tlortrs attb Rttorcllantt.
A BRIER ROSE,
Is this the boon desired so much.
The thorny rose we cannot touch,
But we are wounded for our pains,
Yet clasp it while the thorn remains?
For Love did oneo in Eden dwell,
Ere yet among the thorns it 1011,
That now is but a brier rose
Amid the wilderness that grows.
No sweeter rose wns ever seen;
But all! her thorns, how sharp and keen,
How deep they pierce, how long abide,
How closely in her beauty hide.
For overy rose n thorn, a tear—
Who wants a (lower that eosts so dear?
For Love is but a brier rose,
A thing of joy, beset with woes.
Bui oh! how rich and nnd red and raro
Her roses nre. Who would not dare
The wounding of hor thorns to bear
This fairest earthly rose to wear!
For there is nothing sweeter here,
" Tho' full of thorns and costing dear;
And it will bloom one day, be sure,
A brier rose no more, no more.
Marie L. Eve, in Augusta Chronicle.
HER BRAGELETS.
BY WILLIAM P. BROWN.
MRS. Horshaw was un
yV /I usually fond of her din
1\ / J monds. Why not? Sho
had not worn them long
1 "V*. enough for usage to rob
\ possession of its first
\ /Wy jj sweet flavor. The power,
Tk" SDr l^ eilsuro ft °d insipidity
of her new life were, so
to speak, in the swad
dling clothes of novelty as yet. In
fact, about the only relic of old times
left to Mrs. Horshaw was Mr. Horshaw,
and ho did not count for much in
society's opinion, except as the husband
of Mrs. Horshaw.
Scarcely a year since the new load in
the "Little Ju'o" silver mine had de
veloped its Aladdin-like qualities.
Scarcely a year since the modest cabin
in Red Wood Gulch had been ex
changed for tho brown-stone sar
cophagus on Prairie avenue, whence
Mrs. Horshaw, after a few brief pre
liminary flutters, had burst upon so
ciety like a golden butterfly, a little
crude and glaring perhaps, yet genuine,
very genuine. "Little Julo" was dis
gorging a cool five thousand in silver
bullion per week. The mine had been
named after Mrs. Horshaw by her hus
band.
Lnto in tlio morning after the pro- j
pliet's bull, Mrs. Horshaw was surveying
the contents of her jewel-case in the
privacy of hor boudoir. There Mas a
ring at tlie front door, and a housemaid
announced: "A man from Jaccard's,
Mum."
"Jaccard's" Mas (ho well-known j
jewelry house. "What can lie Mailt.'" |
she said, wonderingly. "However— |
send him up."
Presently a gentlemanly 3'oung man !
entered, his hat in one hand and a '
small portmanteau in the other.
"Pardon," lie said, "but Mr. Hor- '
uliaw left word that you might want to
make a selection, and as MO had 01 ly a
few of this style loft, we at his sug
gestion—concluded to submit them to
you for inspection at once."
He had opened his satchel and taken
out several rets of pearl jewo'ry of a
rather unique design. Mrs. Horshaw
seemed astonished.
"But I do not care for pearls," she
said. "I cannot see why my husband
should have left such directions. At
Jaccard's they certainly know my pre
ference for diamonds.''
"Perhaps there is some mistake,"
said he, M'itli a Chcstcrfleldian bow.
"It is no matter. And yet these
pearls arc really quite tho—a—go, I as
sure you."
"()h! they will do—for pearls, I sup
pose."
Mrs. Horshaw fingered them care
lessly, then looked fondly at her really
fine diamonds. Tho man adjusted an
eye-glass and examined them critically.
"I can easily see," lie said, gallantly,
"why Madam does not care for pearls.
These are indeed perfection. But, if I
mistake not these bracelets now—to bo
sure! That reminds me. Your husband
desired us to match them with some ear
rings we have in stock."
"Yes Ido need another style of ear
ring. But it was very good of Mr. Hor
shaw to think of that himself."
Mrs. Horshaw looked at the man du
biously. whereupon, with another bow,
he presented one of Messrs. Jaccard's
business i aids.
"I—or suppose you wish to take ono
of the. o bracelets back.'"
"With Madam's permission, yes.
For comparison, you know. As it will
take but a short while to match them, I
will leave a sot of the pearls until my
return. Not necessary, of course," this
with a fine renunciatory gesture, "yet
there is 110 harm, and giving security is
always more business-like."
Such grandiloquent demeanor was
quite overpowering to Mrs. Horshaw's
still virgin conceptions of eastern polite
requirements. She declined to receive
the pearls, bat he, having pocketed the
bracelet, Mould not hear of it, ami de
parted with a final bow and flourish,
leaving her M'itli a titillating sense of
satisfaction, as of one before whom the
great of the earth have unbent them
selves.
Two hours later, Mr. Horshaw, coming
home to lunch, Mas thanked by Irs wife
for "being so unusually thoughtful."
"Why, 11 aven't been ucnr Jnccaril's,!'
said lie, when ho caught the drift of her
remark.
Mrs. Horshaw felt a twinge of alarm;
then she remembered the pearls.
"It. is all right, I guess. The man is
to be back directly; besides, he left a
lovely set of pearls as security.
Thought. I'd be more apt to buy them, I
suppose."
"Left pearls, eh!"
Mr. Horahnw, though insignificant as
an adjunct of fashion, had certain busi
ness instincts, and this procedure struck
Jvim as unusual, if not queer. "We'd—
we'll see when lie comes back."
But he did not come back. They
waited until four o'clock, then Mr. Hor
shaw, taking the pearls along, went to
Jaccard's with mnnv misgivings. One
of the salesmen looked at the set and
then shook his head.
•'The poorest grade of imitation.
Hopo you did not think them genuine."
Mr. Horshaw gave his wife's version
of the whole aft air.
"Kv'dently a cave of gross swindling,"
sa d the sale-man. "Wo have 110 such
man in our employ, and goods like
these," he eyed them contemptuously,
"we never handle on any pretense."
There teemed ndthing for it but to
inform the police, which Mr. Horshaw
did forthwith. Then he went home and
lectured his wife, who, aside from grief
over her loss, felt quite humiliated at
having given her husband such good
grounds for assorting himself, a privi-
lege he seldom acquired in h s present
position, as an appendage of a woman of
fashion.
44 Women are too easily imposed upon,
lie said. "Now, what man, I'd like to
know, would have entrusted such a
bracelet to a rank stranger, unintro
duced at that.'"
Mrs. Horshaw faintly reminded him
of the pearls.
"Paste, you mean." Mr. Horshaw
coolly lit a cigar in his wife's boudoir, a
thing lie had never had the temerity to
do bnfore. "Very inferior imitations,
too. What do you suppose would be
come of you without a husband t) keep
you straight?"
Is a man ever more odious, she
thought to herself, than when so shabby
a small triumph in Hates him? She
sought consolation by shrouding herself
in a clonk of icy indifference. Yet the
loss of the bracelet pricked hor sorely.
On the following morning Mr. Hor
shaw was in the library writing letters,
when a servant handed him this card:
"J. GRUMLEY,
"Detective,
"POLICE HEADQUARTERS."
"The great Detective Grumley!
Wants to see me, does lie' Well, show
him up. Ha, Mrs. Horshaw!" lie so
liloquized, "yiu've lost your bracelet—
we'll see who gets it back."
Then a tall, grim-looking man, rather
stylishly drcs c od in plain blnck, with an
air something between a clergyman and
a hotel clerk, entered the room. He
looked at the wall, at the bo >ks, at the
window, and finally at Mr. Horshaw.
"Mr. Horshaw, I believe," lie said,
briskly. "My card informs you who I
am. Your wifo has lost a diamond
bracelet. lam detailed to work up the
cns\"
Mr. Horshaw offered him a chair. Mr.
Grum'ey seated himself, casting a keen
glance under the library table, as if,
perchance, the thief might have got en
tangled between the logs somehow.
"I suppose I can see the lady," con
tinued he. "Must have full description
of property and details of loss, you
know."
"Mrs. Horshaw is out. Sho says the
man has a slight east in one of his
. cs."
4 'Cast in one eye. Good!" Mr.
Grumley cheeked that point off on one
finger.
JLJI
! h
' "And—ft—l think she said his mus
tache M'as waxed "
"Mustncho waxed good!" Mr.
Crumley checked off linger number two.
"Let me see. I think lie drawled his
words —had also a slight lisp, and then
his nose his nose, now "
"Drawled— lisped good!" Mr.
Crumley exhausted his two remaining
lingers with a check apiece, and then
slnnpod his thigh. "1 think I know the
fellow, sir— M'OLL known crook, too. Now
! —for the property. Must know what
the bracelet looked like, you sec."
! "All —yes —to be sure."
| Mr. Horshaw cogitated and Detcctivo
Crumley, producing a formidable note
book, jotted doM-n a few points
j "Now—you'd hardly think it, yet—
though I've seen those bracelets a hun
dred times—l can hardly describe them,
oxeept that they are all spangle and
glitter. If my wife Merc only hero
now."
"I have it, sir," said the detective,
"there's a mate to that lost bracelet. If
I could take a squint at it now "
j "Certainly." Mr. Horshaw rose with
a smile. "It takes a detective to think
of ways and nuaus. By looking at ono
you can spot—that's the word, isn't it!
| Yes, you can spot I ho other."
Mr. Crumley leaned back with a Na
poleon-like nod of approval, while Mr.
Horshaw bustled up stairs, muttering to
himself: ".Sharp man that. Lucky I
! Mas at home to help him out." He
rummaged about his wife's bureau and
' dressing-enso until he found the object
of his search. "Now, Julia," ho
I thought, as ho returned to the library,
j "tce'U seo who recovers your brace'et."
! "A very peculiar make," said tho
Moll known detective, handling the ar
ticle very much as if it wo v e a liand-cuff.
"Very fine, too. Gad, sir! I wondor
the lady let the fellow walk off with it,
but- ahem!—women are—rather "
| "Oh, yes! They're weak and easily
imposed upon. But we men can't help
that. If we get thorn out of these
scrapes, that's a'l M*O can do."
"Prec'sely. But this bracelet now—
the pattern is quite complex. Difficult
| to remember fill the points—unless "
The detective, scrutinizing it closely,
, shook his head diseouragingly.
1 "I see," said Mr. Horshaw, "the
; police will need this one to—as I might
; say - detect and verify the other."
! Mr. Crumley's browe'enred instantly.
"It mil facilitate matters," ho saiil,
"Makes tho ro/ovory almost certain, in
fact. Shall I give you are *eipt—in be
half of the a—the a—force?!'
! "Not neces ary. Detective Grum
| loy"s name is an ample guarantee."
| Mr. Grumley bowed his thanks, de
posited the bracelet in a capacious Mal
let, and rose to go.
"Come round to headquarters in the
morning, sir," lie said. "I have littlo
| doubt but you will then beholal, not
; only the thief, but the plunder, too.
By the way," Ho appeared to reflect
I severely. "These movements are some
times necessarily costly. In short, we
may have to u.-e some money—not for
ourselves, under tnnd" this with a
grim, renunciatory a r- "but to inveigle
the las als into a trap of our own sot
ting; see."
| Mr. Hordiaw saw, or thought he saw,
| which amounted to the same thing
j pecuniarily. The pleasure of triumph
ing over Mrs. Horshaw must not be
delayed for a few paltry dollars.
' "How much?"
| "Two tens will do, I think."
I Detective (Irani loy stowed away two
| of Mr. Horshaw's bank notes, much as
j if they were waste paper, then took his
! leave with a mighty show of official
1 ceremony, after which Mr. Horshaw
rubbed Irs bands and smiled shrewdly
; to himself.
! When Mrs. Horshaw returned, her
1 husband rose to the height of the occa
sion and his own dignity, thereby im
j pressing her with such a sense of her
' own wifely weaknesses ns she had not j
fe't since tho primitivo days of Red j
\Y< <d (iulch.
"You may regard yourself as a shining i
light, my dear," said lie, "yet how egre- !
giously you were impo-ed upon. Grum-1
ey intimated that such verdancy was
accountable only because you arc a
woman. He's the most noted detective
we have. His name alone will lend a
kind of eclat to your—a- silly lapse of
discretion."
"And you let him liavo tho other
bracelet?"
4 'Of course. I likewise have his word
that the stolen one is quite as good ns
rec wered."
"I lione so," said the lady weakly, yet
dubiously.
Promptly at 10 a. m. Mr. nnd Mrs.
Horshaw present* d themselves at the
Inspector's office and inquired for De
tective Grumley.
"The diamond bracelet affair, yc*l
know," tho gentleman said, explana
torily.
"I didn't know Mr. Grumley had i
charge of it; but lie just happened to be
about." And the blue uniformed police
clerk turned to a dry, quick-moving,
wooden-faced man, who had just come
into tho office. "Hero you arc, John.
Some one to sec you."
Mr. Horshaw felt something gripe his
heart nnd impart a tingling sensation
along his spine. There must be some
mistake here.
*'l mean Detective Grumley of the
secret "
"Yes, yes," said the man, glancing
sharply at the couple as he laid some
papers on the desk. "I'm Detective
Grumley. What can Ido for you?"
"Why—you—he—is not this your
card?"
"Don't use cards. What the deuce
do I want of cards?"
Ho began to sharpen a pencil vigor
ously.
"And you—are Grumley?" Mr. Hor
shaw stared at him, as if lie might have
been the sphinx, or a museum freak, or
an ichthyosaurus come back to life.
"I am Grumley, sir."
"Julia," Mr. lio.shaw turned to liis
wife, upon whose faco an "I told-you
so" expression wa< mingled with one of
renewed dismay, "this- this isn't my
man at all. I—l fear wo have been
humbugged again."
" We!" said bis wifo cuttingly, despite
the conviction of a second swindle now
forced upon her. We! I don't know
anything about Detective Grumley, but
I do know that eotne men are very weak
ami credulous creatures—so easily im
posed upon!"
Mr. Horshaw sank dejectedly into a
chair, while Mrs. Horshaw proceeded to
explain.
"I fear it is a gone case," said the
real Grumley when ho had heard all.
i "Now they've got 'em both they'll melt
! the gold and spout the diamonds sepa
rately. But, good gracious, are you not
aware, sir, that in large cities every
stranger who makes up to you is pre
sumably a rascal until lie proves the
contrary?"
"Julia," said Mr. Horshawwhen they
Mero back in their carriage, "as a wo
man of fashion you may bo a success; as
a man of business I am so so; but at
present I feel as green in the ways of
the world as a sucking babe. Let's pool
our issues—compromise, and—snub each
other no more."
For an answer Julia kissed her hus
i band, for the first time in six months.
J Then both M'ore silent for a M'hilo.
i "They Mere suoli lovely diamonds,"
j she could not help raying at last.
"You shall have a finer pair," ho
I said. "Little Jul© has touched 280.
| Thieves can't carry the mine off, my
; dear."
Mrs. Horshaw contemplated her un
; brace 1 eted wrists for a moment and then
LOM-arded hor husband with another
kiss.—[The Epoch.
The Rubber Supply.
It is satisfactory to know that in every ,
direction from whioh India rubber is
l brought, great care is being taken of the j
i trees, ami a check put upon the quanti- j
;ty of sap drawn from them. Where
fresh sources of supply have been dis
! covered in recent years, the fabled folly
of killing the goose that lays the golden
1 egg has too often been practically ilius
i trated, for the trees have, in many in
! stances, been bled to death. As it takes
I from fifteen to twenty years to bring j
j them to profitable growth, this is a scri
' cms matter. In Guatemala the atten
tion of the authorities lias been directed ,
to tho abuse of the trees, and active j
1 steps are being taken to prevent its con
tinuance. Ho far, although the list of
rubber-yielding plants is extensive,
there is the best of reasons for these
precautions. It may happen tliat
chemistry will some day produce a sub
I stitute for both India rubber ami gutta
j peivlia from plants familiar to all of us,
i but at present this is only a dream of
! the laboratory. It has boon found, as a
matter of fact, quite possible to get gum
from some weeds, such as the common
milk-Meed and tho "sow thistle,"and to
extract excellent rubber from those;
gums by further treatment; but it has ,
not yet been found possible to get this ,
rubber without so muoh difficulty and
cost as to make it considerably more ex- I
| pensive than the India rubber intended
to be displaced.
A Punt Gun.
i A punt gun is tho same as a swivel
1 gun, which is mounted upon the bow
of a small boat called a punt, and is used
I in hunting game, such as ducks, geese
and certain varieties of snipe, which go
in flocks. Those punt guns are not fired
from the shoulder, but from a resting
i place on the bow of the punt. Compared
I with the ordinary shotgun, which is
about MO inches long in the barrel, with
' a bore of less than an inch, ami a weight
! not exceeding ten pounds, the punt gun
j is a small cannon. Tlicy weigh anywhore
j from 00 to 185 pounds, the bore varies
i from 1J to 2 inches, the length of barrel
sometimes exceeds IB feet, and the
charge of shot and powder is immense.
While 4 grains of powder and 11 ounces
of shot make a heavy load for the com
mon shotgun, the punt gun requires
from 1 ounce to 6 ounces of powder and
from 10 to 40 ounces of shot for a single
j discharge. It is unnecessary to say
that fro piently a punt gun kills scores
i of ducks at ono shot.—[New Orleans
: Times-Democrat.
Doors of Paper.
Paper doors are said to be great im
-1 provements over wooden ones. They
j are formed of tu*o thick paper boards,
; stamped and molded into panels, and
! glazed together M'itli glue and potash
' and then rolled through heavy rollers.
! After being covered w.th a water-proof
: coating, and one that is Are proof, they
' are painted, varnished and hung in the
] usual way.—(The Builder.
| IT is estimated that the annual money
| value of the fruit consumed in (treat
j Britain is fifty million dollars, of which
about fifteen million dollars' worth is
imported.
TRAIN ROBBER GERONIMO.
A Fearless Bandit Who Has Made a
Fortune by His Lawless Acts.
"Of nil the smooth and slippery
outlaws now loose and enjoying
perfect freedom, the smoothest and
slipperiest is Geronimo, the train rob
ber of Arizona and Mexico," said A. A.
Herring, the mining man, of Caste
Homo, Ariz. "I do not refer to the
wild Apache chief, who a short time
ago led in so many depredations 011 the
frontier, but to his white namesake,
who, if anything, possesses more cun
ning."
"Not much seems to bo known
of Geronimo in many Pacific coast
States and Territories outside of Ari
zona and the mountainous regions to
the South. He Hies from one side of
the Mexican line to the other in a few
hours, and is as hard to get sight of as
a will-o'-the-wisp. He goes into the
most civilized towns of the frontier
whenever 110 wants to and nobody
seems to have the nerve to tackle him.
"Geronimo was connected with two
or three of the heaviest robberies on the
Atchison, Topoka and Santa Fe road a
year or so ago. He lent a hand in the
last hold-up on the Southern Pacitic.
No detectives are after him, or if they
are, they make 110 headway in captur
ing him. He seems to have the right
to go anywhere unmolested.
"His finances are considerably im
proved by his robberies of Wells, Fargo
A: Co. Mine owners, too, caught out ;
with well-filled pockets, as well as
numerous travelers, have paid tribute
to him. Mexican and American cattle
! and horse owners have also sufi'ered.
: These depredations have been carried
on for three and possiblv five years. A
very round sum must have gone into
Geronimo's exchequer in consequence.
People most intimate with the circum
-1 stances of his plundering figure his
! gains at from §IOO,OOO to §200,000.
| Perhaps not less than twentv men have
I been killed also, yet he has been re yar
ded as a myth by many who have only
j heard about him in a curious way.
I "I assure you he is about the liveliest
blood, muscle and bono myth, however,
that there is agoing. There are 110 flies on
j him and evidently it is a good man who
will get him —a second Hob Garland or
somebody of that sort. Ho knows the
j mountains as well as Billy the Kid ever
i did, and better than any outlaw now
I living. Ho came to Tombstone first
j three years ago and wont under the
name of White.
"Ho stayed for a short time around
the gambling houses. He never was
known to engage in honest labor. He
was a fair gambler, though lie novel
played for big stakes. He seemed to
play for pastime more than anything
elso. In a short time he disappeared
and went to Clifton. Then ho began
his open career of crime. His last
hauls were on the Atchison and South
ern Pacific roads, where, it is believed,
ho got §20,000 each time. Then he
went to Mexico and was captured by
the regular troops while driving away
some horses. But the Sonora jails were
not strong enough to hold him, and he
is now back in Arizona. He often
visits Tombstone, and a short time ago
was seen playing billiards in the Comet
saloon there.
44 110 Ims no headquarters and his
devices to elude pursuers are always
successful. Nothing is known of his
presence till the day after he has left a
place, and there is no doubt that those
who know where ho is keep still about
it for fear of death at his hands. Ilis
companion is a renogade Mexican
named Frederico. It has been said
t 1 at Geronimo is a Mexican, but this is
a mistake. He is wliito, or very nearly
so.
"Geronimo is a dead shot, and officers
or anybody else aro not in a hurry to
try their skill against him. Homo stiff
rewards have been olTered by the rail
r. ad and express companies for him, and
privato parties liavo also offered bonuses
for him.
"The Governors of Arizona and
Sonora have offered something like
#d,ooo each. There is money in his
scalp if it can la; got, but to get it is tho
trouble.—[San Francisco Examiner.
A Dog's Intelligence.
A largo dog in one of tho Scrnnton
(Ponn.) hotels became vory much at
tached to one of tlio boarders. Ho got
in the habit of following this man 011
his loisu:o walks uptown, and tho
boarder liked to have him along. Hut
on a rainy day tho dog didn't see the
man start out, and the latter had got
around the corner before the dog caught
sight of him. The big dog was so
tickled when ho saw that his old com
panion was not far away that ho dashed
up and rubbed his great wet sido
against tho gentleman's good clothes.
That was a form of boisterous familiarity
not to be put up with, and tho man
spoke harshly to tho dog and drovo him
back. The dog's sensitive nature re
sented this unkind treatment, for from
that day to this tho man has never been
able to get tho dog to walk out with
him, although lie lias done everything
ho could think of to win back the dog's
friendship. He followed tho man once,
but he did it much against his will, and
only after his owner had ordered him
to. * It was thought the spell had been
broken, but it hasn't, and he has re
fused to accompany tho man, except
when his master has commanded him
to.
Another illustration of the dog's in
telligence is told by the same gontlemnn.
The dog's owner and he were in the
reading-room one day when .the dog
strode in and lay down on the carpet.
"1 won't mention his name or make any
motions," said the landlord to his
boarder, referring to the dog, "but I'll
say something to you in an ordinary
tone and see if he will notice it." Then
the landlord added: "1 think his placo
is behind the desk in front of the safe
instead of in this room." The dog
seemed to pay no attention to what had
been iuid, but he got up right away,
walked slowly through the long hall,
pushed the gat" open back of the desk
and lay down in front of the Bafe.—
[New York Tribune.
The Lingo of the "Tough."
The originator of volapuk must have
overlooked the lingo of the criminal.
The answers of "Slicky," a tough," to
some questions from a "fly cop" as they
met 0110 evening, the cop using ordinary
English, might suggest a ditliculty the
volapuk could not overcome.
"Ah, there. Slicky, and whore do you
bo skipping?"
"Jos goin' to de rack" (going to sup
per).
"Kay, whero's that smood pard o'
yourn i Don't see him no more."
"Oh, he's doin' de lock step" (in the
State's prison).
"Pinched, eh? What was ho on,
Slicky ?"
"lie jes harpooned a fink" (swindled
a greenhorn).
"Did ho try to skip ?"
"Yes, he quit do fiat (ran out of town),
but was only away two weeks for lie run
out of dough.
THE JOKERS* BUDGET
JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY
MEN OF THE PRESS.
Just for Trying—His Profession — •
Juvenile Joy.
JTST FOR TRYING.
I can not sing the old songa,
As I have boon roqurßlod;
When last. I tried to wnrble them
I got myself urrestcd.
—Peru Call.
JUVENILE JOY.
The urchin now released from school sits on
the wharf all day,
And with a bended pin and worm brings out
the tinny prey.
He catches "Hippies'* by the score, enjoys the
summer air,
And catches something from his pa when
homo ho doth repair.
Alas! how ofton in the life of every little boy,
The bitter lesson he must loam that sorrow
waits on joy!
—Boston Courier.
AN ARTISTIC FAILURE,
Pingreo (previous to having his pho- •
tograph taken) —There's nothing like 1
plenty of pomade to give a brilliant,
shiny and strong efl'oct to a cabinet pic
ture.
11.
' f/ t ;
LBJ
■ But the ointment bad sugar in it, and
the completed photograph showed that
| the studio flies had found it out.—
t [Judge.
PROSPECTING.
1 To settlo the question, "Is marriage a foil
uro?"
Which of Into is HO bandied about,
There lire lots of youifg folks going into that
Htute
For the purpose of finding it out.
—Light.
IIAIR TO SUIT.
Madame—Do up my hair, Felice,
while I am down to breakfast,
Felice—Yes, madnmo; which color?
Madame—The black, please—l am
going to a funeral.—[Biligliampton Ko
publican.
AT TITE RESTAURANT.
Guest (torestaurant table girl)— What
have you got for dinner?
Table Girl—Hoastbeelfrieassoedchick
enstowedhunbhnshbakodnndfried potato
eslndianpuddingmilkteaandcofleo.
I Guest—Give me the third, fourth,
| fifth, sixth, eighteenth and nineteenth
i syllables.—[Lawrence American.
nis PROFESSION.
44 I make mj living from my voice,"
The t rain plot did remark,
AH 110 requested bread and moat
.Inst after dark.
" Well, fling n song," tho cook replied,
44 Ami yon shall have yout (ill.
44 Give IIH n symphony in Q
Or e'en a trill."
" Not BO," quoth ho. "My voice is not
The kind you like, I fear.
14 it's useful on election days
To howl nnd cheer."
—Bazar.
A FOOL'S ADVICE.
A gentleman was onco lamenting to a
friend the conduct, of his son.
44 You should speak to him with firm
ness, ami remind him of his duties,"
said the other.
44 He pays no attention to what I say.
lie listens only to the advice of fools."
Then, with a sudden thought, "I wish
you would speak to him !"—[San Fran
cisco Wasp.
NOT TOO MAD.
Angry Subscriber (to editor) l'm
mad all the way through, an' I want my
paper stopped.
44 Yes, sir; do you want to pay what
you owo ?"
44 No; I ain't mad enough for that."
—[Phoenix Herald.
FISHING QUIETLY.
Owner of fish-pond (to man who is
catching fish)--Don't you see that sign
—"No Fishing Allowed ?"
Angler—Well, I wasn't making any
noise, was I ?
STANDING OFFER.
Dolly—l had a standing offer from a
gentleman to day.
Molly —You don't say ! Who was it,
dear ?
Dolly—-I don't know. He offered to
stand up and give me his seat in the j
car.
WHAT HE NEEDED.
Mr. Wood ware—'That young fellow
you have in your office is the most con
ceited puppy I ever run across.
Mr. Queenswnre- Yes, I know; but
you must remember ho is young yet,
and his character is not fully formed.
He has never been tried by fire. j
Mr. Wood ware Then you'd better fire J
him.- [Now York Weekly.
BETTER LEFT UNSAID.
The Pastor's Wife Dr. Talkwell ox
changes with my husband next Sunday.
Thoughtless Parishioner— Indeed !
Perhaps I can persuade my husband to
oouio to church.—[Life.
BOBBY'S COMPLAINT.
Bobby grew impatient at the fable,
Ho had been cautioned by his mot her to
oat sparingly,, and to say "thank you"
when anything was passed to him. Tho
older ones demanded ?$o much attention
that Bobby got Aery little. "Ma," ho
Avhisporcd after a time, "how can T eat
sparingly and say thank you if I don't
get anything?"—[Binghamton Repub
lican.
A LAUDABLE OBJECT.
Miss Honeycomb—Oh, Mr. Macinus,
won't you please send me a couple of
your photographs ?
Nlr. Macinus (highly flattered)- -Why,
certainly; with pleasure. But won't ono
be sufficient (
Nliss Honeycomb—Well, I should like
to have as many as possible. I belong
to the "Go Forward Band," and we are
sending out a lot of pictures to amuse
the little Ind'ans. —[The Argosy.
WHAT SHE LIKED.
" What do you like best.'" said Mr.
Piffy Dent to his girl, as they stood to
gether at the soda c muter.
"Oh, I liko ginger alel" she an
swered; "and champagne. Any thing
that—that—that—"
She didn't finish, but she blushed;
and Diffy popped that night.
A DAMPENKLL.
Mr. Bertie—Do you like the engage
ment ring, dearest ?
Miss Gertie —Yes, it is just splendid,
and so different from what the others
have given me.—(Epoch.
A MISAPPREHENSION.
Mrs. Michigan IIOAV kind your hus
band must be to give you such a love of
a bonnet.
Mrs. Prairie—My dear, he paid the
bill under the impression that it was a
flower-garden.—[Chicago Journal.
SUBJECTS EXHAUSTED.
Little Alice—Oh, dear, I'm afraid if
Mrs. Bank don't go pretty soon wo
won't get our ride Avith mamma. Ain't
her call most over!
I utile Dick I guesso. Mamma is
talking about tho second girl HOAV, an'
tliero is only tho nurse an' the janitor
left. —[New York Weekly.
HE SILENCED THE HARRER.
Kutemoff —A man in your lino down
in our town got. up an ingenious tiling,
)aid the stranger, as he leaned back in
the barber's chair at the hotel to have
his faro scraped, after having his hair
cut. It. Avns a machine to blow the loose
hairs off a customer's neck. It worked
like a charm, and did tho work of half
a dozen men.
Bui her—Yes, and turned half a dozen
men out of Avork.
Kutemoff'—Yes, that's why tho barbers
had him boycotted.
Barber—And made h in lay lip his
machine.
Kutemoff- - Yes. That is to sav, for
awhile. But he got ahead of 'em in tho
end. He just put a little onion juice in
tho machine, and as it stood behind him
the customer novel* know the difference,
you know.
Barber grunts " H'm ?" finishes in
silence, slaps off the towel viciously, and
calls out " Next" in the voice of a man
AVIIO has killed his grandmother and is
now yearning for the blood of tho rest
of the family. —[Boston Transcript.
AN APT CHARACTERIZATION.
" They say Wildboy is settling down
' and bids fair to become a great legal
light."
"All, yes; a sort of gas fixture." —
j | Bazar.
SHE GOT IT.
| Thoy wore sitting on tho piazza that
faced the sea watching tho white sailed
j yachts as they crossed the moon's tracks,
j Avhon he suddenly said:
: "1 think it must bo delightful sailing
i on such a lovely night.®
| "Oh! lovely, I should think."
"1 wish I owned a yacht for your sake.
I 1 would take you sailing every night."
| "That would bo just lovely!"
! " What kind of a yacht would you
prof or—a steam yacht or a sailing one.'"
"I think," sho murmured, as sho
glanced around, "I think I would like a
little smack."
She got it.—[Boston Courier.
SLOW PROGRESS OF THE GAME.
A young man well known in society
| circles, who lias a billiard-room in the
house, Avas ono evening teaching a young
| lady, in whom he Avas somewhat in
terested, to play. Tho small boy of the
lam ly went, up to vipw the game, but
AV as evidently not greatly pleased with
its prog:ess and soon came down. Somo
one of tho family asked him how the
game was going on, and he said: "Tho
game is not going on at all. Uncle
is not playing at all; he is just standing
there holding Miss 's hand. That's
all he's doing, and I don't think there's
any fun in that sort ot a game.—[ln
dianapolis Journal.
AE.—
"ONTO" HTM.
Pad Roy Winks Say, Mister, if you
1 don't rail your dog off I'll drop on 'iniJ
A THOUGHTFUL OHM.
! Husband Your sister Jennie Ims run
away and got married oloprd.
Wife (faintly)— What was shomarried
in
Husband —Silk.
I Wife (relieved) Then she didn't dis
' grace tlio family after all. Whom did
she marry ! —(Hnzar.
WHY THE WAGON GROANED,
Clara—What a terrible noise that
wagon makes!
George —Yes, its dreadful, isn't it?
" What makes it groan so, George?"
" Why, it is tilled with green apples."
—jYonkers Statesman.
A OIT/R EDGED RECOMJFREND.
Employer —Are you watchful and pru
dent in looking after business interests?
Applicant for Position I've carried
the same umbrella over two years with
out losing it or having it stolen.
Employer—Tnen you may have entire
control of my extensive business and
name your own salary. —[Omaha World.
TJIE Union Pacific Road offers #2,000
cash to any passenger on any train who
will shoot a train robber, mid several
parties ore making frequent trips in
none of getting the reward.
FALLING TWO MILES.
A YOUNG AERONAUT'S THKIL*
IiIVG EXPERIENCE.
A Rapid Ascent and Still More
Rapid Descent —He Caused the
Balloon to Collapse.
The performance of Professor Mal
vern Hill Allen, the young aeronaut, at
Providence, is considered one of fcho
1 most remarkable in the whole history of
: balloon ascensions. He started from
Providence on his aerial trip in his now
balloon. "What Cheer," which has a
I rapacity of 24,000 cubic feet, at 4:30 in
the afternoon. The crowd about, the
anchorage at Crawford street bridge
I gave rounds of cheers as the great
j golden balloon, with its gayly deco
| rated ear, rose quickly up through tho
I damp air. Higher and higher it went,
| until it became a mere speck in the sky,
' and drifted off to tho eastward. Then
j it was buried in a huge cloud, and,
[' when it was next seen, a thrill of horror
shot through the crowd of sp N -tutors.
The round shape had gone. The little
sphore I ad vanished, as though all its
buoyancy had been let out into the
clouds, and in its stead was a bag, flap
ping and swinging wildly in the air.
Almost at the same instant it began
shooting downward, and in a twinkling
it had descended through hundreds of
feet of space. Tho sight made the ob
servers dizzy to look at.
"The tliiiig has bursted," was the cry
that quickly circulated through the
crowd.
On it came, still falling, falling, tak
ing cm different forms, but always rook
; ing and swaying fiercely from side to
side. The young wife of Allen, who
had a place in tho enclosure at tho
| bridge, fell in a dead faint as sho heard
the terrible cry, and people turned away
from tho sight with blanched faces.
When they looked again the balloon had
! shot berfow their lino of vision. Very
' quickly there was a general movement
,of the crowd towaid East Providence,
where it was presumed that the occu
! pant of the balloon was already lying, a
| mangled corpse. The movement grow
I into a rush, and the rush into a stain*
podo, such was the intense anxiety on
1 tho part of the throng to know the
worst. Mr. Mellvano was in tho front
■ of the crowd.
i On William Daggett's farm, six miles
1 away, he found his friend Allen, palo
but smiling. Ho had landed in the
middle of a soft-bottomed meadow, and
i this had undoubtedly saved his life.
! After a few drinks of milk from his
j pocket cup and a brief rest, tho young
man gave an explanation of liis rapid
| fall to the ground.
| "1 pulled thp explosion cord myself,"
| said lie. "The balloon did not burst.
| The collapse was my own work. I had
to go u]> quick to get out of the way of
the buildings about the bridge. Hence
I had to have a tremendous ascending
power and but little ballast. I had only
ono hag of sand, in fact. 1 went up fast,
and my balloon began to expand. Tho
more it expanded, tho faster I went. I
was shooting up through tho clouds and
going fast for open water. The gas was
pouring out of the nock of tho balloon,
and nearly choking me. I had not
enough ballast to navigate with. If it
had been a pleasant day I should have
■ thrown out all I had and stayed up all
I night. But il was too rainy. The bal
. loon, basket, cords, and all were soaked
! with wet. There was no use of opening
! the valve at tho top, for that would not
' let tho gas out quickly enough, and I
was afraid of tho effect tho water on tho
balloon might have upon it. So I
oliinbod into tho concentric ring and
pulled the explosion cord, ripping tho
balloon open. Then, as the balloon
collapsed, I got hold of what I could
and pulled it out as Hat as possible, so
as to resist tho air. I came down pretty
fast, l)iit I expected that. I lauded all
light, basket first."
Allen A\as a trillo more than twoniilos
above the city when he caused his bal
loon to collapse. The onlookers at tho
Daggett farm toll a much moro exciting
otory than ho. Ono man who was
watching tho balloon with a glass as it
came towaid tho ground, says, Alien
Avas trying to get on top of the balloon
as soon as it collapsed. When he came
near, ho was crying ivildly for help and
clinging in tho rigging. Tho man says
1 that Allen was in tho ear when the bal
loon exploded.
The "explosion" has been the talk of
Providence over since it occurred, ft
is hard to convince most, people that tho
collapse was intentional. The hole in
the balloon shows a rip in the middle of
a breadth of cloth from the top near tho
! valve to tho neck.
j Allen is only 21 years old. Ho comes
from a family of aeronauts. His father
is Prof. James Allen. Since 1880 tho
J young man has made ascensions from
I llidgeway, Pa., Carlisle, Pa., Fitchburg,
I Mass., and seven other places, Bis
i brother, James K., war, the navigator of
Campbell's air ship at Coney Island last
vonr. llis father did good service as a
balloonist in the civil war and was dco
rated by Emperor Don Pedro of Brazil
for services there. A cousin, Prof. IL
8. Allen, made an ascension at Boston
on the Fourth, and the i\if> of the lut
ter also made a successful aerial ascent
at Pautucket on the same day. -New
York Sun.
Marauding Soldiers Burnt to Death,
i An imperial decree briefly notices a
| serious affair at Feng hsien Ifsion, near
i Shanghai. An officer and party of sol
diers belonging to the Salt Administra
j tion service attempted feloniously to
carry off by by force a quantity of*salt
lying outside the houso of a salt maker.
1 The inhabitants of tho place rose npon
them in a fury and burnt them to death,
fourteen lives in all being lost. Tho
Emperor has no pity for the dead, who
brought their fide upon thciroAvn heads.
Nevertheless, the lawless ferocity SIIOAVN
by tho salt makors must not ha allowed
to escape punishment. The nutlioiilies
are therefore ordered to arrest fortwith
tho principal offenders. Various penal
ties are inflicted on the local authorities,
civil and military, one of the latter be
ing cashiered.—[Poking (China) Ga
zette.
A HTNT FOB THE NEXT TUNNF.L.
Mi s. Hiiniiemune ( as the train emerges
from a long tunnel)-- Dear me. John,
! did you kiss me just HOAV in the dark ?
| Nlr. Hunnemune (glancing around to
I lind the perpetrator of the chestnutty
| outrage)—No, indeed ! I wonder who
dared to !
Airs. Hunnemune (simply)- Nobody.
Hut, you missed a splendid chance. John.
—[Puck.
PI;. SMITH, A Piocho (XoO dentist,
recently bet £"> tlmt he could carry any
! man in that (own on his shoulders and
! run fifty yards <|nicker than any runner
:in town could co\nr I (JO yards. The
I wagor was taken n;\ licrinan Krouden
j lhai running singly, ahilo the doctor
I carried Ed Kreudentlml whose weight
lis I!>W pounds oil his hack. The doctor
canio in three i'oet ahead.