LIFE.
O Life, how slight!
A little sweet,
A brief delight,
And then— we meet!
0 Life, how vain I
A little spite,
A little paiu,
And then—good-night 1
—[Charles G. D. Roberts, in Independent
A WHITE ONE.
The air was thick with stoam and im
pregnated with the smell of soap, and
the temperature was by no ineuns low,
more especially as the sun was stream
ing in through the uncurtuiaed windows.
But the laundry girls were used to these
inconveniences and thought nothing of
them. '1 hey chattered continuously over
their work, not because they were happy
or because they had anything particular
to say, but because they had no concep
tion of the dignity of silenco. Tho con
versation was, perhaps, not of the most
edifying description, and tho language
employed wus forcible, garnished by
slang, and not free from superfluous ex
fletives, for theso girls wero not of the
ighest type. There wus a curious taw
driness or rather gaudiness about their,
for the most part, ragged dresses; they
had big, heavy fringes, which tho stoum
had taken out of curl, so that in nearly
every instance they straggled into the
bold eyes beneath thorn; their faces,too,
wero in a striking contrast to their hands
in the matter of cleanliness, for it was
not compulsory to put them in tho water
in order to earn a livelihood; but they
were better in this respect than they
would bo nearer the ond of the week, for
to-dny was only Tuesday.
Tho only exception to the universal
untidiness was manifested in the person
of one whom tho girls called 'Liza (tho i
boing pronounced as if it was the diph
thong ai). This 'Liza, the preliminary
"e" of whose numo was invariubly
dropped by her acquaintainces, was a
hunchback, and her faco. though it pos
sessed tho merit of cleanliness, was al
most repulsively ugly. Tho complexion
was sallow, tho mouth badly shaped, tho
eyebrows obtrusivoly dark and heavy;
very sad wero tho eyes beneath them,
had there been any one to note their'
wistful look, but 'Liza did not encourago
scrutiny, and, indeod, tho brown oyes
were not romarkablo in themselves, und
woro moreover half hidden by tho droop
ing lids, from which she glanced in a
sideways, half-sinister inunner. 'Liza
was not very populur among her compan
ions, partly because she chose to be ex
clusive, and partly because she could on
occasions say unpleasantly sharp things.
But there was one person wliom she
loved, and that wus Miss Callcnder.
By and by the ringing of a bell cre
ated a diversion among the workers.
Almost simultaneously eight pairs of
red, soapy arms were drawn out of the
wash-tubs, eight pairs of red, crinkled
hands were wiped on somo portion of
convenient apparul, and eight pairs of
ill-shod foet tramped into an adjoining
room.
At a table in this room stood a young
lady, very sweet in appearance and pret
tily dressed. She nodded in a friendly
way to the girls, and shook hands witli
each one as they passed. She hud their
interest at heart, and mado it her duty to
come two or throe times a week and pro
vide them with dinner. This dinner con
sisted usually, as on this occasion, of a
plate of soup and a large slice of pud.
aing, for which thoy paid a penny; a sec
ond helping of either could he hud for a
farthing, so the payment was merely
nominal; but the girls were exempt from
the feeling that thoy wore the recipients
of charity.
The coppers were "dabbed" down on
the tablo in a little pile, and Miss Cullen
der ladled out the soup, which was quickly
and noisily consumed. Tho young lady
watched the other women, smiling. Per
fectly dainty herself, their roughness did
not seem to repel her.
"Girls," she said presently, in her
quiet, clear voice, "I am going to give a
party in tho Mission Hall. WiU you
come?"
There was a chorus of delighted assont,
accompanied hy a general clattering of
spoons on the almost empty plates.
"Lor, Miss; what sort of a party
might it ho, now?"
"Oh, friendly," said Miss Callondor.
'•Music, and plenty to eat, and—you
may bring your sweethearts."
This caused a prolonged giggling.
"Might wo bring more than one?" iy
3uired l'olly Hluines, who enjoyed the
istinction of being tho prettiest of the
girls.
Miss Callondor shook her head disap- I
provingly.
"You oughtn't to have more than one,"
she said, smiling.
"Oh! as for that, Miss, I don't want
any, I'm sure; but there, the more you
draws off, the moro they comes on.
That's how it is with men, and that's why
them as don't want 'cm, uhvays has the
most admirers."
And Polly, conscious of a fascinating
retrousse nose and a dimpled chin, tossed
her head in tho air.
Whoroupon all tho girls, not to bo out
done, and by no means roticent on tho
subject of their love attain, fell to talk
ing about them, finding tho topic emi
nently congenial, and treating it in a
manner which displayed no inoro vulgar
ity of heart than is concealed by certain
ladies. Miss Cullender rather encour
aged than chocked them; she liked them
to bo perfectly natural boforo her, and
was glad of anything which gavo her an
insight into their lives and characters.
I wo there wore who kept silence; one
a little newly married woman, to whom
love was too sacred for common speech:
and Liza.
Iho pudding she had begun to attack <
seemed to stick in 'Liza's throat, and she '
bad grout difficulty in gulping it down, '
tor the other hunger of which Bho was
often conscious, the hunger of tho heart,
flow so assorted itself as to make her ob
livious of bodily needs. Something there
was, too, of bitterness in her mind as she
listened to the talk of those others. Per
haps 1 oily s words did more to cause it
than anything else; " Them us don't
want em always has the most admirers."
Looking up, she suddenly met tho eyes
of this girl. To her morbid imagination
they expressed pity, perhaps scorn. She
crimsoned.
1 here was a momentary lull, so that
they all board her when sho said in a pe
culiarly loud, harsh defiant voico:
"Mine isn't livin'; mine isn't."
"Yours? Did you have a sweetheart
once?"' asked tho married woman, not un
gently, though thro was tho slightest
perceptible accent on the pronoun.
"And why not?" asked 'Liza, and her
voice was louder than before. "It isn't
only pretty girls us has people caring f r
'em. There's other things besides
looks."
"Of course there are, dear," said Miss
Callendcr, soothingly, for 'Liza's eyes
flashed ominously. "Goodness is worth
much more to n man."
"What WHS his name, 'Liza?" asked
Polly Blaines.
I 'oily WHS conceited, and Liza, hypers
sensitive, scented patronage.
"I ain't going to tell yer," she said.
Then, with switt contradiction, "his first
name was Charlie."
"Was he handsome?" asked Polly,
pinching her neighbor under the table, so
that the latter, a high-colored, coarse
looking girl, gave a littlo squeak.
"I never see anybody bettor looking,"
said 'Liza, with promptitude, "lie wasn't
any of your pink, dolly men." (Polly's
favored suitor happened to be fair.)
lie was dark and his nose was straight,
like a gentleman's, and his tooth was
white, and" ('Liza warmed to her sub- (
ject) "he used to wear a red silk tie,with a
pin in it And." she wont ou, "ho always
gave mo lots of presents —lots, and he
loved me so, as ho couldn't bear me out
of his sight. Oh," she cried excitedly,
"ho did love me, and we was so happy,
keepin' company, and he was a-goin' to
marry mo " Sho paused abruptly.
Indeed, her shrill voice had got almost
beyond her control.
"What did he die of?" asked one of
the girls, with genuine compassion in her
tones.
'Liza looked at her—gasped hesitated
a moment—then rose und pushed buck
her chair.
"That don't matter to no one," she
said, in a hurd voice that yet had a catch
iu it. "He's dead, and that's enough;
and you needn't any of you over talk to
me about him. So there!" And sho
went back into tho laundry.
There was a moment's silenco. Miss
Cullender sat looking thoughtful; then
she rose and followed 'Liza into tho next
room, closing tho door. The other girls
regarded one another with some surpriso.
'Liza was usually silent and wus consid
ered moroso, but her affliction had made
them kind to her in their rough way,
though sho was certainly not a favorite
among them. But now that they real
ized that sho had a romance in her life
tho lovo of sentiment, which is in every
woman, made them feel u sympathy for
her hitherto unknown.
'Liza was standing by her wushtub,
and she had already plunged in her hands
and begun to vigorously soap one from |
the heap of towels she had to wash. 11 or
lips were set tight together, her bosom
was heaving, and a tear had rolled down
i her cheek and droppod off it on her
coarso apron. She put up her arm, her
hands being soapy, and laid her elbow
across her oyes for a minute.
"Eliza," said a soft voice, in accents
more tender than sho was wont to hear,
so that her namo sounded quito musical.
She looked up.
" Eliza," said Miss Cullender again,
and then sho came oloso up to the girl,
and drew her towurd her.
'Liza was unused to any such demon
stration. Perhaps that was why she
half-pulled herself away.
"My dear," said Miss Callonder, " wo
must bo great friends, you and I, for wo
have a sorrow in common. Nothing
binds peoplo so close together us to bo
linked by mutual trouble. Two years
ago I was engaged to bo married, and he
who was to have been my husband was—
was shot, in Afghanistan."
" Oh, Miss ! " cried 'Liza," Oh, Miss !"
"So you soe," said Miss Caliender
softly, "you and I must be a comfort to
each other."
'Liza did not speak. She began to
pull at her apron-strings, then getting
them into a knot, busied herself undoing
"It don't soem as I could do anythink,"
she said presently. "You always seems
happy and bright-like. You're mostly
I smiling. 1 don't soe how you can bo it
when any one us has cared for yor has
' died."
"God helps mo to bo happy, said Miss
Caliender simply. "Besides, 1 huvo
many things to be grateful for."
"Ah, there yer are," cried 'Liza, al
most passionately; "you ain't poor and
lonely and hugly. You could havo love
if yer wanted to; you don't go longin'
and longin', and a pain in your heart
mostwhiles. I wouldn't toll any o'
them," (pointing to the door) "for thoy
wouldn't understand, but you ain't like
them, and you won't make a mock at mo,
butthoro's times, specially in tho even
ings, when I acho for some ono to say
<juitogentle-like to mo,'' Liza,' and just
to look at me a bit lovin'. Why shouldn't
I havo what others do? 'Causo I ain't
pretty? Ain't my heart as good as
Polly's there? Wouldn't I bo truer tliun
her? Maybe I won't mind later on, but
I ain't so oh] now as all that como to.
And natur's uatur, whethor wo'ro ladios
or poor girls. Ain't it nat'ral to want
to bo loved?"
"Most natural, dear," said Miss Cul
lender to whom 'Liza was just then a
revolution.
"Then," went on tho girl, cmboldonod
by tho sympathy which was rathor in
manner than words, "when folks are
kind to mo it's mostly pity as makes 'cm;
and I hate to bo pitied. It ain't be
cause they wants mo with 'em; there's
oven some, I suppose, as wouldn't care
to keep company with me in caso folks
Bhould stare. Anil, oh, I'm proud, I am
—l'm awfully proud. Thero's nono so
proud us them us is despised, you
know."
"I don't despise you, Eliza," said Miss
Cullender, spontaneously. "And I'm
suro others don't."
"If I thought you liked mo a bit, not
bocauso j*ou pitioJ mo, I'd bo uncommon
glad," said' Liza, shyly. "I s'pose," she
went on. half-ashaincd at her own confi
dences, "it wouldn't make no manner o'
difference to you, me likin' you?"
" Indeed it would," Miss Callondor an
swered, and she bent forward and kissed
'Liza on tho forehead.
'Liza turned away quickly. "I reckon
'd better got on with my work," she said,
uskily.
And at that minuto the door was open
ed, and the otherscamo trooping in. Miss
Cullender exchanged a few words with
them and then went back to get her
things.
From that day began a new era for
. 'Liza. Whether it was that Miss Cullen
der singled her out for -pocial attention,
I r because thoy wore really capable of a
I lasting impression themselves, it is im
possible to say, but it is certain that sho
was dilVorontly treated by the other
women and equally certain that this
treatment had a salutary effect upon her.
Hepollant at first, sho grow daily moro
upproaohnblo, less suspicious, more gra
cious, and her hotter qualities came into
play. Perhaps tlto influence of Mi-s
Cullender had not a littlo to do with this,
for from tho beginning 'Liza had loved
her, and new her feeling was littlo loss
than worship. And to lovo another is so
good for a woman's soul that it works
like magic on her wholo being. It made
possible to 'Liza tho comprehension of a
• love higher than Miss Cullender's; and
: tho little London hoathen, boing taught
• by her dear lady concerning those things
i of which sho had boon ignorant hithorto
because what tho girls called "religious."
\ Toward tho ond of tho summer, sho con
j soared to bo confirmed, and wont to
olasses, and this seemed to tho others to
mako 'Liza more important, especially
when sho explained that "thoro was
ladies at the classes."
'Liza was nearer boing happy now than
she had ever been in her life, and vet sho
seemed sadder too. Often she hoaved
great sighs that made her neighbor turn
and look at her, and frequently there
wero marks of toars on her face; so that
bye-and-bye it grew evident to the others
that there wus something weighing upon
her.
As the time for her confirmation drew
near 'Liza looked graver than ever, and
more worried At last it came to the
day itself. She had obtained a holiday
from the laundry,through the influence of
Miss Calleudor. What was the surprise
of that lady and the others, therefore,
when, in the midst of the mid-day meal,
in rushed 'Liza. She had on a clean
print dress, made for the occasion, but
her hair wus disordered, her face pale
from fatigue und excitement, her eyes
shone brightly.
"Hullo," exclaimed the girls in a breath.
"My! ain't sho a swell." They thought
sho had come to show off her dress.
"Eliza," excluimed Miss Callendor.
"What do you want? You will bo late
for your confirmation."
"Oh, Miss," gasped 'Liza, almost
breathless, as she was, "I had to come.
I've tried and tried to say it, and I never
could; and at first it seemed a white one.
But, lately, it's come 'atween mo und
God. And I've thought on it ut night,
in bod, and when any of you had been
kind to 1110, it ha' cut ino like a knife.
And, oh, Miss, when you've spoken of
him, I've been a near fallin' down and
explaining to yer, but somothin' held mo
back. And I told God, but ho seemed to '
suy it wasn't any uso my just tellin', un
less I undid it. Oh, pleuso, all of you. !
I don't care now what you think of me,
or if you despise me. I can't go to
church until I've told yer. llim as I
talked of was only what I dreamed about
when I was lonoly, ovonings and timos;
and thoro wasn't no Charlie, really, und
no one ain't never loved mo, nor
wanted to marry me."—[Ludgato Month
Earthquakes.
Several shocks of earthquake which
! liuve recently been felt in various
quarters of the globe at about tho time
of tho new moon recall the interesting
theory that the earth is more frequently
shaken near tho poriods of the new and
full moon than at any other times. Lists
of earthquakes covoring many years have
been preparod, which seem to favor this
theory.
The roaeon assigned is similar to that
by which we are able to acoount for tho
greater height or the tides at new and full
moon.
When the moon and the sun are on the
same side of the earth, as is the case ut
now moon, they unito the force of their
attructionß in heaping up tho waters of
the soa. Tho same thing happens when
they are on opposite sides of tho earth,as
at full moon, for then each,by attracting
in an opposite direction, assists the other
in pulling out tho ocean, so to speak, as
one might pull out the sides of a rubber
ball.
According to tho theory in question,
tho same forces of tho sun and moon
which raise tho tides put a strain upon
tho crust of tho earth which, by causing
tho strata of tho rocks to slip and slide a
little, produces earthquakes.
When the moon is at its quarters its
pull is at right angles to that of the sun,
and then, as is well known, tho tides are
lowest. Then, too, it is argued, the
strain upon tho crust of tho earth is least.
If this theory is true, how wonderfully
sensitive the apparently solid globe must
bo to the impulses conveyed to it by the
attraction of bodies hundreds of thous
ands and millions of miles distuut.—
[Chicago Herald.
How to Pop Corn.
The rice corn is by many considered
the best variety for popping, and while
it is cortainly an excellent kind we have
recently coino across a dark blue, almost
black variety, which we think surpasses
it. This kind has larger ears than tho
rice, with smooth kcrnuls of good size,
and pops out much larger. To secure
tho host results discard tho old-fashioned
corn-popper and uso a deep iron kettle.
Tho nro must be a very hot one, of line
dry wood, burned to a mass of coals and
embers. Have ready tho shelled corn,
which has been freed from chaff by pour
ing from one pan to unothcr so that tho
chaff is blown away by tho air. Place
tho kettlo over the lire and put in half a
cup of lard and about half a teaspoonful
of salt. When tho lard is melted put in
two cupfuls of corn and stir briskly until
it begins to pop; then cover tho kettle,
shaking it bv tho bail to prevent burning
tho corn. When tho popping has some
what subsided, remove the cover and stir
with a long-handled spoon until all is
popped. Turn quickly into a pan, as
there is danger ot scorching if left in tho
kettle. This quantity should make at
least a heaping milk pan full ufter it is
popped.
To make popcorn balls, boil two cups
of the best molasses until it hardens in
water; add a pinch of soda, stir well and
pour over tho popcorn, mixing it evenly
with a large spoon. When cool enough
to handle, press into balls. Tho balls
may be made by using sugar instead of
molasses, boiling it with u little until it
hardens in water. Flavor and use tho
samo as tho molasses.—[American Agri
culturist.
Memory Feats,
Louis XIIL after a year's time could
draw from memory tho plan of a country,
with all its details.
When Mr. lllaino was in Congress ho
used frequently to repeat bills under
discussion, after having read thoin once.
Daniel Webster was üblo to repeat the
whole Constitution of the United States
word for word, including punctuation
stops.
Hortonsius,the famous orator,attended
a public sale lasting a whole day and re
called, in order, all the objects sold and
the names of the purchasers.
Scanger, an Italian,in twenty-one days
committed to memory the "Iliad," which
comprises 15,210 verses, and the "Odys
sey," which also comprises a large
number.
Lipsius, a professor at the University
of Loyden, offered to recite Tacitus'
history in its entirety in the presence of
a poison armed with a poniard, who
should stab him with it at the first error.
—[Now York l'ress.
HARD ON BOI'IITIE.
"I am very sorry for poor Mrs. Soph
tie."
"Why?"
"She has so little to live for."
"llow is that?"
"They say she lives only for hor hus
band."
THE JOKER'S BUDGET.
JESTS iS'B YARNS BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Loft his Address —Needed Finishing !
—'Tiras Ever Thus—lt Doesn't
Pay—At the Club, Etc.
LEFT HIS ADDRESS.
Bank toller—Well, sir.
Tramp (at the window)—Saay,l picked
up part of the paper called the Banker's
Bugle to-day. Saw a queer thing in it.
Th' paper is reliable, on?
Teller —Perfectly. Its financial nows
niay always bo relied on.
Trainp—Jiinmy ! I'm glad o' that.
Say, that paper says money is so easy
that the bank will soon bo socking
borrowers, and I merely wish to remurk
that when th' hunt begins you'll find 1110
on seat No. 220 Washington square.—
[Good News.
NEEDED FINISH ISO.
Caller—Your daughter is at home now.
is she not? I heard she had graduated at
the Artistic Literary and Scientific Uni
versity.
Hostess—She is not at home. She lias
gone to a finishing school.
| 'Why, what for?"
"Oh, to learn how to enter a room, and
sit down, and hold a fan, and blush, you
know."—[New York Weekly.
'TWAS EVER THUS.
When a maiden is vivacious,
Men applaud and cull it chick:
But if she's an old buck number,
They will whisper: "That's no
chick."
—[Truth.
IT DOESN'T PAY.
Little Daughter—l'm awful sorry we
had our old piano tuned.
Mother—Why so, my dear?
Little daughter—'Cause when I play
now I can't blame the discords on the
piano."—[Good News.
AT THE CLUB.
Gay Bacholor—Do you think there is
anything in the theory that married men
live longer than unmarried ones ?
Henpecked Friend (wearily)—Oh, I
don't know—sooms longer.
NOT TO BE RESISTED.
1* irst Damsel—But I thought he said
he would never speak to you again.
Second Damsel—Oh, yes; but ho saw
I had u cold, and ho couldn't resist the
temptation to toll mo of a sure euro.
BENEFIT OF COLLEGE EDUCATION.
Scholasticus Hardup—l am a college
student, and I want a place to work in
your hotel this Suminor.
Hotel Proprietor— What experience or
qualifications have you?
Scholasticus Hardup—l am the champ
ion boxer and wrestler of my class.
Hotel Proprietor—Ah! then you will
do very well to whip cream. —[Boston
Courier.
A MATTER OF DIET.
She (gushingly)— And do you write
poetry? Oh, 1 eould live on It!
He—You could? Well, I can't. I
merely write it. I'm in the wholesale
groeory business.—[Truth.
BELLS.
1 he churoh-bells have a joyous sound
Of peace and good-will bringing;
And sleigh-bells, when the moon is
round,
Have music in their ringing;
But, after all, I must agree
That maidens are the belles for me.
—[Judge.
MEMORY FOR LITTLE THINGS.
Bloggs (returning to his nativo town)
—Do you remember me, Jay?
Jay—Well, no, I can't recall you
name, but I well remember lending you
five dollars in 1840, which you never
returuod. Do you happen to have that
uinount with you now?
A PHYSIOGNOMIST.
"Oh," exclaimed Miss Bondclippor,
"what a clover man that Mr. Gilhooloy
is! He is really quite a physiognomist.
I was telling him last evening that I had
become quite proficient in painting, and
ho said:
" 'I am sure of it, mudame; your face i
shows it."'
Chorus—lndeed.—[Texas Siftings.
REGRETS.
I've scribbled many a tender note,
In language soft and sweet;
I've written many a loving verse,
In different kinds of feet.
I've shaken the girl I wrote thorn to,
And oh, it gives mo pain
To think of how silly and choap I'll feel,
When I hear them in court again.
—[New York Herald.
DANGERS OF PROCRASTINATION.
Landlady—l s'pose you noticed that
long-whiskered old gentlemen who sat op
posite you at dinner to-day? That is
Prof. Driobones, and you can have his
room, as he Is going West on a scientific
exploration—strangest thing you over
hoard.
New Boarder—What is?
Landlady—The object of his tour. Ho
has been told that a pro-historic cave has
been discovered out West, and in it sat
ten skeletons around a petrified tablo.
Now Hoarder—Well! well! Why ;
didn't the fools change their boarding
house sooner? —[Now York Weekly.
MAMMA'S DIARIES.
Little Girl—The teacher says I must (
got a diary, and write in it all I do every !
day. Will you buy me one, mamma?
Mamma —There aro plenty of them up |
stairs in the lower bureau drawer, fifteen
or twenty, I think.
Little Girl—But isn't those ones writ- '
ten in?
Mamma —Only the first pages of each.
AN ENCOURAGING CHANGE.
Tramp —Please mum, I'm nearly
starved mum. I'm so week I can hardly
crawl.
Housekeeper —Tramps in that condi
tion uro not so dangerous as the other
sort. Go on with your starving, please.
[Good Nows.
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW.
Bouttown —Here comes Sappy, one of
the best fellows that over lived.
Downtown—Lends you money, eh?—
[New York Weekly.
A USEFUL PROVERB.
"She was so much attached to her first
husband that she would not marry again
till she wont to his grave and asked his
consent."
"How foolish! Of course she couldn't
got any reply."
"No, but she married again, nevertho
i less; sho roinombored the proverb, 'Si
' lunce gives consent.' "
INLY A HALF.
Little DicM-Did you over see half a
boy?
Little Dot-iXo; did you?
Little Diclt- Not yet , hut we both will
next week. 4cousin ours what we
never saw is ooiiin'here from the West,
un' mainmu sa 8 he's half orphan."
At DV IGNORANCE.
Kind Lady -If you did not drink
liquor you wodd have more to eat.
Tramp—Oh, "o, mum; no, indeed,
mum; it's just the other way. If the
barkeeper didnt see us buyin' a drink
once in a while we'd soon starve. —[New
York Weekly.
WORSE FLAN AN INQUISITION.
Young Wife- -Idon't like that cooking
schoel teacher ;t all. Sho has neither
patience nor consideration. She actual
ly cruel.
Husband—Gioat snakes! She doesn't
really make yoi eat the things, does she!
—[New York' Weekly.
SO MF. CONSOLATION.
Spacer—lsn't your little attic room
awfully cold the e days?
Liner—Somctmes it is; but (oheer
fully) the chiminy catches tire sometimes.
—[New York H raid.
ROO) AT THE TOP.
He—l don't <eo what people keep
diaries for; I ca: keep all my affairs in
my hcud.
She—That's a good way, too; but not
every one lias th room.
WORTH THINKING OF.
Customer—lsi't that a pretty good
price for a porou-t plaster?
Druggist— YOL but think how long it
will lust.
A CHAP AUQUA SPOON.
Doll—l wond r if Maggio Morrison
brought homo on of those spoons from
Chautauqua with her?
Bill—Oh, yes; 1 saw her with him at
the sooial last night.—[Epoch.
NEEDED IMB TO IMPROVE.
Old Resident—'Yes, sir, I'm eighty
years old, and i walked thirty miles
t'other day. Kip you do that?
Average Man—N-o, not yet. I'm not
forty.
WINKFTG AT CRIME.
"Oh, not a whoo bird on my hat,"
Sho criod: "I ouldu't think of that,
It's wrong to kit the dainty things,
Just use tho head and pair of wings."
—[Chicago Times.
A DIBS THREAT.
Snooper—l'm afraid we'll loso young
Harris. lie's a cry capable man, and
wo aro not payinghimmuch. I'm afraid
some other firm will teinpt him away."
Swuybuck—Jus tell himthut if he ac
cepts another situation, we'll discharge
him on tho instant—[Epoch.
THERE WEBB EXCEPTIONS.
The Shopper (in china and queensw&re
store, to salesman) —You don't break
these sots, I prosune ?
Tho Salesman —No'm; but our errand
boy doos, soinotiims.
A SAFE PURCHASE.
" I've just mortgaged my house for
$5,000," said a New Y'orker to his broker
friend. " Can you give me a pointer on
something that's a purchase ?
"I can," replied tho broker; "buy that
mortgage on your house."—[Harper's
Bazar.
CURIOUS SIMILARITY.
"When we wore in the north seas,"
said tho whaling captain, "we frequently
traded blubber for sealskins."
" That's nothing," said Bond; "down
in the North River region my wife worked
tho very same racket on me."—[New
York World.
THOUGHT SOMETHING OF HIMSELF.
She —I wouldn't marry the best mau
living.
He—Then there is no hope for mo. It
was beoause I thought you would that I
proposed to you.
Russian Servants.
Wo have a pleasant way of growling
and grumbling over the inoflicioncy of
our Mary Anns and Elizas, and consider
ourselves very badly used becuuso they
do not come nearer tho pinnacle of per
fection, but tho Russian servant doublo
discounts ours in vexatious incompetency,
and tho Russian mistress has trials beside
which our fade into iusiguificanco. Every
household has a host of retainers. They
go off to sleep at any hour in tho day.
They annex anything within reach, and
truth is an unknown virturo to thorn. A
lady cannot help about her house or she
loses all oaste with and authority over
her servants. She can only scold and
wait for the spirit of tho domestic to move
her toward the accomplishment of her
duties. Tho servant is expected to pro
vide her own mattress,and usually sleeps
on tho kitchen stove in winter ana out in
tho yard in summer. The idea of provid
ing a rooin for sorvants novor occurs to
tho Russian housekeeper.—[St. Louis
Republic.
Bugs That Eat Meal.
Insect Lifo calls attention to two
recently observed instances whore insects
have gnawed metal. One was tho case
of load pipo, cut through by a bug that
was actually found engaged at its work
on tho metal. The "wood wasp"—for
of that species it was—had mode a hole
in tho pipo resembling a nail hole. A
similar occurrence is reported in the shape
of a "minie ball," which was gnawed
through by a wood-boring larva. The
ball had been fired into a red oak tree in
Maryland during the rebellion, and wliou
split out of tho log it was discovered in
the track of a full-grown grub, tho ani
mal's burrow leading directly through
the bullet. Tho latter had been struck
by the insect at its concave end, boring
two-thirds its longth and coming out at
one side somewhat bolow tho apex. Tho
larva was found in the borrow alive,onlv
a short distance above tho bullet. So it
would not aopear that tho story rocently
circulated oi worms which wero alloged
to have attacked steel rails on railways
in Europo is altogether incredible.
Phosphorescent Infection.
Tho curious discovery has been made
that the phosphorescence frequently ex
hibited by many species of the crustneea
is infectious. A French naturalist, M.
Giard, has traced tho phosphorescent
light in Talitrus to bacteria in the mus
cles, theso muscles always showing signs
of disease. On inoculating healthy in
dividuals the sunie luminous appearanoo
was produced. Each and every inocu
lated speoimon, however, died within
seventy-hours.—[St. Louis Republic.
SOMEWHAT STRANGE. |
ACCIDENTS AND INCIDENTS OF
EVERY-DAY LIFE.
Queer Episodes and Thrilling Adven
tures Which Show that Tru£i Is
Stranger than Fiction.
ONE of the many anecdotes of the late
Dr. Leidy, the anatomist is to the follow
ing effect, says the Philadelphia Record.
The doctor had heard of two potritied
bodies being accidentally disinterred in
an undent graveyard down town. Very
anxious to secure them for the Universi
ty of Pennsylvania, he soon found the
officiul known as the superintendent of
the yard. That dignitary, howover,
wouldn't hear of such sacrilege. As the
doctor prepared to retrace his way, quite
disappointed at his failure, the superin
tendent, in a dwawliug, half-conciliatory
tone, ojuculuted: "I toll you what I'll do;
I'll give up the bodies to tho order of
relatives." This hint was sufficient.
Returning home, tho doctor hired a furni
turo wagon, and, fortified with a hastily
written order reading, "Please deliver to
bearer the bodies of my grandfather and
grandmother," drovo to the cemetery.
The covoted specimens were obtained,
and ure exhibited to this day in tho mu
seum of the university.
THE Clifton Bridge by Bristol has
long boon regarded as the groat suicide
bridge of Englund, and on a recent week
it scored its thirty-second victim. It is
curious how any man can want to tako
his life from such a spot, as tho sconery
of tho surrounding country is exquisitoly
beautiful; but the attraction, of course,
is, that tho bridge, which is a suspension
one, is very high and tho valloy below is
exceedingly rooky, so that when once the
fatal leap has been taken, there is no
possibility of anything in tho nature of
a hitch occurring to thwart tho comple
tion of the desperate design. The latest
victim is Mr. Stuart Boucher, of Bath, a
gentleman of independent means, whoso
mangled body was found recently on tho
high rocks on tho Somerset side of the
river.
WILLIAM HAMILTON GIBSON, who is a
trained observer of plants and animals,
satisfied himself somo time ugo that a
rooster makes the Happing noiso that ac
companies his crowing by striking his
wings together over his back. The pop
ular notion is that the bird produces the
noise by striking his wings against his
hard, fat thighs. Mr. Gibson discussed
the subject witlra farmer onco, and the
lutter laughed at the artist's idea and
said: "I've been brought up among
chickens, and I guess I know how a
rooster Haps his wings." "Very good,"
said Mr. Gibson, 4, but you watch your
own fowls for a week, and tell 1110 what
you think then." The scornful farmer
promised, and returned at the end of the
week with the humble confession that
Mr. Gibson was right.
AT tho next assizes in London the trial
of a new kind of thieves promisos to be
interesting. Their method wus to visit
unoccupied houses in tho outskirts of the
city in tho day time. They drove up in
elegant carriages, and when they found
nobody at home tho house was marked.
In the night they came in a wagon,broke
into the house,and curted oft' their booty.
Whon it turned out that they wore mis
taken,and that parties were in the house,
they simply offered to sell photographs
and albums. One of the members rode
a bicycle, and took his notes of tho
houses that wero good for robbing. Mr.
and Mrs. Clarke were tho leaders of tho
gang. They lived in one of the suburbs,
were highly respected by uli their neigh
bors, and were extensively invited to tea
purties, dinners, &c.
ONE of tho queerest superstitions that
evor ontored tho human head is that of
finding the body of a drowned man by
means of his shirt. Last spring a man
was drowned in the river in front of tho
East St. Louis levee. Search was made
with boats for tho body, but without suc
cess. Somo ono rccallod tho superstition,
and tho searchers took the shirt tho man
had laid aside when ho entered tho water,
and lot it float away. It floated for a
while, and then sank, and they searched
for the body whoro tho shirt went down,
and, suro enough, found it not far away.
Ono case of this kind of course does not
make a rule, but tho man who bossed the
job in this instance said ho had seen it
tried a dozen of times and it never failed.
THERE is a most remarkable swapping
horso jockey in Bolfast, Me., named
'Lijo Walter, says a local paper. Just
to give his boy an idea how to got along
in tho world "Lijo" sturted away from
homo one day 011 foot nothing in his
pocket but a jackknife. Ho was absent
just ono week, and returned driving a
nairof horses harnessed into a top-buggy.
Hitched to tho roar axle was another
horse and a cow, while ahead was a dog.
"See how your pap does it?" said "Lijo"
to his son, as ho gazed at the time of day
from a handsome watch, For a fact, ho
had got the whole turnout for his jack
knife and swapping tho proceeds into
ono thing and another.
MARIANA, Flu., IS talking about A
wonderful man in their midst. His
name is Ebenezer Long, and ho was
born black, sixty yours ago. "lie is now
perfectly fair, except u tew dark spots
that may bo discovered by looking ut
him closely. His children are us dark us
he was in his youth, while his now seems
to bo one of the whitest of white
skins. When ho was about twenty-eight
years old the change begun to appeur ut
one place on his arm, and thence spread
over the body. Ebenezer is quite healthy
and looks ten years younger than he is."
But Georgia enters a claim on him on the
ground that it is his birthplace.
MR. J. K. DIXRON records in the Vic-'
torin Naturalist a curious fact which
came under his own observation. During
a rumble along the Kooyong Creek, Oak
leigh, ho was somewhat surprised to see
a specimen of the ring-tailed opossum
hanging, as he thought, by her claws, to
a sharp-pointed limb of a gum-tree,
about twenty feet from the ground.
Upon cloßor observation ho found that
the creature was dead, and that death
was duo to the fact that in her flight she
had become impaled. In tho pouch were
two young ones almost old enough to
leave her.
E. A. BOVER, of Michigan City, Ind.,
is tho owner of a Jersey cow, which
recently gave birth to five calves, two
males and three females. They all ap
pear healthy and strong and are doing
nicely. Considering the number they
are quite largo. Tho cow is of ordinary
size and this is the third time sho has
become a mother. She is very fond of
her family of calves and is as watchful
of each one as an old hen is of a brood
of small chickens. Mr. Boyer has al
ready received a numbor of flattering
offers to exhibit his animal freaks in
Chicago musoums.
AquKKit submarine) bout, for which the
inventor claims so mo wonderful things,
jet to ho attempted, has been launched
at the Dotroit Boat Works. It is the
invention of George C. Baker, of Chic
ago, The propellers are reversible and
placed amidships. They aro intended to
regulute the immersion of the boat and
propel it. The craft is 40 feet in length,
6 foot in width, and 14 feet in depth. It
is elliptical in shape, and it draws 8 feet
of water. A cover of prepared canvas
is stretch over the frames, and that is
covered with one-inch plank. The boat,
will withstund a pressure of 86 feet of
water. Air is stowed at a pressure of
15 pounds, and sufficient can be stored
to last three men for several hours while
submerged. An observing tower two
feet in height is on top of thetboat. '
FRENCH IX AMKRICA. M. ltamonu do
Saint-Pe re author of "Acadiens et Cana
dians," in an article in the Revue Fran
caise on the "French in America," says,
"If we sum up, under all reserve, the
general statements of the French in
America Canadians, Aeadians and
Louisianans—wo think they number
2,400,000 souls, us follows: Province of
Quebec, 1,200,000; other provinces of
the Dominion, 250,000; Northeastern
United States, 400,000; Wostorn States,
350,000; othors, including Louisiana,
200,000."
A FOOLISH fox was caught in a very
odd way iu Glastonbury ,Conn., recently.
Ho had a very long und bushy tail, and,
maybe, was extremely vain of it, for he
swished it from side to sido instead of
trailing it along the ground. A pack of
hounds chusod him, and to elude them ho
tried to bolt through a barbed wire fence;
but somehow that tail curled itself about
a barb and the fox was as last as if
jaws of a steel trap him. An hour
tho hunters despatched him.
FRANK BIRCH, a farmer of Decatur
County, Ind., has presented a petition to
the County Commissioners to have the
stone monument, erected in that county |
lust spring to mark the center of popula- j
tion of the United States, moved two j
and a half foot toward his house. A few i
days ago his wife presented him with a (
bouncing set of triplets, two boys and a
girl, and lie claims that by careful calcu
lations ho has demonstrated that their
advent has changed the eontor of popu
lation to that extent.
AN electric light wire touched the vest
of the janitor of tho Chelsea Flats, in
New York City, while ho wus leaning
over to adjust it, and a strange experi
ence resulted. The wiro burnt a hole in
his vest, caino in contact with his watch,
gave liiin a slight shock, burnt soveral
small holes in the case, causing the glob-
ules of gold to drop in the case, and
somo 011 the Hoor, and so magnotizod the
works of tho watch that they aro worth
less.
SOMETIMES in his sloop a man in Dun
doe, N. Y.,g ets out of bod and wanders
away from heme, lie has struck upon
tho ingenious oxpedient of having along
side his bod an easy-moving treadmill.
Now, when somnambulism forces him to
oxerciso his limbs, ho can walk himself
tired on the treadmill without risking his
precious neck in perilous places.
IN Juno last a tree 011 the farm of
Mortimor Hamilton, in Jackson County,
Ind., was blown down and pressed into
tho oarth a largo snapping turtle. Some
days ago tho limb which imprisoned the
turtlo was removed and tho animal
crawled, apparently unhurt. During all
that time it had existed without food or
water.
THE ROV. Mr. Whittakor of Machias,
Me., while out for deer, got lost, and
wandered in tho woods for two days with
out food or shelter. Just before ho was
found he saw two herds, numbering fifty
four deer, which had been frightenod to
the river by tho shouting and firing of
tho roscuing party. His ammunition was
cxhauKtod, and he hud to be satisfied with
gazing at the remarkable sight.
CHINESE ingenuity seems equal to ev
ory emergency. A man-of-war attaokod
a Chinese junk engaged in illegal traflic,
and was eager to yupturo the crew alive.
Tho sailors 011 the junk throw overboard
thousands of cocoanuts, and then leaped
among them. Tho man-of-war's men
could not distinguish heads from cocoa
nuts, und nearly ull of the Chinamen es
caped.
Spruce Gum Gone From Vermont.
It it said that genuine spruco gum has
almost entirely disappeared from Vor
inont, which used to produce it in groat
quantities. This is owing to tho groat
increase of saw and pulp mills,and partly
to forest mills.
But tho gum-picker is still a pictur
esque fi/juro in tho Green Mountain
State. The most famous 0110 is Alonzo
lv. Bishop, of Woodford. In winter,
carrying a bag slung over his shoulder,
Bishop roams all over tho Green
Mountains examining spruco trees. With
a long polo ending with a sharp chisel,
ho detaches tho gum. His journoys often
tnko him many miles from human habi
tations. When the hills aro snow-covered,
Bishop still pursues his industry,travers
ing the country on snow-shoes. He sells
the gum for fifty cents to #1.50 a pound,
according to quality. The purest gum
is transparent or of a light amber color
tilled with minute bubbles of air.
Vcrmonters who have mado new homes
for theinsolves in the West consume a
great doal of tho pure article, which is
sent to them by friends through the
mails. ThoOhiound Michigan branches
of the Olin family, who rccontly held
their annual rounion in Benningtown,
bought up all tho spruco gum in town. —
[Boston Cultivator.
Why l)o We Worry?
Any one who is eager to make a family
record for old ago must learn to stop
worrying. 110 should lot nothing prey
on his mind. When troubles loom up
ahead and whilo tho shadows grow larger
and creop nearer he can lose five yoars
from tho latter end of his life just by
fretting about the impending calamity.
Now, the way he should do is to size
up tfro trouble carefully and accurately.
Surely, we have all noticed how such
things, if ono looks hard at them and un
flinchingly, roally grow smaller as they
come nearer.
So, having got somo idea of tho true
extent and nature of the impending
trouble, and having exhausted all his in
genuity in trying to find away around
it, then if it must be mot, lot him face it
and meet it, boldly and calmly, with a
full realization of its probable severity
—let him stand up like a man with a cool
head and stiffened muscles, whon behold!
tho frowning thing will dissolve like
vapor or ho will ride it as the boat rides
tho wave
But to worry! that makes tho trouble a
real ono and leaves us weaker for every
shock that follows.—[The Argosy.