Huntingdon journal. (Huntingdon, Pa.) 1843-1859, December 24, 1850, Image 1
I 1( 1t 1111 _ 0 V , ;, 0 o - tv/,,-;%, /10/7n, f)10( -14 ( * ,41A , _ BY JAS. CLARK. The Flight of Time. Why Oyes the time so fast? Days, months, and years glide hy, And each looks shorter titan the last, And swifter scents to fly; On viewless wing still rushing on, To join the flight of ages gone, Their silent course they ply. It seemed, when we Were young, Time lingered on the way, Fair hope, like any syren sung The live-long summer day— Oh! sweetly. sung of promised bliss, Too bright for such a world as this— Too beautiful to stay. And then the Winter night, So lively and so long, When round the fireside, blazing-bright, Went merriment and song; Long were the hours—fur wo were then Impatient to be happy men, And join the busy throng. Hope's radiance in the heart, In youth supremely blest, Can transitory joys impart, The brightest and the best. The ills of life come all too soon; And why should clouds obscure the moon That warms the youthful breart 7 When life's young dream is o'er, And fancy's tire decay, And hope's illusions charm no more, Nor chide the lingering day ; Then Time sweeps on with winged speed, Or, like a thief, with noiseless tread Steals all our years away. Fled like a stream's the past, The joyous banquet o'er, Our longing looks we backwards cast, And think on days of yore. Brood o'er each scene in joy or woe, Till we grow old—before wo know That we are young no more. A Bachelor's Bridal. An original parody on" The Burial of Sir John Moore." Not a laugh was heard or a joyous note, As our friend to the bridal hurled, Not a wit discharged his threwell shot At the bachelor just to be married. Wo married hint quickly, to save his fright, Our heads from the sad sight turning, And wo sighed as we stood by the lamp's dim light, To think ho was no more discerning. To think that a bachelor, free and bright, And shy of the girls as we found him, Should here by the altar, at the dead of the night, Be caught in the snare that bound him. Few and short were the words wo said, Though we heartily ate of the cakes, Then escorted him home from that scene of dread, And thought how awf'ly ho shakes. We thought as we hollowed his lowly bed, Of the beech, the birch, the willow, Row the shovel and broomstick would break o'er his head, And the tears he would shed on his pillow. Says he, "they will talk of their friend who has gone, And every old " Bach" will upbraid me, And nothing I'll reek if they'll let me sleep on, 'Neat!' the coverlet just as they've laid me." But half of our heavy task was done, Ere the clock tolled the hour for the other, And we left, with the hope that the fate he had won, Would nc►er be won by another. Slowly and sadly we march down From the stop of the uppermost story, And we never have heard from or seen the poor man, Who we left not At.oNE in his glory. My Uncle BilVa First Love. My uncle Bill and my aunt Airy re,ide on Long Island, not fhr front the fur-fumed resort Rockaway. One et•ening lust week, us aunt Airy seas boiling some chesnuts for us " Yorkers" to oat, and as uncle Bill sat smoking a good Havana we had brought down with ns; we persuaded Ides to tell us a story. Uncle Bill tells a good one when he chooses, and being a man that loves to please, he dipped deeply, very quickly, into the merits of the one he proposed telling us some what thus: " When I was a slip of a chap, I bad occasion to taavel some distance in a stage coach, us steamboats and rail cars were not too plenty in those ere days. Now I have hcerd tell often of fellers fallin in love at first sight, but I never much believed it till that stage ride made me kind er think so. I had the luck of sitting alongside of one of the prettiest women I have ever seen, (uncle Bill looked slyly at aunt Airy.) I soon fell in love up to the brim, chock, with the gal.— As it was growing dark, the stage was passing through a thick wood, then I thought my time had come, surely. As I felt my strength going quick ly, I kinder gently lifted my arm, and drew round the fair one's waist; she moved not, but only made a slight noise, which I supposed was a love sigh; says I, ' dear one, sweet one, I love yer, will yer love me l' The girl said nothing, but made the noise, I supposed was a love sigh, again. I then pressed her to me, and her head fell on my shoulder, and I began to tremble all over; but still I kept my tongue agoin, and says I, ' dear little one, won't yer love me, can't yer los e, will yer m-m-marry me?' The stage just then drove out of the wood, and the moon shone on her face, and I looked on it—and—and—" and what?"— we all exclaimed, "and," says uncle Bill, "she Was sfeepin, snorin in my arms." When our roars of laughter had subsided somewhat, uncle Bill said, "there she sin bilin chestnut," [From Graham's Magazine.] Dydimus Dumps. RY RIOTIARD PENN SMITH. " On Horror's head ho•rors accumulate." Sous; are enamored of the graceful movements of a horse, others of a painting dancing gipsy; some pass their lives in examining the petal of a flower or the brilliancy of a bug—some disregard the earth and read the heavens, while others find nothing half so beautiful in all creation as a well cooked terrapin or partridge pie. Dydimus Dumps belonged to neither of these varieties—he eschewed the beautiful; his taste was for the hor rible. The parentage, education, and pursuits of Dydi mus tended to develop this prominent feature iu his character. His father was a little consumptive tailor, who was obliged to ply his needle incess antly for cabbage, and ns tailors are proverbially melancholic, his hard fate, acting on his tempera ment, according to the settled laws of Gall and Spurabeim, rendered bins as solemn and myster ious as a tomb-stone without an epitaph. Subse quently lie turned to exhorting in the conventicle, which inereated the longitude and acerbity of his meagre visage, and also the sonorous bass of his deep-toned nasal organ. Spirit of Slawkenber gee 1 with such a second, you might have deceiv ed the dry hones of the valley with the belief that the dispason of universal nature had been rudely set in motion, and that it was time to conic forth and attune their pipes to concert pitch. His favorite text was the transgression, of moth er Eve, against whom he declaimed unmercifully, not so much on account of her having brought sin and death into the world, that but for her curiosity he never would have been condemned to the un appreciated and indispensible vocation of finishing man's god-like form in such a fashion us to appear in decent society. Pure nature shrinks abashed when castigated by conventional rules. A babe denuded of its swaddling dollies may not cut its caprioles on a Brussels' carpet, without awaken ing spasmodic delicacy in the painted face of theti tious modesty, that never blushed in the dark. The mother of our hero was a layer out of the dead, and from her calling she imagined herself a sort of connecting link between this world and the next, a hyphen between time anal eteinity. Hydi mils in early childhood attended her on these sol emn missions, and he claimed it as at prescriptive right to officiate as chief-mounter in all fashiona ble funeral processions. It was flattering to his juvenile ambition, and that his grief might be ren dered the more impressive, his considerate moth. cr invariably harnessed him in the longest wee& and weepers and the best black silk gloves that the bereaved relatives had furnished to make a public demonstration of their secret sorrow. Such was the serious east of his mind in his early yeses, that he despised the restraint of the ordinary sys tem of education, and actually made considerable progress in the alphabet by conning over the epi taphs on the tomb-stones, and ultimately acquir ed as much 'knowledge of the dead languages as most collegians with the appendix of A. M., L. L. I). and A. S. S. to their otherwise insignifi cant names. Many years ago I knew Dydimus intimately.— He was at that time a middle aged and independ ent man, having come into possession of the wholesome accretions of his prudent and watchful mother. He was fond of relating narratives of barbarity, whether fact or fiction, it was immater ial, for be believed all be saw in print, and as I was a patient listener—the most gratifying com pliment that can be paid to all old women of either sex—it afforded him infinite pleasure to bestow all his tediousness upon me. Ills library was limited—" better have a few volumes, said he, and digest them well, than, as some pretenders to • literature, make a large collection without read ing beyond the labels "—his library consisted of " The Life and Death of Cock-Robin, with col-, orcd sculptures—his mother's first present— which time bad already rendered exceedingly val uable, for there was no other copy of the same edition extant; Vox's Book of Martyrs, horribly illustrated; the Buccaneers of America, and a History of the Spanish Inquisition. His walls were adorned with pictures in keeping—ono of which he highly prized for its antiquity and truth of design. It was the sacrifice of Isaac, taken front a Dutch bible, published in an age when they weather-boarded books, and lint iron clasps upon them, anticipating Locke on the Human Under standing—which illustration of that most solemn and impressive narrative, represented the agoniz ed yet obedient parent, with a huge blunderbuss presented at the breast of his innocent and unre sisting offspring, while an angel, proportioned and appareled like a well-fed Amsterdam belle, seated aloft on a cloud resembling a feather-bed, drop ped tears as big as hailstones in the pan of the fire-lock, while Abrahath was in the act of pulling the trigger. Poets and painters in all ages excite a shudder or a smile by their feeble attempts to bring within our perceptive faculties sublime mysteries over which an impenetrable veil is drawn, yet which the intelligent mind feels and understands without the assistance of corporeal agency. The seminal ideas were implanted at our birth, they grow with our growth, and imperceptibly produce their fruit without the light and heat of external sunshine.— How vague are the ideas we entertain of the per sonal appearance of the angels! Enthusiasts of aft notions, arrogantly people the celestial scenery with the female beauty of their own time and clime; and the poetic creation of the Venus de Medici—the softened lineaments of Lucrece Bor gia, have been used as the archetypes of the fe male personages in altar-pieces, before whirls the purest in heart and the strongest in brain, bow HUNTINGDON, PA., TUESDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1850. with reverence. The countenance and the drape ry of angels depend upon the fitshion of the age in which the artist lived, and the nation to which he belonged. Michael Angelo's angels • are not those of a modern Italian or a Frenchman—in the age of Elizabeth of England, a high-Starched ruff and hooped petticoat were angelic, because they I concealed that which would have rendered the saint equivocal—some artists fancy fat angels and others lean, and a Flemish painter of the old school would indignantly reject sack angels as they fashion in China or Hindostan, as unworthy of a place in the general exhibition. Even Ma himmet's bowies will have a hard scratch to hold their own, when the curtain. is raised and myriads of long forgotten nations—the progeny of orbs un known to earth—denuded of the costume of time and station, stand forth to he tried by the impar tial and, immutable test of universal beauty. But I am losing sight of Mr. Dumps. His regi men was somewhat remarkable. His organ of alimentiveness was largely developed, and his temperament was what phrenologists would pro nounce the billions melancholic, combined with the nervous and a sprinkle of the lymphatic. This is all Hebrew-Greek to me, but doubtless is cor rect, for lie was an extraordinary man, and richly entitled to all the temperaments referred to by Gall and Spurzheitn. Ile supped every night on clam fritters, hard boiled eggs, pickled sturgeon, and raw cabbage, all of which he washed down with an unconstitutional quantity of muddy beer, that he might snore fully enjoy the fantastic and horri ble caprioles of the night-mare. The profound gravity with which he would attack his nightly re past, would have inspired Apicius with veneration for his gastronomic abilities. One morning he called upon me, and appearing more dejected than usual, I inquired the cause-- 1 he replied : "I have exhausted all the places of rational amusement in the city, wax-works, puppet-shows, and all. I finally purchased a season ticket of admission to that meritorious institution called the Washington Museum, esteemed as the only exhibition that could awaken the sensibilities of a delicately attuned and cultivated mind. But I have gazed so long upon the headless trunk of ' poor Marie Antoinette, the dying Hamilton, Mo reau and many others—including the emaciated Baron Trenck peeping through the bars of his cage, like Sterne's starling, that they have lost their pungency. The fountain of tears is exhaus ted, and I am most miserably cheerful. I feel no more pleasure in contemplating the jealous Moor in the act of stabbing his sleeping Desahona, or Queen Dido preparing to hang herself in her gar ters, than I do in beholding those immortal wor thies, Washington and Franklin, placidly seeming to mail unutterable things illegibly scrawled upon a piece of dirty parchinent, or the portly William Penn, in the attitude of leading out a fair Quaker ess to a eountry-dance. Nay, you will scarcely credit it, but it is a melancholy fitct--I have be come so accustomed to the horrible discord of that eternal mg.-grinder, who silenced and put the starved treble of flak-wenches out of counte nance, that it no longer creates any titillation on my tympanum, butt sounds as melodiously as the music of the spheres. I am in absolute despair ! What shall I do I" " Your are a bachelor and rich. Get married." " That would be horrible, indeed; but then it lasts for life. I wish variety; a monotony of hor ror would pall upon the palate." Yet Dydimus was a kind-hearted man. His benefactions was liberally bestowed. His pen tioners were comprised of the lame, blind and destitute, whom he visited systematically to drop his unseen charity, and though he could not min isterto their minds by cheerful converse, he never failed to awaken them to a keen sense of their for lorn condition by his tears of sympathy. " What's to be done I" continued Dydimus.— , " This dearth of excitement will drive me to some thing terrible." "Do you never go to the theatre?" "When Cook was here, I went, but seldom since." "Go now, and you will fuel the exhibitions most truly awful." " Say you so? You cheer me," ho exclaim ed, leisurely rubbing his hands and smiling like a caput mortum. "Pray inform me what sort of shows do they •ekhibit to gratify a cultivated taste 7" "I see it announced that Mr. Stoker will hang, himself for the first time, at the circus this even ing, for the edification of an enlightened public." " Hang himself! That indeed approximates my ideas of the interesting. But is there no hum bug about it? I despise humbug." "I am assured:that it falls little short of a bonn fide hanging, and that the exhibition is really de lightful to those who take pleasure in witnessing executions of the sort." " I never saw a man hanged in ail my life, and as It is probable I never shall, I would not neg lect this opportunity of having my ideas enlarged as to the manner of performing this interesting branch of jurisprudence. Will you accompany." "With pleasure, as they only hang in jest." "The real thing must be exciting?" "Doubtless, and more especially to the princi pal performer." We accordingly repaired to the circus at an early hour, and took our seats us soon as the doors were open. Dydimus was impatient until the horsemanship commenced, but as the eques trians performed their feats with so much self-pos session, he soon became wearied with the monot ony of the exhibition, and emphatically pronounc ed it to bo a popular humbug. At length an ar tist appeared in the arena, mounted without sad dle or bridle, who rode like a lunatic flying from his keepers, who had oat-voted him on the score of sanity—throwing himself into all perilous at titudes upon his unttuned Rucephalus. "I-la! ha!" exclaimed Dydimus, "this is reali ty! What was Geoffrey Gambado or the Mace donian compared to him. The progress of the hu man faculties toward perfection is wonderful. A few ridingmasters of that description would soon send harness makers to the region where the sou of Philip no longer obstructs the sunshine of Dio genes. I-Ic may have conquered a world, but he would not make salt to his porridge if he were a circus-rider in the present Age of improvement.— A fig for the ancients and their Olympic games." Mr. Dumps expected every moment to behold the daring -rider's brains dashed out, but to his great astonishment, not to say disappointment, the agile equestrian invariably regained his equilibri um when apparently in the most perilous position. The anxiety and all absorbing interest awakened • in the mind of Dydimus, became apparent by the, contortions of his countenance, and the girations of his nervous system. A lad seated beside him, who was "native and to the manner born," and , who for some time had watched his movements with mischievous satisfaction, addressed him in a tone loud enough to attract, the attention of those arutusi us— ". Stranger, there's no nso in frettingyour innards to fiddle-strings; I know that 'ere covey, and he would see the whole house, managers and all, in a place unlit to mention, before he would tweak his neck for the amusement of a levy spectator. Re member we are in the pit, and he can't afford such a show as that for a shilling, every day. Ile will break it on his benefit night; you can go then and get the worth of your money, and. encourage nmr it." This remnrk excited the risible faculties of those who overheard it, and nydimus disconcerted, and looking unutterable things, stammered out— " Pshaw 1 Fudge 1 Do you take me for agreen horn ? I know it all ed be catch-penny—consum mate huntbng—imposture !" "You wouldn't have him break his neck for a shillingi Posterity, I grant, has never yet done anything for us, but then, only think, how could posterity possibly get along without that man 7 Let posterity know that we foster genius and pat ronize the fine arts." To escape the impertinence of the boy, Dyilimn9 turning to me, remarked— "That equestrian would have been distinguish ed among the Persians. To be a great horseman with them . was second only to shooting with the bow and speaking the truth." "The horse jockeys of the present day (Elfin: front those of Persia. Ours draw a much longer bow, and seldom speak the truth. The horsemanship being over, Mr. Stoker made his appearance, and as he ascended to the rope, suspended frosts thereof of the theatre, Mr. Dumps' pulse could not have throbbed more rapidly if he had been placed in similar jeopardy. Ile was eye. The gyninic commenced operations, awl when at full swing he sprang headlong froitf his seat thirty feet from the floor. " Hum !" shouted Dumps, stat•sing to his feet. "llama! there he goes! Nut a plank bent:leen him awl eternity !" There was a spontaneous burst of npplause, which the showman modestly appropriated to his own credit, though Mr. Dumps was entitled to more than an equal division of the honor. Fortu nately fur the rope-dancer, though to the chagrin of some of the spectators, he had taken the precau tion of fastening his right leg in a noose attached to Liss swing, and thus ho was suspended, head downwards, like Maltomet's coffin, between heav en and earth. He w•as greeted with a more hearty and spontaneous burst of applause than Newton received when he illnstrated the laws of gravity.— But what was Newton and all his disCoveries, iu popular estimation, when brought in jtixta position with the science of a rope-dancer! Mr. Stoker soon discovering that it was an unpleasant position for the blood to circulate through the human form divine, that wonderful work—"Finxit in efligiem modurantum (tunas, deorunt"--than he hastened to regain his former position, which lie effected without even dislocating a limb, and recommenced his operations with Itself-complacency, which plain ly demanded of the spectators--" Ladies and gen tlemen, what do yon think of me 2" After various feats of surprising agility he arri ved at the acino of the exhibition—the be all and the end all—which was to hang himself by the neck. It was with filially that 1 could prevent Mr. DuMps from making another ridiculous dis play of his excited feelings as he beheld bins ad justing the noose tirOltlld that ticklish part of the human frame. Having fixed it to his satisfaction,' he set his swing in motion, and wilco at the height he slipped from his seat, and to the inexpressible delight of all true admirers of the sublime and bea tiful, there he was, sus. per. col., as natural as life —no fiction, but the trite thing, hanging dingle dangle. A shriek of horror burst from the unin itiated, but Dyditutts, a true admirer of the beatt tics of nature, in the ecstasies of the moment, sprang to his feet, and clapping his bony hands, shouted in a sepulchral voice. " Beautiful! wonderful Encore, encore ! Do it again !" "'lithe rope had broke," suggested the boy sea ted beside Dydinuts, "the laws of the land would compel him to do it again, if it was the real thing and no gammon—the people's majdsty is not to be trifled with on such oceasions-Lbut by the lase of the play-house, if you are dissatisfied, your only redress is apply to the box-office for the return ,f your shilling. You couldn't •expect a man to himself' all night to procure the means of get thig a breakfast in the morning." " You be—dashed," exclaimed Dytlimus, Mop- _ el ° c ft r ting from a sense of decorum a different word from that which was uppermost in his thoughts, but the expression of his countenance plainly indicated, that he by no means intended to mollify the asper ity of his denunciation by the change of a conso nant. The showman coincided in opinion with the mis chievons persecutor of Mr. Dumps, and according ly after hanging long enough to satisfy any reason able spectator, he manifested his disinclined% to terminate his illustrious career in this ridiculous manner, and scrambling up the rope as gracefullly as circumstances would admit, he regained a posi tion of comparative security, The breathless sus pense that had prevaded the theatre during his sus pension, was succeeded by an unanimous burst of applause, which made the sounding-board in the dome vibrate with ecstasy, and the hero of the night having made his obeisance with a solemnity becom ing the important occasion, withdrew from the scene of his triumph, as full of the conceit of dig nity as Sancho Panza when installed governor of Barataria. And this is fame. "Sepiterno nand nebitur." On leaving the circus I inquired of Mr. Dumps how he was pleased with the entertainment. "It is the very place forme," he replied. "lle escaped to-night miraculously, but I shall live to see that fellow hanged yet.. 1 shall purchase a sea son ticket to-morrow morning, and attend regular ly until some mischance puts a check to proud am bition." ‘' You certainly would not be present at such n melancholy occurrence?" • "He is bound to le banged. His death-warrant is already signed and sealed, • and there is no rea son why I should not enjoy the exhibition as well as another. If reasons were as plenty as black berries you could not give me one." He accordingly purchased a season ticket, and became a constant attendant at the circus, is ex pectation of witnessing some appalling accident, but after wasting much time in this way, and noth ing serious occurring, he became dissatisfied, for though hanging he admitted to be a very rational amusement for a week or so, yet by constant rep etition it was deprived of its stimulating prOperties, until it dwindled to a mere burlesque upon the impressive sublimity of the real thing. "I despise humbug," said Hydimas in conclu sion, "and sat . never again cross the door of a circus." Some months after I walked with him along a street, when his attention was 80,10114 arrested by an of gan-grinder and an immense placard, which exhibited in wood-en's humanity; more brutal than the ravenous animals over which by the first law man had been placed us the shepherd, and in blood red characters was emblazoned the attractive ad- vcrtisemott— "Tito Horrors of the Inquisition Illustrated." " There is something to be seen here," exclaim ed Mr. Dumps, "which will enlarge the . mind of the uniaitiated, As regards the progress of hymn and Christianity in the civilized world." " The quackery of charlatans to aggravate the diseased imagination of ignorance, at the moderate price of a shilling a dose." " You are skeptical, but observe sir, the illustra tions aro said to be by the best artists, and there is a full description in print of each particular ease— ' and by the best authors. You would not doubt what you see in print 1" " Certainly not, if printed on hot-pressed vellum with ti spacious margin. Swallow the Talmud :Ind the Koran, and all the elaborate lueuhrations of _ insane philosophers that repose on the dusty shelves of every well selected library, and your cranium will soon become a more miscellaneous menagerie than nature originally intended to con fine within so limited a compass; a sort of rotating kalcidescope, where beautiful images have but a momentary existence, crumble in giving place to others more attractive, and no power on earth can ever reproduce them." Dyilimus paid little attention to my remarks, but wan intently reading the various placards stre'ved about like bills cif fare to stimulate a morbid appe tite, when a man approached and invited him in, at the same time assuring him that he could not fail being pleased—" As it was the most diabolical exhibition over presented to a Christain comum nity." " Enough !" lte exclaimed, throwing himself into the attitude of Hamlet, in his first interview with.. his father's shadow, clad in a coat of mail—which incorporeal vestment must unquestionably have been reduced to pig-iron, if there was any truth in the statement of the ghost as to the temperature of the regions whence he bad ascended, and theghost ' was an honest ghost—Trueponny could not lie— "Go on," said Dytllmus iu a sepulchral tone—"(lo on, I'll follow you." We entered an apartment which had been care fully fitted up to represent the infernal regions, and was doubt:. • as accurate in the main, as the descriptiol Dante, Qoevedo, Runyan and others who • published theirtravels to that in , wresting eount:',' ,t1 . ,,, ge is the ineonsisten ,ey of man, who lively pays to understand the fabricated accounts of impudent impostors, when he has a reliable promise, reiterated once a week,, that he has already commenced his journey there, and will shortly witness the real thing without fee • or reward. Mr guide, perceiving the astonishment of Dydi- IMF, Mined to him and remarked hi a lachrymose and nasal tone, which would have elicited tears from monumental alabaster, upon which no tears had over been shed : "Alt, sir ! I see you have a soul to enjoy' these matters. Man who 'was placed as the pastoral protector of all animated nature, becomes the ty rant, and finally directs his inhumanity to man, and makes—'' VOL. XV,--NO. 50. "0.! Born the quotation., I an, in pursuit of facts and not ethics—go on with your show, and let me Understand what entertainment you can afford nu inquiring mind." "Look you here, sir," continued the showman, "and observe the operation of this wheel. This gentle motion delicately disengages. the thigh bones from the sockets—and this dislocates the arms—never was there invented a snore perfect piece of mechanism—this is the exact eXpression while the wheel was in this position. The por trait was taken from life—or rather between life and death, by Albert Darer—an exceedingly clever sketcher in his day, and wonderfully endued with a proper appreciation of the fantastic and horrible. By this Motion, sir, the chest, you ob serve, is considerably elevated, but so gradually as not to give any sadden shock to physical endu rance, until by this additional turn of the wheel we dislocate the spine. Leery thing complete, you perceive, sir. Take a turn at the crank, and you will see how systematically it operates." " Beautiful !" exclaimed Mr. Dumps. "Equal to a modern corn-shells❑ Man's talent for me chanics is wonderful ! Even in his instruments of torture he manifesto reil n en - lent. That machine must have cost the ingenious inventor mueh'deep reflection before he could have rendered It so per fect. It moves like clock-work." " Beats it all to nothing," said the showman "for no ono Who has tried that. machine, ever stood in need of clock-work afterward. Here, sir, is the ingenious process of filling the bowels aim obstinate witness with water for the purpose of washing but the truth. If the proverb be correct,. that truth lies at the bottom of a well, the surest way to get at it is to fill a man's bowels with water and then putnp it tit, out of him." " to rine ?wiles, is n pioverb of equal nuthori ty," said Dydhlins . ; they should have tilled hint with wine. But truth bath many hiding-places and is hard to be discorered. " Look this way, sir. Here are two children whose feet were roasted to a coal in the presence of. their parents, and the instrument of torture in which they were confined. This is the exact ex pression of the countenance after ten minutes roasting; and this, after the lapse of half an hour: " If 'twere done when 'tis done, then 'twero well It were steno quickly.'" "Here is the punishment of the iron boot, cola bmted for being the most dreadful ever invented ; by which the bones in the legs are crushed and tho marrow forced from them." Thus he went on, describing the various modes of torture in the exhibition, and perceiving the in tetest felt by Mr. Dumps in his exaggerated nar rative of blended fact and fiction, concluded by informing hint that in the course of a few days he would have it in his power to afford him inexprez slide pleasure, for he hourly expected " The Virgin Mary and her hundred lances," so celebrated in the history of the infernal inquisition. Mr. Dumps continued his visits here for several weeks, to'study out the complicated machinery of the hundred lances with which the victim was transpierced, while expecting to receive a benedic tion and maternal embrace. Ile admired the re finement and htenanity of dispatching a wretch from this world when his mind was wholly occu pied with serious thoughts of another. Finally, even .this scene of complicated horrors, became "flat, stale and unprofitahle," and his mind could find no food to batten on but itself. He was now indeed a Melancholy man. I had missed him for some time, and on inquiry. learned that ho was dead. As his. departure from this mundane sphere swan rather unceremonious for a gentleman remarkable for his rigid observance of decorum, a coroner's inquest was hold to ascer tain the cause of his hasty exit, bat more cape daily to put money in that worthy officer's pocket. It appeared that on the evening previous to his death, his mind being mach depressed, he indulged to excess in his favorite mina of clams and stur geon, in order to keep np his spirits, from which some conjectured he had died of a surfeit, but as they found in his chamber a wheel-berro* load of the writings of modern French novelistS, a volume of which was open before him, one of the jury men exculpated the clams and sturgeon from all ptirticipation in the transaction, for, as ho remark ed, " Those books are a vast deal harder of diges , Lion, and in truth, if taken in large doses, would he enough to kill the—dickens." There was a difference of opinion in the minds of those juror. who flattered themselves they had minds, as to the cause of the death of nydhuus, and as they found it impossible to agree, they buried him without a verdict, and the county paid the coroner his costa. An APOLOOT.—oId Mr. 11—, who rebidea in a certain village in Alpine, and who is a mem ber of the church militant, got in a passion, - one lay, with Mt. M—, one of hisbrethren, and, a mong other naughty things, declared ho was not tit to carry swill , to the hogs;_ whereupon M-- had him arraigned beibre the church, on which oc casion he was requested to make an apology.— The proper time haringarrired, ll arose, and addressed the brethren .thllows : "M) ctn . Winn friends, I did feel that I have deep ly injured brother for which 1 ate heartily sorry. I did any he wits not tit to curry swill to: the ho g s, and I now take it back, being firmly of the opinion that be is amply qualified chat . . Erosomr.—A Dutch farmer down on the Me hawk had just built a new barn, and While:the op eration of Shingling was going on, he ono dew mounted to the roof to overlook operations, and soon discovered a great piece of extravagance in the workmen, and that wes, that while they drovo but o n o nail in the small shingles, they invariably put two in the large ones. Mynheer t.aid nothing, but while the boss and hands were at dinner, he went out to the Mum with botched in hand, ■nd spilt all the wide sh4Wes.