~ V Pigtellawejttg, "Artemus ward." Artemus Ward's new talk on the "Mor mons" ia very funny. Here are some of his bits:— Bngham Young has eight wives, besides those which are only "seftltd," and not with him. He loves not wisely, But too [hundred J well, Ths Vice-President has two thousand head of catllo and two hundred head of wives , They have an awful appetite. I once thought- j lessly gave a family ticket to an elder to at-., tend my lecture. He carae and filled the wUole house . 'Twas a success that night but I didn't get any money. The seventeen wives of a deceased Elder tried to make me a Mormon and marry them, they wept: they bovo a sigh—a sigh of con siderable size. They put their soft, white hand in mine (seventeen hands !), surround ing me. There I was alone, away from my parents ! I exclaimed, I hope you have no dishonorable intentions ? As I took myself away they said in their t much!" That-was just the thing that troubled me in their request, and so I said "it is too much !" "When captured by the Indians I saw de scending on me the glittering 'tomahawk in the morning 'igbt. I had no reinforcements, no pontoons, no last ditch with me, and I had no "female attire," so I sez boldly, I sur render! I was allowed to march out with my side arms and green cotton unberrella which my aunt at Sacrapp had given me. I did not feel afraid—not I—for I had exposed my life before. I once stood at Centreville and saw thousands of bullets—those leader, messengers of death !—thousands of possiog close by me—packed in boxes and wagons. 1 ' NEW WAT OF APPLYING LEECHES.— "WeII my good woman," said the doctor, "how is your husband to day '? Better, no doubt." "Oh ! yes, 6urely," said the woman ; "he is as well as ever, and gone to the field." "I thought so,"coutinued the doctor. "The .. { Ueecbes have cured him. Wonderful effect " they have. You got'the leeches of course ?" "O ! yes, they did him a great deal of good though he could not take them all!" "Take them all ! Why. my good woman, how did you apply them ?" "0,1 managed nicely," said the wife, look ing quite contented with beiself. "For va* riety's sake I boiled one-half and made a fry of the other. The first he got down very well, but the second made him very sick.— Bat what he took was quite enough," contin ued she, seeing some horror in the doctor's countenance, "for he was better the next morning, and to-day he is quite well." A country chap, who recently visited San Francisco for the fir6t time, gives his views of the ladies in this way : "Somewhars in circomfrence of silk and velvet, that wriggles along the streets there's aflers a woman, I 'spose ; but how much of the holler is filled, and how much is gammon, the mere specta tor dun no. A feller marry's a site, and finds when it cums to the p'int, that he has nuthin' in his arms but a reg'iar anatomy.— Ef men is gay deseevers, wo'ts to be 6aid of the female that dressed for a hundred and forty weight, but has'nt reely as much fat on her as would grease a griddle—all the appar eat plumpness consisting of cotton and whale bone." i Deeply were we affected, on reading the other day, of a young lady, who being told that her lover was suddenly killed, "0 / that splendid gold watch of his—give me that— give me something to remember him by!"— Touching simplicity. A little fellow going to church for the first time, where the pews were very high, was asked ou coming out, what he did in churcit, when he replied : "I went into a cupboard, and took a seat on the shelf." It is said that a girl in England was struck dumb by the firing of s cannon. Since then • number of married men bavs Invited the artillery to come and discharge their pieces on their premises. 4- ■ It is a remarkable fact that, however well young ladies may be versed in grammar, very fw can decline matrimony. What is the difference between a gentle man and a deg's tail ? One keeps a carriage, and the other keeps a wagon. When may two people be said to be half witted ? When they bare an understanding between them. Men who boast loudly that they never show quarter in times of danger are certain to show none but their bind ones. 4, Thou rainest in this bosom." as the chap aaid when a basin of water was thrown over him by the lady he was serenading. "Sail, what time does your folks dine ?" 'Soon ss you goes ; that's missus' orders." "Good morning. Jones. How does the • i world use you ?" "It uses me up, thank you. When is a nutmeg in a prison window ? An. -When it is "grated-" - ■ What is the difference between an accept ed and a rejected lover ? One kisses his miss, nod the other misses his kiss ! When a Baltimore lady is kissed, she says •he feels as though she was taking chloroform end remains insensible as long as the opera tion last a. ..v : ■ . . -Aji i "" Ir* r • , > I ' I ' ' 100,000 Men sod W omen I-. to call, and examine for themselves, the new and sglended stock of SPRING- & SUMMER Goods, —AT— THI HEAD QUARTERS for Good bargains. - * i• t A j i.i j " i,lPi* f'• t Ilallstead & Howe. . J -V , Have just opened a large and well selected stock of goods at the store formerly occupied by 0. L. Hallstead & Son at NICHOLSON DPOT where can be found the handsomest •nd cheapest stock of goods in the country, consisting of foreign and do mestic DRY GODS! Cloths, Cassimcres, Muslins, Sheet ings, Ticking, ali co's Delanes, Flannels, and all kinds, .of Mourning Goods. Alpaccas, Black Silks, Ginghams, Balmoral and Skeleton Skirts, Canton Flan nels, ankeen, and Carpeting of all kinds H ail muse of Rhyme inspire my song, Al nd lend to me thy soaring wing, Least while I plod, the thoughtless throng L ed on by some false God or King, Seek. in vain, the place to find, T hat satisfaction gives human kind, IC ach strives the favored goal to seek, A. nd struggling on with might and main. X) elves deep in earth, o'er oceans sweep, A. nd follows mammon's motly train, i\ eath whose gilded palace lies IX estruction to her votaries. Hearken wea-yone, let wisdom speak. Oft she's hinted, now she vows; U W V V orth of your money do you seek ?" h re it's too late, go to HALSTEAD ± HOWE'S HATS & CAPS Notions Sf Varieties Com prising Ho siery,Gloves,Thead Buttons, Suspenders, Neckties, Collars, Hand kerchiefs, /fair Brushes, Tooth Brushes, Gum, Ribbon and Cords, Tape, Crotchet braid, worked collars, fancy head dresses tidy cotton, carpet binding combs, fancy soaps, Carpet bags, trunks, Valises, U mbrellas, Blank Books, Paper Envelopes' &c., &c. &c., Hardware of all kinds, such i \ j ails, f/inges, Screws, Door Latches and Knobs, Locks and CUTLERY of every de scription. Also Dyes Drags, Paints, Varnish es, Fish Flaxseed and Benzine Oils, Glass, Putty, etc. Q,ueens & Glassware Cf all kinds. Stone and Earthenware. A large Stock of ©BOSSISSS, Composed of sugar, coffee, teas, rice, corn starch, Maccaroni, Barley, Bak ing powder, molasses, soaps, candles, tobacco, and segars, salt, fish, meat, cheese, &c. , , , , jp/# Also, a large variety of : ; , Bootsand Shoes, or Men, Women and Children, CrT- kinds of Grain and' Cou ntry Produce taken in exchange for Goods. 4 . Q Call andsee for yourselves and we assure you good bargains. H. P. HALLSTEAD, J.E.IIOWE. % Nicholson, June 28,186& JJEL. LACK. A WESTERN R. R Summer Arrangement--1865, PASSENGER TRAINS LB^VE WESTWARD | EASTWARD. Morning i Evcn'g | BTATIOKB j Morn'g | Evening Train | Tra'n | | Train | Train. A. HI | P.M. | |A. M. |P. M. 9.00 400 New York 5.20 10.30 r 11.25 7.05 New Hampton .... 2.35 827 1142 7.22 Washington 2,19 811 11 54 7.34 Oxford 207 8.00 H12.05 7,45 JBridgeville 1.56 7.50 *12.20 8-20 Dlaware 1.42 7,40?*? §l2 40 8.29 Mount Bethel 1.17 7-15^ 5 12.55 8.45 Water Gap 102 7.00 S3 1-33 910 Spragueville 12 37 6-38 2 2.00 9.35 Oakland 12.11 6.1*3 ® 2.13 9.52 Forks 11.53 5.29 3 22 38 10.11 Tobyhanna, 11 34 5.41 a 252 10.24 Gouldsboro---*- 11,20 s.2ftW IL 3,27 10.58 Dunning 10,47 4-58** i* 3.40 Greenville 1(4.35 ••••{2 ™ 4.20 11.45 SCRANTON 10 15 430 4.42 ■••• Clark's Summit-•••. 9.33 450 12.15 Abington 9.30- 350 5.06 12.31 Factory vilte 9.14 3.35 5.26 12 51 Nicholson 8,50 3.12 5.43 1.13 Hopbottom 833 2.57 6.10 1.35 Montrose 8.10 2.36 6.31 1.36 New Miiford 7.49 217 650 2.15 Great Bend 7,30 2,00 P, M. A. M A, M. P. M. CONNECTIONS—Westward, The MORNTNG TRAIN from New York con nects at MANFN.vA CHUNK with the train leav ing Philadelohia (Kensington Depot) at 7 30 a. in. and at GREAT BEND with the through Mall Train on the Erie Railway, with sleeping car attached, stopping at all the principal stations on that rc neat, substan tial and workmanlike manner. N. B.—Old cane-seat chair.", new-seated and re paired. ■* UNDERTAKING.—Having a Hoarse of his own and having had much experience, he will attend this department of the busine.-.* on short uotice and in a sati"fact'TV manner. ABRAHAM HAAS. July 16, IR62.—vln4Ply CROCKER, Y!!! A Large Stock just Opened AT T. L. ROSS CO'S., WALL PAPER. WALL PAPER. WALL PAPER. WINDOW SHADES. WINDOW SIIAD ES. WINDOW SHADES. OF ALL STYLES. CLOTII SHADES WITH BORDERS. CLOTH SHADES WITH BORDERS. FIXTURES AND ROLLERS, COMPLETE FIXTURES AND ROLLERS COMPLETE EMBROIDERED MUSLIN CURTAINS. EMBROIDERED MUSLIN CURTAINS EMBROIDERED MUSLIN CURTAINS. ALSO Large Stock of White Goods: SWISS MULS DOTTED S W IS.- MUSLIN, BRILLIANTS, JACONETS, LACES, BALMORAL SKIRTS, SPRING SKIRTS. . , GLOVES, REAL AL EX ANDRE'S KID. , And a Large Stock of YAFLK£E_HOTIONS. Iron, N ai Is, Wliite-Lead, Zinc, Linseed Oil, Glass, Putty, Door-Locks, ' '.:, t and a genera assortment -of - BUILDERS HARDWARE. Fish, of all kinds. Casb. Faid for ail kinds of Grain. Tunkhannock, March, 9th. 18G4. HARDWARE & IRON HUNT no's & slair NOW OFFER FOR SALE IRON, STEEL, NATLS AND SPIKES, MINE RAIL, RAILROAD SPIKES, ANVILS, BELLOWS, PLAIN A CONVEX HORSE-SIIOES. HAM MERED HORSE NAILS. WROUGHT IRON, iUMIDEBS' HARDVAfIS. I J CARPEN , ■ , TERS' TOOLS, .1 (ALL WARRANTED,) HUBS, SPOKES, FELLOES, SEAT .■SPWDLES, CARRIAGE SPRINGS, AXLES. PIPE BOXES, SPRING STEEL, •V BOTTS, NUTS, WASH- 9 * EES BELTING, PACKING, GRIND STONES; PLASTER PARIS, CEMENT, HAIR, SHOVELS, WHITE LEAD FRENCH WINDOW GLASS, Ac., Ac., ALSO SASH, DOORS AND BLINDS ON HAND IN ASSORTMENT AND MANUFACTURED TO ORDER LEATHEEIi AND FINDINGS . . FALRBAK'S SALES. vwurtoa, March *O. 136 J. vln33 ,'sUlv i VI/. a Ayer'sSarsaparilla A compound remedy, designed to be the IBM| effectual Alterative that can be made. It i* a concentrated extract of Para Smaparill*, so combined with other substance* of still greater alterative power as to afford an, cflfc*. tive antidote for the diseases Sarsspaiille fc reputed to cure. It is believed a remedy is wanted by those who suffer from Strumous complaints, and that one which will accomplish their cure must prove of immense service to this large class of our afflictadlrllow. citizens. How completely this compound will do it has been proven by experiment on many of the worst cases to be found of the following complaints: ScHOFULA. AND SCROFULOUS COMFLAIXT*, ERUPTIONS AND ERUPTIVE DISEASES, ULCERS, PIMPI.ES, BLOTCHES, TUMORS, SALT RHKUM, SCALD HEAD, SYPHILIS AND SYPHILITIC AF FECTIONS, MERCURIAL DISE ASE, DROPSY, NEU RALGIA OR TIC DOULOUREUX, DEBILITY, DYS PEPSIA AND IXDIOESTIOX, ERYSIPELA*, Roil OR ST. ANTHONY'S FIRE, and indeed the whol* class of complaints arising from IXPUTT *V THB BLOOD. > This compound will be found a gmt pro moter of health, when taken in the spring, to expel the foul humors which fester in th* blood at that season of the year. By the time ly expulsion of them many rankling disorder* are nipped in the bud. Multitude* can, by the aid of this remedy, spare tliemselve* from the endurance of foul eruptions and ukerous sore 9, through which the system will atrive to rid itself of corruptions, if not assisted to dc this through the natural channels of tRB body by an alterative medicine. Cleanse out tli* vitiated blood whenever you find its inipUritiea bursting through the skiu in pimples, eruption*, or sores; cleanse it when you find it i ob [ structed and sluggish in the veins; cleans* it whenever it is foul, and your feelings will tell you when. Even where no particular disorder is felt, people enjoy better health, and liv* longer, for cleansing the blood. Keep th* blood healthy, and all is well; but with this fiabulum of life disordered, there can b no asting health. Sooner or later somethu:* must go wrong, and the great m. jhinery M life is disordered or overthrown. Sarseparilla has, and deserve* much, th* repu otion of accomplishing these ends. But the world has been egregiously deceived by preparations of it, partly because the drur alone has not all the virtue that is claim*! for it, but more because many preparation*, pretending to be concentrated extract* of it, contain but little of the virtue of Sarsaparilla, or any thing else. During late years the public have been rai led by large bottles, preteiuLiig to give a quart of Extract of Sarsaparilla for one dollar. Most of these have been frauds upon the sick, for they not only contain little, if any, Sarsapa rilla, but often no curat ve properties whatev er. Hence, bitter and painftil disappointment has followed the use of the various extracts of Sarsaparilla which flood the market, until th* name itself is justly despised, and has become synonymous with imposition and chnht. Still we call tiiis compound Sarsaparilla, and intend to supply such a remedy as shall rescaa th* name from the load of obloquy which rest* upon it. And we think we have ground foT believing it has virtues which are irreaistibl* by the ordinary run of the diseases it is intend ed to cure. In order to secure their complet* eradication from the system, the remedy should be judiciously taken according to direction* on the bottle. PREPARED BY DR. J. C. AYE R 8c GO. LOWELL, MASS. Price, SI per Bottle ; Six Bottle* t*r #3. Ayer's Cherry Pectoral has won for itself such a renown for the_ cura of every variety of Throat and Lung Complaint, that it is entirely unnecessary for us to recount the evidence of its virtues, wherever it haa bee* eia ploved. As it has long been in constant u* throughout this section, we need not do more Yuan assure the people its quality is kept tip to th* best it ever has been, anu that ;t may V relied on to do for their relief all it has ever been found to do. Ayer's Cathartic Pills, FOR THE CURE OF Costivcnest, Jaundice, Dyspepsia, Indqmt on, Dysentery, Foul Stomach, Erysipelas, flcadache. Piles, Rheumatism, Eruptions and Skin Diseases, Liter Complaint, Dropsy, Tetter, Tumors and Salt Rheum, Worms, Gout, Xetr'algia, as a Dinner Pill, and for Purifying the Blood. They are sugar-coated, so that the moat Sensi tive can take them pleasantly, and they.ara th* best aperient in the world for all the purpo*s of a family physic. Prise 25 cents per Box; Five boxe* for SI.OO. Great numbers of Clergymen, Phr sicians, States men, and eminent personages, have lent their names to certify the unparalleled usefulness of these remedies, but our space here will not permit the insertion of them. The Agents below named fur nish gratis our AMERICAN ALMANAC in wiiichthey are given; with also full descriptions of the above complaints, and the treatment that should be fol lowed for their cure. Do not be put off by unprincipled dealers with other preparations they make more Profit on - Demand AYER'S, and take no others. The sick want the best aid there is for them, and they should have it. All our remedies are for sale by F. C. Bunnell JOHN M. DAGNALL, Box IS3 Post Office, Brooklyn *4*44 # Alt'! a**