Newspaper Page Text
I'm Growing Old
BY JOIIIst 0. SAYS
My days prism pleasantly away,
My nights pass blessed with sweetest sloop;
I feel no symptom of decay,
I have no cause to moan and weep;
My foes are impotent and shy,
My friends are neither false nor cold,
And yet, of into, I often sigh—
I'm growing old!
Atp glotving talk of olden times,
My growing thirst for early newe,
My growing apathy to roytnes,
My growing lovo for easy shoos,
My growing hate for crowds and noise,
My growing fears of taking cold,
All toll ma in . ehe plainest voice—
I'm growing old I
I'm growing fonder of my staff,
I'm growing dimmer In my eyes,
I'm growing fainter in my laugh,
I'm growing deeper In my sighs,
I'm growing careless in my dress,
I'm growing frugal of my gold,
I'm growing wise, I'm growlcg,--yea—
I'm growing old
Ah, me, my every laurels breathe,
The tale to my reluctant ears;
And every boon the hours bequeath.
Out \makes me debtor to the years;
E'en Flattery's bottled words declare
The secret sbe should fain withhold,
And tells mo in 'flow young you are I"
I'm growing old I
Thank for the years Whose rapid flight
My sombre muse so sadly Mtge;
Thanks for the gleams of golden light
That tint the darkness of their wings;
The light that beams from out the sky,
Those heavenly mansions to unfold;
'Where all aro blest, and none may sigh ;
•' I'm growing old!"
WHAT IS THE USE ?
What Is the use of trimming a lamp
If 3ou never Intend to IhrLt It!
What lo the use of grappling a wrong
If you never intend to right It?
What Is the use of removing your bat
If you do not intend to tarry
What Is the use or wooing a maid
If you never intend to marry?
What Is the use of buying a coat
Ityou fever intotid to 'roar It!
What to 010 11, of house for two
If YOU 11,, to Let/ to Itharo It!
What Is the oge or ;:nthering gold
It' you hover ',ltem] to keep it?
IVhat to the use of planting a field
If you do not intend to reap It
What is the use in buying a honk
If you never intend to read it?
What is the 11,0 of a cradle to rock
If you never lotond to need it
THE SOLDIER'S_ MOTHER
In one of the fern gh ns of the upper
Alleghenies stands a small log house,
which once held a large family—John
Riley, the father ; ;.-;usan Riley, the moth
er ; and children John, Susan, James,
Patrick, Sedgwick and little Bess. Bred
to :hard living, there was not one who
shrank to face a catamount, or a hear, or.
an Indian, or find fault with hard bread
and cold quarters.
At the breaking out of the war, the
father, John, James and Patrick enlisted
—the last as a drummer boy. Sedgwick
cried to go, but was told, to his great
grief and indignation, that he would have
to wait and grow, as he was only twelve
years old, Lne about three feet two. The
wife and mother had as big a heart as
anybody, and there can be no question
but that her heart gave a sharp twang
when " old John" and the boys left her ;
but she, nevertheless, declared that idle,
"Vrolild have gone herself' if they hadn't.
They might go, and God speed to them,
there was nu help for't ; and as for her,
she had not a doubt whatever that it was
decreed from the foundation of the world
that she should be left to carry on their
business, which was farming and shoe
making, according to the season, all alone,
just as she was. And she could do it, if
worst came to worst—she was sure of
So half the Riley family went from the
log house to the war, and half stayed at
home. Susan took care of what little
there was in-doors, and the mother, ac•
cording to her statement, " took care of
all' out-doors," with Susan's help, when
ever she was off duty, and with Sedg
wick's always. Little Bess was unani
mously voted good for nothing yet, but
to keep bread and cheese from moulding.
Mrs. Miler plowed the glebe with the old
one-horse plow, with Scdgwiek to ride.—
Mrs. Riley planted it with corn and pota
toes, with Sedovick to drop them for her;
and, when hoeing time came, sho and
Susan hoed it, while Sed4wick did the
best he could at pulling weeds, and Bess
ran actively and noiselessly about, picking
up angle worms and treading on the corn
The season wore round thus, and still
the indefatigable industry of Mrs. Riley
kept appearances very much as they were.
The cowshed had several windows, per
haps, net left by the carpenter, and the
cow herself showed a hide of hair that
pointed several ways; but appearances
were, if the truth was known, not s 3 much
against Mrs. Riley's management after
all. Said cow nod cowshed had never
been kept in a state of perfect repair.—
The hens and turkeys always took care of
themselves, and of course they l o oked as
well as ever. The old horse, habitually
light in flesh, may have betrayed his ribs
a trifle plainer, and. possibly the pig was
a shaving less tat; but let nothing be
said about trifles, where the only wonder
is that the woman, lett by her husband
and three sons, should keep her family
together at all, and touch more, cultivate
her firm. When conscription goes thro'
our towns and cities, sweeping every able
bodied man away, we shall then see how
many women there are like her.
With all this out door labor, Susan Hi
ley did not so far forget "the shop" as to
justify the taking down of the old shingle :
"Boors & Snus MED & MINDED II EIER."
• Wbcp_pustomers cense and left. work
before they knew that John was gone,
she continued to do it, and did it so well
that they kept on bringing, and the good
woman had all she could do with her cob
bling and farming together, you may he
Meantime she was kept inforin - edtob,„
erably well of the movements of her huti,
bend and boys, for though all of them
Were but indifferent writers, she depended
on 'Susan to decipher the letters when
they,.canie, for not a word could she read
or Road or bad writing—yet they made
up in frequency and pith what they laok
itd in penmanship and rhetoric. Their
A. K. RHEEM, Editor & Proprietor.
regiments did' duty most of the year in
Western Virginia. The Riley's had en
listed in' two regiments—the father and
youngest son in one. and John and James
in tl-.e other, and it fared with them about
In October a letter came from John,
bearing, in rustic but touching phrase,
bad news mingled with good;
CAMP GREEN RID° Sep Twenty
DEER MOTHER a Grate battles bell fit &
wev bet but !nigher that aint all the 49th
got cut up wusent'we did and fathers ded I
doono mother whall become o vor little pat
for ;hay say hes WU Ildid to but i cant git love
to go seem & weor ordird to march to mor
rer at 4 oclock with 3 days rashuns & God
h .1p us cooddnt ye cum mother wars a ter
ritml thing annihow but father dyed in the
thick o the fite fist as i May be GA bles ye
;nether cum if ye can jim wel and setts buy
yure sun JOHN
. There was enough of natural affection
in that rough Riley family—deep, genu
hie, downright love. If one member
possessed it more than any of the rest, it,
*as the mother. Bluntly and coarsely
as she always talked, and hard featured
as she was to look upon, no poetess ever
had a richer vein of human sentiment
than Mrs. Riley, and Florence Nightin
gale herself could not handle a case of
aggravated distress more tenderly than
she. The news of her husband's death
came with a sudden stroke that almost
felled her to the floor. But she bore it
bravely, till her work was ddric for that
day, and let the yo'unger eyes shed the
" Why don't you cry, mother ?" said
little; Bess, who was sobbing bitterly with
Susan and Sedgwiek, over a grief she
could not understand ; but the pale, thin
lips of the mother did not move.
In the middle of the night, long after
sleep had stosen over the children's sor
row, Susan was awakened bya
She starters up, and found her mother
sitting in the bed, in the harvest moon
that shone' throuuh the une window,
white as a shrouded corpse.
" Light the candle, S.-:usan," she heard
her whisper, and then the terrified girl
obeyed, arid inquired,.hurriedly, if she
should•bring the camphor or heat some
water. Mrs, Riley shook her head, and
Get the Testauient and read."
Susan got the;book, and asked where
"No matter, much. Open somewhere
in the middle."
And kneeling by the bed, w4h the
candle in her hand, the young daughter
read, with trembling voice, and simple,
unlearned emphasis: " Let not your heart
be troubled; yo believe in God ; believe
also in me. In my fiither's house there
arc many mansions : if it were not so I
would have . told • ,ynu _ ; . I.4;o_to_prepare,
place for you
A low, faint cry from the bosom of the
suffering woman, and the girl's voice was
drowned in the stormy, convulsive sobs
that shook the next instant through the
strong frame of Mrs. Riley, as if they
would rend it asunder.
The deep waters were loosed, and the
hoarded tears of half a lifetime now seem
ed to flow forth in one gush of irresistible
sorrow. By and by, the paroxysm pass
ed, and she rose from her bed, breathing
long, deep breaths, as if a sweet sense of
relief had come over her, and, lying down
on her pillow,, said softly :
" Good Lord, Thy will be done. Put
the book by, Susan, and go to bed."
And the still hours of that moonlight
night rolled on to the day, and the un
conscious children, unawakened, dreamed
their happy dreams, and the oldest daugh
ter—sad, astonished, but weary—went to
sleep before the cock crow ; but of all
within that poor log hut, after midnight
passed, the mother's sleep was the sweet
Hardly had the toiling woman gather
ed her fall crops. Few hands made heavy
work, and it was slow and weary business
indeed to gc over the two acres, hill by
hill, till all was done. The bulk of the
harvest, however, was gathered in (as
good a yield as could be expected) when
,John's letter came; and the very next
day, leaving as good directions as she
could to Susan, and charging the you - nger
children to mind her, with a promise not
to"be gone very Jong, Mrs. Riley was on
her way to "Green Ridge" to find her
wounded drummer boy.
The feelings of the wife that had so
fiercely struggled, well nigh to breaking
her heart fir her recent loss, were now
subdued and tranquil, as conscious that
the old relationship had passed away with
the husband's ebbing blood—linger only
in the silence of the grave ; and all the
mother awoke within her as sho turned
Irony the dead to the living.
She was somewhat nearer to her desti
nation when the cars left her at Shannon
Dale terminus—a village with seven
houses. How to get conveyance for the
rest of the way was the next question.—
Not even a cart or oxen could she find.
At length an ill-looking negro came along.
to whom she at once applied for informa
." Can you tell me where I'll find a
" Y.es'm "
" Where, then ?"
"Pse got one"
" Well, what is it ?—a horse, a don
key, or a pair of steers ? And what's the
wagon ? Tell me about it!' •
" Mule and cart, missile."
"What'll you ask to Green Ridge ?"
" Fifty dollars." •
" :hay at home with your old - mule, ye
wicked, swindlin' nigger—to take advam
tage of a poor lone woman I Ask ten
hundred, why didn't ye, when ye ask
about it? But ye may mace your money
out o' somebody else. Pll go afoot."
And off she started, leaving the , exor-
bitant African materially sobered of his
grin, and starting after her with an ex
pression of semi-fierceness, as if be half
meditated doing something wickeder still
Mrs. Riley saw no cause to repent of
her resolution. he had but gone over
eight or ten of the weary stretch of miles
when an army teamster overtook her and
gave her a seat arming his powder kegs.
The ride, however, Was rather a change
of . xercise than a rest to her, for the road
was frightfully bad. From the teamster
she learned that the Forty-NintlF Penn
sylvania was not within twenty or thirty
miles of the spot it was when her son
dated his letter, but bad moved to or near
a place called Sullivan's Pass, taking their
wounded with them. The communica
tive driver furthermore informed her that
he was to stop eight miles short. of this
latter place lie declared, after he had
heard Mrs. Riley's story, that if he were
not in the employ of the government, he
would see her clear to the Puss himself,
free of charge.
The next foot journey of the resolute
widow was exhausting in . the extreme—
rock's, gullies, marshes, and, above all,
the inevitable and omnipresent tangle of
laurel brushwood leg—across her path, and
obstructed her feet at every step. Sup
portint, herself with the thought that her
boy ha d r passe d over that way, she perse
vered and struggled through—to find,
alas ! on arriving, worn out with fatigue,
at, the place she sought., only ashes and
the scattered debris of a departed army !
The regiment had been gone two days.
But the persistent woman was not to
he discouraged. Restinv herself awhile,
she set about looking for a team, and after
sonic trouble, she procured a man. at a
large price, to take her in his cart to the
regiment where her boy belonged. As
they came within the lines they were
hailed and fired upon by a picket,but es-
Card barn>, and in due time the flags
and tents of the 49th appeared around
the spur of the Mountain.
S upped by a sentinel at the camp line,
she inquired for Patrick Riley, the drum
mer boy. and was told that he was not
there That was all the soldier knew
about it. WI ether he was dead or alive
he did not say. She was nut to be put
otT, and a corporal of the guard was sum
moned, who passed her within the camp,
and she hastened forthwith to make in
quiries of the colonel himself
" Which way did you come ?" asked
" By the Plummer road."
" You i psssed your boy within. a mile.
I left hirn, with all my wounded, at Ver
rico's Station, to be taken off to Harris
burg as soon as they are able. I think
you'll rind him there. He was badly
hurt in the arm."
,po,uitAl9. dispatch,the widow
drove back to, thk Plummer road to Ver
rico's Station A company of soldiers
was placed around a long, rough looking
house with a flag on it, and she knew it
was the hospital. The guard stopped the
horse lon g before they reached the build
ing, but blrs. Riley snatched the whip
from the driver ann lashed the beast up
to the very door, in spite of opposition—
when, springing from the cart, she push
ed by the sentinel as quick as thought,
and without stopping to hear the epithets
of " hag" and " she-devil," that were
shouted after her as she passed in, she
stood, in another second, in the very
midst of the wounded soldiers.
" Patrick Riley !" .he shouted out, al•
most out of breath, and looking about her
as if afraid her senses would deceive her.
There was do mistaking the quick,
downright tone of Widow Riley. if the
boy was there, he would certainly answer.
"Oh, mother," gasped a weak h u t s
voice, and a tangled heap in one corner
stirred, and rushing towards it, the faith
ful woman saw her pour little dr, miner
buy sitting up, but so changed that, none
but his mother would have known him
" Poor Pat ! you've had a burry time,
And here the wonderful energies of the
mother, which had kept up so long as her
child was to be searched for (God's angels
hear up with hands the strength of mothers
in such emergencies,) gave way now that her
child was found, and she sank down almost
htinting upon the straw pallet before her.
" Look up, miither, and don't ye feel bad.
I'm all right," said the plucky little fellow,
" my arm's hurt so I shan't drum no more;
but now you're come, I feel like I could lick
off the rebels with tine hand I"
Mrs. Riley soon recovered, and set about
nursing her boy.
She came in the nick of lime, for his arts
had ju.•t been =notated, and he was some
what fevetiah. Probably his mother's care
WIIB the only thing that saved him. In a
week he was able to go home with lie ; and,
jest as the November winds were beginning
to blow, I'at took his old place by the crack•
ling fire in the log house, among the Upper
Alleghenies, and told his story of the war,
John and James are still in the arn y—as
noble soldiers as ever carried muskets. Mrs.
Riley shows them the same free, fearless, en
calculating love that sh exhibited in the
case of the slain husband and the wounded
young drummer—a love that can sacrifice
generously, but not till it has struggled du
tifully. She has passed through at. hard ex
perience, and it has made her a better M/-
111111 , though her n•lagion is of a blunt, posi
tive kind ; and she makes Susan tell the ub
sent boys., when she writes, to trust in the
God of their mother, and never doubt but
dull see to 'em." - .
A POST OFFICE Culttostrv.—A let
ter was posted at the post office in Now
London, a while since, bearing the sub
joined minute, though som iwhat indefi
nite iiddress :;';To my sister bridget, or
elsoto Mylhineihor Tim malony or if not
to my gude Moil:tor in law who • came to
amerioa but did not stiiy long and went
buck to the ould country in care of the
Baste who live in-the parish of batoan
buoy in Cork or if not to emir Paeent
CARLISLE, PA.., FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 1861:\
NO ONE TO LOVE
No one to love in this wide world of sorrow,
No tender bosom our fortunes ;o share, •
No loving face from whose smiles we may . lobirow
Soothing In sadno:s and hope in despair.
Pity the heart that dab silentlylangulsh,
!tiding its grief 'neath a Ruinerr day mile,
Mourn for the apirit that, prone !u Its angulah,
Sings whilo tho boson. Is writhing the while
No ono to love In the wide world around no.
Why should we care If we pron6or or fall?,
None will rejoice when the lauredlieth tiiwned ;
None will lament when our glory wanes pale.
We aro but wanderers, o'er the oFtli roving,
No one will follow our footsteplfulth pray's;
No quiet home, with its truo heatts and loving
Walteth our coming to shelter .ns thdro.
Oft will a laugh that is sweetest aild lightest,
T rill with wild anguish our h i eedi to the core;
Oft will a glance that Is kindest4!st•
Miod us of those we shall neYer'Soe more:'
And when the garlands for beantya adorning
Beer i be loved blossoms of those who have fled,
Oft will affection, unmindful of scorning,
Turn Irene the living to weep for the dead.
Fran the C,hleago Pet
AMONG THE MILLINERS.
13NAIT HACICETT AS A FASHION NEPOIITICR
I was fowling in the marshes of Calu
met when I received your note. I was
preying remorselessly upon the feathered
tribe, generally, with p de-üble•barreled
shot gun. illy ammunition was about
exhausted. 1 had started with a quart
bottle lull of powder in my breast pocket,
but that all was gone except a 'snit.'—
My shot pouch was almost 4iiipty, too,
but 1 did not care for that. A man can
hunt well enou.A without shot if he only
hasrplenty of powder—the kind that flies
to the head.
Your message arrived in good time to
be heedsd. I• had just got a splendid
duck—by falling of a log into a stream
of muddy water. I felt so much elated
by my success that I was ready to quit.
Only, a few lours previous- to-4,hat----I-had
slain a dozen of th. 3 plumpest ducks I ev
er saw. Before 1 had time to collect.
them together the owner appeared upon
the field of carnage, and informed me tliat
they were his' ducks, and were not wild,
and never had been. The owner's name
was Drake You can imagine how 1 felt
when 1 learned that my ducks were all
Drake's. I gave them up, like a reason
able man, and charged him nothing for
killing them. I can be generous when
ever 1 want to.
After so many repeated successes it is
not strange that I felt ready to leave the
field. I read the cabalistic line of your
message, come up and do the openings.'
I wanted to come bad enough :`cult I had
no idea what the missive meant. There
are so many opdnings in the world, so
many things that can be opened. There
arc letters, for instance; letters that be
long to you and letters that don't ; and
there is champagne .that can be opened;
so can ink bottles, so eau a bank, so can
oysters (ran oysters) When 1 arrived
at oysters I stopped awhile, and it oc
curred to me that I had caught your idea.
ottiebody was going to open a can of
oysters (the first of the season, may be,)
and you wanted me to report the affair.
Accordingly I came to the city in great
haste, my speed being accelerated by a
knowledge of the fact that my powder
was all gone, and there is no good pow
der outside of Chicago. I was disap
pointed, not disagreeably, however, when
I was informed that the grand season of
opening millinery and straw goods had
arrived, and that 1 was wanted t•a make a
tour of Lake street, and make an article
on the hill fashions
I felt complimented when I was told
that I was the man for the position, be•
cause I bud a more intimate acquaint
ance with milliners, and could get infor
mation from the f it sex better tan any
body else lam susceptible of flattery, a
little, and I felt, complimented, hut I mis
trusted my ability. 1 have not hail much
experience in reporting I wrote local
items tor three days on a country news
paper six years ago, and some of them
are going the rounds of the press yet.—
I ought to have bad them copyrighted
for they aro never credited to we. I
will give one of them—the first I ever
wrote—arid which is re produced in the
papers every month or two. It is pretty
good, and will give you an inkling of my
ACClDENT.—Yesterday a team at
tached to a wagon rushed niciilly_ : idown
one of our principal streets a distance of
a mile or two, and were only prevented
from iuening away by a gentleman;who,
at the hazard of his life, seized them by
the reins and stopped them. We are
fearfully and wouderfully made.'
11 you bear of anybody that wants to
engage a man to write that sort of items
all the time, I wish you would let me
I commenced at the foot of Lake street
to do the fashions. I went through the
great union depot from one end to the
other, and up stairs and down, but I
could find no millinery store there. I then
struck out boldly up Lake street, come to
a large house nearly opposite a large
house on the opposite side of the street.
I. am thus precise in giving localities that
the public may know where the best mil
linery store is to be found. A reliable
gentleman, to v:thoin troth is a greater
stranger than fiction, told the that the
second story of the large houSe on the
opposite side of the street was a bonnet
and straw goods establishment. That
was the Information I was looking for,
and I bounded up stairs
if I may be allowed to institute a cord
perigee. At this time I'was absorbed in
deep meditation, thinking how - I should
begin my article, and, whether I should
puff anybody. I waabstraoted, I think,
and Lsailed up the stairway, With my
body bent forward about nineteen de
grees4from the perpendicular', a pencil
' Like a wild gazelle,'
f." 2' °l -6
TERMS :-41,50 in Advance, or $2 within the year
under. my arm and a reporter's book over
my right ear. 1 reached thelicad of the
stairs suddenly, inasmuch as I was going
very rapidly, and, as a consequenee„of my
abstractedness, or something else, I drove
my head plump into a bonnet that the
proprietress was showing to a customer.
I was terribly frightened, and tried to
stammer an apology, but it was no go.
The proprietress looked reaping rim
chines at me. I threw my pencil 'down
and begged pardon for smoking in ber
presence, thinking it was a cigar Told
her I hoped I hadn't smashed anything,
and she smiled a little and said I hadn't.
Then I felt better, and Old her I was a
reporter. Then she
_looked milder than
ever, and said, .Oh, indeed l' and imme
diately afterward she became insufferably
inquisitive, 'asked me a volley of them]]
prehensible- questions, and stared at =me
all the. time, as though she was counting
the plaits in my shirt ruffles or the links
in my watch chain or the brilliants in my
breastpin, or anything else you like.
Are you long hand or short hand ?'
Neither,' said I, 'I am a new hand,
and I rather dislike the business, as far
as I've got.'
The proprietress conducted me through
a long hall into a large room occupied by
about twenty bonnets and sixty milliners,
saleswomen, etc. I did not look at the
bonnets for the first half hour, but de
voted myself exclusively to taking an in
ventory of the young ladies.
This is a charming bonnet—golden
dun—Marie Stuart front,' said the lady
Yes, 'she is,' I replied, 'but her hair
is a little too red.'
I discovered my mistake when it was
too late to correct it. That's my luck.
As soon as the divine little milliners
learned who I was, they gathered around
me in a circle, and all were anxious tone
who could say the most and best things.
One was descanting upon the beauties of
a chip bonnet; and another handed' me a
bunch of grapes to . oxamine. 1 bit one of
the grapes, and got my mouth full of bro
ken glass. Then I thought I would rath
er report a camp meeting than a mil
linery store; then I thought I wouldn't,
and I mustered my courage and made a
nother note in my note-book, (grapes, not
sour, but sharp.) My tongUe bled fear
fully, and I spoiled my best embroidered
handkerchief wiping away the blood.
The circle diminished, and the crew (per
haps I should say bevy) came closer. I
began to want fresh air severely. -Tpo
many females in close room render the
' This is beautiful,' said a charming
creature with pearly eyes and black teeth,
'this is a dear duck 0f a bonnet.'
Is it a wild duck ?' said 1, 'l've had
enough of wild ducks, especially if' they
belong to a man by the name of Drake.'
' Price, seventy-five dollars,' she contin
ued, paying about as little attention to
me as man of my qualifications could ex
I asked her if she would sell it in small
lots, and how much one of the straws
would come to, but before I had finished
the question she was showing me some
The ladies became less timid as they
became more acquainted and approached
so near me when they wanted to give me
a boonet to look at, that my ruffles were
in danger of being crushed. They piled
bonnets upon we till I had both arms full
and the top ones began to fall off, and
every time I stooped to pick up one I
dropped two. It r‘quired some skillful
engineering to keep from being engulphed
in the ocean of crinoline that surrounded
nie ; and in making a desperate effort to
escape from one billow that came fearfully
near me, I plunged both feet into a mag
nificent French chip bonnet (that was the
name of it,)with a Marie tuart or Louisa
Jane Susan Smith front, 1 forget which
There was another crash of glass artific
ials, a bunch of wheat was crushed to
flour, and a fine blush rose blushed for
the last time.
The milliners all screamed—the circle
was broken ; some rushed one way and
sonic another, and some ruched in , an op
posite direction. I rushed to a window
and measured the distance to the ground
with my mathematical eye. I had not
inane up my mind exactly when a ten
year-old who I had nut seen before (I
think she was an apprentie) sung out in
a shrill voice, 'Ma says if you don't pay
her fur the last shirt she made for you
she'll prosecute you in the court-house.'
I should have been proud to know that
I had an acquaintance there if I had not
been in' a hurry. I threw myself out up
on the sidewalk without breaking a bone,
and—l still live. When next Igo to re
port a millinery affair I shall go in a. full
suit of armor.
I am, feelingly, BEAU HACKETT
An apothecary's boy was lately sent to
leave at one house a box. of pills, at anoth•
er six live fowls. Confused on the way,
he Jett the pills where the fowls should
have goo°, and the fowls at the pill place.
The folks Who received the fowls were
astonished at. reading the accompanying
directions! "Sallow one every two hours."
A NEWSPAPER, in noticing the pres
entation of a silver cup to a contempora
ry says; "He needs no cup ;-he.can drink
from any,vesoel that contains liquor—
whether the iieck of a bottle, the mouth
of a deinijohn, the spilt) of a keg, or the
bunghole of a barrel.' ,
An English writer says of the militia
of London, that the'captain of one of the
corps averred it was dangerous to wake
the rear take close order, for fear it would
pick the pockets of the front rank.
• Tin§ beautiful tresses of rung Indies
Ivo beau•strine. •
How He Lost a Customer
A few days since a well-dressed woman
entered a store on Chesnut street. She
looked like the wife of a man Who had
suddenly made money by army contracts
Her " harness" was good, but the wearer
evidently was but lately accustomed to
indulge in finery. She entered the
" principal depot" of a citizen, who,
among other proprietary articles, is the
inventor of a celebrated hair tonic.
As she altered, the proprietor was be
hind tie counter, a matter rather rare for
him, and with his hat on hi 4 head.
personally waited on her, asking, with
his best smile, " What can I show you
" Why, your hair tonic"
" Here it is, ma'am"—producing a
bottle of the article.
" This is what makes hair grow, does
" Yes, ma'am ; you'll find a little
pamphlet inside the wrapper with many
certificates from people who have been
" Humph ! What's the price F"
" A dollar a bottle ma'm—six bottles
for five dollars."
" You re certain it'll bring hair on ?"
" It never fads unless the hair is de
stroyed by ,disease."
" Well, I've got a bald spot on the top
of my head. I'd give five hundred dol.
lars to have it covered again."
Proprietor said he had no doubt the
tonic would accomplish the result and the
lady ordered a half. dozen to be sent to
her house. Proprietor took the address.
As the lady turned to leaVe the store,
proprietor removed his hat, showing a
head whose crown was innocent of cover
" Well I declare 1" exclaimed the lady,
transfixed, looking at' him in blank sur
~ What is it, ma'am ?"
" Why, I swear if you ain't bald your
Proprietor was about to rejoin, but the
lady continued :
" I don't want that bait grease o'yourn
I jest believe you're a lying."
Proprietor attempted to explain, but
the lady wouldn't listen. She couldn't
be made to La lieve that a man could
make " hair grease" to restore other pet).
pie's hair, when bald himself. She left,
advising him to grow a crop of hair on
hi; own head before undertaking to fur
nish a recipe to cover the heads of other
The !Dona is, whorl bald people sell
hair tonic they should keep their hats on.
Every ono is eudowed, each fur him
self, with a special gift of salutary influ
ence, a peculiar benign power, which he
can no wore get another to employ for
him than one flower can get another to
breathe foith its fragrance, or one star de•
pate to another its shining. Your individ
ual character the special mould and temper
of your being is different from that of all
other beings, and God, in creating it,
designed it for a particular use in his
Church. Your relations to your fellow
men are peculiar to yourself, and over
some minds—some little group or circle
of moral beings—you Can wield an in
fluence which it is given to no other man
to wield. Your place and lot in life, too,
is one which has been assigned to you
alone, For no other has the same part
been cast. On your particular part no
other footsteps shall ever leave their
print. Through that one course, wind
ing or straight, rapid or slow. brief or
long protracted, in any other course shall
the stream of life flow on to the great
ocean. And so to you it is given to shed
blessings around you, to do good to oth
ers, to communicate, as you pass through
life, to those whose moral history bor
ders or crosses yours, a heavenly influ
ence, which is all your own. If this
power be not used by you, it will never
be used. There is work in Go is Church
which, if not done by you will be un
A Tough Srory
Stephenson, a •country shopkeeper, was
one day trying to sell Joe a pair of pougcd
boots. The old man gave the article of-
fered a fair examination, and decided not
" Nice boots," said Stephenson.
" Yes, very nice boots," said old Joe,
" but I can't afford 'em "
" Why, they are a 3 cheap as any they
make," said Stephenson, " only two dol
" Yes, only I don't keep any hired
man," returned. Joe.
" Hirai man I what do you want of a
hired man ?'' asked Stephenson.
" Well, 1 should want a hired man if
I bought them boots." said Joe, his eye
twisting up with even more comical leer
than usual; " the last pair of,,boots I
had, pretty near ruined me!'
. "How was that?" asked Stephenson.
" Why," said Joe, "all the time I
wore them boots, I had to take two men
along with tue with hammers, one. -on
each side, to nail on the soles every time
I lifted my feet"
The storekeeper made no more efforts
to sell boots to Joe.
A rtracKsman. having been slandered
was advised to apply to the courts fdt• re
dress. He replied with true wisdom •"I
can go in may shop and wort; out a better
character . in six months than I can get in
a court house in a whole year."
FOUND A FRI END_"Who. goes there?"
said an Irish sentry of the British Legion
at St. Sebastian. "A friend;" was the
reply. "Then stand where you are, for
by the powers pou'te the first rve found
in this murtherin' esuntry."
Mrs. 'artinkton on. Cosm9tios.
"That is a.new article for heStitifying
the complexion,' aid Mr. Bibb, liolding
up a small bottle for Mrs. Partington to
look at. • She'rcokdd up' from toeing out
a woolen seek for lke,,add took the bot
tle in her hand. "Is it; indeed ?" said
shei " well, they 'Arty get up ever so
many costroms fer beautifying the com
plexion, tut; depend upon it, the less
people have to do with bottles for it the
better. My neighbor, Mrs. Blotch, has
been using a bottle a good many
years, for her complexion, and her nose
looks like a rupture of Mount Vociferous,
with the burning lather running all over
the contagious territory." Dlr. Bibb in
formed her, with a smile, that this was
cosmetic for the outside and not to be ta
ken internally, whereupon she subsided
into the toe of Ike's stocking, but mur
mured something about the danger of its
" leaking in," nevertheless. Ike, mean
while, was rigging a martingale for Lion's
tail, securing that waggish member to his
collar and making him appear as if scud
ding before the wind.
What is a quartermaster ? The man
who gives the poor soldiers one . quarter
and keeps the rest himself.
If a pretty woman asks you what you
will bet, answer that you will lay your
head to hers.
"Beautiful weather," as the gentleman
said when he chanced to get a tender
piece of mutton on his plate one day at
Mr. Noggins, speaking of a blind wood
sawyer, says, "while none ever saw him
see, thousands have seen him saw."
A dashing and fashionable widow says
she thinks of sueing some gentleman for a
breach of promise, so that the world may
know she is in the market.
A 3IAN named Oats was hauled up re
cently fur beating his wife and children , .
On being sentenced to imprisonment, the
brute remarked that it was very hard a
man was not allowed to thrash his owla
WE were told that, the other day, a
literary gentleman being rather badly off
for pens, sat down to write with a head
ache. It is, we believe, a painful opera
tion', hut a great saving of quills.
John," said a stingy old hunk
to his hired man, as he was taking dinner,
" do you know how many pancakes you
have eaten?" "No." " Well, you have
eaten fourteen." " Well," said John,
" you count and— . l l ll eat!'
wa„A school boy, being asked by Mu
teacher how be should flog him, replied:
" If you please, sir, I should like it upon
the Italian system of penmanship—the
heavy strokes upward, and the down ones
LATounlost his leg at the battle of
Leipsic After he had suffered amputa
tion with the greatest conrage, he saw hitt
servant crying, or pretending to cry, in n
corner of the room. "None of your hyp.
ocritical tears, you idle dog," said him
master ; " you know you are glad, for now
you will have only one boot to clean in—
stead of two."
SPEAKING of muddy roads, a reoent
tourist says the roads of Normandy remind
hint of a llig,hland road in the Weat,
where a friend vowed he once met a man
sounding a hole with the butt-end of a
driving.whip. He asked him what he
was doing, and he replied : " Sir, I have
found my hat, but I hm e lost a horse and
gig some place hereabouts."
JONES, since his marriage, has taken
to talk slightingly of the holy estate.—
Brown was telling him of the death of a
mutual friend's wife, whom the " discon
solate" had courted for twenty-eight years
and then married. She turned out to be
a perfect virago, but died two years after
the wedding. " There," said Mr. Jones,
" there's luck ! See what a fellow es
caped by a long courtship !"
Thel..A corporal in a West Vilginia re
giment went home on furlough, and at its
expiration, applied for an extension in
the following style : " My dear Comman
der, it is with pleasure I Takes my pen
in hand to inform you I am taken off the
Mumps, and hope these few lines will find
you enjoying the same blessing But if
there are danger, or if you think there
are, Report to me immediately at Buck
hanon and I am at your command my
dear Commander, Mumps or no Mumps."
I:ex.& writer beautifully remarks that a
man's mother is the represensative of his
Maker. Misfortune and mere crime set
no barriers between her and her son.—
While his mother lives, a man has one
friend on earth who will not desert him
when he is needy. Her affections flow
from a pure fountain, and cease only at
the ocean of eternity,
A lady at sea, full of apprehension in
a gale of wind, cried out among other ex
clamations, "we shall gu to the bottom.
Mercy on us, how my head swims I"
" Madam, never fear," said one of the
sailors, " you can never go to the bottom
while your head swims."
Mrs, Partington has a friend in the
army. Being asked one day what his
station was, she replied : " For two years
be was lieutenant of horse marines, nod
after that he was promoted to be captain
of a squad of sapheads and minors."
A western editor strikes the names of
two subscribers from his list because they
were hung. He says he was compelled
to be severe, because he did not know
their present addresses.
The false gentleman almost bows the.
true out of the world. He contrives so
to address his companions "as civilly to
exclude all others from his discourse and
make them feel excluded.
Most of the reoels are pledged to pay
ten-fold what they are worth,, and when
they die, says Prentice, there'll be 'the
devil to pay.
A soldier being asked if, he ;net with'
much hospitality while in Ireland, replied
that be:was in the hospital nearly all the
time he was there. .
• A MAN was recently arrested in Detroit,
he having desertedlour., wives and dye
BY THE WAY.