FREELAKD TRIBUNE.
KBTAKLIBHKI) 1888.
PUBLISHED EVERY
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Make all money orders , checks. etc.,payable
fo the Tribune Printing Company, Limited.
r A Connecticut woman sent her sister
R postcard on which she had written
the admonition, "Thou shalt not steal."
Now she is in trouble with the postal
authoritils. Even Bible texts, it seems,
have their limits.
It is the rule of the War Department
to grant honorable discharges from the
army to soldiers who desire to go into
business In the Philippines. A large
number of officers and men in the vol
unteer regiments have already done
so, and many others whose commis
sions or terms of enlistment expire in
July next have made applications.
In the recent session of the inter
national prison congress held at Brus
sels, the section on juvenile delinquen
ey was strongly in favor of the intro
duction of manual training in juvenile
reformatories, and also by resolution
expressed its conviction that tbe sys
\em of placing children in families
might be combined advantageously
with that of placing them in institu
tions.
The Philadelphia Times makes an
earnest plea for good navy yards, say
ing: "Let us have the navy yards
Btted out for all the work needed and
keep our ships employed and in the
liighest state of efficiency. We have
(one enough of pioneer work for other
Rations with our monitor and turret
construction and tests of modern ord
nance. We can afford to wait until
they show us some valuable lesson,
gnd then being ready with good navy
yards we can take advantage of it.
That is the kind of preparation we
Deed as a protection of peace."
The idea that the husband is the
head of the household by virtue of the
fact that he is a man is a survival of
a bygone age. It won't do nowadays,
exclaims the New York Mail and Ex-
M press. It is the lingering relic of a
species of domestic despotism which
society long since repudiated. The
real head of the household is the one
who, t'7 superior energy, example and
Influence, commands the position. The
accident of sex no longer counts. So
ciety gives the fullest recognition to
the successful competitor, and in this
wholesome decree from one of our Fed
eral courts we have the assurance
that the laws shall be equally Just and
generous.
Uoune of Commons Customs.
Members of the House of Commons
are not allowed to refer to each other
Dy name in debate. The only member
who is properly addressed by name is
the Chairman who presides over the
deliberations of the House in commit
tee. On a member rising to speak in
committee he begins with "Mr. Low
tlier," and not with "Mr. Chairman,"
as at public meetings. When the
Speaker is in the chair, the formula is
"Mr. Speaker, Sir."
Iu debate a member is distinguished
by the office be holds, as "The Right
Honorable Gentleman, the Chancellor
of the Exchequer," or by the constit
uency he represents, as "The Honora
ble Gentleman, the Member for York."
fe</me make use of tiie terms, "My
Honorable Friend," or "My Right
Honorable Friend." In ease of family
relations the same form is usually ob
served. Occasionally "My Honorable
Relative," or "My Right Honorable
Relative" is heard, but "My Right
lonorable Father," or "My Right
/onorable Brother," though no doubt
lllowable, lias not been hitherto used.
—The Nineteenth Century.
Few people get more than they ex
pect in this world.
Owing to a French law compelling
the French mercantile marine to man
only with Frenchmen, the foreign sea
men cannot be introduced to displace
and defeat the French shipping unions.
As a result they are uniformly success
ful in th. ir .t,:i,p.
The area of the United States is 3,-
501.0-0 so'" 1 " i" ; 'cs: that of China is
5,21 .China proper" has
an a square miies.
IF YOU COULD KNOW.
If you could know that half of all I yearn
to be to you. Dear Heart!
Each day that dawns I struggle to be
strong and do my part;
Yet when at last the night comes softly
down, I humbly pray—
Lord, grant me still to prove my tender
love, just one more day.
Just one more day to strive to rise above
small troubles, petty care,
That my cramped soul may break its
earth-forged bonds, at last to dare
To face the future and to gladly live with
courage new.
Loyal and cheerful facing toward the light
for truth and you.
By Helen Forrest Graves.
MRS. POPHAM WING had
company to tea. Company to
ten meant something with
Mrs. Popham Wing. It meant
the big silver tea service, with the
twisted silver serpents for handles,
and queer clusters of frosted oak
leaves on tlic top—it meant ten that
would have made old Doctor Johnson
turn over in ills grave, and coffee clear
as amber—it meant biscuits like mag
nified flakes of snow, and hot waffles
—it meant raspberry jam, lucent honey
in the comb, and poundcake that was
a mountain of gold underneath a pear
ly crust of Icing—it meant cream
puffs and dainty home-made maca
roons—it meant broiled spring chick
ens, aud silver-gleaming sardines,
dripping with their native oil; and,
moreover, it generally meant a touch
of mild after-dyspepsia to nil who par
took thereof.
The six matrons around the table
were just begiuuiug to appreciate the
flavor of their tirst cup, miugled with
a luscious morsel of current gossip.
"A little more sugar, if you please,
Mrs. iV iug," said Mrs. Deacon Hyde.
"Yes; it's quite true. Ask Mrs. Mow
bray if it isn't."
Mrs. Mowbray shook her head until
the artificial bees in her cap bobbed
around ns if they contemplated an im
mediate swarming.
"Yes," said she, lugubriously; "I be
lieve Sybil lias made up her mind at
last."
"Not to marry Mark Chesterfield?"
cried Mrs. Popham Wing, setting
down the teapot in such a hurry tlint
the serpent's tail thereon came in vio
lent contact with the side of the sugar
basin.
"Yes, to marry Mr. Chesterfield."
"She's very unwise," said Mrs. Wing.
"Not but that Mark is an excellent
man, aud n good provider, besides
being a member of the church. I
ought to know, for ills first wife was
my own sainted niece, Priscilla Capsi
cum. But he's a crotchety man; he's
a man that bus his own ideas."
"We all have, I suppose," said Mrs.
Mowbray, making a feeble attempt to
stem the tide of popular opinion that
seemed to be running so strong against
Mr. Mark Chesterfield.
"Oh, yes!" said the Widow Munger;
"but there's a difference in ideas, you
know. Now, Mark is very trying
about a house. They do say he wor
ried your dear Priscilla Capsicum iuto
her grave."
"Ah—h—!" groaned Mrs. Wing,
helping herself to a pinch of tliiuly
shaved smoked beef.
"He's an excellent man!" said Mrs.
Munger. "I haven't a word to say
against him, but I wouldn't let a
daughter of mine become ills wife
no, not if I buried 'em tirst!"
"There isu't much danger of that,"
thought Mrs. Mowbray, who was fully
cognizant of the fact that the three
Misses Munger were red-haired, freck
led and otherwise not particularly
qualified to attract the attention of
gentlemen in search of matrimonial
partners.
But slie didn't say so; and just then
the attention of the tea-drinking cabal
was called to the sight of the new min
ister, crossing the street to call on
Benetta .Tones, and the conversation
flowed into another channel.
Mrs. Mowbray went home and re
ported the whole discussion to her
daughter Sybil, a plump, brown-haired
girl of eighteen, with large, almond
shaped eyes, a short, straight nose,
and a chin which, round and dimpled
though it was, expressed character in
no common degree.
"My dear, do yon think you are
wise?" asked Mrs. Mowbray, hesita
tingly—for she was one of those hu
man dry leaves who are blown hither
and yon by every gale of opinion.
"I'l risk it, mother," said cheerful
Sybil. "Nobody can pretend to per
fection iu this world, and 1 like Mr.
Chesterfield."
So the next month there was a wed
ding iu St. Aloyslus' Church, and Sy
bil Mowbray became Mrs. Mark Ches
terfield.
Mr. Chesterfield was a tall, well
made man, with pleasant blue eyes,
an abundance of chestnut hair, and
leg-of-mutton side whiskers.
Sybil, in her secret girlish heart,
thought him a second Apollo.
The wedding tour to Niagara Falls,
Montreal and Quebec was delightful;
so was the homecoming to tlie pretty,
cheerful house in Larkspur street.
"But there's no piano, Mark," said
Sybil, as she flitted in and out of the
rooms. "Oh, you must get me a
piano."
"1 am not n millionaire, my love,' 1
Bald he; "I am only a man on a salary,
Pianos are expeuslve."
And yet I feel in spite of all the heights
which I can never scale,
In spite of all the many tests in which I
daily fail,
That my deep 10-fe, more deep and pure
and strong than I can ever show.
You somehow, through my failures, doubts
and fears,, will come to know.
The dreary clouds can't hide the sun for
aye, it glimmers through;
The sweet, wet violet, struggling through
dead leaves, still shows its blue.
And so I trust, though oft I strike love's
chord with clumsy hand,
You'll feel the melody I tried to play, and
understand.
—Cosmopolitan.
"Does it cost so much to live?" asked
Sybil, the current of her enthusiasm
somewhat chilled.
"I have made a study of these
tilings, Mrs. Chesterfield," said her
husband, sitting down before the fire,
which made the October twilight so
ruddy and cheerful. "Domestic econ
omy, in its way, is quite as much of u
science as political economy. I have
apportioned things exactly. I know
to a 'T' how much it costs me to live.
1 know the exact correspondence be
tween my income and my outgo. I
know where every penny goes, and
how much it represents. I have ascer
tained— What is it, Gretchen? Tea
ready! Allow me to give you my arm,
Sybil, my love!"
Bright and early the next morning
the butcher called for orders.
Sybil wus about to lay out the bill
of fare for the day, when Mr. Chester
field came out of the dining-room, his
dressing-skirts streaming "like a me
teor to the troubled air."
"My dear, pray excuse me!" snkl
Mr. Chesterfield; "I always attend to
these things. In our cireumslunces
the strictest economy is necessary."
Sybil went back to the parlor some
what mortified.
"This carpet Is a little worn," said
she to her mother, who had come
around to pass an hour or two with
them. "I was thinking that it would
be a good plan to put it in our bed
room, and buy a new one for the par
lor. Worn Brussels is of ull carpets
the shabbiest."
But Mr. Chesterfield vetoed this
proposition at once.
"Costs too much, my dear—costs too
much," he said. "I liuve studied this
sort of thing "
"Mark," said Mrs. Chesterfield,
"how much is your income?"
Mr. Chesterfield laughed.
"Now, my dear," said he, "you are
getting beyond your province."
"No; but really?"
"Really, dearest, it ueedn't concern
you In the least!" answered he, lightly.
And Sybil, a little hurt, asked no
more.
A month went by—two months—
three months—and Sybil came to her
husband.
"Mark," said she, "I'm not satisfied
with the way things are going."
"Not satisfied, my love?"
"I want to keep house, Mark. As it
is, I am only a mere figurehead at
your table. Won't you let me try?"
"Little puss, what do you know
about housekeeping?" demanded Mark,
satirically.
"But I couid learn. Just for one
year."
"You'll ruin mo, Sybil."
"If I do, we'll break up house, and
I'll go out as housekeeper somewhere
else, until I have earned wagesenough
to set yon right again! Just give me
the monthly sum you expend for our
hills, and let nte deal it out!"
"Well, well, if you insist upon it.
But I'm perfectly certain you'll be
bankrupt before the quarter Is out."
"Try me, that's all!"
As (lie time went by toe Chesterfield
table was mere amply supplied than
ever with the delicacies of the season.
Little dainties made their appearance
at which Mr. Chestertied opened his
eyes.
"Ruinous—perfectly ruinous!" he
commented within himself. "She'll be
coming to me in tears, presently, to
settle the extra bills, but she never
would be satisfied until she hail tried
the experiment."
But, although he waited patiently
for the briny tears, and the file of
tradesmen's bills, they never came.
And at the expiration of six months,
lie came home just as six porters were
staggering up ids front steps having a
superb piano on their shoulders.
"Hello!" cried he. "Some mistake!"
"No mistake at all. my dear." an
swered the voice of Mrs. Chesterfield
from tlie parlor window. "It's ours.
I bought it yesterday."
"And who's to pay for It?" roared
Mr. Chesterfield, the big veins in his
forehead growing tense ns ropes.
"It's already paid for, Mark. I set
tled that!" said the lady calmly.
"May I a:;k where you got the
money?" demanded her husband, with
dangerous politeness.
"Oh, certainly," answered Sybil. "I
saved It out of the housekeeping
money!"
"Impossible!"
"I'll show you my account, dear, by
and-by—square Hp to date."
And she did so. Mr, Chesterfield
found it difficult to believe that a
woman could pay the household bill
of their establishment',"lind save
money out of .Jlfio e month.
"I sairto'tbings myself," said Sybil.
"The cook didn't like it, and ga re
warning. I cooked myself until I could
get some one to take her place, and I
have now a tidy little German woman,
who is not above being dictated to by
me. I discharged the baker, who gave
us poor bread at fabulous prices, and
did the baking myself twice a week.
I checked off the grocer's account per
sonally, and I asked him what he
meant by charging us with two boxes
of raisins, when I only ordered one,
Since that thne his bills have been ma
terially less. I weighed the meat my
self, and compared it with the butch
er's bill. The discrepancy was so no
ticeable that I changed butchers. The
second month our expenses were full
a third less, and they have gone on
steadily decreasing ever since. For
the fnture, Mark," she added, "I will
be satisfied with SIOO a month fot
housekeeping money, and engage to
buy a new parlor carpet out of it be
fore the year has expired."
"My dear," said Mr. Chesterfield,
raptuorously, "you're a perfect finan
cier!"
"Every woman is," answered Sybil,
"if she can only get a chance. And
now, let me sit down and play you a
tune on my new piano."
After this things went like velvet in
the Clicsterfleldlan household. Mark
was more than satisfied with his wife's
administration of financial affairs,
and Sybil felt that she had conquered
his prejudice at last.
And the next ten company at Mrs. '
Popham Wing's came to the unani
mous verdict thnt Sybil Chesterfield
was a hnppy wife, in spite of their
prognostications.
"If poor, dear Priscilln could only
have managed Mark so, she might
have been nlive at this minute," said
Mrs. Wing.—Saturday Night.
PROFESSIONAL EATERS.
An Outcome of the Proverbial
ity of the Devil's take Sioux.
O. A. Wright, of Madison, Wis., Su- !
pervisor of Indian Schools, brings an
interesting story to Washington con- !
cerntng the professional eaters of the
Sioux Indians on the Devil's Lake
Reservation in North Dakota. The
professional eater among the Devil's
Lake Indians, according to Supervisor
Wright, pursues a recognized profes
sion which entitles him to distinction
and eminence, measured largely by
his capacity. The more capacity the
more eminence and distinction.
The Sioux of Devil's Lake are a hos
pitable people. A guest must be fed, 1
and the table placed before him must I
be bountifully supplied. If not, it is a
gross violation of Indian etiquette, J
which subjects offenders to harsh
criticism. The obligation on the part
of the guest is equally binding. Very
often the latter is the unfortunate vic
tim of too much kindness. If, how
ever, he should fail to dispose of all
the food placed before liirn Ills offence
would be as great as thnt of the host
whose larder failed to respond to the
demands of the prevailing social usage
among these Indians.
The capacity of some of these pro
fessional eaters is phenomenal. They
are said to be carefully trained to
their calling, and the returns for their
services are certainly very remunera
tive to the Indian mind. One who is
about to make a call and who feels
thnt he will not be equal to the occa
sion secures a professional eater. The
latter secures for his services the food
lie devours and $1 in addition. Super
visor Wright met one of these profes
sional gentlemen at Devil's Lake who
had recently performed the remarks
i ble feat of eating seventeen pounds of
fresh beef. Some doubt is expressed
here as to the possibility of a man eat
ing so much meat at one setting. Mr.
Wright told tlie officials, however, that
the story is vouched for by Agent Get
ehell and Father Jerome, the latter
Catholic missionary at Devil's Lake.
The Supervisor added that the Indian
was extremely modest amid the show
er of congratulations bestowed upon
him by friends and admirers. St.
Louis Globe-Democrat.
Didn't Mean to lie Funny.
There Is a certain Hyde Park cler
gyman whose usually tripping anil el
oquent tongue runs off the track occa
sionally, so to speak, and betrays him
iuto amusing mistakes and blunders
iu the course of his pulpit oratory.
Such a mistake occurred one Suuday
evening not long ago, and the younger
and less serious members of his con
gregation are laughing over it yet.
The preacher had occasion to refer
to the text "Set Thou my feet iu a
large place" several times iu the course
of the evening's prayer and sermon,
and perhaps he had grown a little
tired of that particular phase, or
! feared that his listeners had. So,
I when in the course of the after-ser
! molt prayers, lie desired to convey the
i same idea again, he employed a dif
ferent set of words to this purpose:
"Thou luiowest, O Lord," he prayed,
therefore, "how small and mean and
crowded are the places whereupon we
often stand on earth. Choose, Thou,
dear Lord, a large place and establish
my feet thereon." Chicago Times
llerald.
( i Kouvenlr Queues.
Among the greatest curios that the
invaders will carry from China are
queues. A good, clean, well-braided
, queue is worth $lO, Mexican, and there
j are not many offering for sale. The high
price has led soldiers to go on queue
' raids. Originally they were cut from
dead Chinese, but thnt source being
cut off they are being taken from live
men. A Chinese prides his queue
above all of bin personal adornment,
| and the queue raiders strike terror to
| his heart.—St. I.ouis Democrat.
KING MENELIK'S CAPITAL.
Some Facts About a Place of Which rat
tle is Commonly Known.
Menelik and his Empress arc often
in men's lips, but how many people
we meet would care to say oft hand
what is the name of his capital? Mag
dala we know and Adua we know, be
cause of recent wars, hilt Addis Abeba
enjoys the blessing of having no his
tory. Some say the words mean
"the new white rose," others translate
it "the new flower," but I prefer the
former title.
It Is a unique capital in that It arose
almost in a single night, and is des
tined to disappear as speedily. The
fact is that Abyssinians are utterly
reckless in the matter of forestry, and
whenever a vast number of them live
together, they soon use up all the fuel
available for miles around.
Menelik's former capital, Entotto,
two or throe hours' climb from the
New White Rose, was abandoned not
long ago for that very reason, and
nothing now remains there save two
churches and a few brown ruins of the
palace; ruins', : hot a generation old
how strange that sounds! Already the
New White Rose must bring her fuel
from a great distance at a great ex
pense, and the king of kings is looking
out for another capital.
Of course, the chief interest of
Menelik's capital is Menelik himself,
and I was fortunate in" securing an
audience of forty minutes the day be
fore ho was to start upon a royal pro
gress through the kingdom of Shon.
ITis palace is like a -traggling vil
lage, and I had to ride through court
yard after courtyard of mud huts be
fore I readied the square which con
tains his banquet!-- hall, court of
justice and hall of audience.
On the forefront of tlie court of jus
tice is a large clock, which never goes
—a fitting symbol of Abyssinian ad
ministration. The banqueting hall is
used on the occasion of great festi
vals to entertain some COOO braves at a
time with huge joints of raw meat.
All squat upon the ground and cut off
portions close to their noses with their
long, curved swords.
Menelik is very much as pictures and
hooks hnvo led you to expect—a stout,
amiable man with a very black face
and short stubby beani. He is quite
bald, so lie wears n cloth tightly tied
around his head, and over that a big
feit wideawnke. His clothes are of
silk, loose striped garments for the
most part, and ids feet are clad in un
laced tennis shoes. 11l his left ear is
a turquoise stud, the badge of an ele
phant killer, and on his left hand is a
gold ring with a diamond set gypsy
fashion. Only royalty may wear gold
In Abyssinia.
I found him seated cross-legged O"'
an ordinary cane chair upon his ver
anda. He was very amiable, and had
plenty of small talk, eked out with
smiles. He did not strike me as par
ticularly intelligent until his Interest
was awakened by a reference to Leon
tieff, the Russian adventurer whom
he intrusted with the management of
a remote province. Then he was
shrewd and alert In a moment, and I
could see how well he would hold his
own in diplomacy. Fearsou's Maga
zine,
An Historical Umbrella.
An interesting historical relic, name
ly the first umbrella of which mention
Is made by French writers, has, our
Paris correspondent states, just been
sold by auction. It fell out of the royal
carriage in the famous flight to Var
ennes, was picked up by a villager and
taken to n newly created Mayoralty,
where it was kept for years. The um
brella is of great size and strength,
and resembles the article used In the
old coaching days by the outside trav
eler. The silk is royal blue, with a
border of China rose. The ribs which
support the whalebone are in gill
bronze, round, and have a corkscrew
ornament twining round them. As to
the handle, it would bear without
bending the stiffest gale. This um
brella is spoken of in a report of the
flight of I .on is XVI and his family.
Louis Philippe got into the habit in
England of walking about with an
umbrella, and was nicknamed "Le
Rol Parapluie."—London News.
Rcaftlrte Outing; For Cattle.
In the Darling Range district 01
western Australin, which runs parallel
to the west coast a distance of from
ten to twenty-five miles inland, cattle
are taken for n few weeks' change of
air to the seaside. It is customary
every year for the keepers of stock in
that district to send their cattle for a
few weeks' change of air to the runs
immediately bordering the coast. The
stay of the cattle on the new grazing
grounds is usually for about six weeks
or a couple of months. The saline
impregnated herbage, which is of very
coarse fiber, is a marvelous tonic, and
the Darling Range herds are the sleek
est and fattest cattle in that part of
the world.
A Tax 011 CltllfllfHA Frenchmen.
A bill lias been introduced into the
French Senate providing for a tax ou
celibates of both sexes after they reach
the age of thirty, and upon childless
couples who have been married for
five years, the tax to be maintained
until n child is born to them. The aim
of the bill is, of course, to provide a
remedy for the threatening depopula
tion of France by Increasing the birth
rate.—Medical Record.
A Unique Watch
A citizen of Lewistou, pfe., has a
watch chain made of nine peach
stones. Each of the stones is carved
ou each side in a different device, so
that there are eighteen designs. The
stones are joined with bars of gold,
the whole making a rich and novel
chain.
THE BOOKS WE USED TO RE A'J. k
I do love readin', that's a fact: Dad used
ter say it took
A pull as strong 's a steer s ter git my,
nose out of a book; > ,
I've sot up nights till after ten tor finish
up a tale, .
And see the hero married and the villain
jugged in jail, .
But lately, I dunno how t is, I ncveP
seem ter find t
The sort of yarns I love, because they re
all of a diff'rent kind;
Seem's if the authors nowadays had sorter
gone ter seed,
Why dorf't they write some stories like
the kind we used ter read?
Yer 'member them old yams? Clee \\ hizti
Say! wasn't they aomethin' prime?
The hero was a duke or lord, yer bet yer,
every time;
And he was mightly harnsome, but most
ginerally pore,
And had a thievin' uncle who was rich aa
all out door.
j He loved a beauchenus damsel, name er .
"Lady Eunesteen."
Her "raven locks" and "fawn-like" eyes
beat all was ever seen;
| He chased her through five hundred long,
thick pages, one by one,
But all the time yer felt nlum-sure he'd
bag her when't was done.
Then there was robbers, tew. that lived
in caves all lined with gold
And piled with kags er di'nion's, jest aa
full as they could hold.
And there was irhosts that hung around
some murdered chap's remains
And used ter sashay round at dark and
howl and clank their chains,
j Yer 'member when yer read them talcs,
upstairs at night, alone,
How every sen'rate hair 'd utile ink when
them things fetched a groan?
But ghosts in these new-fangled hooks
ain't nawthin' more—whv, pshaw!
Yer 'd jos' soon poke 'em in the ribs and
ask 'em fer a chaw.
The hero nowadays don't swear by his
dead father's hones
Ter have some caitiff's blood. TTo ain't no
duke, his name is Jones.
The heroine, she rides a wheel as bold as
ever wuz,
And. drat 'em! they both talk jest like
reel folks that's livin' dors.
Oh! give me back Jane Austen! Ilev?
Or old Sylvan us Cobb!
He was the boy,—Svlvanus was.—yer bet
he knew his job!
Consnrn these modern ehnp. T say, and
all their tiresome breed!
I'd like to git. a novel of the kind we u*cd
ter read.
—Joe Lincoln, in Puck.
JUNCLES AND JcSTE.
Slllicns—"No man is really famous
until lie is dead." Cyniciis— "Boett
reading tombstone inscriptions?"
Eftie—"Jack and I fished for four
hours yesterday." Elsie—"Catch any
thing?" Eftie (coyly)—" Only Jack."—
Town Topics.
Patient—"Do you believe in gliosis,
doctor?" Doctor—"No. ma'am. llow
could I go on practicing if I did?"—
Brooklyn Life.
Bobbs—"Mrs. Nobbs is dressed to
kill tills evening." Dobbs—"Yes; she
bought the outfit at a slaughter sale."
—Baltimore Herald. \
One token of a failing mind—
You'll find this is a fact—
Is to discern that all your kind
Is getting somewhat cracked.
—Chicago Record.
The Deacon—"Do you know what
happens to boys who tell lies?" Small
Youth—"Yessir. They gits off most
times, if tliey tells good ones."—Har
lem Life.
Dora—"l have inj r photo taken every
three years. I think it is so interest
ing." Oracle—"Gracious! Whatever
do you do with them all?" Glasgow
Evening Times.
"You see Clarence told me all I've
told you because I'm his confidential
friend." "No; you mean he told you
because he thinks you are his confi
dential friend."—lndianapolis Journal.
Sir Cynic merits no applause,
He is a selfish elf,
He wants to stop all joy because
He has no fun himself.
—Washington Star.
Lena—"l didn't think you let a man
kiss you on such short acquaintance."
Maude—"Well, he thoroughly con
vinced me that It was all my own
fault that I hadn't met him sooner."—
Smart Set.
He kissed her in the hall,
The clock was there, as well.
"You mustn't, Joe!" she cried. "You
know
They say that time will tell!"
—Philadelphia Record.
Prizes for Faithful Servants.
On the Austrian Emperor's fete day
a number of prizes were distributed 1
to servants who have been a long time;
in the same situution. The prize was
about .$75 In each case. First on the
list was a valet, aged
who had served forty-si:: consecutive;
years in one family. The second was
a nurse, seventy-two years old, whoi
had served forty-two years in one
family; a maid-of-all-work, seventy
seven years old, who had served forty
one years in n nunnery, came next;
then an undercook, aged fifty-fi\*,
who had served thirty-nine years in a
boys' orphanage. There'was a maid-i
of-all-work, aged seventy-six, who
served thirty-nine years in one family!
a kitchenmald sixty-nine years old- i
who had been In the household ofl
Princess Clementine of Coburg fog
thirty-one years, came next, and then,
sixty-eight years, caine one who hail
been lady's maid to Baroness Schoy
for thirty-eight years. Altogether
there were twenty-one names on the
list, and the shortest term of service
was thirty yeurs.—London News.
Origin of the Funny-lloiie.
A lecturer ou osteology at a coll ego
for colored men In Alabamn was enum
erating the different bones of the arm.
He had Just explained that the large
bone connecting the shoulder with the
forearm was called the humerus, when
a young negro in the rear of the hall
rose up, "Doctab," he said, pointing
to the tip of his elbow, "is dis hyar
bone called de funny-bone 'cause It
bordalis on de humorous'.'" Collier's
Weekly.
Few people get more than they ex
pect in this world.