DO YOU GET UP WITH A LAME BACK? Xttney TrtmMc Makes Tim Miserable. Almost everybody who the papers U sure to know of the wonderful cures by Dr. Kilmer's Swamp-Root, the mat kidney, liver and bladder remedy. It ia the freat medi cal triumph of the nine teenth century; dis covered after years of scientific research by Dr. Kilmer, the emi nent kidney and blad der specialist, and is wonderfully successful In promptly curing lame back, kidney, bladder, uric acid trou bles and Bright's Disease, which la the worst form of kidney trouble. Dr. Kilmer a Swamp-Root is not rec ommended for everything but if you have kid ney, liver or bladder trouble it will be found Just the remedy you need. It has been tested in so many ways, in hospital work, in private practice, among the helpless too poor to pur chase relief and has proved so successful in every case that a special arrangement has been made by which all readers of this paper who have not already tried it, may have a sample bottle sent free by mail, also a book telling more about Swamp-Root and how to find out if you have kidney or bladder trouble. When writing mention reading this generous offer in this paper and send your address to Dr. Kilmer&Co.,Bing hamton, N. Y. The regular tifty cent and Home of Swamp-Rooa, lollar sizes are sold by all good druggists. PENNSYLVANIA. KAILROAD. Suubury & Lewiatowu Division. In effect March 18, 1900. nMTWAan, P H AMI I STATION!.. II i v 1. KAsTWjkHU' AM P M 1120 '."ii 9 09 4. VI 9 04 4 41 8 9.1 4 IS 8 49 4 31 8 4.1i 4 28 sin its' 8 34 4 1H 8 M 4 07 8 2a 4 I'i 8 18 8 8.1 8 117 119 7 17 H 11 ; 7 .14 3 illi 7 49 8 311 7 43 S 2 4 T 8-1 8 1.1 I 7 33 8 13 f JO I to iii no anbury SI0 SsllnsafOVS Junction 10 1-V t !i ii-ki ove 10 4 I'uwliiig 10 IK Kreimier 10 2d Mclsrr Ui.il Mldcllrbilrg 10 its Benfrr 10 17 Heftvrrlown 10 b'2 AilniiiNliiirif I" M Kaillis Mills llrtl Mil lure 11 13 Wagrof lllli Bbindla 111 til I'niiiU'rville J l it Maltland n .w towistown 11 i)7 Levrtatnwii (Main Vtrret 11 40 Lewistown Junction. - 13 Jill 1128 2 31 2 81 2 40 Jl its ,00 .1117 :i is a 2 .12S (S8 sM :t4S .1 47 ISO Train leaves ttanbury 6 30 p m, ar rives at Selinsgrove 5 45 p m Leaves SaUnsgroven'iOOp, m., arrives at Sunbury t:5 p. in. Trains leave Lewtatown Junction : 4 12 ii m, 10 13 ii in, 1 10 p m,130p m 5 Mp m, 7 07p , 12 02 a in for Altoona, Pittsburg and the Wl. For Baltimore and wmhinxton aw im , 1 02. I : 4 33. 8 10 p m Kor Philadelphia unit New fork C .is, 80.1, 9 80a m. 1 M 1 33 4 88 and lilt p in Km Hiirrlsburg; 8 10 p ia Philadelphia & Erie R R Division ANIl NOUTHERN 1'ENTUAI. KA1LWAY WESTWARD. Train leavo S-'lll sgrovo Junction duly tor -.unbury and Weil , v IS a ni, 14 58 p m, p in. Sunday 9 25 a m, 9 43 p m. Trains leave Bunbnrjr dnllv evcept Sunday: 12 23 a m tor BufTilo.l ll a m for E le sod Can- aDdalgta 6 10 a m for BalUfbnte Erie and Oanandalgua 1 42 am for Look Haven, Tyrone and the Wmt. 12 48 for Buffalo, 1 10 p in tor Hellefonta Kane rvrmie and CanaDdaiuua 5 45 p in lor kenovo and Klmlra -i in p m lor WllllamHPoit - unlay 12 23 a oi for buffalo via Emporium, l 21 a m (or Erie, 5 to a in lor trig and Canan .lulKua 8 43 p in for W. J 42 a m for Look Haven and llainipofi Warn, 915 a m 2 00 and 5 48pm tor WllSes barfl and Hazelton 1 ID a in. 10 10 am, 2 nil p in. 5 41 p in btr Shaino kliiiind Mount tlariucl Sunday 9 5.1 a m lor Wllkn-harre EASTWAKD. Trains leave Sellnsgrove Junction III iv; a m, dally arriving at Hlill luolphlu UTpm Now York 5 53 p in Baltimore 3 11 p ui ! Washington 4 18 pin 534 p in daily arriving at Philadelphia .0 20 p in New York 8 53 a in, Baliluiora 9 48 p m Washington 10 58 p in S42p ui, nulls arriving at Philadelphia i I 25a in, New York "18 a in. Haiti more 2 30 a in Washington I 05 a ii. Tra'ns also leave Sunbury : 2 4.1 a in dally arriving at I'lilladefdhla 8 5V a ui , Hiilttiuore 7 30 a in Wa.-l.-.. gton Nllt) am New 1 York 9 33 a m Weekdays. 10 :i8 a m Sundays, 3 10 am dally arriving nt Philadelphia 7 22 in, New York 38 a m, 10 38 Sundays Baltl mcie 7 20 a in, Washlnirion ISO a in. U.iltliuore , II i p Dli Washington 1 16 P m. 155 p in, week days arriving at Philadelphia ' in p in. New York 9 30 p in, Baltimore 8 on p in i Washington 7 18 p m i ll p m dally, arriving nr Philadelphia 7 32 p m New York 10 23 p m, Baltimore 7 33 p m, Wash- i luton s xi p m Trains also leave Sunbury at 9 50 a ui and 5 2.1 1 'ni8 31pm, lor HarrmuurK, Philadelphia ami Hal tl more . K. Will 111, (WI Pass Ag-eut J. 11. UOTUHTNaOH. tlen'l Manairer. CHICHESTER'S ENGLISH PENNYROYAL PILLS "ore. Alwara reliable. Ladles, ask lruclst r.n 'HI III V! t li N KM.IIMI In Krd and tola in. i., in. bones, sealed with blue ribbon. I :il." no other. KrAle tlnnicvroua sllbatl tuiiononutl Iniilniluno. Ilnvcifyourlirugglst, or mmiiI lc. In stamps for Pari'lrulara. Trail "illllla and It.-1 I. I Tor l.nrtlrs." In tettrr, all 'turn Hall. lO.OOO Ti Mllnulllals. bold by uniawsaa, CHIOHBBTER CHEMICAL CO. 8100 Madlaoa Square. PIIILA., PA. Mention this paper A Monthly Journal VUNTER-TRADER-RAPPER telle art about hunting, trnpnlni; nnd Rnw Kur Trading. Published by an old ex. perienced hunter, trap per and trader. Sam ple copy, Seta. Only So cents a year. Address, A. K. Harding, Publish er, Gallipolia, Ohio. O. U OWENS, ATTORNEY-AT-LAW. 0l Spbciautt: TYBONE, PA. Collections an i Reports. Keteroncea, First National Bank. Nearby Towns Represented : Bellweod, Altoona. Uolll liysburv, Huntingdon and Bellefonte. 8-a-lyr Dr.Feoner's ( if 8ur,W.unJ,HlM Utiift mLmi,-nJarlle nutAooll HllilMlHlM fUldt-M-UM. ...... m tuvu wncmv in all c INT tv ml aiita, .... w one to unity minutes. p mall We rrelajl r. The Horror of Three Sandals. Ov C.rles Fleming Embree. THE old sluggish monster of revolu tion, long since di'iigtd to sleep, aome think to dealh, vat sometimes atira. Its inoveuients are dreain-niove-rnents, its snuke-llke convolutions are harmless. It is merely the haait ol the dead pn.st, when Dias was not yet Power, which causes the beast to heave its lethargic sigh and epen up, from time to time, a red orb devoid of meaning. Up over the Cuemaraca railroad comes now the military detachment lately sent into Guerro. The little compnny eats dinner by the Cuerna vaca Ntution. Five lank soldiers in sandals ait at a distance on the ground: nnd, whereas all the others nrc gay, t lir.sc Ave sit depressed with gloom, recalling a strange thing. The heart of (iuerrero, state of golden miracles, is not yet opened to t lie world. Mountains and mysteries shut it away from modern life. Away Sown south, two hundred miles from the railroad, is th town of Three Sandals. Into it came, five years ago, an American named Btlrge, Be bought a mine and worked it all alone, and they said he stacked up gold in an Bdobe hottae as high as the roof. He was lull, with silken lieard, feline grace, mild, deep, unreal eyes. Gold tinned his head) gold made hia house an empire. Three Sandals the center of the universe. He dreamed of sever ing this southern land from klaxioO, and Insane idas of a monarchy oame to him. The chief of police was fat ami flaliliy, ami often full of imlque. He lived In a large house on the plaza by the palms. llin sister was a beauty, aged nineteen, named otilin. "Otilia, I call you a failure, " com plained the chief, drinking three iiait.s of pulque In the patio, while Klie lounged lanquid under those enor mous yellow flowers called "oups-of-goldV' "Manjarrec killed himself for you. Kliua slew Negrete for you: OlivaVM robbed the hueieudu to buy you a ruby, nnd was shot. The gov ernor ni ChilpunolngO made n fool of himself for you. Hah! whnt good is nil this if you can not iiiid out the revolutionary schemes of that cursed American, nnd snvo my reputation. 1 want, to kill him. and, alns!" with u comic shrug, spilling pulque "there is no way." "Hang him by his sweet, so't heard, Tepc, my love," said she, with p. ::iile. "But! the shadow of an excuse! 1 know he plots, but never n finger can I lay on him. Make him fall in love with you, witch; worm it out of him. Our reputation is at stake." She dreamed, lying there graceful, beautiful, mischief in her languid eye. "I will," she said, and plucked a imp-of-gold, and buried her flushed face therein. She was shrewd. She wns not of tithe dashing type. She wns leisurely reserved. She had watched Btlrge for months. She knew him slightly: she had smiled nt him. lata her deep thinking came the knowledge that there was something of the mystic in his nature, that mystery might win him where other means would fail. Every evening at six she vrapped herself in a black rcbo.o so that eyes glowing and portions of a face arti ficially pale were seen beneath lus trous hair. Then, solemn, sud, a mov ing statue, she Walked to and fro, to und fro, before the American's house. When he stood in the door stroking his silken beard nnd gazed on her, she nodded slowly, us though unseeing, and sighed a heavy sigh. At dusk, having walked to and fro for an hour, she sighed more heavily still and went, away. After one week of this mystery, the form of Otilin began to haunt him. She wns very beautiful, said he. There l were lurking in her eyes vast dreums, i restlessness, towering ambitions ah! (like his own, like his own. He tossed in the night, somehow drawn to her. After all, wns it good to be lonely? With such n mote to what grand heights ntight any man not sour! So from seeing her by chance, he came to watch for her, and when she passed his hand was froen on liiv beard, or burned with lire thut ran in all of his blood. Meanwhile a plan to over throw the town's authorities, to gather iren, to march on Chilpancin go, took form. Two Officers nearest the person of the chief were Slirgc's fellow-plotters. On the eighth evening of this mov ing to and fro, wrapped in mystery, she let her reboso wave a little Wider open. He was devouring her with his eyes. He was like a god, strong and full of grace. Her sweet lips were pinkish; her neck was white. She sighed, but she looked on him with quick flames bursting from her eyes. The street was lonely. He stepped out and hived his long slim lingers on her arm. She paused, und they gazed at one another. "Otilia, some dread thing haunts you." "Yes, senor." Her eyes were down. "Otilin, n great weight is on you. I nm one used to speaking out. When God puts fire into a mini's heart, the man should never hide it, lest it burn him. Otiliu, I seem to see myself in your eyes. Heart of my heart, I love you." She, exceedingly white, raised her eyes just enough to see his chin; and with a startling mixture of mischief and emotional upheaving, she remem bered her words: "Hang him by his sweet, soft beard, Pepe." lie kissed her as the dusk eames. She went home, bewildered to find tha her eyes seemed blind. When she put her reboco to them it came away wet. She walked statelily, looking at all the lew, barred wintrwm. She entered her brother's patio and sat down un der the great cups-of-gold. At supper 1 ine could not eat. In bed she could ' not sleep. In the night hec little bare i feet went softly up ami down the ' room, in the ruorniug she was afraid )f herself, something within her heart seared her so. The love passage thus legnn, ami Otilia, in winning him, had loaf her self. Ah. his god-like form, his for eign strength, his whiteness! She loved him The same old difference Between so many loves characterised these. The nun's vast schemes were mightier than his love. The woman's (a waa mightier than all else. At the edge of the owu wns a de serted alameda full of mango-trees. Here were aged stone benches seldom uesd. Here the shade was like duak at noon, like midnight at dusk. Here they met evening after evening, she falling punting Into his arms, he gaz ing at her scarcely seen face with hungry eyea. "You are incarnate truth," he said. lllood flew to her face; her brain eemed drown. "Yet 1 wns false." "What bad jest is this'.'" She lay trembling. Bomenow a fenr i entered him. "Speak!" he cried, almost letting ' her from him. "I plotted against yen." "How- it is a lie! " "Oh, my soul's soul! I set about to I win you, instigated by mv brother. I that 1 might learn your plan of rev J olution, mid conquer you nnd bring I you to death. Crush me if you must ! thus have lost myself ibus have yon overthrown me!" He let her fall on the old stonf bench. The shade of the mango trees was deep. He stood a little way off, tall and still, and looked at her. .lust ! here the revulsion came; for gold hud .made him insane with dreams. Ills love wns second to his plot. Mistrust sank deep in him. He fell himself be trayed. Cold drops wer i bis fore head. He had walked as in a deep gold mist. He gazed on this girl. She was Incarnate treason; li ia love for her hnd turned to fear. Wounded, ignoble, but grand with ! rnge, he turned, and she was left j llone, After that he smiled at her no more, nor looked nt her. He dared not i lice; that were confession nnd meant j death. He dared not prolong delay. She had groped her way home from the mango-grove. Though sho wus iweet nnd leisurly and shrewd, she hnd in her that fuel which, touched with lire, burns on to vengeance. Hut she Waa sad; mid it seemed some second ! self mercilessly drove her on to the revenge which her better nature did not want. She wept, nnd grew thin in three duys miraculously. Sometimes she joked with herself even yet, in manner ghastly. "Hang him by his sweet, soft beard," murmered she in 'bud night dreams; and ahe saw his head, in visons, hung thim, horrible. j The first night of their estrange ment, the fat, pulque-drinking chief found letters at the home of one of his subordinates. They Incriminated the subordinate, who wus nrrested and put in the little adobe jnil ncross the plnza. The chief strove in vain to find ' one word of those epistles which ! might give ground for the nrrest of Stirge. But the American's' tracks were yet covered. The chief shed maudlin tears of exasperation. The third night Otilia came knock ing nt his door nt ten o'clock. She was admitted; the chief sitting in a gown on his bed's edge. "This subordinate, the nrrested one," said she, steady-voiced, "when is he to be shot?" "At sunrise. T nm writing the or der for the soldiers who will arrive to-night. Oh, you failure!" "Come, keep these railings for an other. Give me the order but leave the name a blank." Her manner was cold, stern, and she wns pale und sick. "Why?" he growled. She put one hand on the foot board and leaned close to him. "I may do that which your secret oul longs for," whispered she. "Do I not know that it. is his gold that you wnnt? Think! They say it is stacked to the roof." "Hut I should be called to account for a baseless execution, you fool!" "I have a fading ink. I write the name und show it to the captain, lie executes 1 he order. The ink fades. You substitute the rightful name, and on the ciipf.nin lies the blame." He fell back in bed with a choking noise. "It's on the table," he said, weakly. She brought him the blank. He filled it out nil save the name. She left him staring stupidly ut her, and pres ently heard him call for three more quarts of pulque. Otilia wus not so villainous on she seemed. She wus tottering. She had scarce an idea that, she should exe cute so dreadful a plan. It wiih the warring between those two differing selves of hers that drove her on to make these preparations. In these ugly hours, too, wns the playfulness yet alive In her. She thought that to threaten him, in play, with this ghastly thing would be sweet mis chief's wny to win him bnck. If ho would but smile nt her once more! And deep in her other self snid: "Kill!" She could not rest. She wrapped herself in her black rebozo find went out. She walked by the jail nnd paused and scanned it. The plaza ores dark and the palms rustled. She went down a street and sodly walked to und fro before the American's house, recalling the day he kissed her aa the dusk came. At times hate roved In her. Memory drew her at length to the alameda, nnd beyond it. Under these trees had she rested in his arms. Beyond, where the fields were rocky yonder in that lonely pot beside the gorge-was the tall iron post to which aim inula were stained to be shot. Out of the ro-oTOve, out of tha days of love, she J night lead him here to this iron post -and her lingers held the paptr of lenth. The uight waa very black. Suddenly ahe heard a crying out. (Yonien and men were shouting back there by the town. She walked in hat direction. The ah on ting waa in :reased, and there was u acurryiag ibout near two thutched huts. "The anta! The warrior ants," waa .he shout. She came nearer to a hut. Men in tandals went leaping with torches. There was a strange crackling in the thatches. Hehold! the ground was slack with marching millions. Scor oions, lizards, aplders ran terror itricken from that army. The thatches acre being pierced by thousands of j n seen marauders. Human beings, leizing all things of vnlue, fled crying nto the night. , These anta march in terrible bat :nlions. There is no way known to nan to stop them. They have their .lflicers. They Select a goal. On they tome, and all things flee before. A .louse is overrun. Every living thing. it piece of food, vanishes. All other naccta are devoured. Men must absent llremaelvei till the unts depart. Re turning, nil Is bare. The army has Mnquered, devastated, passed OS. Fascinated, she stood with some landaled laborers, who, on the out skirts of this scene of ruin, watched it by torchlight. "Where will they go next ?" cried one. "Yonder, yonder, in that direction, iee! The vanguard is nlrcady advanci ng thither!" She beheld the leading battalion forming in fours, and heading away cross the barren field. She looked Up, A strange chill ran over her. Thai ronpoat, yonder by the gorge stood m their truck. At midnight she passed Stifle's house, and he was going In. Hie door ivus open und n faint light shone on hitn. She paused, where he saw her. She looked at hitn. with her Foul in her eyes, nnd he spurned her. Her !'nd self flamed up. She run away, wild with hate, she stood u moment under the pnlms, nnd there a diabolic purpose came to her. It hud long been it custom In this listrict to lead the culprit out very rarly in the morning, Chained in iarkneai to the post, he was con fronted by n priest. The black hours dragged on, giving tl rimlnnl that most solemn season for repentance. Kive soldiers nnd an officer were stu tioned near. When dawn came, and they could clenrly see, they tired. At eleven o'clock a detachment of loldiera hnd arrived. About one, Otilia rnme to the door of the decrepit bar racks, The captain had orders to obey the chief of police. She came to him nnd snid: "My brother is ill. His servants lire sitting with him. So he sent me with this order." She disappeared. The captain rend the command for the immediate exe cution of ono Btlrge, American, A little later the unfortunate Anglo Saxon schemer was seized in bed. They put on him clothes somewhat Eimilur to those worn by runners In , uthletic contests, so that he was nenr I ly naked. In the night they led him j out and on through the black mango : grove. In that stony field by the gorge they chained him to a post. A priest came, was received with haughty contempt, and went away. Silence, darkness, weird waiting for 1 1 he dawn. The gold-maddened dream er was a stoic. He was as iron as the ' post und chain, Out of the night shall ows n ghost-Voice called from yonder in the rocks: j "I can free you. 1 can yet free you. Tell me Once more you love me, and life is yours." He did not answer, The soldiers be lieved her cra.y, or thought that et. I Mary had come down. "It is 1 who brought you here. Give 'me your heart, and it is I who shall lake you away. The uiglit wns yet black, lie did not answer. Whnt stoic, beyond man's dreams of stoicism, was that, man of Anglo-Saxon blood! Ay, Indians can endure. Savages can suffer and emit no sound. But of all God's creatures there is none so strong as the Ameri can steeled to bear. There was wild war in her. She hud meant to torment him. She had not meant that he be shot. She could never consent to kill, her better self wns t00 timid. But his spurning hnd crazed her. At dawn, she; thought, sinking down on the. rocks, she would confess the substituted name, release him. Hut the second self joyed in tor ture. The dawn came. Yes, the chained man's face begun to show n little, white, out of the shadow. The cap tain formed hiH five men and bade then be ready. So, the day thus slow ly c uning, they stood wailing till they BOtiid see; and he stood yonder, his arms chained high up on the post. The minutes Went by. The scene was wild and rocky. The cast began to faintly glow. Strange strange. As he nppeared yet a little clearer how still he stood how white. Merci ful hand of Mary! is thut hanging creature there a human being? "Aim!" commanded the captain. The guns were raised. "A minute more und it will be light enough to sec." They waited. The light came rapid ly. Beholdl Suddenly the culprit seemed to start fully from the shad ows. A second more and they would fire. The guns fell. The men staggered, Horror chilled them. The fure that looked on them waa the face of a skull. The body that hung there by tha chain was a clean, white skeleton. So .terrible Is the devastation of the warrior ant. Bo perfect ia tbe labor of millions. Stumbling away they found Otilia swooning on the rocks. Sun Francis co Argonaut. RIDER We R9 HflT nvi liberal a rella' ine quality 01 able person a bicycle Write CYCLE am i i tew we want m I Jsf "change for r MEAD 'TV.Myla mm JTTmmKB wj. l 'i7 i an IblsI t n ;:2 s niinii siBSctict ,,i'ti'-.- T.TfJSTI PURE WHISKEY DIRECT FROM DISTILLER TO CONSUMhR. Four Full Quarts 3.20 Express Prepaid. 20 I iaivi Dtnlers' Profits, rrtvtnti AJulttrjtwns. OUR OFFER ! We Mill send four lull quart bottles of Harrier's1 7 lrar-ll d Ooub e l onnrr nlalill! IT.. I 3 In eiprrss prepaid, shipped in piain par sage marks to indicate ton tenia. II not sal i star tor svhea received, return i at our ripense: tte will return your U.20. Such Whiskey can't tfha thru here for less than . ItKFFilHNrKS: Thlr.l Nst'l llsnk,nTlnn; Milt. nai l nun k , ti . i, ..ii ik i or any or uii' l-.x. l u'n THE HAYNER DISTILLING CO., 226-232 West Fifth St.. Dnvton. Ohio. 309-311 So. Seventh St., St. Louis, Mo. We guarantee uhevn ttrm will do as It agrees. Ed DR. 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Address Royal Medicine Co., SSHlfr r ir nalu in MiiltitebunU, I'tt., 0i M WDLEB UR GH DRbG CO. 4 H I Bast Cough Syrua, f sales Uoud. Vm in tins, s.iid rtj druggists. fuAYNFL-rt! 1 Mini llkll V 5 1 ) m $ t'cBEBQ I HAYNEtft .1 B mm f aim m mmt m av AGENTS WANTED in each town to ride and exhibit a sample 1901 model 1 bicycle of our manufacture. YOU CAN MAKE 910 TO . SCO A WEEK besides having a wheel to ride for yoarsel4 ' 301 Models SSSSSfCta $16 500 Stconi Hani! tYhaettea . o takes ia trade by oar Chicago retail sti its, j psj Ed PO many goad aa new snip any bicycle ON APPROVAL to anyone without a cent tl posit in advance and allow i A nave CDcr. vnci You tak IV UHIO mU ininbe absolutely no risk in ordering from us, as you do not ucetl to pay a cent if the bicycle docs not suit you. Dllw " instil ) written fir out DUI mchhy I'm-, is inn iini hffh. offer bas never been cuuulal ami is a i i. uautce oB our wneeis. ia each town In itistrihutr c.it.iloi;iirs for us in. today for free calulotiuc ami cnt special offer. C0.,D'pj. 1 J.Chicago. u w a 4'Ji ii 1 11 h m VsffiTnwf mlH 9 li I J ti WINDSOR HOUSE w. li r.i ri. I. it. lrrlelor 418 Markc' St., liarrisburg, Pn. (OpiHisite I', It, l( I i it Kntrniiatl Svl'nlleil lr li I'riiliiuav Rooms, 2S nnd 50c. (iood Meals, 25c tl. 110 In I. (I mi in .1.00 per week. lined, Ii. .il. tf The Voice r Rxperleneo, "I tliinU." nid the denr (rlrl, "that it. U n puini mi,, to tliinU twice before speaking'." "Yes," snid i he savage bachelor, "I've had a dosen married men tell me t lie same thing." Tlt-llitS. Tliej Always Look l(, niggs -There goes Stonyfellow, the multimillionaire. He's a self-made mini. Mrs. Illggs Well, anyone could see st ;t glai thai he lsn'1 tailor-made. Chicago Daily .News. Kr netter. Minister (reading wedding service) --And, you, linns, take tliis woman for better, for nurse? Huns Frankfurter (conscientiously) For better, sir! hhe haf $-101 n-iit Battings! Ilrooklyu Kngle. Itensan fop Foliar, Nelili How .lues it o.niie Snnppem, the photographer, failed in his profes sion ? N'ohli necaune his pictures looked like the subjects. Ohio Slate Journal. in- Principal Duty. Merchnnl (to new boy) -Mas the bookkeeper told you whnt to do In the afternoon? Youth i-s sir: I nm to wake him up when I sec you coming, Tit-Hits. i DcHnltlnn, pa, what's connub-connublal S.-iv, bli "Who told ye tlint?" " Tis ill the 1 (." "'Trow the book away." Judge, ery Rxcltl nST, lie That must be n very Interest Ing book you are reading. She -Oh, it's awfully excitingl The heroine changes her gown six times in the first chapter." Tit-Bits, Npttnral tlacstlon. Ostend Paw, are witches married? Paw I guess not, my sun. Ostend Then what tire they always doing with broomsticks? Chicago Daily News, smiill Wonder, Pllmmer -What have von? Flammer Pour ncea, And yon? Pllmmer - Hear! failure. flhio State Journal. i the niiinier llotel, "She has a good voice, but she doesn't seem to be nble to control it." "No; she snips whenever any. me asks her."-- Smart Set. Another Opportunity, A Certain Man, having read some where that Opportunity knocks only onoe nt each one's Dour, concluded to Bit Up all Nighl fur fear he would Miss the Call. So while he was Sitting near his Door there came B heuvy knock thereon. When he opened the Door a Stran ger seized him and Beat him all up nnd Took his Money and Garments and Chided him fur being so Easy. "Dut," said the Man, thinking to excuse himself, "I thought it was Op portunity who knocked." "So it was," responded the Other, "hut it was my Opportunity." Moral: It is Itetter to Curry your Opportunity with you. Baltimore American.