gooo^ooo<}>oos! o A College Joke, t 0 O <>oss>o'.£'ooo *>so§os'OQ , o<& My roommate (Jim) and myself had worked on some geology charts until pretty late, and when we finally closed the books Jim had promptly suggested that we go down to the court for a short game before retiring. I acquiesced, and we went down. A half hour of vigorous exercises, and we were ready for the re freshing shower. This taken and follow ed by u good rub down, we ascended to the main floor of the building. Natural ly, both of us were in the bust of spirits. A full length mirror on the wall near the doorway allowed us to see the main entrance to the dormitory before any one who might be coining in could catch a glimpse (if us. No sooner had we closed the door leading down to the basement than the front door hanged loudly. Of course, we both looked toward the mir ror, in which we saw the reflection of our chum Elbert, immaculate, as usual, in his dress suit and tile hat. "Let's put up a game on Elbert," sug gested Jim. "All right: what shall we do?" I re plied. "He is out in that rig altogether too often," byway of apology for any thing my mischievous pal might propose. "I have it!" exclaimed Jim. "We'll pretend he's full and that we happened along just in time to carry him up stairs. Come on. It'll bo a bully good stunt." Elbert, by the way, although by no means a total abstainer, prided himself on his moderation and on the fact that he had never been known to indulge too heavily. On this particular night he had been to some church affair early in the evening and had dropped into the club on his way home to play a few games of billiards. Quickening our steps, we met our chum just as he was beginning the ascent of the first flight. "Hello, Elbert; out late again?" "This will never do, old man." "Have to tell Maud if you don't keep bet ter hours, you old scamp!" "What! Been drinking! And after a church festival in the bargain! Oh, Elbert, you're going to the devil fast!" "By the bones of Me thuselah, hut lie's full!" This last ex clamation from Jim, who promptly grab bed the bewildered Elbert by the coat sleeve and motioned me to do the same. "What in Jericho is the matter with you fellows?" snapped Elbert. "Come up to lied without waking the proctor. It's late, and I've got a o'clock recita tion in the morning. For heaven's sake, don't make so much noise!" This last remark addressed to Jim, who was sing ing and hiccoughing at the top of his lungs. "Lean on mo," said the irrepressible James. "We'll got up all right with you, old man, and we won't give it away. Gad, but it's a peach you've got! Where did you find it? Careful, now, careful; we're going by Professor Howard's door." Suddenly the door of Professor How ard's room flew open, and the venerable dispenser of Latin poetry gazed out at the trio on the landing. For a moment a look of surprise flitted over his handsome face, lie knew of Elbert's much vaunt ed propriety. This look was succeeded by a broad grin. "Get liim up as quietly as you can, boys, and give him plenty of bromo seltzer. Man is but mortal. Good night." During the moment that the professor's door had been ajar we had pushed Elbert violently from one side of the landing to the other and had drowned all his at tempts to explain. He now became fu rious, and his loud expostulations only added to the din and brought more people to the doors. "What'll you take for it?" "Drunk and dressed up." "Take him down and drown him!" These and a hundred more like remarks were showered upon the poor unfortunate as we lugged him along. The uncertain light and the persistence with which Jim crowded Elbert's hat down over his eyes from time to time left no chance for a doubt as to his condition. Staid old graduates appeared at their doorways in pyjamas and bathrobes and stood there snickering as we bundled the supposed jag through the halls. These same fellows would have slam med the door in disgust if any of the rest of the top floor gang had awakened them by coming home half seas over. They looked upon Elbert, however, as almost too good for his associates, and his fright ful fall from grace made him an object of derision. At last the top floor was reach ed. and we let him go. "\\ ell, you duffers, you've ruined my reputation all right," said our suddenly revived friend, "hut I must confess it was a good joke. I was pretty mad about the third floor, hut I've cooled down now. Come in and havo a drink. 1 shan't try to square myself with How ard and those stiffs down stairs, but do cull in our own gang and put them on. It's too good to lose." The gang was called in and enjoyed the joke hugely. Elbert was voted the best fellow on earth, if he did come homo from church festivals jagged, and we all settled down to a game of cards. Things were too much stirred up to think of sleep that night. The effects of that joke were fearfully farreaching, and I wonder that Elbert did not cut our acquaintance. Maud heard of it and would not be pacified un til the whole floor went around anil swore that Elbert never touched n drop except for medicine. For the whole of the rest of that year our poor chum was always getting unpleasant reminders of the jag he didn't have. Not till Elbert left college could tho sedate crowd on the lower floors bo persuaded to believe that lie wasn't as bad as the worst of the top High tors. However, tho fact re mains that I was never party to a prac tical joke that worked with better suc cess.—Brooklyn Eagle. No niiUiliiK Suit* Hißnnnuli, There was a story many times told, but entirely without foundation, to the effect that an English lecturer once informed his hearers that the men in America were smaller in size than Englishmen, and asked any Americans who might be pres ent to rise in confirmation of his state ment, whereupon Bishop Brooks and two other Americans of equally imposing Stature rose In different parts of the hall. This story had no foundation, but it is true that I>r. Brooks was once traveling In the south of France with another bishop of the Episcopal church somewhat surpassing Dr. Brooks himself in size and another man equally large. The three men went one after another to the proprietor of a little bathing establish ment and with serious faces asked to tie fitted to bathing suits. The surprise of the proprietor by the time the third gigantic man appeared can readily be imagined.—Ladies' Home Journal. THE SPORTING WORLD. Probably no name baa boon more widely known in connection with the game of football than that of Walter Camp. lie was born in 1859 and en tered Yale In 187G and graduated in 1880, receiving both senior and junior appointments, lie captained both the freshman nine and eleven and was also half back on the varsity team in his first year. For six years he played on the Yale eleven, of which he was twice WALTER CAMP, captain, and he was In every Harvard and Princeton match during that time. He rowed on his class crew, won the high hurdle in ids sophomore year and was one of Yale s representatives in the first intercollegiate tennis tourna ment. When Camp was finally forced to give up football, he stiil retained a keen interest in the sport and was its warmest supporter before it was so firmly established in popularity as it is today. lie acted occasionally as ref eree in the big contests between Har vard and Princeton. His chief field of action has always been at Yale. As her leading coach the invention of many of her best plays must be credit ed to him, while from year to year he has been very largely instrumental in determining her general football pol icy. He has earned the title of "The Father of American Football." The success of Yale is Mr. Camp's highest praise. Slomio Rotter Tlmn Fred Archer. According to the well known British racing authority Captain Coe, Sloane is a better jockey than Fred Archer was when that great artist, the best that England ever produced, was in his prime. Captain Coe says: "Insular prejudice must be blamed for a deal of the criticism poured out 011 the American jockeys. The old tim ers want to know what chance Sloane would have against Fred Archer. I give my opinion for what it is worth. I think that Sloane, given an equal chance, would have beaten the late Fred Archer four times out of six in a true run race. Archer's motto was, 'First at the starting post and first away,' but after that his tactics were sometimes altered, for lie often rode waiting races, to come with a wild rush at the finish. With Sloane the case is entirely different. lie believes in getting his work forward, and 'wait ing in front' is his trump card. At the same time In? is such a thorough judge that he seemingly knows the strength of the opposition to a pound, and at times he rides on and on to just get home by a neck when in the opinion of the majority of the spectators lie is dead out of the race at the distance. Sloane is an artist. At the same time I would add that it is hard lines on Eng lish jockeys who have to ride half lit horses in races to find them handled by American jockeys later on. I think Weldon rode Lord William Beresford's horses very well in the opening months of the season, but the animals were not ready ami could not be expected to win. Now the horses are trained to the hour they are always ridden by one of the brothers Iteiff. This is hard lines on Weldon. However. I should fear to protest against the system of finding excuses for English jockeys when they lose on horses that look to have big chances. The racing reporters are nev er tired of saying that the horse was unreliable when the jockey might have been incapable. Diamond Jubilee was abused right and left until he began to win. Now we seldom read anything about 'the mad horse' or the brute that 'should be kept off all courses.' Dia mond Jubilee has routed the opposition completely." Stopped All He Saw. "One of the funniest things I ever saw come off in the ring," remarked an old time hoxer, "happened when I was seconding fighters at tlie old California club. One night In a preliminary we had an Irishman fighting a colored man. The latter had an awful good left, and he was planting it effectively on ids opponent's nose. At the end of the third round the Irishman came back to Ills corner all blood. 'You must stop tiiat left,' I said to liira, 'or that coon will cook you.' "Pretty soon they went at it again, and the darky was right there with his left. The Irishman would shake his head when he stopped one, but showed no desire to avoid any of the leads. When lie came back to his corner again, 1 warned lilm once more that he must stop the left or lie would lie beat en. Well, lie went at it again, and the darky never forgot liis favorite blow. At tlie end of this round the Irishman was bloodier than ever and moreover half dazed. 'Now, look here,' 1 yelled at him, 'lf yon don't stop them lefts you will be licked.' The Irishman look ed irp at me and muttered, 'Have you seen any lefts that I have not stop ped?' "When I got this, I fell off the block." LAUGHING GAS. The Man In tlie Cream Shirt Waist. He came this way from Newport gay— The man in the cream shirt waist! He drifted doWn to Chicago town— The man in the cream shirt waist! And lie thought as he walked in the sultry hea*. The people would say as he passed on the street, "He's fashionable, comfortable and neut"— Tiie man in the cream shirt waist 1 He thought, witli a smile, he'd set the style— The man in the cream shirt waist! They'd be "in the swim" und follow him— The man in the cream shirt waist! He thought he'd be one paradigm When winds came up from a sultry clime And shirt waist mills would work overtime— The man in the cream shirt waist 1 Hut, alas, and, 10, his cup was woe— The man in the cream shirt waistl And everywhere he saw them stare— The man in the cream shirt waistl "Sissy's shirt!" the boys would yell; "Saw a freak!" the women would tell; •Tut on your coat!" at the big hotel— The man in the cream shirt waistl So he'll go away to Newport gay— The mun in the cream shirt waistl Among the belles and foreign swells— The man in the cream shirt waistl Where beauty sports in the breaker flood. Where wealth's autos are stalled in the mud, Where you may wear ercain or wild oxblood— The man iu the cream shirt waist! —Chicago News. Sure ol' the (oo Charges moderate. No fee till patent is secured. 1 f Letters strictly confidential. Address, 1 E. G. SIGGERS. Patent Lawyer. Washington, D. C. J RAILROAD TIMETABLES Lehigh valley kailuoad. May lUOU. Akuanulmbnt of I'ahskngkk Tit a ins. LEAVE FKEKLANI). 6 12 a in lor N\ cutherly, Munch Chunk, Allculowii, lieihh hem, Huston, Phila delphia iiiul New York. 7 40 am lor sumo ltun, White Haven, \N Ukes-fchtiiPulsion and Scruuioii. 8 18 a in lor itu/dcion, Muhaiioy City, Shenandoah, aain a mi, Weuthorly, Muuch Chunk, AUuiitown, Helhleheiu, Eusiou, Philadelphia and New Vork. 9 30 aiu ior Hu/Jclon, .Mahunoy City, siicu- ..it. Carinol, Shuuiokiu and 1145a in lor Sandy Hun, While llaven, Wilkoa-Uurrc, Soruntoii and uil points I 30 l ui l'or WeaUicrly, Munch Chunk, Al icnlown, Hciiiicncm, Huston, Pluiudei- I iua aim Now i ork. 4 42 pin l>r Jiu/.icton, Mahunoy City, Slien umiouli, Mi. Cannei, siianioKin and i'ous\iilc, W eatheriy, Maueh Chunk, A ileal own, HoihlcLum, Ha.-ion, Phila delphia uiiil New \ ork. 6 34 p in lor Sandy ituu, White lluven, NViikeb-Uarrc, bcranion ana ull points 7 29 p ui lor Hu/.lctoii, Mahunoy City, Shcn uudoah, Mi. Cannci and Miuiuokiu. A It HIVE AT FKKELAND. 7 40 a in from Weatherly, Pottsville, Ash land, shciiuudouh, Mahunoy City and Ha/.li'ton. 9 17 a in lroiu Philadelphia, Huston, Ilcthle lu-iii, Allentowu, Muuch chunk, \V eath eriy, ila/.leloii, Mahunoy C'uy, .Shcnun doali, .lit. Carinei mm shuiuokiu. 9 30 a in iroiu Scranton, Wiikcs-Huire und Wkite Haven. II 45 a in iroin Pottsville, Shuuiokiu, Mt. Carinei, ohenandouh, Mahunoy City and iiuzlotou. 12 55p in ironi New Vork, Philadelphia, Has ton, iiethiehcin, Allentowu, Muuch Chunk und Weatherly. 4 42 p in iroin Sciuutou, Wllkcs-liiirre and \V hitc Haven. 0 34 P in from New York, Philadelphia, Huston, Jlctlilchem, Allentowu, Potls vilie, Shumokin, Mt. Cannel, Shenan doah, Muhanoy City and iluzleton. 7 29 P in from Seruntou, Willtes-liarrc and SV hitc Haven. For lurcher intormation inquire ol Ticket Agents. ueiHHIN H.WI LllUlt, General Superintendent 80 C'ortlandt street. New Vork Citv CH AS. S. LHH, Oenerai Passenger Agent 1 T " Nuw lorkCity. J. I. HhllH, Division Superiuleiideni, Huzlctou, Pa. Delaware, iSustitKuanna and iSC'HUVLKILI. UAILKOAD. Time tublo in elfeet April 18, 1897. I ruins leave Drilton lor Jcddo, Eekley. liazlo ■MI" h'V "i' " Utt . vur I'llud, llouil .tint lUictun Junction Ht kilo, BOua in. duiiv except Sunday; ;ui „ Ja p „ Sunday l ! II tuna leave Itrllnm lor Harwood.r 'rauborry ■ oldhlcken and Bcringer ui f, ;ai, u m a in dally oyeept Sunday; and i OJ a in, 3 a p m, Suu da?! KSfV uaa u,^:i U p ß a y ™ W Suu " >ur.iJ,? a n ( " 1 Junction for Jlnrwood, rauherry, iomhieken und Deringer at, üBS a ii, daily except Sunday; and bSO u in, 4 88i> in Sunday. ' ' m ' .J™'' 1 ® ,0 " vo Hazleton Junction for Oneida Junction, ilai wood ltoud, Humboldt Hoad Oneida ami Shepptou at ti 08, 11 lu a m, 4 41 n in laily except Sunday; and 737 u in. Ull on/ Sunday. ' 1 lUI Trains leave Deringer for Tomhick n, Crnn- l wood ' } l l f J unction and Hoan . r'n- p 1U ' (ia , ii> OXUC 'Pt Sunday; and 887 a in, u. p m, Sunday. Arams leave shoppton for Oneida, Humboldt lie, : 11 "' W< " HI ""i" 1 - ""didii Junction, Huzle ton Junction ar.d hoan at i 11 am, 18 4U 6 p in I, Sunda3^ JtoePt fclun(itty; Hnd D a m', 844 for Beaver Meadow """O. Stockton, Huzle biuuk, ISckley, Jcddo and KffS "ht '' "J' ' i ? ily ' SAetpt Sunday; aud 8 11a in, J 44 p ni, Sunday. trains leave Hazletou Junction lor Beaver Meadow ltoud, Stockton, Huzle Brook, licktoy. Joddo and Hiiftou ut 6 4J, 6a; p in, daily except Sunday; and lu id a m, e Id p n., Sunday. All trains connect at liaziclon Junction with electric cars for Hazletou, Jeaijesville, Auden neu ami other points on the Traction Com pany s line. Trains leaving Drifton at 5 80, COO am make arnu ec J iou ut Aioilngr with P. It. it. trains for vvest rri: ' Sun^ury ' Harris burg und joints For the accommodation of passeiigers at way stations beiween Hazleton Junction and Der iuger. a train will leave the former point at DiSge;a d t' l 5 i & p e Sr JPt BUnUUy> ttrrlV "" f LUTiiEK C. SMITH, Superintendeiite