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I!. Scunlnn, ATT 0 II X E Y AT L A W . jVr-ri'-K OX MAIN STitKET, TIIUFF. 5 lu!( .RS KAsT "F the LOGAN HOUSE. i T. .i.... i j R. L. Johnston. G ko. Oatman. ATTORNEYS AT LAW. F.hi i:.-Lur CV.tiAn'.H Cunty Penna. i ' FFI( E IJEMOVEI) T( T.I.fivn T ( in il.nr West of lil L. J .lni!ti.n's 1 i'itnee. I Dec. 4. 1801. I v. . lUl!N FEXLON, Esq. Attornkt at ' I. aw, Eh(!iisburg, Cambria county Pa. I Oflicfi on Mtiiu stieet aiii)iiiiijc his dwe! ix 2 J o J) S. NOON, attorvkv at law. KiEXsnrnr, (mmhiti n, pa t e ,i,e door East of the Post Office. p ito. 18, 18C3.-tf. Q.KURGEM. KEED, EDEX.SUURG, i? n .- . n j.. r "FnCE IN COLON A DE P0V March 13. 18G4. rftllCHAEL HASSON, Esq. Attorney f at Law, Eoen-bur;. Cambria Co. Pa. li On'nce on Main street, three doors East f Julian. ix 2 f W. HICKMAN. B. F. HOI.I- C. W. HICKMAN &L CO.. U Wholesale Dealers in " MANUFACTURED TOBACCO. I !1ZIGNT AND DOMESTIC SEGARS. E. COA. THIRD & MARKET STREET. PHILADELPHIA. August 13. 18C3.-!y. fi-'iiof rsT fin n t JS Jaiuzi;0 0 1 iff ?,0I SO 'aiajvwoHiij. I a vo an II AV Fh vraaiaavnH j i,s2hoih r rient. An Office on Cent ra fit r: 'PT orth of Esq. Kinkead'g office! pw&tun given immediatelv. JOSEPH M'DOSALD. THE BLESSINGS OF GOVERNMENT, LIKE "SHistcHaiuoui. Tlic lroresur tarrying a Cook. Some years since, when I was in col lege, we Lad amongst our "faculty," a curious personage, whom every one re garded with considerable respect, and yet as a character sui generis. lie had lived many years without a wife, nnd expected to live so alwaj's. Indeed as he was the professor of mathematics, the abstraction of his science forbade his indulging in the idea of getting married. To the female sex, therefore, he showed no other regard than common, politeness required. His character was purely negative. Of course he was not popular with the ladies, and they kept themselves at a distance from him. But circumstances that often bring about a match in other cases, placed him in a peculiar dilemma. It seemed a whim that a necessity- was laid upon him to get married. He was one of the faculty of the College all the other professors were married and obliged to entertain the dis tinguished vit-itors of the Institution. He had always lowiled. Of course it wasn't never expected of him that he fehould ever give a party or dinner. But it beg cn to be regarded as rather mean in him to shirk of this matter irom year to year, and, " well oil as he was pecuniarily, to throw upon the other members of the iacultv the cost and trouble of entertaining the sje cial liiends and patrons of the College. The question, was, therefore, frequently asked : ' Why doesn't the old miser entertain some of the distinguished visitors that visit us V Now, our professor wasn't a miser at all and it often troubled him to think he was situated tlmt he couldn't bear his part of the burden. And yet, w hat could he do? Must he get married ? And if so, to whom ? He had no special regard for any one in the vicinity ot the college and no one had any special regard for him. hi his younger daj'S he ha 1 seen at school a young lady in the city of New York, in whom fie had a peculiar interest. But of her he hadn't heard for years. Doubtless before this time she was married, or in ht-r grave. Possibly, however, she was still living and waiting for him ! Glori ous thought! He was quite relieved at it, though, h deed, there might bo no foun dation for his relief. Nevertheless, he could ni:.ke due: inquiry. Nor could he long delay for coanncneeiucnt day was at hand, only a lew weeks oiF. It was his turn, or rather would be if he was mar ried, to give the great dinners to the dis tinguished personages who would be pres ent on the occasion. There would be the Governor of the State, and his lady the trustees of the Institution and th"ir friends, and others of equal repute. But w ho should be master of ceremonies 1 And who should "race the table ? lie could square the circle perhaps, but such a circle as this, what could he do with it ? If he were only married, what a helpmeet would his wife be at such a time. And yet, his wife must be a good looking, in telligent, and accomplished lady ; other wise the blank would be a blot 1 Now there was a young lady in the neighborhood that the professor thought might answer. He had seen her at his boarding house, and spoken to her once or twice. " But, she may say no," and if she did, " where in creation," thought he, " could I hide my head ! And then what would become of the dining ?' The Governor must have a dinner and he must have a wife. And hence he lay awake about it all night. At last us the morn ing broke he cried out to himself, "Con tempt !" She will say no, will she ! Other men have lived through it, and I shall. If not, I shall have a-clear con science about the dinner, and a clear con science is the main thing after all ! I will write a note to Miss A. any way. ft may be be she will regard it favorably. So the professor sat down and wrote a note to Miss A. "Stay a minute," said lie to himself, " what will the Governor think of the lady ? She is handsome and polite, but can she converse ? Can she entertain company?" "Doubtful," said he to himself, " very doubtful ;" and so he tore up the note. Alas ! for a man on the verge of matrimony ! In an hour or two, however, the Professor called on the President and said : " I should, like to be absent for a few days.?" "Ah!" said the President, "just at this time?" " Yes sir, I have my classes in readi ness for the examination, and I wish to go to New York. " Has any death occurredrin the fami ly," aid the Freefdent. THE DEWS OF HEAVEN, SHOULD BE EBENSBURG, PA. WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 21, 1864. "No, sir, said the Professor, " but I have a little matter of business that re quires my immediate attention, and I thought it best to go." "You have my best wishes," said the President, " and may you return safely and not alone." The Professor almost smiled, but blush ed rather than sffrtted, and left the Presi dent, and hastened to New York. His first inquiry on his arrival there, was for Miss Adeline G. the young lady whom he had seen some years before, at school, as we have mentioned. " Why," said the respondent, " the family has been reduced, and she is a cook. Perlnps you don't know it sir?" " A cook !" said he, " that is just w hat I want !" "Oh!" said the lady, "we thought you wanted something else possibly." "No, I have I wen half starved to death since 1 lelt iew l ork, and I want ! some one to cook decently." " Well, she can do that, for she scarce ly has her equal in that line in this city. Why, sir, she is a cook, jxtr cj-rci'etcc." " And how does she look ?" " She is the handsomest cook in this city, too." " Not quite that, I presume," said the Professor, " but is she intelligent ? I speak confidentially." " Intelligent! She is indeed she can comerse like an angel." " And as to manners. Is she accom plished ?" " As graceful as an actress." " When can I see her?" " At eight o'clock this evening." " Couldn't I see her In-fore that hour?" I think that would be the most con venient time for her to call, and to sec you. She will be engaged in her duties till then." " I will wait then. Please to tell her that Professor Mack, of Virginia, wishes to see her an old acquaintance of hers ?" "Shall I tell her that you wish to en gage a cook !" 'You may tell her that I wifeh to see her," said the Professor. "What name did yon say?" " Professor Mack, of V ligiina, il please, madam." you An evcrlastin; lonsr dav was before 1 him and he had nothing to do ; not a problem to solve, except ihe one in hand, and that was one of doubtful solution. Kight o'clock at last came, and he Professor called auain to see the young lady- "A cook, indeed!" said the Professor to himself; she is a splendid woman fit to grace any parlor in the world !" But how in creation should he make known his business ( Poets, they say, begin in the middle of their story ; but professors of mathematics, where do they begin? Finally, said the suitor, "Miss G., how would you like to go tp Virginia ?" "To Virginia!" said she as if surpri sed. "Are you not mistaken in the ier son whom you wished to see ?" "No, no'" said lie, "don't you rc mem!cr when we both attended school in Franklin street ?" "Oh," said she, "it is George Mack I remember you well ; why, I didn't know that you were alive!" " And I have never forgotten vou." Ah indeed, you are very kind to remember me so long ! I thought ever' one had forgotten me in my calamities." " People often think they are overlook ed when trials overtake them ; but it is for you to say that your present trials are at an end." " Professor Mack ! what do you mean? Why I am a more " "If you have had reverses I have had success, and have the means of making j you comfortable in life. . "But you do not know my circumstan- j ccs now, for I wouia not uecvive you, " It does not concern me what you are now, but what you are willing to le." " But I hve an aged mother Profes- sor. And I w ish to have one ; she can go, too." Matters were foon arranged as to time, place, and cermony, and this being over the party were off for Virginia the Pro fessor pleaded that he had solved the matri monial problem so easily, and the lady that she was no longer at the world's bid ding. In tho country of Virginia great ado is made for a newly married couple. Of j course much was expected in the case of j the Professor. But some " bird in the air" carried the story in advance, that Professor Mack had married a cook I What lady then would call upon her ? What society could the F. F. V's of Vir ginia have with a cook ! But the Presi dent advised his wife to call upon her out of decency, at least. If tb professor had DISTRIBUTED ALIKE, UPON THE manned a cook, why, he didn't know any better. A 11 that he knew was how to solve problems in mathematics. Besides, he might not have married a cook, or if he had he was well off in one respect he could have a good table. " Pshaw !" said the President's lady, " what does a person care about a table in comparison to caste in society r " Caste in society will do well enough," he replied, " but since we must eat to live, a well roasted turkey is better than a fried diicken, and a short biscuit than a ash-cake ! And what does an epicure care for cermony ? A good cup of coffee is Utter." " Y'ou are no Virginian, husband, otherwise you would never say that, for any body knows that nobility in a log cabin is better than a cook iu a palace!" wen, can on me iauy ana see theories are often good for nothing, whilst ! practice is the sum of perfection !' i The Presidentess called and was j amazed the cook was much her superior ! and she felt it. j The other officers' ladies having heard ' that the President's wife had railed on Mrs. Mack, were obliged according to cus- i torn to follow suit. They, too, were dis- ! appointed for the New York lady hadn't : lived in a city iu vain. In mind, in man- ! ner, in accomplishment, she outranked ! them all ! Besides, in respect to family i she was not at all inferior her father , having had fortune once and lost it. ! Commencement day was now near at ! hand, and the great dining was to come ; off at the professor's. Nor was Mrs. ; Mack at all disconcerted about it. She ! had seen a thing or two before, and was j fully confident in her own iibilitip to meet ; Hie exigency. I Wla n lime arrived, all eyes were fixed J on Mrs. Mac!:. IIeiv would she appear ; in the preseneo of the Governor of-Vir-g;.r:i:i ? How in the presence, of the Pro- I lessors pud the President. And what sort j of a table would she set, i-tid how would j she grace it ? Could she go through it j wiih dignity ? j Of course a!l this was enough "to try ! men's soul's, but Mrs. Mack was perfect- j Jy at home. ! In etiquette in conversation in the I arrangement ot ad the eireumsfanciah? and i ! in " the formalities of the occasion she j showed herself equal to the duties devolv i ing upon her; and evidently interested the Governor very much by her powers of conversation. "What a charming lady," said he to his wife, "is Mrs. Mack! and what a table has she set ! How well she graces it ! " My dear husband," said she, " do you know she is a New York cook whv, she has been u mere servant for many years !"' 44 I know nothing about that," said he, " but if she was, I wish every other lady was a servant and a New York cook, too. We should have something to cut then, my dea r, besides fried chickens and ash cake." " All men are not epicures like you, Govei nor." i.0 but if they were they would imitate the mathematical Professor, and go to New York to get a wife. A man wouldn't be compelled then to go to a saloon to get a decent dinner! He could rind one at home now a great variety." mm Zr- . Jaw-iu;kkkiis. In a poem by Hoff In a man, the German poet, who was expelled from the Prussian dominions, and the ad mission of his works prjhibited, the fol lowing huge word apjears : " Steuerver erweigerungverfassuiigsiuassinborechtigl," meaning a man who is exempt by the constitution from the payment of taxes. We ourselves have heard of a gentle-man, a member of the Marrionettenschauspiel hausongcsseliscluift, who was said to be an excellent performer on the Constanti napolitanischedudelsackpfeife. Adam Slonaker, a numtcr of years ago, came to Huntingdon Furnace, and seeing there for the tirst time a pair of snuffers he asked : What's them fur V To snuff the candle. The candle just then needed attention and Adam with his thum and finger pinched off the snuff, and carefully poked it into the snuffers, saying: We'd now, them's handy.' " lienevolence," said Sidney Smith, in a charity sermon, "is a sentiment common to human nature. A never sees B in distress without wishing C to re lieve him!" Kochefocault never 6aid a more brilliant thing than that, nor one more sarcastic. G3- " Hurrah for. the girls of '76!" " Blawst me!" said an Englishman, " that's too plaguey old. Horay for the girls 17! t" HIGH AND THE LOW, THE RICH AND THE POOR. Steve Conaui'M Courtship. I once called on my friend, Steve Co nant, and while there the conversation turned on courtship ; and at my request the old gentleman told me an incident iu his love affairs, which I give in his own words : " Wall", seeing it's you, I don't mind telling about a scrape that hapjened to me when I was courting Nancy here. That is something that I never toll any body. Dut ye shall hear it !" " No don't Steve," broke in the old woman. m. juu .n t ut,i io near u, you may go out Uoora so hear goes! was nigh about twenty-one I here all alone, and built lue a hadn't a naber nearer than live ye see, I didn't quarrel much ; Vi n I came cabin. miles. up 1 so but as it grew to be near winter, I got kinder lone some, and begun to think that 1 ought to have a woman to keep me company ; so one moining I started down to I-nway, to take a look at the girls, to see if I couldn't find one to suit me. When I got down to tbe settlement I asked a young chap if he knew of a g'ui that wanted to get married, and he told me he guessed that Nancy Knox di.l, and if I wanted a wife, 1 had better try and hitch on w ith her ; and he said that if it was agreeable, lie would go to Deacon Knox s and make me acquainted with Nancy, and he was as good as his word, and twasn't an hour before Nancy and 1 was on the best of terms. Afore night 1 hired out with Mie Deacon for ten dollars a month, half of the pay to be taken in prouaee, ana me rest in eie:ir easii, aua i was to work a!l w inter. " Waii, for about t.vo months I felt a a ihjusu in tievv t-heese. I courted Nancy every Sunday night, and I was determ ined before another week, to pop the ques tion, and I hadn't a bit of doubt b;;t what Nancy would be ovei joyed at be coming my bosam companion. Wall, about this time there come a feller from one of the lower towns to keep school, and he had'nt been there inore ii a w eek afore I found he hai a natural hankering al ter Nancy ; an 1 worst of all tho old Deacon, who seemed mighty phased at the thoughts of my courting his gal, be gun to kinder cool off, as it he would like the sol.ooliiiusie-r bc-tle-i- lur a So:i-in-ia'iV, and it m ade me feci kinder du. n in the i.i , i i lip. I can teil vou. Wall, on one Sunday night, Bill Smith, i for that was the peaky critter's name, came iu just at dusk, and when the clock ! struck nine, he didn't seem to go. Old Mrs. j lvnox and the young uns all went to bed, j and there were none left but the old Dea j con, Bill, Nancy and J, and I kept "spect- ing every minute that he would show Bill ! to bed, but he did no such thi.e but and 'just as the clock struck ten he lis up i ses he : j "'otevc let's go to bed, for we must be j up bright and aiily to have them tie logs I to the river." j " Wasn't that a hint, eh ? I looked j at Nancy, but she turned away her Led, and at this I got up the ladder to bed. 1 i was boiling over ma I with all creation j Bill, Nancy, and the Deacon in particular. . I got into bed and 1. iveied myself up, ; but I felt so bad i couldn't go to sleep. '. Like as not, the schoolmaster was i.ug- sling ai id kisM; ing Naiicy down in tiie ! kitchen, and 1 couldu t sliet my eyes for the lite of me. Wail, all at once it oc curred to me that there were some big cracks in the lloor over the kitchen, and I could watch an 1 see all that was going on below ; so out of bed I got, and crawled along close to the chimney on all fours, and finding a big crack, I looked down through. Bill and Nancy were set;inT about two feet apart though every now aud then Bill would hitch bis chair a lit tle nearer to her. llovv I could have choked that man ! I watched them for about a quarter of an hour and by that time I was near about froze, as it was an awful cold night, and I hadn't a rag on except my two shirts. By and by Bill hitched his chair a little closer, and I could see that fie had made up his mind and was just going to kiss her. How it riled me ? But 1 was bound to see it through, so I moved a little nearer to get a better view, and at that moment the plank tipped up, and down I went ker- j chunk and landing between Bill and ' Nancy. Bill thought for once that old Nick had come, and streaked it out of j Uoors; ana as lor rvancy, sue gave one look, and then covered up her face with her apron. I started out of tho kitchen as quick as you could say scoot, and as I was going up the ladder, I heard old Mrs. Knox holler: " Nancy, scoot the cat down, or she'll break every dish on the dresser !" "The next morning when she went out V) milk I popped th epiestion to Nancys VOL. 11 NO. 50 I and she said she would have me. fur sho ! didn't care a cent for Bill Smith, and wo have been married forty years cum next i June." Political I-reaclunsr Cured. A Congregational Church, in a neigh boring State, got so completely enlisted, in the Presidential contests, that littl attention was given to religious ques tions. The minister was constantly preaching, praying and exhorting upon political issues, and his deacon and lay men followed suit at the prayer and con ference meetings. Finally a worthy old farmer, one of the staunchest nud best members ot tne cnurcn, anu a nrm, un deviating Democrat, was called upon to offer a prayer. "O, Lord," said h-, "uphold the Democratic party, which has received thy sup.poit ever since the great Jetiersonian struggle. Continue to bless that party which has under thy protection and provi- dv ne e, brought great blessings upon this ! republic. If it be thy pleasure, and I : believe it will be, oh carry that party ' through this great struggle to a complete ; success. Oh, bless the opjionenls of De mocracy personally, but utterly destroy , their fanatical and injurious schemes, if it 1 be thy will to do so, as I verily believe it ; is. Be on the side of Democracy, O Lord, as thou hast been, and in their i peaceful pursuits, instead of wnin wickedly, man against brother. And, j oh, I beseech thee especially to free tho j CI.: iMian-chu.cht s from the political srrifo ' and bitterness which are rending them : asunder, destroying their usefulness and j turning them unhappily into mere Oiitical ' assoeiatioua Let us hear something of ; thy word and mercy on the Sabbath, i We have already been p!Ld to fullness j with political fanaticism, ar.d our minister has become a stump orator against thu : good old party which thou, in thy w'uJt m, haih upheld so long, and J repealo.l'y ; gui 1 ed to ictory, and sustained, iu tho ; establishment of sound measures. Oh, i turn his mind from these things, and Ji j rect his attention to the li intimate reli ; gious duties, or turn him over directly in the hands of the Abolition party, and let them take ca:e of him!" and provide us a true minister of the Gospel. At any rate the present condition ot things cannot last. If politics are to rule, I shall claim one half of the time in behalf of the Demo cratic party, so that there may be a fair discussion within these walls. Amen." This was u stumper. It was the tirst prayer ever publicly olll-red in that church for the success of the Democratic party, -and its nominees, though hundreds f prayers and t-xhorta ions had been made against the party. When the old man fiui.-hcd there was a silence of half an hour, and the meeting tben adjourned. And thus ended the jolitieal preaching in that church, from that time forward, the rniiii.-ter attended to his Gospel duties and left all political questions to be settled by the people outside the church. Again tho society prosjHsred and there was a le?ier feeling among its members more Chris tian charity, more brotherly love. Tho c!d man's earnest prayer was answered in .more respects than one. ; C-g The following letter was sent bya man to his son at college : v " I write to send you some new socks which your mother has knit by cutting down some of mine. Your mother sends you ten pounds without my knowledge, and for fear that you would not spend it wisely I have kept back half and only send you five. Your mother and I are well, except that your sister has gct the measols. I hope yon will do honor to my teaching; if you do not you area donkey, and your mother and myself are your af fectionate parents." er Tom, whom did your friend tnar- p " Well he married 40,000. her other name. I forgot j Josh Billings deposes among other ' good things, 'that yer kant judge a man hi his religion eny more than yer can ; judge his shirt by the sizo ov tho LoIIar ' and ristbands." j . , C3 A lady who sings in a choir, says she will marry a small man, because short meter u'ms are the easiest to get along with. I i K?- " Madame " said a irentleman to his wife. " let me tell you, facts ro vary ! stub!wrn things." j " Dear me, Vou don't say so," quoth the lady. " What a fact you must be I" j . j Why has a clock always a bash- fid appearance? Because it keep it hand lxrfore ?ts ac A e n
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