DON'T WEAR YOril RUFFLES
ALL THE TIME.
Ohf fussy folk who fret and fume
And carp n-nd sneer and criticise.
Whose presence pats nn end to pence,
From whom nil pleasure quickly Hies;
(Who never jet have found a place,
A person, function, thing, or clime
To suit jour nwavntiiiK nouls,
Dou't wear your rutiles ull the time
3Ton make your trouble! for yourself,
And ruIHe others us you po;
3foo want December when it's May,
Anil sit;ll for nua in the hiioiv;
iYon hate to hear the children laugh,
You think a frolic is a crime;
Wot other people's sakes, 1 pray,
Don't wear your rulilea all the time.
iYon tire of single life, perhaps,
"No boarding round, you say, "for me;
I mean to wed and settle down
And take some comfort, yes, siree!"
But you're at odds with Hymen ere
The marriage bells have ceased to chime.
Just take a bit of good advice
Don't wear your rultlcs all the time.
iYonr train is never fast enough,
Your paper is jiot (it to read,
Sour tailor cuts your garments wrong
The drama, too, has gone to seed;
The waiter does not know his place
The dinner is not wortli n dime
Tis thus you're always tinding built.
Don't wear your rutlles all the time.
for when vou climb the starry stall's
That lead above this earthly sphere,
An angel at the door will say,
"You cannot wear your rutlles here."
Bo if you ever wish to see
The mansions of the blest sublime, '
And mingle with the seraph then.
Don't wear your rallies all the time.
Minna Irving, in Leslie's W eekly. '
5H5
THE SCAREDHESS
OF DORMS TRIPP
By ANNIE HAMILTON
BONNELL
"Dear land, yes, we've had aa epi
demic fast enough, down to the
Bridge! But it's over 'u gone, thank
goodness, an' nobody dead, without
it's ine." Aunt Roxy Knapp's lean
old face wrinkled into a smile. "My
dear," she added, "I can count the
little creatures that I didn't nuss on
the fingers o' one hand."
Aunt Roxy had come up river for
Iter annual viK to little Rosemary
Lamont. Rosemary claimed Aunt
Roxy because, she reasoned, she
might have married Uncle Rufus La
mont "as easy as not," in which case
he would have been an aunt,
wouldn't she?
"I suppose you ain't heard how it
happened? No, ot course not well,
Boon's I get my breath I'll tell you
the hull story. It's a kind of funny
story the way it's turned out, but,
. dear land, it might've been solemn
enough! The Bridge folks ain't lia
ble to forgive Mis' Tripp for one
pell."
"Miss Tripp?" Rosemary queried,
"Oh, Mrs. Tripp, with so many little
Tripps!"
"Five boys and girls equally dt
Tided. She's the one I mean, my
dear."
"Aunt Roxy!" Rosemary whirled
bout from the kitchen stove, "how
do you equally divide five children?"
, "Two boys, two girls, an' the
twins one a boy an' one a girl, and
neither of 'era but a half. Two an'
two's four an' a half 'n' a half is an
other. There's your five children,
equally divided, my dear!". Aunt
Roxy'g laugh wrinkled again pleas
antly. She put out a slender old hand
tor Rosemary's cup of Bteaming tea.
Under its benign Influence the epi
demic story unfolded.
"Dorcas Tripp was born scared,
an It grew on her, till when she
come to be married and have children
I declare to goodness if she wasn't
most too scairt to bring 'em up! Ep
idemics was her worst dread ot all.
She was always certain the children
were going to catch something. It
frightened her nigh to death to hear
they was a case o' measels In town,
or mumps, an' when somebody
- dropped in an' up V told her Corne
lia Higgln's boarder's little girl had
the scarlet fever, you ought to've
seen Dorcas Tripp's face! Before
that caller dropped out all the little
Tripps had the scarlet fever and the
twins was dead an' burled.
"Well," Aunt Roxy took a reminis
cent sip or two, "I heard how scairt
he was an' I went right over. 'Aunt
Roxy says she, as pale as a ghost, 'I
wish you'd button the children up,
I've got to finish packing.'
" Tacking,' I says, took all In a
fceap.- Then I saw she was cramming
things into valises like one pos
sessed.' She never looked up but
kep' right on talking. 'I'm going to
Cousin Flavllla's,' she says. 'The
children's got their best dresses on
lor traveling if you'll button 'em
p.- An' I wish you'd hurry, Aunt
Roxy,' says she, hurrying like every
thing herself, 'I'm not going to stay
In this plague-ridden town a minute
longer than I can help. Do you sup
pose I want to bury my innocent lit
tle children! The twins are delicate
none o' the children could ever
tan' the scarlet fever. What I say
Is1 kind of screaming it out 'that
people no business taking summer
hoarders an' perilling the lives of
their Innocent neighbors! Cornelia
Higgin ought to be ashamed ot her
self! First she knows she'll have
Wood on her soul!' "
Aunt Roxy rocked creaklly. Yes,
she didn't know but she'd have an
Mher cup o tea. Rosemary got it
with alacrity, its fragrant steam fili
ng the little kitchen pleasantly.
"Well, my dear (a mite more su
gar, if you please), Dorcas went. In
4e3s'n four hours after she heard the
lows she was on her way to her Cou
sin Flavllla's. You know where F'a
jJlla Cross lives, don't you? A
dreadful manufacturing place, swarm
ing with furrlners. It used to be real
aristocratic up where Flavllla's house
Is, but It's all built up with them flat
houses now. Dorcas stayed there till
somebody wrote from the Bridge that
Cornelia Higgln's boarder's llttie
girl's scarlet fever had turned out to
be the teething rash. Then Dorcas
packed up an' come flying home with
all the little Tripps a-tripplng. My
dear" (Aunt Roxy stopped rocking,
stopped sipping tea; the teaspoon
marked off her words solemnly),
"my dear, in Just seven days
all those children were down!"
"Down?" ejaculated gentle Rose
mar, excitedly. It seemed the cru
cial moment of the story. Aunt
Roxy's stories had crucial moments.
"Yes, on the flats o' their poor lit
tle backs with the scarlet fever.
They'd caught It playing with some o'
those little furrlners."
The dramatic pause that followed
proved Aunt Roty a true story teller.
Rosemary waited with kindly solici
tude to hear the fate of the little
Tripps.
"No," Aunt Roxy said, as If an
swering her thought, "they didn't
nary one of 'em die. I nussed 'em
all," with unconscious egotism, "an'
they all come out of it without being
deof or blind or anyways afflicted.
But they set the fever agoing all ovet
the Bridge, that's what they did. We
up an' had a regular epidemic o' scar
let fever. Only the Lord's mercy
kep' a lot of us from dying."
"And your nursing. Aunt Roxy,"
cried Rosemary, lovingly. "Didn't
that make Mrs. Tripp feel ashamed
of herself, 'perilling the lives of in
nocent neighbors?' "
"Dorcas feel ashamed? Well, she
was a'most too scairt for that. She
didn't have a chance to feel anything
but scairt for one spell. But 1 was
over there last night, an' I must say
there was something sort ef chast
ened about Dorcas sort of chast
ened. Noj my dear no, no 1 don't
never take more'n two cups at a
time." The Country Gentleman.
I'XVXIFOHM MEDICINES.
Wide Geogrnplilrul Distribution and
Age Make Drugs Cnrcliablr.
So, because any man, however ig
norant, with any motive, however Ig
noble, may manufacture and sell anf
of the 50,00.0 compounds known to
organic chemistry and may allege for
them what curative powers he will;
and because, too, ot this unlimited
opportunity for fraud among the old
er drugs, it becomes a matter of no
surprise to learn that at the present
time among the great number ot
firms manufacturing remedial agen
cies there is the greatest conceivable
diversity of science, sincerity and
wisdom.
These drugs come from the utter
most parts of the earth from the
dank forests of Brazil, from the fro
zen Siberian steppes, from the banks
ot the "gray green, greasy Limpopo
River, all Bet atoout with fever trees,"
or from "silken Samarkand," but al
most everywhere they are gathered
by barbarouB peoples, the lowest of
earth's denizens. It is small wonder,
then, that with any one plant there
should be a variation among its indi
vidual specimens in the proportion
of the active medicinal agent It con
tains. But when we add to this the fact
that, in general terms, the per cent,
of the active ingredient depends on
the amount of sunshine it enjoys, oa
the time ot the year it is gathered,
even on the time ot the day, ou the
amount of moisture, the elevation,
the character of the soil and a dozen
other factors, it becomes almost a
necessity ot thought that the amount
of "medicine" in that plant muBt
vary from a maximum to nothing at
all.
A man's wife goes bravely down
to the gates of death to pass through,
or, if it may hap, to come slowly
back, bearing radiantly with her the
flaming torch of another life. Ergot
is required. Now, ergot is a fungus
growing upon rye, where it destroys
and displaces the ovary of the plant.
It comes from- Russia, Austria, Spain,
Sweden, and where not; its chemical
analysis does not "Beem to yield reli
able information, for its active con
stituents are not definitely under
stood. Finally, the physiological ac
tivity of the drug may be good, or
little, or zero, Just as it may chance,
while after the lapse of a year it be
comes unfit for use. Yet it is to this
substance, so utterly variable, that
the physician must trust the life of
the woman and the child. Harper's.
Fruits of Reclamation Service.
Figures are now available cover
ing the work ot reclamation carried
on from the organization ot that ser
vice pursuant to the act of Congress
in 1902 to the first of this year. As
a result of the operations, which are
conducted under authority of the
Geological Survey, eight new towns
have been established, 100 miles ot
branch railroads have been con
structed and 10,000 people have tak
en up their residence in the desert.
To pave the way for these homeseek
ers the Government has dug 1267
miles of canals-r-nearly the distance
from Washington ,to Omaha. Some
of these canals carry whole rivers,
like the Truckee River in Nevada
and the North Plattet River in Wy
oming. Forty-seven tunnels with
an aggregate length of nine and one
half miles have been excavated.
Antomobiles and Coaching.
James Martin, at 'whose North
8ide stables the "Blue Dog" coach
which was used to make trips to
Highland Park was kept, says that
the arrival of tho automobile has
practically killed the sport of coach
ing in Chicago. - There is now no de
mand for drags and brakes, - al
though they used to be most popu
lar. Chicago Evening Post.
CONFIDENCES OF A
When I sit down wltn pencil and
paper and Jot down the amounts I've
made during the past yeur in my pro
iession as a confidence man, the total
staggers me. What have I done with
it? I have squandered money like a
.rlnce and borrowed it a week later
like a beggar. I have missed my
breakfast in order to "skin" a green
born ot $700 and lost it all before I
got my lunch. I have helped a stran
ger unload $10,000 in a "framod
up" poker game and then gone
around the corner and lost the whole
roll bucking another poker game.
There is one thing I'm sure of I'm
smart enough to get another man's
money, but I'm not smart enough to
keep it.
I saw In a paper the other day a
list of the salaries they pay to Con
gressmen, members of the Cabinet,
Supreme Court Justices, Governors
and a lot of those big guns. I make
more than any of them, and I haven't
a cent when the notice comes up
from the office to pay the room rent
or move. It's always so with bunko
men. While he is framing up a game
that will "skin" other "suckers,"
somebody else has a game waiting
that will "skin" him.
Why, back in Chicago, where we
used to work the crooked faro dodge
on every stranger we caught loitering
uround a hotel, there was an Oregon
gambler who ran a faro game on Wa
bash avenue exclusively for bunko
men., Thnt's a fact. He had a big
play, too, and went to Europe on his
profits. Every night you'd see the
"con" men line up around his faro
table and go against the same game
In which they had trimmed the yok
els earlier in the evening. It was a
private game and none but "con"
men and crooks had the entree. No
body seemed to think it strange, and
we lost our money about as regularly
as we made it. Of course, we didn't
always lose the first night, but it was
only a matter of time.
There are no faro games In San
Francisco, but craps, poker and the
races do Just as well, and keep the
gang hunting fresh marks without
any let-up. Not very long ago I
made half of $700 and lost it before
I had the price of a lunch out of it.
It happened this way:
My partner and I picked up a fel
low in a place on O'Farrell street whd
was anxious to beat the races. We
were ready to help him. My pal told
him he knew a horseman who had
something good coming off in a few
days, and introduced me as the man.
I was offish and didn't want to have
anything to do with outsiders, but
finally, after the stranger had bought
a dinner for all of us, I warmed a
little to him and agreed that I would
let him in on the deal.
"We'll make no mistakes," said I,
when it had been agreed that our
host was to be a party to the clean
up. "My horse worked the three
quarters in thirteen flat this morn
ing, and there Isn't a thing in the
race that ever did better than four
teen and a half. But I'm taking no
chances." Here I leaned over toward
them, looking around cautiously, as
If afraid of being overheard and low
ered my voice.
"I've got an electric boot," I whis
pered, "and I'll win that race if I
have to turn my nag Into a dynamo
to do It."
Our intended was properly im
pressed, and we made a date for the
following morning, when I was' to
have the electric boot in evidence.
I had to borrow $25 from the own
er ot the poker game where I usually
lost my money to buy the boot the
first thing in the morning. v
I was up bright and early and
bought the boot and spurs. Inside
was as pretty a little battery as you
ever saw. It seemed a shame that
the boot was not to be used.
My man showed up, prompt to the
minute, and I proceeded to show him
how the contrivance worked. He
was delighted. Then I told him that
he would have to give me his money
to bet, as I didn't intend to trust any
body with the secret ot the horse's
name until post time, and he was
about to demur. .'
"Look here," said I, "I'll write the
iiame of the horse on a sheet ot pa
per, put it in an envelope addressed
to you and leave it at a messenger
office with instructions for them to
deliver it to you at post time. You
are to give me your money now to
take over with me. It that doesn't
suit you everything is off as far as
you are concerned."
He hesitated a minute, but we had
assured him that my horse would be
as good as fifteen to one, and the
thought of the amount he could win
overcame his scruples. He handed
over $700 in gold to me to bet. I
was to keep a third of the amount
won to give to the "Jockey."'
In this sort of business the money,
of course, is not bet at all. I wrote
down the name of a horse that didn't
have a chance and put it in an envel
ope and pocketed the $700 as a clear
profit. The "sucker" came to me for
an explanation that night, and I
showed him a fake ticket showing
him that I had bet the money. Of
course he had no redress.
But to return to the fate of the
$700 after it dropped into my pocket
I had been in such a hurry to get the
electric boot in time that I missed
my breakfast When I separated
from the "greeny" it was after 12
Just time to take the boat for the
race track. I went from my room di
rectly to our rendezvous, where I
met my pal and divided the money
with him. Then I Jumped on a car
for the ferry and was oft to the races.
In my pocket I had $360 ot the
"sucker's" money, and a lonelj; guar.
CONFIDENCE MAN.
ter of my own. Five cents of the
quarter went forcarfare and with the
remainder I bought a round-trip
ticket across the bay. In conse
quence when I boarded the boat I
had nothing but gold in my pockets.
I had Intended to get my lunch on
the boat, as I was .hungry by that
time, but on the after deck I met an
assistant trainer In one of the big sta
bles at the track.
"What's good to-day?" I asked
him after we had chatted a while.
"Got any money?" was his answer
to my question. I Jingled my pock
et full of gold.
"There is something coming off In
the first race," he hastened to say
when he heard the clinking twenties.
"You'll do the right thing If I put
you wise?"
"You know me," I said.
Then he went on to tell me about
a "frame-up" in the first race by
which a horse called Yellowstone was
to win.
"It is all cut and dried," he assured
me, "and you will get ten or twelve
to one for your money."
Before the boat reached the other
side I had agreed to bet $200 on
Yellowstone in the first race. Also
I was still without my lunch, but I
promised myself that I would get It
at the track immediately after the
race.
When the odds went up for the
opening event I went round the ring
betting $20 at a crack on Yellow
stone. Others were doing the same,
and before post time every book In
the ring was loaded with Yellowstone
money.
It wn3 a mile race, and the minute
the barrier went up I knew my money
was burned up. Yellowstone got off
lengths behind the field might Just
as well have been left at the post.
He ran a cracking good race and fin
ished fourth, but that did not save
my $200. I still had $150 in my
pocket and was standing in the ring
gnawing my mustache and snapping
my fingernails In my disappointment
when a man-about town whom I
knew came up and told me that Mich
igan Smith, the plunger, had sent
$1000 into the ring to be bet on the
favorite, which was then two to one.
"It looks like a cinch," my friend
said as he drifted away
I didn't hesitate a moment, but
elbowed my way to the nearest book
and handed over my remaining $150.
The horse was beaten a nose after a
furious drive. Everybody said the
boy tossed the race away by over
confidence. It didn't make any dif
ference to me anyway. The books
had that $350, which was all J cared
about.
As I turned back toward the bet
ting ring cursing myself for a fool,
I saw a fellow being served with a
nice, thick porterhouse in the res
taurant. Then I remembered my
lunch. Gee, I was hungry, and I
didn't have the price of a cup of
coffee about me. On the first two
races I had lost all my money, even
Including the $25 I had borrowed
to buy the boot. I hadn't bought
even a shave or a shine or a lunc!)
out ot the money.
As I "mosled" gloomily pround the
ring the rest of the day and saw the
horses I would have bet on win right
down the line I tried to figure what
was the difference between myself
and the "sucker" who had given up
the $700. The only difference I
could see was that I had the privilege
of betting my money before losing it,
while he bad not.
I had to walk up from the ferry
that night for the lack of carfare,
but I was comforted somewhat by
the thought that Micky, ray pal,
would lend $50 or even $100, and I
would be on my feet again. The
minnte I saw him I knew it was all
off that bis money was gone, too.
His face was longer than anybody's
in town. Before a word was said
each knew the other wai "broke."
"What did you lose yours on?" he
asked.
"Good things In the first two races.
Where did you drop yours?"
"Poker game," he answered. "I
went up to where there was a big
game going. They had been at it all
night. I lamped around for a while
and saw that they were playing them
high and loose. One fellow in partic
ular was bluffing on every other hand
and standing 'pat' if anybody stayed.
Then he'd shove in his whole pile
and make 'em lay down. I stood be
hind him and he did that a couple of
time without a pair in his hand, as I
could see. So I thought that I'd sit
in and wait for htm to try it again.
I bought checks for a hundred and
left the rest ot the $350 in front ot
me. The first hand I picked up three
aces. Somebody opened the pot, I
Just stayed to draw them on and the
bluffer raised us $50. We both saw
the raise and drew two cards apiece.
He stood pat. Knowing how the fel
low had been bluffing on the same
kind of a play my three aces looked
like a cinch. We both passed and
he shoved in all he had in front of
him. The other, fellow laid down
and I called him, putting in all the
money I had.
"Three aces here," I said, and was
reaching for the pot, I was so sure of
it, but he showed down a small full
house and took the money. I left
the game minus my $350 after play
ing Just one hand."
We were silent for a while.
"et's go out and rustle up dinner
money," I said at last, and we went.
At the commencement of the pres
ent racing meeting at Oakland my
pal and I opened a "tipping" bureau.
Our idea was (hat he would run the
"tipping" game and I would pose
merely, as a customer. In this way
I could hang around the office and"
"freeze" on to any likely looking
"suckers" who appeared. His deal
ings were to be strictly on the square
that is, he would sell a couple of
tips a day and refund the buyer's
money, as per agreement, if they did
not win. If I landed any of the
clients for a bunch of money I did
it on the outside and my pal sympa
thized with them, but told them he
only knew me as an occasional cus
tomer. . The business prospered beyond out
best hopes. Micky had all kinds of
luck in picking the wlnnerB and by
advertising we soon had an income ot
nearly $200 a day. In addition I
steered one of our clients into a poker
game where he lost $3500, and the
next day I caught a boy from San
Jose for $3000, which he had Just
received from his guardian on his
twenty-first birthday.
These "killings", set us up In the
world, and we lived like millionaires.
I also had luck at the track, and in
the middle of December I had $18,-
000 in a safe deposit vault. Thnt
was the heyday of our prosperity. It
was a common thing for us to have
nothing but a tip for the waiter left
out of a $100 bill after we had had
dinner. But we didn't care nor even
think about it. It's easy to be prodi
gal when you have $18,000 in a box
waiting to be spent and more coming
in every day.
But it wasn't long before the tide
turned. In the first place we struck
a losing streak with our tips and the
$200 a day dropped off until we
scarcely paid office rent. Meanwhile
1 was dropping big wads of coin at
the track. I couldn't seem to .pick
them right. One day I lost $4500.
On another $2800. My roll couldn't
stand that long, and on New Year's
Day I took our last thousand ovet
to the track. I intended to bet on
two horses Firestone, which I knew
was likely to prove the best two-year-old
on the Coast, and Proper, in the
New Year's Handicap. A horseman
persuaded me to stay off Firestone,
which he said was not ready to race,
and at the last moment I switched
from Proper to Loglstilla. The lat
ter was left at the post and Proper
won.
On tho way back that night I felt
natural. I was broke. I've been
broke ever since, and the way things
look now I am likely to stay that way,
for the easy marks are staying out of
my path, if there are any in town.
Now, I am an old band at all kinds
of gambling. I make my living by
knowing more about that sort of
thing than the man whose money I
want, and yet I squander all I make
in going against games in which my
money isn't worth ten cents on the
dollar the moment I sit in.
Years ago I was talking with John
Condon, the blind racetrack magnate
of Chicago. We were discussing
gambling and the chances a man has
to win. '
"Well," said Condon, "there's only
one way to beat a gambling game.
Make the other fellow go against
your game. With me any time a
man didn't want to go against my
game there was no play."
Shrewd old John Condon hit the
nail on the head. As long as the
"suckers" play my game I get the
money. The moment I begin to
gamble in any other game where an
other man has the percentage I lose
my money the same as any other
"sucker." I know this and yet I go
right on losing my 'money. Why?
There's a conundrum. If I had $10,
000 I'd give it all to know the an
swer. San Francisco Chronicle.
r&HiisrG:s
SWORTH, knowing;
Although South America has about'
twice the area of the United States,
It has only half the population.
Life Insurance companies in Japan
are paying sixteen per cent, divi
dends. In one ot them the directors
got only $3100 fees for their year's
work.
Lancaster County, Pa., has twenty
one Presbyterian churches, and at
least three of the congregations are
almost 200 years old.
Wounded Elk, a full-blooded Sioux
missionary, is organizing a revival
movement in New York City. He has
a wonderful flow of simple oratory,
besides a majestic presence.
The consensus ot opinion among
historians is to the effect that the
most ancient city is Damascus. There
Is no doubt about the fact that
Damascus has the longest continuous
history ot any city in the world.
The English occupation ot India
began with the administration of
Clive, in 1763. The present popula
tion ot India is 240,000,000. The
English residents in India, civil and
military, number less than 100,000.
Porson was a great talker and a
man of immense learning, and Car
lyle was not far behind him, but both
were handicapped by temperamental
difficulties. Perhaps the greatest and
most admirable all-round conversa
tionalist was Lord Macaulay, with
Oliver Wendell Holmes as a close sec
ond. Horse3hoeIng Is very ancient It
Is represented on a coin ot Tarentum,
South Italy, about 300 B. C. Iron
and bronze horseshoes . have been
found in tumuli in France, Germany,
Belgium and England. It Is, ol
course, impossible to designate the
first Instance in which a bronze oi
iron horseshoe was used.
WATERING THE ELEPHANT.
Whenever I think of the farm of my child
hood
And there let my fancy delightfully
dwell,
I do not recall with a bit of affection
The old oaken bucket that hung by the
well.
I never was stuck by its tioss covered
beauty.
Its creaking refrain never made my heart
glad.
And surely there wasn't a throb of ex
citement In drawing a bucket for mother or dad.
But still do J cherish in fond1 retrospection.
As memories sweet that shall ever La
nursed,
The pailfulR of water I patiently carried
For quenching the elephant's marvellous
thirst.
I'll bet that old Sisyphus, hard as the job
was,
Would snrely have filled the sieve up to
the brim
If only, as object and guerdon of labor,
A seat at the circus was given to him.
McLandburgh Wilson, in The Suu.
- -A' i n r
!fTh!
"She let fall a few remarks-
Ms that why she spoke In such broken
tones?" Baltimore. American.
Yeast "What kind of men get the
most enjoyment out of fishing?"
Crimsonbeak "Why, liars, of
course!" Yonkers Statesman.
"I got my eyes and nose full of
dust yesterday, and every muscle in
my body aches." "Long auto rids,
eh?" "Nope. Beating rugs." Cleve
land Plain Dealer.
A Persian penman named Aziz, i
Remarked, "I think I know iny biz.
For when 1 write my name as is,
It is Aziz as is Aziz." '
Carolyn Wells, in Life.
"Do you favor any particular'
school of music?" asked the lady.
"Yes, Indeed," replied tho you::s man
who lives In a flat. "I favor the
pianissimo school." Puck.
"When was their engagement
made?" "While they were singing
In the church choir." "What was the
cause of their divorce?" "Singing in
the church choir." Milwaukee Sen
tinel. Mrs. Newcome "My husband has
been a collector of curios and old
relics for a number of years." Mrs.
Knox "Indeed! I have often won
dered why he married you!" Chi
cago Daily News.
The man wore a badge with the
legend, "I am an undesirable citl--zen."
"Why go to the trouble of an
nouncing It?" queried an observer.
At this point the trouble began.
Philadelphia Public Ledger.
The ladies stopped a little boy whose legs
were briar-scratched,
And laughed to see the novel wax his little
pants were patched.
"Why did they patch with white?" thev
asked. "Why not with blue or red?1'
The small boy scowled and touched the
pot. "2 hat ain't no patch," he said.
Dallas News.
The Scientist "There is every rea
son to believe that the ancient3 used
illuminating gas. In fact, I once dug
up an article which I have ho doubt
was a primitive form of gas meter."
The Householder "Was it still
working?" Judge.
"I feel," he said, as he laid the
morning newspaper aside, "that my
country has called me!" "Make .o
mistake, dear," said the wife.
"That's only old Jones' blind mule
braying for oats. He'll feed it direct
ly!" Atlanta Constitution.
" 'Shopping by mail,' " quoted Mrs,
Gaddle, quoting from the advertise
ment in the paper. "How ridicu
lous!" "Why so?" inquired her hus-
band,
mall?
mall."-
"Why, how can you 'shop' by
You can only buy things by
-Philadelphia Press.
JIgley "We were talking about
suburban cottages, and Subbubs re
marked that the only thing they
ever dreamed of out his way in Bog
hurst was Queen Anne." Cltiman
"The Idea! Is that the way he pro
nounces it now?" JIgley "Pro
nounces what?" Citlman "Qui
nine?." Philadelphia Press.
Extremes in Envelopes.
i nuts us nrsi ume i ever soia a
single envelope," said a young woman
at a big stationer's store in the city's
centre, "I've always sold them in
packages, but that gentleman came
In with a letter In his hand and asked
for an envelope, and I sold him one
for a cent. I Imagine that's the
smallest sale that has been made la
this establishment since it opened.
The biggest I ever made happened
to be in the envelope line, too. A
rather roughly dressed man came in,
asked to see our envelopes and want
ed to know the price by the thousand.
I told him. Then he asked the price
by the million. I got the figures
from our manager, who smiled as he
gave them to me. Yet the man or
dered a million envelopes and when
we asked for reference he said he
would as lief pay the bill on the spot
which he did from a roll of yel
lowback notes about the size of a
loaf of bread. We delivered the en
velopes, but haven't seen the pur
chaser since." Philadelphia Record.
Sauce For the Gander.
The modern wife is beginning to
astonish the modern husband. A
man came .home, at 3 a. m. He took
off hU shoes on the front doorstep.
Then he unlocked the door and went
cautiously upstairs on tiptoe, holding
his breath. But light was streaming
through the keyhole of the bedroom
door. With a sigh he paused. Then
he opened the door and entered. His
wife stood by the bureau, fully
dressed. "I didn't expect you'd be
sitting up for me, my dear," he said.
"I haven't been." she said. "I just
came in myself."- New. Voice.