A new trick pen has n explosive on
1he point to startle would-be user. It
will 1e devoted to writing snappy
paragraphs.
Mors than 20,01)0,000 acres of land
tu the United States nre owned by the
aristocracy of Englnnd. The heirs
of Viscount Scully own n, 1)00, 000
acres In lllnoi-i, loWo, Kansas, and
Nebraska.
Pupils in tlin itilii schools of Co
penhagen, Denmark, are i nquired to
take three baths week in the public.
School building, and while they nro
bathing their clothes nre sterilized in
a steam oven. The Pane object to
the regulation on the ground thnt it
makes the children discontented with
their home surroudings.
The advocates of woman's rights
liove reason to exult today, 'A woman
who started life as a slave linn
made hersolf the ncknowleded ruler
of the countless mill ions of China.
This queeu not only rules but gov
erns. In the apotheosis of Tuen, the
oldest nation of the world betters the
most advanced theories of the newest.
The civilized nations of the globe
liave just been taught the superb e 111
clency and great practical value of
' this government's sigual service. Its
work in the West Indies by serving
the regions threatened by the recent
hurricane with twenty-four hours' ad
vance notice of its approach was the
means of saving thousands of human
lives and protecting incalculable mil
lions of property.
The Greek government has prepared
bill to establish an "Antiquities
Oendarmerie," the special fuuctiou of
which will be the guardianship of the
national Greek antiquities, including
places where no excavations are at
present in progress, in the interest of
the Greek people. Every man who
aball be admitted to this corps is to
possess a certain degree of nccissary
cn It nre, iu order that he may under
stand what is confided to his observa
tion and protection.
Iu western Austria they pnsh the
equality of the sexes to a conclusion
that would satisfy ereu the most ar
dent "equal righters." In that laud
the men act on the principle that if
women demand men's privileges they
' miiBt take with them meu's responsi
bilities. Accordingly, a bench of
magistrates have charged a woman
, with deserting ber husbaud, and what
is more, they have sent her to prison
for a month because aha steadfastly
refused to contribute to the domestic
comfort of her life partner. A philos
opher once remarked that humau be
ings should have a care for what they
wished, for that tliiug would surely
come to them.
The Utica Press says: As to the fi
nancial pare oi it it ne war), tue situa
tion is not less gratifying. Nothing
more than inconvenience iu using
stamps is experienced from the special
war revenue taxes. The people are
aot complaining of their burdens,
f he war loan bond issue was not halt
big enough to accommodate all the
would-be investors. Another and an
other of the same size would be as
quickly subscribed. The resources
f the United States have not been
jested to a tenth of their capacity.
What has been done has not noticea
bly interfered with the usual run of
.flairs iu any community. The war
las beeji only an interesting and some
times exciting inoideut in the United
States. The foreigners who wouder
It American achievements in tha war
ihonld visit the .country and see for
themselves how really limitless its re
sources are.
The almost marvellous growth of
trolley railroads iu this country is
graphically presented iu some curreut
figures, comparing mileage iu this
couutry with that in conutries beyond
the sea. Communities here may be
contrasted with conutiies there. For
instance, Allegheny county in Penn
sylvania has 8U miles of electric rail-
- ways. . Other communities may - be
as well or better supplied, but it is
Instructive to not that Allegheny's
mileage ia more than one-fifth of that
of all the trolleys on the continent of
Europe. It ia greater than that of
ell the electric lines of France, more
then three times that of the linea iu
England, Scotland and Wales, and
nearly one-half that of Germany,
which latter country has about one
half of the entire mileage of 1422
VmUea of Europe. France follow Ger
tihwy with 216 miles; theu comes
Greet Britain with 07, followed by
Switzerland, Italy, aud Austria-Hungary
with 90, 82, aud 06 miles re
epeotively, The mileage of other
(eoaBtriea ia small, running low as
Ieea than two mile in Holland aud
Portugal
THE -CULTURED MAID.
Blnee JMsy cams from gay New York
Most everything Is ehnnged,
Tbny'vn turnml the fnruihoiiss lnM ou
i And fixed and renmingnd.
1 stooil the nnw-stylecnners '
Till the budding social queen
1'lttml out Imr father's parlor
A Is I, mils thn fourteen.
The clinlrs sre mndo so very frnll
Vnn darn not ilrnw a breath.
Ami all so sill! you can't forgot
Hhn's now K-lis-nlicih,
Ainl In plane of that olil snfn,
W horo nt ensn I uiil to IfMin,
Htanilw a s liiillii-h'Kifiiil divnu
A la l.ouls tin) fourteen.
A Stirrinn InciJtnt of Lift Among
nr wit.To nix ash
Hud litckt Hard work, sand and
sun in profusion, wnter alarmingly
scarce aud gold scurccrl Hitch is the
lot of the Austrnlin'i gold minur.
True, there are exeepti m, w hen gold
enn be picked up for tlio troubln of
stooping mill food and wnter freely
purchased at reasonable prices. Hut,
lieiug exceptions, theso canes only go
to prove the rule. And so there is
nothing surprising in tho fact that
three diggers, w ith whom we nre now
concerned, found themselves on the
very edge of tho Great Victorian des
ert in West Australia with pockets
none too full and themselves often
empty. They toiled patiently on
agaiust persistent ill-luck, hoping that
each day might bring the turning
point iu the tide of their affairs which
would lead t fortune.
An Eugishmnn, boyishly hopeful;
n Irishman, humorously despondent,
and an Australian with a strong an
tipathy to discuss his ancestors' ori
gin his grandfather had journeyed
from England at the expense of tho
government made up the party.
Their camp lay nt place callod"llrook,"
in the neighborhood of Mount Weld.
To the east the great sandy deserts
stretched right away ns far as the eye
could reach in billowy sandhills
clotted withspiuifex lonely, arid, im
penetrable. To tho north lay low
ranges and stony plains, unknown,
but seemingly good for gold. Thither
they daily journeyed looking for likely
spots, with variable luck mostly in
different. Ou a certain day the Irishman, hav
ing wnndered farther than his wont,
was led by 'fickle fortune into the
midst of a perfect paradise of reefs.
Kindly-looking quartz grid-ironed and
iutorsected the couutry for fully a
square mile.
Pat stood and looking round pulled
thoughtfully nt his scrubby beard and
muttered:
"Great Christopher! Here we've
beeu toiliug to the ' tune of three
or four weights a day wheu
within two dozen miles there lay a
sort of natural Bunk of England,
stuffed fnll of gold aud oura for the
asking!" ,
Selecting a likely-looking rock of a
dark ferruginous color, he gave a con
venient corner a crack with the poll
end of his pick. OH' flew a fragment,
which he examined carefully with the
aid of a pocket lens,
"Good gold!"
But where there was quartz as rich
as this, Pat knew that better could
not be far. This would prove to be a
"stringer" or "gash vein," one of
several overflowings of a grent parent
reef miming through them all. He
was right Ouly a few minutes' walk
brought him to a thick reef of quartz
runuiug north and south and crossing
all the others. This was the "parent."
Selecting a conveniently crumbled
part, Pat knocked off a corner. Even
before picking up the severed rock he
oould see the gold shining in bright
beads. ,
"Be me sowl," he said, "that'a koiud
stono!"
With a crack hekuocked off another
lump and broke it iu two. Pat gasped.
It was simply permeated with particles
of gold. This was enough for Pat
O'Lochlin. That gold iu unwonted
abundance was here he now felt sure.
The next thing was to secure it for
himself aud his mates.
Tweuty-fotir acres is the full extent
of one man's claim. This must, be
pegged out with four small stakes, a
notice' put up and the fact registered
at the office of the neighbouring war
den. In case of two claimants, the
one who first aitcceeds in registering
his title is, ipso fanto, iu possession
of the miner's rights over the claim
iu question.
Having made certain of the value of
his find, Pat looked for pegs with whioh
to mark the ground. He soon secured
four from a dead nialga tree, two of
which he rammed into the ground at
the proper distance and proceeded,
with the remaining couple over his
shoulder,' to step out the number of
yards uecessary to cover a full claim.
As he walked he wnistled and men
tally patted himself on the back as the
cleverest digger in the colony. In
fact, Pat felt at that moment as prond
as though he himself had iut the
gold in the reef and made the vest df
West Australia as well. Such is thfe
miner's way. Wheu gold is soiree If
curses his ill-luck, the country; the
aun, the absence of water anything!
But, when his claim is rich, yielding
ounces a week, and he finds himself
on the high way to fortuue, be never
then suggests that plain strength and
stupiduess might account for his luck,
or that anyone but the miuer himself
is aocjuutable for the fact of gold
beiug jold or its presence iu the par
ticular spot where he has found it. '
Here Pat had come, all by himself,
much farther thau anyoue else had
ever dreamed of peueti sting. . No
oue, not a mau in the couutry, had
ver suspected what Pat, of course, to
You flan not illm alsntrls lights,
To airs your nerves a shnwi
Thn doors nre now all port-nys-nlrs,
You're bound to whisper lowr
Hut chairs nre stunk on spp'rnln mnts
With wniml floors In Iwtweent
Oh! yon enn't mnke love In parlors - '
A In Louts the fourteen.
Yon pnn't drop In promiscuous like,
To nlmt n little whllni
You've koI to wear your Rmitliiy duds '
To flhimo In with illiM style.
Bo I must glvn up lbtv,
For she, as Mtstrnss Ori'en.
lllglit want my parlor fiiriil-hi'il
A In l.ouls tim fourtiin.
Charles M. Jlryan, In I'link,
1
thi Australian ColJ-Pionrt.
v. t. KKitiimor..
he told himself, had well known for
long that this was the spot of spots,
the only claim worth calling n claim,
nn Eldorndo, a miner's Meal, n para
dise, iu short, Pat's claim. Who but
Pat, clever Pat, would ever huvo
thought for a moment of looking for
gold in this wild w ilderness, where
man had surely never trod before?
Surely no oue!
Ne one. Ho far ns I'ut knew, no
one. Half the distance hnd been
paced, nud Pitt grew more elated ns
lie walked. He saw himself nud bis
chums each twice a millionaire, it
w as so easy.
They would be nil alone. Among
them they might take up the greater
part of the reef, and then they had
only to work for it for they hnd none
to disturb them.
Hnddeuly Pat's auriferous specula
tions came to a full stop with his feet.
His keen biislnnnn's ear hnd detected a
sound. A rattling pebble, n crack of
a (lend, dry twig. Pat knew he wns
not alone. Thou, peeping out from
the scrub, he saw a face. He was
being watched. A few strides brought
him to the intruder, who sprang to his
feet nt Pat's approach. For fully a
minute they stood and stared, each
just as much astonished as the other.
Simultaneously tliey found speech,
aud each inquired of the other what
he was doing ou his claim.
The dialogne theu became involvod.
The stranger threw down the two
pegs which he also was carrying and
offered pugilisticnlly to "Are" Pat
out if he didn't shift. Pat, without
shifting, summed up in a few well
chosen Words his opinion of the
stranger. The stranger responded by
comparing Pat to several unpleasant
animals. This was merely preliminary
and to show independence. Having
done so, Pat felt able to propose with
out prejudice that, as each seemed to
have found the claim simultaneously,
a partnership and division of profits
would be the fairest and most amicable
way out of the difficulty.
"Your claim, indeed! Geordie
Maxwell, ye are. Ye think I don't
know yel Well, we've got to know
all sorts iu this uncivilized, land! Sure,
what do yer meau?" he said. "Wasn't
I here at the same instant as yourself
and before? Haven't I two pegs
down and two with me, like yourself?
Half it I've got, and half it I'll have,
friendly or otherwise. So think of
that, Maxwell!"
Maxwell pushed Tat roughly aside,
consigning him aud bis half to unde
sirable localities. Said he:
"It's the whole hog with me, or
nothing!"
"Let it be uothing.then!" said Pat,
and, striding ou with his pegs, be
placed them at the corners of his
claim. Maxwell did the same. Both
then placed the necessary notice, and
Pat made the best of his way baok to
camp, as he came, on foot. He had
five miles to go and conld get there as
soon as the interloper, of that he felt
sure. ,
But Pat had not gone far before he
heard a muffled, scrambling noise be
hind and turning saw his rival,
mounted on a native pony a brumby
close on him. It was a matter of
time. The brumby could go. Pat
knew that. And he was ou foot, with
his rival on horseback and the first at
the warden's office to get the claim.
Pat bemoaned his, luck. Then drop
ping on his knee and pulling his re
volver from hia belt, bethought him
evilly of the advantages to be gained,
of the bad luck he had met hitherto.
Was he to starve because men, with
brumbies hiddeu iu the bush, spied ou
him and wrested from him, by a quib
ble of law, what was rightly his own?
Was be to lose his hard-found fortune
or ?
No! He slipped the revolver back.
Pat wonld none of - it not 'in that
way. The first at the wardeu'a office
should wiu. A pony oould gallop;
but. there was a camel-pad right down
to the .township, ' and well, Pat had
an Idea. Scarcely more than three-,
qn al ters of au hour bad elasped when
Pat dashed' into camp, covered with
sweat and dust.
"Pall What's np?'
"A dhrink, boys! A dhrink! Then
perhaps I'll speak. "
They gave him a pannikin of wnter,
at which he took great gulps, while
they gazed astonished at a lump of
quartz he banded them la exchange.
ran wnereaia yer get it?"
Never yer mindl Tell me" Pat
was still gasping "have yer set eyes
on Geordie Maxwell this hour?"
The old Australian looked serious,
turned over the plug of tobacco he
was ohewing, spat and aaid: '
"George ia gone. Passed on hia
gray brumby this hour ago." Then,
after a pause: "He meaut getting
there." ' ' . .
"Gittin there, is it?" aaid' Pat,
jumhing to his feet. "Gittin' there!
Yer don't gather my meaning."
"I do!" aaid the Australian.
"Theu yer meau he's getting there
first? Look at the apeo'men. There's
tons and tons of it. Getting there
first? Well, so lie inn v. but ws'va
wot to be there before biin!"
I- 'I'liA liTlinllali laillta .una nai'nal
more than a boy pricked up his ears.
"Is it gold yer've fonnd, Pnt?"
"Good gold," the colonial answered,
curtly. "Good gold ss ever I see. Hut
Geordie's gone. There's no patching
him. Did yer come ncross the claim
together like'"
"We did," said Pnt.
'"Tlioti," mused the colonial, "It's
ours as much ns it is his by right nud,
who's to say, not more? Hut the
brtiuiby is his ns well, and there's no
catching that, for we've not got a one
in tho camp. There's no catching
him."
"I think " the Englishman be
gan. "No use! Thinking won't stop
George. Home yenrs ago ho might ha'
been stopped . . . my father . , .
I've heard him say . . . Well, he
knew men! Still,Oeorlic's gone."
"I'll latch him, I will! I rode a
quad in England I was a 'pro,' you
know. But I rode big machines for
shillings a week and made the pace
for worse mnii than myself who esruod
their pounds. I've got my old ma
chine in camp. It's a veteran, but I
can push It, I can!"
Put stood up and smiled, for this
was his idea: The bicycle against the
horse.
"Here, bring it out!" The Ind wos
stripped to his waist already it didn't
take him long. He had little to shift,
He took his bicycle from willing
hands. With n leap and scramble he
wns into the saddle.
"Mnuut Margaret, you any?"
"Mount Margaret. And luck to
yer!"
The English boy knew well the im
portance of saving himself. He hnd
done his share of pacing for many a
record bout of CO or 101) miles. He
was out of breath to start with, but
thnt was from pride aud excitement.
It t like ol I times again. He would
race mid win gold for his partners and
himself. He had not done much for
the partnership ns yet, but now he'd
show them that Englishmen. . . .
But, steady. He must got his wind.
The path wns smooth worn smooth
by camels' feet but daugerously nar
row and winding. But what did that
matter to a "steerer" who could gnide
a "qnnd" nt 80 miles an hour without
swerving from a chnlk-liue? This
was not hnlf so bad ns taking a triplet
round the Olympia course in Loudon,
and that be could do right easily.
Sternly! Steady! You're not at the
Crystal Palace now, with half a dozen
multicycles ready to take you on and
shield you from the wind. Steady!
Hut keep on riding. No time to lose.
Phoo! the snnl Awful! He wished
he had kept his shirt on. Piug,plug!
And so close ou au hour passed. Now
comparatively fresh, now seemingly
done; slow now, then fast ngaiu, aud,
still there was nothing on the horizon
but Siud nud sky.
Stay! There! Bight straight ahead.
No, it was gone. Yes, there it was
agnin a cloud of dust. A tiny cloud,
but full of hope for the boy, for, as he
went, it traveled still boforo.
Ha, ha! The dust grew near. Took
shape. It was the horse and on it.no
doubt, Geordio Maxwell, the man he
must pass. Was his horse beat? Why
was he going so slow? Ride, ridel
but still steady, steady, for there was
distance to be traveled still.
J list theu the pad ruu round the great
Salt lake that lies to the north of
Mount Margaret. The bicycle came
close aud closer, but the horseman
seemed at a loss. At length they
came together, and then the cyolist
saw his advantage. The edge of the
lake, for some way rolind.was crusted
with salt, a coating thicker than ice,
but not so strong. Could oue get over
this, miles might be saved and the race
won. Maxwell had tried and failed.
His horse was too heavy for the salt
and sunk in, almost helpless.
The English boy took stock. The
brumby did uot sink over much, but
just enough to check his speed.
Geordie had wasted much valuable
time in takiug this short cut. Still,
the salt whicji would, not bear the
horse would carry the bicycle and its
rider. Ho, while Maxwell wallowed as
best he conld to firmer ground, the
cyclist sailed ahead, taking a cut across
a corner of the lnke. Theu all seemed
safe, until, looking, the lad espied
another cloud of dust. Yea,there were
two. The oue was Maxwell's, who was
following as bast he could, and the
other came along the track from the
west. They met and stopped.
' A change of horses. - Maxwell had
awopped with one of those belongiug
to the newcomers. Now ride, if ever
you did. No matter the ann. No mat
ter the dust and aw eat which cliug
rouud your eyes, halt blinding you.
Bide, Englishman, ridel The fresh
horse drew ou and on, but Maxwell
was urging it beyond its strength, aud
the knowledge that he was doing "so
seemed to mnke him more than ever
frantic. He conld not save himself
ha could notsave the horse. He must
have the claim no matter who had
to suffer.
Gradually the horse caught up and
turned aside among the rocks, and
then another short struggle and it was
past and o the track- again, thia time
ahead. Bnt atill the cyolist kept close
at his heels, looking now to the right,
now to the left, anxiously watching
for a chnnoe to pass. ,
Did Maxwell kuow the ohanoe must
come? Did he feel bis horse giving
way aud see that the cycliist had set
tlod down to ride "for ever," as he
himself would i ay? Perhaps he did,
for.galloping ahead for a few, yards,he
pulled up and, leaping from the saddle,
rolled a great rock right in the path.
The cyclist saw it just in time, but had
to dismoun', To xrge from the nar
row path meant rocke and brekau
limbs and bnckled whtls. So the
horse still kept ahead. .
Again another rock rolled In the
path. Dismount once more. Then
on again, And bo again and again.
How long could this go on, mid w hich
would tire first? But, stay, the pnee
hnd been hot, and the brumby, not
over fresli at the start, wns tiring. Ho
was the Englishman. A few more
scrnmbles on nud ofT, a few more lift
ings of the machine over obstrnctions
placed iu his way, nud he would be
done.
Maxwell slackened pace again. He
was going to dismount, (lure more ha
wss going to block tho way, or, if that
failed, tackle the cyclist as ho passed
by. Tho lad was desperate. He
could stand a fnir race, but if it came
to a fight be meant having the first
blow. So he whipped out hia revolver
and spurting till he wns close to the
horse, let fly a heavy bnllet right be
hind its slioulilor, nuil the niiimal
dropped with a crash, stone dead.
An hour Inter he hnd put iu his ap
plication and obtained the necessary
papers for a reef claim; anil should
you travel Hint pad from Mount Mar
garet to Mount Weld you will hear as
you pass along the thunder of the five
head of heavy stamps pounding the
quartz and yielding three nice fat
cakes of gold fortnightly for the
plucky iiion who found the claim nud
mnile it their own with the help of a
bicycle. The largest shareholders are
an Englishman, boyishly hopeful; nn
Irishman, humorously despondent,
and au Australian, who still has an an
tipathy to discuss atavism. The
Wide World Magazine.
FITTING UPJTROOPSHIPS.
Iiiiinrlnt I'rxpnrntlnn Now I nilrr Wnf
In the NsT.r.
The fitting up of troopships is oue
of the most important preparations
under wny iu the navy department.
The unexpected call to send soldiers
to Santiago fonnd the government
with no suitable transports for troops,
and to this fact was largely due the
horrors of the returning ships loaded
with sick nud wounded. The main
tenance of garrisons in distant islands
makes it necessary for the government
in the future to have regularly equip
ped troopships instead of hastily pick
ing up merchantmen and cattle freight
boats, as early iu the war. The plans
already runde indicate that the troop
ships will have every reasonable pro
vision for the health and comfort of
soldiers at sea. The Mobile, for ex
ample, will be lighted with electricity.
It will have a large distilling appar
atus to furnish pure water. There
wilt be ample refrigerator room to
keep meat mid vegetables fresh. The
rnessroom of the men will be so ar
ranged that the tables cnu be folded
against the walls and the room used
as a gymnasium, for which purpose
there will be proper apparatus'.
The bunks will be supplied with
mattresses as well as blankets and
mny be folded against the sides of the
ship, affording a roomy promenade.
These quarters will be provided with
bathrooms. The ship will be fitted
with a hospital having seventy-six
cots. Tho hospital will have a com
plete dispensary, an operating room
and nt least two bathrooms. There
will be nn opeu-nir promenade for the
men and awnings to protect invalids
while taking an airing. There will
be accommodations for eighty-four
officers and a bathroom for about every
twenty of them. Amoug the vessels
to undergo this transformation are the
Michigan, Mississippi, Manitoba, Mas
sachusetts and Minnewaskn. The Ob
dam, "Panama aud Boumania may also
be used. It is the aim of the govern
ment to have some of the finest troop
ships afloat, aud it has excellent boats
among its transports for that purpose.
The. troops who sail iu these refitted
ships will have little cause for com
plaint. QUAINT AND CURIOUS.
Chinese coinage iu the shape of a
knife has been traced back as far as
2240 B. C.
The leauiug tower of Pisa was built
in the twelfth century, and is thirteeu
feet out of perpeudioulnr.
A canal connecting the Mediterra
nean with the Bed sea existed as early
as 600 years before the Christian eru.
Its length is niuety-two miles.
From China $150,000 worth of hu
man hair is exported annually. It
comes mostly from, the heads of male
factors, pauper aud dead people.
An Elizabethan seal-top silver spoon
weighing one ounce aud a half was
sold in London recently for $150; that
is, 9100 an ounce. This is a record
price for old silver.
The Victoria lily of Guiana has a
circular leaf from 6 feet to 12 iu diame
ter. It is turned up at the edge like
a tray, aud cau support, aocordiug to
its size, from 100 to 300 pounds.
The sea-oucuinber, one of the enri
ons jelly bodies that inhabit the oceau,
can practically efface itself wheu iu
dauger, by squeezing the water out of
ita body and forcing itself into a nar
row crack, so narrow as not to be vis
ible to the naked eye.
Th HorrJbU Fart.
"Ob," she said, "I had a horrible
dream last night. And and you were
apart of it."
"I?" he exclaimed.
"Yes; I dreamed you and I were
nlone together upon a deerted
is'and."
"Welt," he replied, as he arose to
go, "if that'a your idea of a horrible
dream I guess J may as well be say
iug good-by."
"But wait," she cried, "until you
have heard all. You were standing ou
the beach waving your coat as a sig
nal for help."
When he left three hours later a
great change had eouie into hie life,
Chicago News,
THE S0N0 Of THE CORN.
I wss dry and dusty,
I wss weak snd wesry;
Bow I'm glad and lusty,
And thn earth looks obeery.
Oh, thssnnklng,
Mlrth-provnklng.
t.atifthtT-msklng rnlnt
Holt and silky.
Mil. I nnd mliky,
Grows my golden grata. ,
Listen lo the laughter
Thnt my learns are making
Vhim tho winds come nftur
Kisses, softly slinking.
Oh, hpsllh-glving,
llmntlilnif, living,
llnnven-poiirliig rain!
('nmo, enrrss m,
KIfs lim, bless mil, '
Ones and onus again ! ,
Let your hearts he dinning.
I'enl your pnonns, iwopisi t '
fnt the Joy bulls ringing
In thn lolty stflrplesi
I'mIso reudnr
To thn Hnliilnr
Of thn Joyous min
or thn living,
Thn llfn-glvlng,
Of thn iireiilims rsln ! '
Han Francisco Chronicle.
HUMOROUS.
Long range practice Twenty years'
experience as a cook.
Hhe Thnt wnr bognn the very day
we were married. He Most mar
ried couples can say that.
"I always like to fan myself with a
sheet of good music." "Why?" "Oh,
there is considerable air in it."
"Does it hurt a dog to pat bim over
the head?" "Depends Whether you do
it with a feather or n baseball bnt."
"Whnt is the highest applause that
can be bestowed upon you iu the the
atre?" "Applause from the gallery."
Life is short only fonr letters in it.
Some oue has noticed that, curiously,
three-quarters of it is a "lie" aud a
tfalf of it is an "if."
"The wnr," she ssid reflectively,
"brought about, or at least hurried, a
great many marriagos." "True," he
replied, "but why dwell ou the hor
rors of war?"
First Man I wonder why these buns
are called "liuth" buna? Second Dit
to Don't know, I'm sure, unless it ia
because they are hard enough to scrub
yourself with.
"Dear. Charlie," wrote a volunteer'a
sweetheart, "what a lovely lot of
kisses 1 will give wheu you get home.
I have beeu practicing all the time
you were gone !"
Wife John, is it true that you In
vited our cook's soldier-lover to my
birthday dinner? Husband Certain
ly. I did uot want him to get the beat
morsels of every dish.
"The loat is sinking 1" he cried.
"We must take to the water !" "Im
possible," she answered. "I've mis
laid my oiled silk bathing cap and my
hair would get all wet."
Magistrate (sieruiy) You are a
pitiable specimen of hnmanity, What
brought you to all this degradation
ud disgrace? Prisoner (proudly)
It took three polu eineu.
Motlie.' Johuify, you go right to
bed! Johnny Yessum; but you bet
yer lifo wheu I get big I'll join a olub
like pa belongs to, and then I won't
have t' go t' bed at nil if I don't want
to.
"Pride and dignity are all right,"
remarked the philosopher, "but a lit
tie work now and then was uever
kuowu to hurt anybody." And he
continued rocking the cradle with hia
foot.
"I think," said the star boarder,
"that patriotism can be carried too
fur. "For instance?" queried the
third floor front. "Well, there is n
reason why the landlady should per
sist iu feeding us on aftny rutions."
"If you'll always give me full
awing," observed the pendulum, "you.
will uevor have any trouble with your
bunds." "I don't know," replied the
clock. "If it wasn't for your goiug
tuck aud forth iu my works I never
iunld huve any strikes."
Barber I've got a preparation that
siil prevent your hair from falling
tut. Customer But you are bald
ieaded yourself. Burber That'a
ery true lint you overlook the fact,
ir, that a bald-headed man is never
roubled with hair fulling out.
A lady told a schoolboy to name the
.resident, aud when he replied that
te couldn't the teucher raid, "WTieu
i was as old us you I could name all
:he presidents in their order. " The
ooy replied w ith more cuudor thun
politeueis, "There were ouly a few
presidents theu."
.Voliln l.imlV Man Trlik.
Of William ami John Scott, after
ward Lord Stowell aud Lord Eltou.
Lord John Russell used to tell thi
story: Wheu they were young nieu at
the bar, having had a stroke of pro
fessional luck, they determined to.
celebrate the occasion by having a
dinuer at the taveru and going to the
play. When it was time to calt'for"
the reckoning William Scott dropped
a guinea. He and his brother searched
for it iu vain, and came to the o uctii
sion that it had fallen between the
boards of the ttacarpeted floor.
"This is a bad job," aaid William,
"we must give up the play."
".Stop a bit," said John. "I know
a trick worth two of that," aud h
called a waitress.
"Betty," said be, "we've dropped
two guineas. See if you cau Mud
them." Betty went down ou her
hands and knees aud found the on
guinea, which had rolled under the
fetider.
"That's a very good girl, Betty,"
aaid John Soott, pocketiug the coin,
"and when you fiud the other you cau
keep it for your trouble." Aud the
prudent brothera weut with light
hearts to the play, aud so eventually
to the bench aud the woolsack. Sew
York Tribune,
Y