Sullivan republican. (Laporte, Pa.) 1883-1896, April 26, 1895, Image 1
SULLIVAN REPUBLICAN. W. M. CHENEY. Publisher. VOL. XIII. The Czar of Russia tells his subjects that he is an autocrat, as his father ■was, and means to remain so. M. Andre, a European aeronaut, thinks he could get to the North Pole in i balloon at an expenditure of übout 835,000. He is still looking for a millionaire to blow him off. The Now York World announces that a prize of 8100,000 is offered by this Government for the best air-ship for passenger and freight traffic. In ventors have until 1900 to perfect their plans. A movement is on foot in England to celebrate the sixth centenary of the British Parliament, which will be rounded out this summer. It was in 1295 that Parliament first assembled on tho basis from which has grown the form of tho present assembly. The statistical fiend has been figur ing out the cost of the chain letter business asking for stamps. He esti mates that if the letter reached its fiftieth number and brought back ten stamps for each letter written it would take 101,372,794,958,094,779 cars to carry the stamps. The examples of New York and Ohio in founding colonies for epileptics is about to bo followed by Illinois, an nounces Harper's Weekly. Tho medi cal societies of that Stato and of the city of Chicago are moving in the matter, and have submitted a bill for the purpose to the State Legislature. The Atlanta Constitution announces thai "Bishop Potter, of New York, practically endorses the plan suggest ed by Rev. Mr. Rainsford, some years ago, of having saloon attachments to the churches. In this way good drinke-may be obtained by the thirsty, and the desire for company be grati fied." Twenty years ago the persons of tho Emperor and Empress of Japan were sacred; they were seen by none save high court officials, and even to these the Emperor's face must bo veiled. Tho Empress now visits the free hos pital of Tokio, and talkci -or gives presents to the patients as freely as in any Western land. J. Boss writes in the Engineering and Mining Journal that sinoe the diamond discoveries in South Africa the Brazilian diamond-mining indus try has fallen so low that the annual output is now not over SI 50,000, when thirty years ago it was upward of S2,> 500,000. Brazilian diamonds are so much smaller than the African that it does not pay to mine them against African competition. Tho political and financial pro gramme of tho Bussian Government for this year is of a comprehensive character. It includes the improve ment of publio credit, the extension L>f roads and communications, the de velopment of commerce and agricul ture and the promotion of the export of Bussian manufactures. A special tax is proposed on all merchandise entering the port of St. Petersburg. There were issued during the year 1894 20,803 patonts. The inventive Yankee is not losing his grip, the New fork Mail and Express makes appar ent. In proportion to population more pate nts were issued to citizens of Connecticut than to those of any other State. Massachusetts ranks next. Rhode Island is third, New Jersey fourth and New York seventh. Mon tana and Colorado are fifth and eighth respectively. Kleptomania is the polite term for common stealing when the thief has money or social position, remarks the San Franoisco Chronicle. The latest instance of this vice of the period comes from Paris, where a rich old collector of curios looted the Louvre and stole many valuable arc relics. If these kloptomanics were treated like ordinary thieves we should hear of them less frequently. Because a man has no itcontive to thsft except cupidity is sufficient reason why he should be more severely punished than one who steals from necessity. -\VLs>i the New York Mail and Ex press esteems an excellent scheme for an international postage stamp is shortly to be submitted to tho varinus Governments of Europe by tho Ger man authorities. The exceeding in convenience now existiug in the case of those who wish to inclose stamps for reply in a letter addressed to a foreign country will be wiped out,and a stamp bearing the names of all the countries in which its value as postage is recognized, together witti a table giving its value iu the coin of each of these countries, will become uuiveisal it the scheme is adopted. GRANDMA. LAND. There's a wonderful country far away, And its name is Grandma Land; Tis a beautiful, glorious, witching place With grandmas on every hand. Everywhere you may look or go, Everywhere that the breezes blow, Just grandmammas! Just grandmammas! In this wonderful oountry far away Where grandmammas abide. In this beautiful, witching Grandma Land The good things wait on every side Jam and jelly cake heaped in piles; Tarts and candy 'round for miles; Just good things here! Just good things there! In this wonderful country far, afar, Where blow the candy breezes. In this beautiful, glorious pudding land Each child does just as he pleases. All through the night, all through the day, Evory single child has his way, Each his own way! Just as lie pleases! In this wonderful country far away.. In this gorgeous grandma clime— When tired children can oat no more, There are stories of "Once on a Time." Stories are told and songs aro sung, Of when the grandmammas were young— "Once on a Time!" "Well, Let lie See!" To this wonderful country far, afar, Where only good things stay, To this beautiful, glorious GrundinaLand Good children ouly find the way, But when they sleep and when they dream Away they float on the gilding stream To Grandma Land! To Grandma Land! —Harper's Young Toople. A NEIGHBORLY FEUD. C - p'LL tell you, Frank, it's got to the point y where something nmst be done," said Mrs. Burnett, and as she spoke she rapped at the small knuckles that were moving to ~ • bowl. Morton,aged nine, jerked his hand out of the way and Juughed at his mother, who pursed up her lips to conceal a smile. "Don't do that, Morton," said Mr. Burnett. Then turning to his wife he asked: "What have they been do in' now?" "That boy and some more of his crowd put tin cans along the top of the fence and then threw at them to knock them off. About every other stone went over tho top of the fenco and went sailin' across our back yard. If one of them had struck anybody he wouldn't have known what hurt him." "What did you do?" "What did I do? I went out and told them if they didn't stop I'd send for a policeman. I said to that Dea kin boy : 'lt's a shame your mother can't teach you to be a little better than a savage.' " "Maybe she didn't know they were doin' it." "I do believe she puts 'em up to it. That boy's euough to try the patience of a saiut." "Next time he comes into onr yard I'll bet I throw something at him," putin Morton, whose chin was drip ping with a mild mixture of milk and coffee. "You leave him alone," said the male parent. "You get into enough fights already." "Well, Frank, those boys aro for ever picking onto him," said Mrs. Burnett. "Boys are a good deal alike," re sponded her husband. "I'll bet when he gets out he's the same as the rest of them." Morton grinned and said nothing. The only member of the Burnett family who had not joined in the ar raignment of the neighbors was Alice, six years of age. She knew all about the feud and shared in the suspicions of her mother, but at present she wus too busy with supper. The Deakins lived next door, and although there was a dividing fence it had not kept the two families apart. In the year during which the two households had dwelt side by side there had been a growing enmity. Yet Mrs. Burnett had never spoken a word to Mrs. Deakin, and her husband knew nothing of Mr. Deakin except that he worked with his hands for a living and spent a great many of his evenings at home. It would have been rather difficult for either the Burnetts or the Deakins to explain how the feud started, but it was operated from the start through the children. There were two Deakin ohildrou, Lawrence, or Larry, aged ten, and little Willie, who, at the tender ago of three, had learned to regard the Burnett tribe with scorn and hatred and suffer, to some degree, under the indignities heapod upon his family by that arch fiend of juvenility, Morton Burnett. For when the Deakins sat around the supper table and cast up the ac counts of the day it was Larry who posed as the persecuted and abused child, while Morton Burnett was pic tured as an infant of dark intents, headed straight for the Bridewell. "If I was a man, Tom Deakin," said the wife, "I'll warrant you I'd go over to that house and give notice that things are simply going too fur. To-day that boy got up on the fonee and called Lawrence all kinds of uames." "He said that his mother said that ma didn't have clothes fit to wear," suggested Lawrence, who had begnu to breath.i hard during the recital of his grievances. "Anyway, I don't try to make my self look like a peacock every time I •tart to church," said Mrs. Deakin. This comparison of Mrs. Burnett tiokled the children, and they laughed immoderately. Tom Deakin restrained | them .with a quiet "Tilt, tut," and I atid that tb*i Lirouer way to get along LAPORTE, PA., FRIDAY, APRIL 26. 1895. was to pay no attention to the neigh bora. "I'd like to know how yon can it," said his wife. "That boy is up to some mischief every hour of the day, and his mother seems to encourage him in everything he does. He throws things over into our yard, teases Willie and makes faces at me." "Next time I see him pick on Willio I'll give him another licking," (suggest ed Larry. "You'll do nothing of the kind," exclaimed his mother. "Don't you remember the talking to I gave you the other time you had that fight with him?" Lawrence ) emembered the mild re buke, and his inward resolution was not changed. Tom Deakin went for his pipe, oppressed with the thought that he had been very unlucky in his selection of neighbors. These complaints had come to him day after day from the downtrodden members of his family. The feud had grown from a thousand aggravating circumstances. Suppose Morton Burnett to be on the fence. His mother would open the back door and say loud enough to make herself heard through the open windows of the Deakin house : "Morty, get down from that fence! Haven't I told you about that?" Mrs. Deakin would hear and under stand. Then she would wait her op portunity to appear on the back stoop and retaliate. In summer time, when both women were out of doors much of the time, they occasionally exchanged glances which were more significant than any thing they could have said. When Mrs. Burnett put out her washing she knew that Mrs. Deakiu was watching her and counting the number of pillow slips and table cloths. When Mrs. Burnett came to the back door and called out, "Come, Alice, dear, and practice your music lesson," it was equivalent to saying to Mrs. Deakin: "Aha, we have a cot tage organ in our house, but you haven't any in yours." Mrs. Deakin had frequently in formed Tom that the Burnett organ was a cheap, second-hand thing. One day, when Mrs. Deakin came home from a funeral in a covered car riage, there was consternation in the Burnett family, and accounts were not fairly balanced until the new coat of paint was put on the Burnett house. The Deakin children told the Bur- j nett children all that their mother had j uaid about the probable character of | Mrs. Burnett. Likewise the Burnett i children repeated to the Deakin chil- j dren all that they heard a t the supper j table. Mrs. Burnett knew that she was being reported to Mrs. Deakin, : and Mrs. Deakin felt it to be her duty ! to learn what the viperish thing liad been saying. Frank Burnett and Tom j Deitkin became convinced each that j the other's family was probably more ! to blame over the fence, clothes-line : and garbage-box issues. Allie Burnett started to ran across the street one day in front of a deliv ery wagon. She fell, scrambled to her feet again and a horse's knee struck her in the back again. She fell on the block pavement and lay quiet. Mrs. Deakin saw it all from her i front window. She ran into the street ; and gathered the muddy child in her arms. The frightened driver had left his wagon, and he followed her timid ly to the front door of the Burnett house. Mrs. Burnett screamed and thou began to cry. "Run for a doctor, you loony," j said Mrs. Deakin to the driver as she , placed the limp little body on a bed ; and then ran for cold water and cloths. , When the girl opened her eyes she ; found her mother on one side, Mrs. j Deakin on the other, while a reassur- ! iug physician smiled at her over the footboard. "She's a little jolted up and bumped her head when she fell, but it was mostly shock," he said. "Law me!" gasped Mrs. Deakin, "when I saw that child fall my heart just went into my throat. Don't cry, Allie, you ain't a bit hurt. The doc tor says I can put some more poultioe on your bad old bump." "I'll get it," said Mrs. Burnett. "No, you sit still. You are as pale as a ghost." That is how it happened that Frank Burnett, coming home from the works by the baok way, found in his kitchen the hated vixen, the trainer of crim inals, the woman without character— Mrs. Deakin. She told .him what had happened and begged him not to frighten his wife, as there wasn't any real dan ger. Mr. Deakin was likewise surprised upon arriving home. Supper was not ready and his wife had gone over to the enemy. He went after and was taken in. Mrs. Deakin told him she couldn't come home because Mrs. Burnett was all upiet, and some one would have to take care of the child. So Mr. Deakin nud his two boy's ate aoold lunch with Mr. Burnett and his boy. Mr. Burnett sent Morton ont to get two cigars, and while the women i sat by the bed in the front | room the men sat in the back room | ami smoked, while the three boys, j awed by the revolution, kept very ijuiet. "If Morton ever bothers you, Mr. : Deakin," Eaid Mr. Burnett, "you just let me know, and I'll tend to him." "1 was just going to say to you that Larry's apt to be too gay now and then, and if I ever hear of him pick iug on your children I'll make him remember it" ! In the front room Mrs. Burnett was i tbankiug Mrs. Deakin, who was hop | ing that her children had never both ! ored Mrs. Burnett very maoh. The I little girl weut to sleop and the Dettk i in family weut home. That was the end of the fend. In each household there was a general order that in case of neighborhood riot punishment shonld be visited npon those nearest at h»nd. Those two houses, side by side, be came the peace centre of the west di visioo. Tho Deakiu children were at liberty tc go oyer and thump on the Burnett's cottage organ. But who ended the feud—the men, tho women or the six-year-old? Ch icago Record. The Age ol Trees. Much speculation has been in dulged iu as to the length of time duriug which trees of particular kinds may livo; but anything like an abso lutely accurate estimate is obviously impossible. Approximation to exact knowledge is all that can be obtained. Such an approximation, however, is interesting, and here it is. The cedar has been known to live 2000 years, the cypress 800, the elm 300, the ivy 335, the lareh 575, tho lime 1100, the maple 510, the oak 1500, the olive 800, the oiange 630, the spruce 1200, the walnut 900 and the yew 3200. It is not unreasonable to suppose that some of tbe giants of the Yosemito Valley are older than any cf those given, their yeors being almost, if not quite, equal to thoso of tho perio I since the flood, according to common chronology. The existing cellars of Lebanon are supposed to bo contem poraneous of those cut down by Solo mon for the building of tho Temple. Doubless there are trees to be seen in every primeval forost as old as the Christian era, and some, perhaps, that antedate tho Pyramids of Egpyt. While we look with undisguised awe and wonder upon the ancient monu ments of civilization, we fail to real ize that we may have almost every ilay within our view, in tho shape of an aged oak or towering pine, a yet living and vigorous witness of tho far-off morning of the world.—New York Ledger. To Preserve the Hair. "What'll von hove on your hair, sir?" interrogated a barber to the man in the chair. "Nothing at all? Not even water? Well, do you know that you are one man in titty? The other forty-nine want a decoction of some sort to make their hair lay smoothly and shine nicely. To tell the truth, though," ho continued, iu a confiden tial tone, "it would be a great deol better for their hair if they also per sisted iu having their locks combed dry. Nature has placed a little oil sac at the root of each hair, the duty of which is to supply the hair with natural oil, and make it smooth and supple. The use of water, bay rum, oil aud other hair dressings takes tho place of this natural oil, and the sacs soon wither from disuse. And so, unless the use of dressings is con tinued, the hair is liable to grow hard and stiff. I would advise every one to discontinue the uso ot all hair dress ing, and have the hair combed dry. About three'weeks of dry brushing will reopen the oil sacs, and there after the natural oil will do the work thoroughly. No, sir, I wouldn't ad vise any one to wet tho hair in comb ing it. Bad practice. Next."—Now York Advertiser. Detective Ability. A gome what ghastly but quite suc cessful bit of elucidation is credited to M. Bertillon, the anthropouietrist. On his back, in bed, a man was iouud the other morning, shot dead through the mouth. The revolver was still in his hand. There were doubts, how ever, whether it was a ease of suicide, after all. For one thing, deceased had never been known to possess a re volver. Of course, he might have bought one for the occasion. It was advisable to try to ascertain this, and it was M. Bertillon who hit upon the way. He had the corpse taken out of bed, dressed it himself in deceased's clothes, and sot it in deceased's cus tomary attitude in his usual chair. The coiffure was as it used to be, and the hue of life was brought back to tbe face as nearly as stage paints could make it. Then tbe revival was photo graphed, and the photograph was sent to every gunsmith in Paris. One of them recognized a person who had bought a revolver two days before, and this Witness identified the weapon. —Pall Mall Oazette. A Widow's Vow. An English parish elerk, seeing a woman in the churchyard with a bun dle and a watering can, followed her, curious to know what her intentions might be, and discovared.that she was a widow of a few months' standing. Inquiring what she was going to do with the watering pot, she informed him that she had been obtaining some grass seed to sow on her husband's grave, and had brought a little water to make it spring up qnicklv. The clerk told her there was no oooasion to trouble; the grave would be green in good time. "Ah!• that may be," she replied, "but my poor husband made me take a vow not to marry again until the grass had grown over his grave, and, having had a good of fer, I do not wish to break my vow, or keep as I am longer than 1 eau help."—New York Sun. Persecuting a Poet. John Q. Whittier was greatly loved by strangers, who not only called on him, but thriftily insisted on patting lup with him all night. "Thee has no ! idea," said his sister, "how mueh time Cireenleaf spends trying to lose these ! people in the street*. Sometimes he j comes home andaayat 'Well, sister, I had hard work to lose him, but I bavu I lost liitu. But I can never lose a her. I'lim wi- ii- i! it re more pel tinacious tasg ' the || >i»'t thee till I I hum S% Maria V OUR FARMERS EGGS. TllK CANADIAN IIEN SENDS HER PRODUCT INTO OUR MARKETS. Prices Have Fallen and American Women Lose Their Pocket Money —All Farm Products Cheaper Un der the Wilson Bill—We Sell Less In the Markets of the World. It is eomo time since we looked into the farmer's egg basket. Then it was well filled with good fresh American eggs that sold readily in all American markets, the competition from Can ada, Europe, China and elsewhere hav ing been stopped under the McKinley tariff. But we have a new tariff now, a Gorman tariff, which reduced the dnty on eggs from fivo to three cents a dozen. In order to learn how this is 1892. working for the benefit of American farmers wo have looked up the im ports of eggs siuce September 1, 1894, a few days after the new bill became law, and find, from the figures of the Treasury Department, that the im ports oi eggs compare of follows: Four month?, September 1 to L>»e»mbor 31. Value. Dozen. 1*94 tfhW.ll.i 1,865,096 1893 139,471 1,105,405 I ii''rra.su $211,642 259,6rt8 The new tariff had been in effect only four months when we imported almost 260,000 dozen more eggs than during the corresponding four months of 1893. Tho money loss to the farm ers was $29,012 in this short time, which is at the rate of three hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year. This much money distributed among the farmers' wive 3 won Id come in mighty handy during these hard times, when eveu tho Treasury has rnu short and had to buy gold at a high rate of interest. The Gorman bill is not doiug much good for tho farmers in this country, nud tho Ca nadians know it. Thiu is what we fiud it in the Cauadiau Trade Review of Februarv 15: "We seem to be getting back onr egg market across the border. Last week ten carloads were shipped from Montreal to New York, aud realized a net profit to tho shipper of three cents above what he could get at home. Tho demand there is still fir from ex hausted, and further supplies from Canadian points will probably find a rising market. This reminds us of old times. Before the passage of the 1895. MeKinley act our egg exports across the border ran into quite large figures. Amounting in 1889 to 14,011,017 dozen, ol the value of $2,156,725. The five-cent duty of that tariff cut down these exports to tho value of $324,355 in the fiscal year ended June 30, 1893. The present duty is three cents a dozen, a rate wihch should not make it impossible to do an egg trade of the former magnitude with our neighbors." This Gorman bill seems to ba gor mandizing every little profit that the farmer used to make. - He has lost money on his wheat, corn and cotton crops, and now the Cauadian eg-js are coming in again, which means more eggs in the market. Too mauy mean too low prices, and no pocket money for the farmer's wife after she has paid for the chicken feed. Spring Season Goods. '•fcjkiJ; '* 'V Oat ol work, out of style. Terms—-SI.OO in Advance; Sl.2ft after Three Months. Watchfulness is &eetl*arr. Zeal after an election !» quite aa es sential as before. The cause which was successful at tho polls demands constant zeal for its practical realiza tion. The best agents of the popular will are made better by the inoessant watchfulness alone, but support, rein forcement and encouragement are necossary. The battle is only begun when the first line of intrenchments is taken. The army is quite as neces sary in the engagements whioh are to follow. The election only determines public policy. It has then to be carried out. It requires the people co-opera ting continuously with tho public offi cers to put into the form of law and administration their declared purpose. The election settles much or little, dependent upon how the election de crees are interpreted and executed. The election only declares the people's purpose. After this must come the fulfillment, for the promises ot the election should always be sacredly kept. Hero comes "tho tug of war." Then is not the time for relaxtion on the part of the citizen, but for re newed and redoubled effort and vigi lance. If then the peoplo become in different, you may be sure the publio officer, however strong and true and well meaning, will be inadequate for the task. The official is quick to catch the spirit of the people. Lincoln said, as he journeyed to Washington in 1861, in response to the addross of welcome by Governor Morton, of Indiana, at the city of In dianapolis : "In all the trying places in whioh I may be placed, and doubtless I will be placed in many such, my reliance will be upon you, the people of the United States, and I wish you to remember now and forever that it is your busi ness, not mine alone." No truth was ever more manifested or more significant then and now, than that uttered by Mr. Lincoln.— Governor Wm. McKinley. Protection in the South. Diversified farming is being enthu siastically discussed in the South where the low price of cotton is driv ing the producers to a practical study of what is best suited foi their needs. They Bay that the money which they (lo get for their cotton must be kept in the South instead of its being sent to other parts of the country for hay, corn and meat. Thiß is good policy and a policy that, in its broad sense, should be applied to every .part of the South, to the North, to the East and to the Weßt. It is, in fact, the policy of protection. Smaller Exports o! Farm Products. Farmers will naturally be interested to learn Low great is the competition in those markets of the world to se cure our American farm products, for the latest statistics show our exports for the seven months ending January 31, 1895. lu comparing these with the corresponding months a year earlier we have the following: EXPORTS OF FAIIM PRODUCTS. Seven Months, July 1 to January 31. 1894-95. i 893-91. Bushels. Jlusliels. Rarlov 1,14:1,58.1 3,755,025 Corn 9.tMifi.42B 37,728,7(1.1 Oats 335,10> 5,479.704 |lv,. 8,810 230.628 Wheat* 18,28(1,579 63,114,284 Total bushels.... .58,838,505 110.308,401 Flour, barrels 9.20(1,48(1 10,143,687 Farmers can see that, during tho seven mouths ending January 31,189.>, we sold nearly 52,000,000 bushels less food stuft to foreigu couu tries thau we did during the seven months end ing January 31, 1894, and also 1,000,- 000 barrels of Hour less. It is easy ti imagine how the buyers in the foreign markets of the world are lighting among themselves to secure this small quantity of our products, which is only about one-half of what we sold them beforo the wall of protection was broken down in order that we could reach their markets. Anil the worst of it is, to j, tha', they are only buying the smaller quantity at lowe/ prices than they used to pay for the larger quantities which they bought from us under protection. English Cottons Coming. The returns of the British Board of Trade for 1891 show that imports into the United Kingdom increasel bysl9,- 000,00 J, or nearly 1 per cent, more than the imports of 1893. The export trade fell od 1 per cent, or nearly 810,000,090 in amount. Tho decline in the values of goo Is, it is thought, will fully accouut for the shrinhage in export values, because the volume of business was certainly greater than in 1893, chietty owing to the larger qtian tity of goods shipped to the United States. In cotton goods the British exports increased 11 per cent, in quan* tity and only per cent, in value. Why Or.vtt Was a Republic in. The following lines, written an 1 signed by General U. S. Grant ia 1889, appear in his aucosrraph: "I'here is not a precinot intUis v*st Nation where a Democrat c.iaaot cast his ballot, an I hwe it ountel as cast, no matter what thepradominanca of the opposite party. "He can proclaim his political opinions—even if he is one among thousands— without fear and without proscriptions on account of his opinions. "There are fonrteen States, and localities in soma others, where Re publicans have not this privilege. This is one reason why I am a Re publican." "0. S. GRANT. We must ourselves ascend It ws would lift others, and In this rsry up ward climbing we are taking the first and most essential sup in social las- MOTWMBt - - - . NO. 29. UNFAITHFUL. If man could rule his lovo of change would mar The purple dignity that wraps the hill*; Pluck out from the blue sky some perfect star, And set it elsewhere, as his fancy wills. Train the gnarled apple tree more straightly up: Lift violet head, so long and meekly bowed; With some new odor All her purple cup, And gild the rosy fringes of a cloud. For mark! last year I lovod the violet best, And tied her tender colors in my hair; To-day I wear on my Inconstant breast A crimson rose, and count her just as fair. We are unfaithful. Only God is true To hold secure the landmarks of the past, To paint year after year the harobell blue, And in the same sweet mold its shape to cast. Oh, steadfast Nature, lot us learn of thee! Thou canst create a new llower at thy will, (Lnd yet through all the years canst faithful be To the sweet pattern of a daffodil. —From Sometime, by May Riley Smith. HUMOR OF THE DAT. A fast man easily runs into debt.— Puck. The poorest form of loafing is be longing to a literary society. —Atchi son Globe. Unless you flatter some people they imagine you are slandering them. — Galveston News. It is very hard to admit that a man yoanger than yourself has more sense. —Atchison Globe. In the bright lexicon of the grocer, even allspice is adulterated nntil it is not all spice. —Puck. Sheriff's advioe to a merchant— "Don't advertise and I'll do the rest." —Profitable Advertising. The man who becomes a successful hypocrite has to work at it every day in the week.—Ram's Horn. China invented gunpowder, but it was so long ago that she forgot what it was for. —Cincinnati Tribune. A man doesn't look as pretty at a piano as a girl; but, as a rule, he sounds prettier.—Atchison Globe. The man who commits suicide for love perpetrates a slur on all the women in the world except one. — Puok. "Those are pretty poor patent leath ers you have on." "Yes; but they were all right before the patent ex pired."—Yale Record. It's a wise young housekeeper who excuses her bad cooking on the ground of typographical errors in her cook book.—Philadelphia Reoord. Nearly every one has been.wioked enough in his life to feel painfully embarrassed when invited to a mind reading party.—Atchison Globe. Professor —"Mr. Wakeup, can you tell what besides chloride of iodine is found in salt water?" Wakeup— "Why, yes; fish."—Yale Record. Weazer —"The Populists used to have a band wagon ; what have they got now?" Teazer—"Nothing but the wagin* tongue."—Philadelphia In quirer. Time flies. It seems but a few days since a woman we know was cutting out scraps of poetry, and now she cuts out only sure cures for rhematism. — Atchison Globe. Chicago Alderman—"Who are you and what do you want?" Old Party (with lantern)—"My name is Diogenes. Let me pass. I'm not looking lor you."—Chicago Tribune. Mrs. Elephant (after tying knot in her spouse's trunk) —"There, now! I guess you won't forget again to bring the baby some of those cocoanuts when you go down to the jungle."—Puck. One fact should be known by him who'd drink From Fortune's golden cup; By Fate is the mail turned down who wait 3 For something to turn up. —Puck. Madge—"l wish we oould meet some of the leaders of our set this after noon." Mamie—"That's easy enough to do. Just put on your ugliest dress and go out for a walk."—Chicago Becord. Little Sister—"Any new studies this term?" Little Brother— "One— elocution." "What's that?" "It's learnin' how to read a thing so it will sound as if you was at the other end of a drain-pipe."—Good News. Visitor—"lt must be very difficult to produce such an exquisite work of art." Dealer—"Nonsense. Almost anybody can paint a pioture; but finding a victim to buy it after it is painted is where the art comes in."— Tit-Bits, Little Dot—"Uncle George says I'm too loquaoious. What does that mean." Mamma—-'That means you talk too much." Little Dot (after reflection) —"I 'spose big word* was made so folKs oould say mean things wifout hurtin' anybody's feelings."—Good News. "Eustace has been cured of his hab it of boastiug." "How was that miracle accomplished?" "He was dilating on the size of his income the other evening iu a mixed crowd when one of the persons present spoke up and remarked that he was an income . tax collector."—Chicago Record. A Strike Aniut the Hospitals. There is a strike against the hospi tals in Vienna. In Austria the private doctor is almost nnknown, as nearly everybody belongs to a medioal club, by which, on payment of a trifle, medi oal attendanoe is furnished whenever required. These clubs have long had an agreement with the publio hospi tals to give a I mission to sick members for thirty-six cents a week. The hos pitals are now trying to raise the rate to flfty oeuts per week aud the clulw have struok agaiust them. —Chicago Herald.