BY FRED'K L. BAKER.
AGRIGULTURAL CHEMICAL CO.'S
1111 A BU L ETTE. This Fertilizer is composed
of night soil and the fertilizing elements of
untie combined, chemically and mechanically
with other valuable fertilizing agents and ab
sorbents:
It is reduced to a pulverized condition, rea
dy for itnittediate use, and without loss of its
highly nitrogenous fertilizing properties.
its universal application to all crops and
soils, and its durability and active qualities,
are well known to be all that agriculturists
can dieire. Pnicr: $25 PER Tort.
EM ICA I. COMPOST. This Fertilizer
IS largely cuntpused of animal matter,
such as meat, bone, fish, leather, hair and
wool, together with chemicals and inorganic
fertilizers, which decompose the mass, and re
tain the nitrogenous elements. CI is thorough
ly impregnated with urine, and the thinner
portions of night soil.
It is a very valuable fertilizer for field crops
generally, and especially for potatoes, and
garden purposes.
Its excellent qualities. strength and cheap
ness, have made it very popular with all who
have used it. Price, $25 PER Tbnt.
fiIREE & FRUIT FERTILIZER. It is a
I highly phosphatic fertilizer, and is par
ricultuly adapted for the cultivation of trees,
fruits, lawns and flowers. It will promote a
very vigorous and healthy growth of wood and
fruit, and largely increase the quantit) and
perfect the maturity of the fruit. Fur hot
house and household plants and flowers, it
will be found au indispensable article to se—
cure their greatest perfection. It v. ill prevent
and cure diseased conditions of the peach and
grape, and is excellent fur grass and lawns.
The formula or method of combining its
constituent fertilizing ingredients have re
ceived the highest approval of eminent chem
ists and scientific agriculturists. Price, $5O
van Tort.
13HOSPHATE OF LIME. The Agricultu
ral Chemical Company manufacture a
P lospliate of Lim( in accordance with it new
und valuable formula, by which a very supe
tior article is produced, so far as to be alibi ded
at a less price than other manufacturers charge.
Practical tests have proved that its value, us a
fertilizer, is equal to the best Phosphate of
Lime in the market. Price $45 ern 'lust.
ICS TERMS CASll.—Cartage and Freight to
be paid by the Purchaser.
AORICULTURAL CHEMICAL CO.'S WORKS,
At Canal Wharf, on the Delaware.
OJlce, 4131 Arch St., Philade phis, Pu.
R. IL FITTS, General Agent.
Tho Company's Phumnhlet Circular . , em
bracing full directions fur using the above
Fertilizers, sent by mad free, when requested.
OSBORN'S
Cebbrated Pr, pared Java Carte.
Warranted suprrior to any in the Market.
IT ie used by first-class families everywhere,
and highly recommended for nervous and
o : speptie persons, being very nutritious and
;eo from 101 deleterious substances, in testi
•,oriy of which 1 have certificates from the
emineid Physicians and Chemists in this
t—tuntry. 'fry it and you will be sure to con
tinue use in preference to any other.
Sold at retail for Twenty Five cents a-pound,
firi.t-class Grocers throughout the United
States.
A liberal discount allowed to the trade.
Put up only by
LEWIR A. °maw,
Wholesale Depot, 69 Warren st., N. Y
READY ROOFING
Ready to nail down.
READY ROOFING
At less than half the cost of tin roofs.
READY ROOFING
Nora durable than tin.
READY ROOFING
Suitable for steep or fiat roofs.
READY ROOFING
For at& kinds of buildingi, in all climates.
READY ROOFING
Easily, cheaply, and quickly put on. Needs
no coating over with cement after it
is natiad down.
READY ROOFING
Made of- a strong woven fabric, thoroughly
saturated and covered upon both surfaces
with a perfectly water-proof composition,
and put up in rolls ready for use-40 inch
wide, and 75 feet long.
We alio manufacture
LIQUID CEMENT,
For Leaky Tin Roofs,
Much cheaper and inure durable than oil paint.
ALSO
COMPOUND CEMENT,
For Leaky Shingle Roois, which will often
Ne the coat of a new roof.
sample of Ready' Roofing and Circulars sent
ty mail when:desired.
Favorable terms made with responsible par
ties who buy to sell again.
READROOFIN CO.,
73
Maiden La G
ne, N. Y.
MARIETTA MARBLE YARD.
Miohael Gable, Agt.,
MARBLE MASON AND STONE CUTTER,
Opposite the Then Hall Park,
Marietta, Pa.
—o—
'THE Marble business in all its branches,
will be continued at the old place, near
tt,e Town flatland opposite Funk's Cross Keys
Tavern, where every description of marble
work will be kept on hand or made to order at
short notice and at very reasonable prices.
Marietta, June 29,1861. A9-1y
PORTABLE PRINTING OFFICES
'qr the use of ger
unds, Druggists
nd all business and
mfessionable men
,ho wish to do thei
wn printing, neat
r
and cheaply. A.-
tapted to
Hanthe print
tit f dbills,
iltheads, Circulars,
instructions
Jags and Small Newspapers. Full
!strections accOmpany• each office enabling a
ten Years old to wetk them successful!
y.
relliars sent free. Specimen sheets of Type,
Olt &c.,11 cents. Adam W CO.
s,
ADAMS' 11 SS
31 Park Row, N. Y., arid 515 Lincoln-Bt.,
Roston, Nfas9t____,—..---26
Ice Cireaix i.
NIVOLFEIS ICE CREAM SALOON open
every Day and Evening—SUNDAY
excepted, where can- be had tome of the most
Y flavored ICE CREAMin the 536-6 m
tate---
adelphis not excepted.
.
it of Books for children.olle d
de l'lmourc liook ; Pc ,, r , l an
Pens. Pen holders.
,nntrr
itidistruct
aTi.. 11ia,./it
alAepedtut. jjournal: ptbott I)filitits, Yittraturt, A,,griculturt, Ethis of ftt Pag, nftlligtntt,
New York and Philadelphia
ORBIABIEDITAL iitON WORKS.
THE Subscribers having formed a connec
t nection with Messrs. WOOD & PERQT, of.
Philadelphia under the above title, arc pre
pared to furnish every description of
ORNAMENTAL IRON WORK,
Cast, Wrought and Wire Railings,
FOIL ENCLOSING
Cemetery Lots, Dwellings,
Public Squares. 6-c.
Verandahs, Circular and Straight Stairs,
Doors, Window Guards,
Rubie Fixtures, Fountains, Vases, icc.,
also, having purchased of the late firm of
Hutchinson Br. Wickersham, Canal Street,
their entire Stock of
Bedsteads, Cradles, Furniture 4V.,
they now offer to the *public, at their New
Warehouse,
THE MOST EXTENSIVE STOCK OF
ORNANIENT,AL IRON LiGODS
to be found in the 'bulled States. They have
also purchased of the New York Wire 'Railing
Co. the patent right an' machinery, for making
WIRE RAILING, FARM FENCE, WINDOW GUARDS,
GRATING, CO L SCREENS &c.
and will continue the exclusive Manufacture
of the same at their Works.
CHASE & CO.,
.5.24 Broadway,
New York.
Orders may be sent through the American
rldve?Osing Agency, 359 Broadway,
JOHN ()it UI,L,
,jrattes,
NO. 92 MoIRRET STREET, MARIETTA
Tulles this means of informing his old cus
tomer•. and the public generally, that he has
re tat.en the old stand (recently occupied by
George L. Vlachley,) and is now permanently
fixed to prosecute
THE MATTING BUKINESS
IN' ALL ETS 11/I.INCIIES.
Having just returned from the city where
he selected a large, varied and fashionable
assortment of everything in the
HAT AND GAL' LINE,
and now only asks ar. examination of his
stock and prices, beMre purchasing elsewhere.
Having also laid in a stuck of Hutting mate
rial, he will be ensbled, at short notice, to
manufacture all qualities—from the common
Soffit() the Most Fa•hionable Silk Ilat.
Employing none but the besi of workmen,
and manufacturing good goods at low prices,
he hopes to merit and receive a liberal share
of public patronage IC3'The highest price
paid for Furs—in trade or cash.
A LEXANDEIL LYN USAY,
od d*
Fusfimintie
Boot and Shoe Manufacturer,
MARKET STREET, MARIETTA, PENN
Would most respectiully inform the citizens
of this Borough and neighborhood that he has
the largest assortment of City made work in
his line of business in this Borough, and be
ing a practical BOOT AND SHOE MAKER
himself,is enabled to select with more judgment
than those who are not. Lie continues to man
ufacture in the very best manner everything
in the BOOT AND SHOE LINE, which he
mill warrant for neatness and good fit.
Call and examine Isis stock before pur
ist:being elsewhere.
First National Bank of Marietta
piltS BANKING ASSOCIATION
ItAVMG COMPLETED ITS ORGANIZATION
i 8 now prepared to transact WI kinds of •
BANKING BUSINESS.
The Board of Directors meet weekly, on
Wednesday, for discount and other business.
hunk Rotas : From 9A.ato3 P. M.
JWIN 11OLLINGER, PRESIDENT.
AMOS 110 IV 11l AN, at shier.
Marietta, July 25, 1863.
1404., C)oclf 40 lebAiT
• H. L. & J•:. J. ZAHM
ESPECTFULLY inform then
f,friends and the public that they
still continue the WATCH, CLOCK
A ND JEWELRY business at the old
stand, North-west Corner of North
queen street and Center Square, Lancaster, Pa.
A full assortment of goods in our line of busi
ness always en hand and for sale at the lowest
cash rates. #l:3'• Repairing attended to per
sonally by the proprietors.
Lancaster, January 1, 1869. •
PLATED WARE ; . A Large and hne stocl.
of Plated ware at H. L. & E.J. ZAHN'S-
Corner of North queen street 84. Center Square
Lancaster, Pa. Tea Setts, in variety, Coffee
Urns. Packets, Goblets, Salt Stands, Cake
Baskets, Card Baskets, Spoons, Forks, Knives,
Casters, &c., &c., at wan ufaeturers prises.
H. L. & E. J. ZAHM'S.
Cor. North Queen st. and Centre Square, Lan
caster, Pa. Our prices are moderate and all
goods warranted to be as represented.
RaeLartso attended to at moderate rates.
DR. J. Z. HOFFER,
DENTIST,
Jeai-z— OF THE BALTIMORE COLLEGE
OF DENTAL SURGERY,
LATE OF HARRISBURG.
OF F I CE:—Front street, next door to R.
Williams' Drug Store, between Locust
sad Walnut streets, Columbia.
DR. Wi4l., a, FAHNESTOCK,
OFFICE:—MAIN-ST., NEARLY OPPOSITE
Spangler & Patterson's Store.
FRObI 7 TO 8 A. M.
OFFICE HOURS. " 1 2.
" 6TO7P. N•
JEWELRY.-A. large and selected stock o
fine jewelry of the latest patterns from the
best factories in the country can be found at
H. L. er E. J. ZAHN'S,
Corner of Center Square and North Queen
Street, Lancaster, Pa.
H& Oak Wood, fio Cords each
Hickory and Oak Wood. Orders must
be accompanied with the cash when they will
be promptly fillet. Spangler Sc. Patterson.
n RIME Nero Crop' New-Orleans Molasses
r —the very best -for Cakes. Just received
by SPANGLER & PATTERSON.
TT BSCR4PrrfON $ received for all the.lead-
CI in Periodicals of the day
. ,
•
MARIETTA, PA., SATURDAY, JULY 23, 1864.
publista ebtrp .Saturtap Xotttin,g
OFFICE: enuLt. , s Row, Front Street, five
doors below Flury , s Hotel.
TERMS, o.le Dollar a year, payable in ad
vance, and if subscriptiors be not paid within
six months $1.25 will be charged, but if de
layed until the expiration of the year, $l.OO
will be charged.
ADVERTISING RATES: One square (12
lines, or less) 50 cents for the first insertion and
25 cents for each subsequent insertion. Pro
fessional and Business muds, of six HMS or less
at .$3 per annum. None.% in the reading col
umns, five cents a-line. I arriages and Deaths,
the simple announcement, FREE ; but for any
additional lines, five cents a line.
A liberal deduction made to yearly and half
yearly advertisers.
Having recentled added a large lot of new
Job and Lard type, Cuts, Borders, tkc., to tile
Job Office of " Mariettian," which will
insure the tine execution of all kinds of Jon
CARD PRINTING, from the smallest
Card to the largest Poster, at prices to suit the
War times.
[ ruisiAs. ED By REQUEST.
VjE CIO Zothitt'b itiaLlab
Dedicated to Capt. Charles R. Grosh's
Marie.ta company of •• UNDRED DAYS
M by the author.
Cheer up toy lively lads, boys, it never
shall be said,
That the sons of America were ever
yet afraid;
We will answer our country's call on
hind, sea or shore,
To conquer all the rebels and ten thou
sand traitors wore.
The Eagle of Liberty cries over laud,
seas and chutes,
We are coining Father Abraham with
six hundred thousand more;
And if rebels 6re on our capital give
me a place to stand,
With the Union flag staff placed in my
hand.
No matter how hot the canon smoke or
shell burst in the sky,
I hold the flag staff in my hand, and
hold it 'till I die;`
And if ono should hit me and lay me on
my face,
I hope to go to Washington and .not to
a traitor's grave.
S. 'D. M.-1812.
Marietta, July 4, 1864.
The Two Deaf Ladies
I had an aunt who purposed visiting
Me for the Gist time since my marriage,
and I don't know what evil genius
prompted the wickedness which I per
petrated towards my wife and ancient
relative.
"My dear," said Ito my wife the day
before toy aunt's arrival, "you know
aunt Mary is corntng here to-morrow.
Well, I have forgotten to mention a
rather annoying circumstance in regard
to her. She is very deaf, and, although
ehe can hear my voice, to which she is
accustomed, in its ordinary tone, yet you
wilt be obliged to speak very loud in or
der to be heard. It will be rather in
convenient at first, hut I know you will
do everything that in your power to
make her stay agreeable."
1 then went to John Thornton: who
loves a joke as well as any person that
I know, told him to be at my house by
six o'clock on the following evening,
and I then felt comparatively happy.
I went to the railroad depot with a
carriage the next night, and when on my
way bonne with my aunt, I said—
"My dear aunt, there is one rather
annoying infirmity that Anna (my wife)
has, which I forgot to mention before.
She is very deaf; and though she can
hear my voice, to which she is accus
tomed, in its ordinary tones, yet you will
be obliged to speak extremely loud to
her in order to be heard. I am very
sorry that she is so."
Aunt Mary, in the extreme goodness
of her heart, protested that she rather
liked speaking loud, and that to do so
would give her great pleasure. I hand
ed out my aunt, and she ascended the
steps,
"I am delighted to see you," shrieked .
my wife, who met us at the door.
The policeman on the opposite side
of the street was startled, and my aunt
nearly tumbled down the steps.
"Kiss me, my dear," howled my aunt,
and the hall lamp clattered, and the
windows shook as with fever and ague.
I looked at the, window, but John
Thornton had disappeared. Human na
ture could stand it no longer. I poked
my head into the carriage, and went in
to strong convulsions of laughter.
When I went into the parlor my wife
wag helping aunt Mary to take' off her
bonnet rlnd mantilla ; and theresat "'oho,
with his long face of woe. 1 I
"Did you have a pleasant Xi' tf,y?"
suddenly went off my wife lika 1 , 7 1t0l
and John ti 4 e,arly jumped
"Bather cll-4--- -- •
a warwhr
r~
ThP
in thisstraiu. The neighbors for squares
around must have heard it, for when I
was in the third story I beard every
word. •
In the course of the evening my aunt
took occasion to say to me—
" How loud your wife speaks. Don't
it hurt her V'
• I told her that all deaf persons spoke
loud, and that my wife, being used to it,
was not affected by the exertion, and
that they were getting along finely.
Presently my wife said, softly—
",-I.lfred, how loud your aunt talke."
"Yes," said .1, "all deal peopl.• do.
Yoit get along well together. She hears
every word you say."
And I rather think she did
Elated by their success at being under-
stood, they went at it like hammer and
tongs, till everything on the mantelpiece
fairly clattered, and I wits seriously a•
traid of a crowd collecting in front of
my house.
But the and was near. My aunt, being
of an investigating turn of mind, was de
sirous of finding out whether the exer
tion of talking so loud was not injurious
to my wife.
"Doesn't talking so loud.strain your
lungs?" said she, in an unearthly hoot,
for her voice was not as musical as it
was when she was young.
"It is an exertion," shrieked my wife.
"'l'hen why do you do it 7" was the an.
sw ering scream.
"Beca.iise—because—you can't hear
me if I den'." squalled my wife.
"What?"
My aunt fairly rivalled a railroad
whistle this time.
I began to think of evacuating the
premises, and looking around and seeing
that John was gone, I stepped into the
next room, and there he lay, flat on his
back, rolling from side to side,- with his
fists poked - Mtn his ribs, and a most ag
onizing expression of countenance, but
not uttering a sound, Immediately and
involuntarily I assumed a similar atti
tude, and I think, from the . relative .po
sition of our feet and heads, and our
attempt to restrain our laughter, apo
plexy must inevitably have ensued if a
horrible groan, in which John gave
vent in his endeavor to suppress his ris
ibility, had not betrayed our hiding place.
In rushed my wife and aunt, who by
this time comprehended the joke; and
such a scolding as I got then I never got
before, and I hope never to get again.
I know not what the end might have
been if John, in his endeavors to appear
respectful and sympathetic, had not
given 'vent to such a diabolical noise,
something between a groan and a horse
laugh, that all gravity
. was upset, and
we all screamed in concert.
GEN WASHINOTuN'S 13LMSING: During
r i celebration which occurred in New
York City, during the life of Washing.
ton, the General was present, and a
Scotch nurse who had the care of a lit
le boy, was observed to eagerly lift him
up, that be might look upon 'the Father
of his Country, She was not satisfied
with this, however, and the next day
while out walking with the child, she
saw the General in a store, and darting
in she exclaimed, " Please your Excel
lency, here's a bairn that's called after
ye." Washington turned his benevo
lent face full upon the lad, smiled, laid
his hand upon the boy's head and gave
his blessing. In after years the boy,
then a distinguished man, used to say
"I have reason to believe that blessing
hae attended me through life, I was
but five years old, yet I can feel that
hand oven now." The boy was Wash
ington Irving, o whom, perhaps, as a
fruit of that blessing. we are indebted
for the best biography of Washington.
CLEANING GARYETS.—Take a pail of
cold water, and add to it three gills of
oxgall. Rub it into the carpet with a
soft brush. It will raise a lather ; which
must be washed off with clear cold water.
Rub dry with a clean cloth. In nailing
down a carpet after the floor has been
washed, be certain that the floor is. quite
dry, or the nail will rust and injure the
carpet. Fullers' earth is used for clean
ing carpets, and weak solutions of alum
or soda are used for reviving the colors.
The crumb of a hot wheaten loaf rubbed
over a carpet has been found effective.
A few days since, a &tuner called on
a young gentlemati and presented him a
bill, when he wiai t emawhal taken aback
- , .• .
by they gent taking him aside-and bland
my' g : "31,. deafilii; call nerzitlitire=
irey, a d 11l tell y0u4,4416 Caillgaiii:"
. .
"Ma, Whereaboutn,elkalo find the
~, .. 1 tritnony 2"
and that to be one of the .
. .
,s," was the answer.
Odds and Ends.
A COPPERHEAD WELL ANSWERED.--In
the cars, the other day,between. Balti
more and Washington, a discussion
sprang up, as to the propri&ty of allow
ing negroes to vote. One otthe copper
head participants, thinking to lake a
plain case by the argumentum and horn
inum, said to his Republican antagonist:
"What would you think if, at the' next
election, you were to go to the poll and
cast a vote for George B. McClellan,
and a big, black nigger were to collie
alongside of you and cast one for 40
Lincoln? The Republican reflected e
little and replied : "Well, I'd think the t ,
nigger had a d—n eight more sensor'
than I had."
Bill S— is a good accountant, but
like all men, will sometimes make mis
takes, and in one of his bills figured up
that "8 times 8 are 88." The debtor
was not slow in discovering the mistake
and demanded an explanation. Bill ex
amined the account and saw that he was
'down' but did not like to admit; so,
putting on a bold face, he said—" That's
all right.".
"How so?" was the inquiry.
"It's all owing to the intimation of
the currency," said "the multipli
cation table, like everything else, has
gone up I"
On returning home after his duel with
young O'Connell. Lord Alvanley gave a
guinea to the hackney coachman who
had driven him out and brought him
back. The man, surprised at the large
ness of the sum, said, 'My Lord, I only
took you .
"My friend," interrupted Alvanle y
"the guinea is for bringing me back—
not for taking me out."
"My dear, why is your neck bandkei=-
chief like the real estate' your lathe*
has ?" •
I'Bon't know, duck."
Because, love, it is a good proper tie,"
(property.) '
A bystander thought he distinguished
something like a kiss after the dialogue
ended.
A conceited coxcomb, with a very
patronizing air, called out, to as Irish
laborer, 'Here, you bog trotter f come
and tell me the greatest lie you can, and
I will treat you to a glass of Irish whis
key."
"By my word," says Pat, "an yer Hon
or's a gentleman."
"Would you be willing to undertake
the management (Amy properly for your
victuals and clothes ?" said Girard to a
gentleman who was congratulating Win
on Lis vast possessions.
"No," was the reply.
"Well, that's all I get," said the mil
lionaire:
A lady was passing along the street,,
when she was met by a young man, who
in passing, stepped on her dress. Turn
ing to the lady, he remarked
"Hoops take up too much room."
To which the lady quickly replied;
"Net so much as whiskey, sir," and
passed on.
A❑ Irishman was directed by a lady
of large size to secure and pay for two
seats iu a stage, as she wanted comfort
able room in riding, the fellow returned
and said, "I've paid for the two seats ye
told me to, but as I couldn't get but one
seat for the inside, I took t'other for the
outside."
"Tom," said an acquaintance of his
who met him oithe Winne House steps
last evening, "Tom : who did you say
our friend B. married?
"Well, he married—forty thousand
dollars! I forget the other name."
An lowa editor has fallen heir to an
estate worth one and a half millions.
Of course , he'll rtitire. Just fancy a man
worth that sum writing a puff of a pat-,
ent clothes pin, or of Mrs. Winslow's
Soothing Syrup.
At a spiritual circle the other
.eve
ning, a gentleman requested the medium
to ask what amusement was most popu
lar in the spiritual world. The reply
was, "Reading oar own'ohituary no-tices.'
Some mischievous wags, one night,
pulled down a turner's sign, and put it
over a, lawyer's door; in the morning it
read, "All sorts of turning and twisting
done here"
"Al[ maidens are good," nye pemnr,-
alist ; but where do the bad wivee.enme
from ?' The bad wivekaie the, maidens
turned sour.
or Dreams, indeed, are ambition : for
"Bob, how•is your iiireetheart getting the very substance of the ambitions is
gong?" R • merely the shafts, of a dream. And I
"Pretty well, I peas; she says ki I hold ambition to be so light a quality,
needn't call soy worAr that itlit brit trshadoW's shadow.
VOL. 10.-NO. 51.
LONG SERMONS.—Very long sermons,
especially in the dog-days, are rarely de
livered nnw by the clergy. In old times
a short sermon would have disappointed
a congregation sadly. Brown, au Eng
lish humorist of William lll's reign,
says : "In the late civil ware, Stephen
Marshall split his text into twenty-four
parts. Upon this, one of his congrega
tion immediately run out of church.
.Why, what's the matter?' says a neigh
bor. 'Only going for my night gown
and slippers, for I find we must take up
our quarters here to-night."
A KIND WORD POR "MOTIIER."-De
spise not thy mother when she is old.
Age may wear and waste a mother's
beauty; but her relation as mother is as
the sun when it goes forth in its might,
for it is always in the meridian, and
knoweth no evening. The person may
be'gray headed, but her motherly rela
tion is ever in its flourish. It may be
autumn, yea, winter, with a woman, but
with the mother, as a mother, it is al
ways spring.
FOR BOSOMS AND COLLARS.—Ponr
pint of boiling water upon two ounces
orgurn arabic, cover it, and let it stand
over. night; in the morning pour it care
fullyifrom the dregs into a clean bottle,
corklit, and keep it for future use. A
tablespoonful of this gum arabic water,
stirretinto a pint of starch in the usual
wanner; will give to lawns, either white
or printed, a look of newness, which
nothing else can restore them to after
they have been washed.
Cr It takes allikankne to get out of a
scrape with flying colors,'as the following
conversation shows :
"Shan't I see you hum from singin'
school to-night, Jerushy?"
"No, you shan't do no such thing. I
don't wan't you nor your company, Reu
ben."
"Perhaps you didn't hear what I said r
continued Reuben.
"Yea I did—you asked if yon alight
see rue home."
"Why, no, I didn't. I only asked you
bow your marm was."
gar "Is a man and his wife both one?"
asked the wife of a certain gentleman,
in a state of stupefaction, as she was
bolding his aching head in both hands.
!‘Yes, I stippo . se so," was the reply.
°Well, then," she said, "I came home
drunk last night, and ought to be asham
ed of myself." This back handed re
buke from a long suffering and loving
wife effectually cured him of his drink
ing propensities.
car" Helen," said a landlady to ber
servant, "was there any fire in the
kitchen last night when you were sitting
up ?" "Yes ma'am," said Helen, "there
was a spdrk there when I went down,
and
. I -soon fanned it into aflame." The
landlady looked suspiciously at Helen,
but the innocent girl went on scrubbing
and humming "Katy Darling."
ar Talking of human happiness,
Trump says the condithins necessary to
man's felicity are as yet undetermined ;
but be adds that the essentials to a
young woman's happiness have been as
certained, and are only three in number,
namely : a little beauty, plenty of good
clothes, and lots of male facilities I
ar A little daughter of a proprietor
of a coal mine in Pennsylvania was in
quisitive as to the nature of hell, upon
which her father represented it to be
large gulf of fire, of the most prodigious
extent. "Pa," said she, "couldn't you
get the devil to buy coal of you."
eir Two Quaker girls were ironing at
the same table. One asked the other
which side she would take, the right or
the left. She answered promptly, "It
will be right for me to-take the left, and
then it will be left for thee to take the
right."
eir ‘tHaveyouany limbhorn bonnets?"
inquired a very modest miss of a shop
&per. "Any what?" "Any limbhorn
bonnets ?" "Any—you don't mean Leg
horn?" The young lady was brought
to by the proper restoratives.
fir A Dutchman describes New York
as "berry fine people, who go about der
Streets scheating each oder, and dey call
, dat pizziness." . Pretty correct picture,
that, judgiog from the late gold gamb
ling operations.