gotgegitst Vensgiblutia lottrual: gebottlt to Volities, fittraturt, gLfirititurt, gttus Hof Eke gag, font tIIIg EP, fr.
BY FRED'K L. BAKER.
DR: HOOFLAND 9 s
GERMAN BITTERS,
Prepared by Dr. C. M. Jackson,
Philadelphia, Pa.
IS NOT .A BAR-ROOM DRINK, 'OR 'A
SUBSTITUTE FOR RUM,
Or an intoxicating Beverage, but a highly con
centrated Vegetable Fmtract, a Pure Tonic,
free from alcoholic stimulent or injurious drugs,
and Will effectually cure
Liver Complaint,
Dyspepsia, and
J,itandice.
HOOILANB'S GERMAN BITTERS
• WILL Cl= MILS* CASE OF
Chtonic or Nervous Debility,- Disease of the
Kidneys, and Diseases arising from a
Disordered Stomach.
ciesnitvr. TILE FOLLOWING SYMPTOMS
resulting from disorders of the digestive organs:
Coostipation, Inward Pllee, Furness or•lliood
to the Head, Acidity of the Stomach, Nausea,
Heartburn, Disgust for Food, Fullness or
weight in the Stomach, sour eructations, sink
qng or fluttering of the Pit of the Stomach,
iwimming of the Head, hurried and difficult
'teething, fluttering at the. heart, choking or
suffocating sensations when in a lying posture,
dimness of vission, dots or webs before the
sight, fever and dull pain in the head, defici
ency of perspiration, yellowness of the skin
and eyes, pain In the side, back, chest, limbs,
sudden flushes of heat, burning in the flesh,
constant immaginings of evil, and great de
pression of spirits.
NOONAN'S GERMAN BITTERS
WILL GIVE. YOU
A Good Appetite,
Strang berms,
Healthy Nerves,
Steady Nerves,
Brisk Feelings,
Energetic Feelings,
Healthy Feelings,
A Good Constitution)
A Strong Constitution,
A Healthy Constitution,
A Sound Constitution
WILL MADE THE WEAK STRONG,
Will make the
Delicate fleetly,
Will make the
Will aiske the
Deprwied Lively,
Will make the
Sallow Complexion Clear,
Will make the Dull eye
Clear and Bright.
113• Will prove a blessing in every family.
it:rain be used with perfect safety by male
or Female, Old or Young.
PARTICULAR NOTICE.
There ase many preparations soid under the
name of Hitters, put up in quart bottles, com
pounded of the cheapest Whiskey or common
Ku in, costing from 20 to 40 cents per gallon,
he taste disguised by Anise or Coriander seed.
This class of Bitters has caused and will con
.inue to cause, as long as they can be sold,
Jundreds to die tte death of a drunkard. By
their use the system is kept continually under
the iuduence of alcoholic stimulants of the
worst kind, the desire for liquor is created and
kept up, and the result is all the horrors at
tendant, upon a drunkard's life and death. Be
ware of them.
For those who desire and will have a liquor
bitters, we publish the following receipt:
Get one bottle Hoofland's German Bitters and
mix with titre e quarts of good Whiskey or
Brandy, and the result will be a preparation
that will far excel in medicinal virtues and
true excellence any of the numerous liquor
bitters in the market, and will cost much less.
You will have all the virtues of Hooftand's Bit
ters in connection with a good article of liquor
nrd at c much less price then thaw inferior
preparations will coat you.
DF.LICA.TE CHILPILEN.
Those suffering from mammas, wasting
away, with scarcely any flesh on their bones,
are cured in a very short time; one botch in
such cases, will have most surpriping effect.
DEBILITY,
Resulting from Fevers of any
. kind—these bit
ters will renew your strength in a short time,
FEVER AND AGUE.—The chills will not re
turn if these Bitters are used. No person in a
fever and ague district should be without them
- 4
g 3 em Res. J. Newton Brown, D. D., Editor
cf the Encyclopedia of Religious Knowledge.
though not disposed to favor or recommend
Patent Medicines in general, through distioet
c.f their ingredients and effects; I yet ktim
of no mallet int reason why a man may not tee
thy to the benefits he believes himself to have
received from any simple preparation, in the
hope that be may thus contribute to the bene
fit of others.
I do this more readily in regard to Hoofland's
German Bitten, prepared by Dr. C. M. Jackson
because I was against them for a
number of years, under the impression that
they were chiefly an alcoholic mixture. lam
indebted to my friend Rob't Shoemaker, esti.,
for the removal of thie prejudice by proper
tests, and for encouragement to try them, when
suffering from great and long debility. The
use of three bottles of these bitters, at the be
ginning of the present year, was followed by
evident relief, and restoration to a degree of
bodily and mental vigor which I had not felt
for six months before, and had almost dispair
ed of regaining. I therefore thank God and
my friend for directing me to the use of them.
J. NEWTON . BROWN.
Philadelphia, June 23, 1362.
ATTENTION SOLDIERS.
AND iltr. FRIENDS OF SOLDIERS.
We call the attention of all having relations
or friends in the army to the fact that " Hoof
land's German Sifters will cure nine-tenths
of the diseases induced by privation and ex
posues incident to camp life. In the lists
published alaiost daily in the newspapers, on
the arrival' of the sick, it will be noticed that
a very large proportion are•suffering from de
bility. Every case of that kind can be readi
ly cured by Hoolland's German Bitters. We
have no hesitatioy in stating that, if these bit
ters are freely used among our soldiers, hund
reds of lives might be saved that Oberlin
would be lest.
The proprietors are daily receiving thankful
letters from sufferers in the army and hospi
tals,who have been restored to health by-the use
of thew Bitters, mit to them by their friendsi
Beware of counterfeits ! See that the sig
nature of "C. M. Jackson," is on the-wrapper
of each bottle. •
14
Large Size. *bun per bottleror 1 , dozen for $B.
Meium size, 76e per bottle, or • dozen for $4
The larger size, on account of•the,quantity
the bottles:hold, are much the cheaper.
Should your neare'bt druggist not have the
article, do not be put oil by any of the intoxi
cating p r eparations that may he offered in its
piste, but send to us, and we will frirweat;
securely packed, by *lr.
Principal Oft! ..Sfatittfactory,
No. 631. Aid • ' granny,
JONES & EV *NS,
(iplesOqfpri t0_c0.*%040 0 .1 % : &, ,
• 04/110 Oskw),
4.
For the U 41,Toirri and6Deiger. ever"'
the
3wikin nited ate& 30-ly
tjt gJ '
artt
fulaifibtb tbtig Sat&lb4g Pitorttins
,
OFFICE • t Carnes Row, Front Street, five
doors beldiv.Flery'e`Hotel.
TERMS, One DOllarJa year,- payable in id
vance, and if subscriptions be not paid within
six months $1.25 will be charged, but if de
layed until the expiration 'of the year, $1.50
will be charged.
ADVERTDARG RATES: One square (12
lines; or leas) 50 cents for the first insertiowand
25 cents for each subsequent insertion. Pro
fessional and Business cards, of six hies or less
at-$3 per annum. Notices urthe' reading-col
umns,five cents a-line. Marriagesand Deaths, .
the simple announcement, FREE ; but for any
additional lines, five'cent sa line.
A liberal deduction made to yearly and half
yearly advertisers.
Having recentled added a' large lot of 'new
Job and Card type, Cuts, Borders, Brc„ to the
Job Office of "The Matiettian," which wil
insurei , the fine execution filial kinds of JOH &
CARD PRINTING, from the 'smallest
Card to the largest Poster, at prices to-suit the
War times.
THREE WEEKS AFTER MARRIAGE,
I don't care three-and-sixpence now,
"For any thing in life ;
My days of fun are over now,
I'm married to a wife—
I'm married to a wife, my boys,
And that, by Jove's no joke I
I've eat the white of this world's
And now I've got the-yolk.
I'm sick of sending marriage cake,
Of eating marriage dinners,
And all the furls that people make
With newly-wed beginners;
I care not now for white champagne,
I never cared for red ;
Blue coativare all blue bores tome,
And Limerick , gloves or kid.
And as for posting up and'do*n,
It adds to all my 1118;
At every paltry country town
I wish you emir the bills;
They know me for a married man,
Their smirking says they do,
And charge me as the Scots Greys charg'd
The French at Waterloo.
Thin Stout,
I've grown, too, quite am idle rogue,
I only eat and drink;
Reading with me is not in vogue,
I can't be plagued to think ;
When breakfast's over, I begin
To wish 'twere dinner-time,
And these are all the changes now
In my life's pantoruine.
I wonder if this state be what
Folks call the honey moon?
If so, upon my word, I hope
It will be over soon ;
For too mach honey is to me
Much worse than too vouch salt;
I'd rather read-from end to end,
The works of Mr. Galt.
0 ! when I was a bachelor
I was as brisk 's a bee,
But now I lie on ottomans,
And languidly sip tea,
Or read a little paragraph
In any evening paper,
Then think It time to go to sleep,
And light my bedroom taper.
O I when I was a bachelor
I always had home plan
To win myself a loving wife,
And be a married min;
And now that I am so at last,
My plans are at an end,
I scarcely know one thing to do,
My time I cannot spend.
01 when I was , a bachelor,
My spirits never flagged,
I walked as if a pair of wiogs,.
Had to my feet been tagg'd ;
But I wallr much more slowly now,
As married people should,
Were I to walk six luau an hour,
My wife might think it rude.
Yet after all, I must confess,
This easy sort ofiway k
Of getting o'er life'a jolting road,
11 what I can't gainsay;
I might have been a bachelor
Until my dying day,
Which would have beam to err at least
As far the other way,
A FORTUNE REFUi3ED.—The grand
father of the printer, Duche, was a
protestant refugee from France, and
Crossed the Atlantic with Wro. Penn.
Daring the veyage, Penn borrowed
twenty pounds of the Frenchinan, and
when they arrived in Philadelphia,
offered him, as payment, a square in his
city, of Philadelphia, meaning thereby to' ,
show his friendship, Duche, however,
very courteously, refused, saying. he
would rather have the money. 'Block
head" said Penn, "thou shalt. have the .
money ; bat canat thou not see this will
be a great city in a little timer Doche
afterwards frankly acknowledged, that
he bad proven himself a blockhead,
whey he saw' the square' he bad Tafused,
as an eqiiiiileat for twenty pounds,sold
`for as many thousands.
Wairl IN A Yaatz.—The greatest
English philosopher wail l3acon ;. one of
*the limit Scotch Roots, goggi an4,,one
of the pleastuitest British epsvtista
-14944,
dirg.4--treeAPOTA* I Ogb , IMPOO k '
1p
out down in OsWomb,.
MARIETTA, PA., SATURDAY, APRIL 30, 1864.
Snoring.
We'find in an old number of the sew
York Mirror the 'following pithy.artiele
on "SNORiNG
]dies it ever befallen the gentle,reader
to sleep in a crowded hotel, in an apart
ment shared by several others
,; or in a
stage trav,eling all night _ ;.or , on board a
steamboat ? If so, you must have suf
fered from a nuisance, we. fear, beyond
the reach of satire, viz.:run:fug. W hi3th
it is an Americanism, like whitling,
spitting, putting the feet on the man
tel-piece, and wearinthats with a long
nap, we do not at this tithe wish'to
cuss ; nor Whether RIB one of thole'
general evils iticiderital to the 'universal
infirmities of liaman* nature; but- we do
say, that your regular snorer is an enemy
to'society, add ought either to "milt hid
propensity; or turn hermit. Our object_
in'trriting this fat° solicit the attention
of the learned to a subject intimately
connected with human comfort, that
some means may be adopted either to
have the class of snorers kept distinct
from other people,-in a different part of
the town, and compelled' to -travel in a
line of' stages and steamboats tonstruCt
ed expressly for them ; or else to check
the propensity in early childhood,, by a
rigid course " -'of education. Our youth
are taught to dance, sing, play the fid
dle, sit straight, eat with their foik, and
be virtuous, bat not a word about sno
ring ; not a hint of this faculty, growing
up in the secrecy of night, like a rank,
luxuriant weed, within their character,
to break the peace of innocent families,
and ruin, night after night; that precious
balmy sluniber which lies so, "starkly in
the traveler's bones." Snorers I Why
they are monsters. We avoid them in
all our rural peregrinations, and smile
inwardly on finding their acquaintance
cultivated by unwary strangers, who
little think what a trap they are falling
into. We are one of that extensive
class of human creatures who enjoy a
fair night's rest. The day emphatically
belongs to earth. We yield it without
reluctance to care and -labor. We toil,
we drudge, we pant, we play the hack
horse ; we do things smilingly from
which, in secret, we recoil ; we pass by
sweet spots, and rare faces, that our
very heart, yearns for, without betraying
the effort it costs; and thus we drag
through the twelve long hours, disgust
ed almost, but gladdened withal, that
the mask will have an end, and the te
dious game be over, and our visor and
our weapons be laid aside. But the
night is the gift of heaven. It brings
freedom and repose ; its influence falls
coolly and gratefully upon the mind as
well as the body; and When We drop
the extinguisher upon the light which
glimmers upon the round untouched pil
low, we, at the same time, put out a
world of cares and perplexities. What,
then, must be our disappointment to find
ourself full length, side by side, with a
professed, regular-bred, fall-blooded
snorer, when the spell of sleep is every
few moments forming on us ; and then
broken by the anomalous, incengrifous,
nasal vociferations against which, at
this particular moment, we are endeavor
ing to excite the indignation of the
reader ?
It is one of the advantages of author
ship, however, that even evils, by yield
ing prolific subjects for the pen, may be
made a source both of amusement and
profit. We experienced this the other
night, when returning from a day's ab
sence, the traveler's , vicissitudes sent
us to sleep on board a steamboat, plying
between this city and Albany. Fancy
us, good reader, you know (or, for we
have been band and glove with you for
so long a time, you ought to know,) our
sly penchant for comfort—our harmless
pieces of epicureanism - on a small seals '
—our enjoyment Of a shady, still comer
—our horror of being wished and thrust
about "any how." We have even, On
occasions; betrayed too many of our Se
cret tastes and antipathies, and have
been rated sometimes by anonymous
correspondents, (those familiar ? invisi
`ble gentry,)• for preferring a slant sun
beam through a heavy curtain to one
• that comes in like other. beams. Imag
ine•us; then, 'in a "night boat," whisk'
even , the captain confessed , was "slow ;"
the wild and tidtragainst us, a hot night,
numerous passengers, the engina•heav
ing and wbrking liffolieusly, with a , ,
regular and heavy impulse, that jarred
through the massive vessel with jerks
and'aliocks like little earthquakes, and
the subtle languor' or stamber eiettlirig
through our litabsvand hanging on oar'
erkidi. , 4) hundred or tWo:i traveleti
hliCraleadPzltivrtled'inr andmirewft ,
,
lIOUOTOU b elow lOW the cabin, Ewa
'rested by,-a clerk to a berth, where, our
guide informed us, we.were to s/eep. To
sleep I We looked at the fellow's face.
It was perfectly grave and respectful. '
A glance 1113 he had intended
no insult. He left us, and we paused to
look around . Ah , ! the cabireof a steam
boat is nielancholyiffeir to a sleepy
gentleman, about eleven o'clock at
night. A dim lamp, suspended from the
ceiling, shed a doleful light upon the
long, low, nariow aptutirient. The cur
tains 'of the berth's were mostly drawn.
Divers boots, which, *hen enlivened by
their respective legs, had clambered
mountains or paced over -fieldif, now lay
in groups hors and thefe. Hets, valises;
umbrellas ; rested by their openers„ being
probably the only vestiges of them we
should ever encounter. One fat gentle
man had just lifted his unwieldy person
into bed, and was tying a bandanna
handkerchief around his head, prepare
'tory to his leaching off into glorious
repose ; while a cross-looking lean per
son opposite, having Wound up hie
watch, and rescued his feet from his
boots, with a prodigious deal of strain
ing' and ill humor ; having with could
efabie difficulty discovered where he
was to dispose of his Oldak and other
matters; bumping his head, moreover,
while getting into his conch, and easing
the -pain. with a smothered execration,
at length also disposed of himself to his
'satisfaction. We do not know anything'
which, when a man is really out of 1311•
mor, exhausts his philosophy more utter
ly than hitting his head sharply against
any hard object. lldy friend cursed the
builder of the steamboat, in a half-smo
.
thered growl, and then all was quiet.—
And now we were floating off into a
pleasant sleep, when a low and gradual
ly increasing sound from the berth of
the fat gentleman arrrested our atten
tion. We . listened, all was silent ; and
then again the same sound, more palpa
ble and better developed. It was at
first a Fong breath, of the consistency of
a load whisper. We turned over, still
it went on. We turned back again,
there it was yet. We rose on our el
bow, in a passion, and' poked our head
out between the red curtains. There
was they fat gentleman's berth. We
could just detect a glimpse of the ban
danna handkerchief, by a feeble glare of
the lamp. Our sleepy eyes passed dis
consolately over the boots and valises.
We laid down again, but could not
"with all the weary watching of our
care-tried thoughts,” win the coy dame
sleep to our bed. What was to be
done ? Go up aed hit the fat gentleman
a blow? Impossible. Complain to the
captain 7 He woeld laugh at us. Never
was man so weighed down, so oppressed
with Bleep, and never did man so suffer
from a snorer. The fat gentleman, as
if aware of - out misery, and Mocking it,
went on, like an orator getting warm
with his subject. He grew loud, vo
ciferous, outrageous. We laid and list
ened. He inhaled, he , eXhaled. Now
the air rushed in through his extended
jaws, now it burst forth obsteperously
through his sonorous nose. He took it
in with the tope of an octave flute, he
let it out again with, the profound depth
of a trombone. He, breathed short, he
breathed long; he gasped, whistled,
groaned, gargled. He quickened the
time ; became rapid, agitated, furious.
Hitherto he had snored with the
sound of a rushing, regular stream;
hastening on over a deep - channel—now'
it was the braiil, clash, dash, hurry, and
disnordent confusion. of the Seine tide,'
hurled down a' catered, of broken rocks
—at last he gave an abrupt snort, and
ceased altogether. We were thanking'
heaven for this relief, when a treble
voice from the berth- directly: beneath,
announced new trouble. It was some
one- 7 -whom, we knew not, nor do we
ever covet his friendship, who belonged
to a different class of snorers. He made,
a regalar, quick, sharp, hacking: sound,
like that of a man cutting wood. Hick,
hack', back-We heard it at intervals all
n i g ht; Th'e lean ientieniari, in the op
posite part of the room, now put in his
claire aqinorei. He bad four' notee.
It Id alune. .Wcould be .
.written and
played. any'day. We litafghed ontright, ;
and inwardly resolved.tb find tha-fellow 1 .
out, aud see:. , y,liatl he was like by day 4 ,4
light. He played onlometime; and then
finished with a sadden combination of
sounds amen& the constitnent parts of ;
which we could plainly distingnish:ahiss,
Out two snee zes His exit reminded ue
of those creationeto -be'
003116'.0)lideb;'in,`
which• whitl..roundinzatoround - androuniff
tand;:then .extiledeci.Avkth, a;, phibitail,
imitisrgsuretWbelbenntenualy rapplaitdedi
by the enlightened audience. TAata4
was something in this gentleman's sue=
ring, which touched our feelings. A
fine'dpirited fellow he was, we warrant,
Full of life and aniination, and not in
dined to hide his light under a bushel.
What became of him, hoWever, after the
explosion, we cannot say. Mi left
we "silente, and his eveporatiOn we
almost lainehted. We should like to
k ow howeVer, whether any law can be ,
put it es - quisition against these gentry,
Or why we have not the same right to
practise on the fionibene, on board the.
steamboat, that they possess of "pier
cing the night'sclull ear," by such pomp
ous dieplays of nasal ability ?
Bad Breath.
There is nothing more offensive inthe
world than •a bad breath. It is vulgar as'
well as offensive. In a man iris quite be
yond endurance; in a woman absolutely
horrible. We would jtist as soon think
of marrying a girl with the smell .pox
as one with impure breath. But as
loathsome as the odors of bad breath
are, it is the simplest thing in'the world
to have at times a sweet'and ineffensfre
breath aye, sweet as the breath of a
new=born babe.
In the first place, keep a clean mouth,
which is easily done by having all decay
removed by the use of 'a
_good tooth
brush; with a little soap and water night .
and morning. Commoi toilet soap will
do, but motile soap is preferable,, as it is
more strongly , , alkaline and contains less
impurities. The teeth are decayed and
filled with tartar, and discolored by the
acids and vitiated by secretion of the
stomach and' the mouth, which may be
perfectly counteracted and cleansed by
soap which contains, _alkaline. If it
is made by the teeth, an observance 'of
these„ directions will thoroughly and
surely eradicate it:- It may. be naceess:
ry to go elsewhere for the tame, where
it is frequently found—to the stomach.
If the, breath is bad from this cause, the
tongue will be-coated, the Stomach op-
pressed with perhaps heartburn and acid
eructation.. Correct it by leaving off
all diet of indigestible • charabtef—cut
off one-half of the quantity put into the
stomach at each meat, and our word for
it, the remedy will succeed most admir
ably, and you will be, blessed with one
of Nature's greatest bleiiings--a natu
ral breath,
A SHOAT CONNUBIAL LEOTUltx:—Soold
ing ? am not scolding 1 I never do;
Rasher 1 If I-express my mind about
anything you begin to-talk about "cur
tain lectures" and , all that kind of vulgar
stuff: Men have fairly worn out their
awn tongues . talking about women's
tongues, yet I've got-te live to Bee the
day when' a man admired a quiet wo
man. You always see them running af
ter the silliest chatter-boxet: The fas
ter they can talk, and the more' foolish
things they can say, the better they like '
'em—provided always it ain't their Own,
wife ! ' It's only last night, at Mrs
low Dock's, yon,wes' perfectly infritua
ted with that Mrs. -Giggle that we wo
men despise. I had to laugh in my sleeve,
to see how you stuck , by her side the
whole evening. Jealous ? got a bit of
it. Me and Grimace were Watching you
and enjoying ourselves very much.' Grimy
ace told,me it was , surprising tor See a
man with such a wife 'as you had, inter
ested in that-silly little. Widow: Yon ,
were charmed .with her good nature ? I
presume so. You'd rather lave some
body with an eternal smile on their face,-
than to heer the wittiest things said'in
•
cutting wary.
,The fact is, Rasher, you' i re
not a judge of the female sex ; they can
null the wool over your eyes without
least difficulty. Yon presuthe , l am as
well aware of that weakness as silicone ?
Ohi,now, , don't be getting sharp—it ain't
becoming of:you Give, me the money
I asked for, that's want of ycin: • Of
course it's, all I, ever want, of you. • Men
:sverel9 2 4l l9 - to earn money, and-women tot
,speria it ; that's what's the-matter, ,me.
Rasher.
ar A. young man and his sweetheart ,
etet!Ped at - a country. tavern Their
awkward ap,pearanee,exOted•the atten-
tion of one of the family e who common-:
cad a honversation with the femele in 2
inquiring how far she--bad traveled- that
asy-VdTraveled 1" the )
ger •indignantly; "Vie did a tiit teavol,:wie
A clergyman,. who , yinvoonstding'
a young widow upon the death of her
hushand, spoke in a_veiT - serious tone,
r'em'arkingthat "he 'w as on'etV•i' fe w
"lon' olinnat Mid his equal you know"
I 'To 'Whin* the sabbing fair •OneriVied t
With' deli t &Oren Weir 1 "1 (43
now, but
VOL. 10.-NO. 39.
Pray tell the, ladies, if you can,
Who is the highly favored man
Who, though he's married many a wife,
May be a bachelor all his life?
, :What is it that makes every body sick
bckt those who swallow it ?—.Flattery.
Why is a'pair of skates like an apple ?
-They have occasioned the fall of man.
Whit trade is the sun ?—A tanner.
What is that which is above all hu
man imperfections, and yet shelters the
weakest and the 'wisest, as well as the
wickedest of all mankind 2—A hat.
When Socrates was asked why he had
built for himself so small a house, he re
plied, "small as it is, I wish I could fill
it with friends." These; indeed, are all
that a wise man would desire to assem
ble ; for a crowd is not company, and
faces are but a gallery of pictures, and
talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there
is no love."
Every man, like Gulliver in Lilliput,
is fasteneid to soma 'spot of earth, by the
thousand small threads which habit and
association are continually throwing
around him. Of these, perhaps, one of
the strongest is here alluded to. When
the Canadian Indians were once solici
ted to emigrate, "What !" they replied,
"shall we say to the bones of our fathers,
'arise, and go with us into a foreign
land ?'"
When does a cow become real estate ?
When turned into a field.
What smells the most in a drug shop t
The nose.
There is no, pride in heaven, because
there is no corruption for it to thrive on.
If a lady yawns half a dozen times in
succession, you may get your hat.
'"Time works wonders'," as the lady
said wen she got married after an eight
years' courtship.
What military order is like a lady
crossing the , street on awet day? Dress
up in front and, close up in the rear,
A 10y, who.was a strict observer of
etiquette, being unable to go to church
one Sunday, sent her card.
The age of a young lady_ is now ex
pressed acCording to the present style
,of Skirts, by saying that eighteen springs,
have passid over her head.
. ,
A lady,who was very modest and tac
iturn before marriage was observed by a
friend to use her tongue pretty freely
afterwards. "There was a time," said
he,""when - I almost imagined she had
none." "Yes," said her husband, with a
sigh, "but it's very long since.
"I believe the jury have been inocula
led for stupidity," said a testy lawyer.
"That - May be," replied his opponent ;
"but the bar and the court are of opin
ion that you had it in the natural way."
Henry Iy., having bestowed the cor
don blen on a gentleman, at the solici
tation of the Dnke de Nevers, when the
cellar was put on, the gentleman made
the:customary speech, "Sire,' am not
Ntorthy.'"l know it well," said the king.
i'What , on earth am I to do with that
corrigible son of mine?" inquired an
anxious father: "Dress him in a suit of
shepherd's plaid;" was'the reply. "Why
what possible benefit would that be?"
Amended the wondering parent. "It
would,, at least, be the way of keeping
him in check."
Young ladies, if you've got a bean
to dispose 0f,,, now's your time—expose
'him to the draft:
"What's the use," said an idle fellow,
`!of a man's working himself to death to
get a living ?"
There are - more lies' told in the brief
sentence, "glad to see you," than in any
other in the English language.
" A dish washing machine is the last
invention.. It will, among other things.
wash knives andlorks without wetting
the handles.
some people are , never contented.
After having all their limbs broken,
their beads smashed, and their brains
knocked lout, they' will actually go to
law, and try to get further damages.
• Shoemakers and milkmen make good
sailors—they areboth
,nsed to working
at: the pumps.
Thilie who are roost *eery of life and
,yetruoit unwilling to die, are such ais
,Dave lived to no parpose,wto have rath
er breatho thcta Three"
„ One: abut. cotemporaties says be gog
a horse givan,to him. -He forgot to add
the- word nwhippiog:r
MMA
Nat,nre, when she beatitirni
!leadticorgkikgl9;44Bo#lo4.with *gra
.tion,of her own work that she foets
`the brains.
Odds and Ends.
A clergyman.