ill, yi i rtr
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Nov. 2S, 1807. JOHN F MOOKK,
Editor and Proprietor.
TIME OF HOLDING COlTVPr - '
Second Monday in January,
Last Monday in April.
First Monday in August.
First Monday in November.
The JS.ichclor's Escape.
If there ever was a f'oro-ordaincd
, b achelor, that tnau was Major Teller.
' Souie men are born to old bachelorhood
others have old bachelorhood thrust
upon them ; and to the former class bo.
louged the Major. You could have
picked him out in a multitude ; if ho
had been labelled, like an antedi lunan
fossil or a dried specimen of etymology,
'. there -could not have been more certain
ty in the matter.
') lie Was a dapper, thin little man,
something under live feet high, with a
glossy black wig, closely trimmed side
l wriisiccra auu costume ho O.aintilv neat
Jbat he reminded you ol a shining black
it! He took a Turbish bath in the
uiuruing, anu a liussiati u;iin m r:m
evening; became home to dinner at
twelve precisely, and went to bed at
eleven at night, bis bunts standing at
the foot of bis bed, and bis stockings nt
I the head, and bis wig elevated o:i the
i gas fixture, and every chair in the room
' standing nt right angles with the wall !
It was high noon on a sparkling wiu
I 'ly, March day when Major Teller came
r , , t, , .1 .
uouie to tlie antique, dowu-tovvu board
ing house, wlieie bo had vogetatof lor
the last twenty years, and went to ins
flwa room to brush his wig for tho mid
isy meal. Opening tiie door he stum,
bled over ao obstacle that was in the
way.
"Oh, I beg )-.),; pardon, I'm cure,"
Said the Major, turnini; very red, rocuv.
eriug his footing with dilfieulty.
It wa8 Misi J'atieuce I'ittigrew, on
her bands on ( knees, cleaning of the
oil cloth at the door.
Now tho Major was afraid of Miss
Patience atraid of her ut the plump
lamb fears the trauut wolf, or the unol'
fending robin tho dire serpent. .Miss
Patience was full, lean and sallow, but
he curled her hair, and wore an art i Q.
over iter ion ear, and fang
'with whistling t ines to a little spindle
'egned piano, and firmly believed that
V she ouly waited a little while longer
)ie should get married to somebody !
'Vnd because the Major sat opposite to
.cratthe table Miss Patience helped
her widowed sister "keep house," and
served out the grvy and sauces and
regarded her artificial rose and bear's
. grease curl with a sort of fearful fascina
tion, Mis Patience somehow opined that
she snould one day, Cupid willing, be-
eoaie Mrs. Major Teller.
'It's of uo consequence. Major,' said
Miss Patience, reenverinv; her piece of
soap which had skirmished nut to the
middle of the carpet. -1 hope your lire
isn't out.'
Thank you, ma'am, it is very joo 1.'
'.I do wonder, Major, said Miss I'a
tierrec, with a premonitory giggle, 'why
you nver get married V
Tho Major retired precipitately be
lied the coal scuttle, and made no re-
y'iou'd bo so much more comfortable,
.m know" added Miss Patience, wring
k est ker woolleu cloth acd looking so
. iiiEgly oo the Major that he retreated
-etitl further iuto his wardrobe, where
rcoEg the swinging cfligies of coats and
. trowscraie felt comparatively safe.
Mies Patience hesitated a moment.
nd in tVut moment the Major felt all
the tctieipatory agonies of being pur
ued, aptured, brought foith, and pos-.
eibly married before he could got breath
to remodstrate. 5ut she finally took up
t ier hail and vanished.
'Desx me, that was a narrow escape,'
thought our hero, emerging from his
oantuary. 'Some day she'll be too
mueh for me. Perhaps I'd better change
my boarding place. Yes that will be
the ouly 6afety. I suppose I couldn't
rery well havo her sworn over to keep
'the poaee, and, really, there's no saying
what t deterotined woman of fifty may
'Dot do. I'll look out for a now place
o-morrow.
'Dear mo, Major, you have no appe
itc,' said Mi3 Patietieo, sweetly, at tho
dinner table.
'No ma'am,' said the Major.
'Try to eat a little juft to please mo.
Jlsjor.'
'K'o, I tliank you, ma'am.'
roo t jou know, Mijor, that people
f?'
fc'-3
RID
r. ' 1
will gay that you are in love, if you don't'
eat more V smiled the autiquuted spin
ster. This was more than our hero could
endure; he rose upjand lc't Miss Petti
j;rcv victor of the wordy field.
'I won't go back to that house if I
can help it,' thought the Major, brush,
dig the col l dew from his forehead with
;t crimson silk pocket handkerchief.
' !Ier intentions are serious, I know they
are.'
And tho. Major, in his innermost soul
reviewed the catechism mid hymns he
had learned as a child; trying to think
if thcrt-.were not some invocations par.
ticularly suited to an elderly gentleman
iii great peril and perplexity. 3ut he
could not remember anything appropri
ate to his particular case.
'It's twenty years t-inco I have been
inside of a church,' thought the peni
tent old sint.er. 'I wish I bad gone a
little more regularly. I wonder if it u
too late in life too reform '!'
For the Major, poor, old gentleman,
had a vague idea that 'religion' would
be a sott of safeguard against, tho wiles
of his fair enemy. iJeliveiance lroin
Mis. I'ettigrew must be obtained ou
some terms or other.
As Major Toiler was frantically re.
voiving these things in his mind, be
came to a sudden a:.d involuntary stand
siil!. There was a eiowd gathered in
the i-'treet a fallen omnibus horse, or
an arrested pickpocket, or some other
nucleus, round which gitliers the ra
pidly increasing swarm of metropolitan
loafers. Nov, of ail things Maj ir Tel.
ler most dreaded was a crowd, Sand he
looked round nervously (or eojij nicutis
ol e.-vopo.
An old fashioned church, with open
ed doors ami some sort of service going
on inside, caught the Major's eyye. lie
made an instantaneous dart for its huge,
gothic portals, shielded by the inner
doors ol green baitc,
"It's a good chance to think up tome
thing Boemu and appropriate, and that
sort ot thing, until the crowd gets by,"
he thought, settling himself in the cor
ner oi one of the softly cushioned pews
to listen to tho mild, droning voice of
the old clergyman.
The church was very warm, and the
light fcolVened by golden and purple
erioisoti glass, was dim, and the clergy
mtn's voice rather bionotoooUh, and
Major Teher was uneonciou-lv becoming
rattier drowsy, when a plump oil lady
came in, and the sexton beckoned him
from his i-otit.
fiuc too sermon was over, and the
people streaming down the aisle, and
the Major felt that he didn't care to
prolong the thing and (hat he had done
a very laudibleaet iu coining lo church,
uud
Even while these ideas were passi ig
indistinctly through his brain, he wis
borne towards the altar in an upward
eddy of the crowd, and felt a gaunt arm
thrust through his.
'Protect me, Major! oh save me !'
whispered Miss Patience Pe'.tigrew.
'I'm so 'feared in a crowd, always 1'
Tho Major strove to withdraw bis
a'ni, but Mi.-s I'ettigrew would not let
him. They were standing directly in
front ot the altar arm. in. arm. The min.
ister, old and near sighted, and a little
deaf, advanced probably concluding
that his services were required.
Major Teller's blood ran cold ; he
tried to protest, but his tongue secuiod
paralyzed. Mise Pettigrew had captured
him as a lamb lor the slaughter, and
where was ihe use of further struggle!
A few words an iipp-dling brief cere
mony and M ajor Teller was aianied
to Miss Patience Pettiurew. .
'Take mytuarkct backet, my dear,'
said tho gaunt bride, 'and stay, you
had better carry t!i3 uobrella, too ! We'll
go tight homo. Old folks like you and
mc don't care for wedding toursi do we '!'
The Major lookeiiitiously at his bet
ter half and made no aoswer the,
however, waited for none, but drew him
along with a quiet determination that
argued ill for the future.
'Give me tho key to tho room, tny
oear, baid Jlrs. J'atieuce Teller, 'Id
better keep it iu the future.'
'We'll slick up things a little,' said
Mrs. Teller, bundling the Major's be
lowcd papers together, and pitching
his box of cigars out of the window.
'Uut Miss Patience'
What''
'My dear wife, I mean.'
'Ah, yes. What wre you about to
remark ?'
'My ci.rars I '
'Oh well, I don't like smoke and
never did.'
J u t what are you doing with my
slippers '('
Trying 'cm on they fit me so nicely.
Ouess I'll keep 'em, eniproniousj I
wish you would take all these coats and
things out of the wardrobe I want it
for my drc.-sts.'
'Hut where ehall I k
eep them, .Mm
Pa ?'
li f'Si. P.fA a m a fa W fU Ba
G WAY, PENNA. JANUARY It),
'What did Vou say V
'Mrs, Teller, I would rctnatk.'
'Oh. under the bed or somewhere'
Pink soap, eh' I prsler Castile, Col"
ogue, rau. de Florii'a, Cold Cream I
Who'd have Biipposed you were such a
dandy, Semprouius!' You must havo
plenty of money. By the way suppose
you give me the money to keep now,
dear! I'd manage it a great deal more
economically than you'd bo likelv to.'
5ut :
'Owe mo the money I say !'
Major Teller meekly put his hand in.
to bis pocket, and submissively handed
over the purse.
'Well, now you hsid better uo about
your business,' said the gentle bride,
't.nd not come home till tea time I do
so dislike men lounging around in the
way forever, and don't como back smell,
ingof tobacco if you ktiow what is good
for yourself, Mcmphroiiiu3 Teller !' "
The Major crept silently away, think
ing how t n last time ho crossed the
threshhold be was a free man, and now
'I'm married !' mused Major Teller.
'1 couldn't help it ; it wasn't my fault ;
but bete I am, uo money, no cigars, no
freedom worso than a galley slave
sixty years old next month, and mauried
to Patience Pettigrew !'
lie walked disconsolately down the
street, both hands in his empty pockets,
and his hat tipped restlessly down over
his eyes. A greater contrast could
hardly have been imagined than existed
between this slovenly, seedy, wretched
looking man. and tho trim, tidy, cheer
ful little Major Teller of six hours ago !
He caught, a fleeting glance of himself
ina mirror belonging to some picture
frame store, as he sauntered by it even
startled himself.
'I wouldn't have known myself,' he
muttered gloomily. 'vVell Pin tnairied
now mariiftd to Patience Pettigrew ."
lie stopped at the street coiner, un
certain which way to go ; but as be
gazed, the bright, ttecly glimpses of the
river caught his eye.
All righ!,' muttered r'enipronious,
moodily; I'll go down myself ; it's i
short way out of a long line of ditRculs
ti(.. Anything but going back to
Patience Pett'grew !'
lie went down with long, determiner
strides toward the shining, broad stream,
where the ships lay peacefully nt an
chor and tlu little boats shot hither and
thither, and the waves sparked up like
sheets of diamonds. All these things
Major Teller saw, without marking them,
as be made resolutely for tho pier.
'Want a boat, sir '!' demanded a stur
dy man.
Yes,' s, id the Major, 'I want Cha
ron's boat to row me over Styx !'
'L'ou't know him, sir,' said the puz.
z'ed
ligh
boatman, 'but initio is sound and
The Maim-
waited to heat no more,
but
gave a Mind, downward lumn.
Down, down with that, peculiar sen.
nation of falling so familiar to us all
down down until
'lieg pardon, sir, but tho church is
going to be shut up, and every one's
gone. Hope you had a good nap, sir?'
The sexton spoke sarcastically, but
in his tones Major Teller recognized
hope and freedom He started wildly
to bis feet, exclaiming :
'Then I'm uot married after all, sex
ton r
'Manifi.l, t-ir !' ejaculated tho Major,
jpmpiug up, 'I've been asleep aud dream
ing !'
Major Teller satisfied ths soxtou with
a douation whose liberality astonished
even that personage, and went out at
onco to the Hotel to engage rooms.
'I'll send for my things,' he thought ;
'I wont go back to that house lest Miss
Patience Pettigrew should do something
desperate. I'm not married anl I dou't
mean to be !'
Tho Major was right. iscretion is
the better part of valor and Mi.-s Pa
tience Pettigrew remains Miss Patience
Pettigrew still ! hut Major Teller goes
to church very regularly now,
II Kit Urotiieu. Among the disa
greeables of that delicious state known
as "hove's Young Dream," is having a
younger brother of your heart's idol
around, with' too much impudence or
ignorance to make himself scarce. A
correspondence tells us how he saw a
couple thus tormented.
At tho Fort William Henry House I
saw a lover and his lady tormented with
the company of tho lady's younger broth
er. "Tis a sweet lake !" sighed tho lady,
"I wish I might have an island in it,
and solitude."
"Without me ?" said lover, plaintively.
''You :ue solitude to mo!" she said ;
"you put the rest of the world far oil
from iu?"
' Yes," sai l tin boy, ''he's a sweet old
solitude, he is ! He's a solitudo with a
bar room iu it, and boys to set up teu
pius. He's mors solitudo by hUse'l
than fortitude."
18G8.
VOLUME SEVEN NUMBER 45.
Unoi.r JJem'h Jok. L'uc-Ie lien
has a joke wbioh be " plays off" when
ft favorable opportunity offers. The
other day he saw a parly ofwould.be
philosophers forcibly debating on a very
wonderful subject, whou he stepped up
aud paid :
" Pshaw, boys, that's nothing to wha,
I saw when I was down South."
" What was it, Uncle l!en '( " said one.
" Why, I seer, a feller with one sid?
of his face as black as tho ace of spades,"
said Uncla 5en, bringing; his hand
down on his kuee to give emphasis to
his nsserlion.
" Hut was it natural f Baid one, in a
tone of triumph, thinking that he bad
Uncle Den.
Hope to die if it wasn't," was the
answer. The subject was debated for
an hour, or thereabout before tho ques
tion was propoumlud,
" What was the color of the other
sido of his face, Uncle Hen ? "
"That was as black as tho ace of
spades, too," was the reply.
A Sad Chanuk in Fortune. A
day or two since an old gentleman, Mr.
Alanson Palmer, now iu his dotage, but
at one time one of tho wealthiest men
in Buffalo, who used to drive through
its streets with his coach and four hors.
es, and who dispensed charity with a
liberal hand, entertained his friends
with princely hospitality, and was envied
by many, was before the police court
door, thiuly clad and enunciated iu per
son, charged with petit larceny in
stealing a shirt from a young man. The
judge, not considering the circumstan
ces under which Palmer got possession
of the shirt could be legally construed
into laceny, and considering the mental
and bodily condition of '.he old man.
dismissed the case. On Wednesday
last, the aged man, with not one of
those who iu his days of prosperity, par.
Wok of his hospitality, or were fed by
bis bouuty, to pity his condition or ad
aiinister to his sufferings, was sent to
tho poor house as a vagrant for lour
mouths.
.CuniiENCY. Din ing the first year of
ihl war, when change was scarce and
some large firms were issuing currency
ot their own, a farmer went to a store in
a neighboring iowu and bought some
goods, and gave to the merchant a five
dollar bill, ot which he wanted seventy
five cents back. The meichaut couuted
out the amount and handed it over to
the farmer. He looked at it a moment
aud iuquircd, "What's this?" "It's my
currency," said the merchant. "Well
tain't good for nothing where I live,"
said the farmer. "Very wi.ll," replied
the ineichant, "keep it till you get a
dollar's worth and bring it to my store
and I will give you a dollar bill for it."
The farmer pocketed the change and
departed. A few weeks afterward he
went into tho same store and bought
gi)d t) the amount of ono dol
lar, and after payiug over the identical
seventy-live cents he took out a handful
of pumpkin seeds and counted out
twenty-five ot them, und passed them
over to the merchant,. "Why," says
the merchant, 'That's this '!" ""Wall,"
says tho farmer, "this ;s my currency,
irgd when you get a dollar's worth bring
it out to my place and I will give you
a dollar bill for it.
Physical N'uitrmiB. Too much
cannot bo said or written upon the ne
cessity of the physical nurture of youth.
We havo bad prodigies enough, heaven
knows, of precocious intellect and geni
us; aud havo Eeer, them, with scarcely
an exception, eUher destroyed before
physical maturity, or, it they survived,
settling nto idiots, or, at most, common
place meu and women. It would be a
prodigy now, if we could havo an illus
tration of what tho Latin philosopher
devoutly invoked, "a sound man in a
sound body." A lady of our acquain
tance, the wife of an eminent poet, tells
us. that in concurrence with her bus.
baud's views, she has resolved on with
holding all mental excitement from
their children, before they havo attained
the ago of seven years, striving instead,
until that period, to lay the foundation
ol a proper physical structure aud let
the natural instincts of childhood be de
veloped in their proper-order. Would
that more mothers would consider the
form, fotitures, limbs and appetites of
their children, as proper subjects lor
care from immediate iulancy, aud feel
that iu their hands, to a great degree, is
left the work of preparing iu eery
child a sanctuary for good a temple
for the Living God to enter, and fill
with his exceeding glory.
"Tho ocean speaks eloquently aud
forcvn," eiiys Bceeber, "Yes." retorts
Prentic?, "aud tbero's uo use in telling
it to dry up."
Prentice thinks that J'.adicalx in Cou
groa assembled would do well to deny
ths 9it imfMJh nnt.
A Kovol Uarrixgo Scene in Church.
1 Alio latest innovation in the nsnae
' A. J ..j- .1... i- . i.i: t i t'
aim cuniuui ui nut j-vsiaoiisiiou vnuiiu
jf Scotland is the celebration ol in n rings
(mblicly in Church before tho congrega
tion, instead ot privntely t the n deoi
of the parties, the former mode, it is !
Icged, being in eonfoitui'y wi:h too di
rectory ot jubiio wotsbip sfid tV
ancient piae.ire of the J resbyterian
Church. Apropos ol this innovation,
the following incident may bo l elated.
It probably occurred in the imcient lim'S
rclerred to, but the dale is not inateriah
The afternoon services bad ( t'd--J, and'
the congregation were arranging them-
selves for tho benediction, whan, to the;
manifest interest of the worshipers, tho;
good parson descended to the desk be'
low, aud said in a calm, clear voice :
" Those wishing to be united in tin
holy boi.ds of matrimony, will now
please come forward."
A deep stilb.e s instantly fell over that
congregation, broken ouly by the rust,
ling ol the silk, as Home pretty girl or
excited matron changed her position tif
catch the first viaw of the couple to hff
married. No one, however, aroo, or
seemed in the least inclined to rise.-
Whereupon the worthy elergyniau,
deeming the first notice uuheard or mis.
understood, repeated :
" Let those wishing to be united iu
the holy bouds of matrimony oovv c jiuo"
l'oiward."
Jtill no one stirred. The silence be
came almost nudib'c, and a painful
sense of awkwardness among those prcsf
cut was felt, when a young gentleman
who occupied a vacant seat in t he broad
aisle during the service, deliberately
arose and walked to tho loot of the altar.
Ho was good looking and will dressed,
but no female accompanied his travel..
When ho arrived within a respectful
distance of the clergyman ho paused,
aud wsth a li-veieniial bow stepped to
one side ol l he aisle, but neither said
anything nor see.ned at xll disconcerted
at the idea of being married alone.
The cleigymau looked anxiously ar
ound for tho bride who he supposed was
yet to arrive, arid at lengih remarked 1
the young gentleman in an uudertoue i
" The lady, sir, is dilatory.''
" Ye,' sir."
' Had you not bct'.er defer the cere
mony '! "
" I tiiii.k not."
" Do you suppose thai she will bo
here soon ? ''
" Me sir," sai l the young pentlemsn,
how should I know ui the lady's
movements ? "
A lew moments v. ere suffered to el.
apse in ibis unpleasant state ol e.tpre.
tauey, when the clergyman leuewed l,',4
interrogatorie) .
" Did the holy promise to attend at
the presi ni. hour, sir ? "
" What lady ? "
'' Why, the lady to be cure, that you
are wailing here lor."
" I did not hear her say anything
about it," was the unsatisfactory reply.
" Then sir, may 1 ask you wliv you
are here, and for what purpose you thus
tritlu in the sarit turry of the Must
High ? " said the somewhat enraged
clerical.
" I came, sir, simply because you in
vited all those wishing to bs united in
the holy bonds ot matrimony, to step
forward ; aud I happened to entertain
suli a wish. 1 am very sorry to have
misunderstood you, sir, und wish you a
very good day."
The benediction wis ut'ered in a sol
emnity ot tone very little in accordance
with the twitching of the facial nerves,
aud when, after the church was elosed,
the story got among the congregation,
more than ono young girl regretted that
tho young gentleman, who really wished
to bo united in the holy bonds of mat
rimony, had been obliged to depart
without a wife.
I wo thirds ot the teacuers in
the
Uuited States are wemen.
A sister of one of the victims jt
Angola has become hopelessly insane.
-An artesian well near St. Louis
has reached the depth of half a mile.
Senator Sumner and his wife, it is
stated by tho Home .louriutt, havo
agreed on a per manent separation.
A revenue official in New York
State is a defaulter to the tune ol 8'ij,
000. Ho is " loil " to the backbone.
The First National Bank of Hay
City, Michigan has failed with deposits
amounting to 7-3,000.
Dr. Livingstone ihe African travel,
or, is al.ve and well. Positive advice
just received in Londou leave no doubt
as to bis safety.
A Vermont bank, which was eloi.
ing up its business, 'redeemed i-Il S.)0
more bills than it ever is.-ued. Skillful
counterfeiting, that.
A new counterfeit has jest lien
issued, which is calculated to deceive all
but the most experienced moiu y dealers.
It is a finely executed 82 note on the
National Bauk of Kiuderhook,. N Y.
A few days ago, a gentleman in
Hartford, Conn., was uttackc-1 iu the
street by a huge wharf rat, uod demol
ished a m! k umbrella iu the euflle before
bis ratship succumbed.
An. advertiser :h : Vermont paper
thus announces r. uhau
to the ea.-h system :
Trun; came into to v
from the credit.
1 order. -Cap!..
p ou the l.-.-t.
of Dei
l-!''-7.
i.i-l
Deneoa Credit.'
-1