Montour American
FRANK C. ANGLE, Proprietor.
Danville, Pa., Nov. 18, l*>(iy.
ME iT "
GREAT CAU
Ted Coy, the Foot Ball Star and
Some of His Work on
the Gridiron.
Even one with little knowledge of
football has but to witness the Yale
team at work to realize that iu Ted
Coy the college has a wonderful play
er. This fact was brought out two
seasons ago, and this year his work on
the gridiron Is proving as brilliant as
ever. As a line smasher and punter
he stands alone, and his sensational
splays have astonished even the men
on bis own team.
Ted Coy is a native of Connecticut
end since he was a youngster has
K> 'y
TED COY, YAI.E'fl CHEAT STAIt.
played and studied the game. He is
very strong physically and is built on
massive outlines, ilis shoulders are
broad and large boned. His chest is
deep, and the muscular development
of the torso is superior to that of the
average man of his age and height.
Add to this a pair of legs which seem
to be without limit as to power and
energy and which must be fed by boil
ers intended for an engine of forty
horsepower and an idea may be ob
tained of the amount of resistance
which is needed to combat him on the
football field.
In a Harvard game once Coy was
held by sheer force of numbers and
could not move an inch farther, but
he was not downed—not a bit of if.
He stood upright, the center of all of
the group. The ball was still iu his
hand, and the referee had blown his
whistle to announce that it was a
fresh down, but Coy was standing up.
They had been uuable to throw him to
the earth.
Last season Coy made ten touch
downs for Yale, and there are some
who believe that if he hnd been al
lowed to run once more in the Har
vard game when he was close to the
goal Yale would have scored a touch
down. The Crimson was watching him
in every play, however, and almost
all of the Harvard defense was de
voted to stopping Coy.
A.i Ameilcan Grammar.
Robert It. Hitt, who at the time rep
resented our government in I'aris as
a secretary of legation, went to Egypt
in regard to a matter involving the
life of a Greek American subject He
landed iu Alexandria and went to the
Hotel Europe aud found the rooming
clerk busy assigning rooms to the new
ly arrived passengers, a regular poly
glot in languages. He heard him speak
Arabic, Greek, French, Italian and
German. So when It came Mr. Hltt's
turn to register he jocosely said, "Do
you speak American?" The clerk
promptly replied: "A leetle. Der vaa
one American here lately who gave
me an American grammar." Mr. Hitt
asked to have a look at the book. The
clerk promptly told one of the garcons
to get the book out of his room, and
while the book was being brought the
clerk said, "De grammar is phonetic."
When the book was brought, lo aud
behold, it was a copy of Petroleum
V. Nasby's letters. D. It. Locke while
In Egypt had presented a copy to the
-clerk, telling him it was aa American
grammar.
The Hunter and the Wind.
In hunting against the wind in open
forests more game is passed than
TO.'i ny hunters would suppose. The an
imals see the man, note that he will
pass them and hide by getting as near
to the ground as possible. If they
scent him after he has passed they
evidently realize that the danger is
over, though some, mostly the younger,
inexperienced animals, then sueak off.
\Where game is very wild it is often iu
such localities as i have mentioned
■ only possible to approach them with
the wind by outdistancing the latter
because a big game animal at rest de
pends on its nose to save it from dan
ger in the direction from which the
wind comes and on its eyes to watch
the side from which it can get no oth
er warning.—"Track and Tracking," by
Josef i'.runner.
To Tame Him.
"So you're going to introduce base
ball among the prisoners? I don't ap
prove. What will become of disci
pline?"
"If a man gets too obstreperous," re
plied the warden confidently, "we'll
make him umpire." Philadelphia
Ledger.
First Turbine Locomotive.
A British locomotive company re
cently completed and tested the first
Bteam turßine locomotive. The new
is pronounced a success.
HIS MONEY TROUBLE.
He Gained a Dime and Then He Fig*
ured Up the Loss.
The next time Lionel, whose other
name doesn't matter, gets his optics on
an unattached dime he'll look the oth
er way. For Lionel is all peeved up
over an adventure he had the other
night—an adventure that had a dime
for its foundation and for which he
can blame no one but Lionel, lie re
hearsed his money trouble thuswise:
"In a Broadway car I suw it—the
dime that was hoodooed. It lay upon
the floor of the car unclaimed and
lonesome. No one else seemed to care
to take it in and give it a welcome, so
I did. But even as I reached for the
bit of silver the trouble drama opened.
My suspenders snapped with the strain
—for, as you cau see, I'm not built on
the sunken garden plan as regards
avoirdupois. Thereupon I reached back
to gather the frayed ends of the busted
surcingle, still feeling for the chunk of
white metal with the other hand. My
watch, not to be shoved out of the
drama without a chance to do its little
part, dropped out of my pocket, mak
ing a decided hit. The crystal broke
into 7.8C0 pieces, not counting the one
that I got in my finger later. The
works mingled with the dirt and shat
tered glass, and the case tripped gayly
into a corner. Just to show it was
also interested, a perfectly good silver
dollar bounced out of my waistcoat
pocket and did the vanishing act
where, I know not. A fountain pen,
all framed up with gold bands, follow
ed suit. By this time I was giving the
rest of the passengers the show of
their lives—and nobody coming across
with anything but the giggle gag. And
1 couldn't vocalize my feelings because
there were ladies present. Holding
onto my wrecked raiment and carry
ing my assorted ruins as well as I
might, I hurled myself off that car
at the next corner. Then T beat it for !
a friendly retreat and totaled up the I
event. The wreck had set me back '
S4l, but I had the dime!"— Cincinnati |
Times-Star. '
HIS LEGAL AUTHORITY.
It Seemed to Fit the Case, and Joey j
Was Discharged.
There was consternation among the j
young folk. The "music" for the danc- |
ing at the picnic in the glen had got I
into trouble. No one ever considered !
any other "music" but Joey the fiddler. |
lie was Indispensable, but he was also j
erratic. In the old country Joey had
been a schoolteacher and a man of
considerable learning, but here he had '
fallen into evil ways. lie was over- 1
fond of two things—a bottle and an !
argument. Having become engaged in !
the latter on this day of the picnic, he
broke the former over the head of his
opponent and was haled away to the i
lockup. The young people cnlled a !
hasty meeting and appointed i com
mittee to wait upon Squire Nugent to
secure the release of tbo "music" if 1
possible. The squire was hearing \
Joey's case when the committee ar j
rived. The spokesman respectfully ex- '
plained the absolute necessity of Joey's
presence at the picnic that day.
"That's a good soul, squire. I'ave me
go."put In Joey.
The squiro took down a ponderous
lawbook and began thoughtfully to
turn the pages.
"If you're lookin' for the legal au
thority coverin' my case, squire, ye'll
find it in Byron." the prisoner sug
gested.
"Can you quote it?" asked the mag
istrate. with a twinkle in his eye.
"Aye, so I can," Joey promptly re
torted. "It reads. 'On with the dance;
let Joey be unconfined.' "
The squire adjudged Byron a com
petent authority, and Joey was uncon
fined.—Catholic Standard and Times.
Enjoying Himself.
A fond mother sent her small boy
into the country and after a week of
anxiety received the following letter:
"I got here all right, and 1 forgot to
write before. It is a very nice place to
have fun. A fellow and I went out in
a boat, the boat tipped over, and a
man got me out, and I was so full of
water that I didn't know notliin' for a
long while.
"The other boy has to be buried
when they find him. nis mother camo
from her home, and she cried all the
time. A horse kicked me over, and I
have got to have some money to pay
the doctor for mendin' my head. It
was broken a bit.
"We are goin' to set an old barn on
fire tonight, and I am not your son if
I don't have some real fun. I lost my
watch, and I am very sorry. I shall
bring home some snakes and a toad,
and I shall bring home a tame crow if
I can get 'em in my trunk."—London
Globe
A Matter of Smokestacks.
The smokestacks on ocean vessels of
recent years have been made to slope
backward more particularly to give the
steamer a rakish air, the roasts also
being given the same slope. As to the
effect on the draft, there is a slight
one, as the wind pressure on the front
of the stack sloping up and over the
top of the stack is more apt to draw
the smoke out than to cut it off. but
from all we are aware of this seems
to have been held of secondary con
sideration. The shape of the smoke
stacks also is changing from round to
oval so as to present less surface .at
the front. If you compare the steam
ers with the sloping and straight
smokestacks, in one case the former,
while motionless, still appears to have
life, while the rigidity of the other
gives it an appearance of etiffness
even while under considerable speed.—
St. Nicholas.
Prompt Rebuke.
"Orlando, you mustn't put your arm
around my waist."
"Why, Gloriana, it's been there for
half an hour."
"Well, I didn't notice it till Just
now."—Chicago Tribune.
The Real Victim.
After a man has been sick a week
his wife looks worse than he does
from taking care of him.—Atchison
Globe.
Advantage Is a better soldier than
rashness.—Shakespeare.
A QUESTION OF BAIT.
Bhould the Beggar Leave Few or Man/
Cents In His Hat?
"One thing that I've never been able
to settle iu my mind to my own sat
isfaction," said a street beggar whose
specialty is sitting on a step and hold
ing out his hat to passersby, "is the
question of how many pennies It is
wise to have In the hat for people to I
see as they go by. Of course you un- I
derstand there are two theories on thic. |
Working on one you leave there only I
a few, just three or four pennies scat- j
tered around irregular, but pretty far [
apart, and on the other you leave in (
the hat a lot of pennies.
"Of course the Idea of the first plan I
is to make people when they see how |
little you've got want, to chip In and j
help, and the Idea of the other plan I
is to stir people up to generosity by
showing them how generous others |
have been, and there's a heap to be I
said for that. There's lots of people
that give because other people have
given—because they like togo with
the crowd.
"I've tried both plans and had good
days with lean bait and bad days with
a full bait in the hat. and then I've
had good days with a full bait ix<
bad da;'s with a lean bait. All yot can
do is, if one plan doesn't work well, I
try the other. You never can tell."— j
New York Sun.
AVIATION.
The Dangers Involved In Three Di- j
mensional Steering.
The navigation of the air Is a form of j
locomotion that differs from all the ;
others to which men have resorted In j
that it Involves three dimensional steer- j
log.
It is in the three dimensional nature
of aviation that the real wonder of it j
lies. Its demands upon the aviator's j
attention are almost appalling In nura- ,
ber and constancy. The automobilist
has to mind what he is about not a lit- !
tie, and a moment's carelessness means j
disaster, but his divagations from safe- i
ty are all horizontal. The road and
gravity take care of the others for him,
while the oeroplanist can make mis- j
takes ail the way around a sphere; j
hence. In addition to lending an atteu- ]
tlve ear to every sound from a com
plicated and delicate engine, he must ;
manipulate one rudder for up and
down, another for right and left and !
two more at the ends of his wings, j
And all these must be combined and ,
co-ordinated. Water is stability itself ,
in comparison with the medium through
which he moves. When in flight, there
fore. the aviator is probably the busiest
man alive, and there is not an instant j
of rest for him till after he has made
bis perilous descent.—New York Times.
He Put the Brake On.
In his autobiography the late Pro
fessor Shaler of Harvard tells this
story: Once he was present at a dinner
in England where Tyndall, the re
nowned scientist, started to tell about
experiences in America. His descrip
tions were, to say the least, exagger
ated. Just as he was telling about a
thrilling escape from drowning which
he had had while viewing Niagaru
falls—describing it with bursts of hy
perbole—his eye to catcb
that of Shaler, whom he had not no
ticed before.
For a roomeut Tyudall stopped,
abashed—then, with wink of the eye.
as if begging Shaler not to "give him
away," he continued the tale, but In a
noticeably subdued vein.
At its couclusion Tyndall sought
Shaler.
"I fear that yarn of mine was rather
highly colored," he confessed to the
American, "but it is sometimes neces
sary to touch up the truth a bit."
More Than One Trafalgar Square.
The Scotland Yard examination
which would be taxicab drivers have
to undergo in the knowledge of Lon
don is uo mere matter of form. "If,"
asked the inquisitor recently of a can
didate, "a fare halls you in Trafalgar
: square and asks to be driven to Trafal
gar square what would you do?" "I
should drive him around a bit and
: drop hira on the other side of the
! square," replied the candidate. And
he was turned down, for he did not
| know that London has three Trafalgar
squares besides the finest site iu Eu
! rope—one in Cuuiberwell, one in Chel
i sea and one in Stepney. London
! Chronicle.
The Truly Reticent Woman.
I Speak of a reticent woman and most
' people picture to themselves a woman
! who doesn't talk much. But the truly
| reticent woman the woman who
makes reticence an art—is not at all
j silent. She talks with what is appar
ently the greatest candor, so that peo-
I pie go away from her saying what a
I frank, genial woman she Is. And no
one ever suspects, unless he or she is
j phenomenally clever, that the genial
| conversationalist had all sorts of un
| spoken things In her mind.—Exchange.
Comets and Great Men.
i It is somewhat remarkable how of
{ ten the death of nn eminent person
j has been marked by the appearance of
j a comet. A certain writer, indeed, aft
| er going through a list of comets for
j COO years, says that it Is "as if God
1 and nature intended by comets to ring
the knell of princes, esteeming bells
lu churches upon earth not sacred
enough for such illustrious and emi
nent performances." To mention only
a few. Lotharius the Younger, Louis
11., Charles the Bald. Theotillon, bish
op of Tours; Henry 11. and Eichard ).
had their knells thus rung by comets.
. Even in Shakespeare's time the comet
was considered a fitting accompani
ment to the obsequies of kings:
Hung be the heavens with black, yield
day to night.
Comets, Importing change of times and
states.
Brandish your crystal tresses In the sky,
And with them scourge the Dad revolting
stars
That have consented unto Henry's death.
—London Outlook.
Father's Real Role.
"Fathers have been much maligned."
"As to how?"
"About using their boots on suitors.
On four different occasions I have been
referred by a young lady to her father,
and every time I found It was for the
purpose of letting me down easy."—
rittsburg Post.
fN. ✓t
Opening of
Grand Opera **
ONCE again the grand opera sea- ]
| sou is with us, aud with uiany
of the world's famous sing- j
ers now in this country the;
prospects are for the most successful j
year In the history of music in Amer
ica. Not only in New York, with its j
great Metropolitan and Manhattan ;
grand opera houses, but In I'blladel- !
phia, Boston, Chicago and other large
cities, is grand opera now heard, anil j
It lias reached a point of progress In J
the United States where it will soon j
become Just as thoroughly an institu
tion as it is in the countries of Eu
rope.
Grand opera in the United States is \
perhaps a century old. The lirst not- !
able singer who came to these shores
to show the barbarians of the new j
world the ultimate possibilities of the
vocal art was the great Mallbran. 1
Then came Jenny Llnd, Fatti, Nils- 1
son, Brlgnoll, Mario, Campanini, Carl ,
Formes, etc., but all of them had to
be billed like a circus In order to get
patronage.
In fact, it was the most noted show- i
man in the history of the new world
who handled the tour of Jenny IJiul
when the "Swedish Nightingale" came
to the United States.
Lind had an enormous success, but
It can hardly have been called a gain
my ny . ■ ■ I 111 I
CA RASA, TENOR.
for the cause of music, for a large
number of lier hearers were attracted
by the excitement.
The coming of all the other noted
Kong birds down to within, say, a coll
ide of decades ago was attended by
similar manifestations, and it cannot be
that their appearances helped much to
ward the creation of a higher taste.
it was not until grand opera began
to take on some suggestion of perma
nency that a clientele worth while be
gan to come to the frout. The Metro
politan Opera House, in New York,
was the first institution of the kind.
Its scalo was lavish. It represented
the toy of a number of fabulously
wealthy New Yorkers. For their pleas
ure M&pleson. Abbey. Schoeffel, Grau
and Conried ransacked the musical
capitals of Europe and captured the
greatest song birds in the world. It
had formerly been the experience of
Americans in hearing opera to have
ono great singer and the remainder of
the cast made up of the saddest apolo
gies.
Itut the Metropolitan Opera House
altered that Every role had to be in
the hands of the most noted song bird
in his or her especial line.
For the first time came the phenom
enal lineups, which at one period ln
j eluded Corster. Campanini. Scalclii,
! Maurel, Tamagno, Nannetti, Gaiassi
[ and Di Anna; then, later, a new regime,
; with Melba, lOaines. Calve, Nordlca,
i Sembrich, Garden, the two Do Jteskes,
I Flancon, Maurel. Caruso, Schumann-
I lieiuk, etc., and today the world's
| greatest singers are heard in America
I and receive immense sums for their
| work.
I The lists of new operas to be pro
duced during tills season by the Metro
politan aud Manhattan opera houses
show that New York will bnve this
winter a more varied supply of opera
than ever before In its history. The
OERALDINK FAItRAR.
Metropolitan's list includes a number
of operatic works to be given at the
New theater, which make It all the
more imposing.
Ever siuce "Hansel und Gretel," ac
claimed everywhere as one of the most
charming of all operas, placed Hurnper
dinck on a pinnacle of musical fame op
era goers here have looked forward with
keen anticipation to another opera by
liim. There can be no doubt that if the
plan to produce "Konleskinder" is cr.r-
Thi Joy That Killed.
A senator was praising the humor
of a certain congressman.
i "His humor, however," he conclud
ed, "is rather grim. I told him the
other day about a mutual acquaint
ance who had died, a man he had nev
er liked.
" 'And his wife is dead, too,' 1 said.
'He himself died on Monday; his wife
died two days later. 'lhe papers didn't
say what killed her.'
" 'She was tickled to death, I guess,'
said the congressman ja-lmly."
rv. ✓r
, New Melodies
And Singers
'Ni
| ried out, the production will be one of
the most Important of the season,
j Of the Manhattan's list of novelties
; Massenet's "Ilerodlade" was definitely
; scheduled for the proud position of
opening attraction of the season. Of
| the rest those which In all probability
j will bo given are Kiehard Strauss'
OLIVE PBEMSTAD.
"Elektra" and "Feuersnot" and Masse
net's "Sapho" and "Cendrillon."
j Of the operas announced this year
for the lirst time In the preliminary
proclamation of the Metropolitan man
agement those which .have the best
. chance of production seem to be Bru
i neau's "L'Attaque du Moulin," Leroux'f.
"Le Chemineau" and Franchotti's "Ger
mania." Ilumperdlnek's "Ivonlgskin
der"—which means "Children of Kings,"
not "The Children of the King" or
"The King's Children," as it has often
been erroneously called—though an
nounced tentatively last year, may be
cousiderod as entirely new, siuce when
spoken of as a possible feature of tho
last Metropolitan season it was known
to be only partially ready, and the
; probability that it would not be fin
ished in time for production until this
year was pointed out. Now, however,
; it Is all ready.
Grand opera In Boston has received
, a new Impetus this year, the beautiful
| new Grand Opera House in the Hub
having just been completed. Much
i thought, much time and enterprise
have been devoted to the upbuilding
iof this theater. Famous architects
have designed It. Men of public spirit
1 and munificence, foremost among them
! Eben D. Jordan, have opened their
purses to provide it with the money
j needed at the outset to assure Its life.
It begins to look as if within a year
; America intends to establish a chain of
j opera houses like those which all the
I smaller continental cities possess. Bos
-1 ; ton and Philadelphia already own open;
1 | houses. Recently it has been announc
j ed that John C. Shaffer of Chicago and
' j Andreas Dippel of New York, actinp
J on behalf of a group of leading Chiea
j go and New York business men, havt
' j purchased the lease of the Audltoriuu:
r
■SfifcxrjJMrirZ»■"
I
, »'ALVAREZ, SOPRANO.
* i theater in Chicago from Klaw & Er
■ j langer and will give a season of twen
' i ty weeks of opera, commencing in the
* | fall of 1910.
1 The opera company in Chicago will
r be absolutely independent of all other
organizations, but will be atliliated
with the Metropolitan Opera company
*i of New York. It will have its own
s conductors, artists, orchestra, chorus,
* [ ballet, scenery, costumes, etc. —in
1 short, its own complete independent
e artistic and business administration—
and will give a season of twenty weeks
of opera, beginning in the fall of 1910.
Many of tho old favorites are here
again for the grand opera season of
j 1000-10 and also a number of new
, ones of whom much is expected,
j Among those who will be heard this
I year are Fremstad, Gcrville-Heache,Ca
ruso, Gadski, Farrar, Grippon, Scotli,
' i Garden, Zenatello, Tetrazzinl and D'Al
' varez. The new tenor. Frodeiico de
i Carasa, la a Spaniard aud the brother
of the mayor of San Sebastian. John
McCormack, the new Irish tenor, is
only twenty-live and looks even young
er, with a frank, boyish expression
and a manner of speaking which re
news the traditions, so often forgot
ten, of the Irish blarney. He hopes
r naturally to succeed in opera in Aiuer
-0 lea. and if he does he wants to thftnk
c Xlme. Tetrazzinl, whom he considers
his fairy ,:rodmother. He has sung
•- much abroad with her.
t | Among the singers who were heard
in Oscar Hnmmerstein's educational
>-1 grand opera, which recently closed '.i
1 New York, was D'Alvarez, who t••
y came so popular that she has been en
ej gaged for the present season. She hi*
- ! a wonderful soprano voice.
, Hair L ossl
Suppose you send this advertisement
j to some friend who is losing her
hair. Everybody should know" that
Ayer's Hair Vigor promptly checks
falling hair, destroys dandruff, keeps
the scalp clean and healthy.
i DOGS not Color the Hair
Consul' your doctor about your fallinf heir.
If he sctjs, ' Aytr 3 /lair { igor is the best, '' I
then he pin today. .t.o.At®pCo..
- -,-rm ■ Lowell.Maw.
WIN JEFFERIES
VIEWS FOOTBftLL
Is More Brutal Than Boxing,
Declares the Noted Pugi
list-Byrne's Fate.
Jim Jeffries, the pugilist, who Is
matched to meet Jack Johnson for the
heavyweight championship of the
world, has a few warm words to say
about college football. He commented
on the fate of Cadet EugenepY. Hyrne,
who died from injuries received in the
Harvard and West Point game. As
usual. It was necessary to corkscrew a
few answers out of him before his
tongue began to work freely.
"Hold on!" said he quickly. "I'm a
fighter. Maybe I ought not to havo
any opinions about football. It isn't
my game. I'm not supposed to know
anything about it. Well, y-e-s, I've
been reading tho papers. Tell me, on
the level, have they killed seven boys
already this year? That's serious. No
joke about that kind of a game, I
guess. Now, then.
"You can say that I'm against any
game that kills seven boys while It's
only warming up, you might say. That
sort of a game isn't worth while. No
game that kills men as a regular thing
is worth while.
Women Abhor Prizefighters.
"There have always been a lot of
men in this country who stand up on
their hind legs and roar about the bru
tality of the boxing game. Their wom
en will pull their skirts away from a
prizefighter as if he was some sort of
an animal, yet these same people go
out to a football game and yell them
selves black in tho face at au exhibi
tion that's too rough for men who fight
for a living. The women too! Yes,
sir. I've seen 'em, and I know.
"Football Js all right, eh? It's a
fashionable game. Society stands for
it, yet in the old bare knuckle days
when men pickled their hands in brine
for weeks before a fight there was
never anything to compare with the
roughness and the brutality of this
nice, social game.
"This will make a lot of people sore,
but I'll tell why I think football is
more brutal than boxing—yes, you can
call it prizefighting if you want to.
When a man goes into the ring he
knows he has only got to whip one
man—only got to fight one man. The
odds are fair. In this football busi
ness you've got eleveu men against
you.
Went Down For the Count.
"I saw in tho paper this afternoon
that just before this poor cadet was
hurt ho had been in a stnashup and
went down for the count. He was
game, and ho got up again and went
to his place. What did they do'i
They 'directed the attack against it* 1
weak place,' the paper says. In other
words, all those big. husky fellows
smashed into this boy. who was still
groggy, and they got him.
"They can semi all the telegrams of
condolence they want to, but that
doesn't bring him back. They piled
the whole line on him, and they did it
when they knew he was weak and
not in shape. They did it because he
was weak. Why. I'd be ashamed to
smash a man as hard as 1 could when
I knew he was nearly out. I'd ask th«
referee to stop the fight before I'd
do that.
"Here's another reason why football
is a bad business: In a fight if a man
gets a clip on the jaw and goes down
and can't get up again in ten seconds
he's done. He doesn't have to take
any more punishment. In a football
» game they give a man two minutes to
come back. If they had had some
such rule as we have in the ring this
cadet would never have been killed.
Ho would have been out of the game
when ho was stunned the first time
Risk Everything For Nothing.
"Here's another thing that strikes
me. Most of tho boys who play foot
ball are only kids. They haven't theii
growth or their full strength, 'i'hej
go In there and get slammed around
and they cannot stand it. They don'l
get a thing out of it if they win. Dc
you suppose all the rah-rah business
in the world could make up the lost
of one boy—to his folk? They risL
everything for nothing.
"Let 'em holler about fighting being
brutal. I'll tell you something—ll
prizefighting should kill fifteen mer
in one year every legislature in the
country would put the game out ol
business. And that Isn't all they'd do
They'd hang a few of the winners
This talk about boxing being bruta
and football being a fine game makes
me sick. If I had a son I'd send hiu
into the ring to fight one man at i
time before I'd let him get into out
of those harnesses and take hi;
chances with eleven fellows. Yes, ant
he'd lose a decision to me the firs
time ho began to talk football."
There seems to be no question abou
the way Jim Jeffries stands ou th<
question of college football.
Subways For Chicago.
Chicago is considering plans for nr
extensive subway system of railways
to cost $80,000,000.
Dangerous Insects.
The trolley car stopped iu the mid
die of a stretch of country road. Hull
motorman and conductor tried iu vail
to find out what the trouble was. A
last they gave it up, and the couducto;
started down the track to the neares
telephone.
"What do you supposo is tho trou
ble?" Inquired a passenger c? his seal
mate.
"Why, I don't know much about
electricity," said the other, "but I
should say it was the ohms. You see.
they get into the wires every little
while and inuke an awful fuss there.
Technically. I believe, it is called re
sistance, but all It amounts to is stop
page—like eels In water pipe, you
know. I never saw an ohm myself.
They're nilscroscopic, you know."—
Youth's Companion.
To make laws complete they should
reward ns well as punish.—Goldsmith.
' ' -asar'
Wanted—An Interpreter.
It was n case of assault, and the lit
erally downtrodden wife was laying
her grievances before the magistrate.
"He started by (jiving ma a biff on
the nut," explained the angry com
plainant.
"My good woman," rebuked the mag
istrate, "you mustn't tails like that
here. 1 suppose you mean he gave
you a blow upon the head."
"Yus, yer washup. All' then 'e tried
ter do me In by chuckin' 'is 'baccy box
at me."
"By which 1 presume you mean," in
terposed the justice of the peace se
verely, "that he tried to injure you
by precipitating his box of tobacco at
you. Pray proceed and avoid slang
and inform the court what other in
juries lie inflicted upon you."
"Well, then, he—er—he"—
"Come, come!" snapped the magis
trate, really beginning to lose his tem
per. "Don't waste the time of tho
court."
The ill used wife looked about her
helplessly.
"Excuse me, yer washup," she ex
claimed at length, "but I was wonder
in' what was the pet name In this 'ere
court for a biff on the jib!"— London
Answers.
Woman—and Her Master.
The philosopher and his friend sat
far into the night discoursing on things
in general and smoking strong shag.
"Woman." said the former oracu
larly, "was meant to fill a subordinate
position in the scheme of creation.
Man is naturally her master. She
cannot rationally oppose his will. lie
is instinctively and by the law of nat
ural selection the dominant animal.
Woman may learn to revolt, but she
can never learn to rule. She has one
mission in life—that of obedience.
Man is born to lead, woman to follow.
Man is born to command, woman to
comply. She is secure only in her
weakness. It is at once her duty and
delight to obey her superior and"—
Then the door opened, and there ap
peared the head of a female thereat
"Theophilus," said a stern voice,,
"how often have I told you not to
smoke your horrid tobacco in tho li
brary? It's half past 2, sir. Come to
bed instantly."
And the philosopher sighed, shook
his friend silently by the hand ant"
went—London Sketch.
A Tempest In a Teapot.
What war was caused by a clay tea
pot?
For an answer to this question we
must go, as might be supposed, to the
land of pigtails and porcelain. The
story goes that a Chinese emperor lc
olden days gave as a mark of special
favor a magnificent clay teapot of rare
design to Lo Hung Chang, his favorite
mandarin. This was laid up as a prict
less possession among the treasures oi
Lo Hung or borne at his side by two
attendants at all high public festivals
and functions. A rival mandarin saw
these signs of distinction with the
green eyes of Jealousy and hired a
man to break the obnoxious pot. The
I clumsy fellow was caught in the act.
and betrayed his master. War follow
ed between the two mandarins and
their respective followers, which re
sulted in the overthrow and death of
Lo Hung Chang and the reception oi
his rival into royal favor in his place.
noperut.
Miss Oldgirl—Now, what do you
think of the theory that Methuselah
j was really not as old as report said he
! was? Mr. Frank—l think it is very en-
I couraglng, Mi.«s Oldgirl. Baltimore
! American.
!
Gout Defined.
"What Is gout?" asks a correspond
ent. Well, it is an iu.'Uctlon if inher
ited. but is often a source of pride
when acquired.—St. Paul Pioneer Frees.
A Reliable
Remedy
Ely's Cream Balm
is quickly abtor' od. COLOW
Given Relief at Onco. Br
It dean--,, * , e s.
heals ami [.'■ ♦ erts
1 tho disc is.wt m*
brant? r. -fr 'in yBMp
Catarrh and drives raaß! ! w
away a (' : 1 in tho
FEVER
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