Great Britain harbors about 1,200,*
000 more women than men.
In Oakland and Alameda, Cal., there
is a tax which practically prohibits the
intrusion of outside firms.
Lead is one of the few metals not
yet found in Alaska, but that may be
because the Coroner hasn't yet quali
fied, suggests the San Francisco
Chronicle.
Prince Bismarck expressed admira
tion for the endeavors made by the
Pope to solve the" social question, add
ing, ''Formerly the social question
could be solved by the police, but now
it requires the military."
Lieutenant Moss, of the regular
army, has reported that he considers
the bicycle a valuable means of trans
porting troops. Hereafter we may
expect an ariny on bicycles, and il
will be more imposing than an army
with banners.
Hays the Chicago Record: When
the United States establishes postal
savings banks the standing of its
private banking institutions will be
raised, and no portion of the popula
tion will be able to say that it is with
out safe banking facilities.
In Paris the water supply is be
coming a serious question, especially
iu view of the coming exhibition.
The consumption has been steadily
increasing for some years, and the au
thorities are busily engaged in the
consideration of schemes for secur
ing an adequate supply in the future.
Tho Chicago Journal believes "the
convict should be made to wish to
escape. He should be so treated that
he will want to get away and never
come back, so treated that other men
will have a horror of his fate. It
may be a very pleasing thing for the
•entimentalist to see a penitentiary
run like a young ladies' boarding
school, but crime is too serious a
thing for treatment ou a sentimental
■ftasis."
It was decided to bring the body of
Mr. Ogden Goelet, the New York
multi-millionaire, to this country on
his yacht Mayflower for burial. The
name of his yacht will bring to mind,
and in contrast, the lauding of the
other Mayflower at Plymouth Rock.
What wonderful mutations of fortune
are illustrated by comparison of the
stern westward voyaging of the Pil
grims to the North American wilder
ness and sumptuous bringing home
of the dead New Yorker!
The British Indian troops showed
the stuff of which they are made in the
battle of Maizar, in Tochi valley. Two
native officers coolly attempted to
bring in under heavy fire guns which
had been abandoned because of the
killing of the horses, and one actually
packed into camp a gun weighing 200
pounds. Then he went out again and
came back with his Euglish lieutenant's
fcody. Upon such men as these Eng
land should confer decorations, for
though their skins are block they are
the bravest of the brave.
11l a recent article in Harper's Mag
ozine Dr. Henry Smith Williams pre
dicted that meteorology ivould be the
science of the future. In view of that
prophecy it is doubly interesting to
learn that Professor Willis L. Moore,
Chief of the United States Weather
Bureau, has recommended to Secre
tary Wilson for adoption as a feature
of the Federal exhibit at Paris in 1900
the issuance at the exposition of a
daily weather chart of this country.
The observations would be cabled over,
thus proving a triumph for the Amer
ican cable as well as American meteor
ology. According to Chief Moore, no
other Government in the world has the
facilities for making such a meteor
ological showing as has this Republic.
The United States Mint authorities
estimate the amount of gold which has
o far reached this country from the
Klondike at about four tons, worth
something over $2,000,000. At least
as much more is believed to be ready
for shipment. Some of it will get
down this season, but more will be
Jield over until next year. This esti
mate does not include what is at the
mines, but only that which is packed
and on the way, either by river to St.
Michael's or overland to Dyen to seek
transportation by stenmor to the Uni
ted States. It was reported that
Wells, Fargo & Co. had received at
fit. Michael's over four millions for
transfer to Seattle, but the story has
cot been confirmed. A careful anal
ysis nnd comparison of the reports of
the returned miners is the basis of the
estimate given above—s-1,000,000 for
the total output of the Klondike now
In this country or on its way from the
mines.
1 PROGRESS WITH THE
| FLYING MACHINE. |
\.t/
# .
Working Out the Man-Flight Problem Along Scien- *v{
& tific Lines Near Chicago.
W
A\ „ , v %<\
A\A \ /*\/*\ \ v/'i\ /*\A\/*\A* %\A\
The day is almost at hand when man
will dispute with the bird for suprem
acy in the air. For huudreds of years
his ambition has been at work with
such persistency of effort that he now
begins to see the end. He has grap
pled with the invisible forces of the
atmosphere, sometimes blindly, but
always courageously; generally to
meet with disappointment, but happily
with enough wuycess to keep alive his
determination to* master the most dif
ficult of all problems in physics. Lives
have been lost and fortunes have been
expended in the pursuit of this ballling
question of nian-tlight. Ridicule has
been heaped upon the heads of those
who sought to cope with the feathered
messengers of the air, and their sanity
questioned by the world at large.
Tho advancement made toward the
full solution of the problem of mau
fiiglit during the year 1890 was greater
than that of any previous year, and
attracted the widest attention amoug
scientists. Probably more interest
centered in the experiments conducted
thirty miles southeast of Chicago on
the shore of Lake Michigan by Octave
Chanute, of Chicago, than anywhere
else. The prominent position occu
pied by Mr. Chauute iu the scientific
world was accepted as a guarantee that
he had faith in his experiments, and
that he had,no other purpose in view
hut to demonstrate certain principles
involved in the problem.
At the time he was thus engaged Mr.
Chanute observed much cautiou in his
utterances concerning the results ob
tained. Fearful lest his conclusions
might not be properly formed, or that
he might be misunderstood, he re
frained as far as possible from conimit
ing himself on the subject further than
to say his experiments were very satis
factory. Since then he has gained
courage, so to speak, and has become
enthusiastic over what has been ac
complished. He is now confident that
tho way is clear for the solution of the
problem, and modestly takes to him
self a goodly share of the credit for
pointing the way. He claims that his
experiments have marked out the best
lines for investigators to follow, and
numbers them as follows in the order
wf their importance:
1. The development of the self-pro
pelled aerodrome.
2. The development of the motor
less air sailer.
3. The development of the motor.
During the past week the experi
ments of last year have been renewed
aear Dune Park, Ind., and Mr.
Uhanute has been almost a daily
risitor to the scene of action. His in
terest in the result will not let him
itay away longer than one day for sev
eral reasons. One reason is that the
machine being used is oue of his own
invention in its most important details,
and another is that the experiments
are following the second line of in
vestigation, which he laid down as
necessary for the solution of the
problem of man-flight. It is said that
Mr. Chanute is the real one who is
conducting the experiments, but this
he denies iu favor of A. M. Herring, a
young man of considerable scientific
knowledge, who was associated with
Mr. Chanute last year in his extensive
experiments at the same place.
The machine with which Mr. Her
ring is now experimenting daily repre
sents the ideas of both himself and
Mr. Chanute. It belongs to the same
class as the machine which the late
Otto Lilienthal, of Berlin, brought out
in 1894 and iu the use of which lie met
his death last year. It might well be
termed a flying machine, and yet this
( description does not fit accurately. It
PROFESSOR CHANUTE'S LATEST PLYING MACHINE.
fa technically known as an aero-curve,
r a gliding machine. lletter still, it
flight be called an air coaster, for in
its action it approached very closely to
the motion of those mnchines known
>s roller coasters. Tho resemblance
is carried still further in the applica
tion of the principles of operation.
It i one of three sailing machines
invented by Mr. Chanute, including a
Steering apparatus designed by Mr.
Herring. The first machine was based
npon a reverse of the principles evolved
in the Lilienthal apparatus. Instead
of the man moving about under fce
machine to bring the center of gravity
under the center of air pressure, it
was constructed with a view to bring
ing the center of pressure over the
center of gravity by the aid of wings
moved automatically. This machine
had twelve wings, each six feet long
and three feet wide, and each pivoted
to a central frame. It had a total
wing surface of 177 square feet, and
weighed thirty-seven pounds.
By a process of evolution this ap
paratus became the machine in use at
the present time with which such re
markable results have been obtained.
Experiments showed many defects in
the machine, and it was rebuilt on a
different principle. The twelve wings
were discarded, and iu their stead
were substituted three superimposed
A GOOD START.
concave surfaces, ench sixteen feet
long and four feet three inches wide,
with an aggregate surface of nineteen
square feet. Attached to the rear of
this machine was a combined horizon
tal and vertical rudder, designed by
Mr. Herring as a result of his frequent
trials of the machine. In the course
of the experiments it was found neces
sary to remove the lower surface, and
this left the present machine.
The several changes therefore re
duced the sustaining surface of the
machine from 177 square feet to 135
square feet. The weight was lowered
at the same time from thirty-seven
pounds to twenty-three pounds. This
generat reduction did not impair the
strength of the machine, while at the
same time it improved its efficiency to
a remarkable degree. Repeated trials
showed the machine capable of sus
taining au aggregate weight of 178
pounds, this figure representing the
combined weight of the operator and
the machine. The frame is con
structed of spruce wood, braced with
fine piano wire, and the concave sur
faces nre formed by varnished silk
stretched over the frame to the highest
tension.
Will this machine fly? Mr. Chauute
will answer this question by replying
that was never intended to fly. He
will inform those asking the question
that the machine is made for experi
mental purposes solely, with the end
in view of developing the motorless
air sailer. At the same time, Mr.
Chanute might say, the experiments
may lead to a solution of the most im
portant part of the problem of man
flight—the maintenance of the equilib
rium of the machine under all cir
cumstances. He holds that this prob
lem must be solved first. It has been
demonstrated to his satisfaction that
until automatic stability at all angles
of flight and conditions of wind is
evolved and safety thereby secured it
| would be premature to seek to apply a
motor or a propelling instrument to a
: full-sized machine.
I The ordinary observer would an
swer that the machine does fly, never
heless, after witnessing a day's ex
periments among the sand dunes. The
distinction between sailing and glid
ing aud flying would not appeal to any
but the scientific mind while watching
the "double-decker" travel through
the air a distance of 200 yards with
Mr. Herring hanging by his arms be
neath. If the spectator was daring
enough to tackle the machine himself
and succeeded in getting the right
kind of a start he would be willing to
take oath that the machine flew. He
would also be willing to testify that.
! his sensations while the flight lasted
were indescribably thrilling and de
lightful.
All the flights begin from an emi
nence, the numerous sand hills near
Dune i'ark offering all the opportuni
ties desired for starting. Another re
quisite is that the operator must start
facing the wind, although with pro
ficiency good results may be obtained
with the machine traveling at an angle
with the wind. Those who have seen
a buzzard or most any other large bird
begin a flight from the surface of the
earth will have noticed that the bird
invariably faces the wind and runs a
few steps before rising. For the same
reasons the operator of the Chanute
flying machine must face the wind,
holding the machine over his head,
then run a few steps down the side of
the hill on which he stands and finally
give a jump outward into space as
though he never expected to come
down. He will be doing nothing more,
in effect, than he did when he jumped
from the top of a fence in boyhood
days with an umbrella over his head.
The wind rushing against the lower
sides of the two surfaces of varnished
silk holds the operator suspended,
while the angle at which he holds the
surfaces either impels it forward or
retards its motion. Sometimes a
strong gust of wind comes along when
least expected and suddenly raises the
machine higher than the starting point.
But for the automatic rudder this
might prove disastrous to the operator
He would, in all likelihood, turn a
back somersault with the machine and
get badly hurt. Again, a blast of air
from above might strike on the top of
the machine and cause it to shoot down
ward at a terrific rate of speed. This
is what happened to Lilienthal last
year, and was the cause of the accident*
which resulted in his death.
The line of flight of the machine in
the hands of such a skillful operator as
Mr. Herring may be controlled very
largely. He has demonstrated time
and again his ability to steer the ma*
chine in broad curves by simply shift
ing the weight of his body from one
side to another. Last Monday he suc
ceeded in describing a compound
curve during a flight of about 300 feet,
and landed with his back almost com
pletely turned to the wind. It has
also been demonstrated that the ma
chine can be made to travel almost at
right angles with the wind at a high
rate of speed.
Flights have been made in all sorts
of winds, the speed of which varied
from ten to twenty-one miles an hour.
The latter wind is higher in its speed
than any gliding machine was ever
tried in before and tested the steadi
,"i
ALBATROSS WHICH FAILED.
ness of the machine most thoroughly.
The speed at which the machine travels
rests very largely with the operator
aud depends upon the angle of descent
from the starting point. When he
finds that ho is approaching the ground
too swiftly it is only necessary for him
to tilt the front of the muchine upward,
when its Bpeed will he immediately
checked, and a landing can be made in
safety. The range of flight is also
very largely within the control of the
operator, one who is skillful being
able to alight within ten feet of any
spot indicated while the wind main
tains an even rate of speed. The
longest flight recorded is the one made
this year by Mr. Herring, which was
almost 900 feet. Another flight of 601)
feet was made last week.
Long flights are not the aim of the
men who are conducting the experi
ments with the gliding machine. They
are seeking to arrive at intelligent
conclusions concerning the problem of
automatic stability more than anything
else, and it is claimed by Mr. Chanute
that many new facts have been discov
ered bearing upon this question. In
anticipation of an early solution of the
question Mr. Herring is hard at work
on a motor which he hopes to be able
to apply to the gliding machine. An
evidence of the faith thnt is within him
is shown by the fact that he predicts
that an air ship will be constructed
within another year which will fly to
New York with but four stops on the
way to replenish the stock of fnab—
Chicago Times-Herald.
Rewarded For Finding a Feather.
The Gazette of Moscow says that
while the King of Siam waH passing
through the streets of thnt city a white
feather fell from the plume of his hel
met, and was picked up by the peasant
Toukianow, who is in the service of
M. Koch, Toukianow hastened to re
store the feather to the chief of police.
He was greatly surprised several days
later upon receiving from this official,
in the name of His Siamese Majesty, a
casket containing a portrait of the
King and a massive gold chain deco
rated with a token of the same metal
bearing the arms of Siam in enamel.
Toukianow has not yet recovered from
thiß unexpected i-iece of good fortune.
MINING FOR DIAMONDS.
GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF THE
METHODS IN SOUTH AFRICA.
Tli© Klraberley Mines Have Produced
More Than Ten Tons or the Precious
Stones Since Opened—Valuublo Dia
monds Sometimes Explode In the Hand
"Under the conditions present in
nature's laboratory the wonder is not
that diamonds are found as big as one's
fist, but that they are not found as big
as one's head."
Tho above impressive sentence was
spoken by Professor William Crookes
in a remarkable lecture upon the sub
ject of diamonds given at the ltoyal
Institution iu London recently. This
leoture is the most interesting and au
thoritative exposition of Crooke's, who
is one of the foremost chemists and
physicists of our day, made a trip of
inspection early last year to the Afri
can diamond flelds, and gave in his re
cent speech the results of his travels
abroad aud of the experiments in his
laboratory at home.
The most noted diamond mines, the
Kimberley, the De Beers, the Dutoit
span, the Bulfontein and the Wessel
ton, are all contained in a circle of
ground three and one-half miles in di
ameter. The mines proper are irreg
ularly shaped round or oval pipes ex
tending vertically downward to an un
known depth. They are filled with
broken fragments of various rocks ce
mented together by a hard blue clay,
called "blue ground," in which the
diamonds are found. At first the mines
were worked from above, as a stone
quarry or gravel pit is worked, but
that system proved unsatijfactory, and
at present underground workings are
the rule. In early days they belonged
to different people and different com
panies, but they have gradually fallen
into the hands of one rich concern,
the De Beers Consolidated Mines,
Limited, which to-day owns practical
ly all the valuable diamond miudfe in
this region. The method of mining is
to sink shafts in the solid rock at
some distance from the diamond pipes,
and then run in tunnels to the "blue
ground," which is cut away and mined
out by a peculiar system that enables
the miner to take out all valuable ma
terial and leave the rsfuse rock behind.
Profsssor Crookes says of this mining:
"The scene below ground in the
labyrinth of galleries is bewildering
in its complexity and very unlike the
popular notion of a diamond mine. All
below is dirt, mud, grime; half-naked
men, black as ebony, muscular as ath
letes, dripping with perspiration, are
seen in every direction, hammering,
picking, shoveling, wheeling the trucks
to aud fro, keeping up a weird chant,
which rises in force and rhythm when
a titanio task calls for excessive mus
cular strain. The whole scene is more
suggestive of a coal mine than a diamond
mine, and all this mighty organiza
tion, this strenuous expenditure of
energy, this costly machinery, this
ceaseless toil of skilled and black la
bor, goes on day and night just to win
a few stones wherewith to deck my
lady's finger."
Tho work immediately after the
"bine ground" leaves the mines looks
more like farming than mining. When
the "blue ground" is brought to the
surface it is as hard as sandstone, and
has to te exposed to the influence of
the sun, the air and water to prepare
it for the pulverization necessary later
in the world. The hard lumps and
bowlders are spread out on the floor,
exposed to the weather, and are al
lowed to stay there with occasional
Watqrings and harrowings until they
begin to crumble very readily. The
friable mass resulting is then taken to
revolving, perforated cylinders, in
which it is agitatedfor some time with
water, ltefractory lumps which re
fuse to pass through the holes are
taken back for more weathering. The
material running through the perfora
tions is led to immense pans, provided
with ten arms, in which teeth aro set
spirally. When these arms revolve
and when plenty of water is made to
flow over t\e pans the very light stuff
is carried away by the waste pipe in
the centre, while the coarse material
containing the diamond collects
around the edges of the pan. By a
somewhat similar arrangement this
diamantiferous gravel is concentrated
until the diamonds can be picked out
by hand. The men who pick over the
coarsest gravel are the most trust
worthy employes, since, of course, the
most valuable diamonds are found
there. Sometimes a3 much as $50,-
000 worth of diamonds is separated in
one day. From the sorting room they
go to the office, to bo cleaned and
sorted according to value. In this
office may be seen heaps containing
white, black, cinnamon, blue, green,
pink and orange diamonds. It is
ouite remarkable that the diamonds of
different" mines possess certain dis
' Inctive characteristics which enable
experts to know at once from what
mine each stone came.
Large diamonds are rather common;
it would be quite easy to collect in
Kimberley a hundred gems which
would weigh an ounce apiece. Pro
fessor Crookes saw a set of eight dia
monds, seven of which weighed an
ounce each and the eighth two ounces.
The largest diamond known in the
world is one found four years ago in
Jagersfontein. It weighs over half a
pound, aud, though perfection in
color, is marred by a little black speck
in the center. Nearly half n ton of
diamonds are turned out by the Kim
berley mines every year. These mines
have produced over ten tons of dia
monds since they were first opened;
an amount more than sufficient to fill a
box five feet square aud six feet high
with the blazing gems. The supply is
so large thut tho consolidated com
pany which owns, this region has had
to limit the production to keep up the
prices. The majority of diamonds
under polarized light show the jewels
to be in a state of tension caused by
the imprisonment of a little colorless
gas in the interior. This gas was
caught in a little hole or flaw in the
stone when it was being formed
and is always straining to es
cape. In consequence of this in
ternal tension valuable diamonds
not infrequently explode or fall
into pieces when exposed to heat.
Cunning dealors sometimes allow un
suspecting and rich clients to carry in
their warm pockets, or to handle in
their warm hands, large crystals, fresh
from the mine, and then if the stofles
break the dealer demands satisfaction
for the loss of a valuable gem. To
guard against losses duo to this ex
plosion of diamonds, large jewels are
frequently shipped to Europe im
bedded in raw potatoes. It is most
interesting to note that the artificial
diamonds now being prepared explode
just as the natural ones do.
Different stones and sometimes dif
ferent parts of the same stone vary
greatly in hardness. Some very bril
liant diamonds which came to Eng
land from New South Wales were
found to be so hard that it was im
possible to grind them, and they had
to be used for rock drills instead of
for jewelry. The intense hardness of
the diamond is strikingly shown by
the fact that if a good stone without
flaws b'e put between two pieces of
steel and great pressure applied it will
be forced clear into the steel without
being injured in the least. Some
diamonds when put into a vacuum and
subjected to a current of electricity
give out considerable light. Profes
sor Crookes owns a beautiful green
diamond which, treated in this man
ner, produces enough light to enable
him to read.
WISE WORDS.
Censure is the tax a man pays to the
public for being eminent.—Swift.
Flattery is a sort of bod money to
which our vanity gives currency.—
Locke.
To be good and disagreeable is high
treason against the royalty of virtue.
—Hannah More.
Fire and sword are but slow engines
of destruction in comparison with the
babbler.—Steele.
The greatest port of mankind employ
their first years to make their last mis
erable. —Bruyere.
Men are never so ridiculous for the
qualities they have, as for those they
affect to have.—Channon.
No man ever offended his own con
science, but first or last it was re
venged upon him for it.—South.
A good word is an easy obligation;
but not to speak ill requires only our
silence, which costs us nothing.—Til
lotson.
For drunkenness, drink cold water;
for health, rise early; to be happy, be
honest; to please all, mind your own
business. —Franklin.
An unjust acquisition is like a barbed
arrow, which must be drawn backward
with horrible angnish, or else will be
your destruction.—Taylor.
To pardon those absurdities in our
selves which we cannot suffer in others
is neither better nor worse than to be
more willing to be fools ourselves than
to have others so.—Pope.
Six Hundred Shots a Minute*
A startling development in gumnak
ing is the new automatic Hotchkiss
mitrailleuse. It fires off GOO or 600
infantry cartridges per minute. This
little marvel of mechanism performs
the most astounding functions with
twice the rapidity and more than the
accuracy of human intelligence. It
loads a gun, closes the breech, fires,
opens the breech again, throws out
tho empty shell, and introduces a new
cartridge exactly as a soldier would do.
A gun barrel of extra strength is
screwed in front of a movable breech
box which contains tho operating
mechanism. Running on a parallel
line below this barrel is a hollow cylin
der which communicates with the bar
rel by means of an orifice perforated
at a short distance from the mouth. In
this cylinder is a cogged piston.
When the shot is fired, as soon as the
ball has passed the orifice communicat
ing between the barrel and the cylin
der, tho gases from the powder pene
trate the chamber in front of the pis
ton and push it back to a position
where it is held by a catch. When
the trigger is once more pressed the
catch is released and the liberated pis
ton flies back to its initial position by
means of a spring.
Teacher on a Liclithouao Inland.
Miss Daisy Doud is the teacher of a
school on the Farallone Islands, which
are a part of the First Ward of the city
of San Francisco, Cal. There are four
lighthouse keepers on the islands,
which are rocky nnd rough, nnd Miss
Doud teaches the children of the keep
ers. There are ten little ones, and
Miss Doud's sehoolhonse is probably
one of the oldest in the world. All
kinds of sea birds live upon the rocky
island coast, and if Miss Doud's little
ones are inclined to the study of nat
ural history they will have ample op
portunity for the feathered and finned
part of it at any rate. Deep sea fish
and shell fish are in abundance at the
foot of the schoolhouse, and tho spray
sometimes dashes angrily up the steep
rocks and washes the windows of the
schoolroom.
Cure For Consumption.
In Denmark the postmen often have
very long routes in the . country re
gions, and are obliged to walk or ride
many miles a day in all kinds of
weather, but undesirable' asjj such
positions would seem to t be, they are
eagerly sought after, and, of all men,
by consumptives who want to get well.
It Jhas been proved that the work is
life-saving, for, despite the hardships
nnd the exposure to wind and rain and
snow, almost all the invalids who adopt
the life become robnst and hearty. I
THE MERRY SIDE 0E LIFE.
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.
A Worcl Picture—Thr Martyr—A nnuhl*
Quantity —Kubbeil It In —A Tteaotly
Hllp—'Too' Quick For lllm—Domestic
Repartee Fencing With Fate, Kto*
A sudden rain, a road of clay,
A leak that'B sure though slow;
A rump just twenty miles away—
How's that for wheel and woe?
' —Rochester Union and Advertiser
The Martyr.
"Your husband seems to be a vic
tim of tlie tobacco habit."
"No; I'm the victim. lie thorough
ly enjoys it."
IIIR Wish.
"Which would you rather be, Har
greaves, rich or handsome?"
"I'd like to be rich, also."—Cincin
nati Enquirer.
Burned Them.
Kitty—"What did she do with those
adoring love epistles he wrote?"
Jack—"She simply made light of
them."—Up-to-Date.
A Double Quantity.
Boarding School Teacher—"And
now, Edith, tell us the plural of ba
by."
Edith (promptly)—' : Twins."
The I.ocality.
"Are you in pain, my little man?"
asked the kind old man.
"No," answered the boy. "The
pain's in me."—lndianapolis Journal.
Domestic Repartee.
Mrs. Henpeck—"The proof of the
pudding is in the eating."
Mr. Henpeck—"The proof of those
you make is in the post-mortem."—
Life.
Fencing AVitli Fate.
He (cautiously)—"lf I should pro
pose, would you say yes?"
She (more cautiously) "lf you
knew I would say yes would you pro
pose?"
Rubbed It In.
Judge—"Why did you knock this
man down? Did he say } T ou were a
liar?'
Prisoner—"Worse'n that, sah; he
proved it."
It All Depends.
She (sweetly)—"Do you believe that
kissing is unhealthy?"
He (cautiously)—" Well, I—er—is
your father at home this evening?"—
Chicago News.
Rucked Interest.
"We lot our typewriter girl go."
"What was the trouble?"
"Why, she didn't take enough in
terest in the business to pry into our
private letters."—Chicago Record.
A Sign of Life.
Mother—"Edith, go and see whether
the clock is going!"
Edith (coming back) —"No, mamma,
It is standing quite still, only its tail is
wagging a little."-—Enquire Within. j
Too Quick For Him.
Mrs. Bacon—"Did you offer Mr.
Crimsonboak your umbrella when he
went out?"
Mr. Bacon—"No; I didn't have a
rhance; he took it."—Yonkers States
nan.
A Beastly Slip.
Mrs. Mashem—"My dog and I have
been sitting for our photographs as
'Beauty and the Beast.' "
Lord Loreus (a bit of a fancier) —-
"Yes; he certainly is a beauty, isn't
he?"— Punch.
A Fugitive.
The Editor's Assistant "Here's
iome fugitive poetry, left to-day."
The Editor—"By whom?"
The Editor's Assistant—"A fugitive
poet. I ran him out with a shotgun."
—Cincinnati Commercial Tribune.
Ncm. Con.
First Lawyer—"Youare a shyster!"
His Opponent—"And you ore a
blackguard?"
The Court—"Now, gentlemen, let
us get at the disputed points in the
case."—Philadelphia North American.
Woman's Portion.
"In marriage," said the old bach
elor,as he mentally figured on the cost
of a wedding present, "a woman gets
everything."
"Yes," ndmitted the old maid; "she
even gets the worst of it."—Chicago
Post.
Rare Felicity.
She —"Suoh lovely bargains as there
are at that new plac!"
He—"Ah?"
She—"Yes, silks at eighteen cents,
nnd in a store so small that a hundred
peisons crowd it to suffocation!"— D
etroit Journal.
Martyrs, Indeed.
Young Housekeeper "My good
man, can't you find a more useful life
than that of a tramp?"
Tramp—"We are useful, madam—
just think of the number of divorces
we prevent by eating young house
keepers' pies." —Judge.
Didn't Approve of the Feast.
The lesson was from the prodigal
son, and the teacher was dwelling on
the character of the elder brother.
"But amid all the rejoioing," he
said, "there was one to whom the
preparation of the feast brought no
joy, to whom the prodigal's return
gave no pleasure, but only bitterness;
one who did not approve of tho feast
being held, and who had no wish to
attend it. Now can any of you tell
me who this was?"
There was a breathless silence, fol
lowed by a vigorous cracking of
thumbs, and then from a dozen sym
pathetic little geniuses came the chor
us:
"Please, sir, it was the fatted calfl"
—Aberdeen Journal.