THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 28, 1010.
HUMOROUS QUIP
Please Don't Mention My Name.
"Don't put my nnmo In tho pnpor,"
fluid the statesman, bochI and great,
"But If you must I surely trust
You'll get tho facts nil straight."
"I really can't bo quoted,"
Bald tho busy business man,
"Hut If you wrlta you surely might
Boom business nil you can."
I ncvor read tho papers,"
Bald tho badgered family doctor,
"But If you plcaso you may say dlseaso
Lies helpless where I knock tor,"
"Your papers aro not pious,"
Said tho fat and forty pastor,
"But If you quoto you'll kindly note
That I'm tho proachlng master."
"Tho press Is not uplifting,"
Bald tho slightly mlfty teacher,
"But don't you bo strung, for teaching tho
young
Is as great ns being a preacher."
"Don't print my name," said tho Boclal
dame,
"In tho senso of Blight or stricture,
But If you do with tho Interview
Bo suro to print my picture."
And so tho modest public
Withdraws from printed mention,
T3ut If you fall to print tho tnlo
They'll call It circumvention.
Spokano Spokesman-Itovlow.
Their Opinion Too.
"Mr. Snndus, we've brought these
eggs back."
"What is tho matter with thorn?"
"They're old. Two that wo broke
Ibis morning were positively bad."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"This isn't tho llrst game, cither.
Iist week nnd tho week beforo wo
bought some eggs here nnd had to
throw part of them nwny."
"Ladles, you are the only customers
that have made any complaint about
those eggs. It's very strange that I
Bhould sell good eggs to oorybody
else and save the bad ones for you."
"Yes; that's what wo think, Mr. Snn
dus." Chicago Tribune.
Repartee.
Rupert nnd Evadno were sauntering
along tho drive. Suddenly she stop
ped. "What's that?" sho exclaimed, lis
tening Intently.
"Probably some catfish mewing in
the lake," nnswered her sturdy pro
tector. Evadne's countenance brightened.
"I wonder If Its mother is putting
it to sleep in tho bed of tho river with
n shoet of water over it," sho mur
mured ingenuously. Sphinx.
The New One.
Tho gentleman cautiously opens his
front door at 2 n. m., but nevertheless
tho wife of ills bosom hears him.
"What in tho world kept you out so
Into?" she demands.
"Well, my dear," ho explains la
boredly, "FUtterson took mo for n
flight in his new biplane, and tho
steering gear got out of order, nnd we
had to come down eight miles from
town nnd wait for n trolley to bring
us In." Chicago Post.
Shot Out.
Itev. Mr. Waters Look at Bill Bur
ley, for Instance. It wns demon
rum that mnde him tho one eyed, low
browed sot that he Is today.
Cactus Charley Not altogether, par
son. It mebbo inado him n low brow
ed sot, but it was me that mnde him
one eyed. Catholic Standard nnd
Times.
Two Classes.
Bubo Where's yer boy naow?
Josh He's in New York.
Rube Which side's ho on by this
time?
Josh What d'yer mean?
Bubo Is ho sellln gold bricks
n'ready or buyin' em yet? Clovelnnd
Leader.
English as She Is Spoke.
A girl who Is considered ns belong
ing to the high brow crowd was tho
object of a serenade the other night
and in telling a friend nbout It said,
"I don't think thoro is nothing more
nicer thnn to be woken up nt night
with vocal singing." Alma Signal.
Two.
Seymour I didn't know that Bref
fums had two automobiles.
Ashley lie hasn't.
Seymour But I hoard him say he
bad two runabouts.
Ashley One of them is his wife's.
Chicago News.
Tip For Managers.
"I certainly have an Ingenious press
ngent."
"How now?"
"Tho week we sang 'Tho Barber of
Seville' ho set up a chair nnd gavo
freo shaves in tho lobby." Washing
ton Ilornld.
Instinct.
Sick Magnate (feebly)-What is that
on tho table thoro?
Secretary That? That la tho doc
tor's medicine case.
Sick Magnnto (relieved) Thanks. I
or thought It wua a camera. Puck.
Medical.
"Well, I think tho doctor la nbout
through with mo. Ho told mo my ail
ment Is pructicully cured."
"What did you have?"
"Two hundred dollars originally."
Pittsburg PobL
A Real Humorist.
"I bollevo that man is i real humor
ist" "What makes you think so?"
"Ho refrained from making a pun
on my name, and It's so easy to do."
Detroit Freo Press.
301
A Woman's
Fib
It began In tho usual way strictly
according to Plato. And tho boy
Cupid chuckled to himself ns ho
watchod tho two, nnd tightened tho
strings of his how.
At llrst things fell out exactly na
Cupid had expected, nnd ono flno day
the man told the girl that ho loved
her, and asked her to bocorao his
wife.
As the girl listened a glad light
came Into her oyes. Then sho looked
nt him senrchlngly, nnd her faco
clouded over.
"Aro you qulto sure?" she nskod.
But ho only laughed, and klssod
her.
"I would rnther wo kept this to our
solves for n llttlo while," sho told
him prosently, when he spoke of n
formal engagement, "I I want to be
quite, qulto certain."
"Certnln of what?" ho aaked.
"Of you, Dick," sho replied. "Don't
bo nngry with me, dear, I can't help
It. It seems such a wonderful thing
that you should lovo mo aftor all. Do
you remember what you used to say?"
"I was a fool."
"But do you remember?"
"I haven't said It for a long timo,
have I?"
"You used to say, Dick, that I was
too much of a mnn myself for men to
fnll In love with mo. I didn't know
what you meant at first, until you ex
plained." "Never mind that now."
"But I do mind. I can't help think
ing about it. I have an idea that you
wcro right."
"No, I wasn't, Madgo. I've found
out my mistake."
"You said I was too free, too Inde
pendent to win men's lovo, that men
only loved tho helpless, clinging wom
en tho women who needed protec
tors." "Why do you want to remember all
the Idiotic things I've said to you?"
"Because I believed them to bo
true onco, and I think perhaps they
aro true still. You told me I was so
strong and self-reliant tho sort of
girl to. make a chum of, not a wife.
And you made a chum of me, Dick.
Are you suro you want the wife?"
Her frank gray eyes met his un
flinchingly. He drew her toward him with sud
den passion.
"I love you," was all he said. And,
for a time, she was content.
Then there came a day on which a
shadow seemed to fall between them,
and doubt grew strong again.
"You are worrying over something,"
she said, and he made no reply.
"Tell me," she pleaded, but still ho
was silent.
"Do you know you haven't kissed
me once to-day?" she continued, her
oyes fixed upon his troubled faco.
"Forgive me," he stammered, awk
wardly trying to take her hands.
She shook her head, and gently re
leased herself.
"I want to talk to you," sho said.
"I am going to tell you what Is on
your mind. I know."
"Madgo, you don't know. You can't
know. It's nothing."
"Don't bo untruthful, Dick. You
used to credit me with some intelli
gence when when wo were only
chums. Do you think I can't guess
what Is troubling you? You'ro mis
erable, Dick, as miserable as it's pos
sible for any man to be, and I know
why. It's because you can't make up
your mind about about me."
"What do you mean?" he asked,
turning away his head.
"You can't make up your mind
whether you aro in lovo with mo or
not. There! Now I've said It. Isn't
It true?"
Her voice never faltered. Her calm
oyes seemed to read his every
thought
"Don't be afraid," sho said. "It is
better to bo qulto frank kinder to mo.
That dny you asked mo to bo your
wife, you were carried away by a sud
den foolish impulse. I suspected it
all along. I had no right to tako you
at your word; Dick, wo must bo chums
again."
"For Heaven's sako, Madgo, don't
talk like that!" ho criod. "You don't
know what you'ro saying. You wrong
mo, indeed you do. I have you, I ad
mire you more than any othor woman
I know, You'ro too good for mo, but,
you've promised to marry mo, and I'm
tho proudest fellow in Uio world. Ill
try to bo worthy of you, dear."
"It isn't a question of being worthy
or unworthy," sho roplled, gently. "It's
a quostlon of lovo, Dick. I think I un
derstand you. You'ro fond of mo, I
know that, but you don't lovo mo in
tho way that you feel a man ought to
lovo tho woman ho is going to mar
ry." "Any man who isn't a senseless
bruto ought to lovo you."
"Well, we'll grant that, for tho sako
of argument"
"You'ro clovor and good, Madgo,
and uncommonly protty; you'ro every
thing a.woman ought to bo."
"But don't bo afraid to say it
Dick I'm not tho right woman for
you. I know. I understand."
"Madgo, you don't understand, you
can't understand. I don't understand
mysolf. It's my cursed naturo, I think.
I'm not capablo of loving you or any
woman."
"You say that, now, bocauso tho
woman hasn't como yot"
"Sho novor will I" ho cried. "You'ro
tho only girl I ovor carod for, and
over shall caro for. I'm suro of that
It's tho only thing I soom to bo Buro
of," ho ended, miserably.
"Listen to mo, Dick," sho replied.
In hor quiet volco. "I understand yon
bottor thnn you undorstand yourself.
You romembor my tolling you onco
that, years ago, I was ongagod to bo
married? Woll, I wont through then
Just whnt you'ro going through now.
I know tho feeling, Dick, tho blank,
mlsorablo fooling of disappointment
nt every kiss, ovory ondoann&nt, tho
feeling that something Is wrong, that
this is not tho lovo you had drcamod
of, tho agonizing doubts, tho solf-ro-proaches.
Oh, Dick, Dick, I know It
all!"
With a llttlo strangled sob sho hid
hor faco between hor hands, and tho
man who watched hor dared not ask
tho question that trembled on his lips.
The girl had always been so calm,
so self-controllod. Ho had novor seen
her Hko this boforo. What did It
moan?
"I'm a brute, Madgo," ho sold,
clumsily.
Sho raised hor face to his with a
BUddon, quick smile.
He loked at hor anxiously, and
hoavod a Blgh of relief.
Sho hasn't been crying at all, then!
Thank God!
Tho girl gave a little laugh.
Sho could read him like a book.
"You see, I'm not taking it to heart
so very much, aftor nil," sho said,
and, in his embarrassment, ho did not
hear tho false ring In her voice. "I
felt unset Just now," sho continued,
hurriedly, "bocauso I remembered so
vividly what I suffered at the time I
told you of, and it humiliated mo to
think that I have made you suffer In
the same way."
"But you'ro wrong, quite wrong,
Madgo, to comparo your case with
mine. It's not the same thing at all.
That fellow you speak of turned out
to bo a scoundrel. No wonder you
couldn't love him. But you you aro
the sweetest, prettiest creature on
earth, and the man who can't make a
fool of himself for your sako, ought to
be shot."
Sho laughed again.
"it's nice of you to feel liko that
Dick," she said. "But thore's really
no reason why you should call your
self all sorts of hard names simply
because you haven't succeeded In fall
ing blindly and dosperately in lovo
with mo."
For a moment there was slleneo
between them.
Suddenly a dark flush roso to his
face.
"Don't think mo a conceited fool.
llttlo girl," he said, awkwardly, "but
you told me Just now of tho doubts
that used to torment you while you
were engaged to that other man.
You didn't say anything about any
doubts when I when you had prom
ised to be my wife. Doesn't that
mean that that you caro?"
Ho was not looking at her, and ho
did not seo how white she had
grown.
"Dear old boy," she said, coming up
behind him, and placing her hand soft
ly upon his shoulder. "I do care for
you, woll onough to have married you
If you had wanted It But I I'm not
the sort of girl to fret and pine bo
causo I can't marry you."
Tho hand upon his shoulder trem
bled Just a little.
"Madge!" he cried, impulsively.
"Give mo another chnnco! Forgot
what has passed between ub to-day,
and be my wife. I was mnd to let
you talk as I did Just now. It Isn't
true. I love you, dear, as well as It's
in mo to love any woman. Upon my
honor I believe that. I would try to
mnKO you happy. Ta'te me back,
Madgo. Give me another chanco!"
For a single instant tho girl hesi
tated. "It can't bo," she said, firmly. "You
nro good and kind, Dick, and pcrhnps
you mean what you say Just now, You
may think, for the moment, that you
lovo me. I tell you, It Isn't love, It's
only pity. You're sorry for mo, bo
causo you think I shall bo unhappy.
Old friend, you'ro mistaken. Don't
bo sorry for me, thore's no neod. I'm
not liko othor girls. You havo said so
yourself, often and often. I don't
want a protector, or a husband. I only
want a chum. Dick, we'll bo chums
again!"
"You can't moan It," ho said, un
easily; "ofter the way I'vo behaved to
you, you must dosplso me. Things
can novor be quite tho same again."
"Things shall bo the samo again!"
sho cried. "Why not? Until until"
"Until what?" he asked.
"Until tho right woman comes!" sho
replied.
Nearly a year had passed slnco tho
day on which Dick and Madgo had
agreed to bo chums again.
At odd Intervals, moments of sud
den remorse or exultation, Dick would
imploro tho girl to accept tho lovo
ho had to givo her, and become his
wife.
"I swear to you thero's not another
woman In tho world I caro for,
Madgo" ho would assure her with
painful earnestness. "If my lovo for
you is only a poor, wenk sort of thing,
and not tho lovo I used to think and
hopo would como to mo, It's bocauso
I'm a callous bruto, incapable of that
sort of splendid feollny. You'ro far
too good for mo, Madgo, I know, but
but won't you take pity on me?"
"Wnlt, only waif sho told him.
"I shall not marry you, Dick, and
somo day you will thank mo for it
Romembor wo nro only chums, nnd
you aro freo."
"I don't want to bo freo," ho cried.
"Evon though you won't marry mo,
I shall always fool bound to you. No
other woman can ovor tako your
placo."
"I am glad," sho said, softly and
something gllstoncd in hor oyos.
Tho next moment she would havo
glvon worlds to recall tho slmplo
words. Ho had caught hor bands In
bis and was staring at hor with a
troubled look.
"Poor little girll" bo whispered.
"What a bruto I am. What a brute!
Do you caro as much as all thntt
"I caro for your friendship, Dlok,"
sho said, in hor ordinary calm, low
voice. "I moant nothing mora I am
qulto content"
Thon, ono day, sho saw a change In
Dick. It was bound to como. Sho
had told horsolf so again nnd again.
Yot In hor heart of hearts sho had not
belloved it
"So that Is tho right woman for
Dick. Sho can bring tho look to his
oyes that I havo watchod nnd waited
for In vain. Sho, that poor, ompty,
foolish llttlo croaturo hns tho powor
bah, what a wretch I ami What right
have I to Judgo her? I am unjust
blinded by oh, God, not that not
tlmt! Havo I fallon so low? 'Do I
grudgo him to her I, who never real
ly had his love?"
And sho stood afar oft and watch
ed tho two togothor, and waltod for
Dick to toll her.
"Ho is afraid," Bho told horsolf,
with a blttor smile.' "Ho romombors
whnt ho swore to me. I must help
him."
"Dick," sho said, nbruptly, nt tholr
noxt meotlng, "there's something on
your mind, and you'vo got to toll mo
what It is. Years ago you mado me
your 'Mother Confessor,' and I'vo held
the ofllco over slnco. Como, Dick,
out with it! What Is It?"
"It's nothing at all. I'vo got nothing
to confess, llttlo girl. How did you
got that Idea Into your head?"
"I don't know. It came, Dick, that's
all."
Thoro was a pause
"Madgo," he asked, presently,
"you'ro suro you're qulto happy?"
"What do you mean? Nobody la
quite happy, I suppose."
"I mean, are you quite contented
with this sort of thing? With our
our friendship, you know."
The girl laughed gayly.
"Of course I am. Hnvon't I told
you so, ovor and over ngaln?"
"And yet I don't know some
times I think"
"You think I'm yearning for matri
mony?" sho retorted flippantly. "What
a dear, conceited, stupid old thing
you aro! I've quite got over that llt
tlo weakness, Dick. I don't want to
marry you, really. I'm fond of you,
of course, but then you'ro fond of
mo, too at least you always pretend
ed you wero, and yet, you don't want
to marry mo. Why should that sort
of feeling bo possible for you nnd not
for me, Dick? Perhaps perhaps I'm
wiser now than I was a few months
ago. Perhaps I've found out my mis
take." "What do you mean, Madgo?"
The light of an unspoken hopo
flashed for a moment in his oyes.
The girl saw it, and something
leaped up In her throat.
"Dick," sho said, almost In a
whisper, "you discovered, months
ago, that I was not the right woman
for you. Perhaps perhaps I've dis
covered that you are not tho right
man for mo."
Again that glad light shone in his
eyes, and the girl grow sick with tho
pain that was in her heart
"You're pleased to hear mo say
that!" she cried, and wild, Ill-considered
words rose to hor lips. With a
fierce effort she conquered the tempta
tion to speak them.
"You have something more to toll
mo," sold hor companion, eagerly. "I
can seo It In your face. I can guess
what It Is!"
"Well!"
"That tho right man has come to
you?"
"And tho right woman to you,
Dick?"
"Madgo, how did you know?"
"I only guessed. Perhaps a fellow
feeling, Dick. Doos sho know?"
"Good Heavens, no! I haven't dared
to own it oven to myself. You'll
laugh at me, and I deserve It for be
ing a presumptuous idiot, but I can
say it now without offending you I I
though you still carod for mo, not
not as a pal only, but in tho other
way, and so"
"And so you determined to sacrl
flco tho most precious thing on earth
for tho sako of a sickly sentimental
fooling on my part to which I had no
oarthly right Oh, Dick, you old
stupid, what an awful mlstnko you
might hnvo made. And sho she caros
for you, doesn't sho?"
Ho flushed Hko a schoolboy.
"I'vo no right to say that," ho ro
plled. "I'vo novor Broken to hor
about It I was ashamed, bocauso of
of what 1 had said to you."
"Go to her at onco, Dick, and say
nil you over Bald to mo, and much
more that I could novor toach you.
Go, Dick. I know what her answor
will bo."
"And you, Madgo? What of him,
tho right man, you know?"
"Dick, I can't toll you."
"It's n socrot then?"
"Well yes a secret Don't bo an
gry with mo for not tolling you. It
isn't possible. Wo shan't bo ablo to
marry for a long tlino, and so wo think
It boat to say nothing about it at
presont"
"You might, at least, tell mo this,
Madgo: Do I know him?"
"No, Dick. You seo I only mot hint
a month ago, whllo up in Saratoga,
you know. Ho ho has to go to Ore
gon, and won't bo back for fivo years."
"Poor llttlo girl. I'm sorry."
"Don't bo sorry for mo, Dick. I
don't mind waiting."
"But five years! Why, Ifs n life
time! Fancy waiting fivo yoars for
for"
"Go, Dick, go. Thero's no roason
why you should wnlt, anyhow. Go
to hor, and good luck to you I"
When be had gono she roso slow
ly, and walked across to tho mirror.
"Liar I" Bho said to tho whlto faco
that stared at her through tho glass.
"Liar! It's an ugly word. I loatho
It And yot and yet It mado things
easlor for him." OJIETE HAHN.
Doctor (to his cook, who la Just lonv
ing) Snrnh, I nin very sorry, but I can
only glyo you n very Indifferent char
acter. Snrnh Well, sir, never mind. Just
write It like you do your prescriptions.
Stray Stories.
No artist I, and yot I try
By art to gain renown.
I draw my pay each Saturday,
And then I paint the town.
Detroit Freo Ptobs.
rost I discovered today that Pnrker
nnd I havo n common ancestor.
Mrs. Post (a colonial dame) For
goodness' sako don't tell nny one.
Brooklyn Life.
Tho good old summer tlmo Is here.
How eager did wo greet It.
Tho flowers opened when It camo;
The butter ran to meet It.
Yonkcrs Statesman.
Ilodd Can you conceive of any situ
ntlon where you would want to be sep
arated from your wife?
Todd Yes In Paris. Town and
Country.
A dllTcrcnco I note that's meet.
When comes this worst of bores;
Ho grinds his organ In tho street,
I grind my teeth Indoors.
I.lpplncott's.
Ascum Do you think It's true that
Skinner has bought a place for himself
In society?
Wise Oh. no! I'll bet bo's only
leased It, for he's liable to have to
skip out nt a moment's notice. Cath
olir Standard nnd Times.
NXXSS
i
1
Tlio Kind You Havo Always
In uso for over 30 years,
and
-ffiy J as Bonnl
All Counterfeits, Imitations nnd " Just-as-good" aro but
Experiments that triflo with nnd endanger tho health of
Infants and Children Expcrlcnco against Experiment.
What is CASTOR I A
Castoria is a harmless substitute for Castor Oil, Pare
goric, Drops nnd Soothing Syrups. It is Pleasant. It
contains neither Opium, Morphino nor other Narcotic
substance Its ngo is its guarantee. It destroys "Worms
nnd allays Feverislmcss. It cures Diarrhoea and Wind
Colic It relieves Teething Troubles, cures Constipation
and Flatulency. It assimilates tho Food, regulates tho
Stomach nnd Bowels, giving healthy and natural sleep.
Tho Children's Panacea Tho Mother's Friend.
GENUINE CASTORIA ALWAYS
Si
Boars tho
The KM You Have Always Bought
in Use For Over 30 Years.
THI CINTAUft COMMNV, TT UIIMH STMCT. NtW VOHK OITV.
Come Back' Sale
Having closed up our branch
store at DeEhs5 INLY, we wilfi close
our stock at
HALF PRICE AT OUR
POPULAR STAND
-H--H- -H- -HHr-H-
Full line of Men's, Gents' and Children's cloth
ing and Gents' Furnishings must go to make room
for our large fall stock.
Bregstein Bros., Leading Clothiers,
Honesdale, Pa.
Wanted His Qate Money.
An aeronaut loaning over tho edgo
of tho car ns his balloon was slowly
passing ovor a football gamo, ovor
balanced hltnaolf, and fell plump
among tho playors. When ho recov
ered consciousness ho found several
of tho club officials bonding over him
anxiously.
"Ah," said tho treasurer, In a tono
of rellof, "I'll trouble you for your
bolt dollar now, old fellow 1"
A tittle Mound.
By tho sldo of a llttlo sandy mound
stands a man, old, stoop-shouldered
and with snowy locks. No sound dis
turbs tho ovenlng's qulutness save tho
cooing of a mourning dove. But sud
denly a fist clenches and tho afore
mentioned man la hoard to exclaim:
"Confound that wood-chuck!" Judgo.
Queen Bee Gone Astray.
A nowly married couplo were be
ginning their honeymoon in a city ho
tel. Tho bride went out to do somo
shopping, and when sho roturncd sho
found herself puzzled to dccldo which
was tholr room. When sho thought
sho had located it sho tapped timidly
on tho panel and breathed:
"It's mo, honey; lot mo In."
Thero was no rosponso, and sho
tapped louder and said.
"Honey, it's me, and I want to como
in."
"Madam," said a gruff volco from
tho othor side of the door, "this ain't
no beohlvo; It's a bathroom." Every
body's Magazine.
v I r?
Bought, and -which has been
has borno tho signature of
has been mado under his pcr-
supervision slnco Its infancy.
Signature of
KRAFT & CONGER
MM
Am
HONESDALE, PA.
Reoresent Reliable
Companies ONLY
I
1111