PAGE 0
TUB OITIZKN, FIUDAY, FKMiUAUY 10, 1012.
IF IE BUY
A Boston Reproof.
A ivell known educator (ells of a
scliuol of advanced Ideas in Hoslon
"wherein no imill l.i ever punished In
any wny. (he Individuality of every
child bcliiK held too sacred for repres
iton. One day. It appears, soon nftcr her
tutrnnee Into this school one little girl
enruo home with u face wet with tears
nd her mouth covered with blood.
The mother was greatly alarmed
nd, taking the child Into her arms,
asked what had happened.
Tho story of what had happened was
fobbed out to the sympathetic mother.
One Sammy Parker. It seemed, had
truck the little girl nd knocked out
couple of teeth.
When the unfortunate youngster had
been restored to equanimity her fa
ther, who had in tho meantime put in
an nppearance, naturally enough want
ed to know how the teacher had dealt
with Sammy.
"She didn't do anything."
"Well, what did she say?"
"She called Sammy to her desk and
aald, 'Samuel, don't you know that
was very antisocial?' "Harper's Mag
azine. Breaking It to John.
There are various ways, polite and
otherwise, of Intimating to n late stay
ing friend that he is exceeding tho
time limit, but perhaps tho most unique
of thcc is that which originated in
the fertile mind of n Washington man.
Not long ago he had a relative In
town, a good fellow, but a bit of a
bore, for he never seemed to know
when to go back to his hotel. Tho
Wnshingtonian and his wife were most
patient with him, but one evening the
host felt that the case required dras
tic treatment. Accordingly, when 11, 12
and 1 o'clock had passed and the visi
tor showed no signs of leaving, the
host, with an affected air of great con
aideration, turned to his wife and said:
"Marie, dear, hadn't wo better get
up to bed? Cousin John may want to
bo going." Llppincott's Magazine.
Hoots From a Wise Owl.
There are never any deductions from
the wages of sin. They nre paid in
full.
A joke Is not necessarily a crazy one
because It is cracked.
In some grades of society it Is the
Impossible person who Is tho most
probable.
In courtship many a man fails to
land on Ills feet until ho has fallen on
his knees.
Speaking of oratory, did you ever ob
serve that tho telephone book Is full of
ringing addresses? Judge.
The California Brand.
Colvin Ilrown told of the California
brand of optimism. An old negro, he
aid, had been kicked In the head by
a mule. As soon as he got up he went
right back to the mule. lie approach
ed the danger end.
"Keep away from that mule, nigger,"
called his boss. "He'll hurt you."
"That mule's all right, Mr. Brown,"
aald the negro. "It stan's to reason
no mule got more than one kick like
that in him." Cincinnati Times-Star.
Charmedl
Householder By Jove, a real bur
glar! I say, just wait a minute, will
you?
Burglar While yer call a copper? I
don't think!
Householder No. Only while I call
my wife. She's heard you every night
for twenty years, and It'll bo a real
pleasure to her to see you at last.
Bystander.
A Barometer.
"Bliggins" friendship seema to flatter
you."
"It doesn't flatter me," said the cynl
cal statesman, "but it encourages me.
He is one of thuso people who never
trouble themselves to be affable er
cept to those who are regarded as 11a
ble to have some pull." Washington
Star.
To His Personal Knowledge.
Desk Sergeant What did you put
that fortune teller out of business for?
Police Inspector She's n humbug. I
tried to And out from her what had
become of the diamoud pin I lost the
other day, and she gave mo tho wrong
ateer. Chicago Tribune.
Why He Wanted It.
"Can't you gimme a small raise?"
"We gave you a raise when you got
rmmied."
"And I foolishly told my wife about
It. I'd like to get hold of a couple of
dollars every week for my own uso."
Kansas City Journal.
Rebellion.
"You dare to criticise my gowns!"
exclaimed Mrs. Klimgllt.
"Well," replied her husband reso
lutely, "after hearing you refer to your
pet bulldog as n perfect beau'y I'm In
clined to rely on my own Judgment."
Chicago Journal.
Honest Milkman,
The I.ady How much milk doea the
old cow give a day. Tom?
Tom About eight quarts, ma'am.
The I.ady And how much of that do
you s'll?
Tom About twelve quarts, ma'am.
Sketch.
His Plea.
Judso Prisoner, have you anything
further to add to your defense?
Prisoner All that 1 ask you to cou
slcJpr. your honor. Is the extreme youth
of uiv counsel. Los Aii'-'eles Herald.
"Poor Jane is In despair,"
"What's the nuii.-r with .li.nc?"
"Why. she lias just begun to realize
that she's (on fat for an actress nnu
aot fat enough for a prima donna."
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
"Did you get any of thai, bargain
ribbon?" "Yes." ails wend the college
girl proudly. "I bucked the line for
ten yards." Purple Cow.
The lenchor BlrflicJ. "I would that 1
In discipline might e'er approach
Tho fond obedience, rendered by
My pupils to tho football coach!"
Washington Star.
Blobbs Guzzler Is an Infernal skep
tic. Ho says hu believes only half he
sees.
Slobhs Oh, well, Guzzler generally
sees doublo anyhow. Philadelphia ltoe
ord. "Let's drop In this restaurant." "Oh.
I don't believe I care to eat anything!"
"Weil, come in and get a now hat for
your old one, anyway." St. Paul Pioneer-Press.
In daya of old, when knlfihts were bold,
They dressed In mall complete.
When breezes cold blew o'er tho wold
They must have had cold foot.
Mllwaukeo Sentinel.
Carsone Who was It said "deeds
speak louder than words?" Gcbhardt
Must have been a real estate agent.
Satire.
Wo are not susceptible to seasickness
and wo are decidedly apathetic about
pleasantries on that theme, but we do
wish that newspapers would cease to
speak of societies "holding dinners."
It suggests too much. New York Mall.
A flvo foot shelf of books he Got
Somehow his courago flinches.
For, though ho much admires the lot.
Ho hasn't read three Inches.
Washington Star.
"I understand they nre going to re
vise the football rules right away."
"Yes. They all agree there should bo
an entirely new assortment of acci
dents." Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Settlement Worker Here, here!
What are you swearing at that littlo
boy for? New York Kid Aw, I'm
teaching him English! ne jist come
over. Puck.
The north wind doth blow, and we shall
have snow.
And what will the Iceman do then, poor
thing?
Lest his lot he too hard, he will start a
coal yard
And gouge the consumer again, poor
thing!
Llppincott's Magazine.
Mrs. A. Your husband always dress
es so quietly.
Mrs. B. lie does not. You ought to
hear him when he loses a collar button.
Milwaukee News.
"Kicking Is bad policy. Heboid the
mule. Kicking never gets him any
where." "That Is exactly why tho
mule kicks." "Eh?" "Ho doesn't
want to get anywhere." Birmingham
Age-nerald.
'TIs sweet to love, but, oh, how aour
To love a girl with scanty dower!
Judge.
King Arthur had just invented the
round table.
"Fine," wo cried, "but can you in
vent one where nobody gets the chick
en neck?" New York Sun.
Crawford How's your mining ven
ture getting on?
Skinnem First rate. I never imag
ined we bad such a good mine until 1
read the prospectus wo Issue. Llppin
cott's Magazine.
The college songs are full of glee.
The singers' voices rare and clost-
Tliey sing so high we cannot see
And then so low we cannot heart
Buffalo Express.
"Europe holds a lot of our stocks and
bonds."
"Invests her cash with us, eh?"
"Not much cash. Gets most of 'em
by marriage." Washington Herald.
Boggle Why do you envy Gladys so?
Peggy She Is happily married and has
two of the dearest littlo toy dogs you
ever saw. Puck.
"A fireman Is no spark for me"
Tho words wcro pretty name's
"I could't keep the lad, you see,
Away from other flames."
Boston Transcript.
Wigwag Did you sco anything ex
traordinary on your trip abroad?
Guzzler No; I wasn't seeing things. 1
limited myself strictly to ten drinks a
day. Philadelphia Record.
"Everything must some day come to
an end."
"I gue.s you've never had a woman
start a tulk with you over tho phone."
Pittsburgh Press.
"This world ls but a fleeting show
For man's Illusion given."
Wo have to coax the weaker sex,
Because It won't be driven.
Houston Post.
"How Is It I never hear ,vtu speak of
your old college days?"
'Well, the college I went to didn't
have a very good football team."
Louisville Courier-Journal.
Teacher (class In geography) Bobby,
what are the principal feeders of the
Mississippi river?
Bobby Catfish, ma'am. Chicago
Tribune.
When Handel had Insomnia
In place of counting sheep
He wrqtft a' lullaby and so
Composed himself to sleep.
HUMOROUS QUIPS
Her Report.
I have been to n suffragist mectltis
And heard Mm. Solomon speak.
She's a perfect iIpIIbIu,
And 1 know that she's right;
Every word that she said bears rcpentlri :
There's a dimple Just lie'iu in her diet-
She Is slender ad fair titid ultu piclty
And not over thirty. 1 gui'H.
With a. retrousse nose
And a wonderful pore.
I am going to Join her committee
She Is surely an artist In dress.
The crowd I There was standing roon
only.
Ther gaTo her unstinted applause.
She made quito u hit
With her logic and wit.
The only man thero looked so lonely!
Tre, I'm a convert to tho causo.
She wore a Parisian creation.
She said? I've forgotten nil that.
But I'm sure It was true,
And the ballot's our due.
Its denial's a real deprivation
She wore such a love of a hat!
Chicago News
The Meek Recruit.
It was nt the target practice of the
local compnny of terrltorlnls. and on
of the olllccr3 was suitably holdinj:
forth on the matter in hand.
Sauntering swaggeringly up to tin
latest recruit, he said:
"See here, my man, this thing Is n
rifle. Here is the barrel, there the
stock. You slip the cartridge In here.'
Tho company was becoming exceed
Ingly Interested.
"Now," continued the ofllccr. "you
put the weapon to your shouldei
These little things on the barrel nr.
tho sights. When you have taken in
curate aim pull this little thing, wlih It
Ls the trigger."
The company began to smile.
"Now, remember what 1 have told
yov Smarten up and look more like
a soldier!" went on the captain, seek
lng to make a further Impression. "I?;,
the way, what ls your business? A
clerk, I suppose!"
"No, sir," came the reply; "I am only
a gunsmith." London Answers.
The Bench's Distinction,
A long winded attorney was arguin;
a technical case before one of tin1
judges of the superior court In a west
ern state, lie had rambled on in such
a desultory way that it became very
dlflicult to follow his lino of thought,
and tho Judge had Just yawned ver.v
suggestively.
With just a trace of sarcasm in hl
voice the tiresome nttorney ventured
to observe, "1 sincerely trust that 1 am
not unduly trespassing on the time of
this court."
"My friend," returned his honor,
"there ls a considerable difference be
tween trespassing on time and en
croaching upon eternity." LippiucottV
Magazine.
Seemed Aristocratic.
"They say Bert Holly married he
neath him."
"If ho did his wife must be an aw
ful fibber. I called on her yesterday,
and she told mo that she didn't know
a thing about cooking, that she had
never learned to sew or do any kind
of housework and that she wouldn't
think of recognizing her cook on the
street or In a store." Chicago Tribune
So Rude of Him.
Mrs. Jigsaw (of a literary turn)
William, what ls the femlnlue syn
onym for "fraternal?"
Bachelor Brother I don't know of
one, GInovra, that exactly fills the
bill. "Catty," though not really cog
nate, ls perhaps the only available
word you can uso truthfully. St.
Louis Times.
His Immunity.
Towne My wlfo's doing her own
cooking now.
Browne Well, you don't seem to
mind it
Towne No; I say she's doing her
own cooking. I get mine done at -i
restaurant. Catholic Standard and
Times.
Business Embarrassment. '
"Miss Oidgirl has volunteered to sell
kisses." j
"Well?"
"You are appointed to persuade her
to sell fancy work Instead. We must
positively make some money out of
this bazaar." Philadelphia Telegraph
Theatrical.
Mrs. Willis Thero seems to be a big
crowd over nt Mrs. Wnyupp's wed
ding. Strange too! She has been mar
ried nine times already.
Mrs. Giills-That's It! This ls going
to be a grand souvenir performance.
Puck.
In Memoriam.
"What have you got lu that locket,
Llsette?"
"A lock of my husband's hair."
"But he's still alive."
"Yes, but he hasn't any hair now."
FUegeude Blatter.
The Explanation.
Mury And they found her walking
the streets In her underwear.
Alice A Bomuambullst. of course.
Mary No; simply a woman with no
one In the houso to button her up.
Harper's Bazar.
A Calamity.
"My son, remember this marrying
on a salary has been the salvation of
many a young man."
"I know, dad. But suppose my wife
should loso her salary?" TIt-BIts.
Or Assessments?
Babies are the coupons clipped from
the bonds of matrimony. Satire.
Tho Poem tlint Mndo Edwin Mnrklinni Famous.
Til 13 MAN WITH THE HOE.
By Edwin Mnrklinni.
iowed with tho weight of centuries, 1io loans
Upon his hoc and gazes on tho ground,
Tho emptiness of nges In his face,
And on his hack tho burden of tho world.
Who made him dead to rnpturo and despair,
A thing that grieves not and that novor hopes;
Solid and stunned, n 'brother to tho ox?
Who loosened and lot down his brutal jaw?
Whoso was tho hand Hint slanted hack this brow?
Whoso breath blow out tho light within this brain?
Is this tho Thing tho Lord God mndo and gavo
To hnvo dominion over sea and land;
To trace the stars and search tho heavens for power;
To feel tho passion of Eternity?
Is this the Dream Ho dreamed who shaped tho suns
And pillared tho blue flrmanent with light?
Down all tho stretch of Holl to Its last gulf j
Thero Is no shape moro terrlblo than this
Moro tongued with censuro of tho world's blind greed
More filled with signs and portents for tho soul
Moro fraught with mcnaco to tho universe
Whnt gulfs between him and tho seraphim!
Slave of tho wheel of labor, what of him
Aro Plato and tho swing of Pleiades?
What the long reaches of tho peaks of song,
The rift of dawn, tho reddening of tho rose?
Through this dread shapo tho suffering ages look;
Time's tragedy Is in that aching stoop;
Through this dread shapo humanity betrayed,
Plundered, profaned and disinherited,
Cries protest to the Judges of tho World,
A protest that ls also phophecy.
O masters, lords and rulers In nil lands,
Is this tho handiwork you glvo to God,
This monstrous thing distorted and soul quenched?
How will you ever straighten up this shapo;
Give back tho upward look and the light;
Rebuild in It the music and tho dream;
Touch it again with immortality;
Make right the immemorial Infamies,
Perfidious wrong, lmmcdlcablo woes?
O masters, lords, and rulers In all lands,
How will the Future reckon with this Man?
How answer his brute question in that hour
When whirlwinds of rebellion shake the world?
How will it he with kingdoms and with kings
With those who shaped him to tho thing he is
When this dumb Terror shall reply to God
After the silence of the centuries?
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rtHESTElt A. GAltRATT,
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Physicians.
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bye and Kara specialty. The Httlnc of class
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Livery.
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