VOL. XXVII.
" THE LAND FOR THE PEOPLE."
MB. A. J. MOXHAM'S LECTURE BEFOKE
THE HENKY GEORGE CLUB ON
MONDAY NIGHT.
Wages Not Paid by Capital, but From the
Produce ot Labor—A Lengthy Argu
i „ merit Setting Forth Some of the Main
Point* In Henry George'* Theory.
The lecture of A. J. Moxham, Esq., de
livered at the rooms of the Henry George
i Club on Monday night was, excepting the
extracts read from " Progress and Pov
erty," substantially as follows :
Mr. Moxham begun his lecture by read
ing an extract from Hpnry George's
" Progress and Poverty," on "why in
of increase in productive power do
not wages advance in proportion ?" The
accepted political economy answers : be
| cause wages are fixed by the ratio between
the number of laborers and the amouut of
capital. It says that capital pays labor;
therefore the more laborers there are for
a given amount of capital the less per man
I is the result. This has been taught uni
versally and believed universally. This
•belief has prompted men who suffer to
' imagine that if they could get all capital
ll and distribute it, all could be rich. Au
archists, socialists, and many other "ists"
have been tempted by this "will of the
wisp," and not unnaturally. If it is true
that capital is the means by which labor
f is paid, then it is but a step further to be
lieve ns there nrc millioijs of laborers in
this world and all paid by it. capital must
be a thing well worth having—nay, it
must be well nigh inexhaustible,
i In 1880 the total wealth of this country
I Kvas 01,459 : millions. Of this amouut
I what is termed capital, or wealth used
I'' for productive purposes only, could only
: be a small proportion, let us put it at
40,000 millions (perhaps that is too high),
and let us take this capital and di
vide it among the sixty-five millions of
I people of this country. They get less
than S7OO each. All the capital accuinu -
lated during the whole existence of Amer
ica as a nation would not keep the wolf
from the door for a year, if there were no
' other 9ource of wealth and no other means i
of recuperution. This analysis would iu
dicau- tlisc instead of capital being the
? source of our wealth, something else big
ger thnu capital must be the entree of it*
J wealth. Again, if it is true that capital
pay 6 labor, the more capital, the more
' the laborers get. Those countries which
I' are richest would be tiie countries which
would pay the liigheSt rates of wages; i.e.,
those countries which were the oldest in
' civilization. Is it so ? No; wages are
' universally higher in new countries than
i in old, and in new countries cap
ital is always scarce ; in old countries
always plentiful. If capital pays labor,
then high wages and low interest go to-1
gether, because high wages must mean
more capital, and plenty of capital nways j
means low interest. Is this true? No;
on every side you find one law as abso
lute as that of the Medes and Persians;
viz., wages and interest go both down
I 4 and up together.
'During times of great depression, when
wages ore at the lowest poiut and men
are begging for work, what is capital do
ing? Why its wages (which is interest)
are at the lowest point, and like labor it
also is begging for work. During the de
pression that followed the panic of 1873 I
knew of capitalists who could not get one
per cent for their capital, and I knew of
men who could not get seventy-five cents
a day for their labor. Nay more, I knew
of capital and men that could get no work
at all, therefore could get nothing for
t their labor. Thus under conditions
• ' which admit of no explanation consistent
with the theory that capital pays labor, do
we find high interest coinciding with high
labor, and low interest with low wages—
I capital seeming scarce when labor is
scarce, and abundant when labor is plen
tiful. All these facts point to a relation
between labor and capital, ami—note you
well—it is a relation of mutual harmony
and not one of opposition. As we go on
with our investigation we will learn that
[ Capital is just as helpless as labor in it 8
> future struggle with n power that is an
' enemy to both. What that power is our
( later lectures will prove.
If labor is not paid by capital, what is
it paid by ? We hope this evening to an
swer that query by proving that labor is
paid by itself.
Because labor iB paid in money and
generally paid before the product of labor
has been turned into money, it is inferred
.that wages are drawn from pre-existing
I capital, and therefore labor can not be
employed till capital lias beet accumu-
I lated, and yet the very same school
teaches that capital is nothing tut "store
up, or accumulated labor." Is it not a
little inconsistent to couple the two state
ments ? First grasp and hold on to one
truth—" Society in its most complicated
form is hut an elaboration of society in its
modest beginnings. The man <omes from
the baby. Principles, evide|t in the
simplest state of society, arc erely dis
guised, not changed, by an advancing
and complicated civiliaaton, and
when JOT real he pure
truth, go to the baby, leav the man
JOHNSTOWN, CAMBRIA COUNTY. PA., FRIDAY, JANUARY 10, 1890.
alone- The baby does not lie, it ling not
learned 'o. The man cannot help it; lie
has become "civilized," according to In
gersoll's story.
Here Mr. Moxliam again read several
pages from Progress and "overty and
then continued : Before proceeding
further let us give our terms a meaning.
There are three elements that enter into
the production of wealth in to-day's civili
zation, viz., Man, Land and Capital. All
wealth is produced bv labor. When man
kind was in its infancy there was no cap
ital except that provided by the Godhead,
in the thing called life, and that he gives
us yet. Man we define as that creature
or animal, made in the image of the God
head—less than this we can not say, more
we dare not. Isind we define as includ
ing everything existent not made by man
—not merely the surface of the earth, but
the whole material universe, its forces,
and opdortunitics. and everything sup
plied by Nature.
Starting with these two we produce
by man's labor. Wealth, which menus
all natural products obtained by the
exercise of man's labor on land, that tend
to the gratification of man's desires, but
we find that if man is not debarred from
the natural opportunities that exist in
land, he can make more wealth than lie
need use. We, the followers of Henry
George, believe he can make more than
he can use. As man does not want
nothing but labor, he saves part of this
wenlth, so that when he wants to rest he
can, and puts it by for further use and
expediency, and out of part of the wealth
so stored up comes Capital; viz., that
part of a man's stock of wealth, which he
expects to use for the purpose of getting
out of it some return or revenue. We
must exclude from capital everything that
is included in land or labor, and we will
call it " wealth in course of exchange."
As men multiply it is found that instead
of isolation, caeli from his fellow, and
living and laboring as units, it is better to
work together. It is found that 100 men,
each taking the special work he is fitted
for, cau produce more than 100 times as
much as one man. As each does all lie
can in his own line and then exchanges
the surplus of his particular products
above his individual wants with those who
have a similar surplus of their own and
different products. The fisherman gives
some to the man who makes shoes by ex
change, each get what he wants, and so
on. In this general exchange, we want a
name that willl explain whnt part of the
general distribution goes to the different
elements of wealth. So we say that the
proportion done by land is paid for by
rent. The proportion done by man is
paid for by wages, and capital is
paid by interest. We must now define
the"threc. Rent, the return received for
the use of laud, means that share of
wealth which mensuies natural products
and opportunities, Wages means that
part of wealth which gives us a return
for labor us distinguished from the re
turn received for the use of land and the
I return for the use of capital. We include
iu this the labor of all who work—not the
day laborers alone, hut all men who work,
whether as bankers, doctors, authors or
day laborers. Inttrest is the return for
the use of capital. To continue we will
first consider man as his own employer,
and bear in mind that if not debarred
from natural opportunities, every man
who so desires could to-day be his own
employer. Remember that we are dealing
particularly with the returns of wages
and capital. Say I devote rav labor to
gathering bird's eggs as food, or picking
berries. Are not the eggs or benies I
get my wages ? There is no capital in
this case, or if I take a piece of leather
and make it into shoes, the shoes are my
wages, Are they drawn from capital,
either mine or arybody else's ? If you
choose to call the leather my capital, have
I taken any valuo lrom it ? No ; I have
added value to it, snd if this be your ar
gument what is left is the capital plus my
wages—-the additional value being my
wages. We wiil go further and
take agriculture. Since the days
of the Roman Empire large dis
districts in Europe have been worked by
what is called the " Metayer System"—a
system similar to the practice of farming
on shares, where tau landowner and capi
talist, generally combined in one, gets his
return from the resulting produce. Does
the capitalist pay the laborer? It seems
to mc in this case the laborer pays the
capitalist.
The next step is advance brings us to
the case where the laborer, though work
ing for another or witli another's capital,
roccives his wages in kind, or a step
further, though estimated in kind, is paid
in money. For example, on American
whaling ship the custom is to pay a fixed
portion of the catch, say from one
twelfth to the captain to one three
hundredth to the cabin boy. Can any
thing be clearer than that these wages
this oil and bone, which the whaler has
taken—have nqt been drawn fioni capi
tal? The principle with whalers is, no
catch, no wages. Take again the admir
alty law under which sailors work. One
maxim ia that freight is the mother of
wages, and any disaster which prevents
the ship from earning freight deprives the
seamen of his claim] for wages. Pro
duction is always the mother of wages,
and invariably when the truth is reached
does labor precede wage*.
It is urged that labor cannot exercise its
productive power unless supplied by cap
ital with maiutenauce. The laborer must
have food, clothing, etc., before he can
work. True, but is this food and clothing
truly capital? Is it "wealth devoted to
exchange," and can you measure
its return by the interest at so
much per cent paid to it? No: this
confusion results from a misconception—
intentional or otherwise—of what capital
is. The payment of wages always sup
plies the prctiou* rending of labor, and
so far as the employe is concerned it is
but a receipt of a portion of the capital
which his labor has previously produced.
In the exchange of labor for wages the
emyloyer always gets the capital created
by the laborer before he pays out any cap
ital in wages. At what point is his cap
ital lessened, even temporarily?
The laborer who works for his employer
does not get his wages till he has per
formed the work. He is exactly like a
depositor in a bank. He can not draw
money out till he has put money in. In
paying wages the capitalist only ex
changes capital of the one form for cap
ital of another form. The payment of
wages, no matter how long the process,
never involves any advance of capital.
It may take two years to build a steel
works, but the creation of value of which
the steel works will bo the sum goes on
day by day from the hour the foundation
is dug till the works are finished.
In agriculture the creation of value
does not take place at once but by degrees
—step by step from the sowing of the seed
till the crop is gathered, and that no pay
ment of wages in the intervf.l lessens the
farmer's capit 1 is proved when the laud
is sold or rented during the growth of a
crop. A plowed field will bring more
than one not plowed, or a sowed field
more again than a plowed field. Nor is
the maintenance of labor drawn from cap
ital. Food, clothing, and all articles of
wealth are only capital so lor-g as the
owners propose not to consume but to ex
change them for other commodities as a
means ot gettiiig a return or increase of
wealth. Keep clear the line between
wealth that is capital and wealth that is net
capital. All) capital is wealth, but
not all ycultli is capital. Men
do not comumo clothes and food
according to whether the doing of it
is goiug to lead to a return by their going
to work. They, put on clothes because
they want comfort; they eat because they
arc hungry.
London has jjenty of capital, and' if
maintenance were drawn from capital
this would suflicj, yet if productive labor
in London were lo cease, within a few
hours men and'women would die like
sheep.
The series ol exchanges is like curved
pipe filled withtvuter. If more water is
poured in one,'end, the same comes out
the other, not identically Ihe same water
but its equivalent. Those tvho do the
work of production put iu as they take
out—generally putting in a li'tle more
than they take but. They receive in sub
sistence and Mages but the products of
their labor.
We do not that capital is not use
ful. It is very useful, but we do urge
that labor can get along without capital
far belter than capital without labor. All
the capital of London would not do the
African savage much good, yet such
capital as he wants he manages to ac
quire, and it is as civilization advances—
as more capital is needed—that it is pro
duced, and that easily by united labor,
just as the human organism secretes what
blood it needs. The purpose of capital is
not to advance wages or subsist laborers,
it is to assist labor in production with
tools, sedl, etc., and with the wealth re
quired to carry on exchanges. If there
fore we are right in these conc'usions, all
schemes !ooking to the alleviation of pov
erty by increasing capital or by restricting
the number of laborers, must be condemned
If each hborer in performing labor really
creates the fund from which his labor is
drawn a< we hold lie does, then wages
cannot be diminished by increase of
laborers, but, on the contrarp, the more
laborers the greater the fund and Hie
higher fhould wages be. We know that
at present this is is not so, and we be
lieve we know why it is not so. This,
amongother lessons, will be taken up in
our subsequent lectures. To-night we
want only to consider wages and capital.
We urge, as we believe has been clearly
proved, that capital does not pay wages.
There is one capitalist who pays wages,
and that is the Godhead, and lie gives to
inan h advance the capital from which
he draws those wages. When He puts
him on this eardi Ho puts into him life,
and puts before him opportunity, and
that life lasts long enough for man to tin n
bis opportunity to account. Imagine the
creation according to the old school of
Political Economy. Picture the Godhead
creating man and putting him naked into
Eden only—man and land -and then cre
ating a Rothschild and drawing on him
for funds to keep his universe going.
After thinking this out make up your
whether wages are drawn from
capital or capital from wages.
LETTER FROM SOMERSET,
Comity limtltute—Futullty Among Physi
cians—The Nicelys.
SOMERSET, PA., January 3, 1890.
To ihe JCaitor of the Johnstown Democrat.
As a looker on here in Somerset, I have
bem impressed with the bustle and stir to
he ivitnessed on every band. Streets are
thronged with men, women and children
fiou all parts of the county, and from
adjiining counties. Hotels, boarding
bot|ies and private dwellings are all
paoted with guests. Stores, offices and
shoes are filled from early morning until
latehours in the night with buyers and
gosupers.
Mhy all this life? The answer is, that
it is the annual gathering of the hundreds
engiged in the laudable work of " teach
ing he young idea how to shoot;" in
otbr words, it is the week of the County
lusitute. More spruce young men with
silk mufflers, and prettier young
worien never graced any Pennsylvania
tow), than those to be seen in the streets,
in tte Court House iu day time and in the
<)pe:a House in the evening, than are
visitng this county seat. And if one
weiy to believe half of what Professor
Breaks, of Philadelphia, one of the in
stnptors, says, a better equipped corps of
tea<hers is not to be found in any other
couity than those now representing 'lie
scluols of this cou lty.
Tie day sessions of the Institute are
held in the Court House, and the evening
lectlres are delivered iu the Opera House,
bott places being tilled to overflowing
witienthusiastic audiences. Of the pro
ceedings of the Institute proper, it can
be iid they have been of a very interest
ing and instructive character from
firsn to last. As to the lectures,
it mjy be said some were good and oth
ers juliffereutly so. The notorious Sam
Small's harangue, yclept " From the
Har-ftoom to the Pulpit " was in keeping
witllthc man—coarse, abusive, sarcastic,
fun*- ant! v.ninstructivc to many of his
audbnee, but highly entertaining to oth
ers. Professor Brook's lecture was a lit
tle tio profound to be popular in the eyes
and li ars of a mixed crowd. Will E.
Cailjton, measured up to the expectations
of everybody, in talking about home.
While he cannot render some of the i
funny tiling:, iie has written wilii gs goojl
effect as Riley or Mill Nye cau most of
their productions, lie is a popular lectur
er, and always gives satisfaction. Artis
tically considered the Boston Stars, in
their performances, were a success ; their
only failure was along the line of what is
regarded as popular music. The Hub
culture is a notch or two too high for
general appreciation.
This town has been sorely visited with
in the past four weeks. The well-known
nud popular physician, Dr. Brubaker,
whose sudden death cast a gloom on the
whole county, had scarcely been laid
away in Ins grave, until the people were
called Upon to mourn the loss of Dr.
Blcscaker, whose good qualities as a
your.p man, and whose skill as a physi
cian, lad given hint prominence in the
eyes oj all. And now the sad announce
ment b made of the 9udden death of Dr.
Miller, a well rounded and accompl'hed
pliysijian, who caino here from Berlin to
take '(ie place of Dr. Brubaker. Wednes
day morning at nine o'clock, he
left home to visit patients in the
connliy, and at three o'clock p. M., he
was !ound dead in his bnggy—the
horseliaving picked his own wayjfor two
or thipe miles along the road. His death
is attiibuted to lupg and heart complica
tion. The doctor was a son-in-law of
llou.jA. J. Colburn, at whose house the
lifeless body will remain until Saturday,
wherlit will be taken to Berlin for inter
mcLt The shock to his wife has been so
great! that much anxiety is felt as to the
result.
A grange fatality seemingly has lighted
upon, the medical profession in the
coun(y. Within the past four weeks Dr.
Bloufh, a young roan with fine prospects,
located at Meyersdale, and who had just
returned from his wedding trip, took sud
denly sick and died in a very short time
afterward.
Un to date only a few cases of influenza
are imported, all being of a comparatively
mild type.
Upon inquiry 1 find the Nicely boys,
convicted and sentenced to be hung for
the murder of Farmar Umberger, are still
in the old insecure jail. As the Governor
has not set the day for their execution,
and as no time lias been fixed for a hear
ing before the Pardon Board, one never
hears a word said about them, unless
elicited by an inquiry. A LOOKER ON.
At Their Einnl Renting Place.
The remains of Rev. Alotiza P. Diller,
who prior to the flood was pastor of St.
Murk's Episcopal Church, were on Sat
urday toge'her with those of his wife and
child, exhumed in Prospect and taken to
the morgue. Yesterday afternoon, after
funeral services, the remains of the three
were finally interred in Grand View.
A lady tells us that she heard a colored
preacher say : "De fo' part of de house
will please sit down; fo' de hind part
cannot see de fo' part if de fo' part per
sist in standing befo' de hind part, to de
uttab obsclusion of do hind part by de fo'
part."— Christian Advocate.
| TWO MORE DEATHS ON THE RAIL.
Mail Went Tenterilay Evening Danlien Upon
Two Men at Henncreek and Kills Tliem
Both.
Monday afternoon about 4:25 o'clock,
as the Mail Train west rounded the curve
in the cut just east of Benscreek station,
about twenty miles east of this place, it
struck two men, knocking them off the
track. The train was stopped as soon as
possible, but the men were both dead
when picked up. They were put in the
baggage car and brought to this place
and left in the baggage room at the sta
tion.
One of them had both legs broken and
was bruised about the face and head. The
other had the back of his head crushed
n and was otherwise mangled. The life
must have been knocked out of botli in
stantly.
Both were young men, apparently not
twenty-five years of age. and wore work
ing clothes. They had the appearance of
foreigners, and are thought to be miners
in the Benscreek collieries. The bodies
were brought from the station to the
morgue at a late hour last uigbt. They
will be buried at the county's expense.
The trainmen 9aid that they had either
stepped out of the way of a freight train
which was moving on the other track, or
had just got off of it. That locality is
noted for the great amount of riding done
on freight trains, and perhaps these poor
fellows were doing as most of their asso
ciates were in the habit of doing. The
grade at the place where the accident hap
pened i 9 very heavy, and it furnishes a
good opportunity for persons to get off or
on east-bound freight trains, which move
quite slowly there.
St. rani's Ungallaiit Beaux.
St. Paul pioneer Press.
Last winter, so the story is whispered
around the circles of upper-tendom, a re
ception was held at the home of one of
society's local queens. When gentlemen
iu coats of steel pen cut and ladies clad in
fashion's triumphs were curtseying and
bowing to the well-marked measures of
a quadrille, 10, a garter was seou lying
upon the floor among the feet of the
light-hearted dancers. Of course, some
Chevalier Bayard of the ball room
stooped and picked up the dainty circlet,
to keep until claimed by its fair OWIICI\H
T&iembering-how a king bent down ;■ ."(
gain the Countess of Salisbury's garter and j
made it the badge of England's highest !
order. But no: they politely stnred, |
while ladies blushed, until the hostess
discovering the cause, sent a domestic
who removed the shocking article upon a
dustpan. Ye gods, such is the nineteenth
century, that the young men would hold
themselves polluted by the touch of a
silken circlet. Once men went forth to
battle, trusting in the talisman of a little
ribbon or a fragment of a maiden's samite
dress.
Description of the Bodies.
We noticed Wednesday the find. !
iug of the body of a woman at Coopers
dale on Mondav. In removing the wo
man the body of a man was found under
her. The morgue descriptions arc ns I
follows:
No. 525, female, dark hair, cnl'co dress, j
probably Mother Hubbard, white cotton '•
undergarments. The body was fairly j
well preserved, but the clothing was
nearly all gone. She was five feet three
inches in height, had a full head of brown
hair, and wore a switch. There was a
small notched rubber hairpin nud a long
rubber hairpin broken in two, having a
round top. The dress had a dash of red
crossed with white, and polka dots on a
brown ground.
No. 526, male, pants of figured woolen
goods, red flannel drawers, w rite shirt
with linen standing collar, gray flannel
undershirt, gold separable collar button,
white cotton socks, trunk or desk key in
pocket, also a " surprise box " He was
five feet eight inches in height, narrow,
low forehead and wide jaws. The upper
teeth gone, all tW lower teeth small and
irregular.
The County's New Officer*.
The new county officers will assume
their duties to-day. They are all Demo
crats. Following is the list: Prothono
tary, James C. Darby, of Conemaugh
borough, who succeeds 11. A. Shoe
maker : Register and P.ccorder, Celestine
J. Blair, of Ebensburg, who succeeds
himself; District Attorney, Frank J.
O'Connor, of Johnstown, who succeeds
Hon. John Fenlon, appointed by the
Court to fill the unexpired term of the late
Harry G. Rose; Poor Director, Raphael
Hite, who succeeds Jacob Shaffer, de
ceased, Coroner, Peter McGough, of Por
age, who succeeds Dr. D. W. Evans, of
Johnstown; Auditor, Joseph Hipps. who
succeeds Louis Roland, of Johnstown,
deceased ; Surveyor, Henry Scanlan, of
Carrolltown.
Thoughtful nd Kind.
Mr. Hughes, of Hoover, Hughes & Co.,
ou Saturday, ordered his foreman in
charge of the new Lincoln Bridge, to
erect side walks on either side of the
bridge at the expense of his firm.
No provision was made in the contract
with Hoover, Hughes & Co., for side
walks, and Mr. Hughes will be entitled to
the thanks of the whole community for
his kind thoughtfulness in providing side
walks for our people at this time.
NO 38
GLADSTONE ON CARNEGIE.
What tile Grand Old Man Thinks ot the
Iron King's Views n the Dulles of
Wealth.
Mr. Gladstone has become deeply in*
terested in Andrew Carnegie's ideas con
cerning the duties of wealth, as set forth
in a recent article in the North American
Review. Mr. Gladstone says he agrees
with Carnegie in nearly everything that
he affirms and recommends, and his
(Gladstone's) maiu reservation i 9 prompt
ed by Carnegie's language respecting the
Endowment of Stanford University}
Gladstone says he has some doubts as to
whether large endowments of places of
learning do not raise the market price of
the higher education, which they aim at
lowering. " I must add," he says, " that
the growing tendency to the dissociation
of universities as such from religion does
not abate hut enhances the force of all
such cansiderations ns have suggested my
| language toieicrve."
" I now come to an important addition
which I should like to attach to the gos
pel of wealth. I see no reason why, in
the list of admissible or desirable objects
for the dedication of funds, we are not to
Include their direct dedication to the
service and honor of God. The money
spent in the erection of our cathedrals
and our great churches, hardly inferior to
cathedrals, has been large, and has in
my judgment been very well laid out.
What I have said as to the endowment of
offices and places has some application to
the great province of religiou ; but apart
from this, and apart from the marvellous
and noble works, such as cathedrals, the
institutions of religion and the woi k9 of
devotion, learning, mercy, and utility
connected with it are numerous and di
versified. Religion is a giant with a hun
dred hands, whose strength, however, is
not for rapine, but for use. I should wish
to bring its claim, proportionate, and
therefore large, under the consideration
of the open-handed and open-minded
philanthropist."
NOT ENOUGH THERE NOW.
llortiue Greeley's Iteuson* lor Declining to
Tii'.cca Subscription.
From the Buffalo Kxpress.
To interrupt Hotacc Greeley when lie
was m the throes if bringing fotlh an
[editorial an editorial which hns never
been EQUALED in HID journalism cf Anie
ica, an editorial wnicli was a Slogan for
his pa'.ty, a thunderbolt for his foes, was
a danger v. h.eh ho frie..d, no enemy, none
hut a fool dared encounter. I was once
in his editorial sanctum when the fool was
there, said Chauncey Depew in a speech
to the Buffalo Press Club. To relieve
your appreliensious I was not the fool.
But lie was one of those itinerant and per
sistent gentlemen with a subscription
book. He kept presenting it while old
Horace was writing—ns most of you re
member, with bis pen away up to his
chin, like this, (illustrating)—and Horace
had a habit when anyone would interfere
of kicking and so he kicked at the sub
scription fiend. Finally, when he saw lie
could not. get rid of the intruder by this
means lie stopped in the middle of a
sentence, 'timed round and said rnspingly
in that sin ill voice of his :
"What do you want? State it quick
and state it in the fewest possible words."
" Well," said the subscription fiet.d,
" I want a subscription, Sir. Greeley, to
prevent thousands of my fellow human
beings from going to hell."
Said Sir. Greeley : " I won't give you
a cent. There don't half enough go
there now."
TO MAKE MURKY OVEII.
She—Sir, what do you mean by putting
your arm around my waist ?
lie —Do you object ?
She—Mr. Arthur Gordon, I'll give you
just five hours to remove your arm.—
Beacon.
" What's the trouble here ? " he said to
a crowd assembled in front of a Third
avenue table d'hote restaurant.
" An Italian Count has just died," vol
unteered on of the crowd. " While eat
ing his macaroni he got some of it wound
nround his neck and strangled to death."
—Epoch.
Miss X.—That Italian Count seems to
lead a rather monotnous life.
Sirs. Y.—Yes ; I notice he never has
any change.— Life.
Fair Bostomau (to her Kansas cousin.)
—Always sip soup from the side of the
spoon."
Kansas Cousin (desperately.) —Yes; but
I can'r get it in sideways.— Puck.
" You ask for the hand of my daugh
ter? What expectation have you?
"Why—none at all."
"Neither has my daughter. Take ( r
and be happy.— Fliegcnde Blactter.
Anxious Mamma (of six daughters, o
eldest)— Ethel, you really must exirt
yourself more. Here it is the middle of
your second season, and you haven't bad
a signle good offer yet. You know I
must bring Clara out next season and
Maud the next, and there are three to
come after them.
Ethel—Yes, mamma, I have been con
sidering the matter, and I think the only
way is to persuade papa, to buy us all a
machine, and let us learn typewriting.
—Fvtk.