MARKTWAINTALKED! AND THEREBY HELPED OUT A VERY INEXPERIENCED REPORTER. The Latter H«»l Kelt There VV«« Nothing to Do hut lieat|;u. Told the Humor!*! So and, to Mi» Vxtoniali ment, Had a Joke on the Editor. "I see that Mark Twain lias returned after his long absence abroad," remarked an old newspaper reporter, "but 1 am j sorry to uote that he has changed his • mind about coming south to lecture. I hoped to have a chance to interview him and incidentally to thank him again for a big favor he did me a good many years Mgo. "It was rather an odd experience," the old reporter went on."I was young and green at the time and had just secured a 'trial job' on a newspaper in Detroit, when Mr. Clemens cam,' to the citf to deliver a lecture. It so happened that all our best reporters were off that night on a local murder sensation, and the city ed itor called me up. very reluctantly, as I thought, and assigned me to have a talk with the great humorist. I had stepped out of the office but was still within ear shot when the night editor came in. " 'Who huve you got on the Clemens Interview?' I heard him ask. »- " 'That new fellow,' the city editor re plied. " 'O Lord!' said the night editor. "That brief remark filled me with min gled emotions, in"which wrath, mortifica tion and apprehension were present in about equal quantities. But it also put me on my mettle, and I determined to get that interview or perish in the attempt. The city editor had said that he wanted something about a column long and 'very bright and snappy.' and while I was waiting at the hotel for Mr. Clemens to return from the opera house where ho was speaking I tried to frame in my mind a series of suggestive questions. "I can't say I was particularly success ful, and many a time in after years I have thought of the folly, not to siv cru elty, of sending inexperienced boys on such errands and expecting anything like results. However, that's neither here nor there. The fact is I writhed and sweat blood, and by the time the night clerk told me that 'Mr. Clemens had just gone op on the elevator' I was in a condition bordering on nervous prostration. "I found the humorist standing before th« fireplace," continued the old reporter, *'smoking a brier pipe and attired in a suit of pyjamas. His appearance startled me, for I didn't dream that he had had time to undress, and I promptly lost my few remaining shreds of self possession. All my questions tlew out of my brain like a scattering covey of quail, and abso lutely the only thing I could think of ask ing him was how he liked the town. lie looked at me quizzically. " 'Considering that I arrived after dark,' he drawled, 'and was driven direct to the theater and then direct to the ho tel, my impressions are favorable. I think you have a very good quality of nights in Detroit,' he added, after a pause; 'fully equal to the nights I have encountered anywhere.' That was a cap ital lead, but I was too badly rattled to take it. I stumbled through a few idiotic commonplaces, and realizing evidently that there was no use wasting any more fun on such a chump, he answered in weary monosyllables. In a few moments I gave up In despair. " 'Now, don't make too much of this,' he remarked as I started for the door, and while the caution was no doubt prompted by fear that I would write something phenomenally stupid it had the effect of putting me suddenly at my ease. 'Don't worry about that, Mr. Clemens,' I replied; 'l'm not going to write anything at all except my resigna tion.' And thereupon I told him briefly the story of my assignment. As I had by that time fully determined to throw up my job and was no longer appre hensive I suppose I told it easily and naturally. At any rate, his eyes twin kled, and when I came to the part about the night editor he threw back his head nnd roared with laughter. 44 'Hold on!' he exclaimed when he *aught his breath. 'We'll have to turn the tables on that fellow sure! Just sit down there with your paper, and I'll see whether I can't dictate something.' "I obeyed in a sort of daze, and he be jan striding up and down the room, puffing his pipe and running his fingers through his bushy hair. In half an hour he had given me a column monologue lbout his experiences on the train com ng in. The road was a notoriously ram shackle affair, and he 'roasted' it in his nappiest vein. " 'Now, you must cut that up into para graphs,' he said when he got through, and sling in a few questions here and here to make it look dialog?. Then I hink you'll have about what you want, ell those other fellows as you go out at I have gone to bed.' Those 'other ■Hows' were two reporters from rival leets who had sent up their cards and •ere then cooling their heels in the eor idor. I tried to thank him, but he cut oe short, and I went away, walking on mbient air. When I turned in my copy, he city editor nearly fell out of his chair, lis astonishment pleased me more than raise in salary, but I was a little dis ppointed in the demeanor of the night iitor. I expected he would look shatn d and remorseful, but he didn't. He lerely remarked that 'appearauces were eotptive,' which I took as unkind." "Did yon ever tell them how you got he story?" asked one of the younger ien who had been listening. "No," replied the old reporter. "I ever told. I let concealment, like the porm in the bud, prey on my damask heek. I had a good deal of cheek in nose days," he added thoughtfully as h» tarteddown stairs.—New Orleans Titnes lemocrat. Why He Wept. 'Why are yon crying, sonny?" "Me bnidder's runned away from me." 'Ah! Yon love yonr brother?" 'Naw; but he hadn't no business fet • go wldout takin me wid him. ■o-hool"—New York Journal. A NOVEL IDEA. tRS HELEN ROOF, of Lima, Ohio, writes t she has supplied herself aud three ghters with shirt waists and earned a utifuliy decorated, 100 piece dinner-set, > a 24 piece silver-service, in three iths, by simply getting a few friends neighbors to try DIAMOND DIGEST ■LETS for Dyspepsia and Constipation, premiums are certainly beautiful, and . Koof says she is over SSO ahead in ul household articles and wearing ap 1. What makes it so easy to earn these ly presents is that DIAMOND DIGEST LETS are warranted to cure any case >yspepsia and restore the bowels and r to perfectly natural action in two cs or the money is refunded. The tab do exactly what Is claimed for them, a few persons once started will use igh to secure you several lovely pre ns in a very short time. If you would a beautiful shirt waist, very latest •, color and material. Just Bend your E and address to the DIAMOND DIUXJ 84 West Broadway, N. Y., requesting \ to send vou eight boxes of tablets to >ld at 25c. a box, and get your father, ler, brothers, uncles, cousins or your i to take them with the understanding they pay you If found good. This they lo and want more every time. Collect (2 and send It in and receive your •nt. You can then get the 24 piece --service and 100 piece dinner-set In -y short time and absolutely without This firm requires no money in ad » and will mall tablets with premium i merely upon request. > * iJ ~ ~iiiS% - - $j Caused Lv over- jI a / ~l W"0 ! work ? No, caused j/; JL \ \ \ by undernourish- ' ~~~ := " ~\ l ment. Work rarely \| causes collapse. It V is worry—the outcome of a low condition of the nervous .sv: tem and inadequate j nutrition which nera'ly causes col- , lapse. The coil: • seems sudden, but in reality it is a slow process. The stom ach and orients t.i and nutri- j tion are d:-;-.: 1, the nourishment in tin food eaten is only partially extra; ', cd an•" imperfectly assimilated. The blood be comes impure; the very fount of life is poisoned, and some day all the faculties and functions goon a strike. That's collapse. Dr. Pierce's Golden Medical Discovery cures diseases of the organs of digestion and nutrition, purifies the blood and builds up the weak body with sound healthy flesh. "I was cured of a very bad case of indigestion, associated with torpid liver, by the use of Dr. Pierce's Golden Medical Discovery," writes Mr. G. B. Bird, of Byrnside. IMitnairi Co . W. Ya. "Before I began the use of' Golden Medical Dis covery'! had no appetite: could not sleep, nor work but very little, bowels consti; nted, and life was a misery to me. After taking four bottles I felt so well that I went to work, but soon got worse, so I used it about eight weeks longer, when I was permanently cured." Dr. I'ierce's Medical Adviser is sent free on receipt of stamps to pay cost of mailing only. Send 21 one-cent stamps for paper covered book, or 31 stamps for cloth, to Dr. R. V. Pierce, Buffalo, N. Y. Good Cue For It. "Alas!" she said, "what shall I do? I feel that I have a heart of stone." "Possibly," ho suggested tentatively, "with my help you might make it the cornerstone of a matrimonial structure." After all, there's nothing like n re sourceful man. She said so herself. —Chi- cago Post. Micht Be Either. MeJigger—Our friend Jenks is either Koing to extremes in the matter of mourning for his late wife or he's looking for a new one. Thingumbob—Why, how is that? MeJigger—He has dyed his hair and mustache jet black. — Philadelphia Press. All the Same to i'ltii. "Yes, I went to hear the singers at the big opera house in I.Vw York." "Singing the operas in Hnglish, weren": 1 they?" "In English? Well. say. I didn't think to ask."—Cleveland Plain Dealer. Always Knew It. "Theophratns doesn't seem to take any interest in polities, dues be?" "No; he wants to be fixed so that whichever way the elect ion goes lie can say he felt sure it would come oat that way."—lndianapolis Journal. I"r'sip* Xot. "Seems to me I've met you somewhere, sir. 1 can't recall your name. I :.t I'm sure I've been in your company before." "I think not, sir; but you kie-w best. I'm the keeper of the house of correc tion."—Pick Me I'p. Di«l«'t Get Any. "Up in the Maine woods, were yon?" "Yes." "Get any moose, or did you see any?" "W< 11. I saw several vamoose after ! shot."—Philadel übia 1 'ress. t nele Allen. "Never." counseled I'ucle Allen Sparks, "look at n gift cheese through the micro scope."—Chicago Tribune New liidnwtry. i % hf, >v.' s? y i Silas—What be yeon doin with that pig tied out in the road? Cyrus—Hush! (ianderbilt's automobile is due along this way. He'll run over the porker and I'll sue for some of his mil lions.—Chicago News. Ready to Meet It. The guest at the expensive hotel had been overcome by the heat and the sight of the bill combined and was ly ing 011 the marble floor of the otiice. "Stand back," exclaimed some one, "and give him air!" "No!" gasped the guest, temporarily reviving. "Put it in the bill. I'm will ing to pay for it!"— Chicago Tribune. IVeeemaity For C*titlon. First Politician—Why is it that your man will make no promises? Just look at the promises our candidate has made. Second Politician—Well, you see, our man expects to be elected. —Indianapo- lis Press. Aluminium Army t toniills. As early as March 4. ISO 7, it was de cided to furnish th? Russian infantry with aluminium cooking utensils, can teens, etc., and quite recently new spec ifications for certain of these articles huve been Issued. The aluminium used must be pure— that is, it must contain not less than 9S per cent of aluminium. I.'n :h article must be pressed out of a single plate of aluminium without any seams or sol der. The articles thus far issued to tfTo army are water kettles, canteens and drinking cups. The kettle (for cooking) lias the form of a truncated one, with the larger di ameter at the bottom. It stands about live inches high, with a t >p diameter of s'a inches and a bottom diameter of 0% inches, and holds about half a gal lon. The bottom is Hat, rounded at the edges, and the top is turned over around an aluminium wire and lias an iron wire handle catching in alumini um ears riveted 011 by means of alu minium rivets. The entire weight of ! the kettle cannot exceed P. 21 grains (about three-quarters of a pound). The canteen or water bottle is ellip tical in shape, with a conical neck open ing outward. In the horizontal cross section the longest diameter measures 4.0 inches, the shortest 2.3 inches. In the vertical section the longest diame ter (lengtli to neck) measures 0.7 inch es. The drinking cup is of an elongated oval form in horizontal cross section, widening toward the top. with nearly vertical sides. It weighs less than one ounce. Recently, however, a rival of alumin ium lias entered the field namely, magnnllum, which promises even bet ter results. New York Sun. ||iifii® (asij I P A GTOTtY OF WAS « IN LA VENDEE. © 9 © C-.fi « » After the town was taken M. Henri made our liousehis lie., Iquarters. Those who had escaped wc e chased to the gates of Niort. The Marseillais threw down their arms in tl streets and sur rendered. The night advanced, still they dragged the prisoners Into our low rafted room. M. Henri cried with vic j torloits clemency, "Lower your arms and you shall not be hurt." The repub licans were disarmed and let go free. I | pointed out to the young chief the dan-, ger of letting hundreds of rebi Is wan- I der about the outskirts, just when his | men were thinking of nothing but vic- I tory and of going each his own way. j "You have some merciless enemies. * I said. "A Marseillais lieutenant nam ed Ripard has sworn that lie would kill you in the combat or murder you afterward 011 the first opportunity." Ou the young chief's handsome face there was a look of childlike astonish ment at Itlpard's hatred. His brow clouded at my words, but he dismissed the thought with a sha'-.e oi' I! ders and gave the order tore., .1 the rest of the prisoners. "We must show them that we have more humanity than they." l:e said. He had scarce Unified speaking when there was a 1 iiiin. He made off, then turn* 1 and i'red on - Ills liberators. We dragged his pistpi from him. Here it is." And the man placed the weapon upon the iaMe. "To the prison," ordered M. Henri, and, turning to the man, he said, "Your name?" The prisoner grinned savagely. ale care. My name will arm .vou. lam Ripard." I trembled. M. I Marseillais nnd sa!<: < tl.": "Well, Ripard. you are free. < >:" "No!" replied the t 1 "I know that trick. I u:i ■ ■* soon as I am out ' ■ I sil»e sh t down by your soldi "My word is my < :,h. You : hail not go unarmed. Take y l M- Ilenrl pointed to the ble. j The man jeered. "Do you know that it is loaded?" For answer M. Henri took the pistol and held it out to Ripard. The prison er snatched it from li is hand, stuck it In ids belt and. looking at the young chief with an evil eye, said sullenly: "Where do you expect me togo? The houses are full; there is no straw. The country is unsafe. If you-are afraid to keep me, kill me, for I am worn out. I cannot drag another step." "Solt!" said M. Henri. "We are 110 longer fighting. There is a capitula tion. If you do not know where togo, you may stop here." 1 trembled at the thought of harbor ing so dangerous a guest and raised a hundred objections. We had not even a chair to spare. "At least," said M. Henri, "he shall share my room. The bed is big enough for two." I was dumb with horror. There was a painful silence, broken by M. Ilenrl begging me to take the torch and show Ripard to his room. The man watched j us narrowly. A drop of blood hanging from the corner of his eyelid rolled down his cheek, leaving a ghastly stain upon It. I walked first, showing the way up the steps, but my heart beat fast, and the torch trembled in my hand, throwing weird shadows as we went. Inside the corridor I opened the sleeping room door and placed the light upon the chimney. The grin on the Marseillais' face froze my blood with horror. I lingered, hoping to find a chance of whispering to M. Henri to disarm Ripard or. at any rate, to let one of the men sleep in his room, but he had forgotten about the pistol or was obstinate in his idea, for he cut me short, saying: "Good night! A domain. I am worn out with fatigue." Ami to hasten my departure, he com menced to unfasten his coat. I went away in despair, leaving the door ajar behind 1110. but I heard M. Henri bid Ripard close It, saying that the}' would sleep more quietly. I trem bled nt the haste with which the man obeyed, double locking the door be hind him. In the anguish that poss< sscd me I had a njind to cross the corridor upon which their room opened, to get a ladder, and climbing up. to watch them through the narrow oeil de ljoeuf win dow placed high in the wall, but my ! courage failed. Still I could not aban ! don our guest to the mercy of his tnemy. M. Henri's Yendean soldiers shared my fears, but they dared not disobey the command. "When M. Henri says a thing, he j means It," they said, but I persuaded one of them to place his mattress Bcross the door, begging him to spend the night there, ready to break in at 1 the first alarm. This done, I retired, but I was stiil uneasy. Though I threw myself dressed upon my bed, I Could not sleep. An hour passed wear ily by, then another; the suspense be ! came unbearable. Unable longer to suppress my fears, I took a ladder from a lumber room at the end of the corridor, placed it noiselessly under ; the oeil de boeuf window, climbed up i aud looked into the room. The light .' was still burning, though the house i was plunged in silence. . i M. Ilenri was lying on the side of I lio i 112 bed nearest to the wall, and Ripard, . having placed the light upon the table | near to the head of the bed, was stand , I ing motionless beside it watching the I sleeper's face. j I could not see his expression, for his jj back was toward me. He remained .; thus some minutes, debating perhaps, ' whether the serenity of those noble , features were not a ruse. I The young chief's shirt was open at ! the neck, showing a medallion attaeh | ed to a silver chain that reposed upon ! his breast. Mis breathing was calm , and regular, bis lips half open in a smile that betokened a peaceful anil j happy dream. Uipard's right hand was C ! half hidden in tie shadow of the table. I could s. e that it held the pistol, his finger upon t!; • trigger. lie seemed to hesitate. Then raising his arm slowly be aimed straight at tbe sleep q er's heart. I was peiri; >d with hot B j*sy. My heart ceased to beat. A cry ( of terror and anguish died away in my throat. Still I watched, powerless to move, as in a dream. Ai)d M, Henri grr.«k » - s* r» ,-f^k r». tter than a Piano, Organ or T >1 • and talks as well as plays, and don't 6bst as much, Itreprodua ; nyl.i jrummt—-hand or orchestra —tclla ' stories and sings-' tfafeokt familiar faymi . well as the popular songs—it. is always ready. Bro t'l ' >ll i' 1 i-<>r» ' si 'tmturi! is on every machine. Cata logues of all dealers, or NATIONAL CIiONOOKAHH CO., IJS l : ifth Ave., New York. , y —} j I i I ■/■v\ 1 | i I ' - & lift JS&3 ik i! I v ; / ' U •-.: . !■ I, \ I S , '■'•■? ■ Lu? 1 S | & , 1 j > V : hs ■ fiP» i J •■• '4 U '■•" ! \ Health is Happiness, j t Health is at the bottom of happi- | I ness. The man or woman who is per- ♦ { fectly well, enjoys life like a child, j | \ Healthy people do not appreciate the J j fact that the country is full of un- j x happy people —people who arc sick t | with skin ailments, kidney and | ? urinary diseases, liver troubles, j | stomach disorders. If they knew j ] of ail t!iis suffering, their hearts i j would go out in sympathy. : Dr David Kenncdjfe j | j ' - pi "■ ••>0 j I '.': people happy by.mak* t I » i wcil. It is a prescription ! fof ai 1 physician, it cures kid" j j i ney, liver, skin, bioodand | I iii ail sick men and wo- i j iy try it,what a happy ♦ ' v. uld be! j \ * "! ,* 'tihlnklihouldhmbMniMitott ; , Mrs. J. I . WaJe <,t Svwe. Ver- J i t • . , had not taken Dr. David Kennedy si , 1 sufifit'J tmm liver anJ J , si en' . J I ' 1 taken ; . but* little white, when 1 be- 1 j gan t -s: better. Now lam perfectly cured." J j si ; ; six for $5. At Drugstores. j j * , vj! ng ami breathing peace- j fully, unci. ;< usly offering his warm Lui ;■ 1 t . the cold muzzle that was j'ji : I : tliat awful moment 1 , shiver of death upon me. i: . i maintained his mnrderotw aim,l still lit! did not lire. He sighed deeply, j his !. ;il (• i i' led. Then he lowered ii. - pistol "- iili a furious movement,! tn. I.i ; ! backward from the 1 I-.. I•v as 1 .<' >usly pale, his eye-j Is t!• : -It. 1. He shook his head, plaeiug l is hands iiefore Ids eyes as though eh::sing some hideous vision anH i; , )Bly placed the pistol upon the table. 1 waited 110 longer. 1 scram bled tL ivn Hie I ilder, stumbled to the c. or «•? M. II nri's room, woke the V< tlriin !-• upon the mattress ate! iu 1 . haste bid him to force tiie lock gently that the Marsell lais should uot hear. The soldier drew a knife from his pocket, and, though lie handled it adroitly, the work was long and difficult. At last the lock gave. I flung the door open and stood dum founded upon the threshold. Side by side M. Henri and ltipard were sleeping as children sleep, their breasts rising and failing with the same regu lar and peaceful inovement and much the same smile upon their lips.—Trans lated From the French For St. Louis Star. HE LOST HIS MONEY. Hot Socnied to Think: tho Hailr«*d Should Muke Good. [Copyright, 1!X)0, by C. B. Lewis.] lie was a man with a satchel, a cane, a lame leg and a troubled coun tenance as he landed from a train at the I.' ll ion depot and inquired who was the bosg around there. The special officer was at hand to ask him what was wanted, and h" promptly replied: "I changed a *1" bill for a feller on the train, and it is a counterfeit, and I want to kuow if the railroad will make it good 10 me?" "No, sir, of course not," replied the officer. -Won't, eh? I didn't hardly s'pose they would, but 1 thought I'd aslt fj /4/£ l v 3 Jjfc k/'JJ imj it SKKKIXO IXFOItMATION. Another feller asked me to play poker with him, and when we got through I was out SS. Will the railroad make it tip to me?" "No. sir." eh? I kinder thought they wouldn't, but it don't do hurt to ask. A feller on tlie train had a terbacker box which he said he'd bet I couldn't open after he had showed me how. 1 took the bet and lost $3. The railroad will give me that back, won't they?" "No, sir. No railroad takes care of idiots who travel," replied the officer. "Don't, eh? I thought they did, but if you say they dou't that settles it. A feller 011 the train had three keerds, and lie flung 'em around and bet me $2 1 couldn't pick out the ace of hearts. 1 took the bet and lost. I>o I get that back?" "Not much. You seem to be a soft mark for swindlers." "l)o you mean Fin easy to work?" "For sure." "Waal. I guess I am. So 1 don't git nuthin back?" "Not a thing. It's a wonder you got here with your watch or a dollar in money." "liut 1 didn't," replied the man with a sad smile. "I bet watches with a feller 011 the train and lost, and I haven't but 15 cents in my pocket!" "Well, you are the biggest greenhorn Iu the state <>f Ohio!" replied the dis gusted officer. "Am I? 1 thought I was. but didn't know for sure. Waal, goodby. I'm goin up town, and I shall probably meet a feller and lose this 13 cents before it 1 git there!" M. QUAD. 'I lie \\ Iwtlimi of E*perl«-iipc. "My son. before you study historj you must understand the philosophy ol it." "How is that attained?" "I>y practice. You must learn to dis-' criminate between lies of doubtful ori gin and tin *e which everybody lias agreed to accept."—Life. THE ARIZONA KICKER SOME ITEMS OF NEWS TOLD BY THE BUSY EDITOR. Straiuht Tiill.h. Too, l>y 11 Man Who AVuiiAm HIMSELF I nderstood utul Ih ] AltvavH Itendy to lluck Ip All Tliut He Sn.vit, I [Copyright, 1600, by C. B. Lewis.] The vigilance committee over at Lone Jack seems to need an instructor. It has hung one man three different times, and yet he is walking around today in good health. We understand that certain parties j in this town have written the post- I master general that we play 1 r. Yes. we do, but we play it as editor and not as postmaster and would like to sit down in a game with the I*. G. himself if lie's inclined that way. We believe that what is to happen will happen. In other words, we give Lawyer Dodge due notice that if lie brings another libel suit against The Kicker we will call at his office and make him eat all tin? papers in the [ case, with a few deeds aud bills of I sale as a wind up. \ The rumor that we are looking for I another political office is true. We ' now hanker to be fish commissioner of the territory, thus giving 11s five soft 1 snaps. There is no cheek about this. We are simply taking care of ourselves as an editor. What is left after we are provided for can goto the modest aud bumble public. The little scrap between our fighting | dog Jim and a cur from Rose Hill, 1 which took place at the rink Wednes day uiglit. as advertised, put SSO more in our pocket toward the project of J bringing out a daily Kicker next year. We own the dog as an individual and not as editor, mayor, postmaster or state senator. In accordance with a careless habit we have somehow acquired we spat on ; Major Johnson's boots as we stood talking with him 011 the street the oth- S/ 112 - * THE EDITOR SURPRISED, cr day. Supposing we meant to insult him, the major pulled his gun and fired a bullet through our hat. Expla nations ami drinks followed, and all is sereue at this writing. If any one is curious to know why J. B. Williams left town last Sunday night with his legs working like pis ton rods and his hair on the curl, we can explain that, as secretary of the vigilance committee, we had given him warning to skip or dangle. He de rided to skii> and has probably reach ed Utah by this time. J. K. was a lit tle too stiff as a braggart anil a dead beat The gossip around town that we are planning a SSO,iXK) opera house is all nonsense, lltllso hall is l»ig enough and good enough for the "Uncle Tom's Cabin" troupes which come this way, and the spectators 011 the front seats with their guns have also become used to the targets and the distances. Some one has sent us by mail a Ku klux notice skull, crossboues and all warning us to get out of Arizona with in 30 days or take the consequences. I'lease bring on your consequences. We don't propose to leave this balmy country for many years to come, and we'll bet 10 to 1 that we add that chap's carcass to the 13 others sleep ing so quietly in our private editorial graveyard. We are no buzzsaw, but the man who monkeys with us has got to be chain lightning to keep his health. M. QUAD. Habitant With Him. Mrs. Church —Your name is not spell ed right on this list. Mrs.Gotham—What's the matter with It? "Why, Lillle is spelled with only one •I.'" "Oh, well, my husband wrote that. It's nothing new for liiiu to forget one of my letters."—Yonkers Statesman. Stnlihed Her la the >'eck. "Madam," complained the man be hind the hat, "I can't see the stage. If jou'd kindly remove" — "Oh," snapped the lady, "I guess you're seeing your money's worth!" "You're right," he replied. "I only paid $1.50, but here I can see the price tag of your hat, and it's marked $3.08." —Philadelphia Press. Making Him Hnroilesn. "I understand that a stump orator's private car is to be attached to this train." "Don't worry, sir. You will not be disturbed. We have arranged to re move the rear platform Just as soon ns the train starts." —Cleveland Plain Dealer. Hardly. I'at—Be you th' gintleman tliot ad vertoised in th' paper for a porter, si«r? Merchant—Yes, but I distinctly stat ed that all applications must be made by mail. Pat Begorry, an is it a female Oi'm tftlier look in loik?—Chicago News. YOUTHS' DEPARTMENT. A a Old Mariner 1 * C'ompnjin— Sent *0 Her Garden—When I Wan a Boy. riaee a needle against a strong horseshoe magnet overnight. The next morning set the needle afloat in a . basin of water, and if the stars are j shining that evening carry your com pass outdoors, and the needle will ' point out to you the beautiful polar star, to which mariners very often j 1 used to pray. Turn the needle as much as you p 1 it will ever swing to its proper , position 1 ■ 112 t'.iat position will not be ju. : . uiili the north pole. Why? Because this old earth is itself an enormous magnet, and it deigns to In fluence even a tiny needle, turning it : a trifle to the left— that is, to the north- ! west—of the star. It was the clever Chinese who discovered this simple compass, and the joke is that our north pole Is their south pole. China Is a topsyturvy place. Ships have often gone out of their j courses because of the derangement, j as it is called, of the compass. The compass is deranged by iron, which attracts It. Hold a piece of iron near your water compass, and the needle may point south-southwest. A ship's cargo may 1 contain enough iron to worry a com- | pass, don't you see? Not so many years ago a fine English vessel was wrecked on account of incorrect com passes. And you will remember, or, if you do not, you will want to read, that part of "Slndbad the Sailor" telling of the loadstone rock which drew all the nails from a vessel. No such thing ever happened, of course, but the root of the idea is true. When a vessel has her compass adjusted, she is brought j to a calm place where she can swing j about her anchor chain in the manner | of a merry go round. The needle is watched, and if it fails to point always to a certain spot magnets or pieces of iron are placed in just the right spot to correct the needle. Sprinkle iron filings on a sheet of pa per pasted on the frame of a shallow j pasteboard box. The frame is made ; by cutting away the bottom of the box with the exception of a narrow border, j Touch the underside with a strong magnet, drawing it this way and that, and the filings will form beautiful and ever changing patterns in obedience to ; the movements of the magnet This little experiment makes a magnetic ka leidoscope. Professor Faraday proved that ev erything, "a ray of light and even a leg of mutton, may be influenced by a powerful magnet," but we must con tent ourselves with influencing steel and Iron and will find our hands full in experimenting with those metals. Let us find out all we can about mag netism. which, like light and heat, is a great force. HEMORRHAGE OF THE LUNGS. lint it Means and How It Should He Treated. Bleeding from the lungs is one of the not uncommon symptoms of consumption, occurring at some time iu the course of the disease in perhaps two-thirds of the cases. It is often the first indication ot ' iung trouble iu a person who has been losing flesh and growing weak without any apparent cause, but it more often oc curs in advanced stages of the disease. There may be one hemorrhage only, or the trouble may recur frequently, and the amount of blood expectorated may be ' barely enough to tinge the phlegm, or the j bleeding may be most profuse, a cupful j or even a pint or more. It very rarely happens that the quantl- j ty is so great as to endanger life, yet tho , blood may be poured into the bronchial j tubes more rapidly than it can be cough- j ed up, and so actually drown the sufferer, j The treatment of hemorrhage of the lungs consists first of all iu absolute quiet. The patient should be in a cool 1 room, lying down, but with shoulders | raised, and should he forbidden to talk. I Swallowing cracked ice may be service able and a!so cold applications to the chest, but of course a physician must be called to administer suitable remedies for the control of the bleeding if it is at all profuse. Quiet, deep breathing is useful, but the patient should avoid any attempt to keep back the blood, for when it has once es caped from the blood vessels it is better coughed up than remaining in the air tubes. Fear or excitement only makes the bleeding worse, aud patients should be taught that the hemorrhage is a usual j occurrence iu consumption and that it 1 seldom has any effect upon the course of the disease, especially that it does not at all preclude absolute recovery under proper hygienic treatment. Some physicians tell consumptive pa tients that they must expect one or more attacks of hemorrhage, possibly quite se vere ones, but that such hemorrhage is usually of no great moment. In some cases indeed, when the spitting of blood is due to congestion rather than j to an actual tear of some of the blood j vessels, it may be beneficial as tending ; to relieve the stagnation and so give the ' circulation a chance to re-establish itself, j An important fact to remember, one which may tend to relieve the sufferer's anxiety, is that the blood which is ex pectorated is much more often from the throat or nose than from the lungs and may have nothing to do with the fact that tiie patient is a consumptive.— Y'outh's Companion. THE ANIMAL KINGDOM. On an average a cow yields 350 gallons of milk a year. The swallow is said to be one of the fastest of the avine tribe. It is known to have covered 120 miles an hour. The Argentine locusts have a habit of moving forward like an army in line and gathering together in bunches in stead of scattering like true grasshop pers. NQSQI CATARRH In all its stages th e re Ehould be cleanliness. Ely's Cream Balm cleauPC9,floothesand heals the diseased membrane. It cures catarrh and drives Jf Vr* away a cold iu the head quickly. Cream Balm is placed Into the nostrils, spreads over the membrane and is absorbed. Relief is im mediate and a cure follows. It is not drying—docs not produce sneezing. Large Size, 50 cents at Drug gists or by mail; Trial Size, 10 cents by mail. ELY BKOTIIEUS, SO Warreu Street, New York. Chas. L. Pettis & Co.. CASH | PRODUCE BUYERS. Dressed Poultry, (iame, l : urs, HJIRS anil liutter. 204 DUANE STREET, NEW YORK. Write for Our Present Paying Prices. D,, L. & H RAIIfiOAD, TIME TABLE, In Effect September Ist. 1899 GOJNG WEST PAS • | I i I New p.m. a. m. a.m # Barclay St. I,v. y ;jj jO uu •••• i ristopher St.. y yy lo oo • ••• lloboken y 45; iu i& .... K'-ranton Ar| 230 j 152 i ,lail >' .. „ 5 50 A.Vf M. l * M * r r SciIANTOR . 10 IK) o'o\ 3 i; (»•; lieiiovuc i...' 3*vj; l Taylorvilie io i.V 203 j; l 0 i Lackawanna j ;o 23 210 " .h iu ""'Tea, ; 10 *z.i 213 t; j4 Pittstor. ! 10 B i 2 17 •* '*{ Susquehanna Ave...' 10 ;{ a 4 030 West PittSton 0 5 10 :«j 224 * ls t ; - M Wyoming 7 0 \o 14 2ai 4 09 tj Forty Fort I 4 13 Bennett 7 0 10 52 2 Ile g'Jj Kingston 7 1 Hi st> 2 4.i 42j 4; Kingston..... 7 1 lu ;>(> 211 ■* *" s y 51) Plymouth JliOC 7 1 j 247 * 6 I'lytnoutb 7 2 11 o.'ij 252 7io Avondale 7 2 I j 2. 7 *••" 725 Nanticoke 7 3 11 131 302 •••• Huulock'f i 7 3 11 111 1 310 ••••; Shickshinny 7 5 11 30 32t •••• Hick's Ferry » 0 fll 13; 335 •••• Head) P'aven 8 1 11 48: 342 .... Berwick 81, 11 si| 349 Hriar Creek fs 2 112 3 56 .... Lime Kidlce.t 8 3 flii OH' 404 Ecpy : 83- 12 I'll 4 11 .... Bloomsburg ! 8 4~j 12 22 417 .... Kupert !8 50 12 27 423 Oatawlpsa i 8 69 12 32 4 a .... Danville 1 9 10 12 47 442 Chulasky 1 4 49 .... 'aineron ;9 20 12 57 464 ....8 46 Nckthumhkrland 935 110 60s ....;}» 0U Ar. A.M.I p. M. P. M. P.M. I».M GOING EAST. STATIONS. j. AS : PAB.I PAS. PAS. PAB ' j I ! i NkwYohk pin: P' rn ' a - m 'i.m. am Barclay St. &r. 330 5 00! j6 40 Christopher St... 3 no; 4 65' 6 35 Hoboken 2 17, 448 826 ; Scranton 10 05 12 55: ' -JO 1 a.m.: P.m. j H " I j daily p.m a.m. P. m. p. m. p. m. l dly ! Scran ton 042 12 35 4 661 5359 07 Bellevue 1» 38 4 60j 5 30|9 02 Taylorvilie 9 33' 445 6 251857 Lackawanna 9 26 ; 437 5 I 147 Duryea 3 23! 434 5 ;8 48 PittSton 919 12 17 429 5 844 Susquehanna Ave.. 915 12 14 4 24' 5 |S3O West Pittston.... . "» '.2 .... 4 2l| 5 836 Wyoming 90s Ix Oh 4 161 50 }822 Forty Fort 903 410 4 828 | Bennett 900 4 06! 4 (, 824 i Kingston, 857 12 02 4 01: 4 5 821 | Kingston 855 12 00 4 t'2' 4 .8 10 j Plymouth Junction 850 | 365 4 1 818 | Plymouth 815 11 52 3 51 1 4418 01 j Avondale 840 1 3 40 ®o® Nanticoke 8 35| 11 45 342 ol Hun lock's 8 27' 1 3 34 <46 I Shickshinny 815 11 30 324 138 Hick's Ferry 804 , 31 3 ' m 2 ' Beaeh Haven 753 307 |J 1» Berwick 7 4- r > 11 04 301 iJOo Briar Creek 1 ! Lime Ridge 7 30j I 248 i® J t Espy 723 10 4« 242 ° ;'•> Bloomsburg 715 10 41 236 '«J Kupert 709 10 36 2 31, !®®J | Catawissa 7 03; 10 32 226 r ~ Danville 650 10 21 212 8/3 : Chulasky ; Cameron j 6 38 j ( ' J™ NOBTHUMBBBL'D... j 625 10 00: 1 50 9 LV A.M.I A. M. Ir. M. 1P« M - (p.M Connections at Kupert with Philadelphia & Heading Kailroad lor Tamanend, Tamaqua, Williamsport, Sunbury, Pottsville, etc. At Northuinneriand with P and E. Div. P. K. K. for Harris-burg. Lock Haven, Emporium, Warren Corry, anil Erie. PENNSYLVANIA RAILROAD, TIME TABLE j In Effect May 28th, 1900, A M A. M. P.H.I'. M 1 Scranton(D&H)lv j6 45 «9 38 218iA 27 | i ittston " " 708 flo 00 §212 4 52 A.M. A. M. P.M. P.wi Wilkesbarre,.. lv § 730 §lO 55 30858 00 Fiym'th Ferry '• 112 7 38 fli (12 112 3 18 fa 07; 1 Nanticoke " 746 11 lo| 32# 6 171'^^ iVlocanaqua .... " 804 11 32 346 6 37j Wapwailopen.. " 8 13 11 42 356 647 * | Nescopeck ar 8241152 4 07 7 ooj ! A.M. P.M. P.M. j Pottsville lv § 5 50 |SI2 30 g Hazleton " 705 j 200 5 50j ' Tomliicken "j 722 1 218 610 I Fern Olen " 729 : 227 6 18 ; j Kock 'Hen "I 735 j 234 6 25, ! Nescopeck .... arl 800 ! 300 050 j Catawissa.. .ar |_ AM p M p M Nescopeck lv § 8 24 §ll 52 § 4 07 \1 00) Creasy " 833 12 02 416 7 o»|* Espy ' Ferry.... " 1 8 43 12 10 112 4 24 7 E. Bloomsburg, " 847 12 14, 420 7 2.v I Catawissa ar 855 12 21 435 732 Catawissa lv 855 12 21| 4 35, 7 32, South Danville " 9 14 12 38j 453 7 51 1 Sunbury " 935 100 ; 5 15j « 15 | I A.M. P.M. P. M IVM. Sunbury Iv || 9 42 § 1 10 $ 5 Lewisburg.... ar 10 13 1 45j 618 Milton " lo 08 139 614 904 Williamsport.. " 11 00 230 7 10 ySO Haven... " 11 59 340 8 07; Kcnovo " A.M. 4 40| 900 Kane " 8 25 ! —_ im | Look Haven. .lv gl2 10 3 3 45' Bellefonte ....ar 105# 441 Tyrone " 21511ti 00 Pliilipsburg " 423' i 8 26 Cleartleld.... " 507 909 Pittsburg.... " 655 81l 30 ~~ A jvT P. M P. M. FU Sunbury lv 960§155j5 25 UH 31 Harrlsburg ar hi 11 30 §315 j] 6 55j ;o 101 P.M. P. M. P. M.IA M Philadelphia., ar § 3 17 || 6 23 || 10 20 r 4 251 Baltimore " § 3 11 II 6 "0 j 9 45 2 30 Washington... " § 4 101, 7 15 jlO 551 4 05. ~ JTyT. P. M.i I | Sunbury lv S 9 57 i § 2 031 | | Lewistown Jc. ar 11 40} 3 50! | j I Pittsburg "* 6 55j§1130! J I A.M. P, M P. MJP M i Harrisburg.... lv 11 46 II 3 46 || 7 20 P.M. A.M.AM I Uttsburg ar | 6 55||| 1130;|| 1 50] 5 30; !p. M. P M A M A M Pittsburg lv | 7 10 j 8 30 1 2 50 |8 00 . A. M A M P M Harrisburg.... ar ( 1 55 J 3 4« j 9 10 1 3 10 P M A M| Pittsbuig lv I 8 00j P M Ijewistown Jj. " ; 7 30 jj 3 !0i Sunbury ar 9 20 g 5 00, P. M. A M A M A M Washington... lv glO 40 \ 7 45 jlO 50 Baltimore •• ill 41 I 4 50 84) !|ll 45 Philadelphia... " 1,11 20 428 840fi 12 261 A. M. A M A. M. P Ml Harrisburg.... lv | 3 35 | 7 55 jll 40 'i 4 00| Sunbury ...... ar ii 505 936 110 \ 5 401 P. M. A M A M I Pittsburg lv ?12 45 | 2 60 g 8 00 ( learlield.... " 409 9 28, Pliilipsburg.. " 456 10 12! Tyrone " 715 i 8 io 12 30! Bellefonte.. " 831 932 1 42; Lock Haven ar 930 10 30 2 43| P.M. A M A M PM Erie lv j 4 30 j Kane " 755 1;,6 00 Uenovo " li i 5 \ 640 10 30 Luck Haven.... " 12 03 733 11 25 |3 00 " A.M. P M Williamsport .. " 105 830 jl2 401 400 Milton •' I">6 9 19; 127 4 -*>2 "**" Lewisburg " 905 1 lot 4 471' Sunbury ar 227 9 lOj 1 65j 620 A.M. AMP M PM Sunbury lvii ti 50 1955 ; 2 00is. 648 South Danville" 7 13 JiO 17' 221 j 6 09']" Catawissa " 733 10 35 236 627 E Bloomsburg.. " 739 10 43. 243 632 Espv Ferry...." 743 flO 47 f6 36 - ;"* UttUJ "I 7SB 10 66 255 i 6 48 Nescopeck " 803 11 o.'>, 305 656 | A M A M P. M. P M | I Catawissa lv j 738 Nescoprck Iv gl 1 55 #4 10 s 7 05 Kock Olen ar 826 12 21 4:46; 7 311 Fern (lien "j 8 3:;; 12 27 ) 4 42 j 737 j Tomliicken "j 842 12 35: 451 745 Hazleton "j 902 12 112 5 5 121 806 Pottsville "| 11 301 208 6 30j 9 05, :::: AMAMP M P Mr Nescopeck lv j 8 031111 05 ; 3 05 6 .55 . ... Wapwailopen. .ar 818 II 20 319 709 Mocanaoua .... "j 828 II 32; 329 7 21' Nanticoke " 848 11 54 348 742 P M| Plvm'th Ferry" 112 12 02j 3 57 17 52 Wilksbane ... " 906 12 10 4 05j 800 AM P M P M P M Pittston! DAT!) ar 5 9 L ; 9 US 49 \4 52 836 1 Scranton " "I 10 08| 1 18| 520?. 9 05 g Weekdays. ! Daily. 112 Flag station. Additional Train leaves Hazleton 5.15 p. m., Tomliicken 5.35 p. 111., Fern Olen 5.43 p. 111., | liock Olen 5.50 p.m., arriving at Catawissa ' ! 625 p. rn l'ullman Parlor and Slecplnsr Cars run on | through trains between Sunbury. Williamsport : \ and 'Will CURS YOU if taken in time. Sold by Drnggista cn a guar, antee. For a Limo llack or Chpft, upa SHILOH'S BELLADONNA PLASTtK^i SHILOH'S/4 CATARRH j lave you catarrh 1 'this roruedy Jsgnaraa teed to euro you. Price. Wcu. Injector frca. POfctehf*U«r'« Facliih DUaniil llraa*. EEINYRQYAL PILLS I Original and Only Genuine. A tr-rySUK ©Arc, AI»AJ» rciiabk. LAOitOMfc^^ '• Dra*«l«t for CkichMUr i Bnqlitk Di» JmK\ Brand in lied aud Gold mcU!llc\\W ""Aiod with blue ribbon. Toko Tn other. Refua* dang*rou» tuhstitu- ▼ \ J - jtftion* and im»taixon*. At Prugriete. or tend Co. 112 Jjf in wtATv.ps for pArticalArt, t-ptncoclAl< Ml \my JO •• Relief for Ladle*" *« lett£r - *J [T JMoil. 10,000 TrttimonloU. b'mmt F«par. ~ / *» nil Orn(«lerfectj2jj^rmles9 The Ladies' Xj£&"fe PRICESI.oO .(&//£kf Sent postpaid on receipt of price. Money refunded if not as . * y - Yin de Cinchona Co. Des Moines, lowa.