THE MERRY SIRE OF LIFE. STORIES THAT ARB TOLD BY THE BUNNY MEN OB THE PRESS. A Revised Version—Tho Fatalities— A Definition—A Complete Stock— Another Brute, Etc., Etc. They used to sing somo time ago A rnthor plaintive song, "Man wants little here below. Nor wants that littlo long, But nowadays tho song is set With muslo to the rhyme: "Man wants as much as ho can get, And wants it all the time." —Philadelphia Record. A DEFINITION. "What is kleptomania?" "Stealing something you don't need."—l'uck. TIIE FATALITIES. First Cablo Gripmau—"Havo any luok ou your last trip?" Seoond Cable Gripinau—"Ono dog." —Life. , ANOTHER BRUTE. Wifo—"Ever so many women aro becoming artists." Husband—"Yes, it is a business in whioh they can tulk while they work." —Now York Weekly. A COMPLETE STOCK. Old Lady (to clerk) "Havo you any gentlemen's gloves?" Clerk (glancing at the old lady's bunds) "Yes, ma'am, but I think we have ludios's gloves large euough for you."—Philadelphia Life. REFUSED IN ADVANCE. A young lady had given a vapid young man her photograph. He was enamoured with it, and made the re mark : "Someday, with your permis sion, I shall plead for the possession of tho lovely original." Ho did not expect this: "Thou I shall give you tho nega tive."—Tit-Bits. WOMAN'S WISDOM. Sister —"If you are so dreadfully in lovo with her, why don't you propose to her?" Brother—"She gives me no en couragemont." Sister—"Nonsenso! Only yesterday I heard -her advise you to let your mustache grow, because shaviug it so much would inako it stiff."—Now York Weekly. A niNT. Teaohcr—"ln what yoar was tho battlo of Waterloo fought?" Pupil—"l dou't know." Teacher—"lt's simple onough if yon only would loam how to cultivato artificial momory. Remomber tho twelve apostles. Add half their num ber to them. That's eightoeu. Multi ply by a hundred. That's eighteen hundred. Take tho twelve apostles ogain. Add a quarter of their num ber to tbora. That's fifteen. Add to what you'vo got. That's 1815. That's the date. Quite simple, you seo, to remember dates if you only will adopt my system."—Judy. ALMOST AN ACCIDENT. "Spoakiug of narrow escapes," ob served Mr. Chugwator, reaching for his second cup of coffee, "did I tell you I was ou a train tho other day that oumo within thrco feet of being run into by uuotber train going at full speed ?" "For mercy's sake, no!" exclaimed Mrs. Chugwuter. "How did it bap pen?" "Tho train that camo so noar run ning into ours," ho rojoinod, butter ing a biscuit, "ivas ou the other track, and going tho other way." It-wus sevorul minutes beforo Mrs. Chugwater brolto loose, but when slio did she made up for lost time.—Chi cago Tribune. THE FAINT TIIAT FAILED. When tho tall man slipped down ou tho ioo iu front of tho drug store, and lay there apparently iu a iaint, a crowd quickly gathered. Everybody with ndvico on band 'took it otit and proffered it. Then a man ran hastily into the drug store, as hastily reappeared with a glass in Lis hand and kneeled lown by tho fallon stranger. "What is it?" whispered tho stranger, feebly lifting his head. "Water," said tho man with the glass. Tho fallen stranger raso to his feet y and stalked indignantly away. "This is a one-horso town, any any," ho hissed between his set teeth. Bo tweou his two sots of teeth, in fact.— Rocklund (Me.) Tribune. Tnn OUTCAST. On Stoto stroet's pave n milliou feet nro paoing, restless, to nud fro; some haste as messengers of joy, and some on mournful errands go ; and in this great and surging throng men tug and jostle as they wend; anon a hand is clasped in hand and greetings pass from friend to friend. Now who is this who comes alone, whose presence all the passers shun? Say, is he striekou with the plague, or has ho somo foul treason dose? A enne is poked into his ribs, u cabbage takes him in tbo breast, a pooler swipes him on tho back and knocks his system galley west. Tho men who meot him cross thoniseivcs and crawl beneath some passing dray; tho chil dren hoot him as he goes, tho horses try to run away. Ho is not slriokeu with tho plague; no traitor's deed has smirched his fame; why then do meu and women weep upon tho mention of his namo? Why then do even children hoot and horsds try to run nway ? Ho is tho man who wants to tell tho fiinny things his childron say.—Chicago Tri bune. SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL Paper pulp doors are now. Girls stammer much loss frequently than boys. Bt. Louis, Mo., has an ambulance trolley servioe. Some sailors can distinguish colors at sea but not on land. A method has been dovisod byjwhioh aluminum may bo substituted for pla tinum for leading wires in incandes cent lamps. A now artesian well near Chamber lain, South Dakota, throws a six inch stream of water thirty-eight inches abovo its top. There wero two total colipscs of the sun in the year 1712 and two in 1889. This rare phenomenon will not happen oguin until the yenr 2057. Viotor Horsley, tho ominent Eng lish pathologist, says a bullet in the brain stimulates heart aotion, but stops respiration. Ono dies for want of breath. Through tho use of anti-toxino in Triesto, tho dentil rate iu cases of diphtheria has fallen from fifty to eighteen per oent. ; in Bukowina, from sixty-throe to sixteon per cent. As a result of the examination of 4000 oyes, Dr. Miles, of Bridgeport, Conn., found that sixty-five per cont. required glasses. Tho women and girls far exceod thS men and boys. Sirius, the dog star, the brightest star in tho heavens, moves through space at a volocity of thirty-three miles a second. Its distanoo from the earth exceeds about a million times tho distance of the sun. It has boen said that of every barrel of flour whioh is made into bread, one soventh is consumed by tho yeast plant; it wns this curious circumstance which furnished Pasteur with the key to his disopveries in baotoriology. Tho bicyolo used on Russian rail roads is modelled on tho old stylo or dinary—a high wheol iu front with a smaller guiding wheel behind. This runs on one rail of tho traok, and is steadied by a very small whool on tho other. Sir Robert Ball says that tho ton donoy of modern roeearch is to con firm tho theory that other planets of our solar system can support life, but he thinks that no animal wo aro ao quaintod with could live under con ditions which prevail in tho other planets. People who wonder how cold gets into their houses in spite of all their precautious against it will be inter ested in lonruing from an arlialo in Machinery that a candle can bo blown out by concentrating tho leakage of air which comes through the pores of the bricks in a few feet of ordinary wall exposed to tho wind. It has been known that in many early blooming trees tho stamens can bo excited to growth by a much lowor temperature than will excito tho pistil. A few warm winter days will so often advance tho stamens iu plum flowers that tho pollen disappears before the pistil is recoptivo. Plum crops often partially fail for lack of tho necessary fertilization. Practical men have long since discovered that a south as pect is not as good for fruit trees as any of tho others, without knowing the real reason. The Siiurco ot Colors. Tho cochineal iusects furnish the gorgeous carmine, crimsou, scarlet carmine and purple lakes. Tho cuttle fish gives sepia. It is tho inky fluid which tho fish discharges iu order to ronder tho water opaque when attacked. Indian yellow comes fronTtho camel. Ivory chipß produco tho ivory black and bono black. The exquisito Prus sian bluo is made from fusing horse hoofs and other rofuso animal matter with impure potassium carbonate. Various lakes nro derived from roots, barks and gums. Bluo black cornea frctn the charcoal of tho vino stock. Lampblack is tho soot from certain resinous substances. Turkey rod is made from tho madder plant, which grows in liiudostan. The yellow sap of a tree of Siam producos gamboge. Ruw Sienna is the natural earth from tho neighborhood of Sienna, Italy, Raw umber is an earth found near Umbria and burned. Mastic is made from tho gum of the mastic tree, which grows in. tho Grooian Archipelago. Bistor is the soot of wood ashes. Very little real ultra-inarino is found in the murkot. It is obtained from tho pre cious lapis lazuli ami commauds a fabulous prieo. Chinese white is zino, scnrlot is iodine of mercury, and na tive vermillion is from the quick silver ore called oiuuabar.—Boston Cultivator. The Czar's Liberality. It appears that in a list of officers recommended for promotion reoently presented to him, mention was made of the age and religion of tho nomi nees. The Emperor struck out the column about religion, saying that was no concern of his. This spirit of tolerance has been generally oreditod to him siuco ho was a youth, and is said to bo duo to no indifference to Greek, but possibly to tho influence of Tolstoi's writings, with which wo be lieve His Majesty is familiar, or may >o to tho teachings of his English lutor, Mr. Hoath, who still retains tlis Majesty's friendship iu tho ca pacity of tutor to tho young Graud Duke Michael. London Chronicle. An Absurd Dictionary. Ono of tho absurdities of tho times is u dictionary of 300 or 400 pages, tho size of a big thumb nail, inclosed iu a casetif aluminum, silver or gold, and road by means of a magnifying lens set into the case. Many persons bought them at fifty cents and a few more wero foolish enough to take the gold-onsod ones at more that twenty times that amount, —Chicago Reoord. PfflfflHEM Tho brownio is even engravod on note paper. Russian railroads have women's smoking oars. It is said that bicycle bloomers arc not popular in Chicago. An edition of the Cleveland Plain Dealer was issued by 100 women. Maladies incident to excessive gay ety keep the fashionable physicians very busy. Tho opera hat that crushes down just like a man's is being importod for the tailor-made girl. Horses aro almost unknown in Japan, but tho presont Empress is a skilled equestrienne. The up-to-date girl is having the gems that once glistenod in her ears made into finger-rings. The custom of blackening their teeth after mariiage is dying out among Japaneso women. There is u fashionable craze for broochos of all kinds, with tho prefer ence for grandmamma's. The very latest feather boa is much shorter than those whioh havo been worn, reaching only to the waist. Tho time has arrivod whou women of Vanity Fair wear the same evoning dress twice without exciting comment. Miss Clara Brett Martin, tbo lead ing woman lawyer in Canada,'has been nominated for school trustee of To ronto. Mrs. Ella Wheeler Wilnox's fad in animals is a little white kitten which cams all tho way from Paris in a crated box. Fastidious youths make trouble. One has broken his matrimonial en gagement because tho young woman persisted in riding a bicycle. Miss Gertrudo Vanderbilt, tho Now York heiress, who recently "came out," is said to havo a great deal of character, hut she is not a beauty. It is said that in London alone there aro no fewer than 10,000 professional musicians of various gradoß, and that more than half of them are women. Moire gauze in lovely pale shades is a now material for evoning dresses, and decided moire effects ure shown in the new crepons. The buckles which are sold sepa rately for the decoration of stock col lars can now bo had in crystal, moon stones, rhinestoueß, silver, gold, stoel and jet. Walking glovos of dogskin are the correct fashion for the tailor-made gown. Tan and red tan shades are the most worn by tho fashionable women. The fans used by Algorian Indies are put together like flags, tho spread of tho fan swinging only from side to side instead of baok and forth in the usual way. A new purse is made of wovon gold threads, made small at tho top by a patent gold spring and finished with a gold kaob set with jewols or holding a tiny watch. Mrs. W. J. Baird, the famous chess problem woman, of London, advises all women to learn to play chess. She says it will correct their teudeuoy to jump at conclusions, and will help to keep them at home. Very pretty waists aro made of China silk, with stock collar and fold ed girdlo of velvet. Pearl color shot and flowered with old rose, or olive with pink, aro fasliiouablo mixtures, magenta velvet being often used for trimming. The evening slipper now matchos tho dress. This has become tho rule rather than the exception. The slip per has a high heel and low vamp, uud is decorated with a tiny buokle of steol, rhinestones or tho more brilliant Strass diamonds. Tho paper-soled shoo and silk stock ing have had their day. Shoos made of pliublo calfskin with solos almost half an inch thick, cut rather low and with pointed toes, uro tho correct stylo for wnlking. Woolen gaiters aro worn over them. It is said that Queen Victoria is prolicient in eleven Europoan lan guages, and that she has in tho last four or.five yoars completely mastered Hindoostanee, in which she converses with greut correotuess and fluency with any of her Indian subjects who aro presented at court. A new thing in silver for the dress ing* table is a lmir receiver. It is a small, low bowl fitted with a cover, that has a circular opening in tho centre about tho size of a quarter, through which combings aro thrust. It is at onco the tidest as well as most ornamental hair receiver yet evolved. Hand painted drosses with flowers and fruit thrown in garlands all over the skirt, or landscapes pained in me dallions on the front uud sides, aro au extravagant fanoy in Paris. And added to this elegance i 3 a laco which is throaded, in portioros, with small diamonds and costs SJDOO'per metre. Tho badge of the Philadelphia Wo man's Health Proteotivo Association two ends of scarlet and gray ribbons, with a silver broom to pin them on— is thus expluinod by one of its wear ers: "The scarlet means danger, you know, and tho gray, dust, and tho broom—that is what wo moan to do." The style of many of tho now tuilor mado gowns, and also of many drossy costumes, indicates tliut linen collars and cull's will bo much worn tbis spring. They will be generally plain, with turn-down oollurs and gauntlet cuff. Soma- embroidered- sots are trimmed with tiny frills of Valen ciennes lace. HOUSEHOLD AFFAIRS. LITTLE ALMOND PATTIES. Blnnch one-half pound of almonds, ' dry them on a dish in the oven and chop them fine. Bent the whites of three eggs to a stiff froth, add tho yolks of two eggs and heat again, then stir in a cup of powdered sugar, add ! most of tho almonds, reserving a few to Bcatter over tho tops. Aiiuo little ' pnttio pans with puff paste rolled very i thin, fill them with cracker crumbs j and bake. While very hot, tip out tho crumbs and fill with the almond paste, sprinkle some almonds over tho top, and bake in a slow oven half an hour. —Boston Cultivator. KEROSENE EMULSION. This formula for a keroseno emul sion was given by a professor iu one of our agricultural colleges some years ago, and I was requosted to experiment with it on greenhouse plants. I did so, with highly satisfactory results, writes Eben E. Rexford, in tho Ladies' Homo Journal. It is made as follows: Two quarts keroseno, ono part slight ly sour milk. Churn togetlior Jintil a union of milk and oil results. Whon they unite a white, jelly-like substance will bo secured, which will mix readily with water. Dilute this jelly with eighteen or twenty times its quantity of water, and shower your plants thor oughly. Soft leaved plants, like be gonias, primroses and gloxinias aro frequently injured by it, if applied iu the strength advised above; therefore, it is well to dilute tho application by using at least thirty parts of water to one of the jelly. RICE CROQUETTES. Take half a oup of rioe, ono pint of milk, two tnblospoonfuls of sugar, throe eggs, a little grated lemon peel, one tablospoonful of molted butter aud a saltspoonful of salt. Soak tho rioe three hours in water enough to oover it. Drain almost dry aud pour iu the milk. Stew iu oue saucepau set iu another of hot water, until tho rioe is very tender. Add the sugar, butter and salt and simmer ten minutes. Whisk the eggs to a froth and add cautiously, taking tho saucepan from tho fire while you whip thein iuto the mixture. Return to the stove aud stir while thoy thiokon, not allowing them to boil. Remove the saucepan and add the grated lomon pcol t thou turn upon a well-greased dish to cool. When cold and stiff, flour your hands and roll iuto pear-shaped balls, dip in beaten egg, then in fine cracker crumbs anil fry in lard. Croquettes shoull bo made some hours before they are fried.—New York World. HOUSEHOLD HINTS. A little salt in tho starch will usual ly prevent its stioking when you go to iron. Always remember that silverware - when used to lift or as a receptacle for oggs will turn black, and a most obstinate blaok to got off, too. Only silver polish will remove it. To glaze pastry, beat the yolk of at) egg to a froth, and when tho pastry ii nearly done, brush with the yolk ami return to the oven to set tho glaze, but be careful not to let it stay too long, as it will brown it unduly. There is really a use for old lemon skins. After squeezing freo of juice, they ftre used to clean old brass and copper. Hub them with soap and then dip in fino aslios or polish. Hub dry with a dry woolen cloth or a piece of chamois. Plaster casts in their natural state are best freed from dust by covering thorn with a thick layer of starch. Whon the starch is dry, brush thoroughly with a stiff brush, and it will be found that tho dust has boon removed with tho starok. A burning thirst may bo curod by taking a good bath ; iikowiso it often cures a headache, rests tired feet and sweotons a sour temper. Add to this a ohungo of linen nud of dress, and you ofton find a new creature. There is no civilizer like the bath. Zinc bath tuba and all copper and tin kitchen utensils can bo kepi in pristine brightness by occasionally washing them with a hot solution ol salt and vinegar. They must bo thor oughly rinsed in clear hot water im mediately after the vinegar applica tion. Tea tablets are one of my lady's re cent luxuries. Each tablet makes a cup of toa strong enough to please any ono. Nearly fill a cup with boil ing water, drop in a tablet, sugar an 1 cream if you wish. Tho result is de lightful, aud is no troublo whatever. Few things aro moro directly con ducive to cold than tho chilling of the foot, and to guard against it provide the crocheted bedroom slippors foi each child. It takes vigilance and constant reiteration to teach them to wear them every timo thoir shoes and stockings aro doffed. Warm and dry feot in winter aro tho best proventivo of oolds that has yet been found. Very few children aro born blind, but thot it was usually brought about by carelessness and ignorance. Children's eyes are exposed to tho bright light all too soon. Everybody lias got to see tho baby, aud it is likually held up in tho glare of a sunny window or a light and admired ut length. Munsles havo timo aud again been tho death of eyesight uud also negleoted inflamma tions. Au approved way to inaKe black cof fee is to put four tablespooufuU of puro pulverized Mocha ooffoo iu a warm, dry colTou pot, uud pour over it gradually a piut of boiling water. Btuud the pot iu a bain Mario, or iu a saucepan of boiling water, so that, though the cofleo gets thoroughly hot, it still does not boil. When this cof fee has boon poured through a strain er it is ready for use.—Now Yorn 'Xelogram, SERVED IN THE WAR. TIIE GRIP ALMOST WON WHERE THE BULLET FAILED. Our Alwy Knlittlcd in the Infirmities cf the Veieru. C From the Herald, Woods lock, Va.) Thore la an old soldier in Woodstock, Va., who aorred in tho war with Mexico and in the war of the rebellion, Mr. Levi Mclaturff. Cle passed through both thceo wars without nsoriouß wound. The hardships, however, told soriously on him, for whon tho grip at tacked him four yoars ago it nearly killed him. Who oan look upon tho Infirmities of % votoran without a feeling of tho deepest lympathy? His townspeople saw him con fined to his house so prostrated with great Qorvousness that he could not hold a knife and fork at tho tabic, so&rooly able to walk, too, and as ho attempted it. he often stum bled and fell. Thoy saw him treated by the best talont to bo had—but still he suflforod or. for four years, and gave up finally in despair. Ouo day, however, he was struck by the ac count of a euro which had been affected by tho use of Dr. Williams' Pink Tills. He im mediately orderod u box and commenced tak ing thorn. Ho says ho was greatly relieved within throe days' time. The blood found it* way to his Angers, and his hands, which hod boon palsiod, assumed a natural color, and ho was soon enabled to uso his knife aud fork at tho table. lie has recovored his strength to such an extent that ho is able to chop wood, shock ooru and do his regular work about his homo. Ho now says no can not only walk, to Woodstock, but can walk acros* the mountains, 110 is able to lift up a fifty two pound weight with one band and says he does not know what Dr. Williams' Pink' Pill* have done for others, but knows that they have done a groat work for him. Ho was in town last Monday, court day, and was loud in lus praise of tho niodicliu that had given him so great relief. Ho pur chased another box and took it homo with lilni. Mr. Mclaturff is willing to make aid davit to those facts. The proprietors of Dr. Williams' Pink Pills state that thoy are not a patent medicine, but a prescription used for many years by an em inent practitioner, who produced the most wonderful results with them, curing all forms of weakness arising from a watery condition of the blood or shattered nerves, two fruitful causes of ulmost every ill to which llosh is heir. Tho pills arc also a specific for tho trouble ncculiar to females, such as suppres sions, all forms of weakness, chronic consti pation. bearing down pains, etc., aud in the case of men will give speedy relief and effect a permanent cure iu ull eases arising from inontul worry, overwork or oxoesces of what ever nature. Thoy are entirely harmless and can lie given to weak and sickly children With tho greatest good and without tho slightest danger. Pink Pills are sold by all dealers, or will be sent postpaid on receipt of prieo (00c. a b