THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE. STORIES THAT ABE TOLD BY THE PXTNJffT MEN OP THE FBESS. A Wasted Talent—The Wrong Flavor —Started Him Off—Part Woald Do—Willing to Do His Best, Kto. She/had ntudied not philosophy, nor had iliillie.l with theosophy, ' Which often trios to lift the veil for just a little look; She avoided the piano, did Miss Ann Eliza Hannah, And devoted all her intellect to learning how to cook. With an earnest air and serious Bhe studied stews mysterious. And mastered all the processes of making wholesome bread; Har pies were each a poem, and she would proudly show 'em. "Oh, how lucky will lier husband bel" her friends an:l neighbors said. But, alas! for all endeavor, that forever and forever Showeth faith to bo a carping fiend, of dis position cruel; For the fellow that she married by dyspepsia was so harried Tnat he wouldn't let her coo!r a thing but toast and tea and gruel. —lndianapolis Journal. ACCEPT THE FIRST WHO OFFERS. Dolley—"Do you think that marriage is a declining institution?" Maud—"No, but refusing chances to matry is."— Buffalo Express. STARTED HIM OFF. "Did your father i;ive you a good start in life?" "Well—it was forcible and the old man put his best foot forward when he did it.''— Truth. CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP. "Are you the owner of this house, Jones?" "I was before the baby was born. I am under the impression the nurse owns it now."— Judge. THE WRONG FLAVOR. Mrs. Beach—"l think you have made a mistake." Grocer—"How so, Madam?" Mrs. Beach—"This sqnd tasts salty. I wanted it sweetened." PART WOULD DO. He (tenderly)—" Don't you feel chilly, darling? Wouldn't you like my coat to put around you?" She (shyly)—"l thinlc your sleeve will be sufficient."— Boston Courier. WILLING TO DO HIS BEST. "Johnny," said the pretty teacher; "what is a kiss?" "I can't exactly put it in words," returned the boy; "but if yer really wautcr knosv, I can show ycr." AN OVER SUPPLY. The New Rector—"l find the work in this parish very interesting indeed." Miss A.—"l should thiuk you might; there are ten unmarried girls to every man in the congregation."— Life. MARKED DOWN. ' 7 V George—"A penny for your thoughts, Jessie." Jessie—"That's a bargain." George—"Well, what were you think ing of." Jessie—"You!"— Puck. WELL UP. Maiden Aunt—"lf your mother had charge of you now she'd make you goto bed before this." Youug Nephew—"Not much she wouldn't. Ma's in London and it's broad daylight there now."— Truth. BANTER BEHIND Til S SCENES. "You appear to have caught 'em,"ob served tho manager, as the leading actor came rushing hastily behind the scenes. "Yes," said the actor, wiping the re mains of a belated egg from the folds of his Roman toga and dodging a cabbage fired after him from one of the private boxes, "everything seems to be coming my way."— Chicago Tribune. SHE WAS HAPPY TO KNOW HIM. Charlie Youngnoodle—"l say, Johnny, have you ever heard your sister Minnie speak of me?" Little Johnnie (entertaining him, till Minnie "comes down") —"Yes; she 1 says she's awfully happy to know yer." 1 Charlie Youngnoodle (flushed) —"That all, Johnny?" Little Johnny—"No, she says as yer buy her candy and friendship rings and : other nice things. Harold Knowles, who she marries next inonAi, can save his money."— Jewelers? Circular. HER WISH. "I wish I was a star," he sakl, smil ing at his own poetic fancy. "I would rather you were a comet," alio said, dreamily. His heart beat tumultously. "And why?" he asked, tenderly, at tho same time taking her unresisting lit tle hands in his own. "And why?" he repeated imperiously. "Oh!" she said, with a brooding earn estness that fell freezingly upon his soul, "because then you would come round only once every fifteen hundred years!" —London Tib-Bits. THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE. Tramp (with an old school-book) — "Say, mister, will yer kindly toll me what lotter this is?" Pedestrian—"Certainly. That's L. Can't yon read?" "No, sir; but I'm tryin' ter learn, an' I sha'n't rest till I do, muther." "I am delighted to find so laudable an ambition in one of your class. You have takon the right course at last." "Yes, Rir. It's mighty rough on a traveler liko mo not ter bo able to tell whether a sign says 'Beware o' the Dog' or 'Free Lunch Opening.' " — Good jb'etcs. DISMEARTKNI NO. District Attorney (disgustedly) "Well, this job sickens me. I'm going to hand in my resignation at once." Friend—''Why, what's the matter?" District Attorney—"Well, here I've worked night and day on this murder case, and had just succeeded in getting such a complete chain of evidence that any jury would have convicted the ac cused without leaving the jury-box, when along comes a substantiated confession from a man who has just died in the penitentiary that he committed the mur der, and my six months' hard work goes lor nothing."— Judge. BEWARE OF T2IE OUNKEB. Quester —"They tell me your friend, Leery, has taken the notion he'd like to be a gunner, and has purchased an outfit, with the iutention of trying his hund at the sport this fall. Is that so?" Jester—"l've heard so." Quester —"Well, if he ever goes out with a party he'll be apt to be made game of." Jester—"Excuse me, sir, but if he is the poor marksman they say he is, it will be the unfortunate party that goes out with him that will ba made game of."— Boston Courier. A TALE OP RETRIBUTION. "If I were as Lean and Scrawny as you are," said the Reporter they called Fatty, "I would Hire Myself Out as a Living Skeleton." The Lean and Scrawny Reporter made no Reply, but the City Editor came in Presently and said: "Fatty, theie is a Man at the Hospital who has Lost Nine Square Inches of Skin from his Back, and the Doctors waut Nine Square Inches of Skin from a Healthy Man to Replace it With. I want ' you togo and Furnish it." So the Fat Reporter, with a sigh, went to the Hospital and Contributed of his Abundant Supply of Integument to save the Life of a Fellow Being, while -the ' Lean Reporter went along and Wrote the i Thing up. Moral: It is Possible to have Too Much j of a Good Thing.— Chicago Tribune. SCENE ra A COUNTRY GROCERY STORK. Tramp (entering)—" Say, could you i let me have a glass of milk? I have no ! coin wid me, but I'll give ye five stamps, I if that'll do." Grocer (to get rid of him) —"All right (pours out the milk), here's your milk." , Tramp drinks it, smaks his lips, : stamps five times on the floor and walks { toward the door. The grocer shouts to him to come back. Tramp returns. '•What do ver want?" "My stamps, of course." "Didn't I give them to you?" j "No, of course not." "Well, here they are again." (Stamps five times more). "Ah, I see; ha! ha! Well, that's a pretty good joke, but I tell you what I'll do; I'll give you a quarter to try that on that fellow across the street there." "Sh! Why he just gave me fifty cents to try it on you."— Neic York Press. PAPA IN CLOVER. Wife—"How in tho world can you afford to buy those expensive cigars." Husband—"l don't buy 'em." "Dear, mel You don't mean to say any friend of yours is rich enough to give you such cigars, do you?" "Well, no, not exactly. That young man who has got so smitten with our daughter " "Huh! No more than she is with him." "Well, he's an agent or something for a big firm of cigar importers, and gen erally has his pockets lull of their best samples. Well, after we goto bed, and the lights are turned down, he takes them out of his pockets and puts 'em on the mantle-piece—to keep 'em from get ting crushed, I suppose. Then when it comes to leaving, between the desire to skip out without making any noise at such a late hour, and the pain of saying good-night to our daughter, he forgets all about them. I tell you, Mariah, our daughter has been a pretty heavy ex pense, but she's sort o' paying for her self now."— 2few York Weekly. Don't Put Coin in the Month. "I can tell you," said a prominent physician to a representative of the Call, "what is a fruitful source of disease." "And what is it?" "In riding In the street cars you have no doubt seen pas sengers, particularly women, take a piece of coin from a pocketbook and place it between the lips whilo waiting for the conductor to come along. It is a habit formed by mauy and a most dangerous one." "Why?" "Did you ever for a moment think," continued tho physician, "where a piece of coin may have been before it came into your possession, to what use it may have been put, or where its place of lodgment was? I have known of many instances in which coin has been used to close the eyes of leperous Chinamen. Then again there ure a certain class of women who are supertitious and believe that if they will place in their stocking the first piece of coin they receive in the day luck will follow them all day long, and how many are thero who carry monoy in their boots or shoes and draw it from there as necessity demauds? Just thiuk of money that has been used in the manner I have described being placed between the lips of any one—man or woman. Money cariies with it many a blessing, but it also carries many a curse, for bright as it is it carries upon its face the germ of many a disease, which is commuuicated to the people in the manner I have de scribed."—San Francisco Call. Phosphorus for Matchos. The amount of phosphorus cousumed per aunum is about two thousand tons, and is chiefly used in match making. Hitherto chemicals were usod in iU manufacture, but by a recent improve ment the rair material and coke are placed in a specially prepared furnace aul electric heat is applied. The vapor arising is condensed, and marketable phosphorus is produced.— Pittsburg l)it xatrJL | NEWS AND NOTES fOB WOMEN. i Vests remain in favor. I Almost all skirts are worn plain. , i Dallas, Texas, has women notaries. ! Carmen Sylva writes her verses in red : ink. I The Princess of Wales has thirteen I wigs. I Florence Nightingale has just com pleted her seventieth year. Tho white veils of embroidered laca are lovely to look at, but hard to see through. In Mexico young girls are called littls chickens, and old girls are named old chickens. i Miss Ethel Griggs, a young American lady, has achieved a decided success at : Berlin as a whistler. ! Mrs. Mar-kay, wife of the Bonanza millionaire, has a string of flawless dia monds two yards long. I England has * very large society called the Association for the Assistance of La dies in Reduced Circumstance. In Antwerp, a woman has taken a j prize in Flemish literature, which is j offered by the State once in five years. The girl who hunts has her sofa pil lows filled with the plumage of birds bagged by her own little self and shot gun. | Milking stools of white enamelled wood, mahogany and polished oak are in great demand for parlor corners and ' window seats. ! It is announced that a hospital for fe male patients will shortly be erected in Bosnia, all the modical officers of which will be women. I The chair of oratory in the University of Honolulu, Sandwich Islands, has been offered to Miss Norman C. Crawford, of Minersville, Penn. Cotton tapestry is the best kind of covering for a couch that is in general use, being clean, pretty and more dura > ble than many stuffs. It is rumored among the gay followers of fashion that the chignon, which was years ago a necessity in ladies' hair dressing, will again bo brought to light this winter. There is a great tendency to use fancy feathers in trimming toques, turbans and capotes, which is probably the natural outgrowth of the attempt in the spring to trim with wings. It is not generally known that a crepe veil may be with propriety worn with a handsome white dress. This is mora suitable for ceremonious wear than for every-day occasions. Mrs. Wanamaker, wife of the Post master General, is said to keep up a regular correspondence with the 150 young girls who make up her Sunday school class in Philadelphia. Madame Rangoni, tho famous Italian mountaineer, has recently made an as cent to tho highest peak of the Orllcr Mountains, which has never before been reached by a female tourist. The novelty in millinery silks up to the present is shaded velvet and satin antique. Among tho noticeable com binations are mousso green and laven der, and pink with dove gray. In eighteen months Miss Kate Smith rose from a SGO clerkshin under tho Government to one with a .*ll6OO salary. She is the only woman chief of division in the service of the Government. Laces are seen everywhere and are special favorites. They are found on dresses, mantles, capes and parasols. They make a nice border for hats, and are used not only for trimming t but as chief material. Mrs. Jennio C. Nixon, of Tennessee, is professor of lhetoric and belles-lettres in Newcombe College, New Orleans. She is a clever newspaper woman, and has done much editorial work for the Southern papers. Rosettes about the diameter of a two shilling piece are mouuted on pius foi the hair. These rosettes are inado of narrower ribbon than the bows, whereas the diamond in the midst of the double circle of loops is often larger. The daughters of the Empress Fred erick, and sißters of the Kaiser, are at tractive young women, though not beau tiful. They have good complexions and sparkling blue eyes, and resemble their father more than their mother. Lilian Cooke, who holds a diploma as a doctor of medicine, has started for Corea. She intends to establish a medi cal mission for women and children at Seoul, the capital. Corea is reported to be showing a marked increase in trade and prosperity. Miss Laura White, sister of ex-Con gressman J. D. White, is a professional architect in Ashland, Ky. She is a graduate of Ann Arbor, and was the. woman who solved the difficult mathe matical problem sent to that institution from Oxford. England. How's Your Liver If sluggish and painful, invig orate it to healthy action by taking Hood's Sarsaparilla KYA U—4l JOHNSON'S Anodyne Liniment. m ORIGINATED IN 1810. . r J SIN* or ITI ALMOST A CENTUB I • Kvery traveler, Every fandlv nhould keep it at hand, for the common Ills of life liable to occur to any one. It Is Koothinar. llealtnK and Penetrating. Once lined al ways wanted. Sold everywhere. Price wc, si i, t&- Full particulars free. 1. S. JOHNSON hUi Times. Firing Shells at High Angles. The new armor-piercing shells were tested at Sandy Hook, N. J., on a recent afternoon. One shot was firea with some success, inasmuch as the projectile knocked out a corner of the steel instead of piercing it as it should. This is probably accounted for, however, bv the lact that the guu was sighted for that portion of the plate so as to save it for further shots and thus spare the ne cessity of putting in a new shield at each shot. The shell, which weighed 630 pounds, went through the plate and then exploded in the barrier of sand immedi ately in the rear of the shield. The pro jectile passed through a second wooden target about 100 yards behind the shield and was found 800 yards from the gun. The firing velocity of the gun is 870 feet per second. This experiment was to de termine if it is possible to put a shell through the deck of a steamship by a system of firing known us high-angle firing, the shell first piercing the deck and then exploding in the hold of the vessel. Fifty-one pounds of powder was used. The large pieces of the plate were fouid 100 yards from the gun.— Army and Nary (luztltr. R. R. R. QADWAY'S II READY RELIEF. CURES AND PREVENTS Colds. Coughs, Sore Throat, Influenza, Bronchitis, Pneumonia, Swelling of the Joints, Lumbago, Inflammations, Rheumatism, Neuralgia. Frostbites, Chilblains, Headache, Toothache, Asthma, DIFFICULT BREATHING. CURES THE WORST PAINS lu from one to twenty minutes. NoT ONE HOUR after reading this ad» vertlscmeut ueed any one SI"FFEIt WITH PAIN, ltadwny's Itendy It dirt i» u >ure Cure lor Every Pitin, Sp ruins, limine*, Pains In tlir Hack, ( Hi-ni or iikuibs. It was ilie Hirst mui is tlir Only PAIN KE.MEDY That Instantly stops the most excruciating pains, allays Inflammation, and cures Congestion**,whether of the Lungs, Stomach, Dowels, or other gltuids or organs, by one application. A half to a teus|Mjouful In half u tumbler of water will In a few minutes cure Cramps, Spasms, Sour Stomach, Heartburn, Nervousness, Sleeplessness, Sick Headache, Diarrhoea, Dysentery, Colic, Flatu lency and all Internal pulns. There la not a remedial •o quick n» KADWAI'II KEAI>V KEI.IEK. Fifty centn per lioiile. Sold by nrimUU' V »E SIT H E TO (JET KAinVAY'S. IP YOU HAVE no appetite. Indigestion, Flatulence, Hlck- Headcahe, ••all run down" or losing flesh, you will lind Tutt's Pills fast what you need. Tliey tone up the weak utomachnndbullduptheflairglugenerKies. I CPHMH-ELY'S CRE#| Ef. Fmisko*, Allay: Jn c KW" 8ore«, Bcitor«» -a« Olves Relief at one Apply into the Sottr 4, SnMHBBHI&Oc. Druggists or bv m»iL £L ■ || AIIOUT Knit TennenHee'* FINE Mil t'l.lJl ATE and UREAT Rebocrckh IS E* 1 ■ IvNOXVILI.K SENTINEI.; dally, 1 mo., ,Wf.: Weekly, 1 year, »I 1 tiamples. 3c. JROPSYSI Positively Cared with Vegetable Remedies Hath ournd thou Hands ot oases. Cure patients or ik In alldaa n"J There areS3«OOO t OOO Unclalm* KAILnUAU led Wages due to R. R. men 01 the riJDI AVrrc lU.B. We oolleot claims. Addres< LIYirLUYLCO BOX 80, Cleveland, O. PATENTS UOME It THOBODanTTAOOBTSTMAII.. Olroular» fire, Itryant's sa The forest areas of Germany are re turned as follow*: Prussia, 6,000,000 acres; Bavaria, 2,800,000 acres; Wur temberg, 470,000 acres; Baxony, 416,000 acres, and Baden, 285,000 acres. The net revenue derived from these forests would appear to be considerable. Scotland contains thirty towns of more than 10,000 inhabitants. Seven of these number more than 30,000 inhabitants, nine have between 20,000 and 30,000, and the remaining fourteen have from 10,000 to 20,000. Hall's Catarrh Core Is a liquid and Is taken Internally, Sold try Druggists. 7Bc. IT Is estimated that 100,00(1 Americans visit Europe every year. Ladles often eonnmre notes on health, and While they may differ on many poiuts,thev al ways afrf-He that I.yilln E. Pinkhatn's Vege table C&mjiotlha Is the standard female medi cine. Commendable^ All claims not consistent with the high char acter of Syrup of Mgs are purposely avoided by the Cal. Fig Syrup Company. It acts gently on the kidneys, liver and bowels, cleansing tho system effectually, but it is not, a cure-all and makes no pretensions that every bottlo will not substantiate. Don't l.ct Them Die. Many children die aunually with croup that might oe saved if l>r. Hoxsie's Certain Croup Cure was promptly administered. Remember it. Sold by druggists or mailed oil receipt ol CO cts. Address A. I'. Hoxsie. Huflalo, N■ V. Tk« Convenience ml nolia i raiia, The Erie is the only railway running solid trains over Its own tracks between New York and Chicago. No change of cars for any class of passengers. Hates lower than via. any other flrst-claes line. iTfS stopped free by Un. Kusi's 'JURAT NKBVK KBSTOHEIU No ilta after flrst day's uaa. Marvelous ourea. Treatise and *itrUl bottle 112 roe. I)r. Kline. 931 A roll SU. P*. "A Savior of her sex," is a title bestowed upon Lydia E. Pink ham by tho women of the world, millions of whom are indebted to her for health. Keep Your Blood Pure. A small quantity of prevention is worth many pounds of cure. If your blood is in good condition the liability to any disease is much reduced and the ability to resist its wasting influence is tenfold greater. Look then to your blood, by taking Swift's Specific CS. S. S.) every few months. It is harmless in its effects to the most delicate infant, yet it cleanses the blood of all poisons and builds up the general health. t'O O QJ cured me sound and well of contagious Blood Poison. As goon as I discovered I was afflicted with the disease 1 commenced Uklng Swift's Spocltlo (S. S. S.) and in a few weeks I was perma i"snUy ourod." GEORGE STEWART, Shelby, Ohio. Treatise on Blood and Skin diseases mailed free. The Swfft Specific Co.. Atlanta. G*. "German Syrup" The majority of well-read phys icians now believe that Consump tion is a germ disease. In other words, instead of being in the con stitution itself it is caused by innu merable small creatures living in the lungs having no business there and sating them away as caterpillars do the leaves of trees. A Germ The phlegm that is coughed up is those Disease. parts of the lungs which have been gnawed off and destroyed. These little bacilli, as the germs are called, are too small to be seen with the naked eye, but they are very much alive just the same, and enter the body in our food, in the air we breathe, and through the pores of the skin. Thence they get into the blood aud finally arrive at the lungs where they fasten and increase with frightful rapidity. Then German Syrup comes in, loosens them, kills them, expells them, heals the places they leave, and so nourish and soothe that, in a short time consump tives beoo»rir perm-proof rid ""*ll. i. i>„ uurrni s. . '.M-.leaniofl u%t> flamma..on, —n t* ju*cklp Absorbed. X UKca.so .VarrenSt.. WORN NIGHT AND DAY ! • Holds the worst rup- J" ture with rnw un -2 Mrp r a a m all circumst uncos. OraSi n ■ II (AIKIIBTIK.M Ferfeot-J COMFORT, •i New Patented lnii rove r> % M nient. Ilu tinted Cnti- V «T M lof?ue un I rules tor i-elf 112 V\ measurement security kJ xeal d. U. V. HOI'NK ITu Pat. July », law. m Broadway ,N.y.J3fiy_ a A tmnM »V JCA.K, wHaranaa aiar*a get. wall tuii iceep well. tieaU* Helper J I V2\ tells .iow. 5006*. a /sat. sampla cop t free. Or. J. it. UYE, Editor. Uufalo. N. if. I EWIS' 98 % in jSa I Powdered and Perfumed. QBgt Li (PATENTED.) Stron gent and purest Lye made Hk® Ir* A Make* the best perfumed Hard • Soap in 20 minutes withou i boil iUV in g. It iB the best for softening water, cleansing waste pipes, disinfecting sinks, closets,wash mm ing bottles, oaints, trees, etc. ll PENNA. SALT MFG. CO., snffiCSSK Gen. Agents, Pbila_ Fa. A sense of fuUnt%» and other troubles after eating? Then you need a " Pellet." Ncrt one of the ordinary, griping, tear ing pills—it's a sickness in itself to take them. But one of Dr. Pierce'a Pleasant Pellets—the original Liver Pill, the smallest and the easiest to take. The easiest in the way they work, too they're mild and gentle, but thorough and effective. Every part of the system feels their health ful influence. They cleanse and. regulate the liver, stomach and bow els. Regulate, mind you. They prevent disease ns well as euro it. They're purely vegetable and perfect ly harmless. Sick Headache, Bilious Headache, Const ipation, Indigestion, and all derangements of the liver, stomach and bowels are promptly relieved and permanently cured. They're the cheapest pill you can buy, for they're guaranteed to give satisfaction, or your money is re turned. You pay only for the good you get. This is tvuo only of Dr. Pierce's medicines. pBTOBUs UNEXCELLED! APPLIED EXTERXAL,LV FOB Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Pains in ttia Limbs, Baclt or Chest, Mumps, Sora Throat, Colds, Sprains, Bruises, Stings of Insects, Mosquito Bites. TAKEN INTERNA MjY It acta like a charm lor Cholera Morbus Diurrliau, Dysentery, Colic, Cramps Nau* HCH, SicU llrudnchv, Arc. Warranted perfectly harnileM. (Seeoath accompanyinir each bottle, al*o direction* lor Uie.i l(n SOOTIIIMJ and PENETRA TI Mi qualities are fell immediately* Try it and he convinced. Price -«> and <)U cents. Sold by all drux glstA. DEPOT, dO Ml UK A Y ST.. NEW VOHli H^V-00 fv . \ \ LADIES V.^\Jkfcrfl7s ' 2 :L L. DOUGLAS S3SHOE GENTLEMEN. Ihe BEST SHOE in the World (or the Money. liENTI.EIII!N anil l.tlM'S, novo your >lol jars by wearing W. I*. Doiighu* Shoes. Tliey meet the wants of all clause*, and ure she most ewmoinlcil foot-wear ever offered lor the money. He ware of dealers who offer ether maker, a-» »>eln« as t-ood, and be sure you have W. I*. Douglas oboes, wan name and price stamped on bottom W. L. Douglas, Brockton, Mas*. IT TAKE NO SIJBSTITtf I'E. .Ml Insist on local advertised dealers supplying y »u. "how to save AO per ct, or more in CASH and ;xe: tree . plant*, etc.. with trifling effort FREE. Agents waited, for catalogue with valuable Inforira lon. aadtess J. HAMMOND. Nurskkymas, Geneva, N. KANSAS EMMSSSfS good prices. Farms for sale at L.lat I rod. ( II AS. R. WOIH.I.EV. lUborne. htm. X X INTER-AIR-SPACE xx II Adapted to nil climates and var.atlonsof tem -*■ pcrature. Sold by Leading merchant* :n pihn- pal cities. Illustrated catalogue mailed nee on appli cat onto Hardert'old Enbric Co.. Troy. N. V.