JL WITHERED ROSE.
BY MANDA L. CBucKKB.
•Throw it away :it i" d',' 11 '! : . ,
HUH lost it's spell <>' delight—
i know ; hut iH of roil
Lay 011 lur boHOiii last night.
•Tin nil I've ' ,,f; °' 11 romaneo dear,
•Tin nil I may call my own ;
Tis nil i vo left of a year
The sweetest my soul has known.
It opened in glad surprise
To the glorious heavenly dawn
Of her beautiful dewyoyoH
AH last night's hours sped on.
"Throw it away ; it is dead—"
1 know ; hut "this and "good-by,"
A rose and a word she suid,
For ine, can never die.
Last night at the touch of her hand
My hoiug thrilled with delight.
Forgetful that time's shining sninl
But measured lier love in its ilight.
Enraptured, a man among men,
1 lived in a haven of bliss
A heaven so real . hut tin n
To-day I've nothing hut this t
A lose all withered yes. dead ;
Yes. withered and "dead you nro right
But 1 mind its petals of rod
On her hesoiu lay last night.
RIGULANU, Mich.
UNCLE BEN'S STORY.
BY GEORGE H. COOMER.
T.Tnclo Ben was long past going to
sea, but bis stories of the deep were
always interesting, for tlmy were tales
of experience, and not of imagination.
T recall one of them in particular, the
incidents of which occurred in his
youth, a little previous to tho war ol
1812.
"At that time," lie began, "sailors
had more to dread than now, for they
were in constant dread of impressment
by the British. Sometimes they would
be picked up while on shore in the
English ports, and whisked off oil
board a man-of-war; but oftener they
were seized on the broad ocean takon
right off their own decks, and com
pelled to serve among strangers.
"How would it look at this day for
a British officer to come on board ail
American vessel and order the cap
tain to muster his crow, just as slaves
are brought out for an auction sale in
the West Indies? Think of it! What
would the newspapers say? What
would the people say? What would
the President say? Wouldn't there l>o
a call to arms from Maine to Cali
fornia? And wouldn't every man in
the county, capable of shouldering a
musket, be eager to volunteer for tho
honor of our Hag?"
Uncle Ben looked full of enthusiasm
as lie said this; full, too, of a just in
dignation at remembered wrongs.
"But habit," the old mariner re
sumed, "is everything. Our people
had got in the way of looking upon En
gland as having a kind of ownership of
the ocean, and it took them a long while
to forget this inherited feeling.
"Why, some of our vessels, brought
to by the British cruisers, would bo
left with hardly men enough to work
them into port. And yet, our folks
took it as a matter of course, seeming
to think that nothing could be done
about it. Wasn't England tho 'mother
country?' they said, and the 'mistress
of the ocean ?'
"Before going to sea, I got what was
called a 'protection,' telling where I
was born, how old, how tall J was, and
what color my eyes were. The very
fact that an American sailor should bo
obliged to procure such a writing, with
such an object, was enough to till one
with shame. But, still worse, the
thing did no good.
"A 'protection,' in ro far as regarded
the danger of impressment, was worth
just its weight of blank paper, and no
more. It is true that the British pro
fessed to seize only their own country
men; but, in reality, they paid no at
tention to any affidavit of birth. 'Wd
want men, and will have them,' they
said; and that ended the matter.
"All my sea-going acquaintances had
the like passports, subscribed and i
sworn to in proper legal form, and as I
humiliating, under the circumstances, |
as if in so many words they had asked !
John Bull to grant the bearers the lib
erty of sailing on his big pond.
"The one I carried answered very i
well for three years, simply because it
never happened to bo called for. and
then, finding myself grown too tall and
robust to answer the description, 1 got i
another.
"At that time I was going to Lisbon ;
in the ship Rebecca. The captain was
an excellent man, named Eddy, whose :
family lived directly across the street
from ours, and who had known me I
from my birth.
"The entire ship's company was made j
up of our townspeople, so that when i
we went out of port it hardly seemed '
like going away from home, we had so j
many familiar associations in common.
"The Rebecca reached Lisbon in
about thirty days, and our stay there
was very interesting. The foremast
hands being all sober and well-inform
ed men, there became treasured up in
the forecastle a great deal of enter
taining knowledge concerning the
Portuguese and their country.
"We had all heard the story of the
destruction of old Lisbon by the tre
mendous earthquake? of 1755, and im
agination vividly painted the scene as
we looked up and down the Tagus.
"At the time we were there Marshal
Junot, with a French army, had pos
session of the city, for Napoleon had
then just laid his hand upon Portugal.
"I shall never forget the appearance
of those French troops. Every morn
ing they used to turn out for exercise,
and I assure you they were no holiday j
soldiers. f l lie grenadiers, especially, I
were very imposing, for they wore huge ,
bearskin shakos, and were, besides, j
taller than the others.
"When, finally, we had secured our
cargo of wine and dates, and were once
more at sea, every one thought how
much ho would have to tell upon get
ting home; for all of us had friends,
and dear ones, too, who would be glad j
enough to hear every little? incident of
the voyage recounted.
"We took the? route usually followed j
at this day by vessels from the south
of Europe*, standing northwardly until j
in the latitude of the? English Channel, |
although considerably to the west ef it. I
Thence we heaths! nearly iu u direct I
course for the I'uited States.
Our west longitude was now fast
increasing, hut we? had not nin long in i
thin .Uivctiun when a sail van observed
bearing down upon us, ami, as sho
drew nearer, wo discovered her to be a
bn'g of-war.
"She? fireel a shot ahead of us, ami
Captain Eddy gave en tiers to haul !
around the? mainyard. He? looked ter
ribly vexed and stern, but he? was in
the lion's mouth, and could not liclo
himself.
".Se> the Rebecca, with her fore top
sail aback, lay fumbling in the? sea,
with her headway entirely stopped.
"The British cruiser also hove to,
with her jib ami staysail loosely flau
ping, and the canvas on her mainmast
holding lier where she was. Then a
Lieutenant, with a number of marines,
came on board of us. The vessel
alongside, lie said, was his Majesty's
brig Falkirk, Captain Downs.
"First he asked for the Rebecca's
papers, and. having read tlieni, or
dered our Captain to have all mus
tered aft.
" 'Von have no authority,' said Cap
tain Eddy, 'to command mo in such
manner. My men, 1 presume, are all
011 deck, and you can see them. 1
shall make no special muster of my
crow.'
"The British Lieutenant looked sur
prised and angry.
" 'do forward. Corporal,' he said to
the petty officer of tlie marines; 'take
a couple of men with yon, and rouse
out anv of his Majesty's rim-a-ways
thai yon find in the forecastle. I will
teach you, sir,' he added, addressing
Captain Eddy, 'to respect an order
coining from one who bears a com
mission from the King of Great Brit
ain.'
"No one was found in the forecastle,
for the very good reason that wo were
all above-board. And now the Lieu
tenant proceeded to arrange us in a
rank before him, ordering up his
matiiips with their bayonets to compel
obedience.
"We numbered eight before the
mast, all having 'protections,' made
out in good faith, and sup] osed to cov
er the necessary ground. With a strong
appearance of contempt the British offi
cer went through the farce of reading
them. Then lie tore in two my own
and those of three of my shipmates,
crumpled them in his hand, and threw
thorn overboard.
" 'You four arc all English,' lie said;
'that is plain enough. I care nothing
for your lying Yankee protections;
you have only to get into that boat and
return to your duty to your King and
country.'
"We refused positively. But what
was the refusal of four unarmed sail
ors, with the bayonets of ten marines
at their breasts, and a twenty-gun
brig -of-w ar lying hardly a cable's length
away ?
" 'Sir,' said Captain Eddy, turning
to the Lieutenant, 'I appeal to your
humanity and your honor. These young
mou are my neighbors when at, home.
I They are true-born Ameiicans. I
have known tliem fiom childhood, and
I have always been well acquainted
with their families. If you take them
you commit an outrage such as even
| your own Government would not sanc
tion.'
" T have heard such talk before, j
said tho officer, 'it is what thov al
TTIF RED COATS DROVE US DOWN AT TJIE POINT OF THEIR BAYONETS.
ways say. lou lnnkees should have
learned before this that the royal navy
is not to be defrauded by your miser
able? evasions. Such papers as I have
just thrown overboard pass among
you from hand te> hand, answering for
Yankees and foreigners alike; hut you
perceive they have failed to serve their
holders in this case.'
"Then, turning to the marines, he
added: 'Corporal, see that these men
are got into the boat without delay.'
" f J he red-coated soldiers encom
passed us, putting the points of their
bayonets through our clothing; and
the Corporal attempted to take mo by
the collar, but recoiled upon seeing my
tist drawn back for a blow.
"Captain Eddy looked sternly in tlio
face of the Lieutenant. 'Bo, sir, you
; are resolved ?' he said.
" 'Yes,' replied the officer, 'and I
! wish you to understand it. I have the
| power to take these subjects of tlio
: king, and that power I shall use.'
" Very well,' returned the Cap
tain; T am helpless to resist. But,
-ir. if you can take my men, you can
take my vessel. Hero, 011 the spot, I
surrender the ship Rebecca to Captain
Downs of his Britannic Majesty's brig
Falkirk!
" 'When you brace forward, I shall
follow you. You will probably outsail
mo, but, in that event, I shall make
for the iirst English port, delivering
up my ship as a prize captured upon
the high seas by bis Majesty's crusier.
" 'I will test this matter of impress
ment to the very bottom; and. if Cap
tain Downs should be found willing to
stand a trial upon the question, iu the
courts of England, bo may rest assured
I shall be there!'
"Such a declaration would have been
astounding to the British Lieutenant
could ho have believed tlio American
shipmaster in earnest; but, as it was,
he replied simply by some allusion to
'Yankee insolence,' and repeated his
command to the corporal to bumllo us
into the boat.
"A semi-circle of bayonets fairly
pushed us to the gangway, and,
though we turned desperately upon tho
sharp steel, it was only to receive
wounds which, if not deep, were at
least painful.
"Captain Eddy, forcing his way be
tween the soldiers ami ourselves, shook
hands with us heartily before we went
down our good ship's sido into the En
glish boat.
" 'Don't be down-hearted, my good
lads,'he said; 'l'll see you through.
This matter isn't to stop here! If they
take you, they take 1110. And, remem
ber,'ho added, with emphasis, 'that
even English law does not sustain this
thing. The officer at my elbow knows
this us well as 1 do. Or, at least, if
vou do not, sir,' he continued, address
mg the Lieutenant, 'you are ignorant
of the laws of your own country.'
"It appeared to 1110 that the Briton,
in spite of his bravado, looked a little
Ktartled. He must have felt himself
to be dealing with 110 ordinary man,
and the idea probably flashed upon
him that, after all, there might be
trouble. If such a thought, however,
entered his mind, it was accompanied
by the assuring one that with his su
perior officer, and not with himself,
must remain the responsibility of the
act he was committing.
"But whatever view his Majesty's
officer may have taken of the case,'to
ourselves the Captain's words brought
an unspeakable relief. We knew our
man, and felt sure that he would not
desert us. Besides, we had all previ
ously heard that, though England
winked at such outrages, her laws did
not countenance them; and so we felt
that what Captain Eddy had said in
that direction had been no idle talk.
"No sooner had we reached the Fal
kirk's deck than the order was given
to brace forward, and shrilly repeated
by the boatswain's whistle. This
whistle had for us a most depressing
sound, and I have never heard one
since without a kind of sad feeling at
my heart. It seemed, beyond all else,
to tell us where wo were. Every com
mand on board a man-of-war, as you
may have heard, is first given in words
ami then emphasized by the pipe.
"With a large number of hands in
the after-braces, the yards were swung
around till the sails wore filled and the
brig gathered headway. All except
ourselves were for the moment busy,
but we, who had as vet no stations al
alloted to us, stood looking on.
"Our eyes were directed toward the
Rebecca, and wo saw also her main
yard swing around in the same man
ner. But instead of standing upon
her original course, she followed
straight after the Falkirk.
"We had seen Captain Eddy himself
putting all his strength upon the main
brace, to assist his sorely diminished
crew in hauling the yard around; and
now we perceived him at the huge tack
of the mainsail liis own head and
those of his few men being in plain
view above the bulwarks, as ' a long
pull, and a strong pull, and a pull all
together,' was given upon the heavy
rope.
"The Rebecca was by no means a
dull sailing ship, and she was now walk
ing right along. It was not to be ex
pected, however, that she could keep
up with a brig-of-war, and of course
the Falkirk drooped her somewhat
astern, although the difference in speed
was much less than would have been
looked for.
"Captain Downs conferred earnestly
with his Lieutenant, and seemed to be
uneasy. At length, having run for a
dozen miles noon his first course, he
concluded to tack whip, the wind not
suffering him to stand directly for the
English Channel.
"Our topsail had scarcely done shiv
ering as the vessel tilled away upon
the new tack, when, looking toward
the Kebeeca, we saw that she also was
in the very act of going about.
"We could not hear what Captain
Downs said, but that his attention was
wholly tixcd upon his singular pursuei
was very evident. Both himself and
the Lieutenant gazed at her through
their glasses, and apparently made her
the subject of a very animated discus
sion.
"On the following night it was al
most calm. The ltebecca, however,
fell upon a stronger current of air than
ourselves, and in the morning had got
ahead of lis.
"The English sailors, who by this
time had gathered a pretty correct idea
of what was going 011, talked of the
•lmllv vow' there would be should the
1 uhaee eupiuin arrive at I'ortsiiiouLU
before them, and report his vessel u
prize 1
"Tho Falkirk's commander walked
the quarter deck rapidly, often glanc
ing in our direction, and, as we judged,
saying something about us to his olli
cers.
"For three days, with intervals of
light breeze, calms, and fogs, wo con
tinued near 'Chops of the Channel,'
the vessels changing more or less their
relative positions with tho unsteady
puffs of air, yet never getting very far
from each other. Ami all this time
Captain Downs seemed ill a state of
irritation.
"011 the evening of the same day AVO
were once more decidedly ahead, and,
before morning, saw tho steady beacon
from the lighthouse 011 the western
end of tho Isle of Wight. We wero
Hearing the great naval anchorage at
fcjpitlioud, between the island and tho
main land, where the harbor of Forts
mouth is situated.
"As the day broke, a ship was ob
served off our quarter. Lighter and
lighter grew tho sky, and more and
more familiar the appearance of the
accompanying vessel.
"'Confound tho miserable Yankee!'
cried Captain Downs, at last, out of
patience, and grown terribly nervous
with his three or fourdaysof suspense.
'Can it be that ho really means to fol
low 1110 into port? I'd 110 idea the
would carry his contemptible folly to
this extent!'
"He had, indeed, good reason to feel
disturbed, for there, before his eyes,
and not two miles off, was tho Rebecca,
bearing straight up for Hpitliead.
"No doubt he thought of tho Board
of Admiralty, the C\ urt of King's
Bench, tho interminable discussion in
Parliament, and all the wearying com
plications, both national and interna
tional, which this vexatious matter in
volved. And who could say how many
iudivid lal cases might be held up to
the light, which wpuld reiJoct little
! cid.it on nis lviajeaty s service, ana
still less on the immediate actors ?
| "Upon his own side he might plead
the countenance of immemorial cus-
I torn; but would he not be confronted
! with that broad construction of En
; glish law which is the guarantee of
personal liberty V And besides, would
not the Yankee Captain be abundantly
able to prove the nativity of the four
impressed men V
"Every moment we were getting
nearer to Portsmouth and Spithead;
but so, too. was the Rebecca. Soon
the affair of our impressment would
be noised over all England, and
thence borne to the ears of our coun
trymen at home. Soon Captain Eddy
and the remainder of his crew would
stand up in the English courts, testi
fying to the wrong that had been
done us.
"Our feelings were intense. We
ceased to regret what had happened. ;
e thought only of the noble sympathy I
and resolute conduct of our true-heart
ed Captain. How wretched our condi
tion but for this.
"Still the Rebecca came steadily
along, making what headway she could
with the light breeze, and almost hold
ing her own with the Falkirk.
"Rut suddenly Captain Downs stop
ped in his Hgety walk.
'Lieutenant Vane,' he said, 'see
the brig brought to the wind, aud the
main-yard laid aback.'
"In a few minutes the Falkirk was
lying motionless.
" 'Now,' continued the Captain, 'see
the cutter called away. Put those
tour Yankees into her, and send tliein
aboard the ship!' Then, with a sorry
attempt to cover his mortification, he
added : 'Possibly there has been some
mistake. At all events, the fellow has
followed me long enough to deserve
something at my hands, and he is wel
come to the lubberly scoundrels 1'
"In lifteen minutes we were on the
Rebecca's deck, but it was a midship
man, and not the Lieutenant, who es
corted us there.
"As we climbed over the ship's rail,
Captain Eddy seemed as much re
joiced as ourselves. (1 rasping each by
the hand, he welcomed us with a sym
pathy that went to our hearts.
" 'lt's sooner than I expected,' he
said, 'but I meant to see this whole
matter of impressment overhauled, and
1 would have had you at last.'
"Wo tried to express our thanks, but
could not say all we felt. And oh,
how cheery it seemed once more to
haul at the braces of the good Yankee
ship, and obey tho tones of Yankee of
ficers.
"Home and friends wore before us,
and in a few weeks we reached the
United States, there to relato to won
dering ears our four days' experience
as impressed sailors, and tell every
one how much we owed to a captain
who had proved himself such a friend
in need and so worthy of his position."
No booms Need Apply.
"Can you direct me to Pacific City?"
asked the Buffalo man of a station
agent in Dakota as lie left the train at
a "huddle" of four or five houses.
"Bight across the street for infor
mation, sir," was the reply, and the
stranger walked across to a shanty
bearing the sign of "Real Estate" and
put the same question to a rod-headed
man who was busy folding and sealing
a prospectus.
"This is it, sir," was the calm roply.
"Why—why "
"You are disappointed, of courso."
"Well, rather."
"You expected to see a city of at
least r>,0()() inhabitants, parks, schools,
factories, and all that?
"Yes, I did."
"That's the way with many others,
but it is not our fault. Our object is
to go slow and sure, and not create any
thing like a boom to give fictitious
values. Wo have done remarkably
well thus far. One year ago this was
the only structure in the city. Now
look around.
"Now I can count seven."
"Exactly. That's what our latest
prospectus says—improved 70!) pei
cent, in one year. Can you ask a town
to go ahead faster than that? Don't
confound this wonderful progress with
a boom, however. Booms have killed
half this Western country. We don't
want any."
"How's real estate?" queried the
Buffalo man after a while.
"Advancing, of course. Six month.'
ngo I offered lots on Washington ave
nue for $lO a foot. To-day 1 am asking
S2O, a foot. That's 100 per cent., isn't
it, and nothing like a boom. We are
simply growing on our merits alone.
That's the proper way for a town to
grow."
"Any factories hero?"
"There are. A year ago we had none.
Now we have a blacksmith and a shoe
maker. That's an increase of 200 pel
cent., and I want you to find a town tc
match it. There lias la en no boom,
however—remember that. It's just n
natural growth."
"What's the populationV"
"That's one of the strong points in
my new prospectus. A year ago I wa*
here alone. To day we number twenty
two souls. Think of the tremendous
percent, of increase! All legitimate
and on its merits, and no boom to cause
a rush."
"Are tlio future prospects batter
ing ?"
"Exceedingly so. This climato is
good for catarrh and a check on bil
iousness. Our seasons are very mild,
and a farmer can get sixteen hours n
day out of the hired men. This is a
great distributing point for trade, and
the center of manufactures, and we
shall seek to have the national capital
removed here. Wo expect six railroads
and two canals to cross here, three
large universities have asked for sites,
and before the end of the year Con
gress will be asked for a public build
ing, to cost not less than a millian dol
lars. Flattering? I should remark.
But wo ain't doing any crowing about
it. It might start a boom, and booms
are the bitter foes of now towns. We
want to grow on our merits as the com
ing city of the glorious West. If you
write anything for your homo paper
just put that in all legitimate and
solely on its merits, and no booms need
"l'l'ly.
Ail Fasy Subject.
Tom—A professor of phrenology ex
amined my cranium to-day. He* said
I knew nothing whatever regarding the
value of money.
Dick—Did you pay him?
Tom—Yes, I gavo him a dollar in
advance.
Dick Then there was no need at all
:>f his examining your head. Anybody
dse could havo told you the same thing.
THE modernness of all good books
seems to give me an existence as w ido
as man. What is well done I feel as if
I did; what in ill done I reck not of.
S'VE AMONG ROYALTY.
THE FAMOUS HUMORIST ATTENDS
THE FIFE WEDDINU.
It> Sontk tli© Royal Brlilo a fttmiitif'iil
Ht.iuu-Mndo American Froscnt- View*g
tho Marriage I'ugouiit in a Ku in-Storm—
Urol liai-to anil Euchre.
J JUST dropped over hero
to attend the royal wed
ding and shall remain n
week ut this town, por
-1 haps. I could not attend
JaUtySbw, the Huttenborg wedding
A on account of illness
,1 among my stock, but 1
Si'/ "aid t° myself thou that if
P * ovc ' r happened to bo
{ Ji thoro was aroyul wodding
j' , ~ I would not crawl out of
* tool; a club train from
I * IU '(
wlH ( '"la's and Dovor to J.on
f /*/' r j don. Tlio ride was do-
I / I voi< * ° r l |lc dent. Tho
channel has my compli
ments, such as they are. Everybody pays
nis compliments to tho channel. It is a
lovely shoot of water. 1 looked at it quite a
while with great big. solemn, soul-lit oyes
jnd heaving chest. It is not a wide chan
nel. but it is a very busy one.
I went at once to tho Victoria. I havo
©eon asked to sny a good word for tho
notch and now hasten to do so. It in very
largo and makes 45 per cont. per annum on
Its capital. I slopt and picked my teeth
ilioro, but uto elsowhero. I nlways like to
nut elsewhere, and so I did. Tho hotel did
not liko it. I said I was sorry, hut 1 could
not seem to holp it. 1 was willing to pay
for tho attendance which 1 did not got,
also tho wino, nlo, beer, malt liquors, po
liceman, prayers, writing-paper, lights,
fuel, toed, baled hay, perfumery, stilton
eheeso, tar-roofing, modical attendanco,
onimon lumber, enje ttoir, lime, cement
: and iiso of lilt, but I just would kind of like
to oat where I chose, so long as I was there
on tho European plan. If 1 happened to be
several miles away sitting for a wax figtin
of myself to be used bv Mine. 'I ussiiud ant
Mrs. Jarloy, I would not jump tho moinon
tlio whistle blow and scoot for the Victorb
Hotol. in order to run up a still bigger bil
for use of mustard-spoon, laundry of nap
kin. use of toothpick, wear and tear o
dining-room floor, etc.
So tho Victoria reproved mo and the man
ngor looked askance at me. When I canu
in late, looking well-fed and with a sparkli
of merriment in my beautiful, lich. hrowt
eyes, he looked ut mo reproachfully anc
butted liis head against the wall two timet
in rapid succession. The Victoria, or "Vic,
as tho irroveront call it. Is run by America!
NYE AND THE HOTEL MANAOER.
patronage, and yet the only murmur that
arises from the entire American contingent
is not pleasant to the management. Thf
uotol. 1 need hardly add, lias been recently
refitted and refurnished throughout, has ii
new i übbor door-mat wdli holes punoturoc'
through it. ami a row of flunkies who adorn
tho hall, and who welcome iho arriving ami
speed the departing guest at a shilling pci
welcome and one and six per snood.
The day of tho royal wodding dawned
rather wet and cheerless. Tho sun came
out the day boforo long enough for us to
see that our trousers worn all properly roll
ed up at Ihe bottom, and Hen it went back
again. Tho chimes of In lis. at. one shilling
iml six per chime, broke through the moist
air. I took my bright new (iorhnm butter
dish, wrapped it in a newspaper and started
for Iho wo.Ming.
I was all dressed up and was tho cynosure
of all eyes. Many people turned to look ut
my bright, cxpeetant face and elastic step.
London was all ngor. Sonic of It was all
agrog. I drove hastily up to where tho ser
vice was to bo hold and alighted from my
hansom, fearing that 1 had kept pooplo
waiting. I found S'UNJO people there, also
with expectant faces. 1 asked u bobby if
tho folks had coins. Ho looked straight
niloitd of him at a mark. 1 shook hands
with him at one and six. and then ho be
came more sociable. He said they had not
como. I knew then that I had several hours
to wait, and so. in tho language or Amos J.
Walker. I was anxious to get at it as soon
as possible. lJy and by tho Lif Guards
ennie along and ovorybody pulled out an
extra joint in his neck to see them. Then
i rod ilaunel conch with haughty papier
macho coachman and footmen came along,
(t had no one inside of it, but ovorybody
BILL VIEWINO THE PARADE.
.ooked at it in utter astonishment, and onn
nan near mo yelled "Clod save tho Queon,"
is ho gontly inserted his hand in my pockot
Another man stopped on rny patent-Tenth ei
♦hoo and trlod to hold his broath. but it was
:oo strong for him.
It now rained.
Then a mounted policeman drovo down
.ho long ranks of excited people. I wish I
'know as much as ho seemed to know."
Solomon in all his glory was a iittlo, wilted
wayeido violet compared with that man. Ii
I had his self-respoct together with my
front big toeming (mulo teaming) brain, I
would bo, 110 doubt, a num who could make
.ho civilized world stand aghast.
Then another red couch with a rod driver
fcnd three footim n in red and gold and saw-
Just logs and nowdomd hair drove by. A
tradesman on my left stuck his wet 11m
irolln through my high hut and murmured
'God save tho queen. There was 110 ono
n the coach, and wo couldn't havo seen
;hom if thoro had boon n dozen.
It now ruined again.
We walled for the clouds to roll bv. My
wont to sleep one by oin and slum
ed on peacefully. At last thoro was a
burst of music, and tho sm 11. royal band,
with 110 leader but a little drum major with
a black velvet jockey cap and tho uir of ono
who owns tho earth, came along tho ave
nue, which was walled with C i.OCO people
in the midst of whom a tall, lit ho. American
fool might havo boon soon.
In about two weeks another rod coacli
came along, and thoio was some ono In It
Everybody said, "That's'or." I afterward
learned that it was tho royal chambermaid.
1 woke up ono of my logs and tried to got t
better place. I got ono wlioro tho mud wuf
a littlo less yielding, but the juloe Irom ur
umbrella owned by a short lady run dowr
my neck, b'ho also put side-whiskers or
my silk hat by rubbing it tho wrong way
Then several red coaches came bv. Every
body said: "That's 'or." and then ho waited
a.-aln. I have been a fool three times tbif
veor that I remember of. Once when
! watched the Inaugural parudo till ray eyei
wore rod; once when I looked at the c n
lennlal parade till my teeth got loose, ant
once when I watched the wedding party ii
London.
Finally a carriage went by. with a llttU
stout old lady in it. Wo also caught sigh'
of a good-natured man in a rod coat and ful
habit, and a slender girl In a long, whin
veil and hor other dross. I nin told tha
these three wore the Queen, the Prince o
Wales and the bride. If they saw rao thei
dissembled vory much.
I was tired, and so. sending to the hous<
ray butter dish with my card, printed in oil'
own job office, whore all kinds of plain ant
NYE HEISTS BBET HABTE.
ornumontal printing aro done promptly foi
cash, I went homo with my slumberlnf
logs. I give below a list of tho woddini
presents as nearly as possible from mem
orv:
To tho bride, from hor grandmother, ont
camel's hair shawl.
To Airs. Filo, from Mr. P. Nyo, of Amorl
ea. as an evidence of friendship betweer
the two great countries, one beautiful but
tor dish, chaste and olognnt bovond de
scriptlon.
From tho bride's father, beautiful teacu|
and saucer, bearing tho statement in oi<
Gorman toxt:
: FOR A GOOD GIItL. i
From the bride's mothor, sot of dclightfu
"doylies" and nut-cruckors.
Fiom tho 1 iglit Honorable William E
Gladstone, to the Earl of Fife, a base drurr
and stereoscope for the sitting-room.
From In land, a busholof early rose pot i
toes and the motto, worked in green yarn
on a porforuted cardboard ground:
• GOD HELP THE RICH, :
J THE POOR CAN BEG. J
From the Shah of Porsla to the bride, a
large photograph album, containing pic
tures of himself.
From the President of the United States,
cable message asking God to keep the
Queen in the hollow of his hand when not
otherwise engaged.
From i'liuco Bismarck, a red message,
marked "Collect."
From the editor of Punch, paid-up sub
scription to the paper for one year.
From tho Lord Mayor of. London, box ol
caramels from Buylor's, whoso ad. will bo
found elsowlioro In this paper.
From the regular local humorist, who
always sends something extremely funny
to the groom, and thon sinks again Into ob
scurity, one jumping jack, price (id.
But space forbids a full description of the
wedding presents, and I pass on to spouk
of other mattei s.
I ran across Bret Ilarto tho other day at a
reception and reproached him for sonio re
marks oneo made by him which reflect upon
mo. I told him that it was hardly fair for
him to build up his own reputation at the
expense of mine. Ido not piny euchre,
especially with a Chinaman, and 1 made
him admit right there before every one
that ho did not moan any disrespect when
ho said:
And I gazed ujion Nyo and Nyo gazed upon me
And lie rose with a nigh and ho said;
Can this be?
Wo aro ruined by Chlneso cheap labor,
And lio wont for that heathen Chluoe.
Mr. Harto's hair is now white, also his
mustache, but his face is ruddy. Ho lias
shaved oil side whiskers he used to wear,
and his eye-glasses danglo by a string.
He does not seem to have lost any or ins
American ways—at loast I did not notice
that lie had done so.
Speaking of euchre and kindred gatnos
reminds mo of a littio incident which oc
curred ou the stoamor coming over from
America. Aousoo on an ocean steamer a
miniature world. There are various kinds
ot people from everywhere all thrown to
gether tor a week, perhaps, and manifesting
their queer cliiirueturiHlicß.
. On board tho steamer a few days out
from Now York our stoker gave up to tho
heat and died. Ho was brought on dock to
get what air there was, for wo were in tho
gulf stream, and oven the passengers panted
in tho shade. Inside the smoking-room a
party or men wore playing poker, and an
interesting jack-pot was in the center of
the table. lied, white, and blue chips were
poked forward, one after another, till spec
tators held their breath. Outside the stoker
was gasping at long intervals and waiting
for deatli.
At this moment tho fresh young man
with the kodak camera came along. He is
everywhere this summer with his little ko
dak. 110 is even in Paris ami London mak
ing views of respectable American citizens
who aro abroad, for tho purpose of having
a middling good time, and not for the pur
pose of having their pictures taken. In fact,
they would pay a small bonus not to hive
their pictures taken sometimes.
Well, the broczy youth got ready, and.
with a good light on tho face of the dying
man. was about to enrich his collection,
wheif a gent leman from New Orleans, who
really had tho best hand lor tho jackpot,
saw Hie performance, lio rose with a laugh,
and throwing down his hand face up, so us
to lose tho jack pot, ho wont to tho port
hole and said: "Young man, if you do that
1 will throw you and your cursed concer
tina Into the hungry sea. I may bo a wicked
man. I play poker, and 1 am somewhat
unrogonoruto, but if you dare to photo
g up.i that poor'ilevil on t lio shores of eter
nity. just to brag about it when you get
homo, you will in loss than two minutes
make the loudest plunk that the Atlantic
Ocean lias been the recipient of for soino
time,"
Ho then resumed his wickod game of
draw.
I hnvo just mot the man vou always moot
who knows y<>u and who holds on to your
hand and makes you guess who lie is. Ho
is genorallv a man you do not know, and
tiro glad of it. He holds you ami lots you
sutTor while you try to recall tho place
where you saw his disagreeable face, and
friends aro waiting for vou. You look at
your watch with one hand while the other
ts gently parboilod in his grasp, Ho looked
it mo as a furnished numidian coon from
Georgia looks into tho brieht rod heart ot
i laughing watermelon, and I wished 1 had
lot boon so foolish U3 to iouvo mv bright
now gun in my dress suit the night be.
fore. Ho would not to.I mo his name or
whero ho lived, because ho soonied to think
that I ought to reincmbor that. Posi-.ibly
I met him yours ago when ho wo to a
smooth faec and clothes with a wide black
and white stripe around thorn. Now ho
had juto whiskers, parted in the middle,
and London clothes, which liung on his
system like tho seat of a baby elephant's
trousers. Of course I could not remember
him. As he did not. have tho politeness to
tell mo his name. I told him i would have
to be oxcusud and go up to tho Royal l'nl
nco and play tennis. When ovory other
man who introduces you doos everything
else but pronounce tho names it Is only
etiquette to refresh tho memories <r p-'onl i 1
afterward. Ktiil I was saddened all tho
afternoon by this occu rence, and when
her royal stoutness asked mo why I soonied 1
so sad 1 could do nothing but with trem
bling lips loan on hor shoulder.
It Walked*
"Have you any second-hand type -
writers you'd like to sell?" asked' the
peddler.
"No," replied the merchant, "but I've
one I'll give away."
"What's wrong with it?"
"Chews gum and spells dozen 'UEz.'"
—Bunlette , in Brooklyn Eagle.
SINCE that Kansas girl ruined her
jaws wilh chewing-gum tho manufac
turers of the "society quid" have been
forced to put out tho following state
ment; "Our arum doeH not paralyse."
ENAMORED OF THE CHASE.
The Alventure* of a Chicago Youth Who
Wan B©i/.ocl with an Ambition to Go
AVost and Slay tlio IIIMUII of tlio I'lains.
Johnny Murphy, of Chicago, roads
jf Rod Eye, the noble Indian lighter
And buffalo, slayer.
Fired by the exploits of lied Eye,
he takes to the chase. "Ha, the noble
game!"
#> J
The noble game at bay.
mL
Johnny returns from the cliaso.—•
Ch it a (jo Ledger.
Josh Billings* Philosophy.
Cunning i•/, the wizdtun ov animals—•
very canning but very short-sighted.
lhare i/ no hotter company for oth
ers than he who is good company for
himself.
Civilization inkreases our wants,
and our ability to gratify them, and
that iz about all that lean be sod in fa
vor ov it.
1 lie grate mistake ov American life
iz that we discount everything -all our
happiness, all our desires, all our ex
pektashnus.
Eniiv man who will spied a slander
IK a sekond-handod liar, mutch meaner,
it possible, than the one who origi
nated it.
Menny people nip like an old lion
with olio oliickoii; tlioy ilinplny n grate
deal ov fuss and hurry, hut very litllo
dispatch.
All lies, lioforo they bckuin current,
pass thru throe hands; the fust iz sum
\ orv diikl'oot person, who looks wizo,
and only hopes that things ain't so
and so; the sekonil iz a lawless gossip,
who haz no douht but what things aro
so, or ovon wuss; (lie third is a malish
ns yanipyro. who fully indorses the foul
blot, and spreds it broadcast thru tho
land.
Pride and anger are closely allied.
Diskresimn iz the smartest thingen
ny man possesses. If he hazgot plenty
ov brains with it, ho iz 11 giant; and if
110 hain't got mutch ovenny, lie is a re
spektahcl pigmy.
My opinyun of strikly honest men iz
—that they aro skarse.
lie who haz got nothing to do in this
•do but to amuse hisself, haz got 011
hand the hardest kind ova job i know
ov.—New York n'eeklu.
He Had Traveled.
A young man with a groat deal of
hat and a small amount of gripsack
came into the Third Street Depot 011 a
train tho other day, and walking
through to the hack stand he said to
the driver of a vehicle:
"I want to go to the Wayne Hotel."
"Yes, sir."
"The ordinance gives you fifty cents."
"It, does."
"Here's your money. I've traveled a
bit, I have, and I know what's what.
Don't try any gum games ou me."
"No, sir—got right in."
The stranger entered tho hack, the
driver drove across the street and got
down anil opened tho door, and as the
stranger saw how lie had fooled him
self lie looked as ilat as chalk and mut
tered ;
"Yes—l see—just neross the street.
I've traveled, I have, but I guess I was
on the wrong train."— Detroit free
frees.
WHEN a man lias great facility in reel
ing off yarns, lie usually has a corres
ponding difficulty in winding up the
thread of his discourse.