THIS COCKE
By RIVES MATTHEWS
YED WORLD
FRANK E. GIMLETT, a prospector from Salida, Colo., is in Washing-
fon trying to find out what the Government is going to use for money.
“They have things in such a mess now that only a wizard can solve it.
Prospectors dig gold out of the ground, sell it to the Treasury, and they
turn around and bury it in another hole in Kentucky and hire soldiers to
guard it.” Mr. Gimlett wants us to réturn to gold and silver currency be-
cause “we would get rid of them germ-carrying dollar bills.
1,014 germs on every dollar bill.
And most people find dollars of any
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KING IBN SAUD of Arabia is
credited with the strength of forty
men. It is reliably reported that he
has forty sons, which suggests that
he used a saud-off shot-gun more
than once in his matrimonial career.
THE POPE'S Swiss Guards have
scrapped their halberds and are now
sporting 1840 muzzle-loaders, now
as rusty as Ronald Firbank’s Old
Maid’s pearl handled revolver. The
change of weapons is interpreted as
the Pope’s contribution to disarma-
ment.
A HEADLINE writer, who has
long been annoyed by the spelling
of Bette Davis’ name, captioned her
recent marriage as follows: “BETTE
PRETTE HAPPE TODAY.”
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U. S. COTTON is being shipped to
Russia at a great rate these days,
although Russia, herself, grows cot-
ton. Now word comes via Switzer-
land that Russia is shipping 100,000
bales a month to Germany. Cotton
is used for making bandages—and
high explosives—and clothes. The
more cotton we sell for munitions,
the more bandages we'll sell, and
the fewer clothes. But the bandage
market is better. There is more
cotton in an abdominal drssing than
there is in a modern evening gown,
and bandages must be changed more
often. Who called. them ‘smiling
fields of cotton,” anyway ?
HOWARD HOPSON, utility mag-
nate, on trial for gigantic figure
juggling, is said to have lost his
mind. The court stenographer also
admitted his “mind had lost its con-
tinuity,” after eight weeks of taking
evidence. Crazy, like a fox, is what
~ we'd call the man who was “con-
victed of stealing more money than
anyone in modern times.”
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CLARK GABLE and wife, Carole
Lombard, after stopping off at the
White House to be present at an
historic Fireside Chat, journeyed to
famed Johns Hopkins Hospital in
Baltimore, where he-man Gable,
taking no risks, wanted to find out
what was the matter with a broad
but aching shoulder. Next day den-
tal surgeons yanked one of the!
Gable molars, now destined for a
place in the Hall of Fame alongside
those of Mrs. Franklin D. Roose-
velt’s, the world’s most famous, and
of Duchess Wally Windsor, who re-
cently parted with a few at Miami,
‘Florida.
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TIM MEDDLIN of the News-
Messenger, Marshall, Tex. says:
“People who claim the home town
newspaper doesn’t print all the
news should be glad that it doesn’t.”
ok Ek Ek
SCIENTISTS recently tried to find
out the cause of chronic drunkeness
and so the Dallas Morning News
headlined the story as follows:
“SCIENCE TO TAKE DRUNK
APART TO FIND WHAT MAKES
HIM HIC.”
DON'T FISH HEAR? Of course
they do, because, according to a
Department of Interior bulletin just
issued, they are capable of making
sounds. “Contrary to the wide-
spread belief that fishes possess no
voices and therefore must lead a life
of perpetual silence, many fish are
quite noisy creatures.” The grunt,
for example, makes a loud, grunting
noise, and a school of them “play-
“ing around the bottom of an anchor-!
ed boat on a still, tropical night
will make enough noise to awaken
the sleeping crew.” Good Lord, deli-
ver us from ghoulies and ghosties,
and things that go grunt in the
night!
PAUL MCNUTT has been named
the ninth best dressed man in the
world by U. S. tailors. “One is rather
embarassed by all this, and I think
the less said the better.” McNutt
hates publicity as much as Lindberg
* does—at least that's what we're
supposed to believe.
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REC’s Mr. Jones, addressing some
Manhattan big shots recently, said:
“We have no boom, and I hope we
never have another. Prosperity is
hard to stand.” A boom is a boom-
erang, in other words.
TOMATOES were long considered
poisonous because they belong to
the same botanical family as the
deadly nightshade and the Jimson
weed. In Germany they are tabooed
as “a Jewish fruit,” because, of
course, they must be imported, and
Hitler has a horror of spending
money outside of Germany for food-
stuffs.
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DARWIN reports seeing the ant-
lers of a stag shot by Frederick I
which showed sixty points. Wonder
if that’s where the expression comes
from? Can’t you see the old stag
concluding with: “I guess that'll
show you a few pointers, young
buckeroo!”’
# %k k k k
There are
Silver and gold are allergic to germs.”
variety allergic to them.
THE LOW DOWN FROM
HICKORY GROVE
It is a different story if
it is your own horse that
is gored. We been paying
too little attention to what
is happening to the other
guy.
We read, kinda casual-
like, about what the Govt.
is doing to one outfit or
another outfit, and we
give out a ho-hum, and
turn over to the funnies
or the fashions. Until the
lightning strikes us per-
sonal, we snooze.
a2
And one thing I got in
mind is out in Oregon and
Washington and Idaho.
The folks there, they stood
by and watched the Govt.
harpoon the light com-
pany—and didn’t bat an
eye. But now today, with
the light company’s hide
half-way on the fence, the
Government has begun
crackin’ down on the citi-
zens thereabout, and say-
ing what they gotta do,
and where they will get
their lights, and the price,
etc. The folks there are
not liking it so good. They
laid down the funnies too
late.
But with over one mil-
lion persons on the Govt.
payroll and all of ’em
scraping around trying to
stir up something to make
‘em look busy, anybody's
horse may be mnext—
whether you live in Idaho
or Kalamazoo, or else-
where.
Yours with the low down,
JO SERRA
THE OLD
SCRAPBOOK
By "Bob" Sutton
One of the greatest needs today
is consecrated conversation.
An excuse is a mental ghost.
A crowd is not company.
It is never the mob that matters
in the end.
THE CROSS
A Cross? That?
That shapely, smooth-wrought thing
of shimmering gold,
That lovely, polished: mass so finely
tooled,
i Clean, straight, symmetrical, beau-
tiful,
In the dim, religious light upon the
altar—
That, a cross?
The cross?
Against a darkened sky, three cross-
es;
Rough hewn, sharp edged, splintery;
No studded elegance there, nor
smoothness,
But nails, and tearing flesh, and
blood!
Ah, God, blood, and agony, and
death!
The cross—beautiful ? ? ?
THAT—A CROSS? ?
—Charles S. Braden
We may repeat high-sounding
words and phrases about our neu-
trality in the present war, but when
we deliberately help one side to de-
feat the other, are we neutral?
When we give money and arms for
one portion of Europe to slay the
other portion, can we say we are
neutral? Is it either Christian or
Amefican to take part in such a
devilish scheme as this present war ?
Haven't we enough to do to defend
our own land against the enemy
without lending the supplies we need
to other nations? Our first, great-
est and only defense should be in
America, then no foe, however
strong, could dare to attack us.
More power to the No Foreign War
Committee, which tries to teach the
true principles of American democ-
racy to us Americans.
to what we've been told by a Man-
okin River oysterman. Seems one
of his city clients claimed his oysters
weren't fresh, because the ones on
top of the barrel showed their ruf-
fles and appeared dried out. So
our friend, coming to inspect them,
merely stamped on the floor a
couple of times, then dumped the
oysters out of their barrel onto
the floor. The city man was unable
to find “either oyster” less tight
OYSTERS can hear, or, at least,
are sensitive to vibration, according i
than the proverbial clam.
34
opyright 1940
/ 157 /
Lincoln Newspaper Features.
Ini
SECOND THOUGHTS
by
javie aiche
At long last I have caught up
with Stephen Collins Foster. I, too,
dream of Jeanie with the light-
brown hair; in fact, she has become
a night mare. Nightly, when sleep
| has lowered the curtains of my eyes
and raised the blinds from my sub-
| conscious, Jeanie and Old Black Joe
jcavort about the Kentucky Home;
Susanna looks up from Louisiana to
hear her lover plunking his banjo;
the Swanee River plashes down a
channel midway of the phantasma-
goria, and I know I am the victim
of the ASCAP boycott and the in-
eptitude of Broadcast Music, In-
corporated.
Certainly I agree with Westbrook
Pegler that what had been our cus-
tomary radio fare was far from sat-
isfactory. That is most of it was.
But, you could turn the dial over
a wide range of selection; and most
times you finally came up with a
program that was not an abortive
rendition of some old song to a new
set of words, silly words, and with
the music itself tortured to conform
to what is supposed to be the pop-
ular conception of the majority's
liking for what confusedly is called
harmony.
But, why the concentration on
\Stephen Collins Foster and the nos-
talgia he put into the notes and
words? I mean: Why, ‘other than
that BMI can get the stuff for noth-
ing? My complaint goes out against
all but a very few exceptions among
the radio stations. Chicago has one
of those exceptions, so that if you
{tune it on Sunday night at ten
1 o'clock you hear an hour of conden-
“More than a newspaper,
a community institution”
THE DALLAS POST
ESTABLISHED 1889
A non-partisan liberal
progressive newspaper pub-
lished every Friday morning
at its plant on Lehman Ave-
nue, Dallas, Penna., by the
Dallas Post, Inc.
Entered as second-class matter
at the post office at Dallas, Pa.,
under the Act of March 3, 1879.
Subscriptions, $2 a year, payable
in advance.
H. W. Risley, Editor and Publisher
EJs Price: ro... Mech. Supt.
sation of dne of those light operas
and comic operas that men and
women in middle life remember as
the prime favorites a quarter cen-
tury ago.
And what a blessing is Saturday
afternoon! And the Texas Com-
pany’s broadcast of the complete
Metropolitan opera. It does, of
course, seem a little too much of
penance to do, this listening to a
whole week of Stephen Collins Fos-
ter just to arrive at Saturday af-
ternoon and the full of the grand
music off the Metropolitan stage,
along with the Opera Quiz entre
acte, the speaking of Mrs. August
Belmont and her aides, and the
soothing translation to English of
the story of the opera by the dulcet
Milton Cross.
After long preparation for what
might be called a strike, and after
the weeks of boycott by ASCAP, it
appears that the combined intelli-
gences and genius of BMI evolved
exactly five of what are known as
song hits. And you and I have
heard those five sung from every
program on the dial night after
night—up to the time when we be-
gan to silence the radio while we
searched the schedules for something
representative of a change in auri-
cular diet.
Well, there is no cloud without
a silver lining. In the gloom at hand
there has been incentive to look
over the book shelves and find what
it is we missed of reading in the
years since radio began to take up
our leisure. For your correspondent
it may be said that magazines reg-
ularly delivered and sometimes un-
opened have started to pour out an
amazing wealth of enjoyment. And,
too, there has popped up in the li-
brary a book put aside in bygone
years and forgotten, but now ap-
preciated.
Have you newspaper publishers
made the most of the situation?
Has it been, by you, fully realized
how your chief competitor, the ra-
dio, has taken a decidedly second
place to the press as a medium of
catering to the easy-chair hours?
Certainly the advertisers who spend
their millions on the radio need to
be told the uselessness of sounding
off their wares when no one is lis-
tening to them.
J Bad Leadership
! Alderson, Pa.
The Post:
It is high time some one began
talking about one of the greatest
menaces this country faces today—
and that is organized labor. No one
with an ounce of brains will deny
that unprincipled individuals and
soulless corporations kept the la-
boring man in a pitiable condition
for years. That being so, no one can
deny that labor unions were a ne-
cessity. They were conceived and
fostered by unselfish men with high
ideals who persevered and finally
won out against almost unsurmount-
able opposition. The memory of
these pioneers in the labor move-
ment is revered and loved by thou-
sands of laboring men. But this
movement that started out to be a
great boon to mankind has attract-
ed selfish and unprincipled men to
its ranks who have wormed their
way into its very core.
Today we find these men at or
near the top directing the course of
labor. Its ranks and leadership are
stuffed with zealots who are either
out and out communists or poisoned
with some other foreign ideology.
Some. have succeeded in getting
huge salaries which they do not
earn, while others are satisfied to
use labor as a vehicle to spread in-
sidious foreign isms that engender
class hatred and lead eventually to
revolution, Labor with such leaders
is in the saddle and riding whip and
spur to a fall, not alone for them-
selves, but our beloved nation as
well.
Harry B. Allen,
The Bystander
Defends President
Dallas, Pa.
Editor, The Post:
In last week’s Post Harry B. Al-
len attacks our great president be-
cause he has the courage to tell us
that we must give all possible aid
to Britain.” With the great burden
Mr. Roosevelt carries during this
crisis it seems to me pretty small of
. Mr. Allen and our Congressmen not
THE SAFETYEVALVE
Ng
FREEDOM
The colummists and con-
tributors on this page are
allowed great latitude in
expressing their own opin-
ions, even when their
opinions are at variance
with those of The Post
PS]
to be patriotic enough to quit stab-
bing the president in the back all
of the tim¢. Hasn't Mr. Roosevelt
promised ‘us that he will not lead
us into war? He has sons of his
own and I know he does not want
them to die on some far-away bat-
tlefield. Also if we need a dictator
to give us work, shorter hours and
put some people in their place why
should any one complain if the dic-
tator is a great man like our presi-
dent.
A Patriotic Citizen
Takes Issue
Editor, Dallas Post:
May I correct in your paper an
item published in the Sunday Inde-
pendent under date of January 12,
stating; ‘Herb Lahr was toying with
the idea of rejoining the American
Progressive League, Inc.” I have
no intention of doing so now or any
other time while the present officers
are at the head of the organization,
as I. am no “yes” man. In as far
as the item stating that I had a
bare knuckle fight with Paul Hughey
before leaving the organization. It
is a deliberate falsehood, but I feel
this isya matter to be taken up with
the writer of the article in the Inde-
pendent and an apology and cor-
rection forthcoming from him as it
is not the ‘first misstatement which
has been published in the Back
Mountain notes about me. I am fed
up with them and I still can stand
on my own two feet.
Herbert Lahr
by
The Post's Readers
Defends Merchants
Editor, The Post:
The letter in Safety Valve last
week signed by Mrs. M. K., to my
minds needs correction in so far as
it concerns our stores. Mrs. M. K.
advocates a campaign to compel our
merchants to install telephones. I
am sure Mrs. M. K. can get tele-
phone information from any one of
our leading stores without excep-
tion.
Our three leading grocery stores,
our two restaurants, our three ga-
rages, two clothing stores and every
business place, with one exception
have phone service.
Let me suggest to Mrs. M. K. in
all friendly spirit, that if our local
merchants were patronized, she and
all others would receive the prompt
and courteous service that our
merchants can and will extend. Let
me add that money spent with local
merchants, stays here in Dallas, is
paid out for wages and goes toward
a properous community, whereas the
store without phone service which
is evidently the one Mrs. M. K. pat-
ronizes, or she would know the
others have phones, has no connec-
tion whatever with the. develop-
ment of the Back Mountain area. No|
money stays here, no contributions
are made to local affairs, not even
to our fire company which protects
all property. I suggest to Mrs. M. K.
that she spend her money where it
will help to make a “better com-
munity,” and where ‘phone service”
is free for the asking.
H. A, Smith
‘May Broadcast Poem
It may interest you to know that
John V. Heffernan’s poem “I Love
the United States,” which first ap-
peared in The Dallas Post, has been
given favorable consideration by
David F. Merriman, director in
charge of program selections for
Broadcast Music, Incorporated. Mr.
Heffernan’s poem is now being set
to music and if acceptable to B. M.
I. will be used on one or all three of
the National radio chains.
George May
THE SENTIMENTAL SIDE
By EDITH BLEZ Ape
and successful that we were going
before we go to town 2”
coming. The hat! The hat our fair
FOOTNOTES
By EMMONS BLAKE
All this argument between The
American Society of Composers,
Authors and Publishers and Broad-
cast Music Incorporated, makes one
wonder what his favorite song is and
why he likes it. One reason for a
favorite song is the associations;
people like to hear a piece of music
played because together with that
song they remember pleasant experi-
ences past, when it was played or
sung. In almost any fiction maga-
zine one can read, ‘—she recalled
with a sigh, that there too the or-
chestra was softly playing, The Blue
Danube.”
One of my favorite songs is a
piece now being boycotted on the
airlanes, Scatterbrain. I like it
not because of a perfect melody, or
matchless lyric. I like it because of
the picture it brings to mind.
Last February when the song was
popular, I had a weekend off from
my job on the Eastern Shore of
Maryland. I had looked forward to
-this weekend for a long time because
I had some rather interesting plans
for amusement. I was going to hitch-
hike a hundred miles down the
shore cross the Chesapeake Bay,
visit some friends of mine at Nor-
folk, Va., and hitch-hike back to
work,
The air, back there in Maryland
at that time, was full of the winter
snap, and as I walked down one
stretch of white road flanked on
both sides by tall green pine trees
I was tempted to leave the hitch
off my hitch-hiking trip. While
striding by a small, weather-beaten
negro shack surrounded by a rail
fence, I sang at the top of my voice, |
the lyric of Scatterbrain which I!
had recently learned. And now,
whenever I hear Scatterbrain I can’t
help seeing the picture of me with
my first hat, my first overcoat and
my first gloves*, caroling to those
pines and to the cow in the small
yard that kept the new green grass
clipped like a lawn. Two small col-
ored boys came off the porch of the
shack and ran along on the other
side of the fence bordering the road.
In the short time I was passing they
could not get the words to the music
went running back to the house
singing with improvised rimes, one
of them kicknig an old dishpan with
his bare, brown feet in time to the
tune.
I am glad a car picked me up at
that moment and carried me further
towards my destination. Cutting the
whole scene off at the end of the
song made it just that much clearer
in my mind.
I wonder if, when one of those
little colored boys hears Scatter-
brain again, he will think of the
boy in the light tan overcoat carry-
ing a hat awkwardly in his leather-
covered hand, striding past the lit-
tle farm.
* Emmons Blake was born in Cali-
fornia, and until last winter, spent
his life there, never needing
gloves, overcoat or hat—Editor.
We enjoyed a pleasant, quiet holiday in our house, and were busy
congratulating ourselves that things had gone along smoothly, until our
fair daughter came down to breakfast on New Year’s Day! New Year's
Eve we went to bed in good season because we wanted to get up early
and go into town to see the Mummers’ parade.
our fair daughter out of bed at a reasonable hour so we felt quite happy
We did manage to get
to have a fine day, when our fair
daughter at breakfast exclaimed: “Couldn’t we do something about my hat
Our heart fell the usual one hundred feet because we knew What was
daughter spends most of her waking
The hat which will finely drive us
insane had something on it which
must be fixed! It couldn’t have been
fixed yesterday or the day before
or any of those days when we were
not going to see the biggest parade
of the year. We mustered up a
feeble smile and said, “What is
wrong with the hat?” “The band
is too tight and every time I try
to get it on it won't stay where I
want it.”
We had just about time enough
to get into town to see the begin-
ning of the parade. We had never
seen the beginning of the Mummer’s
parade and our fair daughter want-
ed us to stop and fix a hat which
could have been fixed a week ago.
From behind the morning paper we
said, “No, we haven’t time to fix any
hat, if it needs fixing you will have
to do it yourself.” We went right on
with our breakfast hoping we look-
ed as if we meant what we said!
our daughter refuses to be dismay-
ed. After slowly consuming her
breakfast, and carefully perusing the
funnies, she offered to help with
the dishes but we insisted that she
go upstairs because it would take
her much longer than it would us
to get ready to see the parade, we
but they caught onto the music and!
kept hoping we were not going to
miss!
We didn’t want any help with the
I dishes because we were in no mood
{to be trifled with. We knew exactly
what was coming and we had to
have a little time to get ourself to-
gether. We knew our facial expres-
sion wasn’t exactly pleasant. Fif-
teen minutes later we ventured up-
stairs, in one of the five tortured
mirrors stood our fair daughter,
still in her pajamas trying on the
| hat! The bureau was a sad collection
of scissors, ribbons and pins. We
went on with our dressing and when
we came from the bathroom after
delaying our bath as long as possible
our fair daughter was scrambling
into her clothes. From all appear- 3
ances she wasn’t much interested in
| what she was putting on, she was
| evidently saving time for the hat!
We waited what seemed Yours
while the new young lady, who
{causes so much confusion, paced
back and forth a hundred times
trying to decide at what angle the
that looked best. When she did
(finally come downstairs and we saw
{how the hat had been fixed we
| didn’t say a word because we did
| want to see that Mummer’s parade.
Our fair daughter must believe that
a pin will always do the trick, and
if we could draw a little we would
give you a picture of our fair daugh-
ter’s hat after it’s operation. Words
just wouldn't do it justice! Poor
child she has such worries and we
aren’t much help when we are in
a hurry to see a parade!
“SMILING SERVICE ALWAYS”
Oliver's Garage
Hudson Distributor
DALLAS, PENNA.
TI TO NEW YGRK ? iy
|
I}
2-1 {TR 447% ‘ST. HOTEL
A PETTY]
GREAT (greats)
TY EYE
PERSONAL, AUTOMOBILE
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IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO BE
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4 ;
Onward, Christian soldiers,
Marching as to war,
With the cross of Jesus + ,
Going on before!
Christ, the royal Master,
Leads against the foe;
Forward into battle
See His banners go.
The occasion for the writi
banners waving, and crosses
of this famous marching hymn was a .
ston of the Sunday School os of Jorgbive England, in 1865. With Jf \e
gh, t
village to another. singing enthusiastically and forgetting the tiresome
journey.
children proceeded from one
C7
(as LB ig
- FUNERAL DIRECTOR
DALLAS 400 SHAVERTOWN PA./
ry —
hours trying to get onto her head!
We have told you before this that :
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