Freeland tribune., November 12, 1891, Image 2

MORNING-GLORIES.
O dainty daughters of tlio dawn—most deli
cate of flowers!
Ilow fitly do ye come to deck day's most
delicious hours.
Evoked by morning's earliest breath, your
fragile cups unfold
Before the light lias cleft the sky, or edged
the world with gold.
Before the luxurious butterflies and moths
nro yet astir,
Before the careless breeze has snapped th
leaf-hung gossamer—
While sphered dewdrops, yet unquaffed by
thirsty insect-thieves,
Broider with rows of diamonds the edges of
the leaves.
Ye drink from day's o'erflowing brim, nor
ever dream of noon ;
With bashful nod ye greet the sun, whose
flattery scorches soon,
Your trumpets trembling to the touch of
humming bird and bee,
In tender trepidation sweet, and fair
timidity.
No flower in all the garden hath so wide a
choice of hue;
The deepest purple dyes are yours—the ten- • j
derest tints of blue; (
While some are colorless as light—some (
flushed incarnadine, j
And some are clouded crimson, like a goblet
stained with wine. <
Ye hold not in your calm cool hearts the pas
sion of the rose,
Ye do not own the haughty pride the rega'
Illy knows; J
But ah! what blossom has the charm, the
purity of this,
Which shrinks before the tenderestlove, and
dies beneath a kiss?
In this wide garden of the world, where he is ?
wise who knows 8
The bramble from the sweet-brier, the nettle
from the rose,
Borne lives there are which seem like these, *
as sensitive and fair,
As far from thought of sin or shame, as free *
from stain of care.
We find sometimes these splendid souls, ]
when all our world is young, i
Whero life is crisp with freshness, with un- i
shaken dew-drops hung.
They blossom in the cool dim hours, ere sun
shine dries the air, 0
But cense and vanish long before the noon- 8
day's heat and glare.
u
And if in manhood's dusty time, fatigued
with toil and glow, n
We crave the fresh, young morning heart i
which charmed us long ago, 1
We seek in vain the olden ways, the shadows
moist and fair— t
The heart-shaped leaves may linger, but the i
blossoms are not there.
—[Elizabeth Akers Allen.
i
c
Relations by Marriage, i
BV AMY RANDOLPH. 1
t
Everybody went to Pamela Popper's ■
wedding. It was quite natural that they
should. Miss Pepper was as well known i
in Cornstalk Corners as the old town
clock itself on the steeple of the Metho- j
dist meeting-house. She had made
dresses and trimmed bonnets there for 1
more years than she cared to remember. |
She was gossip-in-gcnerul, prime mover I
in all the tea-parties, quilting-bces and {
apple-butter frolics, head of the charit- 1
able and religious societies and chief >
chronicler of all the dates in rogard to \
births, deaths and marriages. She knew
what everybody said to everybody else, i
what Mrs. Meluth gave for her new seal
skin cloak and in how many weeks Mr.
Luckless's farm would bo foreclosed on.
She was quite (lit fait as to every house
hold quarrel, all the family skeletons and
a score of motives for each action, which j
no one else would have dreamed of. No |
story was quite complete unless Miss
Pamela Pepper's version of it had boon |
heard. And if people didn't know their i
own speeches after they had been
through the med'iumship of Miss Pamela's
interpretation, surely that was no fault
of hers.
liut the blossoming-time comes, we are
told, oven to aloes a hundred years old—
ami Miss Pamela Pepper was married just
boforo she floated into the forties. Ilow
it had comn to pass, nobody knew ex
actly. There wore some who had the
hardihood to assert that Mr. Josiahßlack
hud conic to the dressmaking establish
ment to see Mary More, the blue-eyed ,
littlo apprentice who made the buttonholes
and sewed the straight seams, but that
being skillfully intercepted by Miss
Pamela, she had taken his overtures as (
intended for herself and accepted him j
effusively, before he had proposed; and !
that Josiah, being a meek young man
with white eyelashes and a flat, freckled
face, had not the requisito courage to
escape from the meshes wherewith she '
had so artfully trapped him.
Be that as it might, it was certain that 1
M ary More had been discharged and that
Miss Pepper was now Mrs. Josiah Black.
There had been an outfit ordered, eco- j
nomicully, from New York, a wedding
cake nearly as big as a cart-wheel, and a
deal of ostentation. The bride declared
that it was a oaso of love at first sight.
"Itain't a month," she remarked,gush
ingly, "since mo and Josiah first set eyes
on each other, when ho came into the
store to ask the way to Squire Robinson's.
Ho looked at me—oh, how he looked at
me! And I felt a sort of all overishness
that I couldn't describe noway in the
world! lie didn't think of money nor yet
of lineage, nor none o' them things; he
only folt as we was made for each other
by Providence!"
In which case, Squire Robinson re
marked, sub rasa, Providence had made
a bad mistake of it for once. For Mrs.
Josiah Bluek was tall and shallow, with
the frame of a Prussian grenadier, while
Mr. Josiah Black was slight and round
shouldered, with flaxen locks and watery,
blue eyes. Mrs. Squire Robinson said
there was fifteen years' difference in
their ago. But the bride said it was
only five. And who should know if the
bride didn't?
But when the couple ware seated in i
the train, speeding toward Blue Point,
where the ancestral halls of the Bluek!
family were situated, Pamela grow con- 1
fidential.
"We're ago in right to your house, i
Josiah, I suppose?" said she.
"Yes," said Josiah, with a deep sigh.
"Whero else should we go?"
"Some folks board, ' suggested the
bride. 44 Just at first, at least."
"I hain't no money for that sort of
fanev-work," dolefully remarked the
gro m.
Is it pleasant there, dear?" asked the
bride.
"Well, it ain't bad," responded Josiah,
in a non-committal way.
"You never told me about your family,
Josiah," wont on Mrs. Black, soothingly.
"Fam'ly?" repeated Josiah, with a
startled look. "I hain't got no fam'ly.
I ain't never been a married man before."
"I mean your relatione* Josiah*
"There's my step-mother," said Josiah.
"And there's my two sisters and my
brother and Uncle Lijah and Aunt Nanny
n ud Heber and Stratton and--"
•Oh, stop, stop!" ejaculated the hridA.
'They don't all live with you?"
"No," Josiah answered. "Not all."
"Dear mo, Josiah," said Mrs. Black,
"how dead and alive you seem. Nobody
would realize that you had been only
throe hours married."
44 1 don't seem to realize it myself,"
said Mr. Black, leaning his head against
the car window, with a thoroughly dis-.
couraged air.
44 But if you s'pose Pin going to turn
iny house into a refuge for all your ro-J
lations," added Mrs. Josiah, with energy, |
4 "you are very —dear me! Blue Point,
a'ready? This can't be the place, can
it? Why. we hain't —" j
Just then the relentless conductor,
swooping through the train, bore Mr. and .
Mrs. Josiah Black off to tho platform,
the latter still remonstrating loudly. J
Mr. Bluek was silont and moody as |
they walked up the steep hill leading to j f "
j the village street. Mrs. Black was se- j
crotly resolving that, husband or no hus
band, she would not be captured by the
Goth and Visigoth horde of relations who J
doubtless were waiting to pounce on her
hearth.
"I must assert myself," she thought.
44 at the very first, or 1 shall bo overrun!"
"Here is the house," somberly ro- £
marked Josiah.
A long, low, red building faced them
at the top of a hill, with a fence draped 1
with morning-glory vines, trailing hops
and wild vetches, and two or three gnarled
quince trees leaning up agaiust tho
south end.
44 There's lights inside," said the late
Miss Pamela. ,4 And a fire! There's
somebody there! " ,
44 My folks," briefly remarked Josiah.
44 Your folks !" repeated Pamela; and
there was a world of unsyllablod meaning 1
in her voice. Walking valiantly forward, 1
sho flung open tho door, and stood facing
tho little group which was gathered amic- *
ably around the bluzing fire. And Josiah •
Black, following, pushed her, in rather j
un undignified manner, into their midst, .
with tho introductory speech:
"My wife. Hero she is ! "
"How d' ye do, Mrs. Josiah ? " said an 0
elderly woman. 44 I'm your husband's
Btep-ma."
44 And I'm his sister," said a blonde
matron with lilac ribbons in her cap.
" And I'm bis other sister," spoke up '
a short, sharp, little female with a bluek- j
und-tun-terrier sort of face and a rust- i
ling black silk dress.
"Brother Simeon," announced Josiah, j
as a stout man with a profusely pomat- j
umed head rose and ducked it toward
her. 14 And Uncle 'Lijah and Aunt
Nancy," motioning toward a solid-look
ing couple in the background; "and my
cousins, Heber and Stratton," us two
tall, awkward young men emerged from
behind a calico-covered screen in the
roar.
44 1 hope you ull|find yourselves pretty
woll?" said Mrs. Josiah Black, with tho
geniality of an arctic iceberg. 44 But I
sha n't find it convenient to entcrtuin
you here."
The herd of relations stared, and Mr.
Josiah's step-ma bridled, and said:
| 44 We wasn't a-calculating to stay to
| tea."
I "Tea or dinner, it makes no differ-
I onco," said the bride. ".If we're to get
| along comfortablo together, all these
J things has got to he understood at once, i
I I ain't goin' to keep freo hotel for my j
j husband's relations, and I don't want it i
to be expected of me."
I There was an indignant buzz among ;
] the relations at this remarkable piece of i
i plain speaking—they all rose up iu con
cert.
44 We11," said thoy, addressing Josiah's
| 4< step-ma," as if she wore the representa
tive of tho mass, "if Josiah's wife don't
want nothin' to do with us, wo certainly
j don't mean to trouble her."
I "Don't bo in a hurry," faintly uttered
Josiah; but none of the relations took tho
! least notice of him, us they seizod upon
j their hats, bonnets, shawls and other ar
! tides of outer wrapping with precipitate
I haste.
44 Of course," added Mrs. Josiah, a
little alarmed at the result of her own !
generalship. "1 shall always bo happy
to have you call in a friendly way."
Josiah's step-ma, who had taken a
package fro in the table, stonily remarked
as she held it up:
"My ice-pitchor—best triple plate and !
porcelain-lined—as I had intended for a j
wedding present. But if folks don't
want me, they don't want my presents,
so I'll wish you good-bye, Mrs. Black."
( hie of the sisters took up a crcam-jug J
|of chased silver the other put a plated
caster back into its box, and off thoy
I inarched.
j "Our simple offerings," said they, "are
I hardly elegant enough for one so ex- 1
cloosivo in her tastes as our brother's
' wife."
Simeon Black swung a heavy wicker- I
basket across his shoulders.
I 44 A tea-sot of real Ingy china that bo
longed to a Chinese sea-captain,"' said
he, "and I g t at a bargain —but 1 guess
, it ain't wanted," and lie, too, departed, j
banging the door.
One by one the others took a hastv 1
leave, each carrying some littlo offering
of more or less value which had boen
brought thither for the delectation of
"Josiah's wife." while that lady herself
stood gazing after them in blank dismay,
with an agonized consciousness that she
had committed an awful political blun
der in this, the first term of her married
life.
"There!" said Josiah, grimly, "now
you've done it, Pamela. Every one of
'ein well-to-do and livin' in their own
places. And, as sure as you live, they'll
never forgive you in this mortal world!"
"I—l thought they was comin' here to j
live!" gasped the brido. 44 1 only wanted I
to protect myself."
"Well, you've done it now," said Mr.
Black. "There is such a thing as bein'
too boforehandod."
And he sat slowly down, too spiritless
even to upbraid his wife. While Pamela
felt that her wedding day had not been
altogether a success.
For the Blacks were u clannish tribe,
and it was even as tho bridegroom had
predicted. They never forgave Josiah's
wife for that tirst, reception.—[The
Loilgur.
The National Beverage.
The United States ranks high among
the eotVee-drinking nations, being sur
• passed by Belgium and Holland alone.
The average consumption of coffee per
inhabitant in this country last year was
eight and u quarter pounds, while that of
tea was but one and two-tenths pounds,
j Coffee is the national beverage of the
United States.
, During the last ton years the annual
consumption of coffee per head lias in
, creased two or three ounces. This is due
in part to the fact that tho peoplo are
L hotter off and can afford to spend more in
luxuries. But tfie average quantity of ■
tea drunk has not increased in Inst de
cade. So it is evident that tho United
States is becoming more and more ad
dicted to the Arabian or Brazilian berry. J
In 1820 the consumption per head was
about seven ounces of tea and nineteen
ounces of coffee. len years later it was j
about nine ounces of tea and forty-four
of coffee. In 1840 it was nearly fifteen
ounces of tea and five pounds of coffee.
Sixty vears ago the value of tea imported
was about half to a third of tlmt of the
coffee. It is now about a sixth. The
I tea has boen losing ground, comparatively
speaking, all the time.—[Chicago Tri
bune. __________________
TESTING A TERROR.
t
lie Found out that lie had Mistaken j
llis Occupation.
When we opened the old 4 4 Four X"mino
in Nevada, says M. Quad in the New York
World, it was no time at all before a live- n
ly town was founded and hundreds of u
people came pouring in. Iu those days a
every community had its terror. He was <]
supposed to be able to out-drink, out-yell,
out-shoot, and out-tight everything on o
legs in his jurisdiction. Some times he
was a free-lance, and ngain ho was em- a
ployed as a sort of policeman. We
wanted n man to protect company prop- i
erty, and one day a giant of a chap,
weighing 205 pounds und G feet tall,
applied for the place.
4 'Are you a fighter?" was the question £
asked of him.
44 1 am," he replied. 44 I've had seventy
nine fights in seven weeks."
44 Afraid of anything mortal ?"
44 Nothing mortal or immortal."
44 Shoot both handed?"
4 4 I do." t
44 Use the bowie knife?"
44 Perfectly at home with it, sir.''
44 How many men have you killed this t
lust year?"
44 Well, this has boen an off year with
me, us I was sick abed for six weeks,
and so I haven't got but 'levcn."
44 Suppose, now that a terror from some
other cump should come over hero to clean
you out? Have you ever met any other
terror and downed him—a genuine, first
class terror from tho headwaters of Fight
ing Creek ?" 1
44 1 can't say that I over have, sir—not
a regular terror."
44 Then you can't tell how you would
act?"
44 Why, I should probably fight him."
44 But you can't say for sure. How
ever, come back at 4 o'clock this after
noon."
Wo sent over to Cedar Flats, five miles
away, for their terror. Wo knew him to
be the genuine stuff', and when he arrived
we posted him as to what was wanted.
At 4 o'clock, when our alleged terror re
turned to the shaft, the Cedar Flats terror
suddenly waltzed out on him with u hair
raising whoop and called out:
44 \\ liar's the bloody, bloomin hyena
who has been passin' hisself oft' around
hero us a fighter? Whoop! Wang!
Ugh ! Somebody pint him out to me and
then tie my hands und legs while 1 bite
his ours off!"
Our alleged terror turned pale and
looked nervous, and the Cedar I lats man
pranced around, cracking his heels to
gether und crowed.
4 4 Cock-a-doodle-doo 1 Whoop 1 Pint
him out. Let him stand before mo!
Whoop ! Tie me all up in knots, head
mo up in that bar'l, and then I'll lick
him or go over the cliff ! Great snakes !
but won't somebody show mo the follow
j who—!"
I I pointed to our terror, and tho Cedar
! Flats man uttered a scream and rushed
I for liiin. The cluip who had only killed
j 'lovon men just fell right down in a heap,
I and it was five minutes before wo could
bring him to. Ho was whiter than flower
and us limpsy as a rag, and it was all of
half an hour before he could wnlk away.
44 How do you account for it?" I asked
as ho was reudy to go.
44 1 must have gone into the wrong
business," ho gloomily replied.
44 How do you mean?"
44 1 ought to have been a preacher !"
Barnum's White Elephant.
44 You probably have not heard how
; Barnum secured tho indorsement of tho
i New York press on his alleged white ele
phant," said Bert Davis, to a Mexico,
(Mo.) Intelligence man. 44 Upon tho day
of tho white elephant's arrival iu Now
York Barnum entertained all tho press
gang at dinner and after that he was to
j conduct them down to tho wharf to seo
the elephant—a scheme to obtain a littlo
I froo advertising. In the meantime some
of the hoys had visited tho wharf and saw
j the elephant was not white, but rather of
! a mouse color, and they had agreed
j among themselves to give Mr. Barnum a
genuine 4 roast.' A few minutes before
i the start Mr. Barnum had a story to tell
tho boys in order to put them in a good
| humor. Ho said that there was onco a
big social gathering given in honor of n
| great beauty. When the beauty arrived
; with tho usual flourish of trumpets all
i eyes wore turned upon her and the gen
eral remarks were, 4 Isn't sho lovely ? "
and ' How beautifully she is painted !'
It is true, she was painted, not by hand,
however, but by God. 4 Now, gcntle
| men,' said Mr. Barnum, 4 tho color of
this animal 1 am about to show you is
just as God painted it. Had tho work
been left to mo, I assure you ho would
have been perfectly white.' The young
men appreciated the littlo story, which
resulted in the entire press of tho city
ndorsing tho groat hum bugger's white
lephant."
An Extraordinary Boat.
One of the most extraordinary boats
on tho great lakes is not a whaleback,
but is a passenger car transfer operated
in the Straits of Mackinac by tho Dulutii,
South Shore & Atlantic Railroad. It has
an enormous capacity for carrying cars,
but its peculiarities are its strength, its
shape and the number of its steam en
gines. It carries twenty four steam en
gines for the performance of the various
requirements of the business it is in.
The hull of the boat is as solid as the
wulls of an old-time blockhouse. Tho
bow rises up and away from the water so
as to hang or slant over it as if it were a
hammer, and that is what it was built to
1 ho. This is because tho boat is an ice
breaker, intended to keep a channel
open in tho straits all winter, or to mako
one whenever she is pushed into tho
massive ice that forms in that cold re
gion. The big boat advances toward tho
ice, und shoving her nose upon its edge,
; lifts herself upon it. Then a screw pro
peller under the overhanging bow per
; form., the work of sucking tho water
froin under the ice to enable the bout's
weight to crush it down the more easily,
i Thus tho destructive monster makes her
way steadily through tho worst ice of
the semi-polar winters of that region,
climbing up on the ice, crushing itdown,
scattering it on either side, and making
ho more of it than if it were so much
i (slush. —[Boston Transcript.
THE JOKER'S BUDGET. |
* in
JUSTS AM) YARNS BY FUNNY MKN
OF THK PRESS.
i ui
Does Advertising Pay—Cereals and
Serials- The Old Story—A Bad Fit m
—Oake and Broad Language, Etc., !
j th
, i to
DOES ADVERTISING |A\T | Cl |
Ist Jeweler—l have had proven to mo
that advertising brings results.
2nd Jeweler —What was the case?
Ist Jeweler—Wednesday evening I in
advertised for a watchman, and during '
the night my store was burglarized.— | Sj
Jeweler's Circular. j th
it
CEREAI.S AND SERIALS.
Little Helen had always heard the oat
meal and rolled-wheat which were put |
upon the table for breakfast spoken of ! th
as cereals. So in her busy little brain aj he
queer mistake once arose.
One day she heard her elders talking tr
over the latest magazine story.
"It's a very goodserial," said papa, "a
very good serial, indeed."
"Then, papa," suid Helen, npprov- n<
ingly, "I should think you would like it. si
You're so fond of 'em for breakfast!" pi
THE OLD STORY. |4 J
She asked as they purted at tho door,
And he pressed a kiss on her beautiful ol
brow: di
"Dear George, have you ever loved be
before?" h
And ho answered, "Never—as I do
now."
"And you," lie said, as her lashes fell j (
And almost curtained her eyes' deep
blue, a
"Have you ever loved before? Pray
toll—"
And she answered, "Never—as I love
you."—[New York Press.
A RAD FIT.
Bingo—How is tho new girl getting on? Cl
.Mrs. Bingo —She's gone.
Bingo —Gone! Why, what's the
matter?
Mrs. Bingo—My dresses didn't fit her. 111
—[Cloak lleview.
CAKE AND 11ROAD LANGUAGE.
Little Dot—Oh, 1 just love cake. It's
awful nice.
Mamma (reprovingly)— You should not
say you 'love' cake; say 'like.' Do not
say 'awful;' say 'very.' Do not say
'nice;' say 'good.' And, by tho way,
tho word 'just' should bo omitted, also
tho 'oh.' Now, my dear, repeat the sen
tence correctly. p
Little Dot—l like cake; it's very H
good. _ I
Mamma —That's better. u
Little Dot (with an air of disgust)—
Sounds as if 1 was tulkin' 'bout bread.— {
[Good Nows.
POINT FOR WHEELMEN.
Wheelman—l believe I'll give up '
bicycling. lam as careful as can be,
but every now and then some uccident
happens. This is tho second time I've j
been arrested und fined for running into ,
people.
Businessman —I'll tell you how to
manugc. Just you get u job as bill
collector. Everybody 'll dodge you <
then.—[Now York Weekly. j 1
FIRST STEP IN LOVE.
Cora—Did you ever visit a fortune- I (
teller? I .
Merritt—Yes, my dear. I went to (
Bradstreet's to find out about your fath
er's fortune. —[Epoch.
WITH MODERN IMPROVEMENTS.
Author—l bolieve in bringing my fic
tion up to date.
Publisher—Yes?
Author—Now in my Texas story I
have for my hero a Government rain
maker. Ho has things arranged so that
when ho and his girl elope, ho brings
down such a heavy rain on her father's
ranch that every stream instantly rises so
high that tho old man can't follow
them.—[Epoch. 1
AUTHORITIES ON AGES.
Professor Greatmind —Yes, sir, this f
earth is 100,000,000 years old, not a day |
less. j
Visitor—Wonderful! wonderful! t
Little girl (entering)—Oh, papa, see |
my new doll. >
Visitor—Your child, I presume, pro- ]
fessor. How old Is she? t
Prof. Greatmind—Um —or—my dear, f
go ask your mother how old you are. *
TIT FOR TAT. 1
Snivoly—lf I were to call you a liar, ! }
I should speak but the exact truth.
Snodgrass—But you always were j
afraid to tell the truth. t
ONCE ENOUGH.
Conductor (after a collision in which I<
everybody got bounced half way across v
the car, but no one was hurt) —Gentle- ! f
men, I find that no great harm has been : j
done. We ran into the rear end of a!,
freight train; ami if some of you will
come out and help clear tho track, we ' „
can proceed on our journoy. j .
Fat Passenger—Conductor, are there? \
any more freight trains on ahead? j ,
"On, 1 suppose so." |
"Well, let's stay where we arc. "--[Good f
News. t
ETERNAL VIGILANCE. j f
"Barclay," said the wife of the sick £
man, "here is tho Kev. Mr. Goodman, L
who has come to talk to you." I c
"Did ho bring unybody to identify v
him?" inquired the bank cashier, feebly. 11
—[Chicago Tribune. j >
A HEIGHT RETORT. '
It is said of a certain literary woman
that sho is neveruta loss for a reply, und
never misses an opportunity to say a j
bright thing. J I
One day a friend was describing to her n
a noted artist, about whom her curiosity t
hud been greatly aroused, but whom she 1
had never seen.
"To begin with," remarked tho friend, ' 1
"ho has a perfect Niagara of a fore- *
hoad!" v
"What?" said tho other. "Do you f
mean to tell ine the poor man lias a cat- *
uruot over both eyes?"—[Youth's Com- 1
panion. f
DOMESTIC HEALTH HINT. c
Mr. Oldchappo —Ho, ho! And so you
are married und are keeping house and
have no girl. Well, I sympathize with
you.
Mr. Youngchuppe—l don't need sym
pathy. i
"Tell that to tho bachelors. I'm a j
married man. Your dear littlo wifey is 1
just out of boarding-school, isn't she?" j i
"Yes." It
"Ha, ha! I thought so. And you are 1
already suffering the agonies of dyspep- <
siu, urenl you?"
"Never was better in my life." 11
"Eh? What's that? And with a 1
young rife doing the cooking?" t
"She doesn't. She makes mo do it."— 1
[New York Weekly. 1
KNOWLEDGE is roWKn.
Doctor —You notice a marked incroass
in your appetite?
I'atient —Yes.
Doctor —■ Sloop longer and more
jeavily than usual?
Patient—Yes.
Doctor—Feel very fatigued after
aiuch exercise?
Patient—Yes.
Doctor—H'm! Very grave case. But
he researches of science, sir, enable uh
;o cope with your malady, and I think I
•un pull you through.-—[Harper's Bazar.
TIRED OF IT.
Maimna (raising tho slipper)—AN illie,
ny son
Willi© (across the maternal knee) — i
Spank away, mamma, but dou't give me
hat old gag about its hurt in'you worse u (
t hurts me. —[Chicago Tribune.
SHUTTING IIIM UP.
Spectator (in tho dimo museum) —Call
:hat a knowing dog? I've got a dog at (
lome knows more than him.
Dog Exhibitor —Then he is better
rained than you arc, my friend.
GOT INTO THE WRONG SHOP.
When a woman is hungry, but does
aot know just what she would like to eat,
die always asks for a cup of tea aud a
piece of lemon pie. This is true not
withstanding the humorists tell of the
•best girl's" enormous appetite.
With young men it is different. One
[>f them entered a Boston storo the other
ilay und asked for a plate of soup.
"Soup?" inquired u young woman be
hind a counter.
"Yes. Isn't this a restaurant?"
"Why, no, indeed!" indignantly.
"I saw 'cream' advortised in the win
dow, didn't I ?"
"Yes, but that's for the hair. This is
a hair store."
And the young man fled disconsolate.
—[Boston Globe.
THE PENALTY OF CULTURE.
Illiterate Vendor —Appricots! Appri
cots! Three for 10 cents!
Miss Minorva Absolute, from Boston—
Oh, most wretched man! 1 wanted some
apricots so much; hut your atrocious
mispronunciation has made it quite im
possible for me to relish them.—[Boston
Courier.
A MODEST GIRL.
She is a truly modest miss,
Although a charming little elf—
So modest sho won't give a kiss;
ller lover has to help himself.
—[New York Press.
A CASE IN POINT.
" Slittkespero says, ' Some men are
bom great, some achieve greatness and
some have greatness thrust upon them.'
Do you think a caso ever happens where
a man has groatness thrust upon him ? "
" Certainly. Take a great grandfather
for instance."—[New York Press.
AFTER HER RETURN.
He—And you did not forget that we
were engaged, did you, Maud, while you
wore away?
She—No, George; I couldn't. Mamma
kept reminding uie of it all the time.—
[ Bazar.
KNEW HIS BUSINESS.
Mr. Laman—NVhy do you always
(piestion patients so closely about what
j they cut? Does tho information you get
| help you to diugnoso their cuses ?
Doctor Einde —Oh, no ! But by so
! doing I am enabled to guess what their
J station in life is, and how much fees I
I can probably get out of them.—[Puck.
EASILY OVERCOME.
' Mamma—There is something about
Mr. Do Kiche's manner of walking that I
greatly dislike.
j Grace—That may bo, but you should
' remember, dear, that ho cau always
ufford to ride.
Chestnut Cultivation.
Tho supply of chestnuts never equals
the demand in this country, and many dis
tricts in which the trees uroubunduut de
rive a very respectable income from tho
sale of tho nuts. This industry might
ho made far moro productive and profit
able than it now is by some little effort
toward cultivation. The chestnut cannot
bo grown successfully on heavy clays,
wet soils or limestono land. It prefers
loose, sandy soils, or such as has been
derived from the decomposition of slates
and shales. It is grown readily from the
seed, but the greatest care must be taken
not to let the nuts become dry. They
should be planted as soon as gathered or
kept in moist saud until ready to plant.
The nut should he planted whore the tree
is to stand, as the long tap root makes
transplanting diflicult. The European
chestnut is not only much larger and
finer than the American, but has pro
duced, under cultivation, a number of
varieties, soino of which are highly es
teemed for the superior quality of their
fruit. ' The trees do not grow so large
as tho American, but come into bearing
more quickly; the latter does not gener
ally fruit until ten or twelve yeurs old.
A Japanese variety has been lately in
troduced into the states, which, though
not very hardy, is quito dwarf in habit,
and, while beginning to fruit at four or
five years, produces nuts larger oven
than the European. These two charac
ters —small size and early fruitfulness —
give them special value, and if they can
bo worked upon stocks of the Ameri
can species trees can bo secured which
will bear earlier and produce larger
nuts than our native species.—[Chicago
News.
Mystery of a Lost Diamond.
"Nearly two years ago," says the San
Francisco Bulletin, "quite a stir was
made at Mills College, California, about
the loss of a valuable diamond pin be
longing to Miss Maud Sparks of San
Reno. Servants and pupils wore sus
pected und much notoriety was given
to the case in the papers. Miss Sparks
was removed from tho school in conse
quence) of the supposed theft. Latoly,
when one of her old gowns was being
ripped, the pin was found in the drapery
of the garment, where it had been sufely
concealed ull the time."
An Ancient Arab University.
The old Arab university of El Azhar,
which was founded in the tenth century,
and lias constantly opposed an inflexible
, front to tho advance of European ideas,
jis to-day tho most important Mohamme
: dan college in the world. Although it
j has no longer the 20,000 students who
crowded its courts in tho thirteenth and
I fourteenth centuries, there is still an at-
I tendance of from seven to ten—some say
twelve —thousand, and its pupil* are sent
j out to every Mohammedan country from
' tho Soudan to India.—[Atlanta Consti
tution.
you ARE INVITED
To call and inspect our im.
mense stock of
DRY GOODS, '
Groceries, Provisions,
FURNITURE, Etc.
Our store is full of the new- |
est assortment. The prices are
the lowest. All are invited to <
see our goods and all will be
pleased.
J. P. McDonald,
S. W. Corner Centre and South Sta., Freeland.
FERRY & CHRISTY,
dealers in
Stationary, School Books, (
Periodicals, Song Rooks, Musical
Instruments,
CIGAES and TOBACCO,
a-coms
Window Fixtures and Shades, Mirrors,
Pictures and Frames made to order.
Pictures enlarged and Framed.
Crayon Work a Specialty.
UTrfITPTI A TlPfl 175 th Edition Now Ready
PWNRFTRR.N A BOOK OF OVER 200 P**®*
1111 ll Ul ill Ull giving more information
iPERTISISGScSS
♦he name of every newspaper published, hav
ing a circulation rating in the American News
paper Directory of more than 25,000 copies each
issue, with the cost per line for advertising in
them. A list of the best papers of local circula
tion, in every city and town of more than 5,000
population with prices by the inch for one
month. Special lists of daily, country, village
and class papers. Bargain offers or value to
small advertisers or those wishing to experi
ment Judiciously with a small amount of money.
Shows conclusively "how to get the most ser
vice for the money," etc., etc. Sent post paid
to any address for 110 cents. Address, GEO. P.
HOWELL & Co.. Publishers and General Adver
tising Agents, 10 Spruce Street- New York City.
C. D. ROHRBACH,
Dealer in
Hardware, Paints, Varnish,
Oil, Wall Paper, Mining
Tools and mining Sup
plies of all kinds,
Lamps, Globes, Tinware, Etc.
Having purchased the stock
of Wm. J. Eckert aud added a
considerable amount to the
present stock I am prepared to
sell at prices that defy compe
tition.
Don't forget to try my special
brand of MINING OIL.
Centre Street, Freeland Pa.
E. M. GERITZ,
23 years in Germany and America, opposite
the Central Hotel, Centre Street, Freelaeu. The
Cheapest Repairing Store in town.
Watches. Clocks and Jewelry.
New Watches, Clocks and
Jewelry on hand for the Holi.
days; the lowest cash price in
town. Jewelry repaired in
rihort notice. All Watch Re
pairing guaranteed for one
year.
Eight Day Clocks from 83.00
to $13.00; New Watches from
$4.00 up.
E. M. GERITZ,
Opposite Central Hotel, Centre St., Fn ilnnfi.
GO TO
Fisher Bros.
Livery Stable
FOR
FIRST-CLASS TURNOUTS
At Short Notice, for Weddings, Parties and
Funerals. Front Street, two squares
below Freeland Opera House.
~ JOB
PRINTING
aUKJUTID AT THIS OlTiaa AT
Lowest Living Prices.
COAL! COAL!
The undersigned has been appoint
ed agent for the sale of G. B. Markle
& Co.'s
Highland Coal.
The quality of the Highland Coal
needs no recommendation, being hand
picked, thoroughly screened and free
from slate, makes it desirable for
Domestic purposes. All orders left
at the TRIBUNE office will receive
prompt attention.
Prices3.7s per two-horse wagon
load. T. A. Buckae*. Agent.
PETER TIMONY,
BOTTLER,
And Dealer in all kinds of
Liquors, Beer and Porter,
Temperance Drinks,
Etc., Etc.
Geo.Ringler&Co.'s
Celebrated LAGER BEER put
in Patent Sealed Bottles here
on the premises. Goods de- C'
livered in any quantity, and to
any part of the country.
FREELAND BOTTLING WORKS,
Cor. Centre and Carbon Sts., Freeland.
(Near Lehigh Valley Depot.)
H. M. BRISLTN,
UNDERTAKER
AND
EMBALMER.
Also dealer in
FURNITURE
of every description.
Centre Street, above Luzeirne, Freeland.
Th© Most Successful Remedy ever discov
ered, SA it is certain in Its effects and does not
blister. Read proof below :
KENDALL'S SPAVIN CURL
BELVERNON, Pa.. Nov. 27, *9O.
DR. B. J. KENDALL CO. :
Gents—l would like to make known to those who
are almost persuaded to use Kendall's Spavin Cure
the fact that I think It Is a most excellent Liniment.
I have used iton u BlO<><l spavin. The horse went on
three legs for three years when 1 commenced to
use your Kendall's Spavin Cure. I used ten bot
ties on the horse and have worked him for three
years since and has not been lame.
Yours truly, WM. A. CURL.
GERMANTOWN, N. Y., NOV. 2,1589.
Dr. B. J. KENDALL CO.,
Euosburgh Falls, Vt.
Gents: In praise of Kendall's Spavin Cure I will
say. that a year ago Iliad a valuable young horse be
come very lame, hock enlarged and swollen. Tlio
horsemen about here (wo have no Veterinary Sur
geon here) pronounced his lameness Blood Spavin
or Thoroughpin, they all told me there was n 4
cure lor it, he became about useloss.and I con
sidered hint almost worthless. A friend told me of
the merits of your Kendall's Spavin Cure, so I
1 >ought a bottle, und I could see very plalnlv great
improvements immediately from Its use, ami' before
the bottle was used up I was satisfled that it was
doing him a great deal of good. I bought a second
bottle and before it was used up my horse was
cured und has been in the team doing heavy work
all the season since Inst Anrll, showing no more
signs of It. I consider your KendAll's Spavin Cure
a valuable medicine, and It should he In every
stable iu the land. Respectfully yours,
EUGENE DEWITT.
Price $1 per bottle, or six bottles for $."• All drug
gists have it or can get i t for you, or it will be sent
to any address on receipt of prico by the proprie
tors. DR. 11. J. KENDALL CO.,
Enomburgh Falls. Vermont.
SOLD BY ALL lIRUOGISTS.
A. RUDEWIGK,
GENERAL STORE.
SOUTH HEBERTON, PA.
Clothing. Groceries, Etc., Etc.
Agent for the sale of
PASSAGE TICKETS
From nil the principal points in Europe
to all points in the United States. I
Agent for the transmission of
MONEY
To all parts of Europe. Checks, Drafts,
and Letters of Exchange on Foreign
Hanks* fashed at reasonable rai<ts.
S. RUDEWICK,
Wholesale Dculcr In
Imported Brandy, Wine
And All Kinds Of
LIQUORS.
THE BEST
Beer,
Sorter,
And
Brown Stoiat.
Foreign and Domestic.
Cigars Kept on Hand.
S. RUDEWIGK,
SOUTH HEBERTON.
A pamphlet of Information
the laws, Showing How t,JM
Obtain Patents, Caveats,