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7C:37%011.
PUBLISHED BY
THEODORE H, CREMER,
1. ‘4.I4CSAI:PEsZaaIo
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POET 7.7.
;80W TO DRAW.
; I can tell you, good people, there's none,
Na one
Be We nation, profession, or trade,
Or grade,
What it may, but will still have some paw
Or claw
To draw.
There's the painter, he'll draw put your eyes
Full size,
And take of the ears and the nose
Of those
Who hold up their je rte sais quoi
Of a jaw
To draw.
Then;the fiddler can draw along bow,
You know,
Play such chords with his strings, that the ear
Feels queer;
And, oh! then such sweet sons d'accords
Like Spahr—
He'll draw.
And the doctor draws too, for ouch thingal
Ho brings
As a blister and plaistcr. If foo'd,
He'll bleed
You with leeches, black things yon abhor,
That gnaw
And draw.
Common Pleas are uncommonly pleasing,
Though teasing,
To a lawyer, and chance-awry suit
To boot,
But hia brief is as long as his claw,
Yes ! Law
Can draw.
In the army are blades keen' or death
Beneath
Cracking shells, there are colonels all round
And sound,
'Their good swords, at the heads of tho crops--
In war--
They'll draw.
And the sailors draw too In their turn
You'll learn--
Like theirships, though they draw little water
Or quarter—
But'quick up in line for tho war--
Harm ! !!
They'll draw.
There's the actor with smirks and with smiles,
And wiles,
And gesture his jest-sure; he'll give,
To live,
Draw the scene, and he's seen with eclat :
Encore ! ! !
He'll draw.
Tradesmen all draw those worst of all ills,--
Long hills.
The professor draws cash where he can,
Poor man.
To the bank, others drive in landau,--
What for?
To draw.
E'en the dandy, to make himself thin,
Draws in
What the tapster, to make himself stout,
Draws out,
'Tis the waste that I mean—but pshaw ! !
No more,
For la!
Every jackass can draw.
UIEICataZaANMOUD.
THE FAIR CLIENT.
"I tell you once more," said Frank
Morton to his pretty little cousin Dora
Leslie—" Mrs. Leslie," indeed, she ought
to he written, for she was not only a wife
but a widow--" I tell you once more, you
might as well talk to a stick or a stone
about justice or mercy, as to old Fred
Linch. A stick or a stone,"—he repeat.
ed—" better—better ten times talk to
them on the subject than to him, for they
ware no semblance of humanity. You
expect nothing frotn stones and sticks.—
and —"
" I beg your pardon, Frank," interrup
ted the pretty widow, " I expect the stick
you are twirling about so vehemently will
break my lookig-glass."
" Paha !" ;Adeline(' the young man ;
"you may expect that—but What can you
expect from a pettifogging attorney 7"
" A great deal, Frank—an amount of
costs--a multiplication of falsehood—a
perversion of truth--a perplexing of facts
—a discoloration of objects--ruin as the
LiDes26., SEIO9
result—an ignorance as to common hon
esty—a proficiency in dishonesty— in
short, a combination of evil which no
other human being could gather together
—by which he lives and we die. You
have only to tell me that a man is a petty
logger, and I vanish ; and as to old Linch,
in addition to his bearing the plague•spot
of his profession,' forsooth, about with
him, smelling of parchments,.cf looking
latitats, he is old and ugly; so spare your
invectives, Frank, abridge your censure,
and just tell me what I can do in the mat
ter—paint, law in soot, and shall I swear
it to be snow?"
" Upon my word, I believe I had better
leave it to you, my dear Dora, to paint it
—your colors will not be over delicate,
nor your sketch couleur de rose. What
in the world has made you so bitter
against the men of law I"
"Psha!" she replied, laughing ; " don't
you know? ' A suit in chancery' bequea
thed me by my grandfather, and another
in 'the Pleas,' besides the disputed will
cause. "
" But you triumphed in the two last,
and sui ely there is a prospect of the chan
cery suit being brought to a conclusion."
" As to the triumph," replied Dora,
" the triumph simply was, that my law.
yers were greater rogues than those em.
ployed by my adversary, and so—l trium
phed ! I have nut the least objection to
continue the chancery suit ; I really think
it contributes to keep me in health—it
gives me excitement, something to think
of and to do ; something to vent my spleen
upon when I am splenetic,and my laughter
when lam mischievous. But you are not
so easily circumstanced. You, my dear
Frank, are of a peace-loving, gentle na
ture, and so seek peace, even with law--
nay, I think you would go a little farther,
and expect--love!"
" Really, Dora, you are too provoking,"
answered her cousin, while his cheek
flashed and his eyes sparkled. " You
know it is a matter of life and death with
me; you know that I love his niece with
my whole soul ; you know that by the
terms of jier father's will, she cannot
marry beffire she is of age without having
her uncle's consent—for if she does she
forfeits her inheritance, and she is now
only —"
"Nineteen," said Mrs. Leslie.
"No, Dora, only eighteen and three
months," replied the lover.
" What a wicked thing of fathers to
prevent their daughters becoming the prey
of mercenary spendthrifts," observed the
lady, jerking off her netting stirrup and
rolling it up with great deliberation.
" You know I am not mercenary ; nor
am I a spenthrift," he answered seriously.
"You look sharply after your fair one's
fortune, at all events," presiated Mrs.
Leslie.
"My own means would not give to
Anna the luxuries.or even the comforts
she has been accustomed to," said Frank
Morton, still more seriously. "And I
should, indeed, feel ashamed of myself if
I induced a young and affectionate girl to
abandon her birth-right and embrace com
parative poverty for my gratification. No
—if her uncle persist in refusing his con
sent, I have made up my mind to wait un
til she is of age—three years and nine
months I—three centuries of a lover's life.
I shall be an old man by that time."
" Nearly eight-and-twenty !" laughed
his cousin; " and Anna an old woman."
" Besides, there is no knowing what
may happen between this and then."
" Very true—you may tall in love with
some one else—nay, with half a dozen."
Impossible—quite-quite impossible,"
replied the lover, fervently.
Ah, Frank," said his cousin, with one
of her most mischievous looks, so you
told ME about twelve years ago, under the
cherry tree at Burnwood. You were a
great, lubberly boy, a week escaped from
a jacket, high shoes and nankeens, arid I
just going to be married, and my head di
vided between love of my trousseua and
love of poor, dear Leslie. You said then,
while the tears ran down—a-down your fat
cheek,that you were miserable, and should
never love any one but your Cousin Dora;
and you wrote some verses comparing my
heart to a black-heart cherry. I think I
have them somewhere, and will show them
In Anna as a specimen of your constacy.
You are certainly greatly improved since
then."
" I am sorry I cannot return the corn•'
pliment," said Mr, Morton, bowing; "and
as you only seem inclined to laugh at
what I lancied you might have sympathi
zed with, I will wish you good morning."
" Nay, cousin," exclaimed Mrs. Leslie.
" I did but jest. I thought you knew me
too well to mi e n(' my jesting. 'There—l
will not tell Anna, lest she should be
jealous of the first love-fancy of a boy of
fourteen for his cousin of four-and-twen
ty—twelve years ago to boot But this
Linch—this grit of granite in the wheel
°Hove, this hunks, this sweep-faced, hard
hearted curmudgeon—how shall I manage
him V'
He knows you very well. H you were
only to go and tell him how much we love
each other.
" You mean Anna and you, I suppose?"
said is. Leslie, unable to conquer her
desire for jesting.
"To he sure I do," he replied. " Just
tell him how devoted we are to each
other."
" No —that he would not care for."
" How respectably I am connected."
" That is nothiug to him."
" How happy we should be."
" Destruction at once to your suit.
Those who are not happy themselves never
promote the happiness of others."
" Well, then, how grateful we should
be."
" Gratitude bears no per tentage. 77cal
won't du•"
" I am sure I do not know what to say,
Dora, answered her cousin, who was any
thing but fruitful in expedients. " Ile
can make us happy, if he will, at once•--
it not, we will wait, and when the time
comes, be happy in spite of him."
" You throw me completely on my own
resources," said the widow ; " but the
first step is for me to become his client."
"A fair client, most certainly," an
swered her cousin. "But you have no
law-suit at present. You would not sure
ly turn your chancery business over to
his hands 1"
" No---certainly not."
" But you are not engaged in any law
suit ?" persisted Frank.
" No ; but I may he if I like, I suppose,
cousin mine. We manufacture our own
misery, why not our own law ?"
" But I confess I do not see what that
has to do with my marrying his niece."
" I do," she replied ; and wishing her
perplexed cousin good-morning, the lady
withdrew—returning the next moment to
add—" Now keep up your spirits, Frank;
do not do any thing desperate ; do not
even take an over dose of chan►pagne. I
remember when your love for me took a
despairing turn—you, boy-like, eat it of.
Your mother declared you spent a for.
tune in cheese-cakes. I feared you might,
in a spirit of manliness, endeavor to
drink this oft But do not, Frank; rely
upon me—l will put every thing en train
before the sun sets." And again she van
ished, leaving Frank Morton halt offen
ded, half amused, and most anxious as
to the result— comforted, nevertheless,
because ,he believed in the contrivance
and spirit of Mrs. Leslie.
There are a great many amiable, gentle
hearted men, who get through life to their
own credit and the comfort of others by
the aid of a fortune which places them
beyond the necessity for thought or exer
tion ; but if any event occurs, any obsta
cle is discovered which cannot be at once
overcome--in which something more than
money or connection is requisite; where
tact is even more necessary than talent—
it is in vain they turn to their banker's
book or seek precedents for conduct in a
like extremity. They are utterly at sea,
dashed from one billow to another, help
less as infants, and very apt to consider
themselves placed under circumstances of
straint and difficulty in which no one was
ever placed before. Poor Frank Morton
was perfectly amiable and gentle-hearted,
and ought to have been raised above the
necessity for exerting his wits—for cer
tainly his wits never would have exalted
him. He once considei ed "Cousin Dora"
the most lovely creature in the world, and
only changed his opinion to believe her
the most astonishing ; and like those who
never manufactured a project or have
what may be considered a genuine idea of
their on, n, was perpetually wondering
" how such odd things could come into
Cousin Dora's head ;" frequently indul
ged in reveries as to " how she came to
be so clever;' could not devise " what
her brain was made ol;" wished he " knew
the world but half as well," and so forth ;
and then remained content with wishing,
satisfied in his own mind that, do what he
would, he should never have the head of
Dora Leslie. In truth, the widow had
run away with the ready wit and inven
tion of the whole family, and in return
was always willing to exercise it for their
benefit and her own amusement; besides,
she really loved Frank as a brother, and
desired his happiness with more earnest
ness than she usually bestowed upon any
single object or person. A woman is al
ways interested in the fate of a cidevant
lover, particularly if she understands
human nature sufficiently not to be dis
pleased at a man's forgetting a first love
in a second, a third, a fourth, or even a
fifth i She could not have forgiven a
mere coquette—but Frank, poor fellow,
quite in earnest with the sentiment as long
as it lasted, and this made her esteem him
far above the love-seeming men of liishion,
who never feel, or if they do, whose feel
ing is affectation. She thought that a
union with Anna would make him happy,
that money is always an advantage in a
family, and she most particularly desired
to set her wit against what she called
English Linch law."
Mrs. Leslie drove up to Mr. Linch's
office in her carriage, and having learned
that he was at home, she took sundry let
ters and a parchment or two tied with the
" professional red tape" from her ser
vant's hands, and entered his sanctum.
Nothing could be more unpromising than
the opening of the campaign. It was evi
dent that the old man expected she came
to press her cousin's suit ; and upon every
wrinkle of his face was written " denial."
His mouth drawn into a hooting " No,"
his brow contracted, his feet firmly set
upon the ground, his hands rigid to the
very tips of his fingers, he looked as if
steeped in the very essence of perverse
ness; and not even when his fair client
commenced explaining the business upon
which site came did lie change ; nor was
the change sudden, despite her desire to
draw hint away from his suspicions. He
seemed to consider her the embodyment
of a proposal for his niece and her money,
and she hail gone a long way with her
"statement" before he forgot the uncle
in the attorney, and at last became oblivi
ous to all considerations,save the prospect
of a "suit at law." Slowly the muscles
of his mouth relaxed ; his features fell
into their usual places; his monosyllables
extended into penetrating inquiries—
every expression was set on the keen, cut-
ting, investigating edge of the law. He
rubbed his hands in perfect ecstacy when
Mrs. Leslie pointed out what, if not weak
point's in her adversary's cause, might,
by the usual inverted proceedings of a
" good man of business," be turned into
such ; and absolutely pressed Ater arm
with his vulture-like fingers, he as
sured her that nothing was nestled but to
bring the cause into court. She felt as if
her wrist was encircled by a viper ; but
she remembered her cousin, and her desire
to free Anna from the domination of such
a master increased tenfold.
It was at once evident to Mr. Linch,
that if what his fair client stated was
true, she would be entitled to a vast addi
tion to her income. As the very antici
pation of such an event trebled his respect,
she became—his " dear lady ;" and this
feeling rapidly increased when she en
treated him to keep their interview a pro
found secret, particularly from certain
members of tip: profession whom she
named, stating that she would leave the
entire conduct of the suit in his hands
without further anxiety. She managed
the interview with the skill and the grace
of an accomplished actress ; and the
shrewd attorney accepted an invitation
to dine with her the next day. Of course
Frank was not of the part; and the idea
that Master Lincb turned over and ova
;n his mind as he pranged his receeding
chin into his red comforter and journeyed
homeward, was- I wonder how she
came to think me honest 1 I never was
thought honest before ! She certainly
thinks me very honest," and he nestled
his chin still more deeply in the warm
red wool, and chuckled like a fiend over
the prospect of pillaging the fool who
could think him "honest." Ile let him.
self into his hall with his own latch key,
and struck a light ; but he had strange
dreams that night, and more than once
the bright eyes of the fair widow flashed
across his slumbers, and he felt as if struck
by lightning ; and then he thought that
strange reports had gone abroad concern
ing him—that rogues considered him
" honest," and honest men called him
" rogue ;" and that he lost all his prac
tice, scouted alike by both.
Frank became desperately impatient.—
An entire week had past, (a year of a
lover's life,) and to all his inquiries the
widow replied with badinage and laugh
ter. Iler intimacy with Mr. Linch grew
i a nine clays' wonder. On the
tenth day, the miser made a feast, and she
dined with him. Again he dined with her,
sod the next morning the fair and fail h
less client presented Frank with Mr.
Linch's written permission for his mar
riage with his (Mr. Linch's) niece. The
following day it was determined that the
lawyer and his niece. Frank Morton and
a few select friends, were to form a reu
nion round the widow's hospitable board.
Mrs. Leslie would answer no questions;
she confided the secret of her influence
to the most faithful of all counsellors—
herself ; and received Mr. Linch with a
graciousness--if the expression be per
mitted--peculiarly her own. tt most
strange change had passed over the attor
ney's outward man. But for the twink
ling of his cold, gray eyes, that glittered
like stars in frosty weather, and the croak
ing of his hard voice, you would have
scarcely recognized him as the brown
coated, shriveled dweller of the inns of
court. His features had expanded ;he
was dressed by a skilful tailor, and his
wig might have been envied by the royal
wig fancier of past days. The incorrigi
ble widow leaned almost lovingly upon
his arm; and after dinner, when she with
drew, consigned her table to his care.—
Frank could not make it out ; but that
was not much to be wondered at--he had
not what people call a " discovering
mind." Anna was almost as mystified
as Frank; but women, if they do not un
derstand at once, are given to regard
each other rather through a miscroscope
than a telescope, not drawing the object
much closer, hut getting at its exagger
ation. And little, gentle Anna, who
knew nothing of the world, thought she
could see through the veil of the woman
of the world. Quiet little Anna, much
as she had suffered she did riot like her
uncle's being made such a fool of. Her
eyes filled with tears more than once
when she noted time arch looks of her
lover's cousin, and heard the half-mur
mured derision that trembled on her lip.—
When she spoke to her of her nearest liv
ing relative, she owed him neither love
nor kindness, and when Frank was pres
ent, she was too happy to moralize; but
still, she thought that he was an old man ;
and when her father lived, and she was a
little child, she had often sat upon his
knee, while he cut her soldiers out of old
parchments. She remembered he was
kind to her then—never since, certainly ;
but then he was, and she dwelt upon that,
forgetting his unkindness until the harsh
tones of his grating voice, or the coldness
of his eyes when they looked on her, for
ced her to remember how much that is
harsh and cruel can be forced into a few
short years.
It was evident to Frank Morton that his
cousin was wearying of the toils she her
self hail woven. The novelty of het• po
sition bewitching what she loathed ; the
metamorphosis that witchery hail wrought
on the old man ; the necessity for bringing
the matter to a speedy termination, ren
dered her more restless, more capricous,
more teazing and tormenting than usual ;
and when she withdrew her cousin into
one of those shut-up sort of obscurities,
ballroom, half closet, which ladies in
their fantasy drape in pink calico and
coarse muslin, and then pronounce it a
boudoir, he thought the spell would have
been broken, the mystery explained to
his entire satisfaction—but he was quite
at fault.
Frank," said Mrs. Leslie, "You must
manage to marry Anna within a week—
within three days, in fact. I am tired to
death of Linch, and want to get to
Brighton. He may revoke, so get married
at once, and then you have his consent to
plead ; but it must be .vithin three days.
It was shay amusing at first, but I can•
'0 o 'l3aciDncE) z). 41Z)V,.
not keep it up. I Ina et avoid ' t rying hilts
again until the knot is tied."
- Mrs. Leslie yawned and remained si
lent. Frank took her advice, and pleaded
his cause—Vie cause of bolf.--,1, success
fully with Anna, that the ceremony was
performed, and confessed, a few hours
afterwards, on ()ended k nee to the ladv's
uncle. Mr. Linch was very angry. Ills
fair client had not received his visits or
replied to his notes duirrig the last two
or three days ; and, de,ermined to lit:
both heard and seen, he a Isnost forced hi,
way into the little pink boudoir. She held
out one hand to greet him, and covered
her face with the other in a half-coquetish
sort of way, as if ashamed of her ttnaughti
ness."
" I knew you would forgive them,"
she said. " And after all, it could not
make much ildierence to you, for they
could have waited ;and you only lose the
turning of the money for three years."
The old man shuddered at the loss,
but endeavored to turn it off with a con.
plimentary phrase or two, that came out
very s:owly. lie evidently determined
to avoid that subject, but cling to tlie
other, and rushed into the intricacies of
the projected suit at law, with as much
zeal and activity as if it had been the op
portunity of his life for legal distinction.
" lie hail," he said. "'taken counsel's
opinion upon the statement she commit
ted to his care, preserving the secrecy she
had enjoined as to name, and avoiding
those in the pofession whom she had de
sired him to avoid. From all that passed,
he felt assured that in a short time ho
should have to congratulate her on a
splendid addition to her income; and he
hoped she would remember the gratitude
which she said must be felt towards him
who had the good fortune to advise and
direct her proceedings."
The speech was set and clear enough,
but the positive faltering of the old man's
voice, the memory of a blush—of a pur
ple tone, certainly, but still a blush—that
overspread his features, and the earnest
ness of his last words, would have led to
the belief that Cupid had really been at
his pranks, and added another to his list
of ancient fools—hard, world grubbing,
• musty fools, surprised into a feeling whose
very existence they had disbelieved for
three-score years, and which revenged
itself by pranking the withered tree in
the mocking garlands of sunny May.
It really was something to make Mrs.
Leslie feel embarrassed : something to
see her pause or a reply ; something to
perceive that perplexity was as new to her
as was love to Mr. Linch ; and for once
that to her capricious nature novelty fail
ed to be delightful. At last she said—
" I hope, my good sir, you will forgive
the little jest I ventured to practice urnr:
you, just for the purpose of making those
young people happy. I told you I had a
suit at common law, and a disputed will
cause, and you were so good as to feel
greatly interested therein. You saw at
once how just my causes were."
"Certainly, certainly," repeated Mr.
Linch.
The documents I showed you were
the documents that accotnpanid my suits
into court. Upon them I received my
verdicts, and I have the satisfaction of
seeing that you quite agreed with what
has been done. The fortune you promis
ed me I have enjoyed these ten years !
I sought to interest you in my own affairs
that you might—in short, that you might
take pity upon your niece, or rather, I
should say, render her JusTrcE! Frank's
eloquence and her tears had alike failed
to produce the desired effect, and I sought
to gain a temporary influence over you by
the temptation of a double law-suit."
Mr. Linch trembled from head to foot.—
At last he exclaimed—
•• Worse than that, madam, worse than
that. There was another temptation you
(lid not disdain to hold out--the possess
ion of that hand, madam ; of that hand,
upon which, the very last time I saw you,
I counted eleven rings, and all of value."
The widow could not resist the climax
She laughed mightily, and became quite
herself when the old gentlman threatened
to sue her for breach of promise of mar
riage. instead ofendeovuring to dissuade
him from it or showing its absurdity, she
(lid all she could to urge him to bring the
action immediately. "I really," she said
" did not think you were half so great a
darling as you are. line will do so at
once, 1 will put (Army journey to Thighs
ton. It would be a fresh celebrity, a re
newal of my youth;—and then the evi•
deuce, and the cause of my hoaxing you
—so romantic And you pleading the
excess of your tender passion for me to
the positive loss of the use of Anna's for
tune fur three years, and being induced
to give your consent in exchange for the
pickings of two lawsuits. Only fancy:"
Hut Mr. Liuch did not bring an action
—he did not even charge the widow with
the fee he had paid for counsel's opinion.
He abandoned his new finery, resumed
his old suit, withdrew his forgiveness from
his n:ece, and registered a vow in West
minister Hall to have nothing more to do
with FAIR CLIENTS I