelter, which they reached drenched to the skin, bitterly lamenting that they did not take the rustic's advice. "When they returned to the palace the king sent for his philosopher, nnd hav ing soundly berated him for letting him self be outdone by a country rustic, dis missed him. Then he sent for the coun tryman, intending to Install him Into tho vacant office. " Tell me," said the king, when the man appeared before him, " how you knew It would rain." "I don't know, sir," replied the countryman : " my jackass told me." " Mercy 1" cried the monarch, in great astonishment. " How did he tell you?" " It's a way he has, your majesty, of pricking up Lis ears nnd snuffing the air." And thereupon the king sent for the jackass, and allowed the countryman to go home ; and the jackass was installed into the office made vacant by the re tirement of the philosopher. " Ah 1" concluded Sam ; with a very woeful shake of the head, " the poor king little dreamed the calumity that simple act was to bring upon his king dom!" "How so V" demanded the audience, eagerly. " Why," replied Sam, very gravely, " from that day to this, every jaefcass is clamoringor office.'''' Fighting Joe Hooker. Speaking of gamblers, says the San Francisco Argonaut, we call to mind,out of many clever men and many honest men, the names of Charley Burroughs and Billy Chapman. For some of the virtues of life, and for some.of the man lier traits, they would compare more than favorably with many we have known of higher pretensions. We call to mind one incident : Chapman and Burroughs kept the rooms at the corner of Merchant and Kearney streets. We had passed through an exciting political campaign. Burroughs and Chapman . were both New England men, both Re publicans, both loyal. It was before the trans-continental telegraph. The Pony Express brought the news of the war. Organized rebellion had fired upon the grand old flag at Sumpter ; the fort had yielded and the stars and stripes had been dragged from its flagstaff, and in its place was raised the standard of rebel lion, the flag of the Palmetto State. Around their rooms hung an habitue, a gambler, and one who bad lost a for tune In wooing the fickle, wicked god dess; a gentleman, a graduate of West l'olnt, but a ruined and almost reckless man. The news came nt nine o'clock in the evening at the taking of Sumpter. There was no more card playing that night. Then It wns thnt from the sofa, where be had been lounging, there up rose a handsome and ninnly form. The half inebriated, reckless man was trans formed, as If by magic, Into the splen did soldier. " Now," said he, " is my time! Time to redeem myself nnd serve my country. 1 have been educated for a soldlor." ' Chapman turned to the money drawer of the faro table, and taking a handful of gold, said, " Take this, go nnd pur chase wbnt you want. I'll buy your ticket ; tlio steamer sails to-morrow morning ut nine o'clock." The steam er sailed, nnd from the generosity and patriotism of William Chapman and Charles Burroughs, the two professional gnmblers of San Francisco, the country received the splendid and gallantservlces of fighting Joe Hooker, the hero of Lookout Mountain. Killed While Testing a Fire Escape. Michtel Carey, plpcman of 0, the Mound engine, was killed while testing the new fire escape sack of the Fire De partment at the Llndcll Hotel yester day. The bag is 112 feet long, 0 feet in circumference, and made 'of the strong est sail canvass. Both ends of the sack are open, nnd the manner of escaping consists simply lu getting Into the upper mouth, fastened to a window, and slid ing down in the incline to the lower mouth, held by three or four men on the opposite side of the street. By spread ing the arms and legs in descending, so as to rub the elbows and kcees against the sides of the sack, the person inside can regulate his velocity almost at will. A number of the firemen had slid down the escape in safety; but Carey tore a hole in tho bng when about two-thirds of the way down, nnd went through the ' opening like a shot, falling to the ground being instantly killed. An ex amination of his boots showed that the heel of one of them had been worn about half off, leaving the ends of two or threo nails sticking out, and the suppo sition Is that in widening his legs for the jmrpose of decreasing his speed, one of the nails caught in the sack and made the frightful rent that let Ijlm through. Ut. Louis Times. A Child Asleep In a Tall Tree. A very remarkable escape occurred re cently to a little nephew of Edward E. Powers, of Detroit. The child, who is five years old, was missing at 12 o'clock, when looked for at dinner time, but, after calling him, the family ate dinner, and, the child not appearing, became. ; alarmed, and instituted a search through the neighborhood His hat was found in the yard under some large maple trees. Nothing could be heard of him until about three o'clock, when a girl discov ered him up in one of the limbs of the maple trees, forty feet from the ground, asleep. The girl called him, but he did not awake, and the situation being dis covered, his aunt prevented any noise boing made until two boys climbed the trees and awoke him, and he was got down safely. It it cannot be ascertain ed how long the child had been there, but a continuous search was made from 1 o'clock to 3 P. M. A Judge's Opinion of Base Ball. Judge Harding, of the Wilkesbarre circuit, is not very complimentary to professional base ball players. At a re cent session of Court he took occasion to speak dlsprovlngly of the practice of forming stock associations and employ ing at a liberal salary, experts to play base ball. He cited instances in illustra tion of his statement that to become a salaried base ball player was to enter upon a career that would eventually lead, in many cases, to a cell in the penitentiary. O" " How dare you say that I never open my mouth without putUng my foot In it ?" demanded Brown of Jones. " I hope you will forgive me," replied the latter, " for when I said that I had never seen the size of your foot." gyShe who does not make her family comfortable will herself never b happy at home ; and she who is not happy at home will never be happy anywhere.