TIIB CITIZEN', WEDNESDAY, OCT. 10, 1010.
The
Scrap Book
Ho Wouldn't Repeat.
When Hairy I.ituder went to Lon
don for tlio first time tlio staRo reputa
tion he lnul made In thu provinces had
Hot ninilo much of nn Impression on
the metropolis. With n shrewd sense
of the vntiio of striking effects, I.nuder
decided he would arouse the London
ers to Ills pocul
lnr merits in a
novel m n n n o r.
Krotn some bono
yard or other ho
proeurel the most
skeleton-like spec
imen of horseflesh
he could find. On
this he planned to
ni n k o his first
stflco entrance.
The old horso
wis trnctnblo
enough -with Lnu
der nstrlde nwnlt-
nunnED ms amino lug his turn In
back. the wings, but
when the little fellow urged him for
ward for the grand entrance there was
a balk, a buck, and Harry was lnnlo
rlously shot to tlio front of the stage
over tho horse's head, the animal peer
ing after him with what might bo
termed an amused expression. Lau
der slowly and painfully rose to his
feet, while the gallery npplnudetl and
stamped and cried lustily:
"Do It again, 'Arry; do It again!"
Lauder rubbed his aching back, felt
cautiously of his bones, looked back
at the horse, and, turning to the audi
ence, he said:
"Like I Willi"
And ho didn't, but thereafter his
popularity was assured. Judge.
Tho Faco of Life.
Life cried to Youth: "I bear tho cryptlo
key.
I grant you two desires, but only two.
"What Rifts havo I to crown and comfort
you?"
Youth answered: "I am blind, and I would
see.
Open my eyes and let mo look on thee."
Twas done. He saw tho faco of life and
then
Cried brokenly, "Now make mo blind
asaln!"
Edwin Markham.
A Supplementary Statement.
An aspiring pugilist went on for n
preliminary bout nt one of tho athletic
clubs not long ago. As bo pulled on
his gloves he beckoned tho referee over
and asked him to
make an an
nouncement. Tho
referee obliged.
"Kid Blnks de
sires mo to say,"
ho shouted, "that
this is his first
appearance in any
ring."
The pair of
lighters fiddled
for a moment,
and then Kid
Blnks' antagonist
Ulllit
-;:::i
"""lit
114
slipped one over, the odmoino kef
Kid Blnks fell so EnEE
hard that ho fairly splashed. Tho ref
eree began to count him out, but the
Intelligent Mr. Blnks looked up and
whispered somothlug to him. Tho
obliging referee turned and addressed
tho audience. "Mr. Blnks," said he,
"wishes mo to supplement his state
ment of a moment ago. This Is nlso
his last appearance In any ring." Cin
cinnati Times-Star.
What the Books Cost Him.
When Colonel Itobert G. Ingersoll
was living in Peoria ho was called
upon one day by Ceneral John A. Lo
gan. The colonel was upstairs at the
time, and General Logan was ushered
Into tho library, whero on a table were
three volumes of Voltnlro's works, an
edition do lino representing all that
was best In the bookbinder's art. Gen
eral Logan picked them up ono at a
time, absorbed In his admiration of
tboir beauties. Whllo so engaged
Colonel Ingersoll entered the room.
"Colonel," said the general, holding
one of tho volumes In his hands, "this
is the most magnificent volume I have
ever seen. I do not want to seem Im
pertinent, but would you mind telling
mo what these books cost you?"
"Those books," began tho colonel, tho
twinklo in his eyo growing brighter at
each word, "cost me tho governorship
of Illinois."
His Low Voice.
Tho late Justice Brewer was presid
ing years ago over a civil case In
which one of tho Important witnesses
was a horse doctor named Williams.
Tho doctor was a small man with a
weak little voice, and tho counsel on
both sides, as well as tho court and
jury, had great difficulty in hearing his
testimony.
During cross examination tho coun
sel for tho plaintiff became exasperat
ed and began to prod and harry the
little man.
"Dr. Williams," ho Bhouted, "If wo
nro ever going to get anywhere with
this enso you must speak up so tho
court will hear you. Speak up loud
und strong, sir!"
Tho small sized veterinary tried, but
It was evidently no use. Whether
from embarrassment or Inability tho
Bound would not como.
"Well, your honor" began tho
counsel Indignantly, when Judge Brew
er stopped him with a gesture. Lean
ing over tho bench bo Bald In his
kindly tono:
"Mr. Attorney, you must bo patient
with the doctor. IIo cannot help it.
Years spent In tho sick room havo
apparently made speaking low a sec
ond nature with him." Green Bag.
m
''Oi5"-t
,niiVs!5 I
ttamlf 1
A WOMAN AND A CHECK.
Mrs. Black Was Not Absolutely Help
less In Monoy Matters,
Somo few persons still cherish tho
Idea that nil women nro absolutely
helpless In business matters and that
they arc so lacking In financial ability
that they cannot safely bo trusted to
handle money.
Mr. Blnck belonged to (his class. IIo
had been In tho habit of paying alf the
household bills at the end of each
month, and his wlfo, though allowed
unlimited credit, had never had an al
lowance. One day tho Blacks hap
pened to bo passing tho comparatively
new building In which tho bank was
situated.
"Do you know, John," remarked
Mrs. Blnck, "I have actually never
boon Inside tho bnnk since It was built
more than two years ago?"
"You haven't!" exclaimed John. "If
that's tho case I guess I'd better glvo
you a check this month and let you
pay tho bills. Do you think you'd
know how to cash it?"
Mrs. Black received tho check,
which, by tho wny, happened to bo an
unusually largo ono tlint month.
That evening Mr. Black asked, not
without sarcasm, If she had succeeded
In Indorsing It properly.
"Oh. yes!" returned Mrs. Black
cheerfully.
"How many bills did you pay?"
"None. It seemed n pity to waste all
that monoy paying bills."
"Then what In tho world did you do
with It?"
"Oh," returned tho little woman se
renely, "I just deposited it in my name
and opened nn account of my own with
it!"
Setting Her Right.
On ono of the corners of n busy
thoroughfare sat an old man blind and
minus ono leg. A sympathetic lady
who was passing stopped nnd gazed
at him In pity.
Finally sho approached him and be
gan asking him questions. Sho asked
him If ho wero married, how many
children ho had, whoro he had worked
last, how ho had met with the accident
that had Incapacitated him for work
and a thousand other questions.
Finally tho unfortunate one becamo
peevish. "Madam," ho oxclalmed harsh
ly, "you may think this la an Infor
mation bureau. It Is not. It Is a
collecting agency." Cincinnati Com
mercial Tribune.
Plain Clothes Men.
In a small South American state
which had recently undergone a chango
of administration tho new potentato
summoned an artist and ordered new
designs for all tho official uniforms.
"I wish showy costumes, very
showy," ho said, "for tho peoplo aro
Impressed by them. I have hero somo
sketches that I myself havo made.
Look them over nnd bo guided by
these Ideas as far as possible."
Tho artist examined tho sketches
cnrefully.
"This," bo snld, turning tho pages,
"Is evidently for the navy and this for
the army, but, If you please, what Is
this a long red plumo on n thrco cor
nered hat, yellow dress coat trimmed
with purple, and"
"That," replied tho chief of stato
gravely, "Is for tho secret police."
His. Hilarious Outburst.
Thero Ls a doleful looking but sub
stantial Scot living In London whoso
business ability is above tho average,
but everything ho does Is dono with
tho glum and melancholy air of a man
constantly wrestling with somo prob
lem of tho soul. IIo rarely spcaka un
less spoken to. Ho never smiles, and
his eyes havo a fixed but iutenso ex
pression. Ono day he was returning
to London with several companions.
The whole party wero Scotch, but tho
glum man's companions were of genial
type. Ono of them told a humorous
tale, over which tho rest laughed up-
JIE TOOK ONE AHIDB.
roarlously. Not bo tho human prob
lem. IIo sat In a corner of tho rail
way carriage glowering at his mirth
ful friends. Half an hour afterward,
howover, when all wero standing at
a street comer before separating, ho
took one aside and said solemnly and
slowly: "Yo would obsalrvo that
.did na' laugh at yond' story. Well, I
saw tho joke. Yo might not think It,
but I hnvo a keen senso of humor."
Grass and Glass,
A Scotsman was employed to mow
the lawn of a close fisted old lady. Sho
Insisted that ho must cut It very short,
adding that ono Inch at the bottom
was worth two at the top. IIo did It
bo well that sho was moved to produce
a whisky bottlo and u glnss, which sbs
filled about half full.
"Fill it up, mora," said Sandy, "for
It's no llko the gress. An Inch at tho
tap's worth twa nt tho bottom I"
That wi'M tilt proudest moment of
my life," said Summers at tho gather
ing of Confederate veterans.
"What moment?" asked Venable.
"The moment when General Leo re
ferred to me In nattering terms, which,
1 confess, I did not deserve."
"What? General Leo referred to
you? When? How?"
'It wns during tho fighting before
Richmond. Ono night Just before
tnps' I lighted n firo and wns making
somo coffco"
'Coffee? Chicory, you mean. Wo
had no coffee," Interrupted Veiinble.
"I say coffee, and I mean coffee."
"When did you get It?"
"In n Yankee- camp we had walked
over during tho day. Well, ns 1 was
saying, Just as the coffee began to emit
Its delicious odors tho sergeant called
out, 'Summers, yon'ro wanted.' 'And
you.' 'And you,' ppenklng to different
men of our company."
"I wns there," said Venable. "I ro-
membcr perfectly. lie called mo too."
"There wero a dozen of us," Sum
mers went on. "assembled In an or
chard" "An apple orchard?"
"Yes, nn npplo orchard. Well, the
sergeant ordered us to fall In nnd
marched us to tho colonel's headquar
ters. The officer of tho guard was
thero with sovoral of his mon nnd
ntnong them a fellow I don't know
who ho wns, but ho didn't belong to
our company or to tho regiment. The
colonel looked us over, nnd wo were
taken, the stranger along with us, to
General Lec."
"And drawn up In lino beforo his
tent," put In Vcnnble, "tho stranger
between you and me."
'I havo forgotten about tho Btran-
ger," Summers wont oh, "but I romom
bcr that General Leo enmo out and
looked at us ai If searching for some
one. Presently his oyo llghtod on me,
and ho said:
" That's tho man. I wish I had a
doEcn llko him. I could nso them nil.'
"With that ho wont back Into his
tent, and w wro marched to camp."
"Do you mean to tell mo," said Vcn-
ablo, "that all these years you have
thought tho general referred to you?"
"Of course ho did."
"Why, he not only looked at mo, but
he pointed at mo."
"Your
"Yea, L"
"Well, now, I llko that Whatever
put it Into your stupid noddlo that he
referred to you?"
"Because shortly boforo I had been
detailed, a his orderly, and when I left
him he commended mo for my faith
ful attention."
"And I had held his horso under
firo whllo he climbed to an eminence
to get a look at tho enemy. I toll you.
It was hot down thero In tho hollow.
the sheila shrieking ovor my head."
Summers got up from bis chair and
stalked about with hla hands in his
pockets, glaring llko a tlgor.
"I'm sorry to destroy tho Illusion of
a lifetime," remarked Vonablo, "but
truth Is mlghy and must provall."
Tho egotism of somo peoplo If fired
at an enemy would haTo moro effect
than a machine gun."
"Tho self esteem of others U woreo
than a charge of dynamlto."
At this moment a whlto headed man
entered. The veterans mndo hlra wel
come placing a glass boforo him. He
filled his pipe and sat smoking In that
stolid fashion especially to bo noticed
among the German people.
"We're glad you've como, Mark-
helm," said ono of tho assembled vet
erans, "not only because wo lovo our
enemy, but wo needed somo ono to
stop a wrangle between Summers and
Venable." '
"Vnt wrangler' asked tho old man.
"I'll Btato the case, and you, being a
Union veteran nnd consequently Im
partial, may bo nblo to decldo between
them."
"Veil, go on."
"Ono night when we wero fighting
McClellnn beforo Richmond Summers
nnd Venable wore marched with a
squad of a dozen men to General Lee's
tent. They wero drawn up hi lino. Tho
general looked thorn over and said:
'That's tho man. I wish I hnd a dozen
llko him. I could uso them all.' Sum
mers claims that tho gcnornl referred
to him, since ho had served hlra faith
fully ns orderly. Venablo claims tho
honor, since ho hnd hold the general's
horso under firo. Which Is right?"
"Neldor. Shenernl Leo point to me.
I vns der man in der middle."
"You tho mnn in tho middle!" cried
Summers. "What wero you doing
there?"
"I vns a spy."
"A spy!" cried tho company In a
breath. "Tell us about It."
"You Bee," said Markhelm, "I vas a
young feller shust como from Sherma
ny, und I didn't know vat to do ven I
got to dis country, bo I vont Into der
Union army. Von day my captain dells
mo Shenernl McClellnn vants a man
to go to Richmond to seo how mnny of
you fellers dcro vas. I comt, und I seo
Shenernl Leo, und I talks mlt him.
Den I vns arrested. Shenernl tee vns
a ferry conscientious man und vouldn't
identify mo unless ho could hick mo
oudt from udder mon. Next day ho
send for mo, und I tell him I don't
caro nottlngs about der national trou
bles und if ho let mo off I go vork n
farm In Nort' Carolina, I been vorkln'
dot fnrm ever slnco till I comt here
last veek."
"By thunder!" exclaimed the com
pany. "I 'nefer vants to bo der man In der
mlddlo again. If it hadn't been for
tho kind heart of Shoneral Lee I vould
haf been In der middle of a guard, vlth
a rope arount my neck. Ve trlnk to
Sbeneral Lee!"
THE M'KINLEY LILY.
Flower Preserved In Jar Shows Llke-
ncss to Dead President.
Alameda county, ono of tho coun
ties that bordor on tho Bay of San
Francisco, has n great varloty of pro
ducts, of which It has for sovoral
years maintained nn Interesting ex
hibition In tho rooms of tho Chamber
of Commorco at Oaklnnd, Its chlof
city. Tho work of proparlng tho flow
ers, fruits and vogotnblcs for exhibi
tion Is In tlio hands of W. D. Nichols,
who according to St. Nicholas, has a
procoss by which ho Is nblo to pro
servo thorn for a long tlmo without
losing their form or color,
Ono of tho exhibits Is what Is
known as tho McKlnloy lily. A largo
Illy was placed In a glass Jar with
tho prosorvlng fluid, and aftor sovoral
wookB Its petals began to droop a llt
tlo. A visitor noticed tho resomblanco
to tho foaturos of tho la to President
of tho United Statos, William McKln
loy, when looked at from a particular
point of vlow, and tho flowor has slnco
been called tho McKlnloy Illy. Every
effort Is being mndo to keep It In oxl at
one o In Its proaont stato as long as pos
Blblo, as It has proved a groat attrac
tion and objoct of Interest to visitors.
The Shah's Highway.
Wo think wo hnvo the worst roads
In tlio world. It Is truo wo have somo
bad ones, but most of our highways,
compared with thoao of Persia, would
bo aa a paved stroot to a ploughed
field.
You would think that the keeping;
of tho "Shah's Highway" would bo
one of tho first cares of a state. Yot
so Uttlo attention has been given to
this subject by tho Persian govern
ment that thero aro not a dozen good
wagon roads throughout tho wholo
country. The oaravan routes, aro, ox
cop t in a very fow cases, morely
trails. Not only aro tho wagon roods
bad aa well aa scarca, but It Is an as
tonishing fact that, although Persia
is ono of tho oldost of clvillaed states,
a country comprising an area of 623,
000 squaro miles and a population ot
9,000,000, sha has but six miles of
railway. Though tho states of tho
Western hemisphere have a civiliza
tion leas than oao-tonth as old, thero
Is not ono ot thorn with which, In this
respect, Persia dooa not suffer by
comparison.
Pood for Giants.
Archdeacon Sinclair recently ad
dressed a working boys' club in Eng
land, aftor Tratchlng tho lads In an
exhibition of gymnastic stunts, and
said ho should llko to recommend
the eating of oatmeal as a preparation
for thorn. "I had four brothers,"
Bald tho archdeacon, "all six feet high,
and my fathor had fourteen brothers
and slBtera ranging from six feet to
six foot eight lnchoa all brought up
on Scotch oatmoal porrldeo." This
may bo a valuablo suggostion for tha
heads of largo families who are trying
to solvo tho high cost of living prob
lem. Thoy should know, howover,
that tho breakfast foods of to-day aro
not the Scotch oatmoal that built
tho giant Sinclair family.
No Two and a Half Cent Pieces.
Somo peoplo aro nover contont to
lot well enough alono. Some follow
wants tho United States to lssuo a
two and a half cont. piece to moot
various quick change stunts that
would "save tlio Nation 30,000,000 a
year," so ho says. Aftor thinking till
every hair of Tip's head has turned
silver gray, Tip holds to tho persua
sion that we had host hold on to tho
plain ono hundrod plain cents to tho
dollar system as founded by Georgo.
Even as it la, poor Tip gets filmfiam
mod and short-changed every onco In
bo ofton. Tip, In tho Now York
Press.
Increase of News Space.
Sovon Now York daily papers
used 121 1-4 columns in their report
of tho Jeffrios-JohnBon fight at Reno.
Tho same papora nearly half a cen
tury ago told tho ontlro story of tho
battlo of Gettysburg in 25 1-2 columns.
Tho facilities for gathering and print
ing news havo increased since the
war, but not to tho extent theeo fig
ures indicate. Tho papers gave all
tho details of tho brutal prizefight be
causo tho peoplo domanded them,
and a good many more wanted thorn
than aro willing to admit It
London's Apprentices.
Tho Lord Mayor of London 1b try
ing to rovlvo tho old system of ap
prenticeship, and while he shows ho
knows what he la talking about when
ho says that many boys aro ruined by
the lack of somo trado, still many par
ents eny that after making groat sacri
fices to keep their boys four or five
yoars learning a trado, they find that
onco the boys havo sorvod their tlmo,
their mastors havo no further em
ploymont for thorn.
Bad Company.
How do mon feol whose wholo lives
(and many men's lives aro) nro lies,
Bchomes, and subterfuges? What sort
of company do they keop when thoy
aro alonoT Dally In life I watch men
whose ovory smllo Is an artiflco and
every wink an hypocrisy. Doth such
a follow wear a mask In his own pri
vacy, nnd to hla own consciencot
Thackeray.
Danger of the Gun Wad.
A Virginia newspaper sixty years
ago, beforo tho days of shells, ad
vised against any plan for carrying a
loaded gun muzzlo downward on
horseback or on foot as Yery danger
ous, slnco the paper wads and shot or
ball might slip down away from tha
charge and burst the gun, tearing
off an arm when fLradL.
Poetry and Pickles.
O woman, In our hours ot easo,
Uncertain, cranky, hnrd to please.
And in our hours of toll tho same,
With nil our faults on you to blamo,
How sweet, nnKello nnd divine
Around our llvos your own you twine.
With pickles and preserves to Inst
Until tho groundhog's shadow, cast
Upon tho snowy plane, foretulls
That spring comos laughing up tho delist
IJenstown Hard In Atlanta Constitution.
Liked the Cackle.
Little Eleanor, who wns very fond
of chickens, stood crying over a dead
rooster. Thinking that something good
ought to be Hnld. she remarked be
tween her sobs:
"He wns nlwnys so glad when one of
the hens laid an egg." Delineator.
Where He Failed.
IIo could toll you ovory horso
With n record on tho track,
Every pugilist, of course,
That had fullod In "coming back;"
In golf he know tho best,
And In tennis 'twas tho same.
But he couldn't keep abreast
Of tho aviation tamo.
Dorror Republican.
Suspicions.
"nenry," said tho small boy's moth
er, "I wish you would seo to Willie."
"What's the matter?"
"I strongly suspect bo's using his
athletic clothes as an excuse for not
properly dressing himself In tho morn
ing." AVnsblngton Star.
The Three Sweetest Words.
Thrco sweetest words? They are. by hock.
That lovely phrase "Inclosed und chock!"
E. W.
Nay, nay, fair sir; as sweet again
That dulcet trio "litre's that ten."
Chicago Tribune.
Don't Mintl It Now.
"This doesn't smell llko tho last gaso
line I had." Bald the man who recently
bought nn automobile.
"It's nil right, sir," said tho garage
man. "You're getting used to it"
Yonkers Statesman.
Naatleal Hugh.
A nautical person named Hugh,
When Informed tht hla cap was askew.
Cried: "Avast thra! 3elay!
1 war It that way
Because It Is picturesque!"
Llpplncott's.
A Purist.
Salesman Here's a shoe, sir, that
will fit you like a glove.
Buyer Gloves don't fit my feet,
nave you one that will fit me like a
shoe J Boston Advertiser.
Ae It Often Happens.
I once went In an auto race
And never lost my poise.
The other cars came In ahead.
But mine mad most the noise.
Buffalo Exprosa.
Italy's Tax on Salt.
Italy's tax on salt Is a grievous bur
den upon the poor. Tho profit from
the salt monopoly goes to the huge
expense of armaments. The arma
ment are required by the triple alli
ance, and the triple- alliance Is required
by the position of Italy as n first class
power.
ALCOHOL 3 PER CENT
AVcgelablePreparalion&rAs
slmilat n the FoodandReduJa
t tag the Stomachs aMDcfwis of
Promoles DigestionCkfrfur1
ncss and ResLContalns tieifer
Opium-Morphine nor Mineral.
NOT .NARCOTIC.
MxJona
MxMtUtt-
lfmSrtJ-
lanOeli
Apcrfect Remedy for Consupa
tlon , Sour Stomch.Dlarrlm
vYorras,LMivuisioiis.reven5a-
ncss andLOSS OFbLEEP.
Facsimile Signature of
NEW YORK.
Guaranteed undertnerowfiui
Exact Copy of Wrapper.
IIP'
DOWAQEFl GOING OUT.
Title Gives Way to Christian Names
In Social Circles.
Tho word "downgor" seems to bo
going qulto out of fashion, and many
who should bo stylo themselves prefer
to uso Instead their Christian names.
Strictly speaking tho mothor of a mar
ried peer or baronet Is tho dowager,
buv It has become the custom when
two ladies boar the samo tltlo to call
tho elder ono by her Christian name,
tho distinction downgor bolng drop
pod altogotlior.
At court, howover, all widows of
peers and bnronots nro styled downg
or when tho peer or baronot regnant
Is married. Tho Christian name waa
adopted somo years ago In cases
where thoro wero more than two la
dles bearing tho same tltlo In order
to mako a distinction between tho
downgor nnd tho wife of tho holder
of the tltlo, and tho Innovation has be
come so popular that peeresses and
baronets' wives who should stylo
themselves dowager elect to bo known
by their Christian namoa. Thus tha
widow of tho lato Earl ot Dudley II
known as Georglana Lady Dudley, but
actually sho Is Dowagor Lady Dudley.
Tho Cows of Muscat
Muscat Is famed as tho hotbed ot
smugglers in tho Persian Gulf, tho
nearby dosert tribes being regularly
supplied with arms despite too efforts
of the British patriot But to tho
wrltor tho odd antics of the cows of
Muscat seemed nothing short of freak
ish, Thoy actually eat fish. No grass
grows, so tho wily Arab teaches hl3
family cow to subsist on dates and
dried fish. Tho milk taste queer to a
forolgner, which Is probably why tha
Arab likes It Ho also claims It la
richer and makes more butter, but
most ridiculous of all la the deception
practiced on cows when tho calves
aro weaned. A calfskin, or somotlme3
a goatskin. Is stuffed with rags and
tied not far from whore the mother
cow Is anchorod. This ty of her
late lamented offspring soothos her
norves nnd keop3 nor from "going
dry," according to Arabic tradition.
An Awkwai-d Corapllment.
Inspector General Horaaday. of tha
Grand Army of the Ro public, was re
lating Incidents of fautooi national
encampments.
"I remember a. little Jap, who at
tended ono of our bauqis " yc aid,
smiling, "and a quoer corapllment ha
paid to a colonel's wira.
"I sat betwoon tha two. and tha
lady said across ma:
" 'Mr. Takashlrn, you compress tho
ladles' foot In your country, don't
you?'
" 'Oh, no, madam, that Is a Chinese
custom,' said tha Jap 'We Japanese
allow our ladlos' foot to jrrow to their
full size. Not that
"And he bowed and hissed in tha
pollto Japanoso way.
" 'Not that thoy could ever hope to
rival yours, madam.' " Washington
Star.
For Infants and Children.
The Kind You Have
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