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THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, Al'Il. 27, 1010.
HEW SHORT STORIES
Retort of the Limelight Man.
Forbcs-nobcrtson at n dinner in New
York prnlsed the American critical
"But," he said, slfihlnp, "Isn't your
criticism In Its clarity and directness
too cruel sometimes?
"I remember a brother actor who
played one night In a small western
town. At the climax of the third act
of lils play tho limelight was always
thrown upon him. In this town, how
ever, the limelight man shot tho light
"WHY DIDN'T YOU MOVE THE YhX, THEN?'1
nine or ten feet to the left, and It was
from the blackest shadow that my
friend had to make his best speech.
"Naturally, at the end of the act, he
indignantly asked the limelight man
why the deuce tho light hadn't been
thrown where it belonged.
" 'Fly in the way,' tho limelight man
answered, biting a chew from a plug
"'Why didn't you move the fly,
then?' shouted my friend.
The limelight man rolled his to
bacco to the other cheek, looked at my
friend dreamily and drawled as he
turned on his heel,
" 'If ye could act I guess ye wouldn't
want no limelight.'"
A Defeated Conscience.
George W. Martin, secretary of tho
Kansas State Historical society, tells a
story about an early day Kansas jus
tice of the peace who will bo nameless
"This J. P.," said Mr. Martin, "would
marrj a couple one day as justice of
the peace and divorce them the next
as notary public."
One time, as the story ran, a man
surrendered himself to this J. P.
"An phwat's the matter?" asked the
"I killed a man out here on tho prai
rie in a light," was the reply. "I want
to give myself up."
"You did kill him, sor?" asked tho
"Yes, sir," was the reply.
"Who saw you?" asked tho J. P.
"An' nobody saw you kill "im?"
"No, sir. Just wo two were there."
"An' you're sure nobody saw you?"
reiterated the J. P. ,
"Of course I'm sure," was the reply.
"Thin you're discharged," said the J.
P.. bringing his fist down on the table.
"You're discharged. You can't 'crimi
nate yourself. Kitty dollars, please!"
Kansas City Journal.
A Lay From "Chantecler."
"Illarrltz is on the tumultuous bay of
niscay, and Cambo, where Hostand
lives, is only a dozen miles behind
Biarritz, a placid village in the Pastpue
The speaker was a Philadelphia jour
nalist. "I tried to Interview Hostand in his
naque home," ho went on, "but It
was useless. I did see his son, though.
The young man talked excellent Eng
lish. "Hp cracked a lot of jokes about his
father's rooster piny, pretending that
they were all Jokes from tho text
Why. he oven declared that tho play
opened with Chantecler, the rooster,
calling one of his older wives aside
" 'My dear, you must beware. The
fanner told the cook this morning that
he would have chicken for dejeuner.
He's laying for you now.'
"'Well, love,' sighed tho hen, 'I sup
pose I've uo right to object I've been
laying for him, you know, these many
A Hibernian Hint.
The Hoc Joseph II. Choate, former
ly our ambassador to England, tells
the following story, crediting the same
to a political speech mado by Sir Hen
A head of a houso had complalued
to three friends an Englishman, an
Irishman and a Seot-that his servant
broke a great deal of china.
The matter of fact Englishman gave
the short bit of practical advice, "Dis
"Tako it out of his wages," snolco
tho thrifty Scot
Objection to tho latter course was
mado on tho ground that tho wages
were less than tho amount of dam'
ages. Tho Irishman at onco camo to
tho rescuo with:
"Then raise his wages." Judge.
RQADM AKIN G slp
ROAD WATER DITCH.
Suoaestlons By n New York Highway
Kred. Q. Evans, superintendent oi
highways In Tompkins County, New
York, Ib constantly advising the town
superintendents of his county concern
ing methods and details which shall
enable thorn to do more effective work.
Figure No. 1, Illustrates his Idea oi
tho form of a ditch which must carry
water for any considerable distance.
It should lio Well below tho base lino
of the road and deep and narrow. If
the soil Is soft it should bo paved with
Figure No. 2 shows a ditch which
he considers proper for the treatment
of a wet, or swampy place. This ditch
Is for tho upper side of the road, and
should ho broad nnd comparatively
shallow, so that tho water will seep
Into it from the contiguous soil, and
bo carried off.
Figure No. 3 represents n cheap
but substantial form of culvert, a
number of which have already been
put in on the earth roads of Tompkins
County. It Is a culvert made of ileld
stones, built over a collapsible form,
the stones being laid in mortar. Tho
forms are made in two parts, meeting
at the apex of the arch, nnd temporar
ily fastened at the bottom by a strip
of hoard nailed across. Under each
side of tho form is a blocking which,
when knocked or pulled out permits
tho forms to collapse to an extent that
they can easily be removed. Tho
forms are made In sections, all on tho
same radius, so that the culverts may
be made of any desired size according
to the number of sections used.
The economy of this culvert, ac
cording to Mr. Evans, lies in the fact
H J 2-0
Plans of a Road Watch Ditch.
that the material costs practically
nothing, and the labor can be per
formed by unskilled persons, without
taking much time. Stones are plenty,
and can be had for the picking; every
farmer has a little lime about, and
sand is prevalent, so that their con'
struction is easy.
Many of these culverts have already
been installed, on the earth roads of
tho county, and Mr. Evans expects
that they will shortly displace the
plank sluices and culverts on tho
more remote roads, and bo occasional'
ly used on the Improved roads.
A Kansas Proposition.
The people of several counties in
Southern Kansas are agitating tho
proposition to construct a road along
tho valley of tho Arkansas river from
Hutchinson to Garden City, a distance
of 180 to 200 miles.
The newspapers along the proposed
route have taken up tho matter, and
the public seems to bo becoming inter
ested. A convention, to consist of tho
various-county olllclals is suggested at
Hutchinson In the near future, and
tho county engineer of that county
Rono, is reported as preparing the de
tails of the meeting.
A number of lateral lines are sug
gestcd, reaching various county seats,
and other cities from the main road
This being a purely agricultural re
glon, the name chosen for the road
"the valley speedway," seems unusual
Such a road system .If constructed
would be of great benefit to tho region
enabling tho fanners to market thoir
crops with greater facility and at re
duced expense. This road would pass
through a section where a number of
roads are being constructed by tho
sand clay method. '
Effects' of Bad Roads.
In a letter from Prof. George R
Chatburn, hoad of tho department of
applied mechanics of tho Unlvorslty
of Nebraska, ho statos; "In my twen-ty-ilvo
years' experience in Nebraska
I havo novcr seen tho roads as bud as
at present During the month of No
vember wo had tho unprecedented
rainfall of nearly 10 inches; If wo add
the last wcok in Octobor and tho first
in Decomber wo will have at least two
more. The mud had been worked up
to such a stato of plasticity that I
havo soon wagons on tho stroets of
Lincoln with the wheels apparently
solid. While in this condition thoro
camo a freozo and a foot of snow on
top of that Tho roads aro Impassable
for anything except very light loads.
Coal dealers, instead of doliverlng in
2-ton lots, aro delivering in half-ton
lots to houses off tho paved streets.
Hay has risen from $7 to ?14 per ton,
eggs, butter, and other farm products
aro cut of slht"
. H J 2. -0-
Ten do not kiss as sweetly as tho oth.i?
slrls I know,"
bom to srt tho goat of her whom l.t
.flowed to beau.
"Oh, don't IT" unld tho maiden, lifting up
her cyw of blue.
'That's funny! All the othr Ikh I ro
with say I do!"
- Cleveland Loader.
Blio lianded you that, did she? That was
hardly Just tho thins.
That must have roused your dander soma
and left a llttlo Ming.
Dut perhaps tho hoys she spoke of, we
mleht tnnko a llttlo note,
Had not kissed tho rentle maiden since
ho had obtained tho kkU.
Uncle Silas (sarcastically) 1 sup
pose you never had a dissatislled sum
Undo Illrnm One.
Uncle Silas Oh, you did have one.
Uncle Hiram Yes; he was a fellow
that wrote Jokes .for the comic papers,
nnd ho was sore when ho found out
that there wasn't any chance- at our
houso for that kind of material. Iios-
At tlrst sho touches up her hair
To see It It's In place.
And then with manner debonair
Sho touches up her face.
A touch to curls behind her ear,
A touch to silken collar.
And then sho's olT to hubby dear
To touch htm for a dollar.
Now Orleans Times-Democrat.
"Docs that 'ere thin, stoop shoul
dered, dyspeptic, Iookln' drummer that
you bought so much from today sell
any hotter or cheaper goods than the
fat one ye turned down so hard yes
terday?" inquired HI Spry.
Don't know as he does," confessed
the Squam Corners merchant, "but his
views on the criminal rapacity of tho
trusts are a whole lot sounder."
llnry had a llttlo lamb,
A I'erslan lamb, by crlcky!
It's fleece was warm In winter's storm
And curly like and sticky.
But when Jtl&s Mary needed coin
Sho sold It for a dollar.
And soon tho lambkin turned Into
An actor's topcoat collar.
His Little Yarn.
"I thought you were going to take
mo to tho grand opera?".
"Well, you see, I ordered two seats
In the front row."
"But then they had to take tho first
row out to make room for the orches
tra." Louisville Courier-Journal.
Hock-a-by, baby, on the trcetop.
If you cut dow.n the forests the baby will
And when the trees tumble the babies will
So put up your ax and don't chop them
His Natural Bent.
"What are you hollerin' at me for?"
demanded the offended one, turning
about. "If you wish to go ahead why
don't you turn out and go ahead? The
sidewalk is wide."
"Excuse me," said "the other. "It
was force of habit. I am a motor
man." Buffalo Express.
Sad thoughts may come to him who sees
Some day his tlrst gray hair,
But sadder yet
Ills thoughts, you bet.
Who sees amid his crown of Jet
A spot that's growing bare!
Detroit Freo Press.
Remind Him of Business.
Gunner There goes the tobacco
king. He is a multimillionaire.
Guyer Then it's queer he doesn't
drive n better team. Those horses
look like n pair of plugs.
Gunner Well, I guess ho thinks n
pair of plugs Is appropriate in his busi
ness. Chicago News.
The Unreasonable One.
He growled because they "wouldn't glvo
An' set tho llttlo settlement a-hummln
But cf they'd tried to pinch him
An' tako him out an' lynch him
I bet you he'd have had a kick a-comln'!
A Love Feast.
Fat Man You're growing stout.
Lean Man And you're getting thin.
Whereupon they shook hands, smll
ed, and each mentally declared tho
other fellow "a bully good friend."
Served Her Right.
Sho lost her sheep,
According to nursery books.
Ah, sad was her lot.
But that's what she got
For associating with crooks!
New York Times.
"That scientist spent many -hours of
his llfo In fruitless research."
"In what line?"
"Trousers. You see, his wife always
went through them the night before'
Tho flutist had the flu Quito bad,
The unfortunate galoot,
So as ho could not toot himself
Ho sent a sub-to-toot.
"Why do you bellevo in long
"Well, I think that a girl should re
main her lover's ideal as long as pos
sible." Cleveland Leader.
Queer State of Affairs.
Wa are told that lovo Is blind,
Yet we know 'tis true
That love can see upon one chair
Sufficient room for two.
n .an . nn nn -un niwi iiiisjl j
ii nu nn mi un it ng
Tho breakfast room of tho Bleak-
vlllc poorhouBo Is particularly gloomy
and cheerless on a dull November
Tho rain Is beating regularly, per
sistently against the narrow windows.
A fecblo attempt Is being mado by
tho old folks to eat their breakfast
which, fpr once, seems more than thoy
can accomplish. A spirit of unrest
has seized thorn. Evidently they have
a premonition of impending trouble.
Tho usually smiling faco of Mrs.
Dodge, the tnntron, Is sad this morn
ing. Sho glances down tho long ta
ble, and seeing an empty chair, nsks:
With ono accord, they nil glauco
toward an opposite window, whero,
gazing upon the blurred scone without,
Is a tall, thin figure. This Is Thomns,
or, ns tho matron's little son calls
him, "Soldier Tom."
"Thomas," calls .Mrs. Dodge sotuy,
"will you take your seat now? This
will ho our last meal togother, you
With a stifled sob, the old man tot
ters feebly to his chair. For onco tho
tall, commanding figure has lost its
military bearing. The shoulders aro
stooped. The head is bent. As ho
sinks into his chair tho matron
glances at the other Inmates, who nro
looking at ono another In a dazed,
"My friends," she begins, "we havo
been friends, havo we not? Well,"
she resumes as a vigorous nodding
of heads answers affirmatively, "as
Thomas and a few others know, after
this morning, I shall be tho matron ot
this home no longer. My health has
always been poor and now that an
uncle has left mo a llttlo money, my
husband Insists upon taking me to
the country, where I may regain my
The morning wore gloomily on. Tho
rain continued to descend in a splut
tering, dismal manner. With the com
ing of noon came the carriage nlso
that was to tako away the beloved
matron, her husband and their littlo
son, who was tho brightest gleam of
sunshine In that usually dreary home.
The farowolls had been said, tho
trio wero seated In the carriage, the
driver had Just started his horses,
when a piercing, childish scream roso
above tho drip, drip of the rain, and
the low sobbing of the inmates.
"Mamma, mamma! where Is my
Sojer Tom? I tan't doe wifout my
Soldier Tom is not coming, dear.
There, there," she said soothingly, as
the child threw back his head pre
paratory to an awful outburst "Per
haps wo will send for him bye and
The day wore on. Evening sot in
dark and cold. True to her promise.
Mrs. Dodge had left everything in
readiness for the party. Although
the inmates ,of the homo mlsBcd her
greatly, still 'twas very seldom they
had a chance to partake of ice cream
and candy. They wero but human, so,
drying their tears, they were doing
full justicce to the meal when some
Whero is Soldier Tom?"
Oh, up In the attic, I guess. Ho
goes there every night."
"What's that?" asked Mrs. Dean.
One of the men goes up into the at
tic every night? I'll soon Btop that
As sho hustled out of tho room tho
men exchanged glances wnicn dis
Mrs. Dodge has gone. Wo shall
Meanwhile old Thomas, sitting dis
consolately upon an old box in a cor
ner of the attic, an unlighted plpo In
his hand, was interrupted by Mrs,
Well, what is the meaning of this?
Don't you know you're not allowed up
hero? My goodness! tho man has ac
tually been smoking!"
No, Mrs. Dean. I'm Just holding
It in my hand to-night You see, Mrs.
Dodge allowed me to come up here.
I can't sleep unlesB I havo a littlo
sraoko, and so Mrs. Dodgo "
".Mrs. Dodgo! Mrs. Dodge! I'm
tiroJ of that nnme! Sho has gone,
and Mrs. Doan tells you that you II
como up here no more, and you'll
smoke no moro after hours! Do you
"Yes, ma'am," quietly replied tho
old man, "I understand, I undorstnnd,"
ho murmured .sadly, as he slowly loft
Two weoks passed, nnd late In tho
afternoon of a cold, crisp day In De
comber old Thomas stood by a win
dow, a look of suppressed joy in his
face and figure, as he held in ills
hand a letter; n letter from Mrs.
Dodgo, In which sho tells him she
Is now settled In her new home, but
her little son Is not happy. Homo is
not homo to hlra without his "Sojer
Tom." Therefore, sho offers him a
homo for life, n homo with her and
tho child ho lovos.
With a sobbing cry of Joy, his preci
ous letter pressed to his heart, old
Tom foil sonseless to tho floor. Ho
soon recovered and kind hands raised
him and gently placed him upon his
bed. As Mrs. Doan stood by his bod
that night, sho heard him murmur:
"My lost ulght hero; no more rules;
uo more regulations. I shall be with
my little man again. I nm his Sojor
Tom. I shall sleop hero no moro. No
Tho day dawned clear and bright
The first rays of tho morning sun fell
upon the peaceful, happy face ot Sol
dier Tom, He was sleeping, yes, con
tentedly Bleeping to wako in a bottei
world. LILLIAN BEATRICE COLD
The Horses of St, Mark.
They wero taken from Chios In the
fourth contury by tho Emperor Thco-
doslus, and placpd in the groat hippo
drome nt Constantinople, wnonce thoy
wero taken by tho Venetians In tho
year 1201. Venice and Constantinople
wore blttor rivals In trade, and largo
ly through Venetian latrlguo and di
plomacy tho Fourth Crusade was turn
ed from its original purpose into that
of the capture and practical destruc'
lion of tho splendid city on tho Bos
phorus; thus making It possible, inter
on, for the Turks to establish thorn
selves on the continent of Europe. It
was during tho sack of tho city by tho
Crusaders that It was despoiled of Its
famous horses by the Venetians.
The Retort Courteous.
"Camp-meeting" John Allen wns .a
famous Methodist preacher nnd re
vivalist of the old days down In Malno,
nnd Hku most successful pulpit ora
tors, his sense of humor was equal to
his grit of speech.
It Is recalled by the Boston Journal
that on one occasion tho old gentle
man's wife wns getting into a carriage,
and he neglected to nsslst her.
"You are not as gallant, John, as
when you wero a hoy!" she exclnlmed,
In gentle rebuke.
"No," was his ready response, "and
you aro not ns buoyant as when you
wero a gall"
From the Seat of the Scornful.
Jack and Joey at tho mpnagerie
watched the Hon cat sugar from the
trainer's hand with equal interest but
"Oh!" gasped Jooy, round-eyed.
"Pooh," said Jack. "I could do
"Of course! Quito as well as that
White Horse of Kllburn.
The biggest artificial horse in tho
world is the famous white horse of
Kllburn, England, which was formed
fifty years ago by a native of Kllburn,
who cut away the turf in the correct
form and covered it with limestone.
Tho whole occupies about two acres
of ground and may be seen twenty
miles away. It is said that twenty
persons can sit on the "eye" of tho
The Truce of God.
The "Truce of God" was Introduced
by the clergy of Gulenne around about
the year 1030. It was adopted In
Spain about .1050, In England about
10S0. According to this famous
treaty, a cessation of all violent quar
rels wns enjoined, under heavy penal
ties, during all church festivals, and
from every Wednseday evening until
the following Monday morning. This
left only about eighty days in the
year available for shooting and stab
bing one's neighbors. The truce seem3
to hnve accomplished much good, not
withstanding the fact tnat it was very
Tho Kind You Havo Always
In uso for over 30 years,
ly-jjZ- sonal supervision since its infancy.
OUcAti Allow no ono to deceive vou in this.
All Counterfeits, Imitations and " Just-as-good" aro but;
Experiments that trifle with and endanger tho health of
Infants and Children Experience against Experiment.
What is CASTOR I A
Castorla Is a, harmless substitute for Castor Oil, Pare
goric, Drops and Soothing Syrups. It is Pleasant. It
contains neither Opium, Morphine nor other Narcotic
substance. Its ago Is its guarantee. It destroys Worms
nnd allays Feverishncss. It cures Diarrhtoa and Wind
Colic. It relieves Teething Troubles, cures Constipation
and Flatulency. It assimilates tho Food, regulates tho
Stomach and Bowels, giving healthy and natural sleep.
Tho Children's Panacea Tho Mother's Friend.
GENUINE CASTOR I A ALWAYS
The KM You Have Always Bought
In Use For Over 30 Years.
TMC CCWTAUn COMPANY TT MU1IRAV T8KT N CW YORK CITY.
Hfe? HONESDALE. PA.
(i'"v. or Ohi
HOW THE NORMAN8 DINED.
Princes and Barons Lived ai Sump
tuously as the Monks of Old.
Tho Normans dined at 9 In the
morning and supped nt 5, the Dundee
Advertiser says. The tables of the
princes, prelntes and groat barons
wero sumptuously furnished with
ovory delicacy they could procure
from foreign parts. Tho monks of
Canterbury had seventeen dishes
overy day, besides a dessert; and the
monks of St. Swlthln's, In Winchester,
complained to Henry II. against thoir
nbbot for taking away three dishes
they hnd previously been allowed.
Thomas a' Beckot gavo 5 (equiva
lent to $15 of our monoy) for a dish
of eels. When this proud prolate
went on a Journey ho had In his train
elK'nt wngons, each drawn by five of
the strongest horses. Two ot those
wagons contained ale, ono tho furni
ture of his chapel, another tho furni
ture of his kitchen; the others were
filled with provlsons, clothes nnd oth
er necessaries. Ho had besides,
twelve pack horses carrying trunks
containing his ' money, plate, books
and tho ornaments of tho altar. To
each of the wagons was chained a
fierce mastiff, and on each of the pack
hr-gpq nn npp or n " nnkcy.
Attention is called to the STRENGTH
The FINANCIER of New York
City lias published a ROLL Or
HONOR of the 11,470 State Banks
and Trust Companies of United
States. In this list the WAYNK
COUNTY SAVINGS BANK
Stands 38th in the United States
Stands 10th in Pennsylvania.
Stands FIRST in Wayne County.
Capital, Surplus, $455,000.00
Total ASSETS, $2,733,000.00
Honesdalo, Pa.. May 29, 190S
Bought, and which has Been
has homo tho signature of
has heen mado under his pcr-
KRAFT & CONGER