BY FRED'K L. BAKER.
D R. HOOFLAND , S
GERMAN BITTERS,
Prepared by Dr. C. M. Jackson,
Philadelphia, Pa.
IS NOT A BAR-ROOM DRINK, OR A
SUBSTITUTE FOR RUM,
Or an Intoxicating Beverage, but a highly con
centrated Vegetable Extract, a Pule Tonic,
free from alcoholic stimulent or injurious drugs,
and will effectually cure
Liver Complaint,
Dyspepsia, and
Jaundice.
HOOFLAN33'S GERMAN B 1 RS
WILL CURE EVERY CASE OF
Chienlc or Nervous Debility, Disease of the
Kidneys, and Diseases arising from a
Disordered Stomach.
OBSERVE THE FOLLOWING SYMPTOMS
resulting from disorders of the digestive organs:
Constipation, In ward Piles, Fu.ness or Blood
to the Head, Acidity of the Stomach, Nausea,
Heartburn,
Disgust for Food, Fullness or
weight in the Stoipach, sour eructations, sink
ring or fluttering of the Pit of the Stomach,
iwimming of the Head, hurried and difficult
sreathing, fluttering it the heart, choking or
suflbcating sensations when in a lying posture
dimness of vission, dots or webs before th
sight, fever and dull pain in the head; defici
ency of perspiration, yellowness of the skin
and eyes, pain in the side, back, chest, limbs,
Etc., sudden flushes of heat, burning in the flesh,
constant immaginings of evil, and great de
pression of spirits.
HOOFLAND'S GERMAN BITTERS
WILL GIVE YOU .
A Good Appetite,
Strong Aerves,
Healthy Nerves,
Steady Nerves,
Brisk Feelings,
Energetic Feelings,
Healthy Feelings,
A Good Constitution,
A Strong C,ohstitution,
A Healthy Constitution, •
A Sound Constitution.
WILL MAKE THE WEAK STRONG,
Will make the
Delicate Hearty,
Will make the
Will make the
Depressed Lively,
%VIII make the
Sallow Complexion Clear,
Will make the Dull eye
Clear and Bright.
B-Will prove a blessing in every family.
cip.'Can be used with perfect safety by male
or Female, Old or Young.
PARTICULAR NOTICE.
There are many preparations sold under the
name of Bitters, put up in quart bottles, com
pounded of the cheapest Whiskey or common
Runt, costing from 20 to 90 cents per gallon,
he taste disguised by Anise or Coriander seed.
This class of Bitters has caused and will con
.inue to cause, as long as they can be sold,
aundreds to die. tt,e death of a drunkard. By
their use the system is kept continually under
the influence of alcoholic stimulants of the
worst kind, the desire for liquor is created and
kept up, and the result is all the horrors at
tendant upon a drunkard's life and death. Be
ware of there.
For those who desire and .will have a liquor
hitters, we publish the following receipt:
Get one bottle Hoollanes German Bitters and
mix with three quarts of good Whiskey or
Brandy, and the result will be a preparation
that will far excel in medicinal virtues and
true excellence any of the numerous liquor
bitters in the market, and will cost much less.
You will have all the virtues of Hoof land's Bit
ters in connection with a good article of liquor
and at a much less price then these inferior
preparations will cost you.
DELICATE CHILDREN.
Those -suffering from marasmus, wasting
away, with scarcely' any flesh on their bones
are cured in a very short time; one bottio
is
such cases, will have. most surprising effect.
D V.BILITY,
Resulting from. Fevers of any
. kind—these bit
ters Actin renew your strength to a short time.
Fs.vzit AND Aces.—The chills will not re
turn if these bitters are used. No person in a
fever and ague district should be without them
From Ben. J. Newton Brown, D. D., Editor
of the Bitcyclopedia ofßeligtoos Knowledge.
Although not disposed to favor or recommend
Patent Medicines in general, through distiust
their ingredients and effects ; I yet know
of no suffici .nt reason why a man ma) not tes
tify to the benefits he belieVes himself to have
received from any pimple preparation, in the
hope that he may thus, contribute to the bene
fit of others..
I do thud more readily in regard to Hoofland's
German flays, prepared by Dr. C. AI _Jackson
because I wilprpiefudised against them for a
number a years under the, impression that
rhiy were chiefly an alcoholic mixture. lam
indebted tomy friend Itob't Shoemaker, esq.,
for the removal of this prejudice by proper
tests, and,for encouragement to try them, when
suffering from great and , long debility. The
use of three bottlessef these bitters, at the be
ginning of the pregent year, was followed by
evident relief, and 'restoration to It degree of
bodily R ap:mental vigor which 1 had not felt
for six tnOtithe before, and had almost dispair
ed of regaining. I therefore thank God and
my fried ter directing me to the use of them.,
J. NEWTON BROWN.
Philadelphia, JUne 23, 1962.
ATTEf4TTIONI SOLDIERS.
AND FRIENDS OF SOLDIERS.
We call the attention of all having relations
or friends in the army. to the fact that:"Hoof
land's, German Bitters" will cure nuae;tenths
of the diseases induced by privation and 'ex
posures incident to camp life. In the lists
published almost daily in the newspapers, on
the arrival of the sick) it will be noticed that
a very large proportion are sulfering from de
bility. EVety case of that kind can be readi- ,
lY cured by -HooSand's German Bitters. We•
have no:hesitation in stating that, if these pit
ten; are freely used among our soldiers, hued
reds of liven might be saved that otherwise
would be lost.
The prOilrietors are daily receiving thankful
letters from' toifferers in the 'army and .hospi
tala,who haci.been restored to health by
fr the use
of these Bitters, sent to them by heir iends.
Beware of counterfeits ! See that the sig
nature of "C. M. Jackson," is on the wrapper
of each 'nettle.
V o RICV , S,
Large 4*, al: per bottle, ors dozen for.ss.
Mediunfsite, 'lsc per bottle, or dozen for $4.
The lirger size, on account of the quantity
the bottles hold, are much the cheaper.
Should' your nearest druggist not have the
article, do not be put oirby any'of the intoxi
cating preParations that may be offered in its
place, butgaend to us, and we will forward,
securely packed, by express.
Principa Office and Manufadary,
No. 631 ABM STREET.
JONES & EVANS,
(Sanctum to CI `lt4. Jackson & C 0.,)
prnprietors.
For sale by Druggists and dealers in ev ery
tow the United States. may 0
a til 111 arittian
Naptdent tltunsebania '3ournal: gthotebr to Val Yiteratare, Agriculture, BIEN of f glag, 'stat Infelligeort,
Vublizbelr tbgr2 .%aturbErg gorning
opp rrE: CauLL's Row; Front Street, five
doors below Flury's Hotel.
TERNS, One Dollar a year, payable in ad
vance, and if subscriptions be not paid within
six months SL2S will be charged, but if de
layed until the expiration of the year, $1.50
will be charged.
ADVERTISING RATES: One square (12
lines, or less) 50 cents for the first insertion and
25 cents for each subsequent insertion. Pro
fessional and Business cat ds ? of six lines or less
at $3 per annum. Notices in the reading col
u mnsolve cents a-line. Marriages and Deaths,
the simple announcement, FREE; but for any
additional lines, five cents a line.
A liberal deduction made to yearly and half
yearly advertisers.
Having recentled added a large lot of new
Job and Card type, Cuts, Borders, &c., to the
Job Office of c< The Mariettian," which will
insure the fine execution of all kinds of JOB S&
CARD PRINTING, from the smallest
Card to the largest Poster, at prices to suit the
War times.
OUR CHILDHOOD.
sad—y=t sweet—to listen
To the soft wind's gentle swell,
And think we hear the Music
Our childhood knew so well;
To gaze out on the even,
And the boundless fields of air,
And feel again our boyish wish
To roam like angels there !
There are many dreams of gladness
That cling around the past—
And from the tomb of feeling
Old thoughts come thronging fast--
The forms we loved so dearly,
In the happy days now gone,
The beautiful and lovely,
So fair to look upon.
Those bright and lovely maidens
Who seemed so formed for bliss,
Too glorious and too heavenly
For such a world as this !
Whose soft dark eyes seemed swimming
In a sea of liquid light,
And whose locks of gold were streaming
O'er brows so sunny bright.
Thin Stout,
Whose smiles were like the sunshine
In the springtime of the year—
Like the changeful gleams of April
They followed every tear !
Like the bright buds of summer
• They have fallen from the stem—
Yet oh I it is a lovely death
To fade from earth,like them.
And yet—the thought is saddening
To muse on such as they—
And feel that all the beautiful
Are passing fast away !
That the fair ones whom we love
Groisr to each loving breast,
Like the tendrils of each clinging vine,
Then perish where they rest.
And can we help but think of these
In the soft and gentle spring,
When the trees are waving o'er us,
And the flowers are blossoming?
For we know that winter's coining !
With its cold and stormy sky—
And the glorious beauty round us,
Is blooming but to die.
Burn this letter as soon as read,
Consider all'l gay unsaid,
Think of me as a wilful boy
Inebriate with a golden joy
Daring to tell thee all his heart;
Trembling at his fool-hattly part.
Madly chasing a fierce asire
Through earth and water, air and fire
Ready to tend thee day and night
As his endless, sole delight—
Ready to throw his life away
To add to thine a single day.
Burn thts letter as soon as read,
Ne'er can its sayings be unsaid.
Hate me, if thy heart is fierce,
Mine with thine angry arrows pierce;
Trample me beneath thy scorn ;
Wish that Iliad ne'er been born :
Bid me, with a frown, to die—
I will meet my destiny ;
Or, if in a softer mood,
Banish me to solitude;
Only let me heartily voice,'
.v In my doom I will rejoice.
Burn this letter as soon as read,
Think of one as one who's dead ;
Lying straight beneath the grass
O'er which happy mortals pass;
Nevermore to vex thy sight;
Never more to dim thy light.
When in spring, with moonbeam flood,
Primroses fill all the wood,
(Then I meet thee)—think when slow
Sets the sun,' and birds sing low,
Of that eve my heart beguiled,
When I whispered, and you smiled.
Burn this letter. Thou art proud;
High thy race above the crowd •
Careless thou•of others pain :
They Must love-_and thou disdain.
Thou canst light the lamp which nano
Quencheth but the churchyard stone,
In thy hand is all my fate; '
Thnu must yield me love or hate.
All my fate is in thy hand—
But my words forever stand.
I love ! Wouldst thou that love gainsay,
Then thou must tear my life away !
Life is but a span—of horses ;
.One is "Age," the other "Prime,"
Up and down the hill our course is
"Go in," ponies, "make your time."
Boyhood plies the whip of pleasure;
Youthful folly gives a stroke;
ManhOod goads them at his leisure;
"Let 'em rip, they're tough as oak."
"Hi ya ! there !" the stakes we'll pocket,
To the winds let care be lent ;
Time 2:40, "whip in socket;"
"Give 'ern string and let 'em went." ,
On the sunny road to fifty,
"Prime" is drowned in Lethe's stream ;
"Age" is left lame, old, unthrifty ;
Life then proves a "one horse team."
"Age" goes on, grows quite unsteady,
Reels add slackens in hie pace ;
"Ricks the bucket" always ready,
"Gives it up"—death wins the race.
As we become more truly human, the
world becomes td us more truly divine.
.
What is the key note to good breed
ing ?—B nature).
"BURN THIS LETTER,"
LIFE'S BUT A SPAN.
MARIETTA, PA., SATURDAY, MAY 28, 1864.
Advice to Young Men.
A lady who signs herself "A. Martyr
to Late Hours," offers the following
suggestions to young men :
Dear gentlemen between the ages of
"eighteen and forty-five," listen to a
few words of gratuitous remarks. When
you make a social call of an evening, go
away at a reasonable hour. Say you
come at eight o'clock, an hour and a
half is certainly as long as the most
fascinating of you in conversation can,
or rather ought to desire to use his
charms. Two hours, indeed, can be
very pleasantly spent, with music, chess,
or other games to lend variety ; but,
kind sirs, by no means stay longer.—
Make shorter calls, and come oftener.—
A girl, that is a sensible, true-hearted
girl, will enjoy it better, and really value
your acquaintance more. Just conceive
the agony of a girl who, well knowing
the feelings of father and mother upon
the subject, hears the clock strike ten,
and yet must sit on the edge of her
chair, in mortal terror lest papa should
put his oft-repeated threat into execu
tion—that of coming down and inviting
the gentleman to breakfast. And we
girls understand it all by experience,
and know what it is to dread the prog
nostic of displeasure. In such cases a
sigh of relief generally accompanies the
closing of the door behind the gallant,
and one don't get over the feeling of
trouble till safe in the arms of Morpheus.
Even then sometimes the dreams are
troubled with some phantom of an angry
father and distressed (for all parties)
mother, and all because a young man
will make a longer call than he ought
to. Now, young gentlemen friends,
tell you what the girls will do. For an
hour and a half they will be most irre
sistibly charming and fascinating ; then,
beware, monosyllable responses will be
all you need expect, and, when the
limits shall have been passed, a start
ling query shall he heard coming down
stairs "Isn't it time to close up ?" you
must consider it a righteous puniSh
ment, and taking your bat meekly de
part, a sadder, and it is to be hoped, a
wiser man.' Do not get angry, but the
next time you come be careful to keep
within just boUnds. We want to rise
early these pleasant mornings, and im
prove the "shining hours"; but when
forced to be up at such unreasonable
hours at night, exhausted nature will
speuk, and as a natural consequence,
with the utmost speed in dressing, we
can barely get down to breakfast in time
to 'escape a reprimand from papa, who
don't believe in beaux—as though he
never was young—and a mild, reproving
glance from mamma, who understands a
little better poor daughter's feelings,
but must still disapprove outwardly, to
keep up appearances. And now, young
MOD, think about these things, and don't
for pity's sake, don't throw down your
paper with a liehaw"—but remember
the safe side of ten,
OUR TEETH.—It is often said that the
teeth of the present generation are much
inferior to those who have passed. We
wish that some of our many dentists would
prove literary enough to givens adental
history. We should be astonished,
probably, at the dental evils 'of other
days. Evidences of the use of false
teeth by the Romillie two thousand years
ago, were found among the ruins of
Pompeii. Three hundred years ago,
Martin Luther complained of toothache,
and a German ambassador at the Court
of Queen Elizabeth spoke of the weak
ness and imperfection of the English
people's teeth, which he attributed to
their custom of eating a great deal of
sugar. Shakspeare makes one of his
characters speak of being kept awake
by a "raging fang." Roger Williams
was struck by the imperfect teeth of the
Narragansett Indians, whom toothache
and decayed teeth trouble exceedingly.
George Washington had a set of arti
ficial teeth for which he paid five hun
dred dollars. Such are a very few facts
which come up in our poor memory con
cerning a somewhat interesting matter :
We would like to have many more of
them.
ar Commodore W. D. Porter, eldest
son of gallant old Commodore David
Porter, and senior brother of Admiral
D. W. Porter—one of a distinguished
family of naval heroes—died on Sunday,
in New York, at St. Luke's hospital, of
disease of the heart, aggravated by a
severe scalding received on board the
famous Essex ship; some two years ago,
and the weakness of hits system under
four attacks of yellow \ ever, wtate s in
service during the war ' The Comm°.
dore had Finffered much . - .lr his country
"WHAT COULD Ha Do IN HEAVEN?"-
It was about thirty years ago or more,
when stage-coaches still ran, that an ex
cellent old clergyman, who had a keen
observation of the world, was travelling
on the top of the coach. It was cold,
wintry weather, and the coachman, as he
drove his horses rapidly, poured forth
such a volley of oaths and foul language
as to shock all the passenge re. The old
clergyman, who was sitting close to him,
said nothing, but fixed his piercing blue
eyes npon him with a look of extreme
wonder and astonishment. At last the
coachman became uneasy, and turning
round to him, said.: What makes you
look at me, sir, in that way ?"
The clergyman said with his eyes fixed
upon him : "I cannot imagine what you
will do in heaven! There are no horses,
or coachos, or saddles, or bridles, or
public houses in heaven. There will be
no one to swear at, or to whom you can
use bad language. I cannot think what
yo -ill do when you get to heaven."
VA PRECIOUS RELIC. —The only gold
ever votbd byCongress to General Wash
ington is for sale, its owner, who has lost
by the war everything else that is val
uable, being compelled to part with it.
It was given in honor of the evacuation
of Boston by the British. On the ob
verse is a fine medallion profile of
Washington, and on the reverse he and
his staff are grouped on Bunker's. Hill,
while the British fleet is seen moving
down the bay. It contains $ll3O worth
of gold. It is in perfect preservation,
having been guarded by its owner with
the most religious care. Five thousand
dollars have already been offered for it:
but to the Government, or to a histori
cal society, it would be worth much more.
A HORNED WOMAN.—The NOW York
Observer, of the 12th itstant, contains a
letter from its correspondent at Larn
aca, in the island of Cyprus (Turkis
dominions), describing a most remarka
ble lusus naturte recently discovered
there. It is nothing less than a woman
with horns growing out of her head!
She has one large born on the side of
her head of the size and consistency of
an ordinary ram's horn, besides three or
four coroicles on other parts of her head.
The writer states that be has seen her,
and that she has been visited by nearly
all the consuls and Europeans in that
place, some of whom are making an
effort to secure her for exhibition.
HARD ON TDB SPANIARDS. -It is relat
ed of the witty Dominican monk, Bacco.
that he had a "great dislike to tobacco;"
and when once preaching to, a crowd of
Spanish sailors, he astounded them by
telling them that there was no Spanish
saints in heaven. A few, he said, had
been admitted, but they smoked so many
cigars that they made 'the Virgin sick,
and St. Peter set hiti wits to work to
get them out. At length be proclaimed
that a bull fight was to be held outside
the gate of Paradise. Thereupon every
Spanish saint, without exception, ran off
to see the fight: and St. Peter imme
diately closed the gate, and took care
never to admit another Spaniard.
Movrrna IN STYLE.—We fear General
Grant will hardly come up to the mili
tary standard of the Potomac Army.—
A few days since, riding to the front on
horseback, in his usual plain way, he
met General Ingalls coming into .town
in a four-horse field carriage. It is said
they were mutually surprised. We learn
that soon after an order was issued pro
hibiting the use of the vehicles referred
to during the future portion of the
coming campaign.
MANTEL ORNAMENT.—An acorn sus
pended by a piece of thread within half
an inch of the surface of water in a hya
cinth glass, will, in a few months, burst
and throw a root down into the water,
and shoot upwards its straight end ta
pering stem, with beautiful little green
leaves. A young oak tibe, growing in
this way on the mantle shelf of a room,
is a very elegant and interesting object.
SOLVED AT LAST,—"What is the reason
that men never kiss each other, while
the ladies waste a world of kisses on
feminine faces?" said the Captain to
Gunk!, the other day, up at Normal.
Gussie cogitated a minute and then
answered. "Because the men have some
thing Waiter to kiss, and the women
laven't.'s .The Captain saw it imme
diately. . :
anyhodiasks'iti..Lineoln any-
thing the movements of the army,
he repliesr. "Ask .Gen. Grant," and if
a rejoinder is made, "Gen.'Grant will .
not tell me," he says further, "Neither
will he tell me."
DEATH FROM STARVATION..--44. Birch,
a member of the Cooper-Shop Refresh
ment Committee, received on Saturday
afternoon the photographic copies of
the remains of three Union prisoners
who had been exchanged by the rebels.
These victims of rebel. cruelty were re
ceived at Annapolis, Maryland, on May
2d, instant. One died on the following
day, and the other two on the 4th in
stant. A large number of other prison
ers were also received, but they were so
emaciated a condition that many of
them died. A photograph of each was
taken after death. The three that were
shown us may well awaken a train of
melancholy reflection. Though•the vic
time to unrelenting cruelty are dead,
yet the sunlight pictures of their attenu
ated forms remain to attest the borrible
atrocity of the rebels who have strug
gled to overturn the Government. One
of these pictures •is that of a Kentuckian
—once a Mae, large, noble spedirein of
a man—who dared to stand up for his
country. He belonged to the 12th
Cavalry of Kentucky. The present ap
pearance of his remains looks like an
extraordinary freak of Nature. The
body, arms, and lower extremities look
like those of an infant, with the head,
feet, and hands of a giant' attached
thereto. The countenance still bears
marks of intelligence. The bodies of
the other two victims are simply skele
tons covered with skin. The hands,
though shrivelled, are yet one-third
wider than the thighs. The soft parts
beneath the frame-work of ribs have all
fallen away, and thus a ghastly picture
is presented, that might well start a tear
in the eye of sympathy, make humanity
shudder, and the Christian to ponder on
the inscrutable ways of an Allwise Pro
vide . ce, in allowing such wretches to
li—, who could perpetrate such horrible
rouge to human creatures. The ex
cuse of a scarcity of provisiohs 'is as
false as the black heart of Jeff Davis
himself, because our National Govern
ment voluntarily offered, and agents
urged upon the rebel Government to
receive and distribute the necessaries, of
life among thp Union prisoners in all
parts of the South. Christian appeals
were made, but they had no effect upon
the case-hardened wretches who have
plunged the nation into rebellion, and
thus made themselves swift.candidatea
for Pandemonium.=—Forney's Press.
rkr Dr. Mary Walker is the new
lionne of. Richmond, of whom the Ex
aminer says
"The strong-minded Tr.' Mary J.
Walker, now in Castle Thump!, is angry
for a horse, and anxious fora ride through
the streets of Richmond. The SoctOi,'
according to Atlanta authority, rides
'with each foot in a stirrup ; and it
would doubtless be an interesting spec
tacle should she be fortunate enough to
have her wishes granted. All Richmond
would turn oat to see her on horseback.
Her costume is as novel as her position.
'Bloomer' costume of blue broadcloth,
trimmed with brass buttons ; Yankee
uniform hat, with cord tossels ; surgeon's
green silk sash, worn over the right
shoulder and across .the breast, fasten
ing on the left side. Over her frock she
wore a blue cloth military overcoat and
cape. Lastly, she wore boots, (and
here let us say that, in respect to feet,
there was more of her personal parallel
to the earth than strict rules of beauty
would require,) plain calf-skin boots
over her pants, and reaching to the bot
tom of her dress."
tEr Dr. Edward Beecher, in his ser
mon at the funeral of Owen Lovejoy, at
his home in Illinois, stated that Mr. L.
originally sought ordination in the Epis
copal Church at the hands of Bishop
Chase, who required him to pledge him
self in writing that he would not agitate
the subject of slavery. He replied :--
"My right arm shall drop off before I
will sign that pledge. If I should sign
it, I should expect it to drop off." The
Bishop then agreed that he might
lecture on slavery, if he would say no
thing about it in the pulpit. 'Promise
not to preach against sin, and that a
prevailing sin ! Never." And so he
turned to the freedom of the Congrega
tional polity.
r Lord Erskine having lived a
bachelor to an advanced age finally
married his cook for the purpose of se
curing her services, as she had frequen
tly threatened to leave him. After be
coming Lady Erskine, she lost all
knowledge of cookery,> and it was a
mortal affront to hint the possibility of
her knowing how any sort or - eatables
were prepared for the table.
VOL. 10.--NO. 43.
Odds and Ends.
Kindly appreciative words may bring
upon the spirit of man a softening aew
of humility, instead of feeding within him
the boisterous flame of vanity.
Nature makes man love all women,
and trusts the trivial matter of special
choice to the commonest accident.
He who never relapses into sportive
ness is a wearisome companion, bat be
ware of him who jests at everything.
Widows wear their weeds ; smokers
smoke theirs.
A. woman's heart, like the moon,
should have but one man in it.
We can tell the rebels that we of the
loyal states have a plenty of food, but
we shall not be so rade as to throw it in
their teeth.
It' things go on in the South as they
are now going-on, the rebel soldiers will
soon get to be as naked as so many la
dies in a ballroom.
The rebels complain of the burning of
some of their piratical towns. Let us
send them a little opoldeldoc. It is
said to be good for burns.
The Washington correspondent of the
Philadelphisi Press says that the Presi
dent "sweetly sleeps in the possession
of an easy conscience.". As sweetly no
doubt as some women sleep or lie in the
possession of an easy virtue.
Ws, Beecher Stowe eulogises the
President in the Christian Watchman.
We suppoie he will properly reward her.
He has a good deal of partiality to
B.Stowe.
Bayard Taylor is understood to be
engaged on a new novel of American
life, which will he published in the en
suing autumn. Taylor, instead of being
the ninth part of a man, has literary go
a-headative-ness for nine common men.
"Wby," inquired an enamored youth
who was .riding with his sweetheart in a
wagon, "are your cheeks like my ponies
there ?"
"Is it because they are red 2" she ia•
quired
"No," he replied' "because there is
one of diem on each side of a waggin
tongue?'
"Did you know I miss here? said the
bellows to the fire. "Oh! yes; I always
contrive to get wind of you," was the
reply.
Prentice says; We dont wear earrings
as the women do, but our ears are more
bored than theirs.
The governMent may tax our matches,
but we challenge the world to match
our taxes.
Speaking of rising with the lark, Ar•
temus Ward says lie should much prefer
to rise with gold.
The Philadelphia Bulletin calls the
rebel treasury department "the Waste
Paper Establishment."
A grave friend says he and his wife al
ways go to bed quarreling; "and yet,"
said he, "we never fall out."
"Sir. Boater, father wants you to come
over to our house and preach a funeral !"
"to preach a funeral! A sermon 1 guess
you mean. Bat who is dead, my little
son?" "My little brother, sir." "Ah, how
old was he?" wasn't no old, sir—he
died a boning."
An example of what is often termed
"taking the starch out" happened re
cently in a country bank in New Eng
land. A pompous, well-dressed indi
vidual entered the bank, and, addressing
the teller, who is something of a wag,
inquired, "Is the cashier in?" "No, sir,"
was the reply. "Well, I am dealing in
pens, supplying the New England banks
pretty largely, and I suppose it wilt be
proper for me to deal with the cashier.' ,
"I suppose it will," said the teller.
"Very well, I will wait." The pen ped
dler took a chair and sat composedly for
a full hour, waiting 'for the cashier. By
that time he began to grow uneasy, but
sat twisting in his chair for about twenty
minutes, and, seeing no prospect for a
change in his circumstances, asked the
teller how soon the cashier would be in.
"Well, I don't know exactly," said the
waggish teller, "but I expect him in
about eight weeks. He has just gone to
Lake Superior, and told vie be thought
he should come back in that time."
Illeinheer Von Dunk attended in
court, at New York, to get excused
from the jury box. "I can't unethand
goot Englese," quota bleinheer. "What
did he say?" asked,th'ejudg,e. "I can't nu
sthand goot Euglese,'" ; velkeated the
Dutchman. "Take yone.ireet'-' cried the
judge, 'take your seat Thereto excuse,
you need .not.be g/armed, as you ere not
likely to hear any,"