Montour American FRANK C. ANGLE, Proprietor. Danville, Pa., Nov. 18, l*>(iy. ME iT " GREAT CAU Ted Coy, the Foot Ball Star and Some of His Work on the Gridiron. Even one with little knowledge of football has but to witness the Yale team at work to realize that iu Ted Coy the college has a wonderful play er. This fact was brought out two seasons ago, and this year his work on the gridiron Is proving as brilliant as ever. As a line smasher and punter he stands alone, and his sensational splays have astonished even the men on bis own team. Ted Coy is a native of Connecticut end since he was a youngster has K> 'y TED COY, YAI.E'fl CHEAT STAIt. played and studied the game. He is very strong physically and is built on massive outlines, ilis shoulders are broad and large boned. His chest is deep, and the muscular development of the torso is superior to that of the average man of his age and height. Add to this a pair of legs which seem to be without limit as to power and energy and which must be fed by boil ers intended for an engine of forty horsepower and an idea may be ob tained of the amount of resistance which is needed to combat him on the football field. In a Harvard game once Coy was held by sheer force of numbers and could not move an inch farther, but he was not downed—not a bit of if. He stood upright, the center of all of the group. The ball was still iu his hand, and the referee had blown his whistle to announce that it was a fresh down, but Coy was standing up. They had been uuable to throw him to the earth. Last season Coy made ten touch downs for Yale, and there are some who believe that if he hnd been al lowed to run once more in the Har vard game when he was close to the goal Yale would have scored a touch down. The Crimson was watching him in every play, however, and almost all of the Harvard defense was de voted to stopping Coy. A.i Ameilcan Grammar. Robert It. Hitt, who at the time rep resented our government in I'aris as a secretary of legation, went to Egypt in regard to a matter involving the life of a Greek American subject He landed iu Alexandria and went to the Hotel Europe aud found the rooming clerk busy assigning rooms to the new ly arrived passengers, a regular poly glot in languages. He heard him speak Arabic, Greek, French, Italian and German. So when It came Mr. Hltt's turn to register he jocosely said, "Do you speak American?" The clerk promptly replied: "A leetle. Der vaa one American here lately who gave me an American grammar." Mr. Hitt asked to have a look at the book. The clerk promptly told one of the garcons to get the book out of his room, and while the book was being brought the clerk said, "De grammar is phonetic." When the book was brought, lo aud behold, it was a copy of Petroleum V. Nasby's letters. D. It. Locke while In Egypt had presented a copy to the -clerk, telling him it was aa American grammar. The Hunter and the Wind. In hunting against the wind in open forests more game is passed than TO.'i ny hunters would suppose. The an imals see the man, note that he will pass them and hide by getting as near to the ground as possible. If they scent him after he has passed they evidently realize that the danger is over, though some, mostly the younger, inexperienced animals, then sueak off. \Where game is very wild it is often iu such localities as i have mentioned ■ only possible to approach them with the wind by outdistancing the latter because a big game animal at rest de pends on its nose to save it from dan ger in the direction from which the wind comes and on its eyes to watch the side from which it can get no oth er warning.—"Track and Tracking," by Josef i'.runner. To Tame Him. "So you're going to introduce base ball among the prisoners? I don't ap prove. What will become of disci pline?" "If a man gets too obstreperous," re plied the warden confidently, "we'll make him umpire." Philadelphia Ledger. First Turbine Locomotive. A British locomotive company re cently completed and tested the first Bteam turßine locomotive. The new is pronounced a success. HIS MONEY TROUBLE. He Gained a Dime and Then He Fig* ured Up the Loss. The next time Lionel, whose other name doesn't matter, gets his optics on an unattached dime he'll look the oth er way. For Lionel is all peeved up over an adventure he had the other night—an adventure that had a dime for its foundation and for which he can blame no one but Lionel, lie re hearsed his money trouble thuswise: "In a Broadway car I suw it—the dime that was hoodooed. It lay upon the floor of the car unclaimed and lonesome. No one else seemed to care to take it in and give it a welcome, so I did. But even as I reached for the bit of silver the trouble drama opened. My suspenders snapped with the strain —for, as you cau see, I'm not built on the sunken garden plan as regards avoirdupois. Thereupon I reached back to gather the frayed ends of the busted surcingle, still feeling for the chunk of white metal with the other hand. My watch, not to be shoved out of the drama without a chance to do its little part, dropped out of my pocket, mak ing a decided hit. The crystal broke into 7.8C0 pieces, not counting the one that I got in my finger later. The works mingled with the dirt and shat tered glass, and the case tripped gayly into a corner. Just to show it was also interested, a perfectly good silver dollar bounced out of my waistcoat pocket and did the vanishing act where, I know not. A fountain pen, all framed up with gold bands, follow ed suit. By this time I was giving the rest of the passengers the show of their lives—and nobody coming across with anything but the giggle gag. And 1 couldn't vocalize my feelings because there were ladies present. Holding onto my wrecked raiment and carry ing my assorted ruins as well as I might, I hurled myself off that car at the next corner. Then T beat it for ! a friendly retreat and totaled up the I event. The wreck had set me back ' S4l, but I had the dime!"— Cincinnati | Times-Star. ' HIS LEGAL AUTHORITY. It Seemed to Fit the Case, and Joey j Was Discharged. There was consternation among the j young folk. The "music" for the danc- | ing at the picnic in the glen had got I into trouble. No one ever considered ! any other "music" but Joey the fiddler. | lie was Indispensable, but he was also j erratic. In the old country Joey had been a schoolteacher and a man of considerable learning, but here he had ' fallen into evil ways. lie was over- 1 fond of two things—a bottle and an ! argument. Having become engaged in ! the latter on this day of the picnic, he broke the former over the head of his opponent and was haled away to the i lockup. The young people cnlled a ! hasty meeting and appointed i com mittee to wait upon Squire Nugent to secure the release of tbo "music" if 1 possible. The squire was hearing \ Joey's case when the committee ar j rived. The spokesman respectfully ex- ' plained the absolute necessity of Joey's presence at the picnic that day. "That's a good soul, squire. I'ave me go."put In Joey. The squiro took down a ponderous lawbook and began thoughtfully to turn the pages. "If you're lookin' for the legal au thority coverin' my case, squire, ye'll find it in Byron." the prisoner sug gested. "Can you quote it?" asked the mag istrate. with a twinkle in his eye. "Aye, so I can," Joey promptly re torted. "It reads. 'On with the dance; let Joey be unconfined.' " The squire adjudged Byron a com petent authority, and Joey was uncon fined.—Catholic Standard and Times. Enjoying Himself. A fond mother sent her small boy into the country and after a week of anxiety received the following letter: "I got here all right, and 1 forgot to write before. It is a very nice place to have fun. A fellow and I went out in a boat, the boat tipped over, and a man got me out, and I was so full of water that I didn't know notliin' for a long while. "The other boy has to be buried when they find him. nis mother camo from her home, and she cried all the time. A horse kicked me over, and I have got to have some money to pay the doctor for mendin' my head. It was broken a bit. "We are goin' to set an old barn on fire tonight, and I am not your son if I don't have some real fun. I lost my watch, and I am very sorry. I shall bring home some snakes and a toad, and I shall bring home a tame crow if I can get 'em in my trunk."—London Globe A Matter of Smokestacks. The smokestacks on ocean vessels of recent years have been made to slope backward more particularly to give the steamer a rakish air, the roasts also being given the same slope. As to the effect on the draft, there is a slight one, as the wind pressure on the front of the stack sloping up and over the top of the stack is more apt to draw the smoke out than to cut it off. but from all we are aware of this seems to have been held of secondary con sideration. The shape of the smoke stacks also is changing from round to oval so as to present less surface .at the front. If you compare the steam ers with the sloping and straight smokestacks, in one case the former, while motionless, still appears to have life, while the rigidity of the other gives it an appearance of etiffness even while under considerable speed.— St. Nicholas. Prompt Rebuke. "Orlando, you mustn't put your arm around my waist." "Why, Gloriana, it's been there for half an hour." "Well, I didn't notice it till Just now."—Chicago Tribune. The Real Victim. After a man has been sick a week his wife looks worse than he does from taking care of him.—Atchison Globe. Advantage Is a better soldier than rashness.—Shakespeare. A QUESTION OF BAIT. Bhould the Beggar Leave Few or Man/ Cents In His Hat? "One thing that I've never been able to settle iu my mind to my own sat isfaction," said a street beggar whose specialty is sitting on a step and hold ing out his hat to passersby, "is the question of how many pennies It is wise to have In the hat for people to I see as they go by. Of course you un- I derstand there are two theories on thic. | Working on one you leave there only I a few, just three or four pennies scat- j tered around irregular, but pretty far [ apart, and on the other you leave in ( the hat a lot of pennies. "Of course the Idea of the first plan I is to make people when they see how | little you've got want, to chip In and j help, and the Idea of the other plan I is to stir people up to generosity by showing them how generous others | have been, and there's a heap to be I said for that. There's lots of people that give because other people have given—because they like togo with the crowd. "I've tried both plans and had good days with lean bait and bad days with a full bait in the hat. and then I've had good days with a full bait ix< bad da;'s with a lean bait. All yot can do is, if one plan doesn't work well, I try the other. You never can tell."— j New York Sun. AVIATION. The Dangers Involved In Three Di- j mensional Steering. The navigation of the air Is a form of j locomotion that differs from all the ; others to which men have resorted In j that it Involves three dimensional steer- j log. It is in the three dimensional nature of aviation that the real wonder of it j lies. Its demands upon the aviator's j attention are almost appalling In nura- , ber and constancy. The automobilist has to mind what he is about not a lit- ! tie, and a moment's carelessness means j disaster, but his divagations from safe- i ty are all horizontal. The road and gravity take care of the others for him, while the oeroplanist can make mis- j takes ail the way around a sphere; j hence. In addition to lending an atteu- ] tlve ear to every sound from a com plicated and delicate engine, he must ; manipulate one rudder for up and down, another for right and left and ! two more at the ends of his wings, j And all these must be combined and , co-ordinated. Water is stability itself , in comparison with the medium through which he moves. When in flight, there fore. the aviator is probably the busiest man alive, and there is not an instant j of rest for him till after he has made bis perilous descent.—New York Times. He Put the Brake On. In his autobiography the late Pro fessor Shaler of Harvard tells this story: Once he was present at a dinner in England where Tyndall, the re nowned scientist, started to tell about experiences in America. His descrip tions were, to say the least, exagger ated. Just as he was telling about a thrilling escape from drowning which he had had while viewing Niagaru falls—describing it with bursts of hy perbole—his eye to catcb that of Shaler, whom he had not no ticed before. For a roomeut Tyudall stopped, abashed—then, with wink of the eye. as if begging Shaler not to "give him away," he continued the tale, but In a noticeably subdued vein. At its couclusion Tyndall sought Shaler. "I fear that yarn of mine was rather highly colored," he confessed to the American, "but it is sometimes neces sary to touch up the truth a bit." More Than One Trafalgar Square. The Scotland Yard examination which would be taxicab drivers have to undergo in the knowledge of Lon don is uo mere matter of form. "If," asked the inquisitor recently of a can didate, "a fare halls you in Trafalgar : square and asks to be driven to Trafal gar square what would you do?" "I should drive him around a bit and : drop hira on the other side of the ! square," replied the candidate. And he was turned down, for he did not | know that London has three Trafalgar squares besides the finest site iu Eu ! rope—one in Cuuiberwell, one in Chel i sea and one in Stepney. London ! Chronicle. The Truly Reticent Woman. I Speak of a reticent woman and most ' people picture to themselves a woman ! who doesn't talk much. But the truly | reticent woman the woman who makes reticence an art—is not at all j silent. She talks with what is appar ently the greatest candor, so that peo- I pie go away from her saying what a I frank, genial woman she Is. And no one ever suspects, unless he or she is j phenomenally clever, that the genial | conversationalist had all sorts of un | spoken things In her mind.—Exchange. Comets and Great Men. i It is somewhat remarkable how of { ten the death of nn eminent person j has been marked by the appearance of j a comet. A certain writer, indeed, aft | er going through a list of comets for j COO years, says that it Is "as if God 1 and nature intended by comets to ring the knell of princes, esteeming bells lu churches upon earth not sacred enough for such illustrious and emi nent performances." To mention only a few. Lotharius the Younger, Louis 11., Charles the Bald. Theotillon, bish op of Tours; Henry 11. and Eichard ). had their knells thus rung by comets. . Even in Shakespeare's time the comet was considered a fitting accompani ment to the obsequies of kings: Hung be the heavens with black, yield day to night. Comets, Importing change of times and states. Brandish your crystal tresses In the sky, And with them scourge the Dad revolting stars That have consented unto Henry's death. —London Outlook. Father's Real Role. "Fathers have been much maligned." "As to how?" "About using their boots on suitors. On four different occasions I have been referred by a young lady to her father, and every time I found It was for the purpose of letting me down easy."— rittsburg Post. fN. ✓t Opening of Grand Opera ** ONCE again the grand opera sea- ] | sou is with us, aud with uiany of the world's famous sing- j ers now in this country the; prospects are for the most successful j year In the history of music in Amer ica. Not only in New York, with its j great Metropolitan and Manhattan ; grand opera houses, but In I'blladel- ! phia, Boston, Chicago and other large cities, is grand opera now heard, anil j It lias reached a point of progress In J the United States where it will soon j become Just as thoroughly an institu tion as it is in the countries of Eu rope. Grand opera in the United States is \ perhaps a century old. The lirst not- ! able singer who came to these shores to show the barbarians of the new j world the ultimate possibilities of the vocal art was the great Mallbran. 1 Then came Jenny Llnd, Fatti, Nils- 1 son, Brlgnoll, Mario, Campanini, Carl , Formes, etc., but all of them had to be billed like a circus In order to get patronage. In fact, it was the most noted show- i man in the history of the new world who handled the tour of Jenny IJiul when the "Swedish Nightingale" came to the United States. Lind had an enormous success, but It can hardly have been called a gain my ny . ■ ■ I 111 I CA RASA, TENOR. for the cause of music, for a large number of lier hearers were attracted by the excitement. The coming of all the other noted Kong birds down to within, say, a coll ide of decades ago was attended by similar manifestations, and it cannot be that their appearances helped much to ward the creation of a higher taste. it was not until grand opera began to take on some suggestion of perma nency that a clientele worth while be gan to come to the frout. The Metro politan Opera House, in New York, was the first institution of the kind. Its scalo was lavish. It represented the toy of a number of fabulously wealthy New Yorkers. For their pleas ure M&pleson. Abbey. Schoeffel, Grau and Conried ransacked the musical capitals of Europe and captured the greatest song birds in the world. It had formerly been the experience of Americans in hearing opera to have ono great singer and the remainder of the cast made up of the saddest apolo gies. Itut the Metropolitan Opera House altered that Every role had to be in the hands of the most noted song bird in his or her especial line. For the first time came the phenom enal lineups, which at one period ln j eluded Corster. Campanini. Scalclii, ! Maurel, Tamagno, Nannetti, Gaiassi [ and Di Anna; then, later, a new regime, ; with Melba, lOaines. Calve, Nordlca, i Sembrich, Garden, the two Do Jteskes, I Flancon, Maurel. Caruso, Schumann- I lieiuk, etc., and today the world's | greatest singers are heard in America I and receive immense sums for their | work. I The lists of new operas to be pro duced during tills season by the Metro politan aud Manhattan opera houses show that New York will bnve this winter a more varied supply of opera than ever before In its history. The OERALDINK FAItRAR. Metropolitan's list includes a number of operatic works to be given at the New theater, which make It all the more imposing. Ever siuce "Hansel und Gretel," ac claimed everywhere as one of the most charming of all operas, placed Hurnper dinck on a pinnacle of musical fame op era goers here have looked forward with keen anticipation to another opera by liim. There can be no doubt that if the plan to produce "Konleskinder" is cr.r- Thi Joy That Killed. A senator was praising the humor of a certain congressman. i "His humor, however," he conclud ed, "is rather grim. I told him the other day about a mutual acquaint ance who had died, a man he had nev er liked. " 'And his wife is dead, too,' 1 said. 'He himself died on Monday; his wife died two days later. 'lhe papers didn't say what killed her.' " 'She was tickled to death, I guess,' said the congressman ja-lmly." rv. ✓r , New Melodies And Singers 'Ni | ried out, the production will be one of the most Important of the season, j Of the Manhattan's list of novelties ; Massenet's "Ilerodlade" was definitely ; scheduled for the proud position of opening attraction of the season. Of | the rest those which In all probability j will bo given are Kiehard Strauss' OLIVE PBEMSTAD. "Elektra" and "Feuersnot" and Masse net's "Sapho" and "Cendrillon." j Of the operas announced this year for the lirst time In the preliminary proclamation of the Metropolitan man agement those which .have the best . chance of production seem to be Bru i neau's "L'Attaque du Moulin," Leroux'f. "Le Chemineau" and Franchotti's "Ger mania." Ilumperdlnek's "Ivonlgskin der"—which means "Children of Kings," not "The Children of the King" or "The King's Children," as it has often been erroneously called—though an nounced tentatively last year, may be cousiderod as entirely new, siuce when spoken of as a possible feature of tho last Metropolitan season it was known to be only partially ready, and the ; probability that it would not be fin ished in time for production until this year was pointed out. Now, however, ; it Is all ready. Grand opera In Boston has received , a new Impetus this year, the beautiful | new Grand Opera House in the Hub having just been completed. Much i thought, much time and enterprise have been devoted to the upbuilding iof this theater. Famous architects have designed It. Men of public spirit 1 and munificence, foremost among them ! Eben D. Jordan, have opened their purses to provide it with the money j needed at the outset to assure Its life. It begins to look as if within a year ; America intends to establish a chain of j opera houses like those which all the I smaller continental cities possess. Bos -1 ; ton and Philadelphia already own open; 1 | houses. Recently it has been announc j ed that John C. Shaffer of Chicago and ' j Andreas Dippel of New York, actinp J on behalf of a group of leading Chiea j go and New York business men, havt ' j purchased the lease of the Audltoriuu: r ■SfifcxrjJMrirZ»■" I , »'ALVAREZ, SOPRANO. * i theater in Chicago from Klaw & Er ■ j langer and will give a season of twen ' i ty weeks of opera, commencing in the * | fall of 1910. 1 The opera company in Chicago will r be absolutely independent of all other organizations, but will be atliliated with the Metropolitan Opera company *i of New York. It will have its own s conductors, artists, orchestra, chorus, * [ ballet, scenery, costumes, etc. —in 1 short, its own complete independent e artistic and business administration— and will give a season of twenty weeks of opera, beginning in the fall of 1910. Many of tho old favorites are here again for the grand opera season of j 1000-10 and also a number of new , ones of whom much is expected, j Among those who will be heard this I year are Fremstad, Gcrville-Heache,Ca ruso, Gadski, Farrar, Grippon, Scotli, ' i Garden, Zenatello, Tetrazzinl and D'Al ' varez. The new tenor. Frodeiico de i Carasa, la a Spaniard aud the brother of the mayor of San Sebastian. John McCormack, the new Irish tenor, is only twenty-live and looks even young er, with a frank, boyish expression and a manner of speaking which re news the traditions, so often forgot ten, of the Irish blarney. He hopes r naturally to succeed in opera in Aiuer -0 lea. and if he does he wants to thftnk c Xlme. Tetrazzinl, whom he considers his fairy ,:rodmother. He has sung •- much abroad with her. t | Among the singers who were heard in Oscar Hnmmerstein's educational >-1 grand opera, which recently closed '.i 1 New York, was D'Alvarez, who t•• y came so popular that she has been en ej gaged for the present season. She hi* - ! a wonderful soprano voice. , Hair L ossl Suppose you send this advertisement j to some friend who is losing her hair. Everybody should know" that Ayer's Hair Vigor promptly checks falling hair, destroys dandruff, keeps the scalp clean and healthy. i DOGS not Color the Hair Consul' your doctor about your fallinf heir. If he sctjs, ' Aytr 3 /lair { igor is the best, '' I then he pin today. .t.o.At®pCo.. - -,-rm ■ Lowell.Maw. WIN JEFFERIES VIEWS FOOTBftLL Is More Brutal Than Boxing, Declares the Noted Pugi list-Byrne's Fate. Jim Jeffries, the pugilist, who Is matched to meet Jack Johnson for the heavyweight championship of the world, has a few warm words to say about college football. He commented on the fate of Cadet EugenepY. Hyrne, who died from injuries received in the Harvard and West Point game. As usual. It was necessary to corkscrew a few answers out of him before his tongue began to work freely. "Hold on!" said he quickly. "I'm a fighter. Maybe I ought not to havo any opinions about football. It isn't my game. I'm not supposed to know anything about it. Well, y-e-s, I've been reading tho papers. Tell me, on the level, have they killed seven boys already this year? That's serious. No joke about that kind of a game, I guess. Now, then. "You can say that I'm against any game that kills seven boys while It's only warming up, you might say. That sort of a game isn't worth while. No game that kills men as a regular thing is worth while. Women Abhor Prizefighters. "There have always been a lot of men in this country who stand up on their hind legs and roar about the bru tality of the boxing game. Their wom en will pull their skirts away from a prizefighter as if he was some sort of an animal, yet these same people go out to a football game and yell them selves black in tho face at au exhibi tion that's too rough for men who fight for a living. The women too! Yes, sir. I've seen 'em, and I know. "Football Js all right, eh? It's a fashionable game. Society stands for it, yet in the old bare knuckle days when men pickled their hands in brine for weeks before a fight there was never anything to compare with the roughness and the brutality of this nice, social game. "This will make a lot of people sore, but I'll tell why I think football is more brutal than boxing—yes, you can call it prizefighting if you want to. When a man goes into the ring he knows he has only got to whip one man—only got to fight one man. The odds are fair. In this football busi ness you've got eleveu men against you. Went Down For the Count. "I saw in tho paper this afternoon that just before this poor cadet was hurt ho had been in a stnashup and went down for the count. He was game, and ho got up again and went to his place. What did they do'i They 'directed the attack against it* 1 weak place,' the paper says. In other words, all those big. husky fellows smashed into this boy. who was still groggy, and they got him. "They can semi all the telegrams of condolence they want to, but that doesn't bring him back. They piled the whole line on him, and they did it when they knew he was weak and not in shape. They did it because he was weak. Why. I'd be ashamed to smash a man as hard as 1 could when I knew he was nearly out. I'd ask th« referee to stop the fight before I'd do that. "Here's another reason why football is a bad business: In a fight if a man gets a clip on the jaw and goes down and can't get up again in ten seconds he's done. He doesn't have to take any more punishment. In a football » game they give a man two minutes to come back. If they had had some such rule as we have in the ring this cadet would never have been killed. Ho would have been out of the game when ho was stunned the first time Risk Everything For Nothing. "Here's another thing that strikes me. Most of tho boys who play foot ball are only kids. They haven't theii growth or their full strength, 'i'hej go In there and get slammed around and they cannot stand it. They don'l get a thing out of it if they win. Dc you suppose all the rah-rah business in the world could make up the lost of one boy—to his folk? They risL everything for nothing. "Let 'em holler about fighting being brutal. I'll tell you something—ll prizefighting should kill fifteen mer in one year every legislature in the country would put the game out ol business. And that Isn't all they'd do They'd hang a few of the winners This talk about boxing being bruta and football being a fine game makes me sick. If I had a son I'd send hiu into the ring to fight one man at i time before I'd let him get into out of those harnesses and take hi; chances with eleven fellows. Yes, ant he'd lose a decision to me the firs time ho began to talk football." There seems to be no question abou the way Jim Jeffries stands ou th< question of college football. Subways For Chicago. Chicago is considering plans for nr extensive subway system of railways to cost $80,000,000. Dangerous Insects. The trolley car stopped iu the mid die of a stretch of country road. Hull motorman and conductor tried iu vail to find out what the trouble was. A last they gave it up, and the couducto; started down the track to the neares telephone. "What do you supposo is tho trou ble?" Inquired a passenger c? his seal mate. "Why, I don't know much about electricity," said the other, "but I should say it was the ohms. You see. they get into the wires every little while and inuke an awful fuss there. Technically. I believe, it is called re sistance, but all It amounts to is stop page—like eels In water pipe, you know. I never saw an ohm myself. They're nilscroscopic, you know."— Youth's Companion. To make laws complete they should reward ns well as punish.—Goldsmith. ' ' -asar' Wanted—An Interpreter. It was n case of assault, and the lit erally downtrodden wife was laying her grievances before the magistrate. "He started by (jiving ma a biff on the nut," explained the angry com plainant. "My good woman," rebuked the mag istrate, "you mustn't tails like that here. 1 suppose you mean he gave you a blow upon the head." "Yus, yer washup. All' then 'e tried ter do me In by chuckin' 'is 'baccy box at me." "By which 1 presume you mean," in terposed the justice of the peace se verely, "that he tried to injure you by precipitating his box of tobacco at you. Pray proceed and avoid slang and inform the court what other in juries lie inflicted upon you." "Well, then, he—er—he"— "Come, come!" snapped the magis trate, really beginning to lose his tem per. "Don't waste the time of tho court." The ill used wife looked about her helplessly. "Excuse me, yer washup," she ex claimed at length, "but I was wonder in' what was the pet name In this 'ere court for a biff on the jib!"— London Answers. Woman—and Her Master. The philosopher and his friend sat far into the night discoursing on things in general and smoking strong shag. "Woman." said the former oracu larly, "was meant to fill a subordinate position in the scheme of creation. Man is naturally her master. She cannot rationally oppose his will. lie is instinctively and by the law of nat ural selection the dominant animal. Woman may learn to revolt, but she can never learn to rule. She has one mission in life—that of obedience. Man is born to lead, woman to follow. Man is born to command, woman to comply. She is secure only in her weakness. It is at once her duty and delight to obey her superior and"— Then the door opened, and there ap peared the head of a female thereat "Theophilus," said a stern voice,, "how often have I told you not to smoke your horrid tobacco in tho li brary? It's half past 2, sir. Come to bed instantly." And the philosopher sighed, shook his friend silently by the hand ant" went—London Sketch. A Tempest In a Teapot. What war was caused by a clay tea pot? For an answer to this question we must go, as might be supposed, to the land of pigtails and porcelain. The story goes that a Chinese emperor lc olden days gave as a mark of special favor a magnificent clay teapot of rare design to Lo Hung Chang, his favorite mandarin. This was laid up as a prict less possession among the treasures oi Lo Hung or borne at his side by two attendants at all high public festivals and functions. A rival mandarin saw these signs of distinction with the green eyes of Jealousy and hired a man to break the obnoxious pot. The I clumsy fellow was caught in the act. and betrayed his master. War follow ed between the two mandarins and their respective followers, which re sulted in the overthrow and death of Lo Hung Chang and the reception oi his rival into royal favor in his place. noperut. Miss Oldgirl—Now, what do you think of the theory that Methuselah j was really not as old as report said he ! was? Mr. Frank—l think it is very en- I couraglng, Mi.«s Oldgirl. Baltimore ! American. ! Gout Defined. "What Is gout?" asks a correspond ent. Well, it is an iu.'Uctlon if inher ited. but is often a source of pride when acquired.—St. Paul Pioneer Frees. A Reliable Remedy Ely's Cream Balm is quickly abtor' od. COLOW Given Relief at Onco. Br It dean--,, * , e s. heals ami [.'■ ♦ erts 1 tho disc is.wt m* brant? r. -fr 'in yBMp Catarrh and drives raaß! ! w away a (' : 1 in tho FEVER Taste uud Smell. Full size 50 cts., at Drug gists or by mail. In liquid form, 75 cents. Kly Brothers, st> Warren Street, New York. WKIJAILF 60 YEARS' AG|^^H^EXPERFENCE DESIGNS ' COPYRIGHTS &C. Anvone sending n sketch and description ran* quickly ascertain our opinion free whether an invention la probably Communloa i tious strictlyconildential. HANDBOOK on Patent# I sent tree, oldest agency for »«•« urnip patents. Patents taken through Muun A Co. receive special notice , without charyo, iu tho Scientific American. i A handnomdy lllu»trato,l wooklr. I.nrcf «t clr ; rtilntii.ii ..f any nctonttHo Vurim . 1 .Tin*, r. n ! TPiir- four months, Sold brail new«dealcr». MUNN & Co. 3Glßroad * a > New York j Branch Office. 696 F 8t» Washington. D. C. R-T.P-A-N-S Tabule Doctors find A "good prescription For Mankind. The 5-ceut packet is enough for usu i oooassiona. The family Kbottle (P'Ocont oontains a supply for a year. All drns gists. »iCB ■-■** < i WINDSOR HOTEL 1 I \\ T. UHUHAKKB, Manager. I g Midu ay between (lroad St. Station w K and Reading Terminal on Filbert St |r I European, $ 1.00 per day and up I I American. $2.50 per day and up I ■ The only moderate priced hotel of I ■ reputation nnd consequence In I ! PHILADELPHIA